


The Madness of Angels

by Amarissia



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-10 21:03:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 45
Words: 207,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1164490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amarissia/pseuds/Amarissia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SOLDIER cadet Zack Fair's apprenticeship to Angeal Hewley draws him into the secrets of ShinRa, a series of bizarre murders, and new feelings of his own that will have to be confronted. Crisis Core and before, the angsty, yaoi way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Safe From Pain

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Part One - A Perfect Circle**

**Chapter 1 - Safe From Pain**

 

"I shall be telling this with a sigh." I read that once, in a poem I've forgotten the rest of, but that line has always stuck with me. By the time anyone finds and reads this notebook I'll be dead and silent - I know this somehow - but maybe with my last breath I'll expel a sigh and it will remain to haunt these pages.

I left my home in Gongaga and my parents at age 15, and I joined SOLDIER because I wanted to be a hero. I don't know what I am now. A girl I knew in my village claimed she could read palms, and she told me she saw both glory and tragedy in mine. I hope the tragedy is all behind us now, that I can keep any more from touching the boy I have with me. He's in the bed beside this desk, in this abandoned house in the middle of nowhere, and I'm writing this now to force my mind and my hands away from him.

Cloud. I guess it's okay to write his name. I nicknamed him "Spiky" when we first met, and during the years we spent in Hojo's lab I called him "Baby" and held him whenever that fucking mad scientist would let me. It was innocent at first (on his own Cloud could be nothing else) but the way Hojo watched him began to change, the way he would watch us together. I protested the first time he put my hand between Cloud's legs, but Hojo said, "Your hands or mine", and there was no choice.

There's choice now. I can't pretend there isn't. I try to handle him as though he were the child he is in all but age, try to look at that sweet face and see something only to protect. I try to hate Angeal for what he made of me and for telling me this would someday happen. The story I'm about to tell will feature a lot of Angeal, the fractured angel who started falling, I think, long before I ever knew him.

My name is Zack Fair, and it indicates nothing about me. I only ever had one nickname.

__

zfzfz

Training to enter SOLDIER as a full member lasts two years. My first year as a cadet, nothing of importance happened. I got along well enough with my classmates but made no close friends, and there was little variety in the endless circle of sleep, train, classes, train, sleep. I did well, so well in fact that no one wanted to run against me over the obstacle courses or be my sparring partner. I could feel myself moving further and further away from the other first-years, but I told myself it didn't matter. Heroes are supposed to be alone.

My instructors said I was ideal for the second-year mentorship program, that the only uncertainty was who the mentor would be. It was a rare honor to be separated from the cadet corps. and apprenticed to a 1st Class, and years might pass with no one being chosen. I had assumed it would be one of the friendly SOLDIERs who observed our training now and then and teased us like I suppose older brothers might. There was one among them who came often and never said anything, and I couldn't shake the feeling that he was staring only at me. I must not have been the only one to find him creepy; the other 1st Classes kept their distance from him and pretended he wasn't there.

No, this was not Angeal, as you might be thinking, but he came to play a part in my story as well.

Instructor Finn pulled me out of sword drills one early afternoon to tell me the identity of my mentor had been confirmed. He was wide-eyed and appeared agitated, and I felt terrified all of a sudden. Whoever this mysterious SOLDIER was, I would live with him and spend nearly every moment by his side for at least a year. Was I about to be delivered into the hands of some sort of sadist?

Finn must have picked up on my fear, because he laughed and clapped his hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry, Fair, Commander Hewley is a good man and very patient. I'm just a bit shocked. It's rare for such a highly ranked officer to give his time for mentorship, and I've never known Angeal to show interest in doing so before."

I knew the name, the cadets and lower-class SOLDIERs whispered it with nearly as much awe and reverence as they gave to Sephiroth. Angeal Hewley had been one of the first 1st Classes; he wielded a sword that weighed more than the average cadet; he never smiled or cried or showed any emotion, even in battle; he participated in the experiments of ShinRa's Dr. Hollander that gave him inhuman strength; he had been raised by ShinRa as Sephiroth had been, bred into a killing machine. Rumor is always a mix of facts and fiction - I wondered how much of each made up Angeal's legend.

There was hardly time to lie and say I wasn't afraid. The door to Finn's office opened behind me, and I turned to see a tall, broad man enter more quietly than you'd expect from one of his build. He had dark hair, longer in the back than in the front, a plain but well-sculpted face, and serious, thoughtful eyes. He wore no sign of rank, the 1st Classes never did. Not sparing Finn a glance, he quickly looked me up and down.

"Sir, Cadet Zack Fair. Fair, Commander Angeal Hewley."

I saluted in the SOLDIER way, standing rigidly straight with my arms tightly at my sides, and looked straight ahead. I came up to about Angeal's shoulders. Unable to resist, I snuck a glance back up to his face. To my astonishment, he was smiling.

"At ease, Cadet." His voice was very deep, and strangely gentle.

"I think you'll be very pleased with Fair, Commander," Finn was saying, sounding amused. "He's one of the best I've ever trained. I feel I should warn you, though, he's a bit boisterous."

I couldn't keep from wincing. Yeah, I was always the bouncy, optimistic type, laughing at everything. That part of my personality was good for charming people and making friends, but I didn't think Angeal would consider it a plus. And yet, he continued to smile. One rumor down, I thought.

"Perhaps you will balance me," he said kindly. "Many complain that I am too serious. Instructor, would you mind excusing Fair from class now?"

"Not at all, sir. Good luck, Zack," Finn whispered, using my given name as he occasionally did.

"Follow me, Cadet."

I did, feeling nervous and ridiculously small as I walked behind him. Everyone we passed in the corridors respectfully stepped aside as Angeal went by, and I traveled in his wake like a rowboat after a barge. I had never been inside what everyone called the White Building (though it was more of a gray) where the 1st Class quarters and offices were. It was beautiful inside, like the lobby of a fancy hotel, but Angeal didn't seem to notice. I supposed he must be used to it.

I must have looked nervous as we rode the elevator; it took me a long time to feel at ease in tall buildings. Angeal patted my arm, and I just barely kept from jumping.

"This is new for both of us, Cadet," he said, and I wondered if that meant he was nervous too. "But try to relax. I don't bite."

"Yes, sir. I just, um..."

"Don't like heights?" Angeal nodded. "You're from Gongaga, right?"

I was about to ask how he knew, but it occurred to me that he must have read my file. "Yes, sir."

"Midgar must seem very strange to you. I grew up in a small village myself, and city life was quite jarring for me at first."

So he wasn't raised by ShinRa - another rumor disproved already. I swayed a little on my feet as the elevator came to an abrupt halt, and he grabbed my arm and steadied me. Any of my instructors would have made me ride the elevator again and again until it no longer had any effect, and Angeal would do this later, but for now he only looked at me with concern.

"You'll get used to it. People can get used to almost anything."

He gestured for me to follow again, and we stopped at a door marked with a brass '3'. Angeal took a keycard out of his pocket and handed me an identical one.

"This accesses this building, this floor and this apartment. As time goes on, if you prove yourself worthy, I will program it to open other places as well."

The apartment was what I had expected - comfortable but plain and soberly decorated. He indicated the couch and I sat down (it was very cushy, that surprised me) and Angeal disappeared for a moment into the kitchen. He returned with a good-sized bottle of cold water and tossed it to me.

"Before we begin, drink this down."

I looked at him, wondering if it was a joke I didn't get. He seemed to realize I was hesitating, not refusing.

"The mentor-student relationship only works if there is trust. In most situations, for civilians at least, trust must be earned before it can be given. In a military setting, we do not have that luxury. We must put our lives in the hands of our superiors in order to be properly taught. There will be times when I ask you to do something and give no reason for the order. There will be times when I do something and tell you not to question it, or even to speak at all. Can you trust that I know what is best for you, better than you do? Can you follow my orders without regard to your own feelings?"

His voice was so pleasant and reasonable, I wondered for a second how I could ever have been frightened of him. I uncapped the bottle and emptied it in a few large gulps.

"Very good."

For the next thirty minutes or so, he paced slowly back and forth in front of the couch and coffee table, laying out the details of how our new relationship was going to work. Angeal would now be my primary teacher, though he said I would still be attending some of my classes because some subjects are better absorbed in a classroom setting. He would bring me on as many missions as possible, though now and then there may be one that would be too dangerous for me; should that be the case, he would leave instructions as to how I should spend my time which I was not to deviate from. I was not to discuss our training in any detail with the other cadets, because we would be doing advanced work on a 3rd Class level and it would be inconsiderate to make my peers jealous. I was encouraged to ask questions (except when specifically forbidden), to request more information if I didn't understand something, and to be honest about my own limits. And so on and so on.

"Essentially," Angeal said with a wry smile, "I will be patient with you if you are patient with me."

Some of the rules struck me as very odd. I was not to go near the science labs unless Angeal was with me. I was not to visit the eighteenth floor of this building for any reason. I was not to wander alone even within the grounds of the ShinRa Compound. I was not to be outside the apartment after 8 p.m. unless accompanied by Angeal, and if anyone sent for me after that hour I was to explain that Commander Hewley's order forbid it. I found this especially strange, since the cadet curfew is 9 p.m., but I supposed Angeal was just strict, or maybe trying to make me seem less lucky to the other cadets. I wondered if he knew that most of them didn't like me anyway.

I listened carefully and tried to remember everything, but the need to pee crept up after awhile - big surprise, after all that water - and it became hard to sit still. The obvious thing to do was to ask to be excused for a minute, but I worried that Angeal would think me undisciplined, or be annoyed at having to stop his lecture.

"One of the downsides to the mentor program is that it tends to set a student apart from his classmates," Angeal was saying. "I will try to minimize the separation as much as possible, but - Cadet, you're squirming. Is this the hyper energy Instructor Finn warned me about?"

"No, sir. May I be excused for a moment?"

"Bathroom, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"Come with me."

Weirdly, he brought me into the kitchen. At first I thought he was going to make me drink more and tell me not to be distracted by biological necessities - that seemed like the sort of semi-cruel thing SOLDIERs were known for - but he smiled at me as I shifted urgently, putting my weight on one foot and then the other.

"Always in motion, just like a puppy. It's a miracle that you can concentrate on anything," he laughed.

I pouted, and he laughed again. "Time for our first lesson."

"Um, sir, shouldn't I...first..."

"No questions right now. No objections. Understood?" He waited until I nodded. "Very good."

Angeal stepped behind me and gently nudged me across the tile, stopping when I heard the crinkle of something beneath my boots. I looked down. A few large pages of the Midgar Herald had been placed in layers on the floor. I stared, puzzled - I remember the headline "Mayor to Join President Shinra For Slum Fundraiser" - and stiffened when I felt Angeal's enormous hands on my waist.

"It's all right. Trust, remember? Kneel down."

I did, my knees coming to rest on the edge of the paper, and Angeal sank down behind me. He took hold of my wrists and pulled me forward, placing my hands palm-down against the newspaper so I was on all fours. I darted forward instinctively when his fingers went to my zipper, but his hands held me back, moving over my sides like the way you pet a cat or dog. When I became still he tried it again, and I froze as he took my dick out and pointed it at the paper.

"I want you to go now," he said calmly, like this was an everyday thing.

"S-sir?"

"If you can't, I will only make you drink until you can. Try."

I closed my eyes. Was this some sort of haze or initiation? Was it like so many other aspects of SOLDIER, designed to break a man down and build him up without hesitation, without questioning? I was sixteen, not really a man yet, and being a gay sixteen-year-old, especially, I knew I was going to have a whole new set of problems if I spent much more time on my knees with a guy's hand on my dick. I tried to pretend I was back home in Gongaga, exploring the woods and pausing to relieve myself into the leaf-covered grass. I heard the muted sound of urine hitting paper before I even realized it was coming out.

"Very good." He shook me off gently, stood up and headed out of sight, calling back, "You can get up now."

Easier said than done. He was gone for a full minute, and it took me nearly that long to stand up and refasten my pants. What just happened? I kept asking myself, because I knew I couldn't ask him. I hoped Angeal might explain when he came back, but he acted like nothing strange had happened. He showed me my room - simple but comfortable like everywhere else, and with my own bathroom attached, a luxury I had not expected. My belongings had already been brought up, and he suggested I unpack and get settled.

I began to obey as soon as he left, moving as though underwater. I didn't know how to feel, not even in such basic terms as good or bad. You learn not to question superior officers in SOLDIER, that's how you survive. It didn't really bother me that I had let Angeal do that confusing, embarassing thing to me. What bothered me was how still and quiet I felt inside. Like I couldn't even question myself.

**To be continued...**

**The poem Zack quotes is "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.**


	2. And Truth

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 2 - And Truth**

 

The next step, according to Angeal, was to ensure that I was perfectly healthy before putting me through my paces. That first afternoon, he summoned a man to the apartment and introduced him as Dr. Hollander from the ShinRa Medical and Scientific Department. I got the impression that it wasn't usual for such an important man to do routine check-ups or make house calls, but I sensed that they knew each other pretty well, if they weren't exactly friends.

I sat on the couch quietly while Dr. Hollander checked my temperature, pulse, blood pressure, heart, throat, ears, eyes and took a blood sample. 

"You know, Angeal, I could do this more thoroughly in the lab."

"No," Angeal said bluntly.

Dr. Hollander shrugged. "You know best. I'll analyze the blood sample, but I don't expect to find anything. He seems to be in excellent shape."

Angeal seemed in a hurry to get the doctor out. He thanked him gruffly and walked him to the door, and I could see he looked relieved when we were alone.

"Now what, sir?" I asked, standing up.

"Now I determine whether you have any weak spots we need to target in strength training."

I had been through this once before, when I first enlisted, but then it had happened in a bright room with fifty other SOLDIER candidates standing in line. It felt different by myself, or maybe it only seemed that way because of Angeal's earlier strange behavior. He was thorough but business-like as his hands moved along my arms and legs, gently squeezing. Occasionally he'd ask me to tense and relax a muscle as he examined it. His hands stayed outside of my shirt as he traced the bit of hardness beginning to form in my chest and stomach, and I felt guiltily relieved. 

"Standard cadet strength training has worked well for you so far," he determined. "I'll keep you on the same regimen for now. You can keep attending weight room sessions with your group and we'll see how you do."

"Yes, sir."

"Of course I'll be expecting you to pull ahead of them in every respect, not just the ones you're already advanced in. Finn tells me you favor the sword, and that you've shown great promise with it."

I smiled, I couldn't help it. I loved swordwork, there was nothing nearly so exhilarating, and I was quite good at it.

"Since I pulled you out of sword drills earlier, now is a good time to show me if Finn spoke the truth. Do you agree?"

"Yes, sir!" I couldn't help bouncing a little on the balls of my feet. That was just my nature then. Now...I don't know. "I'd love that, sir."

"Get your weapon."

I heard Angeal chuckling softly as I dashed to my room, and tried to go more calmly and slowly on the way back. He couldn't have remained still for all those few seconds, though, because when I returned he was armed too, with what had to be the thickest sword I've ever seen. It loomed large in his legend, this Buster Sword, which everyone said was sacred to Angeal and no one else was permitted to touch it.

With the strange day I was having, I thought nothing else could possibly surprise me. I was wrong. Angeal saw me gaping at the famous blade and said, "Would you like to try holding it?"

My eyes must have been bugging out of my head. "But...I thought no one - "

"This sword has never liked anyone but me," he said with a soft laugh. "But I think it may like you. Give me your hand."

I saw what he meant to do and was relieved; holding that heavy a sword unaided would have dragged me down to the floor. Angeal held the upper half of the blade with one hand, and with the other placed my fingers around the hilt. Even with him taking most of the weight, it felt so heavy! I thought, I'll never be that strong. Now - once I recover my strength, at least - I can spin it with one hand.

"As I thought, it likes you." Angeal observed my excited expression and continued bouncing, and he smiled and ruffled my hair. "Such a puppy."

At that, my grip suddenly went loose and slipped. If he noticed this he gave no sign of it, merely sheathed the Buster Sword and motioned for me to follow, picking up a small black bag on our way out. I wondered which training facility we were going to, the cadets' or the 1st Classes', but to my surprise (again) he led me outside, down a path that led away from the buildings. The fields that lay at the south of the ShinRa Compound were mostly empty at that time of day. We passed only security guards on patrol and joggers, most of the latter probably running laps as punishment.

At the southern end of the grounds, there was a wood divided into two by the Compound gate, huge by city standards but much smaller than the forests I knew as a child. The gravel path led right into the eastern portion and meandered off somewhere, but Angeal motioned me off of it almost immediately. The way we went followed no visible trail, but it had obviously been cleared enough to travel for those who knew where it was. I didn't ask where we were going, figuring I'd know soon enough. After a few minutes I saw him about to speak and wondered if he was going to explain, but he said something else.

"I suppose I need not tell you you're not to come back here unless you're with me."

"No, sir. I doubt I could find my way anyway. Does anyone else know this path?"

"Yes," he said simply. "It's not difficult to learn. You'll remember the way after a few times, unfortunately."

"Don't worry, sir, navigation isn't my strong suit." He laughed softly. "Besides, I'm not supposed to wander the grounds alone, right?"

"Correct."

"May I ask why, sir?"

Angeal stopped, turned slowly around and looked at me, though his expression betrayed nothing he might have been feeling. "Part of my job as your mentor is to keep you safe."

"Even here?" I teased. "What are you worried about, the demon?"

His face went slack for a moment, then his eyes narrowed, and I mentally kicked myself. My first thought was that he was upset with me for joking, but that wasn't it. Whatever had jarred him, it wasn't anger, and it didn't seem to be directed at me.

"What do you know about that?" he asked quietly.

"Only what the other cadets say, sir. They say the Compound is haunted by a demon that comes out at night and attacks people. And that the deaths of those guards a few months ago weren't really accidents like the official statements said."

"And do you believe that, Cadet?"

"I...I don't know, sir. It's not true, is it?"

Angeal shook his head, muttered "Cadets are still children", and started walking again. I felt a little annoyed by that, because I definitely didn't consider myself a child. Many SOLDIER candidates start out in the regular ShinRa army, the Guard, as young as fourteen, and those are children! Fifteen and sixteen are sort of in-between ages, I thought, a stepping-stone between childhood and adulthood but not belonging to either. Maybe that's why those years are so confusing. You don't know what you are.

The trail came to a very abrupt end. Angeal pushed aside the leaves of an enormous fern and there, right in front of us, was a great oval-shaped clearing, so precise it had to be man-made. Trees and high plants enclosed it all the way around, standing like guardians charged with keeping out anything but sunlight and breeze. The ground was rich, packed dirt dotted with slashes of green; obviously, use as a sparring site had torn up most of the grass, though it valiantly tried to keep its place and thrive. The bare brown patches made me sad. I always liked fighting, I never liked killing things.

In spite of that, I decided immediately that I loved this place. It was a lot like home, though even more beautiful when compared to the surrounding city of Midgar with its crowds and noise. No noise here, only wind and faint bird songs. Completing the idyllic scene set around me were the flowering bushes here and there along the perimeter, vivid and intense in whites, reds and pale yellows. I couldn't recall seeing a single flower since I left Gongaga, and I missed my parents, suddenly and terribly. 

Angeal touched my shoulder gently, he seemed to understand my awe. "A friend and I made this clearing many years ago. I used to come here whenever I got homesick. Now I come to breathe the free air and enjoy the scenery. Do you like it?"

I could only nod dumbly. I remembered why we had come here, and it occurred to me that the grass and plants nearest the flowers were the least disturbed of the area. Clearly Angeal (and whoever else fought here) took care to avoid harming the blossoms. If I hadn't already liked and respected him, I would have for that.

Angeal unsheathed his weapon, and I did the same. "I'm going to be moving at about half-speed. In time, I will spar with you as I do the other 1st Classes, but for now, I don't want you to be distracted by fear or worry. If you take any injury today, it will not be from this sword. Understand?"

I nodded, pouting a little to tell him he didn't need to be so careful, but secretly, I was kind of relieved.

"You hold back a little when you spar with the other cadets, don't you?"

I think my mouth fell open. I had never told anyone about that, partly because it sounded so egotistical and partly because they disliked me enough already. So how...

He saw the question and answered it. "Requesting that you be assigned to me was not a whim or gamble, Cadet. Not every observer of the cadet corps. is known or noticed by the observer. I've had my eye on you for some time."

I didn't know whether to feel flattered or unnerved. As is my way, I tried to focus on the better emotion.

"Why do you hold back?"

"Um, I guess...instinct, sir."

"Instinct?" Angeal looked interested. "Explain."

"I often feel that if I put all the force I have into a practice fight, it will be too much. I could hurt someone. I'm sorry, sir, I know that must sound arrogant."

"It doesn't. Your skill surpasses that of your peers considerably, and your potential even more so." He gazed at me with the gentlest smile I'd yet seen from him; it was so odd and disarming to look at. "You don't like to kill or to hurt."

"I can do it, sir."

"You can, but you will always hate it."

"Will that keep me from becoming a SOLDIER, sir?"

"No, no. There are ways of dealing with this trait. But those of us who possess it have a more difficult time in this life than the ones who force themselves to enjoy killing. Those who enjoy it naturally...I admit I find that difficult to understand."

He paused, as if to check my level of interest. Finding me listening raptly, he continued.

"My closest friend is a useful example, a 1st Class like myself. He is perhaps the most skilled fighter and most efficient killer I have ever known, but that is only one side of his nature. The other half of him is a fiercer friend than a warrior, capable of a warmth few people would suspect. He has learned to switch back and forth between these two halves, to turn off emotion when faced with battle and let it return when the conflict is over. It is a good way. But there are others."

It hit me only then, who he must have been talking about. My eyes went wide, and Angeal laughed.

"Perhaps I should have kept silent. He hates me speaking of him with praise, thinks the cadets whisper about him entirely too much as it is."

I smiled, trying to picture Sephiroth doing something not intimidating or dangerous. I couldn't do it.

"Enough talk. I don't want you to hold back with me, not ever. Do you believe you could harm me?"

"No way, sir."

"You'd be wrong," he said with a soft, sad chuckle, "but even so. Ready?"

Angeal let me make the advance. I went in close, trying a move that usually sent my partner back onto his ass, but he countered me with the slightest movement. His block shoved me back, but not hard, and he was watching me intently, calmly. For a completely insane second, he reminded me of one of those blow-up clowns that keep standing up and grinning at you no matter how many times you punch them. Lack of reaction always drove me crazy; I was determined to get one.

I tried circling Angeal to taunt him out of his spot, but he parried every thrust almost idly, even when I was right behind him. I think he only turned to face me at last to make me try something else. His smile seemed to be taunting me, telling me there was nothing I could do that would surprise him. Anticipate this, I thought.

Knowing he would follow my sword with his own, I swung near the top of his head, forcing the Buster Sword out of my way. At just the right moment, I aimed a kick at his right knee. Looking back, I thank Gaia that my boots were so hard and thick - kicking Angeal was like kicking a brick wall. I didn't get a chance to think this at the time because, faster than I could see, he knocked my sword out of my hand, grabbed my ankle and hoisted it into the air. 

Yes, not only was I disarmed, but I was being held by the ankle, upside-down, with my head swaying above the dirt like a pendulum. I could hear Angeal's restrained laughter and it sounded pleased, so I weakly joined in. He set me down gently and offered a hand up.

"Good. I was waiting for you to do that."

"Sir?"

"You have a strong sense of honor, Cadet, from what I've observed. You like to behave chivalrously to your opponent, make things as equal as possible between you. This noble streak does you credit, but it is dangerous if you can't control it. When you face a real enemy, you must take every advantage you can get, whether it's fair or not. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

"Fair." Angeal shook his head and laughed gruffly. "An appropriate name. Does 'Zack' have any meaning that you know of?"

"No, sir. What about yours?"

"Of my surname I know nothing. 'Angeal', I believe, is a reference to an ancient legend, older than the Cetra, perhaps, of winged messengers who brought the word of the gods to mankind." Angeal looked uncomfortable, like he'd said too much, and opened the black bag he'd brought. "You have a peculiar effect on me, Cadet. I speak more in your presence in an hour than I have done in the past for a month or more."

"I'm kind of proud of that, sir."

He laughed and tossed me something that caught the light. When it reached my hands I saw that it was a bottle of water. It felt very cold, though maybe most of the chill was in my skin itself.

"Dehydration is dangerous when training, as it can induce lethargy. Drink that down, then we'll do a bit more before we head home."

I was drinking already, and he nodded with approval. If you wonder why I didn't refuse when I knew what was going to happen, then you've obviously never been with ShinRa, and I'm not sure I could make you understand. Even if disobeying had been an option, which in SOLDIER it never was, I admired Angeal already. I wanted him to be proud of me. I had to believe he did know what was best for me, because either way, there wasn't a choice.

He was less passive afterward, dodging more than blocking and encouraging me to find openings in his defense. As far as I could tell there weren't any, but he seemed to like that I didn't get discouraged. Once or twice he only moved just in time to miss my blade, and since he smiled at those times, I guess he was genuinely pleased and wasn't just faking to give me confidence.

After about half an hour, Angeal stopped. He brought the flat of the Buster Sword's blade to his forehead, as if he were blessing himself with it. I considered rushing him for a second and using his 'take every advantage' order to justify it, but only for a second, and not seriously. I figured that I could fight dirty against an enemy if I had to, but I couldn't see myself doing that with my mentor. Angeal sheathed his sword, so I did the same.

"Not bad at all. As I suspected, the main problem is lack of concentration. Your mind kept wandering somewhere else and missed too many indications of what I was about to do."

"Sorry, sir."

"Don't be. Allow me to help correct this defficiency, and that will be quite enough."

"Yes, sir."

I suspected he knew what had been distracting me toward the end of the spar, and was still distracting me, but not so much as the thought of how this particular urgent matter was to be resolved. I tried to tell myself that the last time, with the paper and the floor, really was some sort of hazing ritual. Maybe to impress upon me that I've put myself in his more capable hands. Maybe the bizarre intimacy of it was his way of bonding, of determining my level of trust, or maybe Angeal was trying to make me see how much control he had and how little I did.

Trying to apply logic to this made my head hurt. I formulated three basic questions instead. One, would Angeal be doing that to me without a reason? No, I decided, he's obviously the kind of guy who does nothing unless it has a purpose. Two, reason or no reason, did I want it? No again, the memory and the thought of repeating it made my stomach twist into knots. Three, what was I going to do about it? A variation on "no" here - nothing. Even if I wanted to complain to someone, which I didn't, how did I know that this wasn't a standard mentor/apprentice exercise? Besides, it was nothing I couldn't handle.

I wished I could ask, but it felt like something that shouldn't be spoken of. Still, I couldn't stand the silence as we headed back.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"You said there are other ways to deal with hating to kill. Can I ask what your way is, sir?"

Angeal looked over his shoulder to smile grimly at me. "Balance."

"Balance? Like, not falling down?"

"That is the general idea," he laughed. "A SOLDIER sometimes has to kill, that is unavoidable, and killing takes something from the planet. I try to give back as much as I take. To create as much as I annihilate."

"Like what?"

"For example, I intend to deliver a highly capable SOLDIER to ShinRa, if I can keep him focused and alive for the next year, that is."

I wanted to ask for more examples, but it occurred to me then that the only flowers I had seen in the wood had been the ones at the clearing. If they weren't wild, they must have been planted there on purpose. It was strangely easy to imagine severe Commander Hewley carefully packing delicate roots into the earth and watering them. And kind of funny.

"What if I'm not good at creating anything, sir?"

"Would you consider saving innocent lives a form of creation, Cadet? An acceptable method of giving back?"

"I suppose so, sir."

"Well, you want to be a hero, don't you?"

I grinned. "Don't tell me that's in my file!"

"Instructor Finn added a note to that effect. I believe it included a smiley face." Angeal looked back and chuckled gruffly at my pouting. "I think he was amused, not mocking."

"I will be a hero!"

"Yes, yes, but not just yet."

"Now you're mocking me, aren't you, sir?" I asked, keeping my voice light.

"I am advising caution and patience. Do you know what happens to heroes who take on too much?"

"They...die?"

"They become martyrs. Dying for a cause is better than dying senselessly, but it means death either way," he said quietly. "I would prefer that you remain alive."

Neither of us said anything else as we returned to the White Building. Once inside the apartment, I froze as he shut the door behind us. I had been so comfortable, just moments before, that it hurt to suddenly lose that feeling. Maybe if I ran to the bathroom instead of waiting, like I knew what was going to happen...maybe he would have let me go.

"I have a meeting this evening," Angeal said from behind me, "and you should get to the cafeteria for dinner and put in an appearance among the other cadets. But before we both get cleaned up, another short lesson."

His hands descended onto my shoulders. "No talking. Understand?"

I nodded mutely. He guided me into the kitchen and to the same spot as before, where he had at some point laid down a fresh section of newspaper. I don't remember any of the headlines, my vision was too blurry to read them. Angeal massaged my shoulders for a minute, and he knew what he was doing. Unwillingly, I felt myself begin to untense. His fingers continued their work all the way down to my waist.

"It's all right. Down on your knees."

He put me into the same position as last time, and again ran his hands over my sides for a few moments to try to calm me. I controlled my breathing as much as I could and tried to pretend I was somewhere else, but when he reached inside my pants I let out a gasp that, to my further embarassment, sounded more like a whimper.

"Ssh. Relax." He pointed me toward the paper, just like last time. "I want you to go now."

Fat chance, I thought, I was more panicked this time than numb, but weirdly, it was easier now. I felt a relief that wasn't just physical as the stream of urine slowed to a trickle and stopped altogether. Phew, almost over. But Angeal wasn't letting go; instead, his hand slid down just a little and his thumb brushed over the head. I jumped, and his other arm curled around my abdomen.

"Ssh."

He needn't have bothered, I couldn't remember how to talk. His hand was so big that it cupped me like a child's toy. For all I knew, maybe he thought the same thing - after all, he was playing with it. Playing with me. He was the first person besides me to touch me this way, but I had done it myself enough to know what he was doing. This was not like last time.

"Trust me."

How can I when I don't understand this, I wanted to yell, but I nodded. He wasn't hushing me anymore, now he seemed to be listening intently to every gasp and moan I made and repeating the movements that caused the loudest noises. I started to get dizzy, so much so that I couldn't keep my head up anymore, but when I let it fall I saw, I saw his rough fingers squeezing, stroking. A heat flamed in my head that reminded me of the Gongagan Fever I had when I was seven.

The sight was too much. I shut my eyes and tried to keep the surge of pleasure I was feeling from reaching its zenith. I couldn't do this in front of Angeal, I couldn't let him see that! This isn't fair, I kept thinking, this isn't fair, I'm sixteen, but maybe my age was an advantage he had to take.

"What did I tell you, Zack?" he said gently. "Never hold back with me."

His hand sped up, and the friction was too much. It felt like I was exploding from the center outward, like a dandelion breaking apart in the wind and spilling its seeds all across a field. It was only a few seconds, but I thought I was going to die for an instant, that I would never stop shaking. Angeal's arm held me up like a doll when my limbs buckled and hung there uselessly. I had never felt so good in my life, and if someone had asked me right then which I would choose - to have it done to me again or curl up in a ball and cry - I couldn't have answered.

I opened my eyes to see the blurry newspaper, wet in one spot and covered in sticky whiteness. Just before Angeal folded it up and removed it I had an absurd thought - look, I created something. I added to the world of the paper and the kitchen floor it rested on. Still holding me about a foot in the air, he tucked my dick back inside my pants and slowly, carefully set me down on the tile. It felt wonderfully cool against my hot face, and my breathing returned to normal. Angeal's hand touched my back, rubbing up and down from neck to waist.

After a few minutes, he said, "All right, Zack? Can you get up?"

"Yes, sir." I started to, but he held my arms.

"Hold on a minute."

"Yes, sir." I hoped he was going to explain this at last.

"A few new rules first. No questions, no objections."

I nodded. He lifted my hips to put me back up on my knees, and when his hand moved beneath me I briefly thought we were going to do the whole thing again. He gently grasped the right place for it, but outside my clothes.

"Listen very carefully. Unless I tell you otherwise, you are no longer to touch this except when you are washing it." His other hand held something in front of my eyes so suddenly I started, but it was only a phone, which he slipped into my pocket. "My number is programmed into this phone. You will keep it with you at all times. If you need to urinate and I am not with you, then, for now at least, you will call me. We will relax that rule eventually, when I can trust you to do this on your own."

He gently squeezed again, and I exhaled sharply. "This applies also to the other need. You are to alert me and not take care of it yourself. The text codes you will use to tell me which it is are stored on the phone in the Notes file. Understand?"

The orders stored themselves in my brain, in places that were easily accessible and wouldn't forget, but that wasn't the same as understanding. I knew Commander Hewley was serious to a fault, however much he smiled and laughed in my presence, but I kept waiting for him to burst into hysterical laughter, tell me the joke was over and tease me for having fallen for it. He didn't, though. His hands ran up and down my sides in that soothing motion I was already used to.

"Zack. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir." I don't know how my voice didn't shake. Maybe it did and I just chose to remember differently.

"Okay. Go have a shower, I'm going to do the same."

A shower did sound good, and I stumbled into my bathroom and and practically tore off my clothes. I was in a hurry, not because I felt dirty, but because I wanted to remind myself who my body really belonged to. Short of putting hidden cameras in here, which didn't sound like something Angeal would do, there was no way he would ever know. If I thought too much I would have to admit I was about to disobey an order, so I got under the water as fast as I could, sighing at the warmth and the cleanness spraying over me. 

But it wouldn't come to life in my hand. Maybe it was, that time, because I had just come minutes earlier, but I was sixteen. Its will, which had always been separate from my own, seemed to be slipping away, falling under the direction of something stronger than both of us. I still didn't understand, but one thing was clear.

This part of me, that I had only a few years earlier learned the joys of, was no longer mine.

**To be continued!**


	3. And Choice

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 3 - And Choice**

 

As if that first day hadn't been confusing enough, I got a demonstration of just how serious Angeal was about his no-wandering-alone rule. He must have seen the slightly offended look on my face, because he assured me that he wouldn't insist on walking me personally to the cafeteria every time. When I asked him why this time, he hesitated, then gestured to the living room window. 

The day had turned cloudy suddenly, heralding the approach of a storm. It was only six, but it looked more like midnight. I didn't get it. The grounds' walkways and corridors were well lit at night, and I knew my way around.

"Sir, I'm not afraid of the dark."

"Perhaps I am," he said dryly.

"But - "

"No questions. Come on."

Understandably, I felt a little grumpy with my mentor for jerking me off one moment and treating me like a child the next. I didn't expect him to notice or be concerned about this, but what he said next implied that he did, and was.

"Do you trust me, Cadet?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then trust that I have reasons for what I do, even when you cannot see them." This sounded more like a request than an order, so I made my answer more an agreement than a mere acknowledgement.

"Okay."

Angeal smiled. It still seemed strange and rare whenever he did it, though it wasn't. Thankfully, he left me near the cafeteria entrance rather than let anyone see that he had come with me. In a low voice, he told me to drink a lot at dinner from now on, which jarred me so much that I barely caught the other thing he said - that a 1st Class named Lieutenant Averman would find me at 6:45 and walk me back. It wasn't until I was watching Angeal's large form retreating into the distance that I became angry. Now he was recruiting other SOLDIERs to baby-sit me?

I was fuming as I filled my tray, so much so that I almost picked the meatloaf, which you don't want to do, trust me. Trust. Angeal insisted I trust him, but he didn't trust me enough to walk around by myself, or be out after dark, or even take a fucking piss alone. How could I not be insulted? The last item I selected was a bottle of water, and I had to hold back the urge to find Angeal and chuck it at him. If I could've hated him, I would have felt better.

I sat down at a half-empty table across from one of the few cadets I was friendly with, Malakh Highcliff. He was a broad guy, a little taller than me, from Rocket Town, and we got along pretty well. I think it helped that he was near the top of our class and content with that, having no desire to fight me for number one. His hair was curly and the most striking red color I'd ever seen on a person. Our Tactics instructor, Okani, said it reminded him of a young Turk whom he referred to only as "Tseng's pet delinquent". I know who he meant now, though I didn't then. SOLDIER cadets tend to distrust Turks and vice versa, so we kept our distance.

"Hi, Malakh."

"Zack, I wondered when you'd show! Briggs and Saeni have been taking bets that you wouldn't make it through the day alive."

"I'm sure they'll be very disappointed, but I'm fine." Taking a long drink of water, I glanced at the cadet next to Malakh, who looked familiar, but I couldn't place a name to him. He was Wutaian, I guessed, closer to my height, and staring at me with wide dark eyes.

"Oh, do you know Cadet Yamura? This is Kono."

"Oh, right. Hi."

Kono nodded politely, and Malakh nudged him, saying "Go on, ask him if you don't believe me."

"Ask me what?"

"Kono doesn't think I was telling the truth about you being assigned to Commander Hewley."

"Oh," I said, swallowing a mouthful of potatoes. "It's true."

The silent cadet's eyes went wider. "Seriously? Aren't you scared?"

I was getting a little uneasy, but I shrugged. "Why would I be?"

"I heard that doctor does weird experiments on him to make him as strong as he is."

"Hojo?" Malakh asked.

"No, Hollander."

"The mako," I said, feeling a need to defend Angeal. "Big deal, everyone gets that. We've got mako test injections coming up, remember?"

"Not just mako, they say it's something else. The same thing that was done to the general to make him the way he is."

"They sure say a lot," Malakh scoffed, ripping the top off a pudding cup. "And no one is like Sephiroth, not even Commander Hewley."

Kono frowned, annoyed he wasn't being taken seriously. "I've heard something else too. That Commander Hewley has something to do with the demon."

I froze, fork in mid-air, but Malakh only laughed.

"From who, they again? 'They' being the first-years who'll spread any bullshit horror story they hear?"

"No," Kono said smugly, "they being a group of 1st Classes, last week. Finn sent me to deliver a message to Lieutenant Garber in the 1st Class weight room, and I heard them talking. I didn't hear much, but definitely 'Angeal' and 'demon' in the same sentence."

"So?" Malakh rolled his eyes. "Doesn't mean anything. The sentence could have been 'Angeal is such a demon in the sack.'"

I started choking on a piece of pear. Kono jumped up and whacked me on the back, and I coughed it up. Briggs and Saeni at the next table noticed my brush with death and didn't bother to hide their disappointment. I gave them a cheerful wave and a meaningful hand gesture.

"You shouldn't say stuff like that while Zack is right here."

I forced some more water down my sore throat. "C'mon, I'm not a tattle-tale."

"I didn't mean that," Kono said sincerely. "It's just not respectful. He's your mentor, and an officer like him choosing you is an honor. Malakh should take that into consideration."

"I'm right here, you know. And what's impolite about suggesting that Commander Hewley might be good in bed? I bet he is, actually." Malakh grinned at Kono's horrified expression. "Oh, what? 1st Classes have sex. More than we do, I'm sure. Look at Sephiroth. Whatever your preference is, no one would turn that down."

"You can't talk that way about the general!" Kono hissed. "If a 1st Class overheard you - "

"I'm sure they agree with me."

"Maybe, but they'd still kill you. You better keep your mouth shut."

"I will...unless I can get my mouth close enough to the general's - "

I was only half-listening as Malakh made inappropriate comments and Kono sputtered indignantly in reply. It wasn't really anything new; most of the cadets felt at least some sort of attraction to the general. If you've ever seen him, you understand. I think Kono was only surprised to hear Malakh speak of it so openly and graphically rather than in vague whispers.

Angeal had mentioned Sephiroth, his closest friend, describing him as warmer than people thought. At that point I knew Sephiroth only by reputation and had seen him only at a distance, and I, like most of the cadets, had assumed he was as cold as he appeared to be, that he cared for nothing and lived only for battle. But Angeal spoke of him with affection. He had said a friend helped him clear out that peaceful sparring place surrounded by life - had he meant Sephiroth? He implied that the general was aware that the cadets talked about him a lot - did that mean he knew the kind of things we said? The possibility made me feel guilty, even though I never said anything myself.

"...seriously, even if that sword means he's compensating for something - "

"Malakh, come on."

"You too, Zack? Gaia, what, you think the general is asexual or something? Shit, that would be a crime."

"What if the stuff you and the others say gets back to the general? How do you think it must make him feel? Maybe the whole reason so few people see him is because he hates people gawking at him."

Kono nodded in agreement. Malakh frowned at me for a second, but then he shrugged and smiled crookedly.

"Didn't think of it like that. But I think I know why you're so vigiliant about this all of a sudden."

"What?"

"Commander Hewley and the general are close friends, right?"

"I heard they grew up at ShinRa together," Kono volunteered.

"That rumor about ShinRa raising the commander isn't true," I told them. "He told me he was from a small village like me."

"Whatever," Malakh said, waving his fork. "My point is, Zack, you're afraid that if you let your friends talk about the general, Commander Hewley will find out."

"I'm not afraid of Commander Hewley."

"Really?" Kono asked, sounding surprised. "Everyone's at least a little afraid of him."

"Becuase they don't know him," I said, thinking of Angeal's over-cautious rules and how often he really smiled and laughed. "He's nice."

"Nice?" Malakh repeated incredulously. "He's not supposed to be nice, he's supposed to run you ragged and keep you constantly on edge so you never feel like your best is good enough."

Mission accomplished with the on-edge part, I though, and it sounds like Instructor Finn gave the other cadets a bleak impression about what an apprentice really goes through. No doubt he was trying to minimize jealousy among my classmates, and it was a good plan - they might even end up feeling sorry for me if they believe I'm being tortured daily by a demanding 1st Class tyrant.

"Well, he's very strict," I said carefully. "He expects a lot."

"He should," Kono said, "you're top of our class."

"I guess."

"You're really not scared of him at all?"

"I don't think he wants me to be. He wants me to trust him."

"Do you?"

"Yeah," I said, my lack of hesitation surprising me.

__

zfzfz

1st Class SOLDIERs are ShinRa's elite force, superior in every respect - including, apparently, punctuality. At 6:45 p.m. exactly, just as I was heading to the cafeteria doors, Lieutenant Averman tapped my shoulder and indicated I should follow him. At least he was subtle about it. A lot of SOLDIERs would have gleefully announced to everyone that Commander Hewley thought his apprentice needed to be baby-sat.

I knew Averman only in the same way all second-year cadets did - as one of the friendly 1st Classes who visited cadet lessons and helped instructors with demonstrations. He was one of the older ones at about 28 - 1st Classes tend to be between 23 and 30 - with short brown hair and a calm expression. I walked with him, wondering if he would mind questions, and about halfway to the White Building he spoke again.

"So you're Angeal's apprentice now, huh? You should feel honored, he's one of the best."

"Yes, sir. I'm very grateful to him."

"We were pretty surprised when we heard. I consider Angeal a friend as well as a colleague, but even I don't know much about him. He's a loner, not the type of guy you'd expect to volunteer for mentorship."

"Do you know why he did, sir? If it's not impolite to ask," I said cautiously.

"To be honest, I have no idea. Between you and me, kid, your instructors were insisting pretty loudly that you should be assigned to the best willing officer available, and it looked like it would be Commander Lefler. Then out of nowhere, Angeal just demands the position for himself. Oh, well. Angeal always has reasons for what he does. Your weapon's the sword, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"Maybe that's it, maybe Angeal trusts his own skill with the blade more than Lefler's," Averman laughed. "Not that I should be telling you that."

"Don't worry, sir. My lips are sealed, unless I ever need to blackmail you."

He laughed again and extended a hand to mess up my hair. "You're all right, Fair. I think you'll be good for Angeal. He needs to spend less time alone."

"Isn't Commander Hewley a close friend of the general's?"

Averman frowned for a moment at me, and I wondered if I had made a mistake. The 1st Classes were known to be very protective of Sephiroth and didn't talk much about him to lower-ranked officers, the same way they didn't tolerate anyone speaking his name with disrespect. I was about to apologize as we approached the entrance to the White Building, but Lt. Averman answered my question, having apparently judged it to be harmless.

"Yes, the commander and the general have been friends for many years. They were two of the first SOLDIERs, you know. But the general is very like Angeal in temperament. It'll be good for Angeal to be around someone talkative and cheerful, like you."

"Unless he gets annoyed and tosses me off the roof."

"Nah, he likes you." Averman opened the White Building's main door with his keycard and ushered me inside. "If he didn't, he wouldn't keep such a close eye on you. He wouldn't have bothered to have me escort you back here."

"Sir, if it's not inappropriate to ask, do you know why Commander Hewley thinks I need to be watched so closely? I'm wondering if he doesn't trust me for some reason."

Averman shook his head as we got on the elevator, and I concentrated on his voice and face to distract me from the height we were ascending to.

"Angeal hasn't given me any reasons, but whatever his reasons are, I don't think they have anything to do with his faith or lack of faith in your abilities. I expect he's just new to the idea of having a student and would rather be overly careful than risk being too lax. He'll ease up once you two have been together awhile. Uh, don't tell him we were talking about this, okay?"

"I won't, sir. Thank you."

It was nearly seven when Averman said good-bye and left me at the apartment door. I went inside and remembered Angeal saying he'd be back at 7:45 at the latest, so I wouldn't have long to wait, but I'm a restless person by nature. I went into my bedroom and tried to concentrate on Chapter 6 of The Art of Strategy In War for Tactics class, but my head was too full and confused to admit much new information.

Everyone I talked to and all my own instincts assured me that Angeal never did anything unless there was a point to it. Those same people and instincts said with certainty that he was a good man. Maybe, I thought, I was just overreacting. Maybe I was childish and wrong to be disturbed by Angeal's rules and bizarre kitchen-floor exercise. Maybe I was seeing a sexual impulse where there was only a desire to instill absolute obedience in me. However perplexed I felt when he touched me, I couldn't take the next step and believe he was hurting me. Angeal obviously didn't wish to harm me. He made me feel pleasure, not pain. How, then, could he be hurting me?

Angeal was right, I know now. Cadets are still children.

I had read the same sentence twelve times when I heard someone enter the apartment. I jumped to my feet without thinking about it and went into the living room, where I found Angeal facing the door, studying the control pad beside it. He seemed to be checking to make sure the door was locked even against keycard entry. He would do that every night, but that first time, he seemed almost nervous, and that brought up the same feeling in me.

"Sir? Is everything all right?"

I didn't startle him; no cadet could sneak up on a 1st Class. Or so I thought then.

Angeal turned around and gave me a strange look. Except in brief moments of strong feeling, his expression was always intent and neutral, reflecting and revealing nothing. The contrast of this default blankness should have made his emotions easy to read, but his eyes - brown made luminescent with the glow of mako - and the thin, hard line of his mouth gave so little away. I saw concern, hesitation, something that might have been a flicker of guilt, and then he shook his head.

"Everything is fine, Zack," he said as he motioned me into the kitchen.

A little while later I was laying in bed, putting my brain through one more futile round of pin-the-logic-on-the-situation before letting myself drop off. I was too tired and too recently spent to become aroused, and good thing, because I couldn't stop playing the last time in the kitchen over and over in my mind. In one day it had become a ritual, Angeal making me pee on the floor like a paper-trained puppy and then making me come in his hand while his other arm held me and his voice spoke reassurance. After we'd finished, he gently settled me onto the floor and rubbed my shoulders till I was half-asleep, before bidding me good-night and sending me to bed.

The uneasiness I felt about how he touched me couldn't destroy the respect and liking I already had for Angeal. It didn't diminish the pride I felt about being able to make him talk and smile and laugh. It didn't change the fondness he seemed to feel for me or his irritating, over-protective concern. It didn't make him any less the man who cared about honoring life and who liked flowers. He had shared the beauty of that place with me for its own sake and mine, not merely for a lesson. I wondered if, when he brought me to my knees and reduced me to tremors with his strong hands, he was trying to show me something beautiful in that too.

It seemed wrong, but it felt good. I didn't understand it, but maybe I wasn't supposed to. Even then, I had at least a vague notion that other people would label Angeal's actions abuse, but he made me feel safe. Did I want it, or was I making myself want it to avoid feeling victimized?

I drifted into sleep before the answer could come. I'm not sure it ever did at all.

**To be continued!**


	4. I Am the One to Protect You

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 4 - I Am The One To Protect You**

 

Over the following weeks, Angeal and I settled into our new roles and developed a routine. Monday through Friday, I would attend one class each day with the other cadets and spend the rest of my time with him. Angeal and I passed most of that time in sword sparring, but he wanted me to become at least competent with a variety of weapons. He explained that we would be covering firearms, knives, staffs and possibly more, and assigned me dull books on their techniques, saying that I would learn more just by using them but that it never hurt to know the theory of something.

I no longer attended Unarmed Training lessons and assumed Angeal would immediately take over my instruction in hand-to-hand combat, but he said we would be focusing on other things for now. Also, a lot of my education would come about by merely accompanying and observing him. Cadets who are taken on as apprentices are expected to become exemplary SOLDIERs, as they have through their mentors a rare chance to learn all about the daily life of a SOLDIER.

One of the first things he set me to study was the geography of the ShinRa Compound. "I want you able to find your way to any hedge or corner under any conditions," Angeal said, though not explaining why I would need this ability if I was not permitted to go anywhere alone. He gave me detailed maps of every building, courtyard and path and made me spend hours staring at them. Sometimes he'd put them away and ask me to describe the shortest route between two points, or a route that avoided the main walkways, or a route that avoided passing the labs. I was never particularly good at maps or navigation, so it was slow going, but Angeal was encouraging.

Improving my intuition and reflexes was another big thing with him. It's mostly the mako that makes SOLDIERs hyper-aware and quick to react, but the regular mako regimen doesn't begin until 3rd Class, and Angeal seemed unwilling to wait. During spars he would occasionally order me to close my eyes and then move around the clearing or whatever area silently, and I would try to sense his location just by feel. That was difficult. I would have to listen for the faintest noises, and determine where he was by the feel of the air his movement disturbed. I showed a little progress with this as we went along, and Angeal took that as a sign that I can actually concentrate when I really need to.

Angeal never talked much about his past, though he showed an interest in mine. I told him about Gongaga and my parents and my happy, unremarkable childhood, but whenever I put similar questions to him, he would give a very vague or brief answer and switch to another subject. Those first weeks, all I found out was that he came from a village called Banora and his only family was his mother. His cool expression didn't change when he mentioned her.

During all this, the kitchen-floor ritual continued. We would do it first thing in the morning (I would sometimes be half-asleep), in the middle of the day, and just before bed. It was so regular that I almost never had to call him with the code for urination - 111 - and not even once did I have to use the 333 code, which was good because I'm not sure I could've brought myself to. Every time I finished peeing on the paper, Angeal stroked me and made me come, which was no challenge for him. I became hard when he cupped me in his hand, and at no other time. In a way, it was a relief. I didn't have to worry about calling him for it or getting erect at an embarassing time, which is something cadets tend to tease each other mercilessly about. But it frightened me a little that I had already become so conditioned to what Angeal asked of me. I had surrendered to him early, without even realizing it.

I had hardly expected to understand him completely after only a few weeks, but it bothered me that Angeal remained such an enigma. It's always been easy for people to talk to me and trust me, and I've always been good at getting people to open up. Angeal was fond of me even then, his behavior made that obvious, but he kept such a distance. I was with him constantly and yet I never knew what he was thinking. His simple habits gave nothing away. He would go on fewer missions now that he was a mentor, he told me, so his time away from me seemed to consist mostly of meetings with other high-ranking officers, executive duties (what these were exactly I had no idea, I just knew he often brought work home from his office), his private training, and the few hours each week he spent in Dr. Hollander's lab. I found out about that last one one night while Angeal and I were both in the living room, he busy with paperwork and I with a practice test on materia.

"Sir," I began, unable to restrain my curiosity in the silence, "may I ask a question?"

"Go ahead."

"Where did you go last night?"

He looked up and blinked at me, seeming surprised. "I left just before midnight. You should have been asleep."

"I was only awake for a few minutes, sir. Just long enough to hear you leave. Do you go out that late often?"

Angeal hesitated, then shook his head. "Once a week. Do you trust me, Zack?"

"Of course, sir."

"Then I will trust you. I will tell you where I go if you promise to keep this information to yourself. I don't wish to encourage rumors."

"I promise, sir," I said, feeling the urge to grin. He was confiding in me! He had enough faith in me to know I wouldn't betray him.

"One night each week, my presence is required by Dr. Hollander for a few hours for mako level adjustment."

"At night, sir? I thought mako injections were done during the day."

"For normal SOLDIERs, yes. There are a few who have been on a slightly stronger regimen, for a longer length of time than the rest. I am one of these." Angeal said this without pride; he sounded a little glum, if anything. "Our abilities are superior to those who are on the standard dosage, but we require more careful monitoring. I suppose it's worth the nuisance of the tests."

I figured Sephiroth was probably one of those elite, and wondered who the other or others might be. Angeal wasn't likely to tell me that.

"Does your dose of mako hurt, sir?"

He fixed me with a steady, calm stare. "You would have had a small injection last year, correct?"

I nodded. That's standard procedure. Every SOLDIER cadet is given a small dose of mako a few months into their first year and their second year, to check the body's tolerance of it. Anyone who reacts badly is faced with two choices - either join the regular army, the Guard, or leave ShinRa altogether. I suppose someone with the right qualities could become a Turk, but I'd never heard of anyone doing that. Fortunately, I hadn't had any problems, just some dizziness and disorientation. Mako affects different people different ways. Some of my classmates experienced pain, nausea, vomiting - I was one of the lucky ones. I hoped I would do as well or better with the second-year test dose.

"What you receive as a cadet is roughly half the standard SOLDIER dose. What I get is about three times the standard. The effects are therefore multiplied, but fortunately, in my case, they are not too bad, and I am entirely myself again in a few hours."

"Oh."

I wondered if this had anything to do with my being forbidden to go near the labs. Not that I would have wanted to anyway. I met Hojo very briefly during the first-year mako tests and was creeped out by him, a pretty standard reaction to Hojo.

"I'm sensing another question, Zack."

It felt like I was being given permission. "So, you're not yourself while you're getting the mako, sir?"

"High doses of it have very varied reactions, depending on the person being injected. Psychological symptoms can include mood swings, lowered inhibitions, paranoia, extreme suggestibility, mania. And so on." He very obviously did not mention physical symptoms.

"Isn't it risky, then, to give anyone that much?"

"There are few of us, and the benefits would seem to outweigh the disadvantages." Angeal said this flatly, as though he didn't necessarily believe it himself. "Hojo and Hollander are both highly intelligent. Among other things."

I snickered, and Angeal smiled thinly.

__

zfzfz

Rumors of a demon haunting the ShinRa Compound had begun to circulate, as far as I could tell, about a year earlier. The first mysterious death - a member of the cleaning staff - had occurred a few months into my first year in the cadet corps.; I remember being careful not to mention anything about it in my letters home, so my parents wouldn't worry. After that, it was maintenance workers, security guards, delivery men. ShinRa's official statements always labeled them accidents and refused to comment further. In an atmosphere of such resounding silence, it was hard to know anything for sure. Since Kono always seemed to be up on the latest and loudest rumors, I decided to talk to him about it one day during Strength Training.

"Well, for one thing, at least one death was supposedly covered up completely."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean no statement, no funeral, nothing. The body was taken away as soon as it was found and no one guessed his disappearance was really murder."

"Who?"

"A 3rd Class named...Selwin, I think," Kono said. "It was given out that he was transferred to Wutai."

"Maybe he was."

"In the middle of the night? Besides, ShinRa hasn't been sending any 3rd Classes to Wutai, only 1st and 2nd. Tensions are high there, you know, and resistance factions have been opposing the peace agreement. Why send lower-ranked officers into such a dangerous situation?"

"Maybe there aren't enough 1st and 2nd Classes," I said, though I knew it was a weak argument. Probably half of both the top classes were stationed in and around Midgar, maybe a little less, but plenty to spare. Sephiroth had been in Wutai but was back now, and Angeal hadn't gone at all.

I tried another possibility. "Maybe Selwin was about to be promoted."

"Could be. Has Commander Hewley said anything about the demon?"

"I don't think he believes in it."

"It has to be something, demon, monster, whatever. All these deaths can't be accidents, there have been at least eight."  
Kono was lifting free weights, and I was doing squats, my preferred method of exercise because it really gets the blood going and allows me to be in constant motion. We were both off in a far corner of the cadets' weight room, isolated enough to talk privately.

"Some of them could be accidents," I offered. "We don't know for sure that all the deaths are related. We don't even know how they died."

"Cadet Hart saw one of the bodies."

"Which one?"

"The maintenance guy they found near the Old Building. He said there was no blood and no injury he could see, just that the man was really pale."

"Death doesn't exactly give you a healthy glow," I laughed. "If there was no injury, how did he die?"

"I don't know, but Hart said he heard Lieutenant Halloran say that all the bodies have looked the same. No visible wounds."

"Maybe it's some sort of sickness? A virus?"

"It would be spreading faster, wouldn't it?" Kono said reasonably. "Besides, ShinRa has the most sophisticated science department in the world. The doctors must have tested and compared the victims' blood."

I paused, mid-squat, and slowly stood up. The Old Building. Where the science labs were. Where I was forbidden to go. Did Angeal know more about these deaths than he was telling? Was this 'demon', whatever it really was, the reason he didn't want me wandering alone, especially at night? All the victims had been found early in the day, each having been dead for hours, from what I had heard.

"Zack?"

"Do you know where any of the other bodies were found?"

"Um...I think there was one or two near the White Building, one behind the Old Building...I'm not sure, really. Why?"

The White Building. Where the 1st Class quarters were. Both buildings were ones Angeal frequently visited. I remembered two of his rules - do not go near the science labs unless I am with you. Do not go to the eighteenth floor of the White Building for any reason.

"Zack?"

"Kono, can you help me with something?"

"I can try. What is it?"

"What you said, about Commander Hewley having something to do with the demon. I think you might be right."

Kono's eyes widened. "You think the commander - "

"I don't think he's done anything," I said quickly. "But I think he might know something about it."

"What do you propose we do?"

"Figure this mystery out ourselves. What do you say? I bet we could do it!"

"I don't know," Kono said reluctantly. "I don't think ShinRa would like us digging into this. Or Commander Hewley."

"If we solve this, they won't care that we did a little snooping. We'll be heroes!"

Lucky thing my enthusiasm is so contagious. Kono took a deep breath, let it out and nodded.

"Okay. But let's at least try to stay out of trouble, okay?"

"Deal!" I went back to my squats, staying as close as I could so we could keep our voices low. "The first thing we need to do is learn as much as we can about the deaths. Especially who they were and where the bodies were found."

"At least some of them were reported in the Midgar Herald, I think. I know a cadet who saved the clippings. I could make copies."

"Excellent. We can meet in the library on Sunday and start working this out. I'll bring maps, I've got 'em for the whole Compound. Until then, we should both try to find out as much more as we can." Sundays were free days for cadets, and Angeal was lenient about letting me do what I wanted with free time, as long as I wasn't alone.

"Are you going to ask the commander about this?"

"Yeah, right. 'Sir, I was wondering, are you helping to cover up a bunch of serial murders?' That would go over really well."

"You know, Zack, Commander Hewley is a high-ranking officer, but he's still a ShinRa employee. Maybe they're making him keep quiet."

"But why? These deaths have been bad publicity for ShinRa. They would want them stopped, not covered up."

Kono shrugged. "Maybe someone else, then. If the commander is protecting the person or people or whatever doing this, he must have a reason."

"He always has reasons," I whispered without thinking.

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

__

zfzfz

Angeal's appointments with Dr. Hollander were always on Thursday. After I found out where he went and why, I started having trouble falling asleep on those nights. Maybe I was worried about him, I don't know. Obviously he had been having these treatments for years, long before I met him, and if they were going to affect him badly they would have already. It was just weird being in the apartment at night without him, I guess, less safe. Maybe I really was still a child.

The day Kono and I decided to tackle the mystery of the random deaths was a Thursday, and I woke up suddenly after only a few hours of sleep. The clock beside my bed said 2:38 a.m., and my first thought was to wonder if Angeal was back yet. I heard, just barely, the sound of the main door opening. Then Angeal's voice...was he talking to someone? Without thinking, I jumped out of bed and pressed my ear to the door.

"I'm not in the mood for this," Angeal was saying. "If you want to talk, it'll have to wait till morning."

"Oh, but Angeal, you know I'm not a morning person," an unfamiliar, cool voice answered, laughing a little like it was a joke. "Aren't we still friends?"

"That will depend on what you do from now on, Genesis."

Genesis. The name was known to me, though not like Angeal's or Sephiroth's. I recalled that it belonged to a 1st Class SOLDIER, an enigma about whom less was known and seen even than the general. From what I understood, Genesis was like a ghost. SOLDIERs never talked about him, and some cadets were afraid even to say his name.

"Angeal, I'm hurt. Don't you trust me?"

"I would like to."

"Well, I'm still your friend. I want to know everything that's going on in your life. Hollander and Lefler had to tell me about your new apprentice. Why didn't you?"

Angeal's voice seemed to get lower and more tense. "You were in Wutai."

"And now I'm back. I want to meet him."

"He's asleep."

Genesis laughed again. "I sometimes forget that my senses are keener than yours. Cadet, come out here!"

I froze for a second, wondering if I was about to get into trouble, but when you're a cadet and a 1st Class orders you to do something, you do it. It becomes automatic, like blinking. I slowly opened the door and stepped into the living room, intending to apologize to Angeal immediately, but I saw the stranger first, and froze again.

The mysterious Genesis was a few inches shorter than Angeal, which is still quite tall. Everything about him, especially his features, was smaller and sharper than Angeal, but there was something cold and hard about him. His hair was nearly shoulder-length, styled in a casual but deliberate way, and he wore a long, gothically elegant jacket of deep purple and an earring in one ear. He reminded me more of a musician than a fighter. His eyes, though glinting with mako, seemed to have no color but dark, and I avoided looking directly into them.

What surprised me was that I recognized this man. He was the strange, silent 1st Class who had observed the cadets during Weapons Training, the one I thought had been watching me in particular. Genesis smirked at my surprise, and laughed softly when I saluted.

"At ease, Cadet."

I turned to Angeal. He seemed frustrated, but not at me.

"I'm sorry, sir. I was having trouble sleeping."

"Are you all right?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, sir."

"Angeal, where are your manners?"

Angeal's eyes narrowed, and he spoke through clenched teeth. "Genesis, this is Cadet Zack Fair. Zack, Commander Genesis Rhapsodos, 1st Class."

"Sir."

"No formality necessary," Genesis said idly, though he was staring at me intently. "Call me by my name. I've never been as fond of discipline as Angeal and Sephiroth."

I sensed Angeal, beside me, growing tenser. Genesis put out his hand, and I saw no choice but to shake it. His skin was cold and oddly smooth, like a glove filled with ice water, and he seemed in no hurry to let go. His fingertips ran lightly over my wrist, like they were searching for something by touch. Genesis's unblinking eyes flickered up and down over my body, and I felt exposed, though I was wearing a T-shirt and shorts. My heart began to beat faster, his fingers stopped moving, and he smiled at me in a way that suggested we shared a secret.

"Do you like working with Angeal, Cadet?"

I nodded, unable to find my voice. His eyes had caught mine and wouldn't let go, I couldn't look away. Even blinking couldn't break this strange hold. I was starting to feel drowsy - not tired like I needed sleep, but tired like I would soon fall unconscious where I stood. I tried to pull my hand back, and sensed Angeal about to move.

"Yes, look at me, Cadet," Genesis whispered, and a red light began to appear in his eyes.

Someone pulled me back suddenly - Angeal. He turned me to face him and looped an arm around my waist before my legs could buckle. I was too groggy and relieved to care if leaning my head against his chest was inappropriate. I guess it was okay, because he drew me closer when I did.

"Leave, Genesis. Now."

"As you wish. But your little protégé needs to rest. I was only trying to help."

Angeal didn't say anything or move until the main door had opened and shut, and we were alone. The weakness I felt began to lift, and I felt myself awaken as though out of a strange dream. It was comfortable being so close to Angeal, and I was a little disappointed when he pulled back and lifted my chin to examine my face.

"I'm sorry if he alarmed you. Genesis is...eccentric, and not very good with people."

"Sir," I said, trying to keep the words from turning to mush in my mouth, "did something just...happen? I feel strange."

"You're just overtired, Zack. Come on."

He took me by the elbow and guided me into the kitchen. As he helped me down onto the paper, for the first time I felt something else, even stronger than the confusion and uneasiness. I wanted this, I wanted it the way I hadn't wanted Angeal to let me go just moments earlier. One of his arms returned to that familiar loop around my middle, and the other hand gently lifted me out of my shorts.

"Sir." I knew I wasn't supposed to talk but decided to chance it. "I don't have to, um..."

"Ssh. Just relax."

My arms could hardly hold me up. I straightened them and lay my head down on top of my hands, and tried to stifle a moan as Angeal began to stroke me. His skin was so warm, and the arm around me trembled; I thought I could hear him breathing between my gasps and sighs. The last bit of energy I had seemed to shoot out of my body and leave me when I came.

I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, I was being placed on my bed. I tried to focus on Angeal as he put the blanket over me, tried to find him by the glow in his eyes. He must have noticed, because he touched my cheek to lay my head on the pillow, then drew back quickly, as though I'd burned him.

"Sir?"

"Go to sleep, Zack."

I couldn't have disobeyed if I wanted to, I was nearly out by the time Angeal reached the door. He probably thought I was asleep already when he turned back. The last thing I knew before the dark enfolded me was something he said softly, addressed to me but not intended for me to hear.

"I won't let him have you. I promise."

**To be continued!**


	5. Don't Fret, Precious, I'm Here

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 5 - Don't Fret, Precious, I'm Here**

 

To be honest, I wasn't sure what to think about Genesis. I mean, I've always been considered cute, and since entering the mostly male environment of ShinRa I'd gotten a lot of appreciative looks and offers. It was a point of pride with me to politely refuse them all, to not be a typical, sex-obsessed teenager, and my attempt to focus on being a cadet first and foremost was probably a major reason I was top of my class. But I wasn't naive about that stuff. I knew when I was being checked out.

Still, Genesis confused me. The way he looked at me had seemed obvious enough, but what about his odd behavior, the strange drowsiness I had felt when he stared at me? I couldn't help the feeling that he had caused it somehow, which seems like a bizarre way to proposition someone. Also, he was a 1st Class, and - except in the daydreams of Sephiroth fanboys - it was not at all usual, as far as I knew, for 1st Classes to involve themselves that way with cadets.

Between Angeal and Genesis, I wondered if maybe 1st Classes in general have a strange approach to sexual matters, or if it had to do with the increased level of mako they were getting. Later on I found out that the treatments did play a part in this, but at the time, I decided that Genesis had most likely just been messing with me to annoy Angeal. Whatever their claims of friendship, Angeal had been relieved when Genesis left. Something not quite friendly was going on between them, I thought.

Angeal unknowingly confirmed my suspicion the next day. A few days earlier, Instructor Finn had asked if I could return to my Weapons Training class once or twice a month to help with the cadets who would benefit from a more advanced sword partner. On Friday, I heard Angeal on the phone with the instructor, telling him he would consider allowing it, but it would have to be on a day when he was free to come with me. I doubted Genesis would bother me if Angeal weren't there to see it, but my mentor seemed to want me kept in the dark in this matter as much as possible, so I said nothing. Out of respect for him, but not only that.

Something was changing in me, and this was at least a feeling I recognized. It was a pretty normal thing for cadets and young officers to develop crushes on superiors. I've mentioned the quiet worship accorded Sephiroth by many of my classmates, and I knew Angeal had his fans too, as other 1st Classes did. So, not a weird thing, but my developing feelings for Angeal, when I realized them, made me feel devastated and angry at myself. I knew I had to be careful, to not misinterpret his concern for me and his training methods as something they were not.

Angeal thankfully didn't seem to notice anything, except maybe that I became more relaxed during the kitchen-floor ritual. He said nothing, but the first time of that weekend, Saturday morning, he did something a little different. He rubbed his hands up and down my sides beneath my shirt, not over, and for a moment his fingers started to slip under the waistband of my shorts. He stopped right away and abruptly pulled back, leaving me with my heart pounding, wondering what he had been about to do. And kinda disappointed.

Breakfast was the one meal of the day we ate together. Angeal always ordered it from the 1st Class dining hall down on the second floor, because it was easiest, he said, and because he was an indifferent cook. He laughed a little when I told him I could cook, and when I retorted that he would believe me if he tasted the spicy chicken and rice recipe I learned from my mother, he said I could make it sometime. Under the supervision of himself and a fire extinguisher, he added, laughing again when I scowled at him.

"You seem rested," he commented. "Were you able to sleep?"

"Yes, sir. I'm fine. May I ask a question?"

Angeal smiled ruefully. "Instructor Okani did warn me that you are curious by nature."

"Did you talk to all my teachers?"

"Of course. They only had good things to say, don't worry. What's your question, Zack?"

"Sir," I began, trying to sound casual, "is Genesis one of the elite SOLDIERs you told me about, who get more mako than everyone else?"

The faint smile disappeared into a tense expression of solemn thought. Damn.

"Yes, he is. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep that information to yourself, Zack. These matters are not discussed openly."

"Of course, sir. I was just - "

"Curious," he finished for me, nodding. "Not a bad quality. But potentially dangerous."

I thought he might be warning me, but I couldn't stop myself. "Are you mad at him for something, sir?"

Angeal's face hardened for a moment, and I thought he might be getting angry, but he shook his head, like he was trying to shake that feeling away.

"My friendship with Genesis is a complicated one. I'd rather you not get caught in the middle of it."

"So you are friends?" I pressed. "It seemed like - "

"Genesis and I have known each other many years, and been through a lot together. It would take a lot to break those ties completely, even more than - " Angeal halted mid-sentence and looked at me steadily. "You can get anyone to talk, can't you, Cadet? You would have made an excellent Turk."

"Wouldn't," I grumbled childishly.

"All you need to know about Genesis is that you are to stay away from him."

"But if he's your friend - "

"I remain his friend because I believe his heart is good," Angeal said quietly; I had to strain to hear him. "But I have done things he cannot forgive, and coupled with his instability, that makes him a danger."

"To you, sir?"

"Not directly. Come on, Cadet. Time for you to see the more tedious side of a high-ranking SOLDIER's life."

__

zfzfz

Angeal had me shadow him that day, I guess to impress upon me that the upper ranks of SOLDIER aren't all fame and excitement. First stop was his office, on the fifth floor, a plain room full of shelves with a desk and a few chairs. He pointed me to a filing cabinet, produced two boxes of loose documents and assigned me to sort them into their proper files. It was as mind-numbingly dull as it sounds, but it did give me a vague idea what Angeal had to deal with.

Apparently, every little request and action made or taken by the SOLDIERs under Angeal's jurisdiction (he oversaw the 2nd Classes as Sephiroth did the 1sts, I came to understand) required paperwork to be filled out and reports filed and reviewed. Form after complicated form bore Angeal's signature, and I found myself wondering how his hand hadn't fallen off from such exertion. Of course, I knew how strong his hands were, and that thought was one I quickly banished. If Angeal had caught me blushing over files, I don't know what my explanation would have been.

I saw other signatures whose names I knew - President Shinra; Dr. Hojo; Dr. Hollander; Tseng, commander of the Turks. And Sephiroth. It was weird, for some reason, to realize Sephiroth had something as personal as a signature. It was clear and concise, elegant in its simplicity. And it seemed to support the popular supposition that the general didn't have a last name. I wanted to ask Angeal about this, about a lot of things, but if 1st Classes are protective of Sephiroth's privacy as a rule, I figured Angeal must be even more so. 

Angeal was at his desk during this mental wandering of mine, inputing the contents of a file into the computer. You might think it was strange for me to see a feared and renowned warrior like Commander Hewley doing something as mundane as typing, but remember, at the time I had not yet seen him fight a real enemy. At the end of my first cadet year, he and Commander Lefler had sparred for my class to inspire us and give us some idea of what we would someday be capable of, but as awesome as I thought he was then, he was obviously not fighting as he would in a real battle for his life. And he held back even more in his spars with me, even more than I would have liked. The Angeal I was getting to know then was a thoughtful, concerned man who was often quietly amused, and was amusing himself at times. Seeing him do paperwork was nothing after I'd caught him trying to death-glare the coffee-maker into submission.

"Having fun, Zack?"

"Loads, sir," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "Why does ShinRa make you waste your time with this stuff?"

He chuckled gruffly. "It's the price a SOLDIER pays for high rank. Remember that if your ambition ever gets to be too much for you."

"But isn't it a waste of your abilities, sir? Wouldn't you rather be fighting or at least doing missions, anything but this?"

"It's easier for someone of my temperament than it would be for you, I suppose. I don't mind it. Besides, if I wanted more time in the field, I would not have volunteered for mentorship. I'm getting on in years, its about time I pass on the wisdom I've accumulated."

"Is that a joke?" I scoffed, smiling to show him I wasn't serious.

He smiled back, and I thought then that I had never felt so comfortable with or so close to anyone. We had known each other only weeks, but it felt like longer.

Angeal seemed so relaxed that I took the opportunity for a question. "Sir, does the general have to do this stuff too?"

"Yes. Sephiroth finds such things tedious as well, but he requires perfection from himself in every aspect of his job. And he doesn't trust the most important tasks to his assistant."

"Why don't you have an assistant, sir?"

"I did, but I've had to replace him, and the replacement is still being trained. By Lieutenant Keiga, in fact, the general's assistant. It's difficult to find SOLDIERs with the right skills and patience for office work, though it is good executive experience for them."

"Does the training take long?" I asked, nearly finished the first box and wondering how many more there were.

"Not much longer. Until then, I'll just have to take advantage - " Angeal's eyes flickered away, and he cleared his throat. "I'll just have to keep you at that filing cabinet you've been pouting at."

"It's a waste of my skills too, you know. Paperwork isn't very heroic."

"Well, if the hero thing doesn't work out, you'll make someone a very amusing secretary."

"I hope that was a joke!"

Someone knocked at the door. Angeal said "Come in", and I literally dropped the sheaf of papers I was holding - fortunately, no one noticed. It was the first time I had seen Sephiroth from so close, and it was a memorable experience. From a distance, the general seemed untouchable, inhuman; he was much less so only a few feet away. Obviously exceptional, ridiculously beautiful, able to move without making a noise or even disturbing the air, yes, but the polite nod he directed at me and the faint, preoccupied smile he gave the commander made him real.

It was funny, afterward, to remember marvelling that Sephiroth had facial expressions and emotions, when he and I became friends and I was considered to be the one who knew him best. The distance he kept from most people and his legendary reputation prevented all but the bravest, dumbest and luckiest from getting to know Sephiroth at all, and unless you do know him, he does seem inhuman. Why do I keep using the present tense? He's gone now. Hardly anything is left but this story I want to tell. Stay on it, Zack. Anyway...

Angeal smiled, stood (casually, not jumping up as people usually did for the general) and clasped Sephiroth's hand warmly. "Good to see you, Seph."

Seph? I smiled, since they weren't looking at me.

"I hope I haven't interrupted anything."

"Not at all. Let me introduce my apprentice, Cadet Zack Fair. Cadet, as I'm sure you know, this is General Sephiroth."

I scrambled to my feet and saluted. He turned to look at me, and okay, I confess, my knees wobbled a little. Whether that was from intimidation or awe I don't know - either way, it took a real effort to meet his eyes without my mouth falling open. His eyes were a cool silver the same shade as his long hair, and I was confused to see sadness in them, hiding behind his passive expression. (Side note - thank Gaia I couldn't get hard at any old time.)

"At ease," Sephiroth said thoughtfully. "Zack Fair. I've heard about you, from Angeal and others. Ranked number one in your class for the second consecutive year. Consistently high marks in all subjects. And I've been told you aspire to be a hero. Correct?"

Finn had been my favorite instructor; now I felt the need to re-evaluate. I knew "Yes, sir" was the appropriate answer, but I heard myself say something much more typical of me.

"I also currently hold the cadet record for squats, sir."

Behind the general, Angeal laughed silently and shook his head, which I supposed meant I wasn't about to get reprimanded for not showing proper respect. To my relief, Sephiroth smiled. It was small (I later learned that this faint smile was his only one), but whoa. If I hadn't been crushing on Angeal, I would've joined the Sephiroth fanboys in that moment.

"Considering your record and the example your mentor sets, I will expect a great deal from you when you become a SOLDIER, Cadet."

"I won't disappoint you, sir."

He nodded and turned back to Angeal, who gestured to me that I should get back to work. I did, glancing at them every now and then out of the corner of my eye. They spoke quietly, but not so much that I couldn't hear.

"So what brings you here?" Angeal asked.

"A message that I could not entrust to Keiga. He is occupied with Lieutenant Moray anyway. Moray should be ready for you in another day, two at the most, Keiga tells me."

"I'm guessing the message is personal."

"Genesis," Sephiroth said heavily, his voice intimating a sigh. "He seemed distraught, so I agreed to speak to you for him."

"Distraught," Angeal repeated, sounding unconvinced.

"Apparently he wasn't feeling like himself last night, and is concerned that he may have offended you and upset the cadet without meaning to."

"I see. Why did he not tell me this himself?"

"Genesis is under the impression that you want him to keep his distance."

"I'm sorry you keep getting caught in the middle like this, Seph."

Sephiroth shook his head dismissively. "He has always been at fault more than you, Angeal. It's just - "

"I know. I don't want to give up on him either. We have too much history together to let old grudges tear us apart." Angeal's voice dropped lower. I could just barely hear now, and pretended to be ignoring them completely. "The reports from Wutai?"

"Nothng suspicous so far. Hollander, too, continues to be optimistic."

"That's good," Angeal sighed. "But last night - "

"He would not have tried anything with you standing right there," Sephiroth said. "Perhaps he really was trying to help. Some of it is beyond his control, remember. Who can understand that better than I?"

I caught a glimpse of a dark shadow falling over Angeal's expression, and his hand lightly grasping Sephiroth's shoulder. "This is not the same as that. Has he been saying - "

"No."

"If he does, I swear I'll - "

"I will handle such a situation in my own way, Commander." Sephiroth said, and even though his voice was eerily cold, I felt kind of relieved. Angeal had sounded angry, though about what, I had no idea.

"Of course. General."

Sephiroth looked down and said something so softly that I couldn't make it out. Angeal leaned closer to him and answered just as quietly. The concern on his face was familiar to me, but I was jarred by it, wondering what could cause the famous Sephiroth to need (or appear to need) that concern. Whatever it was, I felt like I was intruding on a private moment between close friends, so I purposely kept my eyes on the files and didn't look up again until Sephiroth had left.

"I think you impressed him, Zack," Angeal said. His voice was light, but the shadow I'd noticed before hadn't yet left his eyes. He was watching the door with a frown, though he smiled when I looked at him.

"Really?"

"Really. Sephiroth has earned the respect he is accorded many times over, but I think it means more to him to be spoken to like a human being, not a god. Did you find him surprising?"

"He's not as scary up close."

"People usually aren't."

"Sir?" Don't, don't, I told myself, this time you are going too far, but my lips were aleady moving again. "Is the general okay?"

Angeal stared at me, not blinking. "What makes you think he is not?"

"He seemed sad, and I..." Angeal still wasn't blinking. "I apologize, sir, that was out of line."

I turned back to the box of papers and quickly grabbed a bunch, hoping he might just let it go and forget I'd said anything. A few moments passed silently, and I thought I'd gotten my wish.

"Zack." Angeal was smiling, not happily, but at least he was blinking again. "You were not out of line."

"I wasn't?"

"On the contrary. I am impressed that your concern for your general overcame your fear of my displeasure. Most SOLDIERs, and people in general, believe that Sephiroth is invincible or very nearly so, and do not think to ask the question you just did. Sephiroth would probably not thank you for this," he said with a soft laugh, "but as his friend, I do."

"But you're not gonna answer it, sir, are you?"

"The general is very strong."

As I had expected, it wasn't much of an answer at all.

__

zfzfz

Angeal had given me permission to go to the Compound's library the following afternoon, adding (to my great annoyance) that he would arrange for someone to walk me there. At least he agreed that I could go to dinner that day with just Kono. Being baby-sat by SOLDIERs is bad enough, I really didn't want my classmates to know about it.

Neither Kono nor Malakh were in the cafeteria while I was there the evening before, and Kono, I knew, didn't have a phone, so after Angeal left for a meeting, I decided to call Malakh. His room, I knew, was close to Kono's, and he wouldn't mind passing along a message. They might even be together, I thought, since they both hadn't come to dinner.

As it turned out, Malakh had paid a first-year to bring him something so he could stay in his room and cram for the upcoming test in Tactics - his one weak subject.

"Weren't you saying last week that first-years are useless?"

"Well, for anything but menial tasks," he said. "Hey Zack, did you get that stuff about the staged retreat of ShinRa forces during the Fort Condor Uprising?"

"Kinda." Hardly an uprising, now that I look back with the experience of being hurt by ShinRa myself. Essentially, ShinRa had tried to quarter an army squadron in the fort, the inhabitants had understandably objected, and they were declared insurgents and promptly trounced by the army and Turks. "Commander Hewley was there. He explained it better than Okani."

"Gah," Malakh groaned. "I don't suppose you took notes?"

"I did, and I'll make you a copy if you give Kono a message for me. I can meet him in the library at two-thirty tomorrow."

"Is the commander giving you extra reading? Say yes. I could use some cheering up."

"Yes. Will you tell him?"

"Sure, as soon as he gets back."

"Where is he?"

"Got dizzy after lunch. He almost collapsed during Unarmed Training, so Andrews had him taken to the med lab."

"Is he okay?" I asked, thinking I couldn't even visit him if he wasn't; the med lab adjoined the science labs.

"Oh, yeah. It was probably something he ate. I've been telling him you can't trust cafeteria fish to be fresh, but Kono says it reminds him of home. Gaia, if that's true I hope I never get posted to Wutai."

"Yeah, you can talk, with your weird tea fetish."

"Hey," Malakh laughed, "you knock tea, you knock Rocket Town. I grew up next door to this crazy pilot, and he made the best. I guarantee you don't have anything like it in Gongaga."

"Okay, okay. You'll tell him, when he gets back to the dorms?"

"Yeah, yeah, just make sure you get those notes to me before Wednesday!"

"I will."

"Seriously, Fair, or I'll be forced to cheat off you."

"And you're much too moral for that. Bye, Malakh."

I turned off the phone, and it rang even before I could put it in my pocket. I rolled my eyes and switched it on.

"Look, Malakh, I'll copy them over and give them to Kono for you tomorrow. Is that soon enough?" I laughed.

No one answered, only the faint sound of breathing.

"Malakh, quit it. You want to stalk the general, remember? Not me."

The respiration became a little more audible in response. It didn't sound like Malakh, and he would've started cracking up by now anyway, or said something rude and suggestive. I frowned. Only Kono and Malakh had this number, and Angeal of course. Maybe he gave it to someone? Maybe it was just a wrong number?

Whatever it was, it was making me very uneasy. The breathing had become panting, urgent and heated. It sounded aroused, even, and the obscenity and eeriness of the noise from an anonymous caller made me feel afraid in a way I hadn't since I learned that the closet monster doesn't exist. I had a bizarre urge to check the closets and under the beds, because it sounded so close, but it was only my fear that made it seem so, and the increasing volume of the breaths.

"Malakh?" I knew by now it wasn't him. "Who is this?"

The panting reached a peak of some sort, and a loud, exultant cry followed. It hit me at last what I was hearing (though the who remained a mystery) and I quickly turned off the phone, feeling sickened. If it was a prank of some sort, I found it anything but funny. I heard the door open, but must have not registered the sound, because when someone spoke my name I jumped and spun around like I was about to be attacked.

"Zack?" Angeal was observing me worriedly. "Are you unwell? You're shaking."

I was by the time he touched my cheeks and forehead to check for fever, though I don't think it was only because of the phone call. Remembering that sound of beathing as it approached climax made me think of the noises I made when Angeal...and Angeal was so close now, and so warm. I wanted to grab his hands before they could leave me, I wanted to say the hell with propriety and throw my arms around him.

He was frowning, he knew something wasn't right. "Zack, who was on the phone?"

"I don't know, sir," I said, able to be honest. "They didn't say anything. Probably a wrong number."

He looked at me for a few seconds more, then nudged me toward the kitchen. I walked calmly to the usual spot, though I wanted to run, to get to that bizarre feeling of safety and vulnerability and violation and intimacy all at once. I wanted to forget the phone call and tried to keep quiet as Angeal jerked me off, so I wouldn't be reminded, but it felt too good. He knew the exact hand position, movements and amount of pressure needed to make me come, not too quickly, but when he wanted me to, which seemed to be when I was on the verge of crying or collapsing.

The nighttime ritual always ended with the paper hastily cleared away and me laying on my stomach, drained and boneless, on the spotless tiles. Angeal would quickly wipe his hands off and then rub my back and shoulders until all my muscles were loose and my eyes were fighting to stay open. He would peel me off the floor, sometimes with a short laugh, and half-support, half-drag me to my room, where I'd usually drop off as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Angeal's hands didn't drift beneath my T-shirt this time, and when I whimpered softly he only continued massaging and said "Ssh", so gently that I had to let my eyes shut to discourage tears. It was frustrating to have the thin cloth separating his skin from mine, and I tensed but he went on, undeterred, until I had calmed and yielded to the sleepy state he was able to induce in me, wholly unlike the drowsiness Genesis caused.

Genesis. Could the caller have been...the thought flew away, chased by panic and need as Angeal started to lift me up. He got me as far as my knees, then made a grunt of surprise as I turned and threw myself against his chest, hiding my face in his shirt and gripping it with my trembling fingers. I clung, I didn't care, I wanted every moment I could get before he pried me off and looked embarrassed...but he didn't. For an awful instant, nothing, he didn't move. Then I felt those wonderful, thick arms encircle me and his hand slowly run over my hair.

Angeal didn't speak, not even to question my odd behavior. Maybe he felt me shaking again and knew it was restrained sobs this time, and didn't want to ask me for an explanation in such a state. Maybe he knew I didn't have one, at least not one I could make sense of myself, much less give to another person. I was grateful, because words might have shattered this moment, and no matter how long it lasted, it would still end too soon.

My body fit against his like one puzzle piece links to another, I realized, his much larger frame seemed to create a space that was my size exactly. I know, corny to the point of gagging, but I was a teenager. I had only known brief crushes before this. They were drops of water, this was the ocean.

Whatever Angeal might have been thinking of me or himself, by the way I held onto him and sighed as he smoothed my stubborn black spikes, he must have known this was what I needed. My thoughts were racing and fuzzy and all over the place, but I remember wondering if he was thinking me a child, confused and missing his parents and needing a figure of authority to hug and comfort him. As though to prove him wrong, I felt myself become hard, as I could only with him, against the rock-like muscles of Angeal's stomach.

He felt it too, he must have, along with the warm breath I gasped into his shoulder. I was afraid he would either pull away abruptly or put me back on the floor and pretend this was the same as every other time, just another lesson for the cadet he compared to a puppy and sometimes treated like one. Angeal did neither. I was young, maybe he thought the erection would go away on its own, though he didn't let go or even stop petting me. His cheek came to rest lightly on top of my head, and he made an "Mmm" sound into my hair, and I don't think I imagined the longing or satisfaction in it.

I tried to stay still, expecting to be taken care of by his hand, as usual, but it didn't come. I whimpered again, desperately this time, but the hands continued their too-chaste touching, refusing to break the pattern. Unable to help it, I pushed my hips forward a little, finding a tease of the contact I needed against Angeal's midsection. I moaned and slumped a little in his embrace, and the hand on my back made a rapid descent. I broke the pattern, I forced him to acknowledge this need, and there was one last instant of fear that he would let go of me.

It was better than I had hoped for or imagined. The deviating hand slipped past my waist to cradle my behind, cupping one cheek with a strange and searing tenderness. Without warning the hand pushed, thrusting me forward into Angeal's stomach, hardness meeting hardness with a force that made me cry out and burrow deeper into his hold. After that, I don't know if he was still guiding me with that hand or merely encouraging me...I do know that my vision clouded with a bright darkness, like the kind you see after looking into a camera flash, and I came so hard that I must have passed out. Angeal's hand hadn't been where I thought it had to be for me to come, but maybe it hadn't been so much about the hand as it had been Angeal himself, his presence, all of him. He held me as I collapsed against him, and I was gone.

I'm hard right now, and hot, and because I promised myself I'd tell all to this notebook, I can't lie and say there isn't a body close by that I want as much as I once desired Angeal. I won't do it, I'll finish this page and run to the bathroom nearby, but I'll be thinking of Cloud while I relieve this ache, Cloud who's catatonic and weak and even more vulnerable now. I loved his innocence even before I wanted to take it, back when I was the one protecting him from the kind of urges I'm feeling now. Gaia, I'm just like them, the ones who looked at him and didn't see strength or sweetness - only pale white and gold and sky blue, flawless skin over a small body, smooth and baby-soft to the touch.

I won't look at him, I won't look at him. I'll go to the bathroom and return quickly, because I can't leave him long. He's not safe alone.

He's just not much safer with me.

**To be continued.**


	6. Counting Bodies

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 6 - Counting Bodies**

 

I was kind of surprised to wake up on Sunday and find that the world hadn't changed. At breakfast Angeal behaved the same way he always did, even lectured me (again) about how I shouldn't drink coffee at my age, it might stunt my growth. He seemed surprised when I shrugged and accepted orange juice instead, so I stuck my tongue out at him. I, too, could pretend nothing happened.

Angeal had a meeting that morning with Lazard, SOLDIER's executive director. (As he explained it, Lazard dealt with ShinRa's president and department heads as much as possible so he and Sephiroth didn't have to.) While he was gone, I finished my weekend homework and copied over my Tactics notes for Malakh. I tried calling him to see how Kono was, but he didn't answer, which wasn't really surprising. A lot of cadets sleep late on Sundays. I would just have to hope Kono was okay and that he'd gotten my message.

When Angeal got back after lunch (Lt. Averman walked me there and back; no sign of Kono, though I heard that he'd been released by the med lab), I could tell by the sound of footsteps that he wasn't alone. I panicked for a second, but then he called me, and I figured he wouldn't do that if Genesis was with him.

It wasn't Genesis, thankfully, but another vaguely familiar face. The SOLDIER standing with Angeal was tall like him (the more SOLDIERs I met, the shorter I felt) with dark blond, messy hair and dark blue eyes that glistened with mako like deep ocean water. He laughed a little when I saluted and shook his head.

"No need, Cadet, we're all friends here. I hope we'll be, at least."

"Zack," Angeal said, "this is my new assistant, Lieutenant Moray, 1st Class."

"1st Class." Moray smiled. "That's still weird to hear. You'd think, after four months...oh, well. We haven't been introduced before, Cadet, but I've taken notice of your skill with the sword. I'm not surprised the mentor program snapped you up."

"Thank you, sir. You used to visit my Weapons Training class, didn't you, sir? You helped Cadet Highcliff with his shooting stance."

"Oh, you remember me?" Moray seemed pleased. "I like dropping in and helping out. Firearms are not favored SOLDIER weapons, as my own instructor once cautioned me, but maybe that'll change if enough cadets choose them. Your friend's coming along very well, you'll be pleased to know."

A talkative 1st Class! I couldn't help but grin. Angeal wasn't quite as thrilled; he seemed a little irked, in fact.

"Zack, I talked to Dr. Linzman from the medical lab. He said Cadet Yamura should be fine to return to his normal activities, though his training will be restricted for a while."

"Thank you, sir. Is Kono okay? What happened to him?"

"I don't know," Angeal said, frowning. "Patient confidentiality. If Kono wants you to know, he'll have to tell you himself. It's nearly two-thirty...do you still intend to meet him at the library?"

"Yes, sir."

Angeal looked at Lt. Moray, who nodded and stepped toward me. "I'll walk with you."

I shot Angeal an annoyed look, but he only stared back, obviously unwilling to budge. If this keeps up, I thought, the whole 1st Class will find out that Angeal doesn't trust me on my own, but there was nothing I could do. I folded the notes and maps and hid them in my Tactics textbook, and followed Moray to the door.

"Lieutenant Moray will return to walk you back here at four-thirty, Cadet," Angeal said from behind me. "Call my phone if you should need me before then."

I understood, and somehow kept from blushing. "Yes, sir." I probably wouldn't need to call; we always did the second time later than usual on Sundays, and I hadn't drunk much at lunch. I wondered if I could work up the nerve to use the '333' code at last. It wouldn't even be very dishonest, since I knew I'd get hard as soon as he touched me.

"Commander," Moray laughed, "are you trying to use your apprentice to get out of your next meeting? I'm scandalized."

He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me along to the door. "C'mon, Cadet, before I annoy him into firing me."

I glanced back at Angeal just before the door closed. He wasn't smiling.

__

zfzfz

Lt. Moray, as I suspected, was quite unlike the other 1st Classes I'd met. Aside from the cheerful attitude and frequent laughter, there was also the fact that he didn't seem to be in any hurry. Even if he was the kind of SOLDIER who could handle office work as well as battle, it puzzled me that he was unfazed to have cadet-sitting added to his list of duties. On the contrary, he suggested we go through the Lesser and Main Courtyards on our way to the Middle Building (which contained the library), even though a more direct path connected it with the White Building.

"It's such a beautiful day," he explained, and he had a point, so I followed, walking more slowly than usual to stay with him.

The Lesser and Main Courtyards occupy the center of the rectangular ShinRa Compound, with fields and woods at the south end, and fields and vehicle and machinery storage at the north end. Flanking the courtyards to the west are the shooting range, the Cadet Building, Quad A, the Middle Building, the 1st Class Quad, and the White Building. East of the courtyards winds the road that meets the north and south gates and security checkpoints. Beyond the road, there's Storage and Maintenance, the Security Center, the Guard Building, Quad B, the Old Building (where the labs and the 3rd Classes reside), the Executive Quad, and the Kurasai Building, named for the famous architect who designed it. That's where the president, vice-president and Turks have their offices and living quarters. It was rumored Sephiroth did too, though no one below 1st Class was told exactly where Sephiroth lived. To protect his privacy maybe, though I couldn't imagine even the bravest admirer just knocking on his door.

"Can I call you Zack, Cadet?"

"Of course, sir."

"Are you enjoying working with Commander Hewley?"

"Yes, sir, very much."

"I kind of envy you," Moray said, smiling. "Any SOLDIER would've given anything to be mentored by Angeal. And he's so quiet, you probably already know him more intimately than the 1st Classes."

I knew he meant 'intimately' in the sense of 'better', not 'sexually', but my cheeks grew warm. Luckily, this went unnoticed, or at least unmentioned.

"The commander is very encouraging," I mumbled.

"That's good to hear. Commander Lefler said he'd be too overwhelming for a cadet and put too much pressure on you, but I guess he was wrong. Do me a favor and don't repeat that, okay?"

"Yes, sir."

Moray reminded me a little of Lt. Averman, though with Averman I think it was just my natural ability to make people comfortable enough to talk. Lt. Moray seemed willing on his own to tell me things, to be friendly. I had worried now and then that I wouldn't fit in as a SOLDIER with my optimism and energy, but now I saw that these traits were not unknown even in 1st Class. I liked Moray for showing me this, and the way he smiled and waved cheerfully as we walked, to SOLDIERs and cadets both. Only one person didn't acknowledge him, a dark bald man wearing a black suit and sunglasses, and Moray made a "Pffft" noise at him. Yeah, this was definitely the kind of 1st Class I wanted to be.

"I hope you don't mind me walking with you, Zack. I think Angeal is hoping we'll be friends."

I wasn't so sure about that, but I said, "I don't mind, sir."

"Are you worried about your friend? I'm sure Angeal would have told you if there was cause for alarm." I nodded vaguely at this, and Lt. Moray looked at me curiously. "Are you and Cadet Yamura close?"

"No, not really. We haven't known each other long."

"So, you're just friends?"

I got the impression that he knew the answer already and was using the question to ask me about myself. It didn't bother me. It's not like the number of gay guys in ShinRa was (and probably still is) small. Malakh once remarked that there were more like us than there were straight guys in SOLDIER, and though I don't know about that, it had to be half and half at the very least.

"Yes, sir. I think Kono's got a girl at home in Wutai, and he's not my type anyway."

Lt. Moray smiled as we passed into the cooler, sunless air of the Middle Building. "It's believed by many that SOLDIERs should not date within the program. Distraction, tangled loyalties, priorities not what they should be and so on."

"You sound like you don't agree, sir."

"I think we fight better when we have something to fight for." He smiled fondly as we headed up a flight of stairs to the second floor. "I always liked this building. I miss it, a little."

"Miss it?"

"I used to live here, the 2nd Class quarters are up on the higher levels. I guess I'm still adjusting to my new place in the White Building. It's on the seventeenth floor, though, same as it was when I lived here, so at least it's easy to remember."

"Sir, can I ask a question?"

"Always, and no need to get permission first."

I couldn't believe my luck, though of course it depended on how much Moray knew and how much he'd tell. "Do you know what's on the floor above you, the eighteenth?"

"Hmm." He halted at the library entrance and looked up in thought. "I would guess more apartments. But I don't know of anyone who lives there, except Commander Rhapsodos."

"Genesis?" Of course. No wonder Angeal declared the eighteenth floor off-limits. "Do you know him well?"

"Other than Angeal and the general, I don't think anyone does. Is that your friend?"

Sure enough, Kono was waving from one of the more secluded study tables, standing to get my attention. I waved back, relieved to see him.

"I'll be back for you in two hours, then. Here," Moray said, handing me a slip of paper. "My phone number. If you need to leave early, or you ever need anything, call it any time."

I hope I didn't look as surprised as I felt. But maybe I did, because he quickly added, "You could also think of it as a back-up way to contact Angeal, should you ever need one. Since I keep track of his schedule, I'll always know where he is."

"Thank you, sir."

"See you in a little while, Cadet."

Kono spoke before I could, as soon as I was close enough. "You sure have a lot of friends in 1st Class, Zack."

"Commander Hewley's big on learning by example. What happened yesterday? Are you all right?"

"Oh, yeah," he said casually, though he didn't sit down on his chair so much as he slumped into it. "The worst part was having to be in the med lab. I hate places like that."

"Better than the science labs, at least."

"Not by much," Kono said. "Dr. Linzman wasn't sure, so he called Dr. Hollander in for his opinion."

That seemed strange. Though medically trained as well, Hollander and Hojo were biologists. That Linzman or Harding, the physicians, should need help diagnosing an ailment from either of them didn't make sense to me.

"So...?"

"Hollander took a blood sample...I barely remember, I was so groggy. He saw I was having trouble staying awake, so he gave me something to make me sleep. When I woke up, he told me I have a blood defficiency."

"Whoa. Is it serious?"

"It's controllable," Kono said with a shrug. "He gave me medication to manage it. It won't keep me from being a SOLDIER, but I'm on a restricted training schedule until it's begun to work. And I have to remember to take the pills, one per day."

"What if you forget? What happens?"

"I could get really sick," he admitted. "Or die. Don't worry. I have an excellent memory. How else would I remember all the gossip I hear?"

Kono spoke lightly, apparently confident that he'd be okay, so I smiled and let the subject go. "Have you heard anything else?"

"Actually, yes. I asked around a little, and Cadet Stern told me something interesting. If it had come from anyone else I probably wouldn't believe it, but I know Stern, and he's honest."

"What is it?"

"Stern said one of the maintenance staff told him that, the night Lieutenant Selwin was mysteriously transferred, he saw a body being carried out of the woods in the south of the grounds."

"Which woods? The southwest or the southeast?"

"Southeast, I think, the larger. The maintenance building is just to the north of there."

My heart hurt. What was going on here? Bodies found around Angeal's building and in Angeal's woods. He had to know something. But why, then, wasn't he doing anything to stop it? I couldn't reconcile that indifference to the man who planted flowers in a place made for fighting, and insisted on creating life to balance the death he had to inflict. "Does anyone else know this path?" I'd asked him, and he'd said "Yes", no more. Had Lieutenant Selwin, if it had been Lieutenant Selwin, been killed in the clearing?

"Zack?"

"Did you bring the Midgar Herald articles?"

"Yeah, right here. They aren't gonna be much help, though. Only four deaths made the paper. The names are given, but not the location of the bodies, except for one. Here, I've made a list to simplify things." 

Kono opened his notebook and tapped an almost blank page. This is what he had written.

**Shuichi Aturo ---- February 3 of last year ---- ??? ---cleaning staff  
Albert Nichols ---- April 25 of last year ---- west side of road at Compound's north entrance ---- delivery van driver  
Stone Addison ---- October 11 of last year ---- ??? ----cleaning staff  
Junsei Itekai ---- November 18 of last year ---- ??? ---- security guard**

"You know, there haven't been any deaths at all this year," Kono said hopefully. "Maybe whatever or whoever did it is gone."

"We can't assume that until we know who or what it was."

"Well, we don't have much to go on."

"Hey, this is good. We can work with this." I took out one of my maps and wrote 'Nichols' at the north entrance, to the left of the road. "We just need to think. What did these people have in common?"

"Aturo and Itekai were Wutaian," Kono said. "They may have known each other."

"And Aturo and Addison were both members of the cleaning staff, so it's reasonable to assume they'd probably met. But that leaves Nichols out."

"If it isn't random, if there is some sort of link or pattern," Kono said, "I doubt we'll be able to see it without at least all the names."

We talked for a long time about how we could possibly acquire more information. Rumor, we agreed, probably couldn't be trusted, and the cadets who could be seemed to know no more than we did. I suggest questioning the Compound's staff, particularly the maintenance workers and cleaning people, but Kono said Cadet Stern had tried that, and everyone had clammed up, either under orders from above or out of fear it could happen to them.

I half-jokingly suggested we hack into the ShinRa computer database and look for reports there, and had to spend fifteen minutes reassuring a panicked Kono that I wouldn't actually do that. I laughed and said we should hire a Turk to spy and snoop for us, and there was another fifteen minutes of Kono being his annoyingly moral self, going on and on about the awful things he had heard about the Turks. Mostly it was stuff I'd heard before - rumors of kidnapping, assassination, blackmail, theft. I'm sure some of it was true, maybe even a lot of it, but you have to remember that SOLDIERs and Turks always distrusted and scorned one another. When you don't like someone to begin with, it's too easy to believe unpleasant things about them.

"...and I heard Commander Tseng is the worst of them, that he has a boy no older than us living with him."

That caught my attention, maybe because it hit so close to home. "What? What do you mean?"

Kono had looked scandalized; now he seemed embarrassed, regretting having said anything. "You know."

"Maybe it's another Turk, one he's training."

"Tseng is head of the Turks, he wouldn't train a new one personally. Besides, why should he have a Turk living with him?" Kono shook his head. "You should stay away from Turks. Their only loyalty is to the president, and I wouldn't even trust that."

"Only because the president himself can't be trusted."

Kono looked appropriately shocked, but then he smiled. Kono made me swear on the name of Da Chao that I wouldn't get him involved with any Turks, and I did, though I had no idea at the time what Da Chao was. Now that I do know, I'm glad I kept my promise, even though I've never been a religious guy.

Kono then had the idea of doing some research on the information we did have. He grabbed every book he could find on different cultures and faiths to see if any of them ascribed a special significance to the dates on which the deaths occurred. I tried looking in the medical books for a fatal condition or method of death that left no trauma on the body and no change but pallor. Not surprisingly, neither of us came up with anything. After we put the books back on their shelves, we sat at the small table and stared dejectedly at the list of names. It seemed impossible to get anywhere with so little.

"Maybe it would be worth asking Commander Hewley. I mean, you wouldn't be accusing him of anything," Kono said, "just requesting information."

"He won't tell me anything. And if he found out I'm trying to solve this mystery, he'd order me to stop. I know he would."

"Do you really? Maybe he's tired of ShinRa forcing him to keep quiet. He must want the person responsible caught."

"I don't think it's ShinRa he's covering for," I said quietly, hoping Kono would take the hint in my voice and drop it.

"What do you think, Zack?"

"That we shouldn't let the commander know what we're doing."

"Hah, good plan, Fair. What can't you let the commander know, that you're cheating on him with Yamura here?"

I knew that voice and had never liked it; now I found myself hating it and its owner, a rare emotion for me. Cadet Briggs was standing opposite us on the other side of the table, smirking, with Saeni behind him, as always. The same cadets, you might remember, who had been betting I wouldn't survive the first day of my apprenticeship.

"Ooh, I struck a nerve, didn't I?" Briggs laughed. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

"Don't talk about Commander Hewley like that."

"Pretty defensive, Fair. He must fuck you really good."

I jumped up; Kono stood and grabbed my arm, holding tight though it must have been hard for him. "Calm down, Zack," he said quietly, then raised his voice to address Briggs. "You're sick. If an officer heard you say that - "

"Hey, we're all friends here, right?" Briggs said, as Saeni snickered behind him. "I just thought Fair should be warned. If the commander hasn't done it yet, he will. Why else would a man like him waste time on a cadet? Especially an annoying one like you."

"Do. Not. Talk. About. The commander." My fingers hurt from gripping the table-top so tightly. I wanted to wrap them around Briggs's neck and vent this rage until his eyes popped out.

"I'm just saying, Fair. You might want to keep yourself lubed up. You never know when you might be asked to assume a new position."

I slipped out of Kono's grip easily and vaulted over the table. Briggs moved back in surprise, but I was faster and running on anger-fueled adrenaline. He's lucky I only got to sock him in the stomach before a 1st Class whose name I didn't know was in between us, holding us apart like a referee. A library is a stupid place to fight, it's so quiet that any noise sticks out. 1st Classes have enhanced senses anyway, and the library was common to every branch and level of ShinRa.

"Both of you settle down. Now."

An order in that tone of voice, from a man strong enough to snap you like a twig, is not something that you argue or delay in obeying. I immediately went still and looked appropriately ashamed of myself, and Briggs did the same, though he glared at me first, gasping as he got his breath back.

"Names."

"Cadet Lewis Briggs, second-year, sir."

"Cadet Zack Fair, second-year, sir."

The 1st Class let go of our wrists and pushed us each a step back. He looked at me critically. "Fair? Commander Hewley's apprentice? I would have expected better from you."

Now I genuinely felt awful. There was no way Angeal wouldn't hear about this, and the thought of disappointing him hurt more than anything Briggs had said.

"How did this start?"

Neither of us said anything. The 1st Class shook his head and gestured to Kono to come closer, which he did, looking nervous.

"You. Name."

"Cadet Kono Yamura, second-year, sir."

"Talk. That's an order."

Even cadets who don't like each other, unless they're complete dicks, hate having to tattle to superiors. One thing SOLDIER teaches you is loyalty to your unit. But it's not as if Kono had a choice.

"Sir, Cadet Briggs provoked Cadet Fair with his comments. Cadet Fair told him to stop, but..."

"Comments about what?"

Kono looked absolutely tortured. He was such a nice guy, he didn't want to get anyone in trouble. "C-Commander Hewley, sir."

The 1st Class turned to me. "Is this true, Fair?"

Oh, Gaia, I thought, if he finds out what Briggs said, and if it gets back to Angeal...

"Sir," I heard myself say, "this was my fault. I should not have reacted to Briggs's taunting. I take full responsibility, sir."

Briggs looked at me with disbelief. The 1st Class had a simiar look on his face, but more thoughtful, like he was trying to figure out what the hell I was doing. To be honest, even I didn't know. I had no idea how severe the punishment I was asking for might be or whether or not it would go on my thus-far spotless record.

"You," he said to Briggs, "ten laps around the northeast fields. Consider this a warning. Slandering of a superior officer is not tolerated in SOLDIER."

"Yes, sir."

Briggs made a hasty retreat, with Saeni at his heels. I quaked in my boots a little as the 1st Class turned back to me, but I looked at him with all the humility and composure I could manage. Strangely, he shook his head and sighed, looking annoyed but reluctant.

"Fair, am I to understand that you would rather accept whatever punishment I give than repeat what was said about Commander Hewley?"

"Yes, sir." This was insubordination, I was pretty sure, but he didn't seem angry, more like torn.

"Damn it. If it was up to me, I would let you off for that, just this once. But your mentor is in charge of disciplining you, so he's got to be told." He must have seen the look on my face, because he added, "Believe me, I don't look forward to reporting this to the commander."

"Maybe I can help you there."

The three of us turned to the sound of that voice, and I was half-hopeful, half-nervous to see Lt. Moray approaching.

"What happened, Halloran? Did Fair do something?"

"I caught him fighting with another cadet. I took care of that one, but Commander Hewley's got to be notified so he can deal with Fair."

"I can handle that, if you don't mind. I'm seeing the commander later anyway."

"That's right, you're his assistant now." The 1st Class looked relieved. "Thanks. Fair, I better not catch you using your fists outside of training again."

"Yes, sir."

"As you were, then."

Moray smiled at me as Halloran walked away. "Ready, Cadet?"

"Yes, sir. See you later, Kono."

My stomach felt like a rope being tied into complicated knots as I followed Moray. He was walking very slowly again, maybe waiting for me to talk. After a minute, he spoke up.

"So what happened?"

I told him essentially what Kono had told Lt. Halloran, with little additional detail, not saying specifically what Briggs had said to provoke me. Lt. Moray nodded as we went through the courtyards, taking the long way as we had on the way to the library.

"Briggs must have said something pretty bad, if you were willing to take full blame rather than repeat it. That was very honorable of you, Cadet."

"I didn't want the commander to hear it," I mumbled.

"Well, whatever it was, I'm sure he'd be more concerned that you were involved in a fight. He was hoping this wouldn't hapen."

"Sir?"

Moray halted and so did I; he looked guilty, like he had been cornered into revealing more than he wanted to. "Cadet, I know Angeal isn't having me accompany you because he wants us to be friends. I know he doesn't let you go anywhere alone, and he told me why."

I stared at him, my heart pounding. Angeal had told Moray the truth about what had made him worry for me, and Moray was about to tell me? It seemed too good to be true, and of course it was.

"The commander might not like me telling you this, but he knew you'd have to deal with jealousy from the other cadets. He knows you don't like to fight and altercations like you had with Briggs wouldn't be your fault, but if they happened, and he didn't discipline you, you'd only be subject to more harassment by those who did get punished. Angeal doesn't want you set apart from your age group any more than you are, and if they found out he was being lenient..." Moray sighed and ran a hand over his hair. "So he was hoping to avoid the harassment all together by having someone with you as much as possible. You know what I mean?"

"Yes, sir."

It seemed logical, but I knew that wasn't the whole reason for Angeal's rule, if it was a reason at all. Angeal must have given Moray this explanation as a clever excuse for why I was not to go anywhere unaccompanied. 

We began to walk again. Moray was frowning pensively, not greeting or waving to anyone this time. In spite of what he had said, I wondered if he was disappointed in me. That made me sad, though it was nothing compared to the thought of letting Angeal down.

When we reached the apartment door, Lt. Moray stopped and grabbed my hand as I reached out to insert the key card. "Cadet..."

"I thought you were gonna call me Zack, sir."

He smiled sadly, maybe pitying me for the anxiety I was trying to hide. "Please tell Angeal I'll have the papers he needs ready by tonight, and that I'll see him at the meeting."

"You're not coming in?"

"No, I don't think I need to."

"But...don't you have to tell the commander what I - "

"Briggs and Halloran will assume you've been properly reprimanded," he said softly. "That's all that matters, right?"

I gaped at him. "You mean...you're not..."

"Just try to stay out of trouble, okay? I think it would hurt Angeal to have to punish you. And...it would hurt me to see it."

Moray still hadn't let go of me. He closed his hand around mine and gently stroked it with his fingers, looking at me with a pained and probing expression. I felt his other hand on my cheek for a moment, then he snatched it away, looking embarassed.

"See you soon, Cadet," he murmured, and disappeared around the corner in the direction of the elevator.

I stared after him, open-mouthed. Only moments before, my greatest worry was having to face Angeal and explain why I had broken a rule and disgraced the honor of being chosen as his apprentice. Now that fear was resolved, for the moment at least, and I had a new problem. I couldn't guess what Angeal was thinking, Genesis's motives completely baffled me...but Moray I understood. I knew the look he had given me, one of hope and longing, and not completely devoid of simple lust.

Gaia, I remember thinking, what is with these 1st Classes? It's got to be the mako.

**To be continued!**


	7. Go To Sleep

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 7 - Go To Sleep**

 

I was understandably tense during mine and Angeal's kitchen session that afternoon, and a little paranoid about how much Angeal knew and what he might eventually find out. I knew it might have been wishful thinking, but I couldn't help the feeling that he wouldn't be happy about Moray liking me. It was all so uncomfortable. I couldn't talk to Angeal about this without sounding as confused as I was, and I wasn't sure how to let Moray down without hurting or embarassing him.

There was about an hour left before Kono would stop by to walk with me to dinner, so Angeal suggested we fill the time with a sense-developing exercise. That was one of those things where he would blindfold me and make me guess where he was by listening and paying attention to the movement of the air around me. I had been doing okay with these, but today my racing thoughts and worries wouldn't let me focus. I think Angeal realized this quickly, but I kept insisting I could do it, and he kept letting me try.

Finally, though, after I began growling at myself and smacking my head with the heel of my hand, I heard a disapproving noise and felt fingers pulling the blindfold off. Angeal looked down at me with a patient frown.

"Zack, you seem agitated."

"I'm sorry, sir. I should be doing this better."

"SOLDIERs are not typically taught such reliance on their senses until 3rd Class, when the mako treatment begins. I don't expect you to be able to match them. I only want you to get in the habit of using your senses. You are not disappointing me, Zack," he said, and I might have winced. If only he knew, I thought.

"Thank you, sir."

"What is preoccupying your mind?"

"You know me, sir," I said as lightly as I could, "no concentration."

Angeal smiled wryly and nodded. "Such a puppy."

I know I probably should have hated and protested such a demeaning nickname, or at least disliked the association of it with the kitchen ritual, but it actually made me feel warm to hear it. Angeal said it so fondly, even when he was exasperated and rolling his eyes and gently scolding me to settle down. I had never seen him genuinely angry - not more than he had been the night I had met Genesis, at least - but that patronizing nickname seemed to be the one word he couldn't even say with annoyance.

"Are you still concerned for Cadet Yamura?"

Ooh, that could work as an excuse. "Kind of, sir. He says he has some kind of blood defficiency. The doctors gave him medicine for it, and as long as he takes it, he'll be okay. I guess it just surprised me."

Angeal stared at me for a moment, startled, then shook his head. "Kono is Wutaian, correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"Such disorders are not uncommon in Wutai. My mother is half-Wutaian, and she suffered a similar ailment in her youth. It was not serious, and over time has disappeared completely. The same may happen for Kono, and even if not, Dr. Linzman is an excellent physician."

He was trying to make me feel better, and I appreciated that, so I didn't bother correcting him and saying that Hollander had actually made the diagnosis. Besides, Angeal didn't seem to like talking about Hollander, and I didn't blame him. I wouldn't be fond of anyone who poked and prodded and stuck me with needles either.

"Thank you, sir."

He ruffled my hair, and smiled when I pouted and tried to smooth the spikes to lay the way they had before. My hair has always naturally grown like that, despite what some people have thought. I only continued having it cut the same length to maintain the style, mostly because it was so low-maintenance. But I had grown to like it, and whenever I got comments on my hair they were almost always positive. Angeal seemed to like it too, he was forever touching it.

"Sit down a minute, Zack."

I took a seat on the same couch, in the same spot, where I had sat the first day of my apprenticeship, while Angeal had explained his many and strange rules. He settled down beside me, and I turned to face him.

"What do you think of Lieutenant Moray?"

What I felt was panic, but it must have looked like confusion to Angeal, because he said, "I don't expect a detailed character profile. I just want to know your impressions of him."

"He's...nice, sir. He seems friendly to everyone. He seems happy to be working for you."

"I chose Moray for my assistant because he has a reputation for loyalty and trustworthiness," Angeal said. "I know you haven't known him long, but from what you do know, would you agree he has these qualities?"

"Yes, sir." Oh, Gaia, I thought, how much does he know? Is he waiting for me to confess?

"Do you feel safe with me, Zack?"

That question seemed to come out of nowhere, but at least it was one I could answer without hesitation. "Yes, sir."

"You have done well in following my rules, including the ones I do not give reasons for. Do you think you could follow these rules for Lieutenant Moray as well?"

I felt something snap in my heart. Only in that moment did I realize that losing Angeal was my greatest fear and worst nightmare, and it seemed to be coming true. Somehow just being liked by Moray constituted enough of a betrayal for Angeal to decide to give up on me and hand me off, or he knew I had let Moray conceal my breaking the rule about no fighting outside of training, and...

"Zack?" He looked and sounded alarmed, and was watching me with concern.

"Sir...are you...getting rid of me?"

Angeal's eyes went wide. "What? No, no, of course I'm not. Is that what you...Zack, I apologize. I should not have phrased my question that way."

"It's okay, sir," I said, breathing again, wondering why my eyes stung and everything was blurry but hardly caring, I was so relieved.

"I did not undertake this mentorship lightly, Zack. Should you break a rule I will discipline you accordingly. If you consistently fail to meet my expectations I will employ new methods of instructing, though I know you will not disappoint me. I cannot think of anything you might do that would cause me to give you to someone else."

Gaia, I wanted so badly to crawl into his lap and put my head against his heartbeat, and see if he would hold me again. I felt a sudden, ecstatic hope when he reached for me, but he only gently passed his fingertips over the skin beneath my eyes. I hadn't realized a few tears escaped, but I couldn't even feel embarassed about them when he was so close, watching me with that sad but fond smile.

"Sorry, sir," I mumbled, mentally scolding myself about the crying anyway.

One of his hands went to my hair, and I felt his fingers combing through it. His other hand was on my arm, and he must have caught the way my muscles relaxed beneath his touch.

"All right now?"

"Yes, sir."

I didn't want to say that, I didn't want him to stop touching me, but if it kept up I would have to ditch Kono on the way to the cafeteria and use the '333' code. Angeal slowly withdrew his hands and cleared his throat.

"I was asking you about Lieutenant Moray because I have to go on a mission in a few days."

"Ooh, can I go with you?" I pleaded, brightening instantly.

"Not this time. I will only be gone for about a day, but this time away coincides with the beginning of mako tests."

"Oh, right. I forgot they were coming up."

"I hope to be back before your turn, but I probably won't be. If I am not, Lieutenant Moray will be monitoring your symptoms in my absence. He will also be walking you everywhere you need to go. Can I trust you to be here alone at night, can I trust you to lock the door properly?"

"Yes, sir," I said, sounding and feeling a little insulted.

"I knew I could."

"Sir, is this mission dangerous?"

"Probably not," Angeal said, "as it's mostly intelligence-gathering, but I cannot know for certain."

"Why doesn't ShinRa just send Turks, then?"

"We will have Turks with us. But my presence will facilitate our contact with the locals. The mission is to the village I'm from."

"Banora?" He nodded. "That's good, I guess. You'll get to see your mother, right?"

"Not more than I wish to, fortunately," Angeal said with an amused smile. "She has always behaved in a motherly fashion toward Sephiroth as well and he tends to avoid encountering her when he can."

"Sephiroth is going with you?" I said anxiously.

"I will try to bring you on another mission with him in the future. A more exciting one, perhaps, when you're ready for combat situations."

"That isn't what I..." I dropped my eyes away from his calm gaze. "If ShinRa is sending both you and Sephiroth, this mission has got to be dangerous. Right?"

"Not necessarily. Sephiroth's presence has uses other than his fighting skill. He's good at intimidating information out of those who are reticent to disclose it."

"Oh. Yeah. I guess he would be."

"Zack? Are you worried I might not come back?"

Gaia, I thought, don't say that, don't make me think of it. I felt suddenly nauseous.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"I believe the danger to be minimal. I would not lie to you about this."

I'm lying to you, I thought. I think I love you and I shouldn't, and I'm lying to you. My eyes stung again, and I scolded myself so harshly for this that I only made myself feel worse. What was wrong with me? I almost never cried before, and yet I felt like I was about to fall apart.

"Zack?" His hand cupped my cheek and I couldn't hold in the sob I felt coming. "Zack, what is wrong?"

"I don't know," I gasped quietly. "I'm sorry, sir."

His fingers went into my hair again, and this time I got my wish - Angeal drew me closer and brought my head to his shoulder, and the grip I clung to his arms with would have hurt a smaller and slighter man. I burrowed my head down farther, trying to get my ear against his heartbeat, wanting that assurance that he was really alive and close to me and would be again. It was strange. I wasn't hard, I wasn't even aroused, I just wanted him to hold me, and he did, resting his chin lightly on my head.

"Zack, you're keeping something hidden from me, aren't you?" he said softly. "Or are you just worried about me?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered into his shirt. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

"Ssh," he said. His voice sounded strained, and he sighed, squeezing his arm tighter around my shoulders. "I didn't intend this, I didn't mean to do this to you. How can I undo it now?"

I didn't know what he was talking about, but I didn't like the sound of it. I clung to him even more; now I might've actually been hurting him.

"I won't give you up, Zack," he reassured me. "But do you truly not want me to, with all I am putting you through?"

"You're not, don't, please..."

"I only wanted to protect you," he said, so quietly I could barely hear.

The intercom next to the door (connected to the keycard lock) buzzed. The security station in the lobby was calling to request access to our floor for a visitor. Kono, no doubt, coming to get me for dinner. Angeal gently lifted me away from himself and brushed my hair out of my eyes.

"Go on, Zack. I'll come and get you myself before I go to the meeting."

"Yes, sir."

I felt so cold away from him. I was in perfect health, I thought, but I shivered as I went to the intercom like I was coming down with something. I wondered if I would ever be okay away from Angeal again, if the chills radiating out from my heart had any cure but the one I couldn't sanely hope for from him.

__

zfzfz

Kono noticed my shivering right away, and prodded in his well-meaning way. We were almost to the cafeteria when he got me to admit I wasn't feeling well and that the last thing I wanted to do was eat. I would've felt stupid, even in my current state, asking Kono to walk me back to the apartment, but he offered to on his own. Insisted, actually. Good thing he didn't mind elevators, or I would have felt really bad.

"You should rest, Zack. You don't look well at all," he said, patting my shoulder as he left me at the door and headed back.

Angeal wasn't there, and I wasn't surprised, figuring he must have gone to dinner with the other 1st Classes. Would he be upset or worried to not find me in the cafeteria? Kono will tell him, I thought vaguely. My mind felt cloudy, and the chills had subsided into a rising heat. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and chugged it, willing it to flush this feverish feeling out of my system.

I shuffled into my room and dropped like a sack onto my bed. The sheets and blanket felt cool, but not cool enough. I changed into shorts and a T-shirt, my usual sleeping attire, and that was better. Since I was up anyway I brushed my teeth, figuring I could drop off at any time. Oh, no you don't, I thought at my slightly-flushed reflection, you're not gonna miss what you look forward to most, Angeal and his hands...

I went back into the bedroom, but before I reached the bed I heard the main door open. Angeal, home already? That seemed odd. I moved to the door to go see him, but the sound of a loud voice halted me in my tracks. Angeal wasn't yelling, but I'd never heard him sound so angry.

"Were you intending to deceive me on other occasions too, or did you not think I need to know about so small a matter as my apprentice attacking another cadet?"

Oh, Gaia. My stomach and heart sank together. He knew. Lt. Moray's voice was the one that answered, as I'd thought it would be.

"Sir, it wasn't Cadet Fair's fault, he was provoked - "

"That is immaterial! It is my responsibility to judge his degree of culpability and act accordingly, not yours! Setting aside the embarassment you've caused me, making me hear this first from Lieutenant Halloran, you are doing Zack a disservice as well. I cannot give his peers cause to believe that he is allowed to break rules without suffering the consequences!"

"They don't know he wasn't punished," Moray protested, though somewhat timidly.

"And what about the next time? What if the next brawl is more public, more noticed?"

"But Fair isn't like that, it wasn't his fault - "

"I know it was not his fault," Angeal growled. "I also see now why he has been a nervous wreck since he got back from the library. By agreeing to inform me of his offense and not doing so, you tied his hands as well. He could not confess to me without also revealing your lie of omission. No wonder he was so upset."

"I'm sorry, sir," Moray said after a short pause. "I didn't realize...I thought I was doing him a favor."

"If you cannot follow my rules and do as I ask, I need to know this now, before I leave for Banora. I will not tolerate mistakes or deviations such as these where Zack is concerned."

"Sir, you're worried about something more than Fair's relationship with other cadets, aren't you?" Silence - I could almost hear Angeal glaring. "Sir, I apologize. I assure you, this will not happen again. Please give me another chance. You can trust me with Cadet Fair, I would do anything to - "

"To what?" Angeal's voice had gone icy; maybe that's why Moray slightly stammered in his response.

"T-to help him, to see him reach his full potential. He'll be a great SOLDIER, I think."

"Yes, he will," Angeal said, in a slightly warmer tone. "I will give you one more chance. Any further infractions - "

" - and I will happily accept demotion or any other consequence you choose. Thank you, sir."

"Tell Keiga I won't be attending the meeting tonight. Sephiroth can brief me tomorrow."

"Yes, sir."

"One moment. Did Zack say why he was fighting?"

"Only that Cadet Briggs said something about you. I don't know what it was, but it must've upset him if Fair was willing to take sole punishment to avoid repeating it."

"Yes," Angeal said pensively. "He must learn to not react to such provocation."

"It's kind of sweet, isn't it, sir? That he was defending you?"

"It is my job to protect him, not the other way around. See Director Lazard as soon as possible, Lieutenant, and make sure the updated Banora file is on my desk by ten hundred."

"Yes, sir."

"Dismissed."

I felt frozen (in spite of the lingering warmth in my head and limbs) as the door opened and closed. Angeal would realize sooner or later I had overheard - best to get it over with. He looked at me with confusion as I came into the living room.

"Zack, what are you doing back so early? Are you all right?"

"Yes, sir. I wasn't hungry, so Kono walked me back. I'm sorry, I didn't mean - "

He waved his hand dismissively. "It's fine. You've been apologizing far too much today, Cadet."

"Maybe you just have that effect on me, like the way being around me makes you talk more," I said with a grin.

Angeal rolled his eyes; the sight made me laugh. "I must speak in order to answer all your questions. You, on the other hand, do not need to apologize for overhearing my discussion with Lieutenant Moray. I'm sure it was unintentional on your part, and I said nothing that I would not say in your presence."

"But I should have told you about the fight."

"I understand why you did not. You were trying to behave honorably, as you always do, and hurting yourself by it, as I fear you always will." The apartment was dim, and Angeal's face black with shadow as he came closer to me. "Is this what you were upset about earlier?"

This is the only reason I can admit to you, I thought, and nodded.

"It is part of the nature of this relationship that you answer to me above all others. Should you ever receive an order, direct or implied, that you think I would disagree with, please, talk to me about it."

"Yes, sir," I said, annoyed at myself for the flutter in my abdomen when he said 'relationship'.

Angeal put his hand under my chin and tilted my head up. "You feel warm. Your cheeks are flushed."

He was so near, his body practically touching mine. "I'm okay, sir."

"Straight to bed, I think, afterwards."

Yes! I had a tough time not bouncing with glee as he brought me into the kitchen. I got into position as calmly as I could, eager as he lifted me out of my shorts...and then he did something I hadn't anticipated. He put one of my hands around my dick in his place and withdrew his own. My first thought was something childish, like - Hey! No fair!

"Sir?"

"I will soon be away from you for a day," Angeal said lowly. "I need to be sure you can do this on your own, as I am ordering you to while I'm gone."

Somehow, doing this with him watching was even weirder than having him do this to me. I got through the peeing okay. It had been, what, a couple months since I last had to do the rest for myself, and yet it felt almost like a new and foreign thing. I didn't know the best way to hold it, or how to draw it out just long enough to make it as good as I was used to, or how to make it peak at the right moment. Angeal knew these things, they seemed effortless for him, and there I was, feeling as clueless as I had at age twelve.

I started stroking, awkwardly. I stiffened a little, like that part of me was reacting automatically, then seeing I was not Angeal and giving up. I was sixteen, not getting erect should have been a challenge for me, and my face grew hotter as I worried what Angeal might be thinking. Sometimes I could just sense when he was bothered by something, and I sensed it now. Clearly it was important to him that I be able to do this.

"Zack," he said softly, seeming reluctant to speak as he always was at such times, "remember the movements of my hand and copy them."

I tried, but my hand wasn't his. My body had learned to respond to him only. I whimpered softly, and I felt him shift suddenly behind me, like he'd moved to reach for me and stopped himself.

"Close your eyes, Zack." I thought his voice sounded faintly pained as I obeyed. "This is like every other time. This is my hand on you."

Something was starting to happen. I gasped, and he paused to listen.

"Do you feel me on you, taking you where you need to be? Where I want you to be? I want to hear you. Let me hear you, Puppy."

Demeaning nickname or no, it kindled that white fire in my stomach that Angeal was good at stoking. Fully erect now, I concentrated on the familiar movements of the hand pumping me, not thinking of it as my own. He knew that was necessary, that I had to believe it was his.

"My hand, Zack, because I'll let no one else touch you here." He sounded choked up, I realized vaguely, or tense, like his own words were wounding him. "This is mine. You're mine."

The ball of fire flamed into a roaring inferno and rushed out of me, with a strangled cry I barely recognized as my own. I couldn't catch myself, but I need not have worried - Angeal had me around the middle before I could fall. I shivered and shuddered for a short eternity with my hands and feet brushing the floor below, then Angeal set me down and raked his fingers through my hair.

"What am I doing to you?" I heard him murmur.

I shook my head, trying to tell him it was nothing bad, nothing I didn't want. I felt even hotter than before, and couldn't form any clear thoughts but how nice the cool tiles felt beneath me. Angeal made to pull me up, and laughed gruffly when I squirmed away.

"You are not a real puppy, Zack, I'm not letting you sleep on the floor." His hand felt my cheek, then touched my forehead, and Angeal's voice abruptly went serious and tense. "Zack? Gaia, you're burning up."

"It's cool here," I protested, trying to dig my fingers into the kitchen floor to hold on to it.

"Stay awake, Zack. I'm calling Dr. Hollander."

"You don't like him."

"Ssh." I was happy to stay quiet as he forcefully turned me over and pulled me to rest in the crook of his arm, with my head against his chest. I heard him turn his phone on and press two buttons. "Doctor, I need you in my apartment, now. Zack has a high fever and it seems to be rising. What should I - all right. That's all? Fine, please hurry."

As he hung up I drowsily, happily mumbled "I can hear your heartbeat."

"Stay awake and keep listening. That's an order."

"You give funny orders..." I know I sounded like a moron, but remember, I was out of it. I'm surprised I even remember any of this.

Angeal held me in one arm as he stood up, like my weight was nothing to him, and I felt us moving. I wished we were still again so he would stop jostling me and let me listen to his heart in peace, but I could still hear it. It seemed louder and faster than before, and I whispered "Ssh" to it, but it didn't listen.

I made a noise of protest as Angeal tried to lay me flat on the bed and clung to him, so with an exasperated sigh he sat down and kept my upper body against his. I squirmed and fisted his shirt in protest as something cold and wet wiped at my face and wrists, but he was much stronger and able to shift me enough to reach every part of me he wanted to. The water felt good on my skin, but it made me shiver, and I didn't like that. I tried to snuggle deeper into Angeal's warmth, and was relieved as he pulled a blanket around me.

"I like it here..." I murmured contentedly.

"Then you'd better stay awake. If you go to sleep before I say you can, I'll put you down and never hold you like this again."

"I'll stay awake," I said quickly. "It's too loud, anyway."

"What is? Does your head hurt?"

I almost said yes, just to keep his hand stroking my hair and away from that cold washcloth. "Uh-uh," I said, clumsily poking his chest. "That. It's loud."

"It will be quiet again once I know you're all right."

"I'm okay, sir. Aren't I?"

"Yes, I'm sure you are, but it won't hurt to get another opinion. How do you feel?"

"It's hard to move. I'm tired. But I won't go to sleep."

"You can sleep soon," Angeal said, "just not quite yet. Anything else?"

"I'm hot, but cold. That's funny."

"Side-splitting."

"You're not laughing."

"No, Zack, I'm not."

I heard someone come into the room, and Angeal and someone else begin to talk quietly to one another. I caught the words "fever" and "disoriented", but I think I started to drop off, because suddenly Angeal was shaking me.

"Hey!" I whined. "I wasn't asleep."

"Cadet," said a familiar voice, "open up for a moment, I'm going to put a thermometer into your mouth."

Something cool and thin was slipped under my tongue. I stayed quiet while it was there, knowing Angeal would want me to. I vaguely thought he might nudge me away while Hollander was present, but if anything he seemed to be holding me more securely.

"Angeal, perhaps it's none of my business - "

"Then you should not speak of it, whatever it is."

"I only want to express my concern that - "

"Consider it expressed, Doctor, thank you."

"Hah," Hollander said wistfully. "You are so much the same as you were when you were a boy."

I heard a beeping sound from somewhere within my head, and the thermometer was withdrawn. "One-oh-three-point-three," Hollander read. "A cause for concern, but not alarm."

"What can you do?"

"It's most likely either an infection or a virus. I can't do much for a virus, that will go away on its own. For infection, I brought an antibiotic solution."

"I want his blood tested."

"What do you expect me to find?"

"Nothing, I merely expect you to look."

"Very well."

My arm was pulled straight out and firmly held. There was pressure first, then a sharp prick, and I made what was, I'm sure, a fairly pathetic noise. I let out a shallow breath as the needle withdrew.

"If it is not an infection, will the antibiotic do him any harm?"

"No. I keep it chilled, actually, so it should bring the fever down a little either way."

Another needle entered, lingering longer than the other. I felt cold suddenly, even with the blanket, as it was removed, and shivered. The heat was mostly in my head, which was kind of good because my head didn't need the blanket and was free to rest against Angeal. There was something vaguely familiar about feeling this heat and this difficulty thinking clearly, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Angeal was wetting my face and wrists again, and I didn't have the energy to move or do much at all except speak.

"Why do you worry so much..."

"That's a good question, Angeal."

I could hear Angeal glaring again, and told him so. Someone laughed softly - it must have been Hollander - and the thermometer was slipped without warning back under my tongue.

"I think you may have met your match," Hollander said, sounding amused.

"I want the blood sample analyzed tonight."

"I wouldn't put off something so important to you. Don't worry, if anything is there to be found, I'll find it." Hollander took the thermometer out. "One-oh-two-point-nine. It's dropping. Either an infection, or it's beginning to break on its own. I'll let you know what I find out."

"What should I do in the meantime?"

"Let me bring him to the med lab. We can monitor and take care of him there."

"No," Angeal said harshly, and I was relieved. "Is there anything you would do there that I cannot do here?"

"I suppose not, if you insist. Cold cloths on the head, keep the rest of the body warm. He'll probably sleep, which is good, but you'll need to check his temperature about every hour or so. If it starts to climb again, call me. If it hits one-oh-five, he'll need to be put into an ice bath, and that means the lab, whatever your stubbornness says."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"Of course. I'll call."

As soon as I sensed Angeal and I were alone, I said, "I don't get it."

"What don't you get, Zack?"

"He seems nice. Why don't you like him?"

"Dr. Hollander?" Angeal shifted me slightly to wrap the blanket better, but to my delight he didn't lay me down. "He is not really a bad man. Just weak-willed, and easily blinded by his own ambition."

"But you don't like him."

"I trust him, to a point, at least."

"But you don't like him."

"We can talk about this another time, Zack. You can go to sleep now."

I wanted to protest, but even in this he seemed able to turn my body against me. The heartbeat I pressed my ear to had slowed enough to mistake for a lullaby in my exhausted and confused state, and I let it sing me into the darkness.

**To be continued!**


	8. I Must Isolate You

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 8 - I Must Isolate You**

 

I woke up the next morning confused. For one thing, someone had turned my alarm off, and it was late in the morning, past ten. I tried to jump up, cursing, and when I slumped back on my bed I remembered the previous night. That must have been some fever, I thought. My body felt like it had been weighted down with lead.

Angeal must have heard my inventive swearing (he had been especially amused by "planet-fucker"), because the ajar door pushed open and his head peeked in.

"How do you feel?" he asked, looking relieved.

"Like I've just gone five rounds against Bahamut."

He laughed. "Rest. I'm making something that should help," he said, and disappeared.

Rest probably was a good idea, but weak as I was, I couldn't stay still much longer. Besides, I must have sweated when the fever broke, and I felt gross. Making a mental note to change the sheets, I crawled out of bed and groped my way to the bathroom. The clean, healthy heat of the shower was just what I needed, I felt revitalized and ready to...well, not to do much, but there was no way I was going back to sleep. For one thing, I had questions.

Angeal shook his head at me and poured me a glass of orange juice as I came into the kitchen. "I suppose I should count myself lucky I got you to keep still as long as you did."

"Yep."

"Why are you wearing your uniform?"

"Because it looks good on me?" It did, though not as good as my SOLDIER uniform eventually did. Cadet uniforms are dark blue; I pull off black better. "Um, because it's what cadets wear and I'm a cadet?"

"Today you're a convalescent. Depending on how you feel today, maybe we can do some work tomorrow before I leave, but mako tests start the day after and you need to be healthy for them."

"I'm okay now, though. Right?"

"Well, I'd suggest you sit down before you collapse. I know you've developed a meaningful friendship with the floor, but I don't think it feels the same way."

I stared at him with an open-mouthed grin. "You made a joke."

"Your fever was not contagious, but I fear certain aspects of your personality might be. For the sake of ShinRa's reputation, I'd better keep you away from Sephiroth."

If whatever sickness I had and my recovery from it was what put Angeal into this light-hearted mood, it was more than worth it. I wondered if it was something I could catch again.

"Sir, do you know what was wrong with me?"

His back was turned, and he was doing something with the stove. "Your file says you had Gongagan Fever when you were seven."

That's where I remembered that heat and fogginess from! But then that meant - 

"I had it again?"

"Those who experience a mild case in childhood often have a recurrence of it in adolescence, Dr. Hollander tells me. Your blood was otherwise clean, and your symptoms fit this diagnosis perfectly."

"Yeah, I remember people in Gongaga sometimes getting it twice," I said. "It usually would last a few days, though, even with antibiotics."

"The ShinRa Science Department is well-funded, enough so that it has been able to create stronger and more effective drugs than those available to the general public. Dr. Hollander believes your general good health also aided you in fighting the fever off so quickly. I am inclined to think it was stubbornness."

I stuck my tongue out. "Well, I'm gonna agree with the doctor."

"He was very amused by you last night."

"Um, I'm sorry about that, sir. I know I wasn't behaving properly."

"It was hardly your fault, Zack. You weren't functioning properly. Believe me, your lack of decorum was the least of my worries."

"You really were worried, sir, weren't you?"

"I was unfamiliar with Gongagan Fever. The sudden onset alarmed me." Ignoring my knowing smile, he came to the table with two bowls and put one in front of me. "Try this, I think you'll like it."

It looked like some sort of oatmeal, mixed with chunks of oddly-colored apple. I sampled a spoonful and decided it was some kind of oatmeal, of the same high-protein sort cadets are encouraged to begin the day with, but better. And the apple was much sweeter than any other I'd ever tasted, it made the whole thing delicious.

"Hey, this is really good. What is it?"

"The recipe has no name that I know," Angeal said. "My mother used to make it for me whenever I was ill. Banora apples are considered to be the most nutricious fruit known to man. They grow only in Banora, so my mother sends them to me."

"Has anyone tried planting them anywhere else?"

"Many people, I believe. There seems to be some property unique to Banora soil that allows the tree to thrive. Of course, in Midgar it's hard to get anything to grow."

"You did."

Angeal laughed and shook his head. "The green thumb you saw evidence of in the clearing was not my own. I care for the flowers there, tend them, but I did not make them grow."

"Who did, sir?"

"Someone who would not want me linking his name to gardening, and that's the only answer I will give you."

Sephiroth? I couldn't believe it.

"No way."

"Whatever your guess is, I'm not going to confirm it."

"Sir? Have you known Dr. Hollander a long time?" I asked, casually, hoping his willingness to talk would continue.

He looked at me silently for a moment, then nodded. "All my life, actually."

"I thought you weren't raised by ShinRa."

"The cadets still like to gossip, I see." I blushed, but he smiled faintly. "I came to ShinRa when I was twelve. I knew Hollander before that, though. He's from Banora, and before he was hired by ShinRa, he was my mother's doctor."

"Oh. I heard him say something last night, about you being the same now as you were when you were a kid, and I wondered."

"He is probably right. I don't suppose I've changed much."

"You mean you were always this serious?" I asked. "Didn't you have any fun?"

"Of course I did. I had Sephiroth...and Genesis," he said, his voice dropping lower on those last two words. "It must have been hard on those in charge of us, trying to deal with three mako-enhanced teenagers nearly tearing the VR Room apart with every spar."

Angeal laughed softly. "But we had fun together. As the only children among so many adults, we became even closer."

"Closer? You mean you knew each other before?"

"Genesis also came from Banora, we lived next door to each other." Angeal's expression seemed to darken a little more each time he spoke Genesis's name, but to my relief he didn't change the subject. "He and I left our homes and moved here at the same time."

I couldn't imagine joining ShinRa at twelve. It had been hard enough for me at fifteen to suddenly be so far away from my parents, it was still hard sometimes. Gaia, it's even hard now, after so long.

Angeal must have seen this thought in my expression. "It was difficult at first. But we were both happy to be able to see Sephiroth more often."

"Wait, you knew the general before then too?" I was surprised. Angeal having been brought up by ShinRa was a rumor; Sephiroth's similar upbringing was pretty much an accepted fact.

"By the time I was born, Hollander was working for ShinRa, but he often made trips to Banora to see my mother - this is how I first came to know him. Sometimes he brought his colleague with him."

"Hojo?" I guessed.

Angeal nodded, though his mouth twisted into a grimace for a moment, like I'd said an offensive word. "Yes. And Hojo brought Sephiroth with him. We were occasionally allowed to play together."

I snickered.

"What?"

"The general...played?"

Angeal looked down and smiled wistfully to himself. He didn't say anything for a few moments, and I worried that he might be thinking he'd said too much and decided to clam up.

"Oh, c'mon, you can't drop a bomb like that and not give details!" I complained, waving my spoon at him. "Please? I promise I won't tell anyone."

That was all the convincing Angeal required. He trusted me, I was proud to see, but I don't think it was just that. He liked talking about Sephiroth, as much as he was uncomfortable mentioning Genesis.

"Sephiroth's games were usually military ones. He would map out a very detailed plan to conquer some hill or meadow of Banora, and we would be his soldiers. Not unlike the way it is now," Angeal said with a smile. "He also liked dueling, but Genesis and I were not strong or skillful enough to give him any sort of challenge until years later."

I held back the urge to say how cute I thought this was. "Didn't you do any normal kid games? What about hide-and-seek?"

Angeal laughed. "I taught Sephiroth that one when I was about nine...so he would have been seven. I regretted it later."

"Why?"

"There was a cave on the outskirts of the village that had long been blocked by a heavy boulder. Sephiroth's strength was quite exceptional, even then. When it was his turn to hide, he rolled the boulder aside and concealed himself in the cave. We couldn't find him for hours. Dr. Hojo - " There was that grimace again. " - was frantic. I'm surprised we were still allowed to play together after that."

"Still, that was a clever hiding place."

"It was. And knowing Sephiroth's patience, if Genesis hadn't found him and told him everyone was worried, he might still be there, and ShinRa might have lost the Wutai War."

It was so wonderful to have Angeal being so open, so willing to tell me things that most people would never know. I knew my next question would probably put an end to this openness for a little while, but stupid me, I could not hold it back. Maybe falling in love with someone makes you more guilt-prone, or just more willing to take the blame for their problems.

"Sir, is what's wrong between you and Genesis now something to do with me?" I said in a babbling rush. "Did I do something? Can I help fix it, either way?"

Tension clouded Angeal's expression, which had been so relaxed and soft before. He looked at me the way he often did, like I was a scribbled line of text he was struggling to read. I dropped my eyes for a few seconds, and when I lifted them up again his face was still the same. At least he didn't seem upset. Just...weary, maybe.

"Zack, listen to me. You have done nothing. And though I appreciate your offer, I must decline it. If my friendship with Genesis can be salvaged, I will see that it is. Whether it can be or not, I don't want you any more involved. I don't want you anywhere near him."

"Yes, sir. But it does have something to do with me, doesn't it?"

"Genesis has a grudge against me, and given the chance, he would use you to get back at me. That's all you need to know."

We were both finished eating. Angeal stood and put the bowls in the dishwasher, clearing his throat as he turned back to me.

"I have to go out soon, I have some things to take care of. You're to stay put and rest, and I will know if you disobey. Lieutenant Moray will be here with you."

Oh, crap. Just what I needed, another situation I had no idea how to deal with. I liked Moray, just not the way he apparently liked me, and this wasn't some fellow cadet or 3rd Class casually propositioning me or asking me out. This was a 1st Class, my mentor's assistant, someone I was going to see all the time and owed respect to. However odd my experience of 1st Classes had been so far, I knew Moray wouldn't do anything unless I told him he could, and that just made me feel worse. What was wrong with me that I preferred a guy who treated me like a puppy over one with whom I might have a normal relationship?

"Zack? Is something wrong?"

"I thought you trusted me."

"I am not assigning Lieutenant Moray here to make sure you behave. I just don't want to leave you alone in case your fever returns, or you develop another symptom."

"I'm okay, sir. I can look after myself."

"Cadet, if you are uncomfortable with Moray - "

"No, no, sir, not at all! He's nice, I just..." I smiled nervously. "Sorry, sir, I'm being kinda bratty, huh?"

"Just a bit. It's a good sign," Angeal chuckled. "It tells me that you are recovering."

"See, I told - Hey!"

"Indeed. Now I feel less worried about leaving."

"You don't have to go yet, sir, do you?"

My voice sounded much more timid and needier than I wanted it to be, but I guess that's the way I felt. Angeal shook his head and gestured to the newspaper on the floor. I was still a little weak, but he kept one arm around my middle as he held and stroked me. With his warmth all around me, I thought the same thing I always did during these sessions - that I didn't care if this was wrong, I wanted it. I wanted him. I don't know how I kept from crying.

__

zfzfz

Lt. Moray arrived just as Angeal was leaving. I had known he would be bringing lunch for us to have together, but I was pretty shocked to see him turn up with at least five bags from the 1st Class dining hall. 

He must have seen my surprise as he came into the living room. "I wasn't sure what you'd want, so I got representatives from all the major food groups, including the most important of them all."

He dropped one of the bags next to me on the couch and indicated it with a grin of triumph. I looked inside, and laughed.

"Pudding?"

"Lots of pudding! It was my favorite sick-day food when I was a kid. I brought all kinds. Even grabbed the last few butterscotches before Lefler could get his hands on them."

"Sir, you didn't have to go to all this trouble - "

"Pfft, no trouble. Anyway, you're more fun than the stuffy 1st Classes. In a few years you'll be one yourself, I'll bet, and I'll finally have someone to appreciate my optimism." Moray went into the kitchen, bouncing on his heels as he walked. "Hold on, we'll need spoons, lots of spoons..."

Insane, isn't it? In terms of personality, he and I were perfectly compatible. Moray was friendly and easy-going and good-looking, and though he was a 1st Class, he was way closer to my league than Angeal. Me dating Moray would have caused a stir around ShinRa, sure, but it would have been allowed. And most importantly, perhaps, it was possible. I could give him what I knew Angeal couldn't possibly feel for me.

He came back and plopped down beside the bag, handing me a spoon. He selected a chocolate pudding, and I chose a vanilla.

"So how're you feeling? I heard you weren't doing well last night."

"A relapse of Gongagan Fever. I'm okay now, I just don't have much energy."

"You know what a good remedy is for that?"

"Um...pudding?"

"You're catching on," he laughed. "Think you'll be okay for mako tests?"

"I've got to be, don't I?"

"They'll let you make it up later if you've got a medical excuse."

"I'll be okay. But my friend Kono just got diagnosed with blood defficiency, do you think he'll be allowed to test?"

"If he's on a new medication, they'll probably delay his injection for a few weeks," Moray said. "Nothing to worry about. You don't lose points or anything. All they care about is whether you react well to the mako or not. How'd you do last year?"

"I got dizzy and a little disoriented, that's all."

"Good, you shouldn't have any problems, then. Heh, when I was a first-year cadet, this guy in my class had a bad reaction, and had to leave SOLDIER."

"Was he hurt by it?"

"The mako? Nah, not really. He just started hallucinating. He insisted he was a mermaid and jumped into the fountain in the Main Courtyard. Took four lab assistants to pull him out."

"No way!"

"Ha, that's not even the best part. He was yelling that Hojo was really his archenemy, the evil Octopus King, and started pelting lily pads at him."

I laughed harder than I had in quite a while. "I wish I could've seen that!"

"It was priceless. I heard that one of the 2nd Classes got a couple pictures, but the general confiscated them. That was before Sephiroth was the general, actually, but even then, you didn't exactly want to disobey him."

I wondered if Moray had any idea that Sephiroth had played as a child, or made people worry, or that he was sad for a reason Angeal seemed to know and kept to himself. Years after this, people would ask me how I was brave enough to worm my way into Sephiroth's life and become his last close friend. I never told them the truth, that I knew how human he was before I got to know him directly. I was able to look at him and see what few others could - a silver-haired child playing war with his best friends, practicing the game that would later make him a reluctant legend.

Damn it, Sephiroth. I ought to hate you, and here I am, missing you like crazy. Enough.

"So you're from Gongaga? What's it like there? Here, try the butterscotch, they're great."

"It's a small village, with a lot of woods and farms around. It's quiet. Pretty."

"You miss it?" Moray asked sympathetically.

"Sometimes. I miss my parents. I write to them, but, you know. They worry."

"Yeah, parents are good at that. My mom still starts every reply to every letter I send with 'I'm so relieved you're okay!' Like she's always expecting to see my body arrive with the mail instead of a letter."

"Where are you from, sir?"

"Junon. You ever been there?"

I shook my head. I knew where Junon was, that it was a port city second only to Midgar in size and industry, but not much more than that.

"It's a busy place, always a lot going on, always something to do. So, of course, a lot of crime as well, and a lot of temptations." Moray shurgged. "I think I'm probably safer as a SOLDIER than I was at home, though I don't think that would comfort my mother."

"Even with the deaths that have happened here, sir?"

"My superiors keep telling us they're investigating, that the problem is under control."

"Does that mean they know who did it?" I asked.

"I don't know. I don't know anything except what I've seen in reports." Moray looked at me curiously. "Are you worried? Nothing's happened in months. Could be everything's all right now."

"It just seems supicious. Like ShinRa knows more than it's telling."

"Heh, I think that's standard operating procedure for any big corporation. But it stands to reason that the higher-ups would want this threat neutralized, doesn't it? If they know who did it, they'd take care of it."

"But wouldn't they also make his name, or their names, public?" I pointed out. "To reassure everyone, counteract some of the bad publicity the deaths have gotten?"

Moray frowned. "Yeah, seems like they would."

"What if they're not even trying to catch the killer? Maybe they're afraid of him, or for some other reason they think it's better to just keep covering up..."

"The way they've handled it so far has been a bit odd, Cadet, I'll give you that. But I can't believe they'd be able to shrug off nine mysterious deaths."

I sat up straight, rigidly. "Nine? Lieutenant Selwin was killed, then?"

"Shit, me and my big mouth. The cadets talk, huh?"

"How did it happen?"

"We don't know," Moray sighed. "The autopsy results are restricted information, but from what I heard, Selwin's body was in the same condition as the others. Missing a lot of blood and no visible wounds or signs of trauma."

"If ShinRa isn't hiding something, then why was it given out that Lieutenant Selwin was transferred to Wutai? Seems to me like ShinRa didn't care when it was only guards and groundskeepers dying, but if everyone knew SOLDIERs are at risk too, it would cause a panic, or at least a lot more questions. So either that's when they finally stopped the killer, or they still haven't been able to, and that means he or they are still at large."

Moray smiled at me. "You're a bright kid, Fair. Are you thinking of trying to solve this mystery yourself?"

"Kono and I have been trying, actually, but we don't have enough information to go on. The Midgar Herald only reported four of the deaths. Without all the names and locations of the bodies and all that, we're kinda stuck."

"Maybe you should leave it alone. If the killer's still out there, you'd only put yourself in danger by probing."

"But if the killer is still out there, sir, no one is safe until he or they or whatever is caught."

Moray rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a few moments. He looked like he was struggling with something. Even when he spoke again, he seemed reluctant.

"Well, if I can't convince you to let this go, I guess I could get you the information you need. Some of it, at least."

"Really?" I said excitedly. "Could you get in trouble for that?"

"Not if we keep our mouths shut. You'd have to promise me you'll be careful, though. If something happened to you..."

"You would get in trouble?"

"Oh, I don't care about that. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

Awkwardness. He was looking at me the way he had when I found out he wasn't going to report my fight to Angeal. Remembering that, I wasn't surprised when his hand slowly reached out to touch my cheek. His palm rubbed gently against my skin, and his fingers stretched upward to slide into my hair. It felt good, and for a few seconds or longer, neither of us said anything.

"Promise me you'll be careful, Cadet."

"Yes, sir."

"You can call me Colin," he said quietly, with a strained, breathy voice. "I would prefer that."

"Not if you won't use my name," I said, trying to sound playful, but my lungs felt tight. "I told you to call me Zack."

His eyes were unblinking, half-closed and heavy-lidded. I saw the restrained desire filling them as they moved nearer, as he moved nearer. He held my face in both his hands now, stroking with his fingers like he was trying to learn my features by touch.

"Can I call you beautiful?" Moray whispered, and his lips were on mine.

I closed my eyes, reacting instinctively. Kissing, at least, was something familiar. It was the one intimate thing I had done with other cadets a few times, more out of loneliness and a need to be close than any genuine attraction. And before too, in Gongaga, boys I used to play with and even a few girls, before I realized they weren't what I wanted. I liked kissing, I liked the intimacy of it, so much so that at first I couldn't put my finger on why this was wrong.

Moray was so gentle, even when he opened my mouth with his own and slipped his tongue inside. He made an "Mmm" noise and drew me closer to him, and good thing he was strong, because I felt like dead weight, unthinking and relaxed. I must have still been weak, but when my head began to feel heavy his hand was there to hold it, to keep my lips level with his. The other hand went to my waist, then crept under my shirt to run up and down my side, and it was then I remembered why this wasn't okay. Angeal. I only wanted Angeal to touch me.

I was careful not to jerk back suddenly, I didn't want Moray to think he had hurt or offended me. I broke the kiss slowly and leaned back, trying to show him with my eyes how sorry I was. He let go of me completely with one hand and let the other rest on my shoulder, smiling with a sadness that made me feel terrible.

"You don't want this, huh?" he murmured. "Don't worry, I would never order you or make you."

"I'm sorry."

"Is there someone else, or do you just not like me?" he asked, still trying to smile.

"I do like you, just..."

"Not that way," he finished, nodding. His hand was up near his neck, playing absently with a pendant he wore on a chain. I had noticed the chain before, but he must have usually worn it tucked into his shirt.

"I must be crazy."

"You have feelings for someone else, don't you? Lucky guy."

"He'll never know," I whispered. "He wouldn't feel the same."

"Lucky, stupid guy." Moray's eyes were brighter. Not with tears - it was more like the mako in them was reacting to strong emotion and trying to overpower it. "Are we okay, Zack? Can I at least be your friend?"

"You called me Zack."

"I'm sort of superstitious," he admitted. "I thought it might bring me luck if I didn't use your name until...don't worry about it."

Yeah, right. He was the one who just got turned down and he was trying to make me feel better. The least I could do was try to make him think it was working.

"Um, is that a good luck charm? It's cool."

"This?" Moray opened the hand that was closed around the pendant. It was a single silver raindrop. "My mother gave it to me when I left home to join SOLDIER. Rain is a symbol of purity. I guess she was hoping that some part of me would stay untouched by the death I would see, and the killing I would have to do."

He didn't have to say it was this part of himself he'd wanted to share with me. I could see it in his face.

"I really am sorry, sir."

"It's Colin, Zack. And it's okay. C'mon, have some more pudding and I'll tell you enough funny stories to blackmail the whole 1st Class with, in case you ever need to." 

**To be continued!**


	9. From Your Enemies

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 9 - From Your Enemies**

 

I didn't have class until the afternoon the following day, so Angeal and I spent the morning getting some training in before he had to leave. It was a sunny day, so we headed out to the clearing in the southeastern woods of the Compound. I remember it so well, the way you remember the best days of your youth. After turning down Moray, it should have been devastating to be near Angeal, to be reminded that I had chosen the unobtainable over a guy who would never have begun our relationship by force, as Angeal had so gently done.

But I just loved being with him, pathetic as I was. I got more out of the touch of his hands as he adjusted my sparring stance than I had from Moray's kiss. I scowled at Angeal for the frequent breaks he made me take and the way he often felt my head for signs of fever, but I secretly liked that he showed so much concern. I almost wished I'd get sick again in hopes that would make him drop out of the mission and stay with me, but I think he was curious to see how I'd do without him for a little while. I was curious too, purely in the sense of dreading it.

He was pleased with me, and I was proud of myself that day, because I could feel myself getting better and better. Each time we dueled, every week we worked together, I became faster, stronger, a bit better at countering his attacks. I was nowhere near matching him yet, but I was coming along. During one of the rests, Angeal said he'd like to have Sephiroth observe us sometime soon, and you could've knocked me over with a feather.

"How's my concentration, sir?"

"Improving, I believe. You are able to focus on your opponent more completely and for longer periods of time."

Because my opponent is you, I thought.

"Your instructors tell me you are continuing to do very well in your classes, also. Executive Director Lazard told me the president himself reviewed your file and expressed approval of my decision to become your mentor."

My eyes must have been bugging out. "The president knows who I am?"

"He occasionally asks Commander Tseng if there are any who are standing out among the lower classes and cadet corps. Turks in general tend to know more of what's happening than everyone else, and Tseng most of all."

I thought of asking Angeal if the rumor Kono had heard was true, if Tseng really did have a boy living with him and if there was a more innocent explanation for it. But I didn't want him to think I believed everything I heard, or that I was comparing what Tseng was doing to what Angeal was. Maybe I could find out something by being sneaky.

"Sir, is it true what people say about the Turks?"

"What do you mean?"

"That they perform kidnappings, assassinations, blackmail. That stuff."

"Turks are, as a rule, secretive about their own business," Angeal said. "They answer only to Tseng and the president, and their lack of discipline and authority accords them more freedom than we have in SOLDIER. Their independence and specialized training makes them more suited than we are for stealth and trickery. They have performed at least a few assassinations, though too carefully to worry about anyone proving it was them. And they are the president's agents for all his underhanded dealings, including blackmail. I'm sure it's dangerous for them to know so much potentially damaging information, but then that's why the president so favors them."

"What about kidnappings?"

"In the early days of SOLDIER, there was not such a mass of people trying to join each year. As you know, the Turks scout for SOLDIER candidates. There were a few desired recruits who were not quite willing at first, and had to be...convinced. Kidnapped, bribed, blackmailed, whatever it took."

"That's terrible!"

"Yes. Fortunately the program became attractive and popular and such tactics were soon unnecessary. Hmph, it was Turks who brought Genesis and I to ShinRa all those years ago. We were young, and nervous, but not unwilling. Turks are not as bad as rumors make them out to be, though I would advise you not to risk trusting them."

"Do you know any of them well?"

"My work most often involves dealing with Commander Tseng. I don't know that I would call him a friend, but he's not a bad man. He does what he's ordered to do, as all Turks must, but beyond that, he tries to do what is right, and mostly he succeeds."

That made me think there probably wasn't truth to Kono's rumor. I would have to tell him, maybe that would put his mind at ease about the Turks a little. I hadn't seen much of him recently, but that wasn't unusual. Kono was so trusted by instructors and officers that he was constantly being sent on errands and running messages for them.

"Sir, why were you and Genesis brought to ShinRa so young?"

Angeal seemed startled by the question, as though it were one he had not thought to ask. "I suppose because we were willing to be. SOLDIER was still taking shape as a program and we were eager to be part of it. We both wanted to fight alongside Sephiroth."

"When did you start getting the mako treatments?"

"Immediately."

"What?" I said incredulously. "At twelve?"

"One more thing we were able to share with Sephiroth," Angeal said softly. "It was often uncomfortable at first, as the dosage was high from the start, but we reveled in our increasing strength and speed. Sephiroth was pleased too, not only to have friends close by but also to be able to duel with us at last."

"You care about him a lot, don't you?"

Angeal looked at me with a bemused smile. "It is very easy for people who know the general at a distance to admire him. It has always been just as easy for me to care for him. He does not permit many people to get close to him. I am honored to be one of those few."

"And Genesis is one too?"

"Some bonds are very difficult to break. Perhaps impossible." Angeal got to his feet and unsheathed the Buster Sword. "Ready for another round?"

It was usually pretty cool in Midgar, even in the late spring, and the air was crisp and invigorating on that late morning as we walked back to the apartment. But I shivered a little, even in the indoor warmth, as Angeal placed a hand on the back of my neck and guided me into the kitchen and to our usual newspapered spot. This would be the last time before he left, and though I would be without this, without him, for only a day, I didn't want it to start because I didn't want it to end. I was longing for his return already.

The peeing part was always over quickly, with a business-like minimum of touching. It wasn't until afterward that either of us came alive, that Angeal began to breathe with a restrained but audible heaviness. This time he pushed my uniform shirt halfway up my torso, and ran his fingers over the developing hardness of my stomach as he took me in his other hand. I half-expected an excuse for this, a mumbled comment about how my strength training was going, but he only let out a sigh. When he did speak, his voice sounded odd, a little less steady than usual.

"Can I trust you to do this while I am gone, Zack?"

I nodded, not letting speech disrupt the soft sounds of pleasure I was making. He was taking his time, drawing it out longer than was usual for us, going so slowly that I tried to thrust into his hand a few times, whimpering with need. Angeal's arm tightened around me and kept me still, and he would chuckle softly or make a "tsk" noise.

"Patience, Puppy."

He edged closer to me to get a better grip, and that's when I felt it, the bulge he was trying not to press into my rear. A flush of heat rippled through my entire body when I realized what it was and what it meant. Angeal was aroused by this too, aroused by me. I couldn't tell its size really, just that it was thick and insistent and seemed to pulse with life the way my own did. It rubbed just the right spot, along the center seam of my pants, and it occurred to me how close it was, where it wanted to go, where I wanted it to go.

Angeal wouldn't let me thrust forward, so I rolled my hips backward, colliding with him with as much force as I could. He took in a sharp, alarmed breath, but I was already doing it again, and I groaned pitifully as he jerked back.

"Zack." His voice, trying to be stern, was breaking. "No."

"Please, please," I begged, lowering my head to the tile and lifting my ass higher into the air. "Please, please..."

Angeal made a choking sound, almost like a sob, and I felt him press his groin to me and gently begin to thrust. As a virgin, I had not thought it possible to want to be penetrated so badly that all fear of injury or pain were forgotten. But the clothes between us infuriated me beneath the giddy joy I felt, because I wanted him inside me. If it killed me, if it crippled me, I didn't care, I wanted to give him something he didn't dare take for himself.

It wasn't enough but it was good, and his hand jerked me harder and faster to keep up. I just barely heard his cry over my own, and when he held me over the floor he leaned down, his chest to my back, where he gave himself a few moments to recover. Once the newspaper was crumpled up and cleared away, instead of setting me on the tile, he sat back on his knees and drew me upward, clasping my trembling body to his. I felt his heartbeat slow down against my back, and his chin rest on the top of my head.

Angeal allowed this for perhaps a minute, then put me down, and I managed to brace my hands against the floor and keep from slumping into the boneless blob I felt like. He reached around me to fasten my pants, business-like again, but his hands lingered briefly as he smoothed my shirt back down.

"Hit the shower, Zack, and I'll do the same," Angeal said quietly. "I'll have just enough time to walk you to class."

I stumbled away, realizing something had changed slightly, and we weren't going to talk about that either.

__

zfzfz

"Poison and Heal are a good example of what kind of materia pairing? Swanson."

"Antagonistic, sir."

"Yes, and why is that? Kunsei."

"Because the effect of one's magic has a negating effect on the other, sir."

"Very good," Instructor Danning said, putting the luminescent green orbs down on his desk to write the answer on the chalkboard. "Who can give me another example of an antagonistic pairing? Highcliff."

"Um." Malakh squinted, obviously trying to remember the reading assignment. "Heal and Seal, sir?"

"Are you asking me or telling me, Cadet?"

"Telling you, sir."

"Good, because you're correct. Another example, anyone? Briggs."

"Heal and...Time, sir."

"Incorrect. Fair, why is Time materia excluded from all antagonistic pairings?"

Bad luck he called on me and worse that I knew the answer. As if Briggs needed more reasons to detest me.

"Time is a polar materia, sir."

"And why is that?"

"Its strongest magics are Haste and Slow, sir, which are antagonistic to each other on their own without the presence of a second materia."

"Very good, Fair."

Malakh rolled his eyes at me and smiled. Briggs glared and Saeni, a born follower, did the same.

"Break off into pairs of two and come get a sample of Heal and Poison materia," Instructor Danning ordered, a balding man who was growing portly in the sedentary occupation of teacher. "Take turns casting Bio and Poisona on each other. Bio1 only, got that? And yes, this will be on the practical portion of your exam."

Malakh grabbed a chunk of Poison and I took one of Heal. Back at our desks, standing opposite one another, he prepared to cast. I jokingly threatened him with an ass-kicking if he messed up and permanently injured me, but I wasn't too worried. Malakh wasn't the best magic-user, but it's almost impossible at our level to do serious damage with unequipped materia, and Poison isn't one of the more serious kinds.

"Bio1!"

A queasy feeling came over me, and I fought the urge to slump or sit as a greenish tinge came over my skin. If what I had heard about Bio3 - that it makes you feel like your living body has begun to rot - was true, I earnestly hoped to never experience it. Bio1 feels kind of like the flu, maybe a bit worse because it comes on so suddenly.

"You're not gonna puke on me, are you?"

"Shut up and let me concentrate," I groaned, gripping the Heal materia like a lifeline. "Poisona!"

The green light of the materia fragment glowed brighter, expanding into a brief wave that passed gently into me. The sick feeling and growing weakness lifted immediately, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Okay, your turn. Hand it over."

"Do we have to?" Malakh asked with a pout. "I hate being Poisoned."

"You think I enjoy it? You think anyone does? C'mon, stop being such a pansy."

"Why? It's my Gaia-given right. As a man in touch with my feminine side, I should be free to say 'Eww' and decline."

"Maybe. But not as a SOLDIER. C'mon, I'll be quick."

"Gah."

Just as we were swapping materia, movement at the door caught my eye, and I saw Kono come into the classroom. It was weird for him to be late at all, much less miss most of a lesson, but more alarming than that was how pale and tired he looked.

"C'mon, Zack, are we doing this or not?"

"Bio1," I said absently.

I continued to look away as Malakh cursed and moaned and got so distracted that he tried to use Resist on himself, which of course did him no good at all. Kono handed Instructor Danning what looked like a late pass, and Danning took it and nodded, appearing less annoyed once he'd read it. He frowned and asked Kono something, and Kono replied with what looked like "I'm fine, sir, thank you". He always, when thanking or accepting thanks, made a slight, brief bow particular to Wutaians, and this made me more certain that Danning had expressed concern. I planned to do the same.

"All right, Yamura, join a group and get a turn with the materia."

I waved Kono over and he came to Malakh and I, offering a dimmer version of his usual good-natured smile. Malakh had finally managed to Poisona himself and disgustedly thrust the Heal materia back into my hand. I passed them both to Kono.

"Here, you can do me." 

"How come he's allowed and I got rejected?"

"Because you have a dirty mind, moron."

Kono smiled at us again, amused by our friendly bickering.

"Where have you been?" I asked quietly.

"I was checking in with Dr. Hollander. He asked me to run an errand for him."

"Are you all right? You don't look so good."

"I'm still adjusting to the medication, I just got my dose increased," Kono said, pausing to cast Bio and switching the Heal materia to his dominant hand. "The doctor said I might feel worse before I feel better. Poisona! I'm fine."

"You look like crap," Malakh said cheerfully.

"Thank you."

"What about mako tests? Yours would be day after tomorrow...no, wait, the next day. You gonna be up for it?"

Kono shook his head regretfully. "I'll have to make the test up in a few weeks. The doctor says I won't be penalized for it, though."

"Lieutenant Moray told me the same thing," I assured him. "They only care about whether or not you react well."

"Zack has such important friends," Malakh sighed dramatically. "I'm surprised he bothers with us at all."

"You know me, I like to mingle with the little people."

"Heh, I'm not so little." Malakh grinned wickedly. "Wanna see?"

"Not unless you want Kono's eyes to pop out."

"Serves you right for getting to ditch mako tests, faker," he teased, nudging Kono with his elbow. "You're gonna miss all the fun, and by 'fun' I mean puking."

"I won't miss it, actually. I volunteered to assist the medical staff, since classes are suspended on those days anyway."

"Great Gaia," Malakh groaned, "could you possibly be any more of a suck-up?"

"It's honorable to help those who have helped you," Kono defended himself. "Not that you'd know much about honor, Highcliff."

"Hey, I'm plenty honorable! When I found that dirty magazine in the locker room, did I keep it for myself? No. I marched straight to the lost and found."

"Only because it was full of women."

"Boobies," Malakh said with a shudder. "Bags of jiggling flesh everywhere. I had nightmares of being smothered by skin-colored pillows."

Kono smirked and tried to make it into a disapproving frown. "You know, your mother was a woman."

"Exactly, and I don't want to look at her fun-bags either. I'm happy being an ass-man."

"You're an ass-something, that's for sure," I said dryly. "Every time Kono does a favor for a superior officer or staff member, that officer or employee remembers, and I bet a lot of it's gone into his file. You won't be so quick to tease when he's running this place and you're on guard duty at Mt. Nibel."

"Well, that won't happen to you, will it?" Malakh winked at me. "With your friends in high places."

"Hey, Zack got to be the head of our class on his own. He doesn't need preferential treatment to do well."

"Thank you, Kono."

"Right, 'cause ShinRa only rewards talent and hard work, never connections," Malakh scoffed. "We've got a seventeen-year-old V.P. because he's qualified, not at all 'cause the president is his dad."

"Actually, I heard Vice-President Rufus is really smart, and more ruthless than his father," Kono said.

"Yeah, no one's ever seen him bleed or cry, blah blah. And you know why? He's a ShinRa! He's got everything he could ever want and no one dares mess with him unless they want to get picked off by the Turks. I bet the reason no one ever sees him is because he's always off somewhere, knee-deep in booze and hookers."

"So, you're jealous, is what you're saying," Kono said disapprovingly.

"Hell yeah. If I had the power to order anyone in SOLDIER to do anything, whew, I wouldn't be admiring the general from afar, if you know what I mean."

Before Kono could react at all, a pair of sad silver eyes flashed in my memory, and I heard my own voice, speaking more harshly than usual. "Don't say that stuff, okay? At least not around me."

Malakh smirked knowingly. "Commander Hewley's really got you trained, huh?"

He couldn't have known beforehand what a bad choice of phrase that was, but I think the death-gaze I shot him made my displeasure obvious. To his credit, Malakh realized he'd gone too far and looked appropriately abashed.

"Sorry, man. Me and my big mouth. In some situations it's one of my best qualities, but it gets me into trouble with talking."

"It's okay."

"I'll try and keep my drooling fantasies to myself."

"I appreciate that."

"He is a person, you know?" Kono said softly. "Whatever else he is, he's a human being."

"Well, we don't have proof of that," Malakh commented. "Could be an alien."

"There's no proof aliens exist."

"The truth is out there, Yamura."

A dull chime sounded twice over the PA system, signaling the end of class.

"All right, you're dismissed. Read part one of the chapter on Support materia before our next lesson, and leave the Heals and Poisons at the desk on your way out," Instructor Danning called.

As I grabbed my textbook and notebook, Malakh jabbed me in the shoulder with his finger. "I spy something else 'out there', or someone, I should say."

He directed my attention to the classroom's open door. Between the retreating figures of cadets filing out, I saw Lieutenant Moray casually waiting, hands stuffed into his pockets. Damn.

"You know, Fair, every time I see you you're with a 1st Class. Commander Hewley not trust you or something?"

Gaia bless Kono, he came to my rescue without even realizing it. "It's probably because of the fight."

"That it, Zack?"

"Kinda," I mumbled.

We were the last three out into the hallway, and Moray greeted us with unfailing cheer, as he did everyone. If I had to be baby-sat, at least it was by someone who was equally friendly to all ranks and classes. It didn't attract as much attention as, say, Angeal would himself, had he not had the reason of being my mentor to explain why we were always together.

"Cadet Highcliff, good to see you again! How's the aim coming along?"

"Better, sir, thank you."

"I hear he even hits the target now and then," I joked.

Moray laughed. "If you ever need a pass for extra time on the shooting range, just let me know through Fair. I'd be happy to help."

"Thanks, sir, I will."

"And Cadet Yamura, feeling any better?"

"Yes, sir, thank you."

"I heard you volunteered to assist Dr. Hollander with the mako tests. I hope you like mopping up vomit."

"As long as it's honorable vomit, I'm sure he'll love it," Malakh snickered.

"I know of no other kind. Have you got a few minutes, Fair? I've got some instructions from the commander."

"Yes, sir, of course.'

Neither of us said any more until we were outside. The path that leads from the front entrance of the Cadet Building joins up with one that runs into the Main Courtyard. Knowing Lt. Moray's preference for the long way and the scenic route, I wasn't really surprised. But instead of turning toward the Lesser Courtyard and back west toward for the White Building, he kept going east, in the direction of the road and the other side of the Compound.

"Sir, do you really have orders from Commander Hewley?"

"Aside from the ones he issued before he left, nope."

I wasn't surprised. Angeal had already gone over with me what I was to do in his absence, including a refresher course on what not to do. With that in mind, I hoped we weren't really heading toward the Old Building.

"Sir, thank you for not, um..."

"Announcing the reason for my presence to your friends?" he said pleasantly. "No problem."

"Where are we going?"

"Have you learned Kurosawa's Rules of Warfare in Tactics yet?"

"Uh, yeah..."

"What's the first one?"

I fished my brain for the textbook section printed in bold letters. "'Whenever possible, avoid being seen.'"

"Right you are."

He stepped off the concrete path onto the grass as we passed the Executive Quad. He looked furtively around to make sure no one was watching, then started to slip into the darker space between the quad and the Old Building. I froze, and he turned back when he realized I wasn't following.

"Zack, what's wrong?"

"The science labs are here," I said awkwardly, wondering if Angeal had given him an excuse for this rule too. "Commander Hewley said I'm not to go near them unless he's with me."

Lt. Moray seemed a bit puzzled by this, scratching his head like it was a word problem he could solve. "What did he say about mako tests? They're in the lab."

"He didn't seem happy about that, but he said it's okay this once because you'll be with me.'

I wasn't thrilled about that, by the way. Angeal had told me that if anyone asked why Moray was accompanying me, I was to say that such close monitoring was part of my punishment for the fight with Briggs, and Moray would claim the same thing. It was a smart idea, I've got to admit. It would show the other cadets that I wasn't being spoiled and keep them from guessing that I was actually being guarded. From what, Angeal would still not say. I tried to take advantage of his apparent uneasiness about leaving and asked again, but he just pet my hair and told me to stay as close to Moray as I could.

Moray was speaking again. "So if it's okay for you to be in the labs if you're with me, it should be okay for you to be outside the labs if I'm with you. Right? Doesn't that make sense?"

"Yes, sir..."

"C'mon, then, this won't take long."

Reluctantly I stepped into the shade and followed him over the well-tended grass. He brought me to the back of the Old Building, to the area between it and the Compound wall where no one could see us. Moray had a thoughtful expression as he turned to face me.

"So that's why he wants me with you during the tests. It's got something to do with the labs. What, I wonder?"

Genesis was my guess, from Angeal's warnings and talk of a grudge, but I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure how much Angeal wanted him to know.

"It's something specific that he's worried about, isn't it?"

"He won't tell me, sir. But yes, I think so."

Moray looked troubled; he tried to shake it off and didn't really succeed. Resignedly, he produced a folded packet of papers from the front of his uniform shirt and handed them to me.

"All the information I could get on the deaths. It should help, though I do wish I could persuade you to drop it."

"This is excellent, sir, thank you!"

Conscious of his eyes boring concerned holes through me, I only glanced at the printed pages briefly before re-folding them and tucking them into my materia textbook. I smiled kindly at Moray, not letting it falter even when he reached out and stroked my cheek.

"It's funny, it should torture me to be near you," he mused. "But even looking at you makes me happy. Just seeing you smile. You make everything so bright."

My heart is bleeding for you, I wanted to say. "I do want to be friends. You won't stop being the commander's assistant because of me, will you?"

"I asked for the job to be near you," Moray confessed with a faint blush, as my jaw dropped. "But no, I do like it and I'll stick with it. It's still an excuse to see you, if you don't mind."

"I don't, sir, not at all."

"Colin," he corrected. His fingers continued to play gently over my cheek and jaw, and I felt no threat from it, no need to stop him. "This guy you have your heart set on...you should tell him."

"He's...kind of a friend. He's something to me, and I don't want to risk messing that up."

"Is what you have important to him, too?"

"I think so, sir. Colin."

He smiled sadly to hear me say his name. "Maybe he's not so dumb, then. If you didn't love him, do you think you could have..."

"Yes," I whispered, feeling a terrible ache in my chest. "I'm sorry."

"Can I...can I kiss you just one more time?"

As much as I only wanted Angeal, I wanted this too, just this once. I doubted it would really help Moray, and from the desperation in his eyes I gathered he was thinking the same thing. But I nodded, and smiled to show him I was willing.

Everything about Moray was smaller than Angeal. The arms that enfolded me, though bigger than my own, were weaker, and we were a little closer in height. He guided me as Angeal did, but his form was not big enough to envelop me and make me feel shielded from everything. Moray's touches were restrained too, but in a different way. Angeal worried that he might hurt me; Moray was aware that with every taste and breath of me he took, he was hurting himself more.

It was a friendly kiss - to me, at least - however deep and sensual it was. Not unlike my previous kisses at ShinRa in my first cadet year, in forms at night when we were lonely and tired and far away from everything we knew. It wasn't so odd to listen to a guy talk about his home and his girl (or guy), and the next second find yourself on the bed with him, mouths and bodies pressed together. Many cadets went further than that. There were a few who disliked me because I wouldn't, as much as others hated or envied me for my grades.

It seemed to go on and on and I let it, letting Moray take what he needed from me, because I knew he'd never ask for more. I had my arms around his neck, and he had one hand in my hair and another on my back, nearly fisting the fabric of my uniform each time the hand tried of its own accord to descend. I would have let him, but he knew his limits, and besides, it would have been unfair of me. I only wanted to remember Angeal pressing me there.

Moray's eyes were wet but not crying when he drew back at last and gulped in a much-needed deep breath. My lips were a little swollen from the long, eager kiss, I was panting, my cheeks felt warm and my hair was mussed. I probably appeared completely debauched, which may be why Moray wrenched his hands from me and took a step back, looking like both withdrawals were torture for him.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

I didn't know what to say to that.

"C'mon, Zack," he continued, trying to summon up his usual cheer. "I'll walk you back. Angeal would want you to get some study time in before our spar later."

I shivered a little as we walked back into the sunlight. Moray was a SOLDIER, mako-enhanced, and I kept telling myself I wouldn't be able to sense anything he couldn't. But I had the eeriest feeling, as we left the rear of the Old Building, that someone was watching. 

**To be continued!**


	10. Other Poison Devils

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 10 - Other Poison Devils**

 

Somehow, I was able to get through the kitchen ritual on my own. Yes, I really did it, not just because I wanted to obey Angeal but because I could only get hard in that place, that position, for him. I would close my eyes and convince myself that the hand on me was his, that his low, gentle voice was above and behind me, whispering encouragement. When I had trouble, I would call up the memory of his hardness thrusting against me and imagine it going inside, breaking through my clothes and impaling me deeper than is physically possible. And believe me, I came. And I missed Angeal like crazy.

Moray walked me to and from dinner that night, and then we went to the 1st Class gym to do a little practice fighting. He didn't favor the sword and told me to go easy on him, that he mostly wanted to see my technique and reflexes. He seemed more cheerful than he had earlier but still not quite himself again. He was getting there, though, and he wanted me to see that.

I was much better with a sword than Moray, but his mako-enhanced speed and strength provided me with enough of a challenge. He must have been testing my stamina as well, because he dodged and retreated even more than he blocked, though when I mentioned this aloud he laughed and said he was just trying to survive. Other 1st Classes passed by us in the mostly empty, enormous room, but if Moray was embarrassed about being constantly on the defensive with a mere cadet, he showed no sign of it.

One that I knew at first sight came our way as he came back from the locker room, and stopped to watch for a moment. Commander Lefler, overseer of SOLDIER cadets, the man I was nearly apprenticed to, and supposedly a great fan of butterscotch pudding. He was tall and broad with a black crewcut, sort of the stereotypical muscular soldier in appearance, and it always struck me as odd that such an intimidating man would accept an administrative position. Of course, his eyes were thoughtful, not glaring, and he was well-known for his fair, even kind dealings with the cadets in his charge.

"Hey, Lefler," Moray called amiably, "come to see my glorious defeat?"

"It does seem inevitable. You are an unremarkable swordsman at best."

"And at worst?"

"A human blender. You're doing well, Fair."

"Thank you, sir!"

"Commander Hewley's reports have been entirely positive. It would seem you and he are a good match after all. Would you agree?"

"Yes, sir. I enjoy working with the commander very much."

"Your focus has improved already, I see."

It occurred to me then that I had been having a conversation with Lefler and fighting Moray at the same time. Maybe I really could concentrate on my opponent even if he wasn't Angeal. I grinned.

"Don't get cocky now, Cadet. You've got a long way to go before you reach your full potential."

Even in trying to deflate me, he was implying a compliment. "Yes, sir."

"What about me? I've been thinking of taking up the sword."

"On behalf of the company, Moray, I'll ask you to reconsider."

"You really dodged a bullet, Fair. You should thank Angeal," Moray said softly, and I snickered.

None of us heard him come in, and Moray and Lefler didn't seem at all surprised, so I guess it was just accepted as a given that even 1st Class senses had trouble detecting him. I glanced over at Lefler, and Sephiroth was approaching him, saying "At ease" to the commander's relaxed salute. I was surprised to see him at first, before remembering that Angeal said he and the general would be leaving for Banora at different times and on different methods of transport - some sort of security issue.

I quickly looked back to Moray, wondering if he was going to stop, and he shook his head. I found out later that Sephiroth doesn't like to interrupt training any more than his mere presence already does. Did, I mean. Damn it.

"Everything all right, General?"

"Fine, Commander. I have been seeing to the arrangements required for mako tests. The labs are ready, the staff only requires your approval to access the cadet files."

"Yes, sir. Please, General, if anything else needs to be done down there, I'd be happy to take care of it personally. I know you need to disembark within the hour anyway."

Lefler sounded awfully eager. I looked at Moray in confusion, and he whispered, "The general hates the labs."

"Yes, Lieutenant, I do."

Sephiroth sounded slightly amused, if anything, but Moray winced. He quickly recovered with a grin, though, and added, at the same volume, "Quick, Zack, create a diversion so I can run for my life."

"Unnecessary, Lieutenant. I believe you are in more danger from Fair than you are from me."

Sephiroth's voice was low and calm, audible over the sound of our blades though he didn't raise it. I felt a glow of pride and tried to pay attention to what Moray was doing; he seemed to be trying harder too. Understandably, everyone does their best when the general is watching. It was a little distracting, knowing he was probably taking note of all my mistakes, but I attempted to compensate.

"Had enough, sir?" I called to Moray.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you? Little imp."

Moray remained on the defensive, unable to attack, and still, most of the time he dodged and retreated, maybe thinking to tire me out. It would have worked in a while, had the general not stepped closer and held out his hand.

"Halt."

We did, standing apart and putting up our swords.

"Nearly painful to watch, sir, aren't I?" Moray joked.

"You were not trying your best."

"Firearms are my weapon of choice, sir. Very different set of skills."

"Nonetheless, though Fair is clearly the superior swordsman, you have the greater strength and speed. I would not expect you to fight him as you would a 1st Class, but the cadet will not learn if you don't challenge him. He had a moment of distraction when I came in, and you did not take advantage."

"I'm sorry, sir. I guess I let my liking for Cadet Fair get in the way."

My eyes widened, but Sephiroth didn't seem to take the statement as anything more than an admission of friendly feelings. He gestured Moray to step aside, took his place opposite me and drew Masamune. Moray must have seen the look on my face, because he seemed alarmed.

"Uh, General - "

"I will defend only. Attack me, Cadet. That's an order."

I felt like someone had cast Bio on me. But I was Angeal's protégé, and everything I did and failed to do would reflect on him. I took a deep breath and rushed at Sephiroth, swinging my sword in every position I had learned, every one that had ever worked. Unsurprisingly, nothing fazed him. Masamune met me each time, arriving a split second before I did, elegantly and without effort.

I mentioned a while ago how lack of reaction drives me crazy. Even I couldn't bring myself to kick Sephiroth as I had Angeal, so I just sped up my assault, moving the sword as fast as I could. The general merely increased speed to match me, and it wasn't exhausting him as it was me. I put every bit of strength I had into trying to get past him, no longer worried about making a fool of myself in front of the general. A few minutes later, I was slumped on the floor, panting to catch my breath.

Incredibly, the general was gazing down at me with a faint smile. He extended a black-gloved hand to help me up, and I took it. He was completely composed, even his hair was perfectly in place. To be fair, I found out later that it's virtually impossible to mess up that hair.

I smiled too - I've always been a good loser, and anyway I hadn't expected to win this fight. "Guess I have a lot to learn, sir."

"You did well."

"Thank you, sir."

"But you also did not take every advantage."

"Sir?" I was confused.

"My eyes never left your face," Sephiroth said, smiling again. "You might have tried kicking me, to offer one example."

"Commander Hewley told you about that, sir?"

"That's a lot to ask of a cadet, General," Commander Lefler said. "You know how they look up to you."

Malakh would probably be directing his stare downward, I thought, and quickly said, "I promise I'll kick you next time, sir."

The faint smile became almost a smirk. "You will try, you mean."

"Yes, sir."

"Good. You should call it a night, Fair, I believe you've had enough. You will want to be awake for the test tomorrow."

Sephiroth nodded to me and Moray, turned and swept out, followed by the slight billow of his black coat and the footsteps of Commander Lefler. Once they were gone I turned to Moray, who was grinning with amazement.

"Wow. I've never seen him talk so much to a cadet, much less spar."

"It was hardly a spar, he just blocked everything I did. And I'm sure it was only because he and Commander Hewley are friends."

"Maybe. C'mon, Zack, you look exhausted."

"Were you really going easy on me?"

Moray looked embarrassed. "Not intentionally. But yeah, maybe."

"I'm sorry. If I had known - "

"I wouldn't have wanted you to do anything differently. Listen to the general. Take every advantage."

"It doesn't seem very honorable."

"No wonder Angeal worries about you." Moray shook his head and put his arm around my shoulders. "Win first, then you can be honorable. Let's go, before you collapse and I'm tempted to take advantage, heh."

__

zfzfz

As tired as I had been, I emerged from the shower refreshed and awake. Knowing I wouldn't be ready to sleep for awhile, I sat down in my room and spread the papers Moray had given me over my desk. Copies of five autopsy reports, all apparently saying - in complicated medical jargon - "They've lost blood but aren't injured. I'm stumped". Two were sign by Dr. Linzman, three by Dr. Harding. Whatever this was, it was beyond the expertise of the heads of the medical department. I wondered if anyone had tried consulting Hollander or Hojo.

The rest of the packet seemed to be photocopied inter-office memos simply stating each victim's name, occupation, date of death, and the location where the body was found. Each sheet bore a stamp at the top - "Security Clearance Class One". I wasn't sure if that meant 1st Class or something else, but it definitely meant I wasn't supposed to see them. I hoped this would never be found out. I would get in trouble, of course, but not as much as Moray.

I took out the most basic map of the Compound, the one Kono and I had been using, and wrote the eight other names on it in the location where each body had been discovered. Thompson, along the western wall, in between the White Building and the 1st Class Quad. Itekai, by the eastern wall, behind the Old Building. Lowland, on the southern side of the White Building, an area adjacent to the southwestern fields. Addison, in front of the 1st Class Quad. Everett, behind the Cadet Building. Gardiner, in front of the Old Building. Nichols I already had placed, but the report confirmed it - at the northern entrance to the Compound, on the west side of the road. Aturo, the southwestern side of the building which housed storage and maintenance and the Compound's security center, not far from the woods where Angeal's clearing was. And Selwin, those woods themselves, "laid out in the exact center of an ovular, man-made clearing". My hunch had been right.

Some of these places seemed random - the security center building, the Cadet Building, the northern gate. But the others were places one could easily associate with Angeal. The White Building, the 1st Class Quad, the Old Building that contained the science labs. Of course, except for the clearing, you could also tie Genesis to these places.

But he's Angeal's friend, I told myself. Even if he has a grudge over something, would a man Angeal calls friend actually kill innocent people? And why? Aside from maybe Selwin, I doubted Angeal knew any of them. And if he suspected Genesis, old friend or no, wouldn't he be trying to stop him? Wouldn't ShinRa? The deaths had stopped, but still...

I took out the copy I'd made of Kono's incomplete victim list and rewrote it with the information I now had, in chronological order.

**1 - Aturo, Shuichi -- member of cleaning staff -- February 3  
2 - Nichols, Albert -- delivery van driver -- April 25  
3 - Gardiner, Lee -- maintenace man -- July 1  
4 - Everett, Henry -- mechanic -- September 6  
5 - Addison, Stone -- member of cleaning staff -- October 11  
6 - Lowland, Dean -- groundskeeper -- November 1  
7 - Itekai, Junsei -- security guard -- November 18  
8 - Thompson, Garret -- security guard -- December 2  
9 - Selwin, James -- SOLDIER 3rd Class -- December 24**

**That was odd. It seemed like the murders (I was now fairly certain that's what they were) had been getting more frequent, and then they just stopped. Or were covered up better, a little voice in my head taunted me, but I couldn't speculate that far, I had to focus on the information available. Something else was bothering me about the list, something was trying to grab my attention, but I couldn't put my finger on it.**

**I relaxed my eyes and passed them over the block of data again and again. They kept getting drawn to the column of capital letters beside the column of numbers 1 through 9, and, shrugging, I figured it was worth a look. I placed my hand over the paper, covering everything but the first letter of each last name. What they spelled froze me in my seat.**

****ANGEALITS. ANGEAL, IT'S...** **

**"Gaia," I croaked out loud. Able to move now, I yanked my hand away, stumbled out of my chair and backed away from the desk. "Oh no. No, no..."**

**Secrecy was no longer an option. I couldn't take the chance of assuming someone besides me had noticed this clue, and it had to be a clue, it was too unlikely to be a coincidence. I would have to tell Angeal, whatever the consequences for me might be. If Genesis was behind all this, what he was doing or had done went far beyond a simple personal grudge.**

**__**

zfzfz

I don't know how I slept that night, as afraid and paranoid as I was feeling. Even in the darkness my eyes kept flickering over to the desk where the evidence of something awful lay, until I gathered it up and stuffed it hastily into the notebook I used for Tactics class. Then it was the shadows that bothered me, even though in the absence of light I couldn't see any; I knew they were there. They bothered me now that I suspected Genesis, they bothered me because Angeal wasn't close by, and I had grown to need him like I once needed my parents, though admittedly in a quite different way.

Finally I curled up in a fetal position beneath the blanket, my eyes tightly shut and a hand over my ear to keep the shadows and deceptive silence out. I dreamed I was a kid again, back home in Gongaga, being chased through the woods I used to play in by something I couldn't see and didn't dare try to look at. Just when I thought I couldn't run any further, that I was on the verge of collapse, I slammed straight into a broad, warm chest and arms that wrapped around me and made me feel safe. If I had really been a child still, I would have assumed it to be my father, but I knew by touch that it was Angeal.

Yeah, I know, the layers of psychology beneath that kinda unnerved me too. But the point is that it let me wake up with a smile, which is a good way to start the day, particularly a day that enfolded the way this one did.

Lt. Moray came for me at 10 a.m. and we walked to the labs. Ordinarily forbidden to go there, I had built them up in my mind as an eerie, forbidding place, very unlike the place I had gone to for mako tests the previous year. But they actually weren't bad. Both the medical and science sections were being used for the tests, the former as a waiting area and the latter for the actual administering of mako. Moray had explained to me that it would be just like last year. You get injected, lie down for about twenty minutes, and if your reaction is within acceptable parameters, you pass and get sent on your way. 2nd and 3rd Classes were assigned to patrol the dorms for the three days of testing to make sure no one had a delayed reaction, though I would be exempt from this, as I would have a 1st Class watching me.

"It's really a formality more than anything for second-years," Moray assured me as we reached the medical lab entrance. "No one's reaction changes from good to bad or vice versa. You'll be fine, there's nothing to worry about."

Everyone had to check in at the front desk set up at the entrance. Once you presented your I.D., the man at the desk would call up your file on the computer. If it declared you to be healthy enough to test, you were assigned a number (mine was F-1) and sent into the waiting area. Chairs had been provided, but a lot of people were sitting on the floor or even leaning against the wall and sleeping. It was the A through H group today, about forty-five of us. We would go in in groups of five, I knew, like last year. I hope it would be just like last year, maybe better. After all, at least now I knew what to expect.

Malakh waved me over from his seat in a corner, and Moray and I made our way there, Moray waving his hands dismissively and laughing "No, no, at ease" whenever a cadet jumped up and saluted. Briggs smirked at me, but he wasn't about to say anything in the presence of a 1st Class.

"Good morning, Lieutenant," Malakh said as we sat down. "Hi, Zack. Still in trouble for that fight, huh? Or is this a moral-support thing?"

"Both," Moray answered pleasantly. "Also an I'm-avoiding-patrol-duty-in-Midgar thing."

Malakh laughed. "Cool."

"Have you seen Kono?" I asked.

"Nah. I'm sure he's in there being helpful and making the rest of us look bad. I think I might puke just on the chance that he'll be the one cleaning it up."

"Wouldn't be the oddest reaction I've seen," Moray chuckled, and told Malakh the story he'd told me, about the cadet who thought he was a mermaid and Hojo as the Octopus King. Other cadets sitting near us must have heard the whole thing, because there was a lot of laughter when it was over. Malakh actually had tears in his eyes.

"Brilliant! I wonder if the general kept those photos."

"Doesn't seem like something he'd do," said a cadet named Chase.

He glanced at the lieutenant nervously, probably thinking he'd be reprimanded, but Moray only said, "I don't know. Sephiroth has a sense of humor, just not one that many people get to see."

Cadets are kind of in awe of 1st Classes in general, but the ones who heard this were even more so to hear someone so casually call Sephiroth by name and ascribe to him such a human characteristic. Even Malakh looked impressed, and he was a laid-back guy.

"Got any more funny stories, Lieutenant?"

"Now that I've got an audience, I think I can dig some out of my memory."

"Wouldn't the mermaid-guy be annoyed that you tell people something so embarrassing about him?" I said to Moray, smiling.

"Eh, he'll never know. Last I heard, when he couldn't get into SOLDIER he left Midgar to breed chocobos."

"Ugh, I hate chocobos," Cadet Andrews groaned.

"I hate breeders," Malakh said, winking at me.

A lot of us had brought books or homework to pass the time, but hardly anyone read or studied. Moray held court for hours as the groups went into the science lab, and though his audience got smaller as time passed, we continued to laugh appreciatively and sometimes hysterically as he told us bizarre, supposedly true stories about his years at ShinRa. When the tales involved 1st Classes he changed the names, but sometimes not enough. I think we all knew that the Commander Snefler who got chased three miles by a Berserked chocobo was actually Commander Lefler. We took a short break when the cafeteria staff brought us lunch at 12:30, but then Moray jumped right back into the stories. He seemed to have an endless supply, even more than the ones he had already told me.

I wish I could remember more of them. It's strange. My memory has always been good for detail, whether the event in question was happy or traumatic. Those few hours in the med lab were good ones; even cadets who normally ignored or frowned at me seemed to think I wasn't so bad to have a 1st Class like Moray as a friend. Maybe it just hurts too much to remember Moray. I know it does.

My group was called in at about 2 p.m. We were the last, F-1 through H-2. The man who came to the door for us was an average-sized, unpleasant-looking man in a white lab coat, with glasses, a severe expression and a dark ponytail. I didn't recognize Hojo until I was close enough to see his nametag. I had met him the year before, of course, but you try to forget Hojo if you possibly can. One of the most persistent rumors about Sephiroth was that he'd been raised by Hojo, and I'd had that confirmed by Angeal. No wonder the general didn't smile much.

I was first to the door - not alone, unsurprisingly - and Hojo frowned at the lieutenant who was beside me. "This procedure and its results are both confidential, requiring privacy for the subjects," he said in his high, eerie voice. "You'll have to wait here."

"I'm not supposed to leave his side," Moray said, softly but stubbornly.

I could feel the cadets behind us looking at me curiously, and made a hasty decision. "I'm sure Commander Hewley wouldn't mind, sir. It won't be long."

"Well...all right." Moray didn't look entirely convinced as he went back to his seat.

The science lab room we entered was bright with stark, cold light that I don't like to remember now. Spread out over the middle of it were five tall cots, with a tray of medical instruments next to each. Kono was setting them up; he smiled at me and nodded. Hojo directed us each to a cot, me to the first one, where Dr. Hollander was waiting. I sat down a bit nervously, listening to Malakh murmur teasing insults at Kono.

"Hello, Fair," Hollander said. "Ready?"

"Yes, Doctor."

"Your previous reaction was minimal, it shouldn't be any different this time."

There were two syringes on the tray his hand was moving toward, one filled with the luminescent green I knew to be mako, the other with something clear.

"Hold out your left arm," he said, and he reached for the clear one.

"Um, sir, what is that?"

"Just another dose of the antibiotic I gave you for Gongagan Fever. A precaution, to make sure any traces of it left behind won't interfere with your reaction to the mako."

"Oh. Okay." That sounded reasonable.

I looked away as he injected it, squeamish at the sight of needles piercing skin. Across the room, Hojo was about to test Cadet Highcliff (they started at opposite ends and worked their way to the middle, I guess), and Malakh was being his usual fearless self, probably just to watch Kono's eyes bulge.

"So, Doctor, what was the general like as a kid?"

"Well-behaved, for the most part."

Hollander was injecting the mako now, and I looked away again. There was always something unnatural about having something that color put into your body, I thought. He took my pulse when he was done and shone a light into each of my eyes, then made a few notes on a chart.

"How do you feel, Cadet?"

I had expected a little dizziness, a little disorientation, just like last time. What I was feeling was a weakness sweeping over my body like a thick, warm blanket, much stronger than the kind I'd felt with Genesis but just as sudden.

"Cadet?"

I swayed and nearly fell forward. Hollander caught me and stretched me out on the cot, then lightly slapped my cheeks and checked my pulse again.

"Fair, how do you feel? Sleepy?"

"No...everything feels heavy."

"This doesn't make sense," Hollander muttered to himself.

"Hey, is he okay?" I heard Malakh say.

"Remain still, Cadet, he's fine," Hojo said coolly. "What is it, Hollander? A relapse of the fever?"

"Can't be, he's not warm."

"Probably the last remaining trace of fever interacting with the mako. Put him in the next room to rest, and I'll page Dr. Linzman when we're through here."

Hollander didn't seem so sure, but he wheeled the cot through a nearby door into a larger, dimmer room, filled with padded metal examining tables and a lot of complicated-looking machinery. He took a blanket from somewhere and spread it over me, smiling uneasily and patting my hand beneath it.

"Rest, Fair, and give the antibiotic a little time to work. You'll be back to normal before you know it."

He left, still looking nervous. Maybe ten or fifteen minutes passed, though it's hard to tell now, as it was then. I was pretty sure this wasn't Gongagan Fever or a mako reaction. I was so weak I could barely twitch my fingers, but I didn't feel tired, at least not much, and what tiredness there was felt unnatural. My head felt kind of fuzzy, but I could still think pretty clearly, no worse than I'd been able to after my first mako injection. But reactions weren't supposed to change at all unless the dosage does. So what was this?

"Angeal's puppy. I have you to myself at last."

The amused, idle voice came from somewhere nearby, and it was one I knew, though only from a single meeting. I panicked as much as I could in this forced, relaxed state that resisted tension, and with great effort managed to turn my head in the direction the voice had come from.

Genesis was approaching me, his steps so even and steady that he almost seemed to be floating. He was smiling, but in a hungry, not friendly, way, and as I futilely tried to sit up he shook his head and made a "tsk, tsk" sound.

"No, Puppy, no. You don't have the strength for that."

"What...did you do?"

"It's not what I did, it's what your dear mentor did. He always liked to touch pretty things." His cold hands cupped my face, and he smirked as I tried to squirm away. "And you are so very lovely."

"Don't."

"Ssh, no need to be afraid. I only want to play." Genesis picked up the hem of the blanket and pulled it down to my waist. "Mean Angeal hasn't been sharing his toys. That's very naughty of him."

I'm not his toy, I wanted to say, but what came out was, "Did you kill them?"

"I'm a SOLDIER, I've killed a lot of people." He placed a hand on my chest, rubbing slow circles over my heart, and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "I need this beating faster, lovely. How about it, will you play with me?"

"No!"

His lips were against my jaw now, slowly working their way lower. "Don't be shy, you'll like my game. It feels so good..."

Genesis tilted my head to put his face against my neck and began to kiss me there. His cold mouth and hands slipping beneath my shirt made me shiver.

"Mmm, I'm going to enjoy this, lovely. Do you play like this with Angeal? Do you want to pretend I'm him?"

"I don't...he doesn't..."

"Oh, he must, he's not the saint he pretends to be," Genesis whispered. He drew back to look down at me, and that strange reddish light I had seen before slowly began to come into his eyes. "Does he tell you it's for your own good? Does he give you any reasons at all? Does your heart beat for him the way it's beginning to beat for me?"

His hand drifted beneath the blanket, beneath my pants. "What does he do, lovely? Does he touch you here? Does he suck you and make you come in his mouth?"

I wasn't hard, but my breathing was getting heavier and louder, and I could feel my heart begin to pound. Genesis smiled and seemed to be listening for a moment, as though he could hear it. His cool hand released me and burrowed deeper inside my uniform, and I cried out in terror and tried to move away again as the tip of his finger slipped just inside me.

"Has Angeal fucked you yet? He hasn't. Good, very good. He's afraid to claim you entirely, but I'm not. Would you like to be taken hard or gently?"

I closed my eyes, holding back tears, hoping that I would wake up to find this was all a nightmare. I couldn't move, my limbs were all too heavy, and my chest was starting to hurt from the rapid, anxious beating of my heart. To my great relief, the finger probing me withdrew, but Genesis wasn't done with me. My head was turned again so that I looked past him, and his other hand pulled at my collar. I felt first his breath on my neck, then his tongue.

"Why?" I whimpered.

"He took what I wanted. It's my turn to take what he wants. Mmm, I think you're ready for me now. Let's play, lovely."

Something was about to happen. Just then, I heard angry voices beyond the door.

**To be continued!**


	11. All Your Demons

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 11 - All Your Demons**

 

Genesis must have heard them too. "Fuck," he whsipered angrily. He turned my head again to face him and stared through me with his glowing eyes. "If you tell him I touched you, the deaths will begin again. Remember that, little puppy."

He stepped away and leaned back against one of the examining tables, and the red light faded from his eyes, replaced by the more subtle brightness of mako. I looked back to the door just in time to see it open, and a small crowd of bodies beyond the doorway. Angeal pushed past them all - I almost cried, I was so glad to see him - and he was by my side before I could blink. He touched my face and urgently said my name, and I looked up and tried to smile.

"You see, Angeal, he's perfectly fine," Dr. Hollander's voice insisted, sounding harassed.

"I'll be the judge of that." Angeal's stare left me and looked up, and I could tell he spotted Genesis by the narrowing of his eyes and the fury he spat into the next word he spoke. "You."

"Me, Angeal?" Genesis said innocently. "I left a book in here and came to get it, and stayed to make sure the cadet was all right. This room used to frighten us when we were boys, do you remember?"

"If you've laid a finger on him, I'll - "

"I wouldn't do that," Genesis said. "What reason would I have? You can ask him if you won't take the word of your oldest friend."

Angeal looked at me again, frowning, probably able to feel me trembling as he cupped my face. "Zack?"

"He didn't do anything, sir," I said, sickened by the need to lie to Angeal. "He just...said hello and asked if I was okay."

My mentor continued to look tense and angry. He turned my head from side to side, pulled my collar down, and ran his fingertips up and down my neck. I didn't know what he was expecting to find, or how he knew to look there.

"Genesis," Hollander was saying, "how did you get in here? That outer door was locked."

"No, it wasn't, Doctor. Perhaps you forgot to secure it?" Genesis suggested politely.

"I...I was sure I..."

"Moray," Angeal said tersely, "check the door on the far wall. See if the lock's been forced."

"You see, Sephiroth? He doesn't trust me at all."

"You leave him out of this!"

"It's all right, Angeal," a low voice said calmly. The general was here too?

"Heh heh, you three never change," Hojo said with amusement. "Still the same as you were years ago."

"Sir," Moray called as he jogged back toward us, "the lock isn't damaged. The door appears to have been left unocked."

"Hollander." Angeal's voice, though quetioning, was deadly, almost a growl.

"What, do you think I left it open on purpose? How could I know Genesis would come in here, or that Fair would have such an odd reaction to the mako?"

"Fair's previous exposure to mako resulted in different symptoms," Sephiroth said pensively. "It seems likely, therefore, that his current state may be attributed to some other cause."

"Traces of Gongagan Fever, perhaps, as I suggested earlier," Hojo volunteered, sounding disinterested in the whole thing.

"But he's recovered from that," Hollander argued, and I recall thinking he was genuinely distraught. "I only gave him the antibiotic first as a precaution."

"Maybe it was something else you injected him with," Angeal said coldly. "Something that looked similar, yet instead produces a sedative effect."

"Angeal, why would I do such a thing? To anyone, much less your apprentice?"

"Was the syringe out of your sight at all between the time you filled it and the time you administered it?"

"Hojo and I left the room for a few moments, that's all. I was with him all day!"

"True," Hojo said idly. "It was only a few moments. And we were right by the door. If you are thinking Genesis snuck in and switched syringes or some such nonsense, think again. We would have seen him."

"Angeal," Sephiroth said, coming closer and speaking reasonably, "I know you are upset. But the fact is that we have no evidence that Genesis did anything wrong."

"I want Zack's blood tested, immediately."

"Of course, I'll do it myself," Hollander offered.

"No. Moray, go to the front desk. Ask Lieutenant McNally to page Dr. Linzman."

"Yes, sir."

"Angeal." Hollander's voice was pleading. "Perhaps I did forget to secure that door, but I did not do anything to harm the cadet. Why would I? Why would Genesis? The two of you were like brothers once."

Angeal didn't say anything. He was running one open hand over my hair, which felt nice, but I was kind of surprised that he would do this in front of other people. Of course, I wasn't about to complain. Whatever the circumstances, I was just glad to have him back.

"Doctor," Sephiroth was asking, "would anyone else have had private access to the medical instruments in that room?"

"Cadet Yamura, for a moment or two, but he's trustworthy, ask any officer."

I tried to shake my head, though Angeal hushed me and held me still. "Not Kono. He's my friend."

"Yamura did seem worried about Fair," Hojo added.

"Would you ask Yamura if he saw anything strange, Doctor?" Sephiroth asked quietly.

"Of course."

I think we all breathed a silent sigh of relief when Hojo was gone. Even before I knew what he was capable of, being in his presence gave me a creepy feeling. 

"Satisfied yet, Angeal?" Genesis said softly. "Why must you try to cast me as the villain? Is it to make yourself the hero? The truth is, you've done some pretty unheroic things."

"And you haven't?" Angeal growled.

"Boys, boys!" Hollander said sharply. "That's enough."

"I've survived, no more. And you were the one who betrayed me, remember?"

"Genesis," Sephiroth broke in, "please."

"Of course, Seph. I'm sorry."

"Dr. Linzman is on his way, sir." Moray's voice, he must have just come back in. "He can do the analysis right away."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"May I offer some advice, Lieutenant?" Genesis said coldly. "It's not very nice to glare like that at a superior officer."

"Moray," Angeal said, an obvious warning.

Footsteps came closer, growing louder before they halted, and I saw Moray's face above me, opposite Angeal's. He put his hand over mine and observed me with concern; he too seemed not to care what the others might think.

"Zack, are you all right?"

"Yes, sir. Just can't really move."

"I'm sorry, Commander. I should have been with him, I should have insisted - "

"It wasn't your fault, Lieutenant."

This is my fault, I thought, now I have to lie to both of you. I closed my eyes and let my head fall into Angeal's hand, unable to stop his fingers when they wiped the tears from my face, the physical proof of my guilt. I heard Dr. Linzman come in, offer murmured greetings to all, and say "You'll feel just a tiny prick, Cadet", as he laid my arm out flat.

"How long, Doctor?"

"Not very, Commander. It will go faster if I know what I'm looking for."

"A sedative, probably one used in these labs."

I opened my eyes to see Dr. Linzman nod and walk away. "I can call you, Commander."

"Thank you."

Genesis spoke up, tapping his fingers casually on the metal side of the table he leaned against. "I heard that Cadet Fair was recently involved in a fight with another cadet. Fair's position as Angeal's apprentice must make him the object of a lot of jealousy. It may be worth considering that another cadet might have slipped Fair something, hoping to make it look like a bad mako reaction."

"That is entirely possible, Angeal." Dr. Hollander sounded almost hopeful, eager to have his name cleared. "If the blood sample yields evidence that Fair was drugged, it would've had to happen a short time before he began to show symptoms. The cadets had lunch together in the waiting area at twelve-thirty, so many people, something could have been slipped into food or drink without Fair noticing."

"I was with Fair the whole time," Moray said. "Between myself and Cadet Highcliff, we should know the names of everyone who was sitting nearby."

"At your earliest convenience, Lieutenant, I'll ask you to give these names to Commander Lefler," Sephiroth said. "Should Dr. Linzman find something, that is..."

There weren't many of us left in the room, but I was feeling more uncomfortable with each passing second. I didn't like being talked about and not to, and I hated the sense of everyone's eyes on me, Genesis's especially. I tried to turn toward Angeal but couldn't, tried to slide closer to him but couldn't get very far. He must have picked up on this.

"Dr. Hollander, is Zack in danger of any other symptoms?"

"They would have manifested already if they were going to. Best thing for him is to rest. If this weakness was caused by a drug, it will take a few hours to work its way out of his system."

"I'm taking him back to the apartment, then."

"I should warn you, sir," Moray cautioned, "the other cadets know something's happened with Zack and a lot of them are lingering outside the lab and in the hallways, waiting for news. I tried to tell them everything's fine, but..."

"It seems you require a diversion, Angeal," Sephiroth said. "Genesis, do you have your sword with you?"

"Of course. Northwestern fields?"

"I think so. Is it cloudy enough?"

"Yes, it's fine," Genesis said quickly.

Sephiroth swept toward the door back into the smaller lab room, pausing to clap his hand on Angeal's shoulder. "Give us five minutes," he said, then looked at me. "Feel better, Cadet."

"Thank you, General."

He disappeared and Genesis followed closely, turning back only to offer an indecipherable smile. I remember that he seemed very pleased to be treated as a friend by Sephiroth; apparently it was only Angeal he had a problem with. What could those two be planning to do? At least Genesis was unlikely to hurt anyone in the presence of Sephiroth, to whom he seemed eager to appear innocent. I looked at Angeal questioningly.

"They are going to begin a public spar," he explained. "Word of it will spread like wildfire and all will flock to the fields. This way you'll be spared the indignity of the entire cadet corps. seeing you carried around by the gruff Commander Hewley."

"I can walk," I grumbled, though even sitting up was impossible.

"You three used to do that as children," Hollander said sadly. "Two of you would start a fight to distract our attention from the movements or misbehavior of the third."

"That was ten years ago, Doctor."

"You've remained the same more than you've changed, though," Hollander murmured.

Angeal didn't respond to that, he didn't look at anything but me, with a soft, probing stare that seemed to go right through me and expose the lie Genesis had made me tell. His hand cupped my face and I turned into it again, brushing his skin with my eyelashes as I closed my eyes and tried to pretend none of this had happened. He seemed to understand. When his other hand reached out to run over my hair, the way he curved his arm over me made me feel almost hidden from this eerie place.

Not entirely, however. I could feel Hollander staring - not impolitely, merely in surprise - and wondered vaguely what he was thinking, what assumption Angeal's odd behavior might be leading him to. Did he think of Angeal the way Kono had thought of that Turk commander, Tseng? Or was it usual for mentors to be so protective and caring with their apprentices? The pairing was made so rarely in SOLDIER, I wasn't sure if there was a "normal" way to exist in either role.

Moray's voice came from over by the door whose lock he had checked earlier; I guess he had gone out into the nearest hallway for a moment. "Everyone's headed somewhere in an awful rush, Commander. The halls have emptied."

"Soon, then. We'll give them another minute to clear the Main Courtyard."

"Angeal," Hollander said, his voice hinting that he could no longer hold back what he was about to express, "I know you are reluctant to trust Genesis and I understand that. But I'm telling you, the new drug works."

Angeal's arms tensed, and he shifted a little closer to me, though he didn't seem to realize it. "That's enough, Doctor."

"Wutai was a test, and all the evidence we have says he passed it! No suspicious deaths reported! That impulse has been suppressed!"

"Doctor," Angeal hissed, "you are saying things that should not be spoken aloud."

"I...yes, excuse me. But Angeal, you are persisting in seeing a part of Genesis that no longer exists, why? Whatever this grudge is between the two of you, is it so important that you cannot let it go?"

"He is the who will not let it go, and I will not say any more. Lieutenant."

I opened my eyes and looked around as Angeal spoke. Hollander was pale and seemed defeated, weary. Moray only managed to close his mouth when my mentor addressed him.

"S-Sir."

"What you've heard does not leave this room."

"Yes, sir."

"Go to Dr. Linzman, stay with him until he's finished the analysis. Make sure nothing interrupts him." Moray must have looked reluctant. "Zack will be fine, I've got him."

"Yes, sir."

"Relax, Zack. We'll be home soon."

Angeal drew the blanket back up to my shoulders, tucked it around me, and slipped one arm under my knees and the other beneath my back. I must have been nearly dead weight, but he didn't seem to feel it, just lifted me up and adjusted me to a comfortable position. I loved being so close to him, having my head against his shoulder. But I knew what I should be feeling, as a sixteen-year-old being held like a baby, and tried half-heartedly to do what was expected.

"Cadet, stop attempting to squirm," Angeal said with a trace of amusement.

"Pffft."

"Saying 'Pffft' won't change anything."

"It makes me feel better."

I knew no SOLDIER of any class or ShinRa employee of any position would willingly miss the rare chance to see Sephiroth duel, so I was pretty sure the chances of Angeal and I running into anyone were slim. Even so, I closed my eyes as we left the labs and headed out the front doors of the Old Building.

It was eerie to hear the Compound so quiet. The only noise was faint and far to the northeast, from the fields that were no doubt surrounded by awestruck cadets, officers and executives. I was relieved - no one seemed to be around to witness my undignified position.

It was almost a straight line to walk from the Old Building to the White, requiring only a sharp right turn once you pass the Lesser Courtyard. Since I had my eyes shut, it was only by this turning movement that I knew we were almost there. It was then that Angeal suddenly halted, and I tensed a little as footsteps approached. Angeal squeezed my arm gently, I guess to tell me it was okay.

"Commander Hewley," a steady, business-like voice said in greeting. "You're not joining the crowd to watch your friends in action."

"Nor are you, Commander Tseng," Angeal said neutrally.

Tseng, Tseng of the Turks? I was curious, but not quite enough to open my eyes and become part of the conversation.

"Not by choice, I assure you. Commander Rhapsodos and General Sephiroth deciding so suddenly to spar in public is very out-of-character for both of them, and that is sufficiently suspicious to attract our attention. I have Turks deployed all around the Compound," Tseng said, and there was a hint of warning in his tone. "The president was reminded of the method you, the commander and the general favored years ago."

"Nothing is going on."

"I think I understand." I felt Tseng's eyes on me. "Is your student all right?"

"Yes, thank you," Angeal said. "I would appreciate your discretion, Commander."

"Of course, Commander. Reno, that goes for you too."

"Yeah, yeah," another voice answered, male, around my age, I thought, but very bored and cynical. The way a smirk might sound. "I got it, I didn't see nothin'. Just like I didn't see you staring at Cissnei's - "

"You have my sympathies, Commander Hewley," Tseng interrupted. "The roles we've recently found ourselves in are similar, I believe."

"Indeed. Good day, Commander."

"And to you, Commander."

I chose to keep my eyes closed on the elevator. I was okay riding the thing by then, but only because I had learned to keep steady on my own two feet while it moved. Being off my feet and going up brought up some of that old uneasiness again. I took in a deep breath and didn't let it out until Angeal stepped onto the 13th floor and carried me to the apartment door, shifting me to one arm for a moment so he could get out his keycard.

With a sinking, sad feeling, I realized he was going to put me down soon. I pressed my face to his shirt as subtly as I could manage and breathed him in while I had the chance. I didn't look until he had gently deposited me on my bed and was removing my boots. The silence was mostly comfortable with him, and everything I needed to say wasn't, but if he thought I was asleep he would probably leave, and I couldn't stand that at the moment. I felt like I'd been alone for weeks, not just a day.

"Sir."

"I know you're awake, Zack."

"Was that Tseng of the Turks, before?"

"Yes."

I was deciding whether or not I should ask about the other, the one Tseng had called Reno, but the words dissolved in my throat as Angeal unfastened my uniform pants and began to slide them down. Half of me reacted with nervous with glee, the rest with nervous confusion.

"Sir?"

"I need to check for something, Zack. No questions just now, all right?"

I lay limp (not that it was hard in my condition) and obediently allowed him to strip me down to my underwear. Speaking of limp and hard, I wasn't noticeably either yet, but I knew that would change pretty quickly, especially when Angeal's hands began to touch me, beginning with my face and working downward. He turned my head from side to side and made another, more detailed examination of my neck and shoulders. He lifted each of my arms and rotated them, then moved his fingers and eyes up and down my legs. He even looked at my hands, spreading my fingers apart and peering in between them, then asked me to stick out my tongue - something he usually made a disapproving noise at me for.

At last, he seemed satisfied, and he brought me a set of my civilian clothes, which cadets are allowed to wear on Sundays and other days without classes and duties. He began to put them on me as casually and methodically as he had taken the others off.

"Do you have something against my uniform, sir?" I joked.

"Hmm," he said, sounding amused. "Jealousy, perhaps. I never got to wear one myself."

"I don't think they make them big enough for you, or I'd suggest you get one. They're pretty comfortable."

Angeal lifted the top half of my body up to slip a green shirt over my head. Then he grabbed my desk chair, brought it close to the bed, and sat down. Oh, crap. He had his we-need-to-talk face on.

"Um, how was the mission? You came back early, sir, didn't you?"

"Our presence there was not as urgently required as we were led to believe. I will tell you about it later, perhaps. Zack, what happened?"

I still couldn't move much, though it was easier to move my fingers now, so I toyed with the blanket beneath me, stalling for time. I knew he was probably referring to the few moments I'd been alone with Genesis, but I played dumb.

"I don't know, sir. After the injections I felt really weak all of a sudden, and I couldn't move."

Angeal looked thoughtful for a moment. "Like you were relaxed, but frozen?"

"Uh-huh."

His mouth curved into a tight frown. "I see. But I want to know what happened with Genesis."

"I...told you, sir."

Gaia, it was the worst time to not be able to move. I was never good at lying, probably because I always hated doing it. And lying to Angeal made me feel sick, even worse than the effects of Bio1. I got a nauseous, churning sensation in my stomach, my heavy limbs began to tremble, and no matter how much I blinked I couldn't get the tears out of my eyes. I felt like a baby, on top of everything else. A stupid, lovesick kid, at least - how could he see me as anything else?

"Zack, why are you lying to me? It upsets you so much."

I couldn't deny it. He would have been well within his rights to punish me for insubordination, terminate my apprenticeship, even threaten me with expulsion. He did none of these, and that made me feel worse. Angeal slid over to sit on the bed, carefully lifted me up and held me against his chest, where his arms anchored me to the sound of his heartbeat.

"This isn't fair," I whispered.

"That I know you like being held and I am using it against you?"

"Yeah."

"You are the one who gave me this information. Perhaps you wouldn't make a good Turk after all."

"Thank you," I said quietly. "Why aren't you mad at me?"

"Because I know how honorable you are. You would not refuse to tell me something unless you had a good reason," Angeal said. "My guess would be that you are protecting someone. But it's my job to protect you. I can't do that unless I know as much as you can tell me."

His fingers were combing through my hair, tracing lines down my scalp. I remember thinking, in a weird, out-of-time panic - I will never love anyone the way I love you. There was something devastating in that, like a piece of me had died. Or grown up.

"Sir, did you know Genesis was killing them?"

His hand froze, but just for a moment, and I felt the sigh in his chest. "I thought it was him. I - We weren't sure until Lieutenant Selwin."

"Why didn't ShinRa do anything?"

"Hollander and Hojo were working on a way to drug that part of Genesis out of him. The executives weren't too concerned about the deaths of a few grounds employees, though the publicity made them uneasy," Angeal said, with a touch of disgust. "The drug they came up with was not through preliminary testing when Selwin was found. We hushed up his death, but the president was frantic, he must have imagined the program and his empire collapsing under public outcry. He ordered Genesis be started on the drug at once."

"Dr. Hollander mentioned Wutai," I remembered.

"Wutai was the drug's trial. Genesis was there for nearly three months, with Hollander going once a week to administer the treatment, and mako, of course. There were no suspicious deaths or disappearances during that time, and the SOLDIERs who were with Genesis reported no odd behavior."

"But you didn't believe it?"

"I had doubts. Genesis is cunning. Killing is not the only way for him to feed."

I thought I must have misheard Angeal. "Did you say 'feed'?"

"Yes, I did. Genesis drinks blood, Zack."

**To be continued!**


	12. One and the Same

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 12 - One and the Same**

 

It was like Angeal had begun speaking Wutainese. Drinks blood? I took a few moments of silence to process that, but it still seemed unbelievable.

"Blood? You mean - "

"Human blood. Yes." With effort, I tilted my head up, and Angeal looked down at me solemnly, assuring me it was not a joke. "Have you ever heard of the Cetra?"

"From stories. They're also called the Ancients."

"Surviving legends tell us that the Cetra were mostly wiped out by an alien being they called the Calamity From the Skies. And that before their decline, some of the Cetra were infected by this Calamity with a sort of virus that made them thirst for the blood of their own kind. They were driven to hunt one another for sustenance, and in this way forced to bring about their own extinction."

The idea was chilling, horrifying. People feeding from members of their own race, preying upon their friends and neighbors like wild animals.

"Is this...what happened to Genesis?"

"I don't know why Genesis is the way he is. I have only told you about the Cetra to show you that such things have existed in the past. It was hard for us, too, to accept what Genesis has become."

By "us", I assumed he meant first and foremost himself and Sephiroth, then - to a lesser extent - Hojo and Hollander.

"So, Genesis wasn't always like this?"

"I don't believe so, no. When he was about sixteen, I noticed that Hollander was giving Genesis extra treatments for something, though he and I had previously always been administered the mako together. When I asked the doctor about it, he said he was treating Genesis for blood defficiency, the same condition my mother has. At the time, I accepted this. Then Sephiroth and I began to find dead animals in the woods." Angeal shook his head. "Genesis said he couldn't help it, and we believed him. I think Sephiroth still does."

"But you don't, sir."

"I don't think it's Genesis's fault he became what he is. But he can subsist on animal blood, Hollander began importing it from butchers for just that purpose. He does not need to feed from humans or to kill, he merely enjoys it. I told you, once, that I have a hard time understanding that."

"Me too," I said quietly. "Do you think Hollander did this to Genesis? Is that why you don't like him?"

"Hollander was seemingly distraught when he learned of Genesis's nature, and he worked himself almost into a breakdown developing the drug to suppress Genesis's predatory impulse. He may have caused it, I don't know. If he did, I doubt he did it purposely."

"Hollander seemed upset before, that you didn't believe him."

Angeal nodded. "Genesis had access to a door that should have been locked and a medication only the doctors may acquire. And Hollander is weak-willed."

I worried Angeal was trying to work the conversation back to his question, so I quickly diverted it. "But if the same mako dose and everything was given to all three of you, why did this only happen to Genesis?"

"That's a good question, Zack," he murmured, resting his chin lightly on my hair. "One I have not yet answered. Maybe it has to do with his nature. He always had a layer of jealousy and anger in his personality, even a touch of cruelty, but he used to suppress it, or at least apologize when he failed to. Five years ago, he changed. Looking back, I think he might have killed humans then, long before we suspected animal blood didn't satisfy him. But he used to prowl the slums of Midgar then, where a few extra bodies aren't likely to be noticed."

"If he could do that, why the killings here, where people would notice?"

"I don't know."

"Sir...I think I might."

"Zack?"

"In my Tactics notebook, sir," I said reluctantly.

Angeal put me down and retrieved the notebook from my desk. I watched his face nervously as he opened it. The first thing he saw was the map, and the names of the victims written in the locations where their bodies were found.

"Yes, this occurred to me," he said slowly, probably wondering how I knew this information. "Most of the places are ones that have meaning to Genesis."

"The next paper, sir, the victim list."

Angeal turned to it, and I saw his eyes fix and widen. He'd seen the acronym the first letters of each of the victims' names spelled out, and his face went pale for a moment, his expression one of horrible realization that cannot be denied. He looked at me, then back to the notebook, then he didn't move for a few seconds. Angeal flipped through the other loose documents beneath those two, and he glanced back to me with a wary confusion.

"How did you obtain this information? These are Security Clearance Class One memos."

"I asked for them, it was only my fault."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, squinting his eyes shut like he was getting a headache. "Did he obtain them carefully, without being observed?"

"I think so. Please, sir..."

"I think I know who it was. Apparently he cannot say no to you."

"It was my fault," I repeated stubbornly.

Again, insubordination, and again, he wouldn't punish me. Instead his hand began to stroke my hair, and he looked at me with an expession I can't describe, except to say that I couldn't turn away from it, or even close my eyes.

"Should I tell you who I suspect, and make you say 'no' to protect him?" he said gently. "All I have to do is watch your face for pain and your eyes for tears. I see them already."

Angeal lifted me up and settled me back against his chest, my head resting on his shoulder. It took all the strength I had at the moment, but I got my arms around him and hooked my fingers into the back of his shirt. He didn't seem to mind.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"For avoiding my question?"

"Well...that too."

I thought I heard him laugh, briefly. "You've had a difficult few days, Zack. Also, if you were slipped the drug I suspect, I know it can make one less able to control emotions. Not that you're very good at it anyway."

"Ha, ha."

"Tell me what happened when you were alone with Genesis, and I will not speak to Moray about these documents."

"It's embarrassing, sir."

"I know, Zack."

I squeezed my eyes shut, hid my burning face in his shirt and mumbled every word and description of movement as dryly and emotionlessly as I could. Once he asked me to speak louder and another time slower, but otherwise he remained silent. It was torture having to tell him about such a humiliating experience. The only good thing about it was that he held me tighter while I did it. When I was finished, Angeal spoke, so quietly that I had to strain to hear him.

"I see."

"Was he just trying to scare me, sir?" I asked, hoping irrationally for an affirmative answer.

"He wanted you frightened, certainly. The faster the heart beats, the more blood it pumps, the easier it is for him to draw it out. But that doesn't mean he would not have done what he threatened, if he'd had time. Zack. I'm sorry."

"What? For what?"

Angeal didn't answer, and after a minute I realized he wasn't going to, so I tried another question. "I thought you said your mother was okay now. Is she sick again?"

"Hmm?"

"Before. You said she has a blood defficiency."

"Oh. Apparently it has recurred, though its effects are more pronounced now, at her age. She was old to bear a child when she became pregnant with me, and it was a hard delivery. She was never very strong, afterward."

I wanted to say I was sorry about that, but it didn't seem like the right thing - he hadn't said she was dying, after all. My other instinct at times like that was always to hug, and though Angeal was not the type to hug, he didn't seem to mind making exceptions for me. My arms had a little more energy now, so I used it to tighten them around him.

"Sir, the phrase doesn't mean anything yet."

"What's that, Zack?"

"It says 'Angeal, it's'. 'It's' what? Does this mean there will be more deaths?"

"Not if I can help it. But...I don't know," he said honestly.

"I can help. Let me help."

"You can follow my orders, that will be helpful. And you can cease the amateur sleuthing."

"Hey, I'm the one who found that clue! Besides, it's hard when you don't tell me anything." Figuring I had a good point, I decided to keep going. "Why do you think he's using their names to address you? Is it that thing he can't forgive you for?"

"Perhaps."

"Sir...that thing Genesis said to me just before you came in. That you took something he wanted, and so he was going to..."

It seemed, when I thought about it, that when Genesis mentioned the thing Angeal wanted, he was referring to me, but then the logical side of my brain - the part that never forgot Angeal was a 1st Class legend and I was a cadet, his student - would jump in and tell me I was only interpreting it the way I wanted to. Angeal was fond of me, I had no doubt of that. He was holding me, for Gaia's sake, and pretending it was a normal thing. But no, there had to be other, more practical reasons for the touching and caring and the kitchen ritual. Angeal always had reasons for what he did, everybody knew that.

The killjoy logical part of me was what made my voice trail off rather than suggest it, but just then Angeal slipped one of his hands under my shirt and began to run it up and down my side, and I couldn't have spelled 'logic' if you'd asked me to. I felt the pleasant warmth that his hands so easily brought out in me, and tried to press closer, though I was already tightly against him and could barely move anyway.

"Do you need to go?" Angeal whispered, and I shook my head, pleasantly surprised to find I could. "That's good, I'd have a tough time keeping you off that floor you're so fond of."

I laughed, giddy with the certainty that something was going to happen, even if it couldn't be in the usual place. Strangely, maybe, I wanted more than anything for him to kiss me, though I doubted he would. As intimate as Angeal was with me then, he also kept a certain distance between us. I wasn't allowed to do anything to him, I couldn't even look at him while we did it.

Sure enough, once he'd peeled me off himself and put me back on the bed, he smiled sadly at my pouting and said, "Eyes closed, and keep them that way."

"But - "

"Cadet."

I closed my eyes. For maybe a minute, nothing happened; maybe he was testing me. Then...yes! His hands were unzipping my jeans, sliding them down, with my underwear, almost to my knees. He nudged my legs apart a little, stroked my inner thighs with his fingers. It seemed like an eternity before he got there, plenty of time for me to get fully excited, if you know what I mean. When his thumb slowly brushed over the head, I made a needy whimpering noise that I'm still embarrassed to recall.

"Puppy," he murmured, and I moaned and weakly thrust up into his hand.

Frustratingly, it left that promising spot and Angeal took hold of my hips, massaging them but also keeping me still. The air, the kneading fingers, the sound of Angeal's breathing and the sense of his eyes drinking me in...I got even harder, which I hadn't thought possible. I needed whatever he was going to do and prayed he wouldn't draw it out much longer.

"Puppy." I gasped out an uneven breath and my head fell to the side. Gaia, the sound of that word in his voice. "What's wrong? Do you want to move?"

Angeal lifted my hips up a little, rolling them in a circle. "See, that won't do anything for you right now. Be patient."

I tried, I always tried to do what he told me to. It was arousing and exciting to be helpless in his hands (even more than usual) but frustrating. I couldn't stand it much longer, I needed all this heat and pressure out of me.

"Are they any different?" Angeal asked softly, relocating one hand for a moment to push my shirt up. "What I do, what he wants to do?"

"Yes," I groaned, annoyed and even angy that he could think such a thing. "Yes, yes, please..."

His lips pressed against my stomach. "You want this because I taught you to want it."

"No," I sniffled, tears evident in my voice, manipulative without meaning to be, "I want you, I'm sorry, but I..."

"Ssh, Puppy, it's all right. Keep your eyes closed and I'll give you what you need."

I need you, all of you, I wanted to shout, but all coherent thought left me as Angeal took me in his mouth. I'm not sure I can describe it at all. Technically I knew what he was doing, I understood what this was, but I couldn't have given a name to it, couldn't have fathomed that either it or I ever existed before that moment. It was warm and wet and Angeal's tongue was teasing me, encouraging the groans I made as his hands held me in place. And it hadn't even really started.

The noise I made when the suction began was somewhere between a whimper and a scream. It sounded almost hurt, maybe even frightened, but Angeal understood, and though he didn't go as fast as I wanted, he didn't stop. I squeezed my eyes almost painfully to keep them from flying open, shaking and moaning as I imagined how it must look. His head bobbing up and down between my legs, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into either side of my stomach. I don't know how he was able to swallow so much of me, but I felt completely consumed by him.

My panting turned into cries on every breath as Angeal lifted my hips and began to roll them again, essentially thrusting me in and out of his mouth. I wondered, afterward, if that's what having sex with a woman was like, because if so, I could understand why straight guys were obsessed with it. Angeal was sucking on only one part of me, but every part was connected, and my whole body was overcome with that pleasure. I felt like a bowl of water being jostled more and more violently, until at last it spills, and in that moment becomes something different. I did have a sense of becoming empty as Angeal drank what shot out of me, but it was an ecstatic emptiness, because I was giving it to him.

I remember he lay his head down on my thigh as my eyes closed again. Yes, I had opened them for a second, but not on purpose. It's just hard to keep them shut when they're rolling back into your head.

__

zfzfz

Angeal gently woke me just in time to walk me to dinner, and I found I could walk again, though my legs still felt just a bit wobbly. I wasn't hungry, but he said it would be best to let the other cadets see for themselves that I was okay. He was right, of course. To my surprise, a lot of my classmates nodded to me and expressed relief, not just Kono and Malakh. As Angeal ordered, I deflected their curious questions with a shrug and a vague comment about how little is known about the effects of mako on Gongagan Fever. I also told them I didn't know if I had been judged to pass the test or not. It didn't hurt to show them I wasn't immediately successful at everything.

Once he was satisfied that I was okay, Malakh turned the conversation to the duel between Sephiroth and Genesis, which he'd of course eagerly watched. His eyes were wide with amazement as he tried to describe it, but he didn't seem able to separate one move from another.

"Seriously, you wouldn't believe how fast they were! The general's sword was just a silver blur. I mean, Commander Rhapsodos was great too, but damn." Malakh paused to take a gulp of water. "Did you know Sephiroth can fly?"

"Shut up, Highcliff, he wasn't flying," said Cadet Chase, who was sliding into a seat beside me. "He was jumping."

"You can stay in the air that long when you jump?"

"No, but I'm not Sephiroth. Hey, Fair."

"Hi, Chase. So who won?"

"Ha, who do you think?" Malakh snickered. "Both played it cool, though. Once the commander was disarmed, he bowed, went and got his sword and headed to the White Building."

"He walked right by me," Chase said. "He looked kinda angry. And he was in a hurry, just trying to hide it."

"Why should he be upset?" Malakh asked. "Like it's a disgrace to lose to Sephiroth. He's unbeatable."

"What did the general do?" I asked.

"Heh, nothing out of character. He watched Commander Rhapsodos leave - I couldn't really see his expression, but who knows if he even had one on - then he looked at the ground, and just walked away. The whole crowd was cheering for him, and he didn't even glance at anyone. The 1st Classes cleared a path for him and kept everyone back, and he was gone."

"If I didn't know better," Chase said pensively, "I'd think he seemed sad."

"Sad?" Malakh scoffed. "If winning a fight made Sephiroth sad, he'd have hanged himself before he was our age."

"Malakh."

"What? Am I not allowed to talk about the general at all now? I thought I was only forbidden to talk about his really nice - "

"As far as we know," Chase interrupted, "the general is a human being. He probably does have feelings, even if we don't see them. Remember what Lieutenant Moray said? He said the general even has a sense of humor."

"Well, maybe Sephiroth's got emotions, but still, why would he be unhappy about winning?"

"Genesis is his friend," I said, and they looked at me strangely. It was not usual to hear a cadet call a 1st Class by his given name, except Sephiroth, of course. "They grew up together. Maybe Sephiroth felt bad about beating Genesis in front of all those people."

Chase nodded thoughtfully.

Malakh grinned. "I keep forgetting we've got someone with inside information among us. Spill what you know, Zack."

"I don't know anything more than that."

He didn't look convinced, but Chase spoke up before he could say anything else. "What's it like, getting to work with Commander Hewley? I mean, he's right up there, almost with the general."

I smiled, I couldn't help it. "It's great."

"Zack's got a lot of buddies in 1st Class," Malakh sighed. "Soon he'll forget all about us."

"Not soon enough," I joked.

"You hear that? Zack's breaking up with me. Will you hold me, Chase?"

"Not even if you were dangling off the roof of a building, Highcliff."

While they sniped back and forth, I took the opportunity to look at Kono, who was seated next to Malakh, stirring figure-eights into his nearly untouched soup. He was a quiet guy, generally, but he hadn't said a word beyond "Hi" and "Are you all right?" since I'd sat down. He was looking pale too, and like he was absorbed in thoughts that were unpleasant for him.

"Kono, are you okay?"

He looked up and smiled wanly. "I'm fine, Zack, thank you."

"Bullshit," Malakh said through a mouthful of stew. "You haven't been looking good lately, at all."

"It's just the increase in my medication," Kono insisted. "I'm adjusting to it, and it makes me tired. I'm still on restricted duty. Not for much longer, I hope."

"You wouldn't get in trouble for it," Chase said. "The instructors love you."

"I'm more worried about the training I'm missing."

"Trust me, Yamura," Malakh said, "if I graduate, you definitely will."

"It's the 'if' that worries me," Kono teased. Even smiling, he didn't look quite like himself.

I thought of something. "Dr. Hojo wasn't a jerk to you, was he?" I asked quietly.

"No, he just asked me if I'd seen anyone near the syringes, or anyone in the lab who wasn't supposed to be."

Kono seemed uncomfortable. Of course, I thought, if Hojo was unpleasant to him, he's not likely to say anything now. To just me and Malakh, maybe, but not a cadet he hardly knows. I'd hoped Chase and Malakh would miss this exchange, but they heard every word, and looked at me curiously.

"What really happened, Zack? Why would the docs want to know if someone was near the syringes?"

"I dunno. They don't know what happened yet, I guess they're being careful."

"I told Lieutenant Moray, when he sent for me, that someone should question Briggs. I know he wasn't sitting near us, but he's an asshole and I wouldn't put it past him to have slipped you something, somehow. Is that what they think happened?"

I shrugged as innocently as I could.

"Maybe it was you, Highcliff," Chase said with a smile. "You're, what, seventh in our class? You could be going after the top six one by one."

"Ah, but you're forgetting that I have no ambition. Besides, if I were gonna slip Zack anything, it would be Relaxil."

I picked a piece of carrot off my plate and threw it at him. Relaxil is one of the best-selling illegal substances in Midgar, and is also commonly known as 'the date-rape drug'. Kono stood up and took his tray.

"Sorry, sorry," Malakh said. "I'll stop."

"It's not you, I'm just tired. I think I'll go to bed early."

"Can you meet me in the library on Sunday again?" I asked. "I've found some stuff I need to show you."

I looked at him meaningfully. He seemed to get what I was referring to, and nodded before murmuring goodbye and shuffling off.

"See what I mean?" Malakh complained. "Zack dumped me and now he's with Yamura. I was planning our anniversary and everything."

"Shut up. Kono's straight, remember?"

"Is he really?" Chase looked delighted. "Sometimes I feel like the only one."

"Well, make sure you stay a minority," Malakh said, frowning. "I don't know why they let your kind in the military at all. You don't work as hard to protect the asses of your comrades if you're not hoping to get inside some of them."

"Hey! A lot of good officers are straight."

"Like who?"

"Commander Lefler."

"You got proof?"

"The general could be," Chase argued. "We don't know."

Malakh, with a horrified expression, waved his fork menacingly. "Take it back! What, are you trying to jinx me?"

"The point is, we don't really know about most of them. Hey, Fair, what about Commander Hewley?"

I stiffened. No, not like that. "I wouldn't know."

Malakh was peering at me; I must have looked uncomfortable. "What's wrong? You worried about Kono?"

I nodded. I genuinely was - no need to lie.

"I'll keep an eye on him. And I'll make him some of my special tea, that always makes me feel better."

"Thanks."

"You know, he's probably tired because he's so damn helpful, always volunteering to run errands. He delivers messages for Dr. Hollander at least a couple times a week, and he always looks like crap afterwards. Maybe it's those labs, they creep me out too."

It was nearly the end of dinner. Malakh offered to take my tray, and I thanked him and said good-night to he and Chase, not knowing what they replied. Lieutenant Averman waved me over from the door and signaled me to follow him, which I did.

As we walked back to the White Building, he told me he'd heard I'd gotten sick during mako tests. I assured him I was feeling better and repeated the lie that I had no idea what might have caused it. Afterwards he was probably speculating that they'd pass me or at least let me re-test, or something equally encouraging. I barely spoke at all, which was odd enough for Averman to look at me strangely. He left me at the apartment door with a friendly clap on the shoulder and a suggestion that I should get some rest.

It wasn't like me to be distracted in this way, ignoring people and events in favor of focusing on a problem. (Usually it was the other way around.) But my thoughts were back with Kono, dwelling on his pallor, his illness, his frequent presence in the science labs. I worried I might be getting paranoid, seeing Genesis everywhere, but in that moment I felt him gripping every part of my life as much as I'd felt his cold hands cupping my face. Nothing and no one seemed safe...or almost no one.

A sort of numbness came over me as I fished the keycard out of my pocket, temporarily dulling the fear and worry. I felt only a sinking in my stomach and a feeling that never left me - and intense desire to see Angeal.

**To be continued!**


	13. Away From the Window

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 13 - Away From the Window**

 

Angeal was sitting on the couch when I came in, staring at a picture frame he held in his hands. He looked up and smiled faintly.

"How are you feeling, Zack?"

"I'm okay, sir."

He patted the cushion beside him and I sat down, trying not to seem too eager to be close to him, though I certainly was. He didn't say anything, so I let my eyes go to the object he was so absorbed in. I vaguely recognized the frame from the few times I'd seen Angeal's bedroom, but I had never studied the photograph before.

The three people in it were easy enough to identify. Angeal himself on the right, looking to be about fifteen, wearing the same sober smile he had just given me. Genesis on the left, a bit older than Angeal, staring at the camera with a pleased, even smug expression. And in the middle, younger than both of them, Sephiroth. It was strange how little his appearance had changed, except of course for the increase in height. Sephiroth was displaying a neutral expression, looking toward the camera, it seemed, but not seeing it. The same sadness I had noticed in his eyes was there back then, too. All three of them were wearing black SOLDIER uniforms, and Angeal and Genesis both had on their shirts the insignia of two silver bars overlaying an elaborate 'S' - the symbol of 2nd Class.

"One of the lab assistants took this, a photography enthusiast, just outside the Old Building," Angeal said softly, "on the day we officially became SOLDIERs."

"Were you happy?"

"I don't know. Excited, certainly. We were the first. It seemed to be what all our childhood games had led up to."

I looked at the photo again...if I was right about Angeal's age, that would have put Sephiroth at about thirteen. "You were younger than me."

"I wonder if I ever was," he said with a brief laugh. "Genesis was the only one of us who ever acted his age. I think it frustrated him that Sephiroth and I were always so alike."

"He seems all right with the general," I said cautiously.

"He cares very much for Sephiroth. As do I."

There was a question I wanted very much to ask, but it was one of those that I knew might bring the conversation to an end, and I so wanted to keep hearing his voice. I decided to delay a little and ask something safer.

"Sir? What happened on the mission?"

Angeal looked at me, then back to the picture, and let out a sigh. "You know that SOLDIER frequently has to deal with resistance factions that pose a threat to ShinRa's power."

I nodded. I also knew that it was a part of the job that many SOLDIERs - Angeal included - disliked.

"We received an anonymous tip from Banora that a branch of a particular faction had sprung up and was beginning to recruit there. Have you heard of AVALANCHE?"

"A little, sir."

The name was certainly known to me, even if not much else was. Talk of any anti-ShinRa groups could catch the attention of the Turks and land you under observation, so cadets, at least, avoid speaking of them. Our classes gave some information, naturally all biased in ShinRa's favor. As we learned it, AVALANCHE was a band of dangerous criminals who claimed to be protecting the planet but were actually attempting to destabilize law-abiding institutions that served the public and seize power for themselves. They were considered to be the biggest threat of all the factions, so I wasn't surprised that ShinRa took this tip seriously.

"The decision was made to send me first, because as a native I would not attract much attention, and I would casually spread the word that ShinRa suspected trouble in Banora. Sephiroth would follow, to make the villagers believe we were prepared to take military action, and to intimidate those with information into coming forward."

"Did it not work?"

"It would have," Angeal said heavily, "had there been any real threat. Seph and I stopped in to visit Genesis's parents, and they had heard rumors of ShinRa preparing to send troops in to put down the rebels before they could organize further. They were both quite alarmed. So much so that they confessed to having sent the tip themselves, and that there was no truth in it."

"You mean they lied?" I was surprised anyone would dare to do that to ShinRa. "Why?"

"They meant no harm, which is why I will be reporting the tip as an anonymous prank. Apparently, Genesis asked them to do this. He claimed to be concerned I wasn't seeing enough of my mother since she became ill again, and told his parents that this was the only way I would come back. They don't know what Genesis is, you see, or what he's capable of. And even if they did, they would not see him as the danger he is."

"Why?"

"Because they're parent and child. Would your parents believe such a thing about you, Zack?"

"I think they'd be on my side anyway."

"Exactly."

"I'm guessing Genesis wasn't really trying to get you to visit your mother," I said dryly. "But would he actually go to all that trouble just to..."

I couldn't think of a verb or phrase to adequately describe what he did to me, and what he threatened to do. Strangely, maybe, as much as I feared being near Genesis, feared what he might do to me, it was the fact that he was hurting Angeal that bothered me the most. I didn't know what the betrayal was that Genesis had accused him of, but I couldn't imagine that Angeal had done it intentionally. So how could Genesis still be so angry? Whatever Angeal felt for me, whether he cared or not (though I was sure he did), at the very least, Angeal felt responsible for me. He would blame himself if he wasn't able to keep Genesis from hurting me.

"It's dangerous to underestimate Genesis," Angeal answered me. "Yes, he would go to such trouble, and I believe he did. Dr. Linzman called me."

I wondered why he hadn't told me this earlier, but I only said, "Did he find something, sir?"

"Traces of Selatacyn in your blood. It is a drug that causes a sedative and paralytic effect for up to several hours, depending on the dose. That Genesis would choose to use that, of all things..." Angeal's expression was dark.

"Could the doctor tell how it was given to me?"

"He found no evidence of antibiotics in the sample. I think that points to an answer."

"Dr. Hollander injected me with it himself." I shuddered to think that I'd just sat there calmly and let him do it. "But, sir, I don't think he did it on purpose. He was so upset..."

"Genesis may very well have tricked him. Perhaps he was able to get his hands on the Selatacyn and the key to that door without help, perhaps he was able to gain access to the room where the testing was done without anyone seeing him," Angeal said. "But I still must suspect Hollander as well, much as I don't want to."

"So what's gonna happen now?"

"The investigation will be quietly dropped. Further probing will only provoke Genesis and draw unhelpful attention. As far as SOLDIER and the Science Department are concerned, you passed the mako test. Maybe the ordeal only brought up the last remnant of your earlier illness. That's what has been determined, should anyone ask you."

"Yes, sir." I wasn't sure how to feel, except relieved that I wouldn't have to re-test. "Does the general believe this too?"

"I think Sephiroth is unsure what to believe." Angeal's voice was sad, full of ghosts. Maybe, among them, the three boys in the photograph he set down on the coffee table. "I had hoped to keep him out of this mess as much as possible, but perhaps it's better that he begin to accept Genesis is up to no good now. He doesn't want to think ill of Genesis, but Sephiroth is intelligent. He can't keep up this blindness much longer."

"The general never connected Genesis to the deaths?"

"Oh, he did, but Genesis claims he couldn't control himself then, and Sephiroth believes him. Besides, Genesis also said he has no memory of killing anyone on the Compound, and there were no fang marks on the bodies. He killed them, I have no doubt, but it would be hard to prove. The marks seem to disappear fairly quickly from the dead. And from the living as well, though not as fast on a body containing little or no mako."

Something suddenly made sense. "Is that what you were checking me for, sir, after we left the lab?"

Angeal nodded. "From your behavior, I was pretty sure he hadn't fed from you, but I wanted to be certain."

"My behavior? It changes your behavior? How do you know, sir?"

"Because I let Genesis feed from me once," he said, looking grimly at my expression of shock. "I don't think I truly believed he drank blood until then. When we are young, as I'm sure you know, we tend to do foolish things to satisfy our curiosity."

"Did it...hurt?"

"No. It was merely very intense. Genesis offered to make me forget about it afterward, though, and I often wish I had accepted."

I felt like a boulder had lodged in the pit of my stomach and was somehow growing. "He can do that?"

"Yes, another reason he is so dangerous. You see why I couldn't simply ask you if he had bitten you."

"You mean he can drink from anyone and make them think nothing ever happened?"

Angeal seemed concerned that I was agitated, though he must have thought it understandable. "He may have even more power over the minds of other people that we don't know about. This is why I forbid you to go anywhere alone. Genesis wouldn't dare touch you in front of a witness."

"But what about everyone else? He could be..." I felt a sob coming and quickly swallowed it.

"Zack?" He turned himself to face me and put his hands on my shoulders. "Is there someone in particular you are thinking of?"

"Kono runs errands for the labs, a lot," I whispered, worrying my voice would break if I made it louder. "He's always so pale. He has blood deficiency, but what if - "

"And Kono was in the testing room, with the equipment," Angeal finished, with an awful expression of hurt and defeat. "Damn it, Genesis."

"Sir, I can't let him do this, I've got to stop him!"

Angeal fixed me with a very stern look, and his grip on me tightened. "You have to follow my orders, and that is all. You will say nothing of this to anyone and you will not do anything about Genesis unless I tell you to, understood?"

"But Kono!"

"I will do my best to help him. I think you should avoid his company as much as possible, that will give Genesis less incentive to go after him."

"Why is he doing this?" I tilted my head downward to look at the couch, hoping my hair would fall into my face and hide my eyes. "Kono hasn't done anything except be my friend."

It seemed selfish to want Angeal now, to want or expect anything when people were being hurt because of me. But I felt so miserable that when he began to pull me to him, I practically threw myself against his chest. I buried my face in his uniform shirt and clung to him shamelessly, like he was going to shove me away any second. His hands moved over me almost frantically for a few moments, as if they weren't sure where they were supposed to go, before they settled in their usual places - one on my back, the other on my hair.

"I didn't want to think he could be so cruel, so heartless," Angeal murmured above me. "Not after all we went through together."

"You said he changed five years ago," I said unsteadily, turning my head a little so my words wouldn't be muffled. "Was that when you did...whatever he can't forgive you for?"

I wasn't sure he would answer, but he did, hesitantly. "Yes."

"Sir, what did you do?"

He didn't answer this one; I wasn't surprised. Good guy though he was, Angeal could be devious when he saw a need to be, and he saw one now, in trying to make me forget the question. The hand on my hair worked its way south and slipped beneath my shirt, beginning the caressing motion on my skin that I knew so well by now. I wanted to whine that he was being unfair, but I didn't honestly want him to stop, so I settled for trying to get everything else I wanted to say out quickly.

"He's got to be stopped - "

"I know, and I will handle it. Perhaps Sephiroth too, if I can convince him."

"Sir, let me help."

"You'll do as I tell you, won't you?" Angeal said this softly, nuzzling his face into my hair, and I felt it as much as I heard it.

"He said if I told you what happened in the lab, the deaths will begin again."

"I will do all I can to keep him from harming anyone else," Angeal promised, "but I must think of you first."

"Why?"

I didn't expect him to tell me this either, and I was kind of relieved. I liked that Angeal was fond of me and was delighted and amazed that I turned him on, that he felt enough of an attraction to me that he was able to enjoy what we did together. But I didn't want to be told that I was just part of his duty as a SOLDIER, or even that he just wanted me physically. I didn't expect a declaration of undying love, though, or what he actually said.

"Because it's my fault."

I didn't want guilt either, and that answer would have deflated me completely, however vague it was, if not for the sadness in it, and the way he held me. He was being careful with me, as he always was, but clinging in the same way I did. If I had tried to pull away, I'm not sure he would have let me go.

"What, sir?"

"It was my fault that he began to look at you at all. I thought if I claimed you myself, kept you close to me, made it clear to him you were off-limits, the part of him that was my friend would make him back off. I wanted to protect you, but I just put you in greater danger, and now I can't let..."

Angeal's voice trailed off, and I knew there was no getting him to finish that thought. His words might have made me think he did see me just as an obligation, but in that moment I realized I knew better than that. I knew him better. He wanted me, but he always tried to hold back, and he did that because he was afraid of hurting me, or that I only wanted him because he had conditioned me to. He cared for me as something more than a student, and if I could see that now, would he be able to see that I loved him for more than a teacher?

My heart was pounding, so much so that I couldn't feel his. I drew back just a little, enough to look into his worried eyes and try to put my lips to his. I was close, so heartbreakingly close, when he took my head firmly in hand and laid it back on his shoulder. Now I started crying, I couldn't help it, or hide it.

"No, Puppy. Ssh, it's all right."

"But why?"

He stood up, pulling me with him, and I felt by the direction he chose that we were heading for the kitchen. I thought angrily that I didn't want this, I didn't want to be teased and played with if that was all he was willing to give me. I squirmed and struggled, pouting like a child, I'm sure, but he kept me easily, saying "Ssh" and being gentle no matter how much I fought. I don't know how serious I was about it. If he had released me, I might have flown right back into his arms.

I went still once he had me on the newspaper and contented myself with scowling at the floor as he unzipped my pants. It may sound strange, but months of peeing at least twice a day in this position, in this way, had made it nearly normal. Now it became an embarrassing thing again, a thing he hadn't explained his reasons for, though he must have had them. I wanted to refuse, but my body was used to this, and relieved itself without a care for how uncooperative I wanted to be.

"Zack, do you know why I began to do this?" Of course not, I thought, you never told me, but he didn't wait for me to answer. "I had three reasons, none of which excuse it. First, to make you dependent on me, to encourage you to keep close to me so I could watch you."

Mission accomplished, I thought dryly.

"The second was the most important, a part of my plan to make you seem unavailable to Genesis. He has an inhumanly powerful sense of smell, you see. It was my hope that he would catch my scent on you."

"And the third, sir?" I asked softly.

There was a long pause, then he said, "It was more of an excuse, really. I told myself I was instilling discipline in you. Testing how much you trust me."

"No," I said, surprised by my own bravery, "those aren't the only reasons."

I thrust my hips back before he knew what I was doing, and he couldn't deny the bulge I felt fleetingly press against me. Angeal made a startled noise, then grabbed my hips and held me still.

"Why?" I cried, frustrated as hell.

"You are my student."

"So that means you can't kiss me or let me do anything for you, but it's okay for you to..." I stopped there, unwilling to reduce the moments I lived for to a clinical use of anatomical terms or a vulgar phrase of slang.

"It means you do as I say." He went back to caressing the skin beneath my shirt, and his other hand slipped between my legs.

Anger had been putting up such a good fight against desire, but with these familiar touches, the battle was lost in a second. When he knew he had me calm again, Angeal wrapped one arm around my middle, as he always did, and continued stroking as slowly as he could. My head began to droop and I was pliant in his hands, but I fought to keep my mind clear. If he was ever vulnerable to questions, I figured, this was as likely a time for that as any.

"Sir..." I was panting softly, it took some effort to put any steadiness into my voice. "Don't you want more? Do you feel anything for me?"

Angeal let out a sigh filled with such pain that I immediately regretted asking, and my anger slipped away completely. "Of course I do."

"Wait, which one?"

He laughed softly, and I felt the pressure of his face and the heat of his breath on my back. He let go of my dick altogether for a few moments, and ran his fingertips over my inner thigh. I squirmed to tell him he should stop teasing, but when his hand returned it seemed hesitant, like it wanted to go slower than was possible.

"Sir, I want you to."

"To what, Zack?"

"Everything," I whispered, blushing with embarrassment. If his hearing hadn't been enhanced by mako, he probably wouldn't have heard me.

He made that same pained sigh again, but I didn't feel as bad this time, because I thought I might be wearing him down.

"Please," I said, letting myself sound as tearful and young as I could. "Please..."

The arm around me lifted me just off the tile for a moment, while Angeal's other hand let go of me and cleared the newspaper away. When he set me back down on the floor he pulled my legs until I was lying nearly flat, then with his big hands gently rolled me in place so that I was laying face-up. It was strange to see this familiar spot of the room from a new position, I noted, but most of my attention was of course on Angeal. With one knee on either side of my body, he was bending over me and looking intently at my face. I smiled at him and he smiled back immediately, but it was almost scolding as he brushed the skin beneath my eyes with his fingers and knew that I hadn't really just been crying.

"Bad puppy."

"Manipulative, maybe."

Angeal's expression became serious. Continuing to watch my face almost without blinking, he tugged my pants and underwear down past my thighs. I moaned a little at the feeling of so much air surrounding my stiffness, and closed my eyes for a moment.

"You can open them, Puppy," he murmured, so I did.

His hand closed around me again, but loosely, like he didn't want to give me any more contact with it than he had to. He seemed intent still on doing this very slowly, which was actually good, because any faster and it would have been over in no time. Just the idea that he was looking at me, watching every parting of my lips and flutter of my eyelids, was exciting enough, but his expression alone would have made me hard in any situation, all by itself. It was dream-like, and so unmistakably aroused. I had never seen Angeal look so unlike his usual stoic self.

My head fell to one side as he sped up a little, and he drew in a sudden, sharp breath. On the next stroke I moaned, tilted my head back and arched up a little, and from the way Angeal exhaled, you would have thought he was the one approaching orgasm. I wasn't purposely doing these things, but I won't deny that his reactions made me happy. I did try to hold back as long as I could, to see what else he would do, and he must have realized this, because, without warning, he moved further down and enveloped me in his mouth for the second time.

I think he held my hips this time only to keep me from thrusting up and choking him, because he didn't guide me in and out as he had previously. I was too close for much of that anyway, and he realized this too. He sucked me hard and fast, and I came the same way, with a loud, exultant cry. While I caught my breath, Angeal readjusted my clothes, then, after a long look at me, gently hoisted me up and wrapped his arms around me.

Maybe I was a trained puppy after all. Only minutes before I'd been furious and fighting him, and now that he had given me the attention and affection I needed, I was snuggling against him contentedly and he was petting my hair. I couldn't summon up any anger, no matter how few answers he had offered me. But that didn't mean I would stop trying.

"Sir?" I said drowsily, my eyes fighting against me to stay closed.

"Yes, Puppy?"

"Why is it your fault?"

I knew he wouldn't tell me, and I couldn't even grumble at him for it, not with the pleasant, satisfied warmth I was feeling. And indeed, he didn't say anything, but he did have an answer for me, even if it was one I couldn't decipher. He pressed a long, gentle kiss onto the top of my head. Angeal touched me and made me come all the time. But it was that friendly, intimate and yet almost platonic kiss that made me think, if I died right now, I would at least die happy.

__

zfzfz

The next day, the second of mako tests, was otherwise another free one for cadets, so I wasn't surprised to wake up later than usual, after all the pre-dawn darkness had faded from the sky. I was surprised to find Angeal absent, and annoyed. The main reason I was always able to wake up cheerful was that I knew I'd see Angeal within minutes, and the rare occasions on which he'd gone out for a bit bothered me more than they should have. I didn't like eating breakfast without him there to watch me with a bemused smile and ask how I could be so energetic so soon after waking, so I drank coffee that morning, just because I knew he'd disapprove. To be honest, I never much liked it.

I knew Angeal wouldn't keep me waiting long, he never did, but the cryptic note he'd left on the table made me feel uneasy. It said he would be back soon, and in the meantime I was not to answer the phone (unless it was him calling) or the door and I was not to set foot outside the apartment. Something to do with Genesis, I feared, and the idea that Angeal was out there somewhere, maybe in danger, made me feel like I was falling asleep and unable to stop myself, though I knew a nightmare was waiting for me. I paced around the apartment for awhile with my phone in hand, willing it to ring with him on the other end, until I remembered the call Genesis had made to me, the sound of his heavy breathing, and quickly shoved it back in my pocket. I had never told Angeal about that, but it didn't seem to matter. Doing so now would help nothing.

When Angeal came through the door, I hurried to him, too relieved to care about how obvious my fear must have been. He took hold of my shoulders and squeezed them gently, trying to smile, but the hurt and hardness in his eyes stopped me cold.

"Sir, where were you? What's wrong?"

He must have realized he couldn't deny that something was indeed wrong. He turned me around, saying "One thing at a time, Zack", and gently pushed me into the kitchen.

"What's happened?"

"No questions yet. That's an order."

He didn't draw it out this time, and I was actually grateful, because I was too distracted by worry to want it to go on. I enjoyed it, of course, I couldn't help that, but afterwards, when he brought me to rest against his chest, I kept trying to shift position to get a better look at his face. It reminded me of the wooden festival masks on display in the village museum in Gongaga - unmoving and unrelenting, devoid of all feeling but a sort of default sadness.

"Sir?"

Angeal pressed a kiss into my hair, which should have reassured me but didn't, and told me to get the map and victim list I'd shown him from my desk and meet him in the living room. My hands felt cold as I obeyed. I kept thinking Angeal would give me another name to add to the list, another location polluted by a body, but he merely took the papers from me, folded them into his pocket and indicated that I should sit down.

"I have some bad news, Zack."

"Genesis?"

"I don't know. Maybe not."

"Is it...Kono?" I choked out, just barely.

"No. I spoke to Commander Lefler. Cadet Yamura is no longer permitted to run errands for the labs at all, and his other errands are to be confined to the morning hours. Genesis dislikes sunlight and avoids it when he can," Angeal explained.

I opened my mouth to say thank you, but I couldn't make any sound come out. He nodded, understanding.

"But someone is dead?" I asked, when I could speak again.

"Yes."

"Please just tell me."

"Lieutenant Moray."

I didn't consciously turn away from Angeal. I just knew, in the weird calm I was feeling, that I couldn't look at the place on the couch where he had sat and told me hilarious stories and joked about the virtues of pudding. I grabbed the padded arm of the couch and gripped it tightly, lowered my head to it. I was shaking, but I couldn't cry. I had cried so much recently, and that must have left me dry when tears were most appropriate. 

I could feel Angeal's eyes, and kept expecting him to reach for me. I was hurt that he didn't, but glad too. I had refused Moray for what I had with Angeal, I didn't deserve to be comforted, to be assured I made the right choice. For some reason I kept thinking of a stream that ran through the woods I used to play in, in Gongaga. I heard the trickle of its water, but I couldn't produce any myself.

"I'm sorry, Zack," Angeal said quietly. "Moray was in my charge. I should have watched him more closely."

I shook my head, trying to loose my fingers from the armrest. No wonder he wasn't touching me, he thought I was blaming him. I turned and put my arms around his neck, not wanting comfort but determined to give it to him.

"Not your fault, not your fault," I murmured into his shoulder, and his head came to rest on mine. "Don't think that. Please."

I felt a little better when he held me and thought I should squirm away rather than allow that, but Angeal needed me, I think, as much as I needed him. In that moment, maybe more. I felt the crying I needed to do buried very deep somewhere, like an underground spring putting pressure on the earth around it as it tries to free itself. I couldn't unblock this building surge, I could only wait.

"Was it Genesis, sir?" My voice sounded remarkably lifeless.

"I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"It was not like the other deaths," Angeal said quietly. "The body was discovered a few hours ago between this building and the 1st Class Quad. His apartment window was wide open. A fall from approximately that height is what killed him."

It took me a minute to comprehend what I was being told. "They think...he jumped?"

"I know this is hard to accept, but he may have. SOLDIERs, and 1st Classes in particular, are under a lot of pressure. This would not be the first suicide within the program."

"No, no, no!" I said, my voice getting louder with each syllable. "You knew him, he wasn't like that!"

"We never really know anyone, Zack," Angeal murmured, trying to soothe me with his hands. "Learn that now. It will protect you in the future. I know you're upset - "

"I'm not upset, I'm angry! Genesis is gonna get away with this - "

"He won't, if he is responsible. But, Zack...look at me." He took my face between his hands and held it in front of his own. "Moray seemed to me less cheerful than usual since I got back. Do you know of anything that happened to him during that time, something that might have depressed him?"

"Oh no." I closed my eyes, ignoring his repeated request that I look at him. "No no, no no..."

"Zack."

"He said it would be okay, that he could still be happy." My eyes hurt from how tightly I shut them, but somehow remained dry. "He said it was okay, but he held back when we fought, so maybe he was holding back more."

"Zack."

"If Genesis didn't do it, I did. It's my fault."

Angeal let go of my face, grabbed my shoulders and shook me so hard that I cried out, and my eyes flew open to see anger in his.

"Moray was a 1st Class, and a good one," he said, in a tone he'd never before directed at me. "He got where he was on the merit of his own hard work and choices, and the consequences of them are his alone to bear, is that clear, Cadet?"

"Y-Yes, sir."

"You aren't seventeen yet, Moray was a grown man. What could you possibly have done that would affect him so?"

My eyes became wet, finally, but they didn't fill enough to overflow, and began to dry right away as Angeal stared at me, saying nothing. At length his shoulders slumped, and he shook his head.

"I should have known. When he risked his rank to keep me from punishing you, I should have known."

**To be continued!**


	14. A Will to Survive

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 14 - A Will To Survive**

 

"I turned him down, sir."

"What he hoped for would have caused a stir, but it would have broken no rules."

"That's not why I did it, sir."

Angeal's hand ascended to the back of my head, and his fingers disappeared into my hair. His anger from only moments ago was gone, but even in the gentle gaze he fixed on me, there was guilt. I don't know if it was for me or for Moray. I didn't want him to feel it either way.

"I would not have forbid you."

"So you would've been perfectly fine seeing me with someone else?" I asked, feeling stung and not caring if he saw it.

Angeal's mouth formed a hard, thin line. "I don't believe I said that."

I would have been thrilled by that vague, reluctant admission under different circumstances. I felt hollow but bursting at the seams anyway, filling with grief but not feeling it yet. Filling with emptiness.

"Sir, where is Genesis?"

"Probably in the labs, where he spends most of his time. He has little to worry about at the moment. Only you and I think he had a hand in this."

"But it shouldn't be hard to convince everyone, right? Genesis lives on the eighteenth floor, right above where...it could have been his window."

"I know. But you're forgetting that very few people suspect Genesis of the other deaths. An outright accusation will accomplish nothing. We must be stealthier than that."

"Stealthy like Turks?"

He gave me a faint smile. "Perhaps. The mysterious death of a 1st Class is a serious matter, of importance to the company. Turks will be investigating, I don't doubt."

"You told me, once, not to trust them..."

"I know. But I think I can trust Tseng. I'll have to think about it for a little longer."

"What do we do now, sir?"

Angeal's hand withdrew from my hair. "Training. Sometimes the best way to mourn is to keep moving. And, now more than ever, I want you as strong and prepared as possible."

"You'll let me help, right?"

He sighed. "Before we get to work, Sephiroth asked to show me something. You'll come with us. It won't hurt to have you there when I talk to him about this anyway."

"About Genesis?"

"Yes," Angeal said, glancing at his watch. "It's nearly time to meet him. But first, Zack, something important. I would not need to say this to most other people, but you have shown yourself to be unusually perceptive where Sephiroth is concerned."

"I have?"

"Also..." He hesitated, and an amused smile appeared out of nowhere on his lips. "You may know that the general is not particularly good with people. He has certain...quirks."

"Quirks?" I couldn't see where this was going.

"Sephiroth behaves one way publicly, and a slightly different way in private. Most people don't get to see both and would probably not find the disparity between them to be much." Angeal read my look of confusion. "To put it simply, Cadet, I don't want you to be surprised or alarmed if Sephiroth doesn't seem all right when we talk to him."

"Is something wrong with him?"

"He holds himself responsible for the death of every SOLDIER, but especially 1st Classes. Casualties of war are bad enough, but a death like Moray's...well, if you should sense that he's upset, that's why."

"But he wouldn't show that around me, would he, sir?"

"That's what I'm trying to say, that he might. How can I explain this...Sephiroth and I are much alike. For one thing, we do not admit people into our lives lightly. That I have done so with you lends you a certain amount of trustworthiness, from Sephiroth's point of view. You might even say he sees you as an extension of me, which makes you...safe."

I didn't actually mind so much being an extension of Angeal, but... "Safe?"

"He told me about your spar while we were in Banora, and that he looks forward to having you in 1st Class." My eyes went a little wide, and Angeal nodded. "Did you happen to notice that he behaved with you much as he does with Lefler and the other 1st Classes?"

"Wow."

"It is an honor. Consider it such."

"Yes, sir."

I was guiltily glad we were talking about something other than Moray, much as it was tearing me up with shame. I couldn't say his name, couldn't even think it, and the image of him I had in my mind was so blurry. The only clear thing was the raindrop pendant that was supposed to bring him luck. It would have to be sent home to Junon, to his parents, with the body that his poor mother always expected.

"Oh, Gaia," I whispered. My heart felt like a slab of ice cracking down the middle.

Angeal lifted my chin with his hand, and looked at me like he understood everything I was feeling, even the things that I didn't.

"It's not ready to come yet," he murmured, running his fingers over my cheek. "When it does come, allow it. Don't fight what you need."

"Why do you?" I whispered back.

It was a bratty thing to say and hardly the right time, but he only made an annoyed sound at me and stood.

"Come on. Bring your sword."

__

zfzfz

Sephiroth was straight ahead of us as we exited the White Building, standing just outside the Lesser Courtyard. A 1st Class I didn't recognize was saying something to him, though he excused himself when he saw us coming. Just before he left, I noticed him inconspicuously move to touch the general's arm for a moment, then quickly withdraw, obviously from a wish to comfort. I guess the 1st Classes knew how he was feeling.

After what Angeal had said to me, I made it a point to subtly observe Sephiroth as we approached, wondering if I would notice any difference in him. His expression was the calm one he always wore, concealing his constant state of inhuman alertness and deadly skill. The only things I saw changed in him were a stiffness to his straight posture and a hardness in his eyes that made them as sharp and cutting as the sword he wore. The sadness I noticed every time was buried behind this shell but somehow brighter and more easily seen, as though the weight of recent loss were a mirror reflecting it.

Sephiroth nodded to each of us as we reached him, shaking his head and nearly smiling when I saluted. "Angeal. I have convinced Tseng to delay until this evening, but he will not budge further. He must speak to you before tomorrow."

"Thank you, Seph," Angeal said softly. He slowly placed his hand on Sephiroth's shoulder for a moment, and the general did the same to him.

"This way."

We headed past the Lesser Courtyard, going roughly southeast toward the road. Angeal was silent, looking preoccupied and troubled. I wasn't sure if it was impolite to speak to Sephiroth without being spoken to first, but I jogged up to get closer to him and determined that I could speak the name I had been avoiding.

"General, sir? What are you going to do with...Lieutenant Moray?"

If he was surprised, he didn't show it. "Moray's parents are being notified of his death. If they wish it, we will return the body to them for disposal."

"Disposal?" I repeated before I could stop myself, shocked and offended by the use of that word. "How can you say that?"

"Zack," Angeal hissed.

Sephiroth stopped for a moment and looked at me. He didn't seem angered by my tone, merely perplexed. It occurred to me that he wasn't being uncaring or dismissive. He genuinely didn't understand why I was upset.

"It is a custom in Junon," he began, "that remains are cremated, prayed over by family and loved ones, and scattered over the sea at dawn. Is this not disposal?"

Angeal looked like he really wanted to either scold me or make an excuse for me, but I answered before he could. "Yes, sir. I apologize. But you might not want to use that word. It seems kind of..."

"What?"

Now I felt like an idiot, but it was too late. "Insensitive, sir."

I expected a reprimand or at least a glare, which from Sephiroth was a punishment in itself, but neither came, maybe because Angeal was so visibly anxious. I think it surprised both of us when Sephiroth merely nodded.

"I will remember that, Cadet," he said, and began to walk again.

As we passed by the security building and made a sharp turn due south, I realized where we were going, and caught Angeal's eye. He gave me a look that said "Behave", and said to Sephiroth, "Off the beaten path, I assume?"

"Yes," the general said, then turned to me, maybe amused that I was brave enough to walk so close to him. "I'm told you like the clearing, Cadet."

"It's a cool place, sir. Flowers are a rare sight in Midgar."

I hoped he might comment on that or give some indication that he'd been involved in their planting, but he didn't. "It was Angeal's idea to clear that space. The woods always reminded us of Banora, where we first came to know each other."

You played, I thought with a faint smile, you played at being the adult you are now, like you always knew what you were destined for. Angeal taught you hide-and-seek, and you hid in a cave where no one could find you. Why do I have the feeling that part of you is still there?

We stepped into the southeastern wood, and Sephiroth began to lead the way down the hidden trail, with me between him and Angeal. Sephiroth hadn't seemed to mind me talking to him, and Angeal hadn't scolded me for it, so I decided to keep going. Besides, I had something important to say.

"General, sir?"

"You may speak, Cadet."

"Sir, Lieutenant Moray had a necklace he always kept on, a raindrop pendant on a chain. Whatever's done with...whatever his parents choose, it should be returned to them."

"Should this object be found among Moray's personal effects, I will see that it is sent to his parents."

"He would have been wearing it, sir."

"He was not," Sephiroth said bluntly.

"But he always did, I never saw him - " Without warning I felt Angeal grab the back of my neck and squeeze it in such a way that I froze and lifted up on my toes. "He-ey! What's that for?"

"Had you been playing closer attention to your surroundings, you might have sensed me coming. Be more vigilant, Puppy."

I was nervous to hear Angeal use that nickname in front of another person, but Sephiroth didn't react to it, like he was aware of it already. Come to think of it, Genesis had known it too, had used it to address me in the labs.

"Oh great, does everyone know you call me that?" I groaned quietly, walking awkwardly as Angeal kept his hold on me.

"It suits you, Cadet," Sephiroth said, with a hint of a laugh. "I am sure Angeal does not mean it to be insulting."

"What does your name mean, sir?"

He stopped and turned back to face me. "Mean?"

"Yeah, Commander Hewley's has something to do with winged messengers..."

Sephiroth looked thoughtful, like he was remembering something or trying to put something together. He locked eyes with Angeal for a moment, and I felt the hand on my neck slowly loosen and let me down. Then the general looked back at me, and I could almost see his thoughts being forcefully shoved out of his expression.

"I have never asked."

He continued on and we followed. I glanced back at Angeal, wondering if he was annoyed by my behavior, but he only shook his head and gave me the same exasperated smile he always did when I behaved like my impulsive self. He seemed pleased that I was comfortable around Sephiroth, and vice versa.

"Seph, are you sure it's all right that Zack is here?"

The general nodded immediately, and Angeal gave me a meaningful glance. I think he was trying to impress upon me the unusual degree of familiarity Sephiroth was practicing with me. I smiled to tell him I understood. I would do my best to be worthy of that.

Sephiroth disappeared through the growth of ferns that hid the clearing, and when we followed, we found him standing in its center, looking at the ground that lay before him. For a moment I thought someone had splashed it with paint - there were erratic patches of red, white and yellow all over the brown and green. I wondered why anyone would do that, and then I realized the flowers were gone. No, not gone. They had been ripped from their stems and bushes and thrown into the dirt.

"Oh no," I heard myself say. "No."

Angeal went closer, past both of us, looking back and forth between where the flowers had been and the mess made of them. I couldn't see his face, but I remember thinking there was helplessness in the way he stood, his hands open and limp at his sides. And I thought of what he said to me the first time we came here, that he couldn't understand people who naturally liked killing. This was senseless destruction of the same kind, and that's what made it so horrible.

He turned to face Sephiroth, who was looking downward, with a strained attempt at complete calm. "Seph. Do you see now?"

"I know he's been angry. He was always foolish in his attempts to express it."

"This isn't anger, Seph, it's hatred, directed at me."

"You don't know that," the general said, lifting his head. "He may have intended this to hurt me. I should not have dueled with him in front of everyone."

"He must know that no one thinks less of him for not being able to beat you."

"But Genesis does. He always has. If I try to go easy on him, he knows what I am doing and flies into a rage, making mistakes and injuring himself. Yet each time I win, I drive him further away from us, further into his own frustration."

"His jealousy is not your fault."

"Perhaps. But I am the source of it." Sephiroth spoke calmly, but there was pain in his voice. "I want to help him, but I don't know how."

"I know," Angeal said, "he's our friend. But we're not children anymore. We can't keep forgiving and excusing his cruelty. You know he was behind the deaths that we're forbidden to speak of openly."

"We do not know for certain."

"Seph, you're too smart to believe that and you know it."

Sephiroth stared at him, I suppose with a cold glare, because Angeal defiantly returned the expression. It takes a lot to withstand that kind of look from Sephiroth, much more to reflect it back. Angeal took the victim list I'd made from his pocket, unfolded it and handed it to him. The general's eyes swept over it for a few seconds, and his shoulders actually slumped a little.

"Someone should have noticed this. I should have."

"You didn't want to. I don't blame you." Sephiroth sighed heavily, and Angeal continued. "He hasn't forgiven me for five years ago. When it was a grudge between old friends it was no one's business but ours, but he's gone too far. The killings, and now..."

Angeal quickly glanced at me. I hadn't moved all this time, trying to process what I heard, trying not to look at the mess of torn petals.

"Angeal, I told him. I told him what you said to me, about the cadet."

"I know. I don't blame you for that either. You were trying to help us both, and anyway, Genesis would have found out. His eyes are everywhere, they always were."

Sephiroth picked a white flower off the ground and held it in his open hand; I was struck by how close the shade of white was to his skin. The petals were undamaged, only the stem was ripped and bent, and the gentle way he held it made me believe he thought it was a sad thing, as I did.

"There were no mysterious deaths, in Wutai..."

"He could have hidden the bodies more carefully," Angeal said. "Or drank his fill from the living and left them unaware."

"I believed him. I believed him when he said nothing happened there. He told me, when he got back, that the drug was working. I saw in his eyes that he wasn't lying."

"Then he is doing this of his own free will. It was out of his control once, it's not now."

"And you think Lieutenant Moray's death was Genesis's doing also?"

"It's very likely."

"Because Moray was impolite to him in the lab?"

"No." Angeal lowered his voice, though not enough to keep me from hearing. "Moray had feelings for Zack."

Unable to bear the sight of the ground littered with death, I looked up at the sky. It was so blue. I had always wanted eyes that color, however often I was told the really pale blue of my own was striking. Dark blue eyes like ocean water would have been okay too. Moray's eyes were like that, like the waves of Junon Harbor, where the ashes of the dead are laid to rest. Something tense was coiled like a snake between my stomach and my heart, trying to break the surface of both, of me.

"Seph, it's not about needing blood anymore. Whether you believe Genesis killed Moray or not, you can't deny he's been threatening Zack, not if you trust me."

"I do trust you," Sephiroth said softly.

"Genesis has to be stopped. Contained, at least, as long as he's a threat."

"Caged, you mean. In the lab."

"I'm sorry, Seph. But it's that or destroy him. This has to end."

"I know," the general murmured. "Just...let me talk to him first. Let me try one more time. After that, we will do whatever is necessary."

"Thank you. You understand, don't you?"

"Why you must protect your student? I know the reason. I doubt I will ever truly comprehend it."

The shadow I had seen before fell across Angeal's face. He reached a hand out; Sephiroth waved him away and wordlessly shook his head. He let the white flower fall from his fingers, and I watched it drift down to the patch of grass below, strangely fascinated by its graceful descent. When it came to rest, however, the elegance of it was lost, and all that remained was a broken body. Moray was broken. He would never laugh again, never tell funny stories, never correct a cadet's shooting stance or clumsily block a sword thrust. He would never have good luck again or any other kind, he had nothing now but a list of nevers that could go on forever. The snake arose from its stillness and sprang, and in an instant my eyes were full and I was choking on the words of denial I tried to say.

Angeal's large frame was blurry to my sight, but I saw it hurrying toward me and reached out like a blind man groping for light. He clutched me as tightly as I did him, fisting my hair and anchoring me to the sound of his heart, the source of life. Without words, with only that soothing thump-thump, he was making me acknowledge that the living must go on, that grief can't be allowed to stop the planet from turning. Had he said this in words I would've been hurt by such a pathetically optimistic platitude, yes, me. This way, I nodded against his chest, because I couldn't get words through my sobbing, to tell him I knew.

Angeal rested his head on mine and rubbed his free hand up and down my back, deliberately saying nothing though I got the impression he wanted to tell me it would all be okay. This was what he had been waiting for, what he'd meant when he told me not to fight it when it came. I pressed my face to his shirt at first, drenching it with tears, no doubt, and then turned it a little to gulp in some much-needed air. The breeze was heavy with the flower-scent that would soon be carried away, and it fed my hysterics like wood into flames.

I saw Sephiroth step away from us, to stand before the ruined bushes like a supplicant approaching a shrine. He bowed his head, murmured "Colin" in the tone of a farewell or a prayer. I shut my eyes and let them overflow.

__

zfzfz

So much had happened, the world had changed so much, it was hard to believe this was only the second day of mako tests. I found it strange that SOLDIERs and cadets were still walking around and talking like nothing had changed, though I'm sure a lot of them were discussing Moray, and nearly everyone stared at the three of us as we passed. I'm not sure if they were surprised to see a lowly cadet with the two most famous 1st Classes or if it was just Sephiroth's presence, which always prompted staring. Malakh looked intimidated and couldn't help glancing repeatedly at the general when he ran up to me.

"Um, excuse me, sirs, may I ask Cadet Fair a question?" Angeal nodded to him. "Zack, you haven't seen Kono, have you?"

"No...why? You haven't either?"

"No, but don't freak. He wasn't at lunch just now, but he might be in the med lab. I can't check 'cause it's closed to visitors, you know, for the tests."

"Zack, do not panic prematurely," Angeal said softly to me. "There is no reason yet to think any harm has befallen Kono."

"If Cadet Yamura has not been located by the end of the day, I will order the Compound searched," Sephiroth said to me and Malakh.   
"But Commander Hewley is correct. It is a free day for non-testing cadets and Yamura may have gone anywhere. It is not time to worry yet."

"Th-Thank you, General," Malakh stuttered. He was such a cool, collected guy, but a few words from the object of his fantasies and he became a stammering fanboy.

Sephiroth nodded and began to walk again. I was about to do the same when Malakh grabbed my elbow and looked at me seriously, solemnly.

"Zack, I heard about Lieutenant Moray. Are you all right?"

I nodded; I'm sure the look on my face revealed it to be a lie. Angeal took my arm and tugged me gently.

"If you'll excuse us, Cadet," he said to Malakh, and then in a whisper, to me, "Come on, Pup."

We turned east just after passing the security center building and the Lesser Courtyard, and the double-door entrance to the Old Building was directly ahead, looming as we approached like the mouth of a dragon. Angeal need never again worry that I would go there without an escort; I hated the place and the memory of fear and helplessness it held for me. I took a deep breath as we went inside, holding my head up and telling myself I was brave enough to face anything, that I would be even if I hadn't had Angeal and Sephiroth with me.

We hadn't gone far toward the main entrance to the labs when Sephiroth stopped and said to Angeal, "Get the key from Hojo. We'll wait by the rear door."

Angeal nodded, gave me the "Behave" look again and went on to the entrance alone, while Sephiroth motioned me down a corridor that looked dim and deserted. He stopped at a door that I vaguely recognized, then realized it was the door Genesis had come through yesterday, the one that was kept locked. The room we were facing was the one where Hollander had put me. Why were we here? I looked at Sephiroth, and was about to ask.

"Genesis likes these rooms," he explained. "They are kept dark when not in use, and very few have access to them. He has been seeking solitude more and more often recently."

"Not many people have a key to this door, then, sir?"

"Only Doctors Hollander and Hojo."

"Commander Hewley seems to think Hollander might have left it unlocked on purpose yesterday."

Sephiroth fixed me with a probing stare. "But you do not?"

"I'm wondering, sir, if Doctor Hojo might have had any reason to help Genesis. Are they...friends?"

"Doctor Hojo does not have friends," Sephiroth said flatly. His eyes looked hard and cold. "He does not consider anyone to be his equal. In any case, his contact with Genesis is limited and indirect, unlike Hollander's. I don't see any reason Hojo might have for encouraging Genesis's conduct."

"He's awfully creepy, though," I said without thinking.

Sephiroth smiled. "I've heard that word applied to Hojo many times. I agree that it is a most accurate description."

"You should smile more often, sir. Then you wouldn't intimidate people quite so much."

"Intimidation is a useful weapon for someone of my position."

"Yeah, in battle, sure, but not everyone's an enemy. I mean, doesn't it ever bother you that only the 1st Class SOLDIERs get to know you as a person? I would be lonely if I were you."

He looked at me, expressionless, for a long moment.

"I'm talking too much, aren't I?"

He smiled slightly, again, smirking almost. "You remind me of Angeal."

"Really?" That surprised me.

"He is much more serious, of course, but you are both optimistic. Nosy in a well-meaning way."

"I'm sorry, sir. And I'm sorry about this whole thing with Genesis. I know you and the commander are his friends."

"This conflict began before you came to ShinRa, Fair. I rather think that Angeal regrets, as I do, you having been dragged into the middle of it," Sephiroth said quietly.

"I want to help. If he tries to leave me out of this, can you order him not to?"

Sephiroth laughed. "Yes, very like Angeal."

The door in front of us unlocked with a clicking sound, and Angeal opened it. "Don't be alarmed," he said, motioning us inside, "but stay close to me, Zack."

Hollander's was the first face I noticed once we were in, pale and haggard, and then my eyes strayed to the motionless form stretched out on the examining table. It was Genesis. 

**To be continued!**


	15. A Voice of Reason

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 15 - A Voice of Reason**

 

"Is he...dead?" I asked, unconsciously veering nearer to Angeal.

He caught me by the shoulders and shook his head. "No. Dr. Hollander assures me that Genesis is no threat to anyone in this state, though I asked him to hold his full explanation until the two of you were present. Doctor?"

Hollander didn't answer right away. Sephiroth approached Genesis slowly and reached out to touch his chest, then his wrist.

"His heart is barely beating."

"He's under very deeply," Hollander said. "I gave him Prevesil."

"What's that?" I asked.

"It induces coma," Sephiroth said, looking at Hollander intently. "Why did you do this?"

He lowered his head into his hands, and his voice came out full of despair. "I had no choice! I tried to reason with him, to ask him why he still ventures into Midgar, if it's to keep hunting as I've suspected. He became angry, uttering threats, saying Angeal can't protect his student forever, swearing to get even..."

Hollander looked miserably at Angeal, who had one hand on my shoulder. "What did you do to make him so angry? What can't he forgive you for? You were like brothers, the three of you."

"It's not the commander's fault!" I snapped.

"Calm down, Cadet. It's not your business, Doctor."

"You and Genesis are my business! I can't treat you properly if you don't tell me anything! You didn't tell me right away about the blood-drinking either, remember," he went on, looking at Sephiroth now, "because you thought you could solve it yourself, talk him through it like a SOLDIER preparing to go on a dangerous mission!'

Sephiroth was looking across the room, his eyes having dropped from the scientist's face. It would have been humorous, any other time, to see him being scolded like a child.

"I don't doubt you meant well and were only trying to be Genesis's friend, but you know how important it is that we know everything that happens with you three. What if it were you, what if something went wrong and Hojo didn't know how - "

Sephiroth's eyes returned, full of green brightness like flashlights freezing a timid animal. Hollander seemed to realize he'd gone too far and stepped back, muttering an apology to the general. I was surprised Sephiroth had let him go that far; but Hollander had known him as a child, maybe it was just an old habit for the doctor to be that familiar.

"Did Genesis say anything about Moray?" Angeal broke in.

"I asked, but he only laughed. There was no admission of guilt in it, no protestation of innocence either, only - " Hollander's shoulders slumped. "Amusement."

I snuck a glance at Sephiroth, who was looking at Genesis. His expression was so hurt and confused that it hit me, all of a sudden, how young Sephiroth was. He was twenty-two at the time, and would never look older. It just wasn't something I had thought about before, because of who he was. I doubt I was the only one to feel this way.

"Doctor," Angeal said, "you must keep him this way for the time being. At least until we know a way to keep him from killing."

Hollander nodded. I looked again at the general, drawn by the pain in his eyes. It seemed to grow deeper and deeper as he watched Genesis, taking him further and further back into himself until his mind was somewhere else entirely. Where, I couldn't guess, but I didn't want to let him stay there.

"This is better than caging him, sir, isn't it?" I said softly. "At least this way he doesn't know what's happening."

Sephiroth looked at me like he'd forgotten I was there. He turned back to the examining table, and his eyes cleared, then became hard.

"He will know when he awakes."

"Seph," Angeal murmured, making the nickname sound like a question, and Sephiroth shook his head and waved his hand, as he had done earlier when Angeal was about to touch him.

"There's something else." Hollander turned around to take something from the counter behind him. When he turned back, there was what looked like a very old book in his hands. "I found this in Genesis's coat."

Angeal reached for it and examined the cover. "Loveless?"

Sephiroth looked up. "Loveless?"

"Do you know it?"

"I heard talk of it the first time I was in Wutai, an old myth cycle. It supposedly begins with a creation story and goes into a legend of would-be heroes serving the planet. The full text was said to be lost a century ago or more."

"This looks like a fairly recent translation from Old Wutainese," Angeal guessed, carefully flipping through the weathered pages. "Maybe a hundred years ago. But how did Genesis get his hands on it, and why?"

"I don't know about the 'why' part," I said, "but he was in Wutai for months, wasn't he?"

Angeal nodded. "However he got it, I doubt he did so honestly. This book is priceless, if it's the only one of its kind."

"Theft too, Genesis?" Hollander said sadly. "What did I do wrong?"

I thought maybe pumping him full of mako (and Gaia knew what else, if you listen to Kono) might have something to do with it, and I remembered that Kono was missing.

"Doctor, you haven't seen Cadet Yamura today, have you?"

Hollander shook his head. "No. To be honest, I'm relieved he's been forbidden to run errands for awhile. I never liked to discourage such a helpful boy, but rest is what he needs now. I would assume he's taking advantage of this day off and sleeping in."

That seemed rational. I was trying to take the advice of my elders and not worry yet. Knowing Genesis was not a threat at the moment helped.

"Genesis marked some of the passages," Angeal observed.

"For example?" Sephiroth prompted.

"'Behold, the Goddess said, you who desire power in my name to do deeds for my glory, drink deep of the Lifestream and let the renewing force of its energy sustain you.'"

"The Lifestream?" I said, feeling confused. "The river of life that circles the planet? How do you drink deeply of that?"

"It's probably meant metaphorically. To drink deeply, to live."

"I'll study the text," Hollander said, accepting the book back. "It's of great historical importance, and it may help us understand what Genesis was intending to do next."

Genesis made a low, soft groan. He didn't move at all, but Angeal instinctively pulled me close (alarmed myself, I didn't mind at all) and Sephiroth tensed like a cat ready to spring. Hollander put his hands up, signaling us to do nothing.

"Don't worry, he won't wake. At this high dose of Prevesil, vivid dreaming is common. I can give him something to suppress that."

"Are the dreams bad, do you think?" I asked.

"Perhaps. Better safe than sorry." Hollander was looking curiously at Angeal, who was still holding me. I was worried a little about what he might be thinking, but whatever it was, I didn't care enough to pull away.

Sephiroth was looking at us too, and I thought I saw a bit of a smile flash briefly over his lips. Did he know what was going on with me and Angeal, I wondered. Well, that would make one of us. Angeal cared for me in some way and was attracted to me, and I was in love with him, but what we were to each other, what we might become...I had no idea.

"Let's go, Puppy."

Angeal and Sephiroth nodded to each other and he headed to the door, leaving one arm snugly around me, apparently not caring that Hollander was watching us with a frown.

__

zfzfz

Angeal must have understood how little I wanted to face my classmates at dinner that evening, so he ordered up from the 1st Class dining hall. Neither of us had much of an appetite, though. He told me gently that I should try, but even though the spicy pasta reminded me of home, it stuck in my throat like wet cardboard. Who knows, maybe that's why it did.

I asked Angeal if I could see Moray's body, but he shook his head and said it wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't fight him. There wouldn't be anything of the Colin I knew in his battered body, and I knew he wouldn't want me to remember him that way. I didn't want to remember him that way.

"I kissed him," I said suddenly.

Angeal looked at me from across the small table. "Moray?"

"Yeah. I mean, I let him kiss me, twice. I felt...bad. Does that make me an awful person?"

Angeal smiled soberly. "For allowing someone to kiss you? I don't see how."

"I mean because...I didn't feel that way for him. It wasn't...honest."

"It wasn't honorable, is that what you're thinking?" I nodded, and Angeal went on. "Were you at any time lying to him about how you felt?"

"I don't...think so."

"When did you tell him?"

"As soon as I knew how he felt. And, well, after the kiss."

"You behaved honorably, Zack," Angeal said, "and more than that, you behaved kindly. I'm not surprised in the slightest."

"Was it really because he liked me?" I asked softly. "Why Genesis killed him?"

Angeal, to his credit, didn't lie to me. "I think so."

"Please let me help. Please don't leave me out of this."

"I will allow you to be involved as much as possible, but not to the extent that your safety is compromised. I must protect you."

"Am I just an obligation to you?" I asked sulkily, deliberately leaving off the 'sir'.

Angeal stood up and for a moment, I thought he was leaving. But he came to stand beside my chair, and I turned toward him and tilted my head back, waiting to see what he would do. He gently took my face between his hands, brushing back my hair with his fingertips.

"Of course not, Puppy. You mean more than that. Even if you were a mere duty, you were not one forced upon me. I chose you, remember?"

"But only because Genesis was watching me, right?"

He laughed sadly. "You've got it backwards."

I wanted to question that further, but his gentle gaze was holding me in place, and the way he caressed my face made me feel like I was melting into a puddle of warm, contented goo. There wasn't even anything sexual about it, it was just so...loving. Could you love me, I thought, scarcely daring to voice the hope, even mentally. Could someone like you love me? His thumb brushed lightly over my lips, too fast for me to take it into my mouth as I wanted to, and I closed my eyes and turned into the hand cupping my left cheek. It felt so amazing, the way he handled me as though I were something fragile and precious.

"Look at me, Zack," he commanded quietly, and when I did he smiled, like he'd forgotten his worries for a little while. "So beautiful."

"My eyes?"

"Those too. They remind me of the winter sky over Banora after a long rain. They should be cold, but they are full of warmth. Full of you."

I was vaguely aware of a fireworks show going on in my stomach, pumping excitement and apprehension all through me...and more of the melting feeling. Beautiful. It was a nice compliment from other people, Moray included, but I never took it as anything more than a line. But Angeal was looking at me with such certainty, like he couldn't imagine that I would find that word surprising, like I would have to be crazy not to see what he saw. My eyes felt full and blurry, and I scolded myself for acting like a lovesick girl.

"And there are the rains. Well, without them, flowers would never grow," he teased, sliding his hands to my shoulders and tugging me upward.

It was all the prompting I needed. I rose and threw my arms around him, sighing with relief as he ran his hands over my back and through my hair. His face hovered beside mine, so close that I kept expecting him to kiss me.

"I didn't used to cry," I told him, needing him to know that.

"It's okay. I remember being sixteen, it's a very confusing time."

"I'm almost seventeen."

He laughed softly; I felt the vibration go all through his body. "I know."

"Will that make a difference?"

"In how much you cry?"

"No..." I said awkwardly, willing him to understand from the way I pressed against him and tried to stretch myself up to his face.

Angeal didn't say anything, just drew my head to his shoulder as he always did when I tried to kiss him. I accepted defeat for the moment and sank back down on my heels, but I couldn't feel too disappointed in his arms.

"Did you do any of this because you wanted it, and not because of Genesis, sir?" I mumbled into his uniform shirt.

He sighed heavily. "Don't you think there were other ways to keep you safe, Zack? I could have found some reason to expel you from SOLDIER, or assigned you to someone who I could warn to watch you, or told you everything plainly so you could take precautions. Maybe Genesis was only the excuse I wanted. Needed."

I told myself to calm down, that I couldn't possibly be hearing him admit this, that he wanted me before Genesis was even a threat to me. My thoughts were everywhere, converging and agreeing only on a single point. I loved Angeal.

"But..." I wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. I wasn't sure what two plus two equaled, to be honest. "Why would you need an excuse?"

"Because you're sixteen and a playful little puppy," Angeal said with a low chuckle. "You should be playing with other puppies, not a gruff old dog like me."

"You're really taking this metaphor all the way, aren't you?" I said, and he laughed again. "I don't want them, I want you. And don't say it's because you made me, it's not."

"Zack," he whispered near my ear, "whatever your reaction, you were not given a choice. This is abuse. I am abusing you, and that is why, more than your age."

I drew back at that, hurt by the idea and the pain in his voice. He let me, but held my arms, not that I would've gone any further from him.

"It doesn't feel like abuse."

"Your feelings don't matter. That's what makes it abuse."

"My feelings matter to you," I argued, "I know they do. You always make me feel better and you don't need to do that to keep me alive. Anyway, if you don't care about me, why don't you just let Genesis have me?"

Angeal made a soft choking sound and his arms tightened around me. His large hand cupped the back of my head, gently massaging my scalp. I felt bad for asking that when I knew better.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Of course I care about you," he said. "But that excuses nothing. It's possible to love someone and only hurt them. Loving alone does not make us good or worthy."

Love. He said love.

"You're not hurting me, I swear you're not."

"You think that now." Angeal's lips brushed over my hair. "You may feel differently one day. There's every chance you'll grow up and do to someone else what I've done to you."

"I don't ever want to be with anyone else, I never will," I insisted.

"Hmm hmm, cadets are still children."

"Sir, you said it would have been okay if I was with Lieutenant Moray. So, it is okay for a cadet to be with a 1st Class."

He must have known where I was going, his answer was hesitant. "As long as the cadet is sixteen, it is not forbidden. Such a thing would be very hard on the cadet in question, though. He would be isolated from his peers and held to a higher standard."

"Aren't I already, sir? Besides, I don't care."

Angeal drew back a little and stroked my cheek with his fingers. "Zack, we do not know why Genesis became the way he is. Since he and I came to ShinRa, very little has happened to him that has not happened to me. In time, I may go the same way."

I gripped his arms. "No! No, you won't!"

"Ssh, Puppy. I will do all I can to keep that from happening, and I am. But that's another reason we should not be more to each other than we are."

I looked down to try to hide my disappointment and tears, but he tilted my chin back up and swept the pads of his fingers beneath my eyes.

"It's not the end of the world, Pup. Too much rain and the flowers will drown, you know."

"How could Genesis destroy them, in the clearing?" I sniffled. "Does he just not care what he ruins, who he hurts?"

"I'm sorry, Zack. I know you liked those flowers. They reminded you of home, didn't they?" Angeal asked.

"Yeah." I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. "He didn't have to tear them up like that. They die even if you just pick them. It makes me sad."

He brought me back to his chest and rubbed his cheek over my hair. "I will not let you die."

__

zfzfz

When the doorbell chimed a little while later, I waited in the living room as Angeal went to answer it. I was nervous, and not just because I didn't want to be made to talk about Moray. The Turks had a reputation for knowing everything that went on within ShinRa, and I worried that Tseng (however kindly Angeal spoke of him) would take one look at me and know everything I was holding back. Genesis, the murders, Angeal.

I stood up when he came in, a man of medium height with a serious face and a dark ponytail, and saw that he had someone with him. Turks often work in pairs, but this other was a boy definitely no older than me, though his expression attested to a maturity and experience I didn't have yet. He wore a suit, like Tseng, but unlike Tseng he had left off the tie, and he moved and stood as casually as he might in jeans and a T-shirt. His hair, also tied back, was a brilliant natural red that at once made me think of Malakh. And "Tseng's pet delinquent" that Instructor Okani had mentioned, this must be him.

Angeal came from behind them to stand next to me. "My student, Cadet Zack Fair. Zack, this is Commander Tseng of the Turks."

SOLDIERs don't salute Turks and vice versa, regardless of rank, but I nodded respectfully. "Commander."

"Cadet. Nice to meet you." He gave no sign that he had ever seen me before. "This is Reno, a Junior Turk whose training I am overseeing."

So it was the boy who'd been with him when Angeal and I encountered Tseng on the way back from the labs. Reno smiled at me slyly.

"Hi. You look better."

"Reno," Tseng said in a soft but warning tone, "would you rather be assisting Rod with paperwork?"

"Sorry, sorry! Didn't see nothin', certainly never saw him before." He looked at me and rolled his eyes in his superior's direction.

Angeal had turned one of the living room couches to face the other, and he and I sat down together on one of them, with the Turks opposite us. Tseng took a folder from his briefcase and passed it on to Reno; it seemed the Junior Turk was responsible for recording what Angeal and I said. Tseng also produced a tape recorder and set it on the table. I guess Turks are more thorough than people think, I thought.

"Any objection, Commander Hewley?"

"No."

"You wish to be present while I speak to the cadet?"

"Yes."

"He need not be here while I question you."

"I have nothing to say that Zack cannot know."

"Very well. We'll begin." Tseng started the tape recorder and spoke the date and time into it first. "Interview pertaining to the case of Moray, Colin, SOLDIER 1st Class, with Commander Angeal Hewley, SOLDIER 1st Class and Cadet Zack Fair, second-year. Commander Tseng recording, Junior Turk Reno assisting." 

His precision and emotionless voice made me feel nervous, like I was guilty of something and about to be found out, though I couldn't say what. Angeal gently squeezed my shoulder, all he would do in front of our guests, but it helped a bit. Reno frowned at both of us for a moment, but then he poised the pen over the file and prepared to take notes.

"Commander Hewley, please describe in your own words how you came to know Lieutenant Moray."

Angeal explained, in his steady voice, that he had heard many positive things about Moray for the last few years, but had only met him once prior to his promotion to 2nd Class. While under Angeal's jurisdiction, Moray had proven himself an excellent SOLDIER and was well-liked, and his elevation to 1st Class would have come sooner had Moray not favored firearms, which were a rare specialty for a SOLDIER. As a 1st, Moray had continued to excel and carry a reputation for loyalty and dependability. He had expressed an interest in gaining some executive experience to Sephiroth's assistant Lieutenant Keiga, and it was Keiga who both suggested him for Angeal's assistant and trained him for the job. Angeal had been pleased with Moray's work and dedication, and also considered him a friend. No one could fail to hear the sorrow in Angeal's voice when he spoke of his regret for the loss of a good man and SOLDIER.

While Reno scribbled, Tseng nodded gravely. "Would you describe Moray as a close friend?"

"A friend, but not very close, no. We did not normally see each other outside of work."

"He would not have confided in you, then, if he were struggling with a personal problem?"

"I don't believe so."

"What do you think caused Lieutenant Moray's death, Angeal?"

Angeal didn't hesitate or react to the use of his name. "Either he jumped, fell or was pushed from a high window. Beyond that, I leave the finding of answers to your greater skill. Tseng."

The Turk commander smiled evenly, as though acknowledging his equal. "What exactly were Lieutenant Moray's duties as your assistant?"

"He kept track of my schedule, helped with filing and paperwork, made my appointments, ran errands. Whatever I asked of him."

"Did many of these errands involve your student?"

The question was casual, not calculated, I thought, but a muscle in Angeal's jaw tensed. "Moray sometimes walked Zack to and from classes or the cafeteria, at my request."

"Ah. Is it usual for a SOLDIER apprentice to be watched so closely?"

"I would not know, Commander Tseng. I handle my student's training in my own way. And I don't believe my methods are relevant to this inquiry."

"Of course." Unfazed by Angeal's restrained anger, Tseng turned to me. "Cadet Fair, would you describe Lieutenant Moray as a friend?"

"Yes, sir. We didn't know each other for very long, but yes."

"Did he ever show any signs of depression in your presence? Mania? Instability?"

"No, sir. He was usually happy."

"You don't know of anything in his life that might have been upsetting him?"

Lying to other people wasn't nearly as awful for me as lying to Angeal, but I still hated doing it and didn't trust myself to do it well. I blinked innocently and spoke as vaguely as I could.

"Sir, Lieutenant Moray was a 1st Class. I'm only a cadet. I'm sure there were a lot of things he wouldn't have told me."

"Of course. Cadet, how often were you alone with Lieutenant Moray?"

I felt Angeal stiffen, though he hid it well. I pretended my fear was confusion; my particular brand of cuteness as a teenager lent itself well to innocence, whether genuine of feigned.

"Alone, sir? I can only remember one time, here, for a few hours. I was sick and he came to have lunch with me and cheer me up. Besides that, we only ever met in public or in Commander Hewley's presence."

"Did Lieutenant Moray on any occasion make improper advances toward you?"

My mouth fell open. "What?"

Angeal stood, fists clenched, and his eyes glowed a faint green. "Commander Tseng," he said in an icy voice, "I would like to speak to you privately for a moment."

"Of course, Commander Hewley. It's all right, Reno, we won't be long."

To his credit, Tseng showed no sign of apprehension as he reassured his subordinate, rose gracefully and followed Angeal into his bedroom. The moment the door closed, Reno looked at me with a mischievous smile. He wasn't my type (no one but Angeal was at the moment), but I noted that he was extremely pretty, with fine, pale white features and an alluring quality to his smile. His looks and youth would have made him seem innocent, but for the jaded, smirking manner he wore like a skin, or a shield. There was something guarded and wary about him for all his casual movements, and I wondered exactly how old he was.

"That Commander Hewley's kind of a scary guy, huh?" Reno commented passively.

"Only to those who deserve it."

"Eh, Tseng's not so bad. A little stuffy, needs to loosen up and get laid, but otherwise cool."

"I didn't think someone as important as him trained new Turks personally."

Reno shrugged. "He doesn't trust me to behave for any of the others."

"Should he?" I asked, smiling a bit.

"I just try to make their lives more interesting. They don't appreciate it. All I did to Rod was switch his cell phone's language to Wutainese. He'll figure out how to change it back eventually."

I laughed. "Why'd you do it?"

"I warned him he'd be sorry, but he wouldn't stop provoking me." Reno rolled his eyes. "He thought he was so funny, patting me on the head and taking Cissnei's shuriken away from me because he says I'm too young to play with sharp things. Real riot. Requirements for the Turks must've been pretty low when he got in."

"How old are you?" I asked hesitantly.

"Fifteen," he said defensively. "Why?"

"Aren't you kind of young to be a Turk?"

"Aren't you kind of cheerful to be a SOLDIER?" he fired back.

"Cheerful?" For the most part, I had recently been more anxious and less carefree than I could remember ever being.

"I mean normally." Reno smirked at my surprise. "Turks see everything that goes on with SOLDIER. And you stand out. You're some sort of prodigy, huh? Tseng has a bet with Legend that you'll be a 1st Class before you're twenty."

That was kind of flattering; new 1sts are usually between twenty-two and twenty-five. I shrugged.

"If I do, it'll be thanks to Commander Hewley. He's an excellent teacher."

I thought I saw Reno's smile slip a little, but decided I must have imagined it. Turks were high in the president's favor and had little to fear from anyone, but Angeal was kind of intimidating. I decided to reassure Reno, in case that was what bothered him.

"He's nicer than he seems. He has to be tough, but he really doesn't enjoy hurting anyone."

Reno seemed to relax a little. "Is he the kind of SOLDIER you want to be?"

"Yeah. I don't think I could ever be as strong or as quick as the commander is, though. He's second only to Sephiroth, you know."

"Yeah, but you've got a long time to catch up," Reno snickered. "The guy's, like, ancient."

"Hey, no he's not!" I said indignantly. "He's only ten years older than you."

"Okay, okay. He's not as ancient as Tseng, then, at least."

I frowned. "You know, I'll be lucky to be half as good as Commander Hewley by the time I'm his age."

"You better be. You're going to die when you're twenty-five."

Reno said this dully, in a flat, emotionless monotone. The second he had it out he saw my expression of shock and horror, and he went pale and clapped a hand over his mouth. His eyes were wide, and I could see their color clearly for the first time, a rich green like the ferns that surrounded Angeal's clearing. His hand slowly slipped down from his face, and the hurt pout that he wore made him look his age.

"Why did you say that?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from shaking. There had been such certainty, such prophetic certainty in the pronouncement that came out of nowhere.

He only stared at me miserably. Before I could ask again, Angeal's door opened, and he and Tseng came back to us. The Turk noticed Reno's uneasiness immediately and moved close to him, seeming to forget about me, and about Angeal, who nodded reassuringly to me and then looked curiously back and forth between the Junior Turk and me.

"Reno, what's wrong?"

"Tseng, it happened again," Reno said timidly. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right," Tseng said as a stony resolve came over his face. He ran his hand lightly over Reno's hair, just what Angeal would've done for me. "You know it's not your fault."

Tseng turned to me, his expression harder than ever. "Cadet, I'm going to ask you a question. You will answer with yes or no only, do you understand?"

I nodded, breathing a little easier when Angeal put his arm around me.

"Did Reno say something strange to you just now?"

"Yes, sir."

"Try to forget it. And more importantly, you are not to repeat what he said to you to anyone, or you will buy yourself trouble that even your mentor cannot save you from."

"Threaten my student again and your Turks will have a new death to investigate, Commander," Angeal said in a voice full of venom.

"It's okay, sir. What I heard doesn't leave this room."

Tseng nodded, but I'd actually been looking at and speaking to Reno, who looked ghostly and trembling and like he'd soon be crying if tears came as easily to him as they did to me (which seemed unlikely). I could only manage a fake, shocked smile to tell him I wasn't angry, but the one he answered with was just as unhappy, so I doubt he minded. Tseng took him by the elbow and gently pulled him up, grabbing his briefcase with his other hand and heading to the door.

"Thank you for your time, Commander, Cadet."

I remembered something important just as they were about to go, and I couldn't let this opportunity go, however bad the timing might be. "Commander Tseng, wait!"

He turned back to face me with a look of warning. "Cadet?"

"It's not about...that, sir, I just...do you know if Cadet Yamura has been found?"

His eyes softened at once, and now he regarded me kindly. "A search of the Compound is being conducted, at the general's request. We've found no sign of Yamura yet. We suspect he may have gone AWOL, and are making inquiries of his family and friends in Wutai."

"AWOL? Kono wouldn't do that, sir."

"Rest assured, Cadet, unless he's truly vanished into thin air, we will find him. Yamura's young and his record is spotless, Commander Lefler will probably give him another chance." Tseng's mood had shifted completely, his voice was soothing. "It happens sometimes, a cadet gets in over his head, overwhelmed by the program, and takes off, usually heading home. It's early yet to worry. If Yamura should contact you, be sure you tell your mentor and he'll get the information to me."

He sounded so calm and reasonable, I couldn't help but nod. "Thank you, sir."

"I'm sorry," Reno whispered, and Tseng put an arm around him. He didn't look at Reno the way Angeal looked at me, but he did behave with him more gently than I ever would have expected from a Turk.

"It's okay. Really."

As the door shut behind them, I turned to Angeal, who said "I don't think Tseng knows anything about you and Moray. It was merely a Turk strategy to lower your defenses and make you more vulnerable to his prodding."

"Sir, Reno said - "

Angeal shook his head. "Tseng is not one of my favorite people right now, but he's no fool. If he says you ought to forget it, you should try. At least let it go no further. Yes, I noticed you said it wouldn't leave this room, so you could tell me without breaking your word."

"I can't forget it," I said softly.

"Maybe I can help."

He took my hand as gracefully as a dancer beckoning his partner, and brought me to our usual spot in the kitchen. He must have meant it about wanting to help, because he drew it out to an almost torturous length, bringing me close and then shifting his touches for a little while to my thighs or stomach, once even pressing his palm suggestively against the seam that ran down the center of the seat of my uniform pants. Only once, though; I think he realized that was a cruel tease, for both of us.

Somehow I didn't beg through all of this, giving all the noise I could make to moans and whimpers and groans of frustration. I wanted it to go on forever, amazing and unbearable as it was, even after I put Reno's words out of my mind and the idea that I had less than ten years of life left in me. I felt alive as Angeal brought me to the brink again and again. I wondered if he intended that, if he somehow knew.

Finally I could take no more, and I gasped, "Please." Angeal's fingers, which he had moistened and had been using to tease my nipples erect, pushed between my legs without a moment's delay and gave me the soul-splitting orgasm I craved. Afterward, he half-carried me to my room, where he undressed me, handling my heavy and boneless limbs effortlessly. He lay me down on the bed and wordlessly took me into his mouth, patiently laving for the couple minutes it took me to harden again, before sucking me, lifting my hips right off the bed to get as much of me between his lips as he could.

The last bit of my stubborn consciousness spilled into his throat, the last thing I heard a breathless "Sweet dreams, Puppy". He was still licking me clean as I drifted off to sleep.

**To be continued!**


	16. And Save You From Yourself

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 16 - And Save You From Yourself**

 

The next day I should have been worried about Kono, about Genesis, about who might be the next body to turn up. But I couldn't stop thinking about how Angeal had basically admitted to loving me, and it was hard to keep a dopey grin off my face. Angeal and I did sword-sparring for hours, and at one point he threatened to smack me with the flat of his blade if I didn't pay attention.

"Like a spanking?" I asked coyly, and he rolled his eyes and came at me with more strength and speed than usual.

A week passed, with no word of Kono and my training reaching a new level of difficulty and intensity. I doubt these were unrelated. Angeal was pushing me to become a better fighter and thus more capable of defending myself, but he was also keeping me as distracted and busy as possible. He spoke frequently to Tseng and did not delay in relating to me that a sighting of Kono had been reported near Corel, but there was no news from his people in Wutai, no concrete proof of where he might be and in what condition. Angeal reassured me, let me express my worry, and stubbornly dragged me on to the next lesson.

At first, my classmates could talk of nothing else - Kono's disappearance replaced Moray's death as the hot subject of gossip. Most agreed that shy, polite Cadet Yamura had either cracked under pressure or his illness had gotten worse, and he had gone home without leave. Those who argued that Kono wasn't the type to break rules had no explanation for his absence, and ridiculous rumors surfaced, probably from the gullible first-years. Cadet Yamura had been recruited by the Turks and was employed as a spy in Costa del Sol. Cadet Yamura had summoned Ifrit without supervision and been devoured alive. Cadet Yamura had been kidnapped by the Science Department and was now a laboratory specimen for creepy Dr. Hojo. I mentioned this last theory to Angeal, trying to laugh it off, and he assured me quite seriously that such a thing could not happen without either Sephiroth or himself being made aware of it.

The instructors sternly forbid this kind of talk in the classrooms, but they couldn't stop it in the cafeteria and hallways. I was at last allowed to walk short distances on my own (on bright days only, in public, and sometimes not even then), but I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. The other cadets stared at me with either curiosity or sympathy, and Briggs came right up to me after Materia class and smirked, saying "If you want my opinion, Commander Hewley decided to eliminate the competition." I was too furious and frozen to react fast enough. Malakh, who was walking with me, stepped forward and broke Briggs's nose with his fist. They both lost weapons privileges for a week.

Malakh changed a little in the weeks following Kono's disappearance. He still cracked jokes and kept up a rarely-faltering stream of witty and/or offensive comments, but said nothing inappropriate about Sephiroth that Kono would have scolded him for. Previously seventh in our class for his excellence in survival skills, unarmed combat and navigation, Malakh showed an impressive improvement in Tactics, once his worst subject, undoubtedly because he'd begun to study with the same zeal he'd once teased Kono for. I think that was his way of honoring Kono, who we knew might very well be dead. He began spending a near-obsessive amount of time at the shooting range too, and I know he thought of Lieutenant Moray while he held a perfect stance and passed hours improving his aim and speed.

I went with him for one of these sessions, claiming that Angeal wanted me to have some familiarity with firearms, which was true. But really, I just didn't think it was good for him to be alone so much. I watched, nodding approvingly, as he fired shot after shot from his Peacemaker into the major arteries and vital organs of a human-shaped paper target. I awkwardly aimed a borrowed Quicksilver at the adjacent target and jumped each time it went off, clipping the edges of the paper and once hitting the right forearm.

"Gaia, Fair, my dead grandmother can shoot better than you," Malakh observed idly. "It's good to know there's at least one thing you suck at."

"You've gotten better. I hear you're number two now, right behind me."

He grinned. "Don't worry, I still have no ambition."

"Then what's going on with you?" I asked, though I thought I knew.

"I don't know. It's weird, isn't it? We're gonna be SOLDIERs in a matter of months. Go on dangerous missions, know all the time that our friends might not make it back. We might not make it back. I knew this...but I didn't expect to face it so soon."

I put the Quicksilver down on the counter in front of me and turned to face him. "We don't know Kono's dead. We can't think like that."

"Cheerful Zack," Malakh said dully. "Even you're rarely as bouncy as you used to be."

"Who could be, with all that's happened?"

"You're talking about more than what all the cadets know, aren't you?" He rested the gun barrel on his shoulder and smiled at me sadly. "I wormed it out of Kono, you know. That you two were trying to solve the murders. That's what you were talking about that day in the cafeteria, about something you wanted to show him, right? Before he went missing? Some information you got ahold of."

"Malakh, I can't talk to you about that," I said quietly.

"Right. Through your mentor, you must become aware of a lot of things you're not allowed to repeat."

I thought of Reno's pale, horrified face and quickly pushed it out of my mind. "No...well, I guess, but I meant that some things aren't safe to talk about. They weren't, at least, and I can't be sure they are yet."

"Damn, Zack, just what are you mixed up in?" he asked. "Does it have to do with the murders? With Kono?"

I shook my head, not trusting my voice even enough for a vague denial.

"With Commander Rhapsodos, maybe?"

I stared at him, with eyes that must have been the size of materia spheres. He read my look of stunned fear and nodded grimly.

"He was the guy who used to visit our Weapons Training lessons toward the end of last year, and at the beginning of this one. I noticed how he spoke to no one, and the way he stared at you. Like a stalker. He never came again after you were withdrawn from class, not once. And it's being whispered that Commander Rhapsodos is missing too, that he disappeared without a word and even the 1st Classes don't know where or why."

"What makes you think I know anything?" I mumbled.

Malakh shrugged. "He's Commander Hewley's pal, isn't he, an old friend? Or maybe he's the reason Commander Hewley's had nearly the whole 1st Class watching you like a hawk."

"He just...worries," I said lamely.

"He must have a reason."

"I don't know."

"You do know. If he's putting you in danger, why doesn't the commander assign you to someone else?"

"I don't want to be assigned to anyone else!" I nearly exploded, causing Malakh to start. "And it's not his fault!"

Malakh looked at me for a long few moments without blinking, then his face broke into a wistful smile. "Oh...you've got it bad, haven't you?"

"What?"

"Commander Hewley. You like him."

"You're delusional."

"And you're blushing." Malakh grinned with amusement. "I can't believe I didn't see it earlier. I'm losing my keen powers of observation."

"You're losing your mind, you mean," I said stubbornly.

"Oh, c'mon, hand on heart, I won't tell. This is too cute."

He wasn't going to let it go. I refused to meet his eyes and put on the most miserable expression I could, hoping he'd take the hint that I didn't want to discuss it. His smile became sympathetic.

"Aw, Zack, I'm sorry. I don't mean to tease. Hey, there's no shame in it. He's a hot guy. But he's your mentor. He never even smiles."

"I know," I said, thinking that one didn't matter to me and the other wasn't true.

"Is it just a crush? If so, might be good to start seeing someone else. No shortage of available guys in our class who'd love the chance. Or if you want to go higher, I bet you could even snag a 1st Class. There must be at least one seme in there looking for a pretty thing with eyes like yours."

"You're not helping."

"I'm trying."

I smiled at him, remembering that the expression used to come to me more easily. "I know. I appreciate it."

"Does Commander Hewley know?"

"He's...kind about it."

"Good." Malakh looked down at the floor, uncharacteristically hesitant. "What about Lieutenant Moray?"

I spoke past the lump in my throat, wondering if it would ever go away. "Did he know, you mean?"

"Did you know. About him. Did he ever tell you?"

"Yes. He liked me, and now he's dead. What does it matter?"

"Those two facts aren't related. Why do you say them like they are?" I looked away from him to hide the truth he might have glimpsed in my face. "I'm sorry. You know how bad I am with talking."

"About as bad as I am at shooting?"

"Hey, let's not go that far."

I smiled. "You got to see Sephiroth up close. What did you think?"

Malakh groaned and then laughed, turning the Peacemaker over in his hands. "I better not say. I might offend your delicate virgin ears."

"Really?"

"Nah." He looked serious, unwilling to make the kind of suggestive comments he'd once spouted. "Kono was right. He's a person. An unbelievably hot person, though. No one should be that perfect. It's a huge tease."

"I don't think he means to be."

"Do you get to see him all the time?" Now that our conversation had veered into a lighter topic, Malakh looked me eagerly, with unconcealed envy.

"No, just sometimes. He's..." 'Nice' didn't seem like an appropriate word. "Fascinating."

"Yeah, well, don't get any ideas. If he mentions wanting some cadet action, point him my way."

"Don't hold your breath," I laughed.

"I know. Fun to imagine, though. We could've double-dated, you and me and the general and the commander."

"And you would have told Kono every detail, to get him to make that scandalized facial expression," I said softly.

A grim hardness came into Malakh's eyes. "If Kono is...gone, and you get to help bring down the bastard responsible, try and put in a word for me, will you? I've got some bullets with his name on them."

"I will try. But remember, he'd want you to fight and improve for yourself, not for him."

"What do they teach us here, Zack, above all other virtues? Loyalty." Malakh smiled sadly, resolutely. "We're all SOLDIER here. When one of us is lost, we all lose something. We can't fight only for ourselves."

I nodded seriously to him, thinking of how much older Malakh seemed since Kono went missing. That thought led me unwillingly to the memory of Reno, the young Turk, and I wondered what might have happened to him to wipe the look of a child from his eyes. Only announcing the year of my death made him look vulnerable, maybe a reaction to the future vulnerability he somehow saw in me.

A door behind Malakh and I opened, and a 1st Class named Lt. Tilton stuck his head in. "Cadet Fair? I've been asked to bring you back to the White Building."

"Yes, sir. I've got to go..."

Malakh nearly grinned. "The commander does keep you on a tight leash, doesn't he? That's kind of hot."

I won't lie and say that the word 'leash' didn't make me imagine a single role-playing scenario, but it passed quickly, and I blame Malakh's perverted influence.

__

zfzfz

I saw Sephiroth again the next time Angeal brought me to his office. Angeal was still uncertain whether or not he'd replace Lt. Moray at all, as it clearly wasn't safe to be his assistant, and Genesis couldn't be kept comatose forever.

"The only thing to do," I told him, "is to pick one who hates me. And you, if possible."

Angeal laughed at me from his desk. "I may have difficulty with that. I don't think even the grumpiest SOLDIER could resist your charm."

"Does that mean you can't?"

"Eyes on your work, Puppy."

I was sitting on the floor with the filing cabinet and boxes of loosely organized documents, just like the first time I'd been here. Still boring work for someone like me, with more energy than attention span, but I was actually enjoying it now. Lt. Moray had done this cheerfully enough, and besides, I liked Angeal's office. It didn't have many personal touches - an interesting rock from Wutai he used as a paperweight, a pair of ceremonial staffs from Banora that were displayed on the wall, a copy of the photograph from the apartment that he kept in his desk - but it was full of his presence.

And, of course, it was an excuse to be with Angeal, just the two of us. I dutifully filed the forms and reports into their proper places, happy to be of help to him. Now and then I would glance over and catch his eye, and he would smile at me before returning his focus to the computer screen.

"Sir?" I asked, breaking the comfortable silence.

"You can call me Angeal when we're alone, Zack."

I grinned with amazement. "Seriously? That'll take some getting used to."

"What's your question?"

"...uh...I can't remember."

"It'll come back to you," he chuckled.

"Oh, yeah! Sir...um, Angeal...wow, that's weird...what will happen with Genesis when he wakes up?"

Looking more solemn, Angeal said, "He will not be allowed to regain consciousness until we have decided on a means of controlling him. Hollander is working on it, but there is no chemical I know of that suppresses cruelty."

"There must be a reason Genesis doesn't care who he hurts."

"He had some odd notions about what is hurting and what is not," he said quietly. "Even when we were children."

"Do you think that's something that can be fixed?" I asked.

"I long hoped that time and patience and kindness would do it. I made the mistake of letting an unhappy childhood excuse too much."

"Unhappy, like how?"

Angeal frowned at the polished surface of his desk, his mind detached completely from his work. "Genesis's father is the mayor of Banora, a popular and well-liked man. But the truth behind this facade is a much darker picture. The mayor did and probably still does abuse his wife, in more ways than one."

I couldn't hide my horror and disgust at that. I wasn't completely naive, I knew such things happened, but if there had been any examples in Gongaga, I had never heard about them while growing up. My own parents were, are, the happiest married couple I've ever seen. Angeal nodded at my reaction.

"Genesis adored his father as a child. The abuse was never directed at him, as far as I know, and he watched his mother suffer and only become more and more attentive and devoted to her husband. I'm not surprised he left home with no comprehension of emotional pain and what causes it."

"Does that have anything to do with why he came to ShinRa so young?"

"Thirteen seemed old enough to begin the mako regimen and SOLDIER training, and Hollander convinced the mayor to give into Genesis's pleas to be allowed to go. Hollander brought me at the same time, earlier than he had planned, and I believe he did so to disguise the true reason for his timing. He is a kind man in his heart, fond of Genesis and I, and was unwilling to let Genesis remain in that unhealthy environment."

"But it didn't fix him. Coming here."

"Some wounds can never be fully healed," Angeal mused, "some lessons can never be unlearned. Sephiroth and I and Hollander became Genesis's family, and most of the time all was well. But every so often, he would display his father's coldness and disregard for everything but himself and what he wanted. It's only gotten worse over time. There may be no way to help him."

"So what will happen?" I asked, feeling an uncomfortable pity for the man I feared more than any other.

"If an answer is not forthcoming, if Genesis will not willingly change his ways, Hollander will probably cage him in the lab and continue to look for a better solution. But I think Sephiroth would kill Genesis rather than see him restrained like that."

"I don't want him to have to do that," I whispered.

"I don't either, Pup, nor does Sephiroth. But he will put his friend and the safety of his SOLDIERs above the interests of scientists and above his own feelings, he always has. At times, you remind me a bit of him."

A comparison to Sephiroth, like a comparison to Angeal, is not a compliment that you take lightly or dare to argue. I smiled and bowed my head a little, as Kono might have done.

"Besides," Angeal went on, "I know, as Sephiroth does, that Genesis would prefer death to that kind of life. And better that Sephiroth destroy Genesis for his own sake rather than on orders from ShinRa."

"Would the president really do that?"

"As a last resort, yes."

"To you too?" I managed to choke out, furiously telling myself not to think that Angeal could ever become the monster Genesis was.

Angeal knew what I was thinking, as he nearly always did. He rose from his chair behind the desk, came to stand right in front of me and cupped my face in his warm hand.

"Don't worry, Zack. I'm fine, and I plan to stay that way."

"Then why can't we..."

I let my voice trail off, because he'd understand, but even more because I couldn't think how to phrase what I wanted from him. Everything, every bit of him he was willing to give me. It seemed selfish in a way, even though I knew he cared for me too, and I would happily give him all of me in exchange.

"Genesis, your age, the nature of this relationship and what I've done to you," Angeal listed softly, "the suspicion of my influence clouding every honor and promotion you will ever receive, the value of you to me which my and ShinRa's enemies will use to their advantage. And there's the fact that you are young and have not had the kind of casual relationships that every young person should. You cannot be ready for the kind of commitment I would ask of you."

"What kind is that?" I murmured, losing myself in his eyes.

"Exclusive. Permanent," he said, brushing his fingers down my upturned face and over my lips.

I caught them this time, he wasn't fast enough. I took his index and middle fingers into my mouth and sucked them, more urgently than I intended because I expected Angeal to snatch his hand away immediately. My eyes shut instinctively, so at least I wouldn't see him recoil from me, but seconds passed and he had not yet drawn away. I wasn't thinking too clearly, but I wondered if Angeal was frozen, if I had shocked him that much.

I leaned forward automatically when I felt his hand shift, but he was only turning it so his thumb could trace the line of my jaw. I don't think I can describe the taste of Angeal's skin. It was clean and had just a hint of salt, and I moaned softly from the pleasure of it. I dipped my head a little, trying to get them further into my mouth.

When they slipped out they did so slowly, not in a panic, and I could feel the warmth of Angeal's hand lingering nearby. Undaunted, I found it with my tongue and lapped at it, prompting a soft noise of surprise from Angeal. On my knees, leaning forward on my knuckles, I was licking his hand eagerly. I sensed what he was thinking, the way I could hear him when he glared. Like a puppy. A trained puppy. A puppy he trained. Angeal yanked his hand back at exactly the moment I expected.

I opened my eyes, breathing heavily, to watch him walk back toward his desk and put his hands over his face, one of them still wet from my tongue. I could see his arms tremble slightly, though the rest of him remained straight and still. I felt younger in that moment, worried I had hurt him. He'd told me on our first day together that I was capable of harming him. I knew what he meant by that, now.

"Angeal?" I called timidly. The name came out easily now, like I'd been born knowing it and had long waited for the chance to say it.

He turned back to me and let his hands drop, and to my surprise, he was smiling. The only startling thing about him was the overly bright green glow of mako in his eyes, which dimmed down to its normal level as I watched.

"Deep, slow breaths, Zack," he said quietly, with a hint of unsteadiness. "We still have work to do."

I did as he wanted, obediently going back to the files and breathing so that the flush faded from my face. He nodded, and before he could sit down at the desk again a knock sounded briskly at the door.

"Enter."

Sephiroth came in, moving as always with a silent grace. He smiled faintly at me and shook his head when I made to get up before turning his attention to Angeal. I knew I should keep working and give them at least the illusion of privacy, but I found myself staring idly at Sephiroth's hair and feeling an impulse to touch it. It fell past his waist, a shimmering silver waterfall that had to be a pain for him at times. I wondered why he kept it so long. It was beautiful and striking, certainly, and did seem to lend an icy, inhuman quality to his appearance.

"What can I do for you, Seph? You could have called, you know, I would have come to you."

"I have been encouraged to...make myself more visible around the Compound," the general said, sounding a bit perplexed. "Apparently the cadets and lower classes train more effectively when they believe I may be watching."

"Well, naturally," Angeal said with a smile. "So what brings you, visibly, to this place?"

"Hollander has not reported Genesis's condition, today or yesterday. There is no response from his work and personal lines. Both his office and the room he moved Genesis to have been locked by his keycard."

A grim worry came over Angeal's face. "Does Hojo still have the lab override code?"

"He will meet us at the door."

Angeal looked at me, then back to Sephiroth, who nodded. I jumped up, glad that I had begun carrying my sword with me at all times, as Angeal did. I attached it to the magnet sheath on my back that was part of my uniform and followed them, not arguing my mentor's murmured order to remain close to him. Neither said anything until we were outside in the sunshine, and Sephiroth abruptly turned to me.

"Recovered completely, have you? Did you have any lingering side effects from the Selatacyn?"

"I don't think so, sir. Like what?"

"It is thought by some that the drug causes nightmares," Sephiroth said quietly. Angeal glanced at him when he said this, and a flash of hurt lit his eyes. "Did you have any?"

"No, sir. None I remember, at least. I rarely remember my dreams for more than a minute after I wake up," I said honestly.

"That is good," he said shortly, though why it was good, he didn't explain.

Hojo was waiting, looking bored and impatient, at the door whose lock Moray had once checked. He had it open already, and his eyes flickered up indifferently as we approached. Angeal seemed impatient; he stepped in front of Sephiroth to put himself closest to the doctor.

"Have you opened either room yet?"

"Oh, no, Commander," Hojo said, with a hint of annoyance. "Sephiroth was quite adamant that you be present for that."

Angeal made a hurried gesture to Hojo that he should go ahead, and we followed him through several rooms, all of which he unlocked with a keycard. Some had examining tables like the first, others strange equipment whose uses I couldn't even imagine. One room whose open door we passed was small, containing only a sink, cupboards and a padded examining table with metal restraints attached to it. I felt a shiver of fear at the sight of it and wondered if I was seeing things I wasn't supposed to. I couldn't ask Angeal, he was busy concentrating, and it looked like Sephiroth was too. He stared hard at the floor until we reached a locked door, heavy metal like the others. By the way we stopped at it, I gathered this must be it.

"I trust the cadet knows that what he sees in these labs is confidential?" Hojo asked idly as he accessed the keycard control, as though he'd read my thoughts.

"Yes, he does," Angeal said shortly. "Zack, this is where Genesis is kept. Most likely he is still comatose, but I want you to get behind me anyway, and stay there."

"Yes, sir," I said, concealing myself in the shadow of his larger frame.

"Open it, Doctor."

With a thin frown, Hojo adjusted his glasses and quickly punched a long string of numbers into the keypad. The door slid open, and he stepped back. Sephiroth went forward first, eager to get in before Angeal, I guess, hoping that if Genesis was awake he could try to talk to him before Angeal could get to him. Angeal had his Buster Sword drawn, and there was tension in the arm that held me back as we entered. I saw Sephiroth's shoulders slump dejectedly, a weird sight to observe on someone with unnaturally perfect posture.

Afraid and curious both, I peered a little farther around Angeal's body. There was an examining table in the center of the room, beside an overturned tray of instruments. It was empty. 

**To be continued!**


	17. Like I Do

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 17 - Like I Do**

 

"Damn it," Angeal swore softly.

Sephiroth's eyes, bright with alertness, flickered from the table to a door on the opposite wall. "Doctor," he said, nodding to it.

"Is that Hollander's office?" I murmured to Angeal.

"Yes. There are two ways in, one here and one from the front lab rooms. They lock and unlock the same way."

"Then you have a problem, it seems," Hojo said calmly, stepping back from the keypad. "He must have changed the entry code."

I knew from the first time I met him that Hojo was unlikable, but it still shocked and disgusted me how bored he seemed with this whole thing. Maybe he didn't know Genesis well enough to care about him, but Hollander had been his colleague for years, and now he could be dead or injured or the prisoner of a mad blood-drinker. How could Hojo be so disinterested, so unconcerned? I was so naive. At the time, I had no idea what that monster was capable of.

Sephiroth glanced at Hojo, like he too really wished the doctor was elsewhere. "Back against the far wall, all of you."

Angeal wasted no time obeying and neither did Hojo; I guessed they must know what the general was planning to do. Angeal put me between him and the wall, and I barely managed to get up on tiptoe and see over his shoulder what happened next. Sephiroth faced the metal door, extended his hand toward it, and a ball of flame burst from his fingers with such force that it hit the door like an explosion. As we approached, we found the door half-melted and just barely hanging by a single hinge.

Sephiroth looked at it passively. Hojo giggled quietly, looking as pleased as a cat toying with a mouse. I suppressed the overwhelming urge to kick him.

"That was awesome!" I exclaimed, and the general smiled faintly. "I've never seen anyone use Fire materia like that! Hold on...where did you equip it?"

Sephiroth was not wearing armor or accessories, only the famous Masamune, which had no slots that I could see. 

"I did not," he said simply, and stepped into Hollander's office. Angeal went next, and I followed.

The place wasn't a complete wreck or splashed with blood, as I feared it might be, but it had obviously been disturbed. The desk drawers had been ransacked and left askew, books had been torn from the shelves and littered the floor. Angeal and Sephiroth examined the desk and the floor for clues, while Hojo hurried directly to an uncovered wall safe that was hanging open. He seemed agitated as he drew out of it a black binder, and found it empty. I caught a glimpse of what was printed on the cover - 'Project G, Classified'.

"Have you found something, Doctor?" Sephiroth asked.

"A folder in which Hollander was keeping the plans for a new generator or some such nonsense." Hojo casually replaced the binder, relocked the safe and hung a painting over it. "Nothing helpful."

Angeal stared past Hojo at the painting for a few moments. It was a country scene of windmills and meadows with apple trees against a blue sky. I looked at it, then questioningly at Angeal, and he shook his head.

"We must assume Genesis is awake and has escaped, with Hollander as his captive."

"The president will have to be notified," Hojo commented. He was watching Sephiroth the way little boys look at a butterfly whose wings they're about to pull off.

"I am aware of that," the general said evenly. He didn't once look at the doctor directly.

"I can do it," Angeal offered.

"Thank you, Commander, but news of this magnitude should come directly from me. SOLDIER must be alerted, all likely avenues of escape must be watched. Turks will have to be deployed."

"At least let me talk to Tseng."

Sephiroth nodded, and the expression of hurt and regret on his face faded to blankness and hardened into his usual alert calm. He strode out of the room with even, purposeful steps, back to the infallible general everyone knew, and no one. Angeal watched him go with a sad and helpless look in his eyes. Hojo stared after Sephiroth too, scribbling hastily in a small black book he'd produced from his lab coat.

My hands literally curled into fists. How could he watch Sephiroth, whom he'd raised, go through something so hard and take notes on what he was doing? I turned to Angeal, expecting the same outrage, and found him staring at the doctor with the blackest expression of hate I had ever seen on a human face.

__

zfzfz

I wanted to question Angeal about that look he'd given Hojo, but I doubted he would want to talk about it. We spent the rest of the day sword-sparring, I think as much to get his mind off things as to give me practice. It made me feel better too, to think how much faster and more skillful I had become since our first spar. Wondering if he remembered it as well as I did, I aimed a kick at his shin and in an instant found myself hanging upside-down by the ankle. The fond, deep laugh that poured out of Angeal gave me my answer.

He walked me to the cafeteria that evening, and I realized that I didn't mind at all when he did it. I didn't care what the other cadets might think. I was proud to be seen with him. Heck, I would have kissed him in public if I could have, if I'd been allowed to kiss him at all. He had to speak to Tseng again, but returned in time to walk me back.

"Will the general be all right?" I asked the second we were back in the apartment.

"Yes. You noticed he was upset."

"Uh-huh. I know Genesis is his friend, but..."

"It's more than that," Angeal said softly. "He blames himself."

"But...why? He didn't cause any of this."

"Genesis has been jealous of Sephiroth since we were children. I'm sure Sephiroth is wondering how much of Genesis's anger comes from that." Angeal leaned thoughtfully against the back of one of the couches. "I've told him not to think such things, but he rarely listens to advice of that kind. Like you."

I smiled weakly.

"And of course, Genesis is a 1st Class."

I understood. "Sephiroth feels responsible for all the 1st Classes."

Angeal nodded.

"I thought maybe...he might also be worried that what happened to Genesis could happen to him."

"Like you're worried about me?" I shifted my feet guiltily, and he sighed and opened his arms. "Come here, Puppy."

I didn't need to be told twice. He gathered me to his warm chest and tucked my hand under his chin. I took deep, slow breaths, enjoying his scent with every inhale, and reveled in this feeling of happiness and safety.

"I'm handling it, Zack. Don't worry."

Might as well ask a river not to run, but I nodded. "Are you worried about Sephiroth?"

"Frequently," he said with a soft laugh, "but Hollander told us he was certain that Genesis's problem would not happen with Sephiroth."

"Didn't you all always get the same treatments?"

"Genesis and I took treatments together, and if Sephiroth was having his at the same time, we were often allowed to be together before and after. But not during. We, Genesis and I, were under Hollander's supervision, and Sephiroth under Hojo's. I suppose the doctors have different methods and wish to keep the other from knowing them. Hojo especially, he was always secretive and suspicious."

"You really hate him, don't you?" I whispered.

"Yes. He will be administering my treatments in Hollander's absence, and I'm not looking forward to that."

"You're not gonna tell me why, are you?" Angeal nuzzled my hair with his face and said nothing. "I can't imagine what it must be like to be raised by him. How did Sephiroth survive it?"

There was a pause before Angeal spoke. "What's the first thing you learned about elemental strengths and weaknesses?"

"That everyone has them, no matter how great or small they are," I remembered. It made me think of Sephiroth earlier that day, shooting a fireball out of his bare hand as casually as anyone else would turn a doorknob.

"Yes," Angeal murmured, "and it applies to all areas of life, not just magic. Some things immediately and visibly wound us, some things immediately and visibly make us stronger. But the world isn't divided into strengths and weaknesses."

"So, what do we do with all the stuff in the middle?"

"We absorb it. It works its way through our skins into the heart of us, and lays dormant there, and it may be a long time before we know if it's tested us or merely hurt us."

"You're talking about me too, aren't you?" I said, quietly so I could hear his heartbeat. "You think one day I'll believe you abused me. If you care about how I feel, then shouldn't it matter most what I feel right now?"

"You were afraid that first day with me." Angeal's hands moved rhythmically in their usual places, up and down my back and over my hair. "You smiled at me with those trusting, pale blue eyes, but when I put you on the kitchen floor, you can't tell me you wanted that, or would have chosen it."

"I figured it was a test," I said stubbornly, "and now those are some of my favorite times. I put my trust in you and I'm glad I did. It was a test, and I'm fine now, I passed."

"I didn't," he whispered. "I told myself I would keep you safe and let you grow up and choose for yourself. And instead..."

"I choose you," I said desperately, hugging him tighter. "Why can't you get that through your thick head? If you want me, why don't you want this?"

"I do. You'd probably be frightened if you knew how much I do. But I told you my reasons."

"They're all dumb."

He laughed again, and pressed a kiss onto my head. It almost physically hurt to know that he wouldn't do that to my lips.

"Angeal, you're a strength, not a weakness. And I don't need time to know that."

He buried his face in my hair, and held me like that for a long time.

__

zfzfz

I had told Sephiroth the truth about rarely remembering my dreams for long. The last one that stuck with me had been the one that came the night before my mako test, and only because it had been unusually vivid, and led to a day that I knew I'd never forget. Maybe it was because Sephiroth mentioned nightmares to me, or maybe I was just stressed about Genesis being out there somewhere, or maybe what Reno had said to me was pushed from my mind so many times that it came back with a vengeance. I think it was all three. But whatever the cause, I had possibly the worst, most realistic dream of my life that night.

It's fuzzy now, like scrapbook pages flipping so fast that only the briefest glimpses are possible. There was a desert, and rain that turned a high, barren bluff to mud. I was dying, not like a hero, but terrified that I hadn't been able to save anyone, that nothing I'd done made a difference. There was someone with me I had to take care of and couldn't leave, and I knew with a certainty that crushed my heart that Sephiroth was dead. Worse than that, Angeal was dead, and the world was upside-down and torn apart and all I could see was death death death, flames and corpses and a pair of eyes that were blue like the sky and filled with tears. The mouth beneath them screamed, and someone else was screaming, hysterically - 

And I was back in my dark bedroom being shaken by Angeal, and I realized the noise had been coming from me. I stopped, stared at him numbly for a moment. Then I heard the soft sound of rain falling outside, and I was sobbing and I couldn't hold it back. Angeal brought me close and held me as tightly as he could without hurting me, and the wailing I made was muffled into his T-shirt. He had run in without throwing a robe or more clothes on, even though ShinRa's residential buildings tended to be cold at night.

Angeal held my head against the rapid thumping inside his chest, and that, even more than his arms or the rocking motion he made, slowly convinced me that he was alive. It was dark still, late, though my eyes were too blurry to see the exact time. A dream, then, it must have been, but it was so real, I was dazed with shock to find myself dry and unhurt. I don't know how long it took me to calm down enough to speak. Maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour, but Angeal's grip never loosened once, and as his heartbeat returned to normal, I could feel myself doing the same.

"You're...alive?" I gasped.

"Of course, Puppy," he said gently. "I'm right here."

A fresh flood of tears spilled out of my eyes, relieved ones now. "And Sephiroth is alive?"

"Yes. You were having a nightmare. It's over now."

"Angeal," I whispered, shaking even in his solid embrace, "everyone was dead, even the ground was dry and dead, and I was dying and I couldn't save anyone..."

He sighed and laid his cheek on top of my head. "It's common to dream your worst fears. Your mind is just trying to deal with all the stress and worry you've been feeling."

"I woke you up, didn't I?"

"Don't worry about that," Angeal said with a brief laugh. "I'm just glad you're okay. The way you were screaming, I thought - "

"Genesis?"

He squeezed me instinctively, the way he always did when I mentioned that name. "He can't get in here. But I was in a panic, not thinking clearly. As a 1st, I really shouldn't be admitting that."

"I won't tell," I said, soothed enough by his presence to be getting drowsy again. "I think...I'm okay now."

"You're still shaking."

"You should go back to sleep. You can go," I told him, trying to sound casual.

"Do you really want me to?" He drew back a little and smiled as he wiped my tears, knowing I couldn't convincingly lie to him. "Come on."

"Where?" I didn't want to go to the kitchen, I didn't want this intimate moment followed by something so procedural.

"I doubt your nightmare will return. But you will not be able to sleep if you fear it will, and I need you alert and rested for training in the morning. Perhaps it would be best if you stayed with me tonight. For sleeping only," he added quickly.

"Can you handle that?" I teased him.

"I believe so. Can you?"

I thought about it. "We would have to fall asleep very quickly."

Angeal rolled his eyes at me and gently tugged me to my feet. "We'd better hurry, then."

His bed was wider than mine, easily big enough for two people. He ushered me into it first and wrapped one thick blanket around me, and bundled himself in another when he got in. I must have given him an odd look, because he laughed softly.

"I don't imagine my presence will help you so much if I order you to stay on the opposite side of the bed, and I suspect you wouldn't listen anyway. If you're going to be close, I need to disguise your shape."

"Because otherwise I might make you lose control?" I half-joked.

"Yes," he said simply, and close his eyes. "Good night, Pup."

Angeal did that sometimes, responded to my suggestive teasing with a soft, blatant admission of what he was denying himself. Maybe it was just his nature to be blunt (I know it was), or maybe he knew how disarming these regretful statements were to me. I could never keep bothering him after one, not after being reminded that he was feeling the same longing and frustration as me, as well as the burden of not giving in to it. His denial of what we both wanted annoyed me, but I knew he was doing it for my sake, and I loved him all the more for that.

I wiggled closer, figuring it was safe because even pressed together, our bodies were safely concealed by the blankets. He must have agreed, because he reached out an arm and drew me near enough to snuggle my head into his chest.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"And he thanks me," Angeal said, with tired amusement. "Sleep, Zack."

His voice came from just above me, his lips were so near...I could've just lifted my head a little, and leaned in. I wanted to so badly, to show him I wanted him and was willing to fight for this, and that there was no need for him to be my opponent when we were on the same side. I didn't do it, of course. I obediently closed my eyes and drifted back into sleep, unafraid now that the dream would return. Angeal must have known what a struggle it was for me. The last thing I remember is the touch of lips on my forehead.

__

zfzfz

Angeal and I continued to walk the line between comfort and denial of our desires over the next couple months. He didn't pull away from me, he still held me and touched me as much as before, but he would not go any further. I had no more nightmares, which meant no more excuses for sleeping in his bed. I didn't press that issue, though, because I sensed he had been as tested by that experience as I had, if not more. As graduation approached, training became even more intense, and classes too, especially since Angeal put me back into Unarmed Training with the other cadets. He said he regretted how much of it I'd missed out on, but had complete confidence I would catch up in no time.

"Why can't you teach me?" I asked him, or maybe whined at him.

"I should think that would be obvious, Puppy."

I tried to get him to change his mind, reminding him that I would have to be in close physical contact with guys who had the same out-of-control hormones as me, rolling around on the floor with them. He didn't take the bait, saying only that he doubted anything significant could happen under the watchful eye of Instructor Andrews.

He was right about that, though I had more trouble with this style of fighting than I was used to. I was growing, but I would never be as tall as some of the others, and though I was strong, I had grown too accustomed to relying on a weapon. Malakh was probably the best in the class, so Instructor Andrews partnered me with him, which thrilled Malakh, to the great amusement of our classmates. I think they also liked seeing me struggle with something and were nicer to me for it, and I wondered if Angeal had delayed my learning this for that reason. I preferred to believe that he'd intended to teach me himself, and found he couldn't do so and still maintain his infuriating control.

"Let him up, Highcliff, you've had him pinned over a minute," Andrews said as he walked by us. 

Bad enough to be sprawled on the gym floor with a taller, heavier guy sitting on a sensitive part of my anatomy. Malakh's mischievous smile made it worse.

"Say 'uncle'."

"Uncle," I repeated impatiently.

He leaned down until his nose was nearly touching mine. "Say 'Fuck me hard'," he whispered with a grin, and thrust his hips forward.

I knew he was joking, but it brought up a memory of Genesis, and with that came sufficient adrenaline to shove Malakh off and spring up. The sudden movement and thudding sound of Malakh hitting the floor attracted attention, and every head turned our way.

"Nice recovery, Fair," the instructor called.

I offered Malakh a hand up, but dropped it as soon as he got to his feet. "Don't do that again."

"Sorry, man. But I had to make you try harder. This is an important SOLDIER skill. Not the most important, but..."

"I know."

Malakh shoved me playfully. "Just stop holding back and you'll be fine. This isn't Weapons Training, you can give it all you've got here."

I gaped at him. "How - "

"You never killed anyone in our class, that's how. Cute and modest...is it any wonder I've always had a thing for you?"

"You ought to be a Turk," I laughed.

"Fair, Highcliff! Train now, chat later!"

We began to circle each other, pretending to look for openings and making a few half-hearted lunges. Lt. Andrews turned away, satisfied, and we quietly resumed our conversation.

"I've thought about it," he admitted. "One of them approached me at the shooting range and said they had their eye on me. Apparently, Turks value sharp-shooters more than SOLDIER does."

For assassinations, I thought, but I wasn't sure Angeal would like me saying it. "Are you considering it? Now, when we're so close to graduation?"

"I know, it's silly. But their lives seem so mysterious and exciting. And I bet they know all ShinRa's secrets."

It was popularly believed that nothing escaped the Turks' notice, nothing could be concealed from them. I wondered how much they knew about Genesis. And I thought of the Junior Turk, Reno.

"You'd have to keep their secrets. Or else."

Malakh grimaced. "I know, Turks don't live to retire, they die in the line of duty or disappear. But still, exciting."

I rolled my eyes, and he laughed.

"What does the great Commander Hewley say about Turks?"

"He says it's safer not to trust them, but he's kind of friendly with Commander Tseng. I've met him, he seems nice."

"See?" Malakh said cheerfully, side-stepping to avoid my lunge. "You hear a lot of stuff about Turks, but it's not all bad. They get great equipment, better pay than most SOLDIERs, and I heard that Tseng guy really looks after them. The way Sephiroth does for us."

I smiled; like Angeal, I had become very fond of Sephiroth. "You're not afraid you might offend the general if you leave SOLDIER?"

Malakh looked genuinely alarmed for a moment, then recovered with a suggestive laugh. "How far would he go to convince me to stay, do you think?"

I flew at Malakh without warning, and he pinned me again, still laughing.

__

zfzfz

Angeal walked me back from class himself. He'd brought my sword with him, and we set off for the 1st Class gym, where we'd done most of our sparring since the clearing had been ruined by Genesis. I was energized from grappling with Malakh, and bouncy, but though Angeal smiled at me and spoke those familiar words - "Such a puppy" - he seemed subdued, even more than usual.

"Sir," I said, in case someone passed us, "is everything all right? Has something happened?"

"No, no," he said immediately, and then, after a pause, "Zack, would you still rather I instruct you in hand-to-hand fighting myself?"

"Yes!" I said happily. "Wait, you changed your mind? Why?"

"Graduation is approaching. It occurred to me that you may need more attention than a class can provide."

"Really? Hey, wait. Is that an insult?"

"You would rather stay with your classmates, then?"

"No," I said quickly. "I want you to teach me. But I'm not completely hopeless. Malakh thinks I'm just holding back or something."

"He has a very interesting remedy for that deficit," Angeal said, in a suddenly tense voice, failing to hide its icy tone.

I stopped in the hallway that led to the 1st Class gym, and stared. "You...how did you...were you watching me?"

"It seemed the most effective way to gauge your ability."

"How? Where were you?"

"I'm afraid that's privileged information," he said dryly.

Remembering what Malakh had done, I felt my cheeks grow warm. "Cadet Highcliff was just joking, sir. We're only friends."

"His intentions may have been good, but nonetheless, he was distracting you."

My mouth dropped open, and I closed it to grin. "You're jealous," I said softly, amazed. "That's why you're really pulling me out of the class."

"Perhaps we should delay this training session. Whatever is causing this delusion of yours will certainly handicap your swordwork as well."

It occurred to me that I was probably embarrassing him. "I don't mind, sir. I'd be jealous too if I thought you were involved with someone else."

"How do you know I am not?" he said, continuing down the empty hallway with me at his heels. "I am an adult, Zack. I have been involved intimately with other people, and there is no shortage of unattached men of my own age in ShinRa."

I froze as he went on over the black-tiled floor. Childishly, I had never before thought of Angeal with someone else, never realized that he must have had plenty of lovers, hot, high-ranking guy that he was. For all I knew, he still could. He had needs he wouldn't allow himself to satisfy with me, but that didn't mean he suppressed them or took care of them alone. Why shouldn't Angeal have sexual partners? I was only his student, he owed me no explanations. Even so, my heart felt as dry and dead as a withered tree.

Noticing I had stopped, Angeal turned back, and swore softly when he saw my face. He came close and took my head between his hands, even though someone could happen by at any moment.

"Puppy." I stared at the floor, only meeting his eyes when he shook me gently. They were loving and apologetic. "I'm sorry."

"But you're right," I said bitterly. "We're not together, so why shouldn't you?"

"Because I don't want anyone else either," he murmured. "There's been no one else since you, Zack. Not even a thought."

He looked so solemn as he said this, I didn't know whether to thank him or apologize. He saw my indecision, and smiled.

"You strengthen and weaken me both, and I admit, I am not always certain what we will and won't be to each other. But if you are a test, you are one I am very glad of. Whether I pass, or fail."

__

zfzfz

It's strange. So much of those several months of my second cadet year, and all my time as Angeal's apprentice, is so clear. But other times are nearly gone, or complete blanks. My seventeenth birthday came two weeks before graduation, and though I know my parents sent me something I really liked, I cannot for the life of me remember what it was. Angeal's gift, on the other hand, I'll never forget.

That year, my birthday happened to fall on a Sunday, and Malakh and Cadet Chase begged Angeal for permission to let me spend the day with them in Midgar. To my absolute shock, he agreed, later telling me in private to do nothing I wouldn't want four well-concealed 1st Classes to see. I would've rather stayed with Angeal, even for sparring and sense-exercises and the practice quizzes he gave me from my textbooks, but it rarely ever does any good to argue with Malakh. After solemnly promising to be back before dark, he, Chase and I set out.

It was fun, as it turned out. Chase knew of a great pizza place, and Malakh, with his usual insistent charm, got the whole staff and all the customers to sing "Happy Birthday" to me. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, Malakh then got down on one knee and proposed, with romantic, heartfelt words that naturally fooled everyone who didn't know him. With one breath, the whole restaurant said "Aw!", except for Chase, who laughed so hard he nearly choked, and two women at the next table broke into tears and told me I was an idiot if I didn't accept. I finally did just to get Malakh off the floor, hoping the SOLDIERs tailing us wouldn't make their report to Angeal too detailed.

Next we saw a movie, an action flick of a type popular then - mostly an excuse for violence and bloodshed, but not badly written. The heroes of those films were usually cheap imitations of Sephiroth, which may be why Malakh liked them. I wondered if Sephiroth ever saw these films and what he thought of them if he did. I imagined him puzzled by the flattery they tried to pay him, and unimpressed by the fake battles after seeing so many real ones. That made me smile.

After the movie ended, Malakh saw a sign for a fortune-teller and tried to drag me to it, but I refused, not wanting confirmation of Reno's prophecy. We had our picture taken by a street photographer, and then went into an arcade for a little while, though none of us were any good at the games. We ran into Cadet Andrews by the Moogle Adventure machine, who said hi and wished me a happy birthday, and a pretty blond girl shyly approached Chase and struck up a conversation. Malakh put an end to that by pretending to be a jealous boyfriend, and she ran off. It made me sad. Not for Chase, though he was annoyed, but because it was the sort of thing Malakh would've done to Kono. He should have been there with us.

As the afternoon drew on, Chase suggested, half-jokingly, that we should visit the Honeybee. Malakh and I made 'ew' faces at the same time, and Chase groaned that he really needed to get some straight friends. Not that he didn't like us, but - 

"I've got a better idea," Malakh interrupted, eyes gleaming in a way I had learned to be wary of.

"Better than the Honeybee?" Chase asked dubiously.

"Oh yeah."

Malakh spoke for a moment to a man at the door of the materia shop, and waved us down a series of small side streets. At the dead end of one stood an elegant gray building, better built than it was maintained but with an air of faded grandeur clinging to it. I saw no one nearby but a few furtive-looking men, and tried in vain to unriddle the sign in front of the structure that bore four letters to spell a word I didn't know.

Chase looked confused too. "What is this place?"

"It's called Yoshinori's Altar of Indiscretions," Malakh said, gesturing to the sign. "People call it YAOI for short. Cadet Sada told me about it."

"But what is it?" I asked, watching the front door. A boy of about our age with long dark hair was stepping out, saying goodbye to a middle-aged man.

"Well, the Honeybee is for straights like Chase. The YAOI caters to a...different persuasion," Malakh said, and it sounded oddly like he was trying to be tactful.

We needed no more explanation. Just then, the middle-aged man kissed the boy, passionately, and no one but us seemed to think this was wrong or shocking. The man said something and strolled off, and the boy, with a resigned, passive facial expression, went back inside.

"That's fucked up," Chase whispered. "He can't be any older than us."

"I didn't really believe it until now," Malakh said. "Zack? Zack?"

"Let's go," I said shortly, and went back the way we came as fast as I could go. It took Malakh only seconds to catch up, with Chase right behind.

"Zack, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out."

"Is that legal? How can it be legal?"

"I guess it must be, I don't know how. Look, you're right, I'm an ass, but don't be mad. I didn't, you know, mean anything by it, I was just curious."

"You moron," I hissed softly, "there are four 1st Class SOLDIERs tailing us, they have been all day."

"Oh...shit." He smiled encouragingly. "We didn't do anything, though, just walked past. Besides, even if we had, it's not illegal."

"It's conduct unbecoming, at the very least," I said, speeding up. It was also making me nauseous, though I didn't say that. "Let's get the hell out of here before you get expelled and have to go work at that place."

"Hmm..."

"Just come on!"

__

zfzfz

If the SOLDIERs guarding me ever told Angeal about our interesting detour, he never mentioned it to me. I didn't worry about it for long. Malakh walked me to the apartment (expressing his envy that I got to live in such a fancy building), and Angeal greeted me and ushered me into the kitchen. Not for what I expected, but for a cake slathered with chocolate icing and topped with seventeen lit candles.

He laughed at my surprise. "Make a wish."

"You know what I'm gonna ask for."

But I blew them out with one long breath, and we each ate a slice. It was excellent. I told Angeal so, and he said he'd pass the compliment along to the staff of the 1st Class dining hall. I asked him when his birthday was, realizing I didn't know, and he told me he didn't celebrate it.

"What? Why not? You're still young." He laughed. "Everyone celebrates their birthday."

"Not everyone, Pup."

"But how come?"

"It was an agreement Genesis and I made when we came to ShinRa," Angeal explained, his voice going lower as it always did when he talked about Genesis. "Sephiroth has never marked his birthday as anything but a change of age, it was never treated as a significant day by those who were in charge of him."

I assumed that meant Hojo. Like I needed any more reasons to dislike him.

"We didn't want Seph to feel different, or that he had missed out on something," Angeal continued. "So we agreed that our birthdays would no longer be special occasions for us."

"Wow. That was nice of you."

He shook his head dismissively. "Such things seem less important as you grow older. Besides, in my advanced years, I don't like to be reminded of my age."

"You're joking, right?"

I couldn't tell, though he did laugh. "C'mon, Pup."

I was eager for it that night, but when I reached the edge of the newspaper I paused, and turned back to face him. Angeal put his hands on my arms and squeezed them gently, waiting for me to speak.

"Angeal...um...since it's my birthday, could you...just once..."

He understood what I wanted. He cupped my chin with one hand and sighed heavily. "It won't help," he said. "It will only make this harder."

"I know, and I'll probably bug you even more, so I'll get it if you say no," I whispered. "I just had to ask."

Angeal sighed again and drew me a little closer, though his expression was a conflicted one. "It won't help either of us. It only hurts to get a taste, and no more, of something you can't have."

You can, I wanted to yell, but what I said was, "I don't mean to hurt you."

Angeal's hand went to the back of my head, and his other arm looped my waist and drew me against him. His eyes flared mako green. He closed them and took a few deep, shuddering breaths, and when they opened again they were brown, but still bright. I could feel his desire along with my own, and every nerve in my body was screaming at me to do something about it.

"One," Angeal said unsteadily. "Only once."

"Okay - "

There wasn't even time to be elated. In an instant his mouth was on mine, opening it, guiding my tongue with his own. Incredibly, as eager as Angeal was, as we both were, he was somehow so gentle, patient enough even to calm me down and encourage me to just let it happen. Gaia, could Angeal kiss! My knees were wobbling, my head was full of flames, and this act, always so intimate, became even more so. I was more exposed to him this way than I had ever been with my pants down or my clothes methodically stripped off, and I was seeing more of him now than I ever had in his eyes or a photograph of him at my foolish age.

I had my arms around his neck, gripping the back of his shirt, and he was nearly lifting me off the floor. Angeal's mouth was as greedy as mine, swallowing every gasp I made, not pulling back until my lungs were beginning to want for oxygen. The faint green and the need in his eyes startled me for a moment, but I felt the same, however I might look.

"Down. Now," he managed.

Good thing I didn't have to pee, I don't know if either of us would have survived the wait. I thought it would be over quick with the uncharacteristically impatient way Angeal was acting, and he did move furiously to get my pants open, but once he had me in hand he slowed down, though his breathing didn't. I didn't have to beg for more this time - without any prompting, he pressed himself against my ass and started to gently grind. I knew we were imagining the same thing - Angeal inside me, what it would be like to fill me and be filled - and that pushed me toward the edge faster than I wanted. Angeal thrust harder to keep up, and we came at the same moment, with twin cries.

He recovered faster than I did, of course, and brought me to his chest with a ragged exhale. Angeal didn't give us as much time in this position as he usually did, dragging himself to his feet and me with him, apparently racing the drowsiness that orgasm caused me. When we got to my bedroom, I saw his reason.

He presented me with a sword, a thick-bladed one like his but lighter and a bit smaller. He laughingly called it a "Junior Buster", but I was too awed to take offense. Its craftsmanship was superb, attesting to a high price and the work of a true artist, and it was like nothing I'd ever handled before. This was a weapon worthy of a 1st Class, not a cadet, but its hilt fit my hand perfectly. I was speechless for a whole minute before I could even stammer a thank-you.

Angeal nodded, and with a smile and a soft laugh he put the sword aside and gently pushed me back into the bed. "Happy Birthday, Zack. Now go to sleep."

It was an incredible gift, but my last waking thought was the kiss. It was what I had made my candle-wish, figuring it was at least a little more likely to come true than a wish for a relationship. I didn't regret this substitution, even though I had settled for the lesser hope. Nothing about that night had seemed "lesser" to me.

**To be continued!**


	18. The War Drums

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 18 - The War Drums**

 

After such a memorable birthday, maybe it's not surprising that our graduation ceremony is a bit blurry. Rows of chairs and a dais were set up in the cadet gym, and we all sat in our uniforms and listened to Commander Lefler make a stern speech about how we didn't yet know the meaning of hard work and exhaustion, but he was just barely able to keep from beaming at us, and we all noticed. Commander Diehl, head of the 3rd Class and our new c.o., spoke next about the great expectations he had for us, and echoed Lefler's assertion that the real challenge was just beginning. President Shinra himself took the podium, looking preoccupied, and introduced General Sephiroth, chuckling as we all went deadly silent and sat up straight.

I couldn't picture him making a speech, and indeed he didn't. He smiled that soft, faint smile I had been privileged to see a few times, and looked out over the small crowd of us. I glanced around at the enraptured faces of my classmates and wondered if Sephiroth knew what an inspiration he was to us, knew that we would gladly fight and die for him. Maybe he did, maybe that's what pushed the sadness from his eyes for a few minutes.

"I am proud of you," he said, pitching his steady voice to reach us without seeming loud. "Welcome to SOLDIER. Give yourselves a round of applause."

Sephiroth put his hands together first, and with him the row of executives and commanders behind him, Angeal included. We jumped to our feet and cheered and congratulated each other, exchanging insults and light shoves as you would expect from teenaged boys. While enduring Malakh's prolonged hug (and batting his hands away from my ass), I saw Sephiroth nod to Angeal, mouth something and sweep out of the room. Angeal's eyes flickered back to me, and they and his slight smile drew me like a fishing hook to a magnet.

I brushed past the other cadets (3rd Class junior lieutenants now), nodding each time one of them spoke to me, and made my way to Angeal. We were in a room full of people, so I knew we had to be careful, but I couldn't keep away from him. We both seemed to have something to say. He let me go first.

"Sir, does this mean..." It was the question I had been dreading and putting off for weeks, and it stuck in my throat, in my frozen lungs. He understood.

"Technically, you may remain my apprentice until you are ranked equal to me, if you would like to." Angeal softened his voice, and his eyes twinkled. "Didn't I tell you that I would never willingly give you away?"

I began to breathe again, and leaned back on my heels to keep from jumping on him. "Really? You mean it?"

"Well, someone needs to keep an eye on you. Sephiroth would be disappointed if you didn't make it to 1st Class alive. He's already talking about moving you to 2nd Class within the next six months, if you prove yourself ready."

That was a big deal. The average SOLDIER spends between one and a half to three years in 3rd Class, and then two to three in 2nd before reaching the elite 1st. Most of this went right over my head, though, unable to compete with the relieved joy of knowing my time with Angeal wasn't over. I started to step forward, impulsively, then held myself back. He smiled.

"Puppy's learned some self-control, I see. That's good, most situations call for it. This, however, is not one of them." He put out his arms and beckoned me with his fingers. "Come here."

If he wasn't bothered by the room full of cadets and SOLDIERs and executives, I certainly wasn't. I stepped eagerly into Angeal's hug and returned it, careful to keep it entirely chaste and platonic, as he was doing. "I am very proud of you," he said softly in my ear, and I felt my heart swell up with happiness like air inflating a balloon. All too soon, Angeal drew back and clapped his hand briefly on my shoulder.

"Now, go back to your class. I will come to the 3rd Class gym to collect you at nine o'clock." He was talking about the graduation party SOLDIER held for new 3rds each year.

"I'd rather be with you."

Angeal smiled, but shook his head. "I have an appointment with Tseng, and you should spend this time with your classmates. Just remember, no matter how much you drink, we still have Unarmed Training first thing tomorrow."

"You'll knock my head into the floor no matter what shape it's in, is that what you're saying?"

"Precisely. Behave, Pup," he said, and left from the same exit Sephiroth had.

Someone's arms were thrown around me from behind, and I tensed and was about to flip whoever it was over my shoulder when I recognized Malakh's snickering in my ear.

"Well, it was only a hug, but it's more action than I've gotten from General Sephir-hot."

I shrugged him off and turned around, but his smile was so cheerful that I couldn't help reflecting it.

"There's the Zacky I remember. Congratulations, Number One."

"And to you, Number Two," I said sincerely.

"This doesn't mean I'm gonna let you top," Malakh said, roughly ten times louder than I would have liked him to.

"You should really focus your flirting on someone more receptive."

He pouted. "Lieutenant Andrews said Commander Hewley withdrew you from our Unarmed class. How come?"

I smiled, I couldn't help it. Malakh's eyes widened.

"Oh Gaia, he found out about my completely harmless sexual harassment and got jealous, didn't he? Don't shake your head at me, you're blushing, don't even try to deny it!" His voice was soft, fortunately; the room was still crowded, though we were standing alone. "That's it, isn't it? Holy shit, Fair, Commander Hewley, second only to Sephiroth! This is huge!"

"Don't be stupid," I said as firmly as I could. "It's nothing, he just thinks you distract me too much."

Malakh waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, right. So he yanks you out of the class instead of having Andrews reprimand me? Uh-uh. He's jealous!"

"He's my teacher, dumbass."

"Still?"

"He said I could be his apprentice until I reach his rank, if I want."

"Okay, that proves it," Malakh cackled. "No one would willingly put up with you that long unless he wanted to get in your pants. Just look at me."

I shoved him lightly. "You've got a long wait. And nothing's going on with me and the commander."

I had to look away as I said this and I doubt it fooled him, but Malakh mercifully changed the subject. "I'm gonna miss you, Fair."

"What?"

"We used to see each other in class, like, everyday."

"We'll still have some of our classes," I reminded him, "as long as we're junior lieutenants. Unarmed and Weapons Training...well, no, not me...but Strength Training, unless Commander Hewley takes me out of that too. I haven't asked him."

"Yeah, but even if he doesn't, you'll be put up to full lieutenant in no time. Hell, I'm surprised they haven't moved you to 2nd Class already."

I decided it was best not to repeat what Angeal had told me. "I'm sure we'll get patrols and missions together."

His expression softened. "Yeah. You know what today was missing?"

"Kono."

"If he's still alive, we'll find him, Zack. And if not - "

"We'll avenge him."

"'Cause we're SOLDIERs," Malakh said, grinning. "Shit, can you believe it? We're SOLDIERs! C'mon, there's a party that needs us and Kono wouldn't want us moping."

__

zfzfz

The party was fun, however much I would've preferred being with Angeal. The cadets who used to ignore or frown at me now smiled and exchanged congratulations with me. The previous months' events which had been so stressful for me - Moray, the mako tests, Kono - had made me seem much less lucky in their eyes and therefore more likable. Briggs and Saeni glared at me from a corner, but otherwise ignored me, and I them. We new 3rd Classes passed a few hours together eating, drinking, sharing memories of the two years we'd spent working for this.

I got some teasing over the hug with Angeal by those who had witnessed it, but thankfully Malakh only winked at me, and no one else seriously suggested it was anything but a gesture of affection from a proud teacher. A couple people expressed some good-natured envy that I had become so close to such a high-ranking and admired officer. That naturally led to questions about the brief times I'd spent with Sephiroth. I disappointed them with my vagueness, but then Malakh tried to announce our engagement, which proved to be an adequate and annoying distraction.

Several of the junior lieutenants - the drunker ones - challenged each other to a race across the southwestern fields, and Malakh whispered that this was likely to be amusing.

"I don't know." It was dark outside, and Angeal would be coming for me in about an hour.

"C'mon, we'll be back before Commander Dreamy gets here. I'll protect you until then."

It seemed like everyone was going, and I figured Angeal wold want me to stay with them, so I said okay. Besides, the 3rd Class gym was in the Old Building, same as the science labs, and though this place wasn't dangerous for me with Genesis gone, I still wasn't very comfortable there. 3rd Class quarters were in the Old Building too; no wonder Angeal wanted to keep me with him. I knew that wasn't the only reason, though. However much he continued to frustrate me, at least I no longer doubted he loved me.

It was a beautiful night, with a bright moon shining overhead (made slightly less beautiful by the tipsy new 3rd Classes staggering under it). Angeal had told me that superior officers were lenient with new SOLDIERs on graduation night, so I wasn't too worried about anyone getting in trouble...though I hoped the suggestion I heard about egging the Kurasai Building was a joke. But it had become strange to be outside at night since Angeal had forbidden it, and looking up at the stars, I remembered how I had loved to lay on the grass outside my house in Gongaga and stare up at them for as long as my mother would let me. I wondered what my parents were doing at that moment. I didn't miss them as badly or as often as I'd used to.

"Missing home, Zack?" Malakh asked as we made a left turn past the Storage, Maintenance and Security Building.

"How'd you know?"

"'Cause the open sky reminds me of home, too. Of course, in Rocket Town, the view was ruined by that damn rocket. Neighbors have been trying to get that crazy pilot to pull the thing down, but he still has dreams of going into outer space. Nutcase."

"Hey, it's good to have dreams."

"Says Zack the hero," Malakh teased.

The southwestern fields came into sight. Most of our class was already there, making bets on who would win, who would fall down first, etc. Malakh and I lagged behind, and I stopped altogether when I spotted a familiar head of hair in the shadow of the White Building. I told Malakh to go ahead, that I'd catch up, and jogged over.

"Reno?"

"Hey, Zack."

He seemed a little uneasy when I approached, but quickly covered it with a cocky smile. He held a weapon (looked like an electrorod) and was tapping it idly against his shoulder, and his body language suggested that he was restless and bored.

"What're you doing out here?"

Reno rolled his green eyes. "What do ya think? The Turks wouldn't keep an eye on a bunch of rowdy and plastered new SOLDIERs?"

"Turks meaning you, by yourself?" I hadn't seen anyone else since we left the Old Building, but then, Turks are only seen if they want to be, as their training focuses heavily on concealment and stealth.

"Nah, we're all over, and Tseng doesn't trust me by myself. I'm guarding this area with my new partner."

Reno laughed as I looked around, and gestured to someone, somewhere. Out of the deepest shadows right in front of me stepped a tall, dark man with a bald head and a black suit. He seemed fairly young, maybe early twenties, but his stern, unmoving expression and sunglasses made it hard to tell. I recognized this man with a faint jolt - he was the one who hadn't responded to Lt. Moray's greetings.

"This is Rude," Reno said, and I mentally agreed. "Rude, this is Zack Fair."

The dark man looked in my general direction and gave the briefest nod, then began systematically surveying the section of the Compound we were in. He seemed to forget that I was there. Reno shrugged.

"That's the most you can expect from him. He's not really a people person. Most Turks aren't, except maybe Cissnei."

"Do any of you have last names?" I asked, half-joking but genuinely curious.

Reno seemed surprised I didn't know. "We don't use 'em. A Turk only goes by one name, and I think only Tseng and I use the ones we were born with. Most use code names, like the big guy here. I can't imagine why such a name has stuck to him," he said sarcastically, and we laughed.

"Have you heard anything about Cadet Yamura?"

Reno's expression became serious. "I haven't, but Tseng doesn't tell me everything. He's reporting on the current investigations to Commander Hewley now, so if he knows anything new, I'm sure you'll find out soon."

"You and I are lucky. Most SOLDIER cadets don't get told anything," I said.

"They won't be able to keep what happened in Midgar from you."

My entire body tensed. "What happened?"

"All I know is that 2nd Classes have been on heavy patrol in Midgar - we've been searching too - and a few of them went missing yesterday. That's the last I heard. If you ask me, they got too close to the target, which at least tells us we're on the right track."

"What target?"

He gave me that how-can-you-not-know look again. "Genesis. If the search for your friend has been kinda back-burnered, that's the reason. The prez wants all our effort put into finding the guy. Tseng told me Genesis dr- "

"Reno," Rude said softly, flatly, putting a hand on his shoulder for a moment.

"Shit, sorry." Reno smiled and shrugged at me. "Gotta learn to be more careful about what I say if I'm gonna be a good Turk. It's hard enough already, being younger than the others."

"I thought Turks had to be at least sixteen before they can even begin training."

"Yeah, but Tseng says I'll cause trouble wherever I am, so I might as well do it on ShinRa's behalf," Reno said with a smirk. "Besides, I'm fast and I have a knack for moving silently. Good qualities for a Turk."

"Does it have anything to do with...um..." I glanced at Rude, wondering if I could bring up Reno's prophecy in his presence.

Reno understood. "He knows," he said softly, "but you're the only non-Turk who does."

"I won't tell anyone, I swear."

"Thank you. It would be dangerous for me if people knew. I know Tseng seemed kinda scary when he warned you to keep it a secret, but it's only 'cause he worries the Science Department will find out."

I tried to repress a shudder. "That's why he let you become a Turk so young, so he could protect you?"

Reno nodded, and I understood why Tseng and Angeal had such respect for each other, even if they weren't exactly friends. Though both loyal ShinRa employees, they were quite willing to break rules and conceal information in order to protect others. Reno obviously didn't feel for Tseng what I did for Angeal, but otherwise we seemed to be in similar positions, and I think we both realized this.

"So...does it happen a lot?" I asked carefully.

"Not a lot, no. It's really random, sometimes about really useless stuff. The big problem is that when it comes, I can't control it. I see something and I have to say it."

"Do your parents know about it?"

"My parents don't know anything about me," he answered coolly.

I quickly moved away from that topic. "Are you...always right?"

Reno looked at me with a sympathy that wiped all the cockiness and cynicism and humor from his face. "Yeah. I'm really sorry."

"Do you," I started past the lump in my throat, "do you know how it happens?"

"Only that you'll be protecting someone. And that you won't regret that."

"Well," I said, as cheerfully as I could, "I'll be a hero, at least. That's my dream. Do you have a dream?"

"Dreams are pointless," he said dismissively. "Most of the time they only disappoint you."

"You're awfully jaded for a kid. Are you sure you're not really a sixty-year-old midget who's aged really well?"

Before he could answer, I heard a low, soft sound from the nearby darkness, muffled and barely audible. It sounded like someone was chuckling without opening their mouth. Reno looked at Rude and then back to me with surprise.

"Shit, you actually got him to laugh. I don't think anyone's ever done that."

"I'm also good at getting people to talk."

"Interested in joining the Turks? You'd get away from grumpy Commander Hewley."

"No, thanks. I like Commander Hewley, really."

Reno studied me for a few moments, as though trying to judge whether or not I was being honest. Then he nodded, having apparently decided I was.

"Hey, Zack! Are you trying to ditch me or something?" Malakh jogged over to us from the field. "Only two runners still standing, things are starting to heat up."

He saw Reno and Rude, and nodded casually. "Hello."

Reno's bored, experienced facade had gone back up like a shield. "Yo."

"This is Cadet - I mean Junior Lieutenant Malakh Highcliff, 3rd Class. Malakh, this is Junior Turk Reno, and that's Rude."

Malakh and Reno looked at each other with amusement. Probably neither had met many other people with that particular, striking shade of red hair.

"Hey, we could be twins," Malakh said with a grin, though they otherwise looked nothing alike. "You don't have any relatives in Rocket Town, do you?"

"Not that I know of," Reno answered shortly. A slight wariness had crept into his voice.

"Okay, good. No legal issues standing in our way now." Malakh winked suggestively. "Are Turks allowed to fraternize with SOLDIERs?"

I hope I'm getting across how blatantly obvious Malakh's flirting was; he was never adept at being subtle. Neither Reno nor I had time to react, because Rude, who hadn't moved once from his spot in the shadows, stepped forward suddenly and pointed his electrorod at Malakh's throat.

"Dude! Calm down, I was just being - "

"An idiot," I hissed, glaring at him. "Jailbait. Does that word mean anything to you?"

"Aw, fuck, really? Hey, no, Turks have to be at least - "

"Not this one, and you can keep your mouth shut about that if you want to keep being my friend."

"Rude, would ya quit it?" Reno was saying, knocking the silent Turk's weapon back with his own. "Sorry, he gets a little pissy about this sort of thing. He's big on following rules."

"Hey, man, I'm sorry about - "

"It's fine."

"No, really. Ask Fair here, my mouth gets me into all sorts of trouble."

"Ha, I'll refrain from commenting on that," Reno said dryly.

Malakh grinned. What he lost in a potential conquest he seemed to have gained in a kindred spirit. I silently resolved to try to keep these two apart.

"Highcliff...are you the one Rod's been talking to about joining us?"

"Yeah, haven't made up my mind yet, though. They're not all like your bodyguard there, are they?"

"Nah," Reno said, "and he's my partner, actually."

"Like, business partner or life partner?"

Reno laughed at that, so I figured it was okay for me to do the same. Rude seemed unoffended, actually he appeared to not be emotionally affected at all. He merely looked passively at Malakh, spoke the second word I'd ever heard from him - "Heterosexual" - and returned his attention to scanning the perimeter for signs of trouble.

"Yeah, that's what they all say," Reno scoffed in a curiously bitter voice. "Either of you know that 3rd Class who's waving his pants over his head?"

"No, but I definitely want to. C'mon, Zack, let's get over there." Malakh waved to Reno and sprinted off.

"I'd better go. I'm not allowed to be alone either."

Reno smiled thinly. "Genesis, right?"

"How did you - "

"Turks know just about everything that happens around here. When you and your friends went into Midgar last month, I'm sure you knew about the SOLDIERs tailing you. I know you didn't notice Rod and Cissnei doing the same."

"Seriously?"

"Not seen, not heard. That's the mark of a good Turk. See ya around, Fair."

"See you."

It was curiously warm for a December night, I thought as I went to join my classmates. But Reno's words rang in my head, making me wonder - not for the first or last time - how much of what had happened and was happening remained a mystery to me. Even the stars overhead seemed to turn cold and icy all of a sudden, when they had only minutes before recalled the memory of home.

__

zfzfz

Angeal was nearly silent as he walked me back from the party, only speaking to ask if I had a good time and express approval that I was sober. I sensed his tension, and asked what was wrong the moment he locked the apartment door behind us.

"Not just yet, Pup. Get ready for bed and meet me in the kitchen."

That worried me, it intimated bad news that he was delaying, but I did as he told me. It seemed too weird to talk to someone while peeing (even if that someone was holding my dick), so as soon as I finished I brought up something I'd been meaning to ask.

"Um, Angeal, now that I know the point of this, is, um, that part really necessary?"

He made a very brief, soft laugh. "I suppose I've made you dependent enough on me, more so than I even intended. We will begin phasing that out."

"But not this part, right?"

"Well, I don't see that this is necessary either. I know now I can trust you to keep close to me and do as I tell you. Or do you think you require further training?"

He was stroking me with feather-light touches, and running his fingertips in slow lines over my chest and stomach. His voice was low and teasing, and seductive, whether he intended that or not.

"Oh, I do, I definitely do."

"Really? You're a junior lieutenant now, an officer. Are you telling me you're also a...bad puppy?"

My breath got caught between my throat and my lungs. My heart beat as fast as Angeal's hand moved slowly, and I could feel him in every nerve of my body.

"Yes," I gasped, wondering with a thrill how far he would take this. "I'm very bad."

"What kind of discipline should I give you?" Angeal murmured. "Or should I reward you for being honest?"

"Oh...please..."

"Tell me what you need, Pup."

"Your mouth," I blurted out, "your mouth, please..."

I was lifted slightly so Angeal could clear the paper away, and he turned me over to lay me on my back. I trembled with excitement at his touch as he hovered over me, and with his face looking down at mine I saw his eyes glowing a strange, fluid green. He closed them for a moment, and when they opened the green was fainter, but still there. His hand caressed my cheek, and descended to gently rake his fingers down my neck, and then my chest.

"Bad little baby puppy," he whispered. "Would you learn to be good if I left you on the edge like this?"

"No, please Angeal..."

Angeal looked slightly puzzled for a moment, and his voice became more like its usual calm self. "You don't know how you look right now. You don't know what you do to me."

"Please, please." His hands went to my sides and slowly slid lower. "Please I need you please - "

"Not working. It's not working yet," Angeal whispered distractedly to himself, but I didn't question this, because he grasped the waistband of my boxers and drew them down. "You need this. I won't punish you, Puppy."

His fingers put a little pressure on the swollen and weeping head, as though he were trying to milk it, and more fluid leaked out onto his hand. As I watched, dizzy from breathing so rapidly, Angeal brought that hand to his lips and licked it, apparently relishing the stuff. It seemed like something I should find gross, especially what he did next, but the arousal I felt only continued to build. Much longer, I thought, and I'll have to come or I'll explode, whether he touches me or not.

"You're so sweet, every part of you. Let me show you." Angeal gathered up some more of the wetness and pressed those fingers to my mouth. "Taste."

The look on his face was so hot, his desire so obvious, that I would've done anything, wanted to do everything. I put out my tongue and lapped my own ejaculate from his warm skin, fluttering my eyes shut and moaning in such a way that his wet fingers in my mouth vibrated. He took them away for a moment, but only to coat them again and feed me more. The taste was slightly sweet, though it was the idea of what we were doing that I liked.

"Good puppy." His thumb traced my lips and was gone before I could take it in. "Such a good puppy now."

"Angeal - "

One hand was stroking my inner thigh, so maddeningly close to the part of me that needed attention. The other went to the back of my neck and cradled it, and Angeal brushed the ghost of a kiss on my forehead. I squirmed to try to get my mouth to his, and he made an "Mmm" noise and pressed his lips to my cheek, my ear.

"What do you want, Pup? Do you want me to suck you?"

I could feel the blood racing through my head, it sounded like a fast-flowing river. "Gaia...please..."

"Do you want to come? Mmm, I can feel it in you, you're ready to burst. Tell me what you want."

"In me," I cried, and my eyes really filled. "In me, please, fuck me, please..."

I sensed something shift in Angeal even before he lifted his face to stare down at me. The green fog in his eyes began to clear, and I panicked a little as an expression of something resembling horror spread over his face. Angeal was coming back to himself and I was terrified that he might leave me where I was, so far on the edge of ecstasy that it was beginning to hurt. Before I had to beg, though, his head was between my legs and the pressure finally broke and was released. Everything exploded from bright into darkness.

I came to, I guess, a few minutes or seconds later, and blinking saw Angeal sitting beside me with his face hidden in his hand. That set off alarm bells, and I struggled into a sitting position, though it made me dizzy at first to sit up. I cautiously touched his arm and he didn't shrug me off, but he didn't do anything else either.

"Angeal?"

I sounded frightened, even to myself, but maybe that's what stirred him to react. He let his hand fall away and looked at me, wholly himself again, with his own thoughtful, intelligent brown eyes. His usual solemn expression looked older, overlaid with weariness, and...guilt?

"Are you all right?" he asked, as though expecting me to be traumatized.

"I'm fine! I'm great, actually. That was...amazing, unbelievable, I don't know how to describe it." He didn't smile. "I'm not sorry it happened, if that's what you're thinking."

"I am. I apologize, Zack. That should not have happened."

"You didn't like it?"

Now he smiled faintly, but not happily. "I enjoyed it as much as you did. But that's not the point. I lost control."

"Why is that bad?" I said desperately. "If we both want it, why isn't it okay?"

"I've told you my reasons, Pup. I don't want you to get hurt."

"You wouldn't hurt me, I know you wouldn't. I love you, and I know you love me."

He looked so wounded by this that I shut up and let it go as he drew me to his chest. I snuggled against him as chastely as I could, loyal puppy instead of frustrated lover, and was rewarded with a few peaceful minutes of him petting my hair and - I hoped - realizing that I was fine, that it was better for us both when he didn't hold back.

"I'm sorry, Pup," Angeal said at length. "This came at an especially bad time."

"Did Commander Tseng tell you something?"

"He was updating me on Investigation G."

"G," I repeated, remembering something.

"Genesis."

"Angeal, that empty folder Hojo put back in the safe, the one he said held plans for a generator..."

"Yes?"

"It said 'Project G, Confidential'. Do you think..."

Angeal was silent for a few moments. "I did find Hojo's explanation a bit odd. Dr. Hollander has an interest in mechanics and engineering, but it would be unlike him to pursue these professionally. The 'G' may indeed stand for Genesis, but what the project may be, I don't know."

"Maybe it has to do with how he became what he is."

Angeal sighed softly and let me sit up and look at him. I guessed that he still didn't want to think Hollander caused Genesis's abnormality. I didn't blame him. These people were family to him, after all.

"Angeal, I saw Reno tonight, and he said that some 2nd Classes went missing while on patrol in Midgar. Is that what Tseng told you?"

"I knew that already. What Tseng reported is that the bodies were found, not far from the Midgar mako reactor. We think that's where Genesis is hiding, and likely holding Hollander."

"They're dead?" Not surprising, given that Genesis was involved, but death would never stop beinng shocking and sad to me.

"Yes. Five bodies were discovered together, placed in a row on the ground. All were missing a significant amount of blood and showed no sign of other injuries."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, understanding why Angeal seemed so hurt. The 2nd Classes were his as the 1sts were Sephiroth's.

"So am I, Zack." He took hold of my shoulders and seemed to brace himself. "Pup, the last four bodies were 2nd Class SOLDIERs'. The first...was Kono's."

I stared at him. The first impulse I had was to ask if Kono was okay - ridiculous, as he obviously wasn't. I had known all this time that there was a good chance Kono was no longer alive, I should have been prepared, but I felt a strange, terrible stillness. Shock, I suppose, and the sense that all the pieces of my body and mind were floating apart. Beneath it all was rage, but grief was stronger now.

Numbly, I crawled back into Angeal's arms. Even in the rare moments when I wasn't thinking about him sexually, I craved his touch that made everything seem safer and better and easier. He, too, moved between those two modes of desire easily, knowing when I just wanted to be held, like now.

"We're closing in on him, Pup. We'll get him."

"He was your friend," I whispered. "I'm sorry."

"The part of Genesis that was my friend is dead," Angeal said decisively. "The rest of him will follow. Sephiroth and the company are with us now, and we have the Turks behind us too."

"Will it take all that?"

"I hope not. But whether or not, it's time for you to learn what SOLDIERs suffer so others will not have to." His hand brushed down over my cheek. "War."

**To be continued.**


	19. And Your Choices

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 19 - And Your Choices**

 

The next day, I asked Angeal for the names of the four 2nd Classes who were found with Kono. I added Yamura, Tasler, Unaiko, Reynolds and Nelson to the victim list beneath Moray, and the message was complete. **ANGEALITSMYTURN. "ANGEAL, IT'S MY TURN."** I showed it to Angeal, and he nodded sadly, not at all surprised.

"In Genesis's mind, I took something he loved away from him, once. It's his turn to do the same to me."

"Are you ever gonna tell me?"

"It's not only my secret."

"Okay," I sighed. "When are we going after him?"

"Turks are doing reconnaissance around the reactor and keeping a close eye on it. SOLDIERs will be going in within a few days. It will be a small force. If a panic is provoked in Midgar, Genesis's escape would be aided by the resulting chaos."

"I'm going with you, right?"

He looked torn. "I wish you wouldn't ask. Genesis is cunning, a match even for what we're sending against him."

"I'm a SOLDIER now! I'm as involved in this as you," I cried.

Angeal put up his hands in surrender. "I will have you with me. But you must promise to follow my orders and keep close to me."

"I promise."

"I told you I would try to make your first mission an exciting one," he said with a faint smile. "In this case, though, the less exciting, the better. The Turks will want to try taking Genesis out from a distance first. Better for us all if they succeed, though I'm sure Genesis will anticipate such a tactic."

"Could they use a shooter, do you think? If we leave Malakh out, I know he'll tag along anyway."

"I will make the suggestion to Tseng myself."

"Really?!"

"SOLDIERs stick together, and look after our own. It's what makes us unlike most Turks," Angeal laughed softly. "Not that I'll be mentioning that to Tseng."

__

zfzfz

I guess Angeal did as he promised, because the following morning, during Strength Training, Malakh came in late. He went to give a pass to Instructor Andrews with a bounce in his step, then pulled me - mid-squat - into a hug.

"Commander Tseng just asked me to accompany the Turks on the reactor mission," he said softly. "Thank you. We'll get that bastard, you and me."

I wasn't surprised he knew about Kono and the 2nd Classes, the news had spread like wildfire. Most didn't know who was behind the deaths, and rumors were running rampant, as always. A few people even joked that it might be Dr. Hojo, which shows you the popular opinion held of him. Malakh grabbed some free weights and began to lift them half-heartedly, too eager and restless for anything so dull.

"So that other doc isn't really taking a sabbatical like we were told, huh?" he murmured. "This is a rescue mission too. That ought to appeal to an aspiring hero like you."

"Yeah," I said, though I hadn't thought much about it before. Angeal didn't totally trust him, but Hollander seemed like a good man, and anyway his return would mean Angeal wouldn't have to get his treatments from Hojo anymore. He hated that, and him, though at this point I didn't know why.

The mission to the Midgar reactor was to be our first as SOLDIERs, and Malakh and I talked about it with a mixture of anticipation and anxiety for the rest of Strength Training. When we filed out of the adjacent showers, however, I was surprised to find not Angeal waiting for me, but Commander Tseng. He gestured me away from the others and smiled thinly.

"Nothing to worry about, Fair. I asked Commander Hewley if I might walk you back so we could have this chance to talk. He is very busy, but I hope he agreed rather because he trusts me."

"He does, sir. And call me Zack."

Tseng nodded. "You may dispense with the 'sir'. This way, Zack."

I had expected we'd head straight for the apartment, but once we exited the Old Building, Tseng turned right and led me past the Exceutive Quad and into the Kurasai Building. I had been impressed with the White Building; now I was stunned. The floor was solid, polished marble inlaid with a pattern of what looked like real gold; expensive art hung on the walls in ornate frames; a brilliant crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, on which was painted a mythological scene of heroes, monsters, gods and beings with white wings. Tseng noticed my staring.

"Angels," he named the winged creatures. "Messengers of the gods. Impressive, isn't it?"

I looked around, wondering if "Duh" would be an impolite response. "Yeah."

"Sephiroth hates it," Tseng said with a laugh.

"The ceiling?"

"All of it. I think he'd rather be in the White Building with the other 1sts, but the president keeps him close in case of attack."

So Sephiroth does live here, I thought, but obviously that didn't make President Shinra feel entirely safe. There was much more security here than anywhere else in the Compound. Even with Tseng leading me, I had to show my I.D. three times before we could even get to the corridor that led to his office. Once inside, he sat down at his desk and indicated I should do the same.

"Doubtless you are wondering what this is about," he began, and I nodded. "SOLDIERs and Turks are traditionally distrustful of one another, as I'm sure you know. Our secretive nature and the sensitivity of our work makes this inevitable, perhaps. But...when I took over for Commander Veld two years ago, I did so with a personal goal - to improve relations between our organization and yours. I've had little luck so far, and lately I fear I've made matters worse."

"I don't understand, s-Tseng."

"I was quite harsh with you the night of Lieutenant Moray's death," he said simply. "In my line of work, politeness is rarely a priority, but I endeavor to practice it nonetheless. And yet, I was needlessly unpleasant to a cadet who had done no wrong, and in so doing damaged relations with the SOLDIER with whom I had, for a long time, the most friendly and cooperative working relationship."

"Angeal?"

"I wish to apologize, Zack, both for your sake and for the hope of making amends with Commander Hewley. His anger may have passed, but it was considerable. He must be a good teacher to care for you so much."

Don't blush, I warned myself, but I probably did. "I accept, sir, but really, it's not necessary. You were just trying to protect Reno, weren't you, the way Angeal protects me?"

Tseng nodded gravely. "If you know at all what Dr. Hojo is like, you will understand why Reno's ability must be kept secret. If it were made known what he can do, Hojo would have him strapped to an examining table in an instant, and the president would allow this."

"I do understand, sir. I'll keep this secret, for you and Reno."

"Thank you. It's principally Reno that I wish to talk to you about."

"What about him?" I worried for a moment that he had complained about Malakh, or had another grim vision of my future.

"Since first meeting you, Reno has become unusually agitated. He began asking a lot of questions about you, about Commander Hewley, about the SOLDIER mentor program. I could tell he was worried about something, and just yesterday I managed to make him tell me what it is."

Tseng folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, very much like Instructor Kagen, the schoolmaster back in Gongaga, used to when he was about to ask me why I couldn't keep quiet in class. I refused to shrink back and looked the commander firmly in his dark, thoughtful eyes.

"Zack, in order to properly explain how and why Reno developed the concern I speak of, there are things I must tell you about him. He has authorized this, but I must stress that what I reveal to you can go no further. You should not even mention it to Reno unless he alludes to it himself."

I felt a squirming sensation in my stomach, like I was about to hear something very bad, but I said, "I promise."

"We often say that our lives begin when we become Turks," Tseng said in a low voice. "We often take new names, and leave the old ones and our pasts behind. This is necessary, not only to devote ourselves fully to our work, but because most Turks are not the products of a happy upbringing. Reno is no exception."

Tseng's gaze was filled with sadness, hardly seeming to see me. "Like my Turks, I spend a great deal of time in Midgar. Work such as ours frequently takes us into the darkest and vilest corners of the city. Several months ago, during an investigation in Sector 4, I overheard some men in Alcane's Bar talking about a boy who was, by the sound of it, remarkable. They said he could climb with the speed and ease of a spider, even up nearly flat walls, that he moved so quickly and quietly and hid so well that he was near impossible to find when he wished to be. They said also that his intuition and guesses were eerily accurate, one man even admitted it frightened him. I was intrigued, and told myself that such a person would be an ideal Turk. I approached, got their undivided attention with a flash of my ShinRa I.D., and asked where I might find the one of whom they spoke. They smirked as they told me."

Tseng paused here, and heaved a sigh. "I think you know of an establishment called the YAOI?"

My mouth dropped open, and he nodded at the look of shock on my face. "Yes. That is where I found Reno."

"How did he...how could..."

"He ran away from home when he was twelve. He still will not tell me where he's from, perhaps because he senses that if I could find his parents, I would kill them," Tseng said, with deadly seriousness. "When Reno was eight, he had a vision that his baby sister would die within a month. He tried to warn his parents, but they only scolded him for making up such things. The girl developed a high fever two weeks later, and despite the best efforts of her doctor, passed away. The father was devastated, took to drink, and while drunk, began to beat his remaining child. The mother did nothing to stop it."

"How can Reno not want them dead?" I whispered angrily.

"Sometimes people try to excuse inexcusable actions. It is one of the mysteries of family."

That made me think immediately of Angeal, who had to pronounce his oldest friend dead to him before he could face what Genesis had become. And Sephiroth, whose heart was supposed to be as cold and steely as his eyes, making excuses for Genesis until the truth could no longer be denied.

"Reno was in Midgar for a single day before the proprietor of YAOI got ahold of him," Tseng continued. "It purports to be a high-class place, but some of its employees are underage, and I don't suppose I need tell you what they are made to do."

"He was twelve?" I asked, hoping I'd heard wrong.

"Yes, and quickly became a popular and valuable commodity," Tseng said bitterly. "I posed as a client and got in to see him. Reno seemed amused that I only wanted to talk, but I quickly determined that the bar patrons had not been exaggerating. His abilities were mere tricks to Reno, and at first he only laughed when I tried to explain who I was and what I wanted him for. I don't think he believed me until the money changed hands and I told him he was free to do whatever he liked. Thank Gaia he agreed to come with me."

"You bought him?"

Tseng looked displeased with my choice of phrase, but he nodded. "It cost an exorbitant sum and every threat to the owner I could think of. Had he known of Reno's most unusual ability, even that would surely not have been enough."

"How did you find out?"

"During our first meeting, Reno's face went suddenly slack and he told me, in a monotone, that I should keep away from the materia shop that day because it would be bombed. It happened only hours later, courtesy of environmental activists protesting the use of the Lifestream by humans, as usual." Tseng shook his head. "Reno's parents taught him to think of his power as a bad and unnatural thing. Convincing him that it need not be has been part of my effort to help him heal. It took some time to build up the current level of trust and closeness that he and I have."

"I can tell he cares about you," I said sincerely.

Tseng smiled fondly. "He's become like a son to me. An often troublesome son, true, but I've learned that his heart and his instincts may be trusted. Which brings me back to his worry for you."

"For me?"

"It took Reno some time to understand that I did not want from him what men always have. He quite naturally has difficulty with the concept of non-sexual love, as it was long unfamiliar to him. I know this, but I must ease his fear, and to do so I must ask you something you may find offensive." Tseng leaned forward again, back to that probing posture. "Zack, does Commander Hewley make you do anything you don't want to do?"

I didn't move or blink for a moment; I must have looked like a bat confronted by light. Tseng looked into my eyes and waited for me to find my voice.

"No. Can I trust you as you've trusted me, Tseng?" He nodded immediately. "I'm the one trying to convince Angeal, he's the one who's hesitating."

He continued to look searchingly at my face, in such a practiced manner that I felt exposed, but I knew I had to allow it if I was going to convince him. At last he sat back and nodded, not bothering to hide his relief.

"I believe you. It was not easy to suspect Commander Hewley of such a thing. May I tell Reno? He will keep your secret as you keep his."

"Of course. And...tell him thank you for trusting me to know about his past," I said. "I get now why he seems older than he is, and why he's so guarded. I guess he had to become that way to survive."

"Survival is almost always a matter of choice," Tseng said pensively. "Reno chose to survive, and in so doing, keeps the planet more interesting than it would be without him."

I nodded, in complete agreement. Tseng stood, and I did the same.

"Hesitation is also a choice," he said as he opened the door. "Usually, in my experience, the wrong one."

__

zfzfz

On the way back to the apartment, I asked Tseng about Project G and if he knew anything about it. He said vaguely that he had heard the term before but didn't know what it referred to. He speculated it might be something to do with Genesis, as Angeal and I had. Just before he left me at the apartment door, I thanked him for allowing Malakh to join the mission and asked if he would keep him as safe as possible.

"Malakh is eager to avenge Kono," I explained. "I'm worried he might do something reckless."

"SOLDIERs look out for one another," Tseng said with a nod. "Few people believe this, but so do Turks. Your friend has not yet given us an answer, but I will treat him as though he were one of us."

"Thank you."

"You should be careful too. Commander Hewley will no doubt be watching you closely, but he and Genesis are pretty evenly matched in terms of fighting skill. And Genesis's obsession with you makes you a high-risk target."

I attempted a brave smile. "At least, thanks to Reno, I know I won't die."

Tseng looked at me seriously, started to turn away, then turned back. "Should I come to know of a threat to your life when you are that age, I give you my word that I will help you in any way I can."

He departed swiftly and was gone, even before I could say thank you. Angeal returned a short while later, and informed me on the way to the 1st Class gym that the mission had been moved up secretly to the following day, just in case Genesis had a source of information within the Compound. I took this news as casually as I could, wondering if Angeal was as nervous as I was. If he was he didn't show it, though he sparred with me a little faster and more intensely than usual. I enjoyed this part of our training, it energized me and then left me pleasantly tired.

Angeal said if I didn't mind missing diner with the other 3rd Classes, he thought he'd just order us something from the 1st Class dining hall. It seemed like he was reluctant to end our session, and it was growing dark by the time we headed back to the apartment.

"Are you worried about tomorrow?" I asked him.

"Not for myself."

"I'll do everything you say, I promise."

He smiled at that, but only for a moment. We went to our separate bathrooms to shower, and a not uncomfortable silence endured as we both picked half-heartedly at the filet mignon the dining hall had sent up. To try to lighten the mood, I texted the 111 and 333 codes to him while he was only a few feet away. Angeal chuckled and texted back that I could try the first part on my own and he'd handle the rest. I sent back 'Handle? LOL' and he groaned and pointed in the direction of my bathroom.

I understood quickly what he meant by 'try'. I had become so unused to doing this over a toilet and alone that I had to close my eyes and pretend my hand was Angeal's to make my stubborn body cooperate. It would get easier, though, and over time become normal again. And now I had only the best part to look forward to with Angeal.

He was waiting in the kitchen, but rather than immediately assume the position, I went to him and slipped my arms around his middle. He brushed his open hand over my hair and down to the back of my neck.

"You need to sleep."

"Not now, though, right?"

"As soon as possible. Will you be able to?"

"I don't know," I said honestly.

"Are you afraid?" he asked softly.

"Not when I'm with you."

He sighed, I felt it close to my ear. "C'mon, Puppy."

Angeal took my hand, and I felt a giddy thrill when he led me into his bedroom. I got onto the bed first as he seemed to want me to, and he stood over me, staring for several long moments. Maybe it would have been kinder to turn over and try to go to sleep then, but I saw a glimmer of green in his eyes as they flickered over me. He seemed torn, and I couldn't think how to help him, what would satisfy us both, except giving in to the desire building in us.

I was hard from the way he looked at me. I shifted so that it was more visible through my shorts. I heard his breath hitch when he saw it, and he stepped forward, one hand outstretched with fingers curled, then stopped.

"Take them off," Angeal said in a trembling voice. 

I slid my boxers down (not as quickly as I could have) and tossed them to the foot of the bed. I removed my T-shirt as well, feeling a combination of apprehension and excitement to be completely nude under Angeal's intent gaze; I had never been so before.

"Touch yourself."

I was a little disappointed that Angeal remained away from me, clothed and standing, but I reluctantly obeyed, closing my hand around it. Thank Gaia, for once it and I had the same objective in mind. I stroked slowly, awkwardly, but I guess it knew Angeal was nearby and would accept no substitutes. Had I shut my eyes and pretended it would have worked, but I wasn't about to do that. I became slightly harder, and the intoxicating warmth of arousal swept all through me, but that was all. Angeal watched for a few minutes, and his fingers twitched and a dense green fought the gentle brown of his eyes.

Need for him was driving me crazy. It was unfair of me, maybe, but I made a whimpering sound and that brought him to me at last, as I'd known it would. But unexpectedly, he didn't remove my hand and replace it with his own. Instead he took hold of my ankles and pushed them toward me, so that my legs bent at the knees with my feet flat on the mattress. Angeal's hand ran along my jawline to cup my chin, then turned to press his middle and index fingers between my lips.

I drew them in eagerly, focusing all my attention on sucking them and nearly forgetting about the futile and slowed movement of my own hand. I tried to catch them when they left my mouth, but when Angeal put his hand under my thigh and raised my leg toward my chest, I had an idea or a hope of what he was about to do. I let my head drop back to the pillow and gave him an encouraging, grateful smile between heavy breaths. The green in his eyes dimmed and he looked at me with concern, but I felt his wet hand where I wanted it, where I had yearned for it, where no one but Genesis had ever touched me.

I moaned softly to encourage him further as the first finger began to lightly probe. It might have been enough that this was Angeal and I was vulnerable to him and that he was finally accepting this part of me that I wanted to give to no one else...and then, he touched something that made my whole body seize up and let go like a cramp, not with pain, but with a frighteningly intense pleasure. I cried out desperately, begging without words, and the pressure returned, with two fingers now, thrusting against this wonderful spot.

"Angeal Angeal Angeal," I chanted, wanting to tell him how this felt but unable to find any other words.

"Stroke, Puppy," he said, and my hand obeyed before I could interpret his words.

I wanted to go in too many directions at once - down to push his fingers further in, up into my own hand, into his arms where I wanted to be and stay forever. Caught between them, I jerked and squirmed, jolting like electricity was being channeled into me from him. I felt that he could never go deep enough to satisfy me, not without breaking me apart and leaving me in pieces. But the fingers slid farther inside, rubbing back and forth over that crucial spot.

I couldn't focus on or remember anything, not my own name or what I was supposed to be doing. At some point my hands fell together to the mattress and fisted the blanket beneath me. I looked into Angeal's eyes, earthy brown rimmed with that toxic green, and gasped his name, and as the rush built to overflow he took me in his other hand. He knew my body, he handled it as well as his Buster Sword, and the world and I exploded together in a white light.

The fingers gently withdrew as I came down, and I forced my eyes open when I felt him stand up. He was breathing heavily, but not in the way that follows release. I weakly put out my arms and panted, "No, please, stay. Let me - "

"I will be right back."

"Angeal!"

He went into the bathroom without another glance at me. Even in this drowsy, post-orgasm haze, I felt hurt that he wouldn't let me take care of him the way he took care of me. When I could sit up, I grabbed my clothes and put them back on, and sat holding my legs to wait for Angeal to return.

When he did it was in shorts and a T-shirt, like me, and with a composed expression and no hint of green in his probing, concerned gaze. I smiled first to show him I was okay, then pouted.

"That's not fair. Why wouldn't you let me..."

"It's not necessary."

"But I want to."

"There are some things even I can't excuse, Puppy," he said glumly.

"If you'd let us just be together, you wouldn't need excuses. What does it matter how it started between you and me?" I argued passionately. "I love you, you love me. Good or bad, that's enough to make us worthy of each other!"

Angeal looked at me with such pain that I nearly flinched from it. "There are things you don't know, Zack. Things you can't know."

"That's okay. I don't care about the past. Or the future either, if it's one without you."

He sighed, with a sound so low I saw it more than heard it, and took a step toward me.

"Angeal."

"Let me think, Pup. Let me think about it."

That was a better answer than I could've sanely expected, but..."Are you saying that to make me shut up and go to sleep?"

"No," he said with a wan smile, "I'm saying this to make you shut up and go to sleep - if you are not well-rested tomorrow, I will leave you behind."

I immediately lay down. Chuckling, Angeal got in beside me and pulled the blanket over both of us - no attempt made, this time, to disguise our shapes from one another. I snuggled against him and he allowed it, throwing one arm over me to run up and down my back and through my hair. I put my head under his chin and nuzzled his chest with my face.

"Pup," he said quietly, "the things I have done to you..."

"I forgive you, okay? If it was wrong, I forgive it."

"I may end up hurting you worse than that someday."

"We don't know anything about the future," I said drowsily, "we can't know. Is there anything you're sure about?"

"Yes," he said, placing kisses on my head between words. "I will love you then as I do now."

**To be continued!**


	20. A Perfect Circle

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 20 - A Perfect Circle**

 

It seems now like I blinked and I was in my new black SOLDIER uniform, the Junior Buster ready on its magnet sheath. Angeal was standing beside me in the darkness of the alley and he, in the presence of Lieutenants Averman and Tilton, ran his hand over my hair. He did it absently, uncaring who saw, and the other 1st Classes - if they noticed - showed no reaction.

There were three entrances to the Midgar mako reactor. Sephiroth was taking his team through the subterranean basement level, Commander Diehl's team was going in the main entrance, and our group was waiting to use a side door. The reactor was a complicated place, so one person on each team was accessing a map on his phone and acting as navigator. For ours it was Lt. Tilton, and it was his job to guide us as we checked the ground-floor level. Commander Diehl's team would take the one above us, and Malakh and the Turks would be set up on the roof in case Genesis tried to escape that way. I didn't see how he could get anywhere from that height anyway, but I figured my superior officers knew best.

As we awaited the signal, Angeal whispered to me, "You remember what to do?"

"Stay close to you."

"And if something should happen to me, stay close to the others."

"Angeal - "

"That's the signal," Averman said, snapping his phone shut.

"Move in, and be on your guard."

We entered single-file, Tilton first, then Angeal, me and Averman. Even in the daytime the reactor - cleared of surviving personnel - was dark and tomblike, silent except for the dull drone of machinery working and pipes pumping the mako from one place to another. My mako level was low then, but what I had was just enough to put a faint glow in my eyes and allow me to see my way, though not all that well.

The rooms we filed through quietly were full of equipment and monitors, though I never had the faintest idea what any of them did. I kept myself alert and ready to grab my sword at a second's notice, wishing I had the kind of heightened senses 1st Classes have. I wondered if the exercises I did with Angeal would become much easier now that I was on a mako regimen, then scolded myself. This was no time to be Angeal's puppy, it was more important than ever before that I concentrate.

I think we were into the third or fourth room when it happened, a square-shaped one full of filing cabinets that probably contained the reactor's records. There was a faint metallic noise, like something was opening somewhere. Angeal signaled something to the others with one hand and moved in the direction the sound seemed to come from. I instinctively tried to follow, but Lt. Averman grabbed me by the arm and pushed me behind him. I was being baby-sat by a 1st Class again, but there wasn't time to be annoyed.

Someone cried out a warning; I didn't catch the words, if there were any. In a single moment, the room had filled with a white smoke so thick it felt nearly solid, and an arm was around me that wasn't Angeal's and a hand was over my mouth. We were moving so fast that I instinctively shut my eyes against the wind we generated, and it felt like we were going up somehow. Then there was the heavy, final sound of a metal door shutting and the still air of a large, open room. I opened my eyes just as my wrists, held behind me, received the cold weight of what felt like handcuffs that made a beep as they were locked.

Genesis's smirking face and red eyes were inches from mine. "I missed you, little puppy," he whispered.

__

zfzfz

I was only frozen for a second, and then there was panic as I tried to throw off the grip of his hands on my arms - I couldn't budge them. Kicking Genesis was like kicking Angeal; he only laughed, and I think it hurt me more than it did him. At last my SOLDIER training kicked in and told me that I couldn't get out of this by using strength, so I should conserve it. Also, I remembered what Angeal had said about why Genesis had frightened me, and I took a deep breath to encourage my heartbeat to slow. I glared at Genesis defiantly, determined to behave like a SOLDIER no matter what happened.

"What do you know of the Lifestream?" he asked me.

"I know you'll be joining it soon," I snapped.

Genesis laughed, as though both amused and moved to pity by my ignorance and bravado. "Everyone believes that it is the river of souls circling the planet, but I know the truth. The Goddess has shown me the correct interpretation."

"What kind of SOLDIER are you? If you want to fight, then I - "

"No, no, lovely, you are not my opponent. You are my revenge. Through you, Angeal will pay for what he took from me. We've come full circle, Angeal and I. Again we want the same thing."

"He was your friend!" I yelled, struggling again though I knew it was useless. "You're the one who betrayed him!"

"Angeal knows what he's done, even if you don't," Genesis said calmly. "If he had truly been my friend, none of them would have had to die."

"You killed Kono."

He laughed. "Yamura's mind, so eager to please, so trusting, was easy to manipulate. So easy to drink from him and make him forget, to make him tell me everything he knew about you, to have him switch the syringes before your mako test. But then he began fighting me, and I couldn't have him warning you."

My eyes felt hot and wet. "And Lieutenant Moray?"

Genesis reached into his pocket and drew out a silver chain. He dangled it over my face, let the raindrop pendant glide over my lips.

"The fool. So infatuated with you that he dared to confront me. You should have heard him, it was all very touching. 'Stay away from Zack or I'll make you sorry', et cetera." Genesis grabbed a fistful of my hair with one hand and held my head back to look down at my face. "Do you suppose he thought of you on the way down?"

"I'll kill you," I said in a choked whisper.

"Angeal will pay." Genesis brought my head forcefully to rest on his shoulder, and whispered in my ear. "I can smell him on you. I could always smell him on you. Has he had you yet? Mmm, no, you still have that pure scent of the untouched."

He took hold of my collar and yanked, stretching it away from my neck, and his cool lips brushed the sensitive skin there. A shiver of fear and revulsion went through me, intensifying when his hand descended down my back, and then lower. My sword was gone, but where, I had no idea. I tried to think what Angeal would want me to do, what a hero would do, but Genesis was hugging me closer and his tongue was tracing the line of my jugular vein. I was afraid and I couldn't deny it anymore. My heart pounded and I whimpered, and Genesis made a sound of contentment and stroked my hair with his thumb.

"There, there, lovely. The Goddess is merciful, and she won't make you suffer. Remember, I told you, playing with me feels so good." His arms tightened around me. "'Behold, the Goddess said, you who desire power in my name to do deeds for my glory, drink deep of the Lifestream and let the renewing force of its energy sustain you.' Ready?"

I felt his breath on my neck and prepared myself for pain. A sound like an explosion of metal on metal shattered the near-silence, and Genesis looked up and behind me. I squirmed but couldn't turn around, and my eyes filled, with a mixture of joy to hear Angeal's voice and fear that I had been bait to lure him to his death.

"Genesis!"

"That was faster than I expected, my friend. Let me guess...you had a tracking chip installed in his phone? You always were so careful."

"If you want to fight me, Genesis, I am here. Your anger is directed at me only. Zack is not part of this."

"Of course he is." Genesis began to idly run his fingers through my hair, and I heard Angeal growl. "What was it...nearly two years ago, that you began watching him? You were able to resist for so long, but I knew you would give in eventually, and that's when I would strike. When you had something you loved enough that I could take, to pay you back. Sephiroth told me how you were becoming enamored of a new cadet, and my long work began."

"He told you that to reassure you that there was nothing going on between he and I. He was trying to help you!"

"Yes, I know. Sephiroth, everyone's hero, everyone's fantasy, and yet incapable of reading the true intentions of a friend." Genesis's tone dropped to a chilling iciness. "Were you being a friend to him when you betrayed me? Was that all you were doing?"

"Yes! I told you that!"

"But this one here..." His fingers ran down my cheek, following my head when I tried to avoid them. "This one is more, isn't he? Is it love? Or are you only trying to save this one because you couldn't save - "

"Don't." Angeal's voice matched Genesis's in temperature. "You never understood that. If you had, you would understand why I did what I did."

"You took what was mine! Now I will have what's yours."

"Do you want the slow death I will give you for that, Genesis?" Angeal growled. I had never heard such rage in his voice. "Do you want Sephiroth to lose every last bit of fondness he has for you? Do this, and I guarantee you he will. Better yet, harm Zack and I'll maim you and let the doctors cage you as long as they like. Don't doubt I can do it."

There certainly was not the least bit of doubt or hesitation in Angeal's voice. Genesis waited a long, pensive few moments before he spoke.

"You think I am a monster, don't you? Then what are you, Angeal? What do you feel yourself becoming?"

Angeal said nothing. I could feel how afraid for me he was, and his eyes fixed on me.

"'One will turn his devotion from the Goddess and give his heart to another. One will rise above the others and become the Goddess's champion.' It's our story, Angeal. Are you so eager for the ending?"

It's hard to describe what happened next. It must have all been only seconds, but they passed so slowly, each one so intense. Genesis's mouth went to my neck and I felt pressure and a sharp prick, and though I hate to admit it, a sudden, overpowering pleasure rushed through me. I think I collapsed against him as he drank, but I can't be sure, because my awareness was taken over by these strange, flashing visions, memories that weren't mine.

~Angeal and Sephiroth, small children walking up a grassy hill overhung with apple trees, the dark-haired one moving excitedly, the silver-haired with an unnatural grace. Someone behind, the one whose point of view I watched from, says "I hate my mother."

"You shouldn't say that," Angeal scolds.

"Yes, Angeal, we know you love your mother," the childish voice sneers. "What about you, Seph?"

The silver-haired child turns around, a passive expression on his angelic face. "I never had a mother," he says, and resumes his steady walk up the hill.~

~Sephiroth again, in a darkness surrounded by rough rock walls, small still, maybe around eight. As he walks toward the light of an opening in the rock, he bats away a small pair of hands that reach for him. "You can't," he says emotionlessly. "No one else is allowed."~

~The clearing Angeal had shared with me, during twilight on a day when the flowers were still alive and blooming,and the bushes younger than they were when I knew them. The eyes I saw through peer from behind the large fern leaves to see two nude figures entwined on the thick grass. Angeal, five years before I met him, on top of Sephiroth and gently thrusting into him. Angeal clasps one of Sephiroth's hands in his own and murmurs "It's okay, it's okay..."~

And as quick as they'd come, the visions were gone, and I was huddled against the nearest wall, dizzy and aroused and still bound by the handcuffs. I couldn't move, only watch with awe and fear as Angeal and Genesis battled, their swords crashing together like thunder. This was Angeal as I had never seen him before, not teaching, not demonstrating, but intending to kill. They moved almost too fast to follow, blurs of scarlet and black that defied the laws of gravity. A black wing sprang out from Genesis's back, and when I saw it I thought I was hallucinating, though it did help explain how Genesis had gotten me to this place so quickly. 

Angeal's skill awed me, but Genesis seemed to be his equal or very nearly so, and I don't think I started breathing again until Genesis began to falter, and his blows became progressively clumsier. Angeal saw the weakness and took advantage - as he'd told me to always do - driving Genesis to defend against stronger and faster thrusts and slashes. At last the Buster Sword caught Genesis unaware, and the wide blade drove straight through his stomach, nearly cutting him in half. I felt sick at the sight of this, but so relieved when Angeal quickly looked the corpse over, turned and hurried straight to me. 

I pressed my face to his chest with a happy sigh, and he hugged me back before he looked over my shoulder to examine my restraints. 

"They're timer-cuffs, they'll only unlock when they're programmed to. You've got about fifteen minutes, Pup." He took my face in his hands and looked it over carefully. "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" 

"No, are you?" He shook his head. "Angeal..." 

I was trying to inch closer; he understood. He pulled me against him so tightly that I had to turn my head in order to keep breathing. His hands were everywhere, moving frantically, but not in a sexual way - it was more like he was trying to convince himself that I was there and really unharmed. The bite-mark left by Genesis stung a little when his fingers touched it, but I could feel it healing already. I angled my head to press my ear against the rapid thumping of his heart. 

"It's being loud again," I said with a wavering voice. 

Angeal laughed softly. "It will be quiet soon." 

"Angeal!" 

He turned, recognizing Sephiroth's voice as I did. He didn't let go, though, and I was only able to see by looking around him. The general was not alone. Dr. Hollander, pale and haggard, stumbled before him to kneel at Genesis's side. He seemed so distraught that I felt bad for him, though I couldn't be sorry Genesis was no longer a threat to us. Sephiroth looked at the body with a blank expression, though his eyes were full of some emotion, or rather many of them. 

"We found Hollander locked in a basement room," Sephiroth said, and his gaze moved to Angeal and I. "He is dead?" 

"Seph, I - " 

"It had to be done. Are either of you injured?" 

"No." Angeal stood, picking me up as he did so, and began to walk toward a nearby door. "Would you excuse Zack and I for a few minutes?" 

I thought I caught a brief smile on Sephiroth's lips. "Of course." 

Angeal opened the door to a small room, empty but for a few pieces of quiet, cold machinery with monitors and rows of keypads. As we went in, I heard Hollander begging to be allowed to take care of Genesis's body himself, that he didn't want Hojo to get his hands on it, and Sephiroth saying of course he could. I was placed on the floor, sitting to lean back against one of the machines, then Angeal shut the door and came back to me. 

"You put a tracking chip in my phone?" I asked him, shifting restlessly. 

"I knew you would keep it on you." Angeal touched my arms. "Stop struggling. Relax." 

"I need it." 

"Your phone?" 

"Three-three-three," I mumbled, embarrassed that I could be so aroused at such a time. 

But Angeal only smiled faintly. He nudged my legs my legs apart and ran his thumb over the head beneath the cloth. I tried to push forward into his hand, but with my hands behind me it was hard to keep my balance. 

"It's an after-effect of Genesis's feeding. Intense, wasn't it?" 

"Angeal...I saw..." 

"Not yet, Pup." 

He unzipped my pants and his head bowed low to take me into his mouth. This was like the kitchen-floor ritual had started out, or it should have been - a business-like taking care of a biological need - but Angeal's tongue was teasing and slow, his hands caressing as they kept my hips still. I was already so near the edge and he kept me there, making me tremble with long, sensual licks and lapping up the fluid that showed him how far I was. At last, he needed only to suck for a few moments before I came, and he drank every drop I shot into his throat. 

After the stresses that ended only minutes before, I didn't want to break the peace of the moment when he hugged me close and his larger frame curled protectively around me. But what I had seen... 

"Angeal," I whispered, "you...and Sephiroth..." 

He sighed heavily. "I thought he would show you that. Genesis has wanted Sephiroth for a long time, since we were only children. What you saw is what Genesis could not forgive me for, what he believed I took from him." 

"So, you two were..." It hurt my heart to think of it, even if the two of them were nothing but friends now. 

"I care for Sephiroth very much, I always have," Angeal said quietly. "But we are friends, family. We've never been any more than that." 

"Then...why - " 

"I was trying to help him with something, Puppy. That's all I can tell you." 

I was too overwhelmed and tired at the moment to try to riddle that out, so I nodded against Angeal's chest, and he rested his head on mine and tenderly stroked my hair. 

"See how easily I accepted that?" I said, as lightly as I could. "I can do that with everything about you. You have to accept that you're stuck with me, and there's no good complaining, 'cause it's your own fault. You chose me, remember?" 

"It's arrogant," he laughed softly, "and what I've done was...but I believed and still believe that no one could possibly love you like I do." 

"So why give anyone else the chance? You don't really want me to 'play with the other puppies', do you?" 

Angeal drew back to look at me with a frown. "I don't want anyone else touching you," he murmured. 

"I don't either. Genesis is dead. It's safe now, right?" He started to speak; I interrupted. "I know, we can't be sure. But you told me there's one thing you're certain of." 

His hand caressed my cheek, and I turned into it. "I'm certain too." 

Angeal looked into my eyes for a long time - brown into pale blue, rich soil facing the Banora sky. I've been told my eyes are expressive, so I tried to put everything I felt for him into them. If they were glowing, I don't think it was because of the mako. After a torturous few moments, Angeal smiled ruefully. 

"Commander Lefler will have a fit. He'll probably take you aside and ask you where on the Moogle doll scary Commander Hewley touched you." 

"You mean - " 

"I mean no more wrestling with Highcliff. I do not share." 

I threw myself at Angeal (I might have fallen if he hadn't caught me) and he brought my head to his and our mouths crashed together like they had been waiting for this even longer than we had. The restraint and reluctance that I had always felt like a wall between us crumbled, and Angeal was as eager as I, though he did and always would try to handle me gently. With a 'beep' the timer-cuffs unlocked and fell from my wrists, and when I wrapped my arms around Angeal he moaned softly and pulled me practically onto his lap. 

"They are waiting for us," he panted at last, regretfully. "Up you get, Pup." 

"I can walk." 

"Lean on me, then." 

To my continuing delight (and fear this was only a dream), Angeal held me to his side not like a wounded comrade, but in such a way that I was as close to him as possible. I knew it was obvious when Sephiroth turned away from us too late to hide a faint smile, and Malakh ran toward me and stopped short, grinning at me with comically wide eyes. 

"Everything...okay, Zack?" he asked slyly. 

Angeal clearly didn't wish us to be a secret, not from the way he held me and the back-off-he's-mine look on his face. So I figured it was okay to give the answer I spoke. 

"I'm not allowed to spar unarmed with you anymore," I said proudly. 

The expression on Malakh's face was priceless, a combination of happiness for me, jealousy of both of us, curiosity, and the glee he felt at the idea of knowing about this before almost anyone else. He would later beg me to let him be the one to tell Briggs and Saeni, but for now Malakh only grinned with suggestive approval and gave me a thumbs-up. 

I laughed. Angeal rolled his eyes but chuckled almost inaudibly, and gently pressed his lips into my hair. 

__

zfzfz

I thought my heart broke years ago, but somehow it still hurts, remembering all this. Cloud is sleeping peacefully, and I want to go curl up next to him, I know he'll sense it's me and snuggle closer, as he always does. But I don't trust myself. For months now we've been on the run, for months I've held and bathed and fed him, and I've slipped before, but never further than a little touching. It's always this time that's hardest for me, early morning when the world around us is silent and Cloud and I seem to be the only people on the planet. I want to be better than Hojo. Better than Angeal, as much as I loved him and always will.

I'm tired, and when I'm tired I look back on my life and see a series of joined circles - the circle that brought me from Gongaga and back again only recently, the circle that gave me Angeal and took him away, the circle that took Cloud out of Nibelheim with determination and then caged him there, the circle of Sephiroth from child to hero to the confused angel reaching for the monster he called Mother. And I remember Reno's prophecy about the age of my death, the age I am now. Cloud, if it's you I die protecting, Reno's right. I won't regret it. 

I'll sleep a little while, and try not to think of Cloud's body while I hold it close to me. Then I'll feed and bathe him and come back to this notebook, trace out the past's remaining circles until they bring me back to this house, this room. My story is nowhere near over yet. The crisis that tore my life apart was yet to come. 

**To be continued.**


	21. Into Sleep

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Part Two - Jenova Rising**

**Chapter 21 - Into Sleep**

 

"Pup, you're not applying enough force," Angeal said in a scolding tone. "Are you even trying?"

"I am," I insisted, though it was barely the truth, "you're just so much bigger! How am I supposed to - "

"Look for your opponent's weakness. Can you see one?" I glanced down at myself, pinned to the floor by Angeal's warm, muscle-thick frame, and he rolled his eyes. "All right, can you think of another?"

"Yeah, but it's a part I don't want to damage."

He let that one go without comment. "Your opponent's weight and strength outmatch your own, you see no weakness in the hold. What do you do next?"

"Distraction. Take every advantage, right?" He nodded, and I grinned. "Yes, sir."

I lifted my head to meet Angeal's lips. He made an "mmm" noise and followed my head back to the mat to continue the kiss, because we had begun to do unarmed fighting practice at night when the 1st Class gym was empty and quiet. Had we not been alone, he would have kept the kiss brief and gently scolded me - out of his sense of propriety, not a desire for secrecy. Only days after Genesis's death, everyone at ShinRa was reacting to the news that Commander Hewley was romantically involved with his 3rd Class student.

Whenever asked, Angeal confirmed it with a faint smile, and though he thought public displays unbecoming, he unselfconsciously took my hand or held me close to him no matter whose company we were in. Making us official didn't wipe from Angeal's conscience the guilt he felt over the way he and I had begun, but I think my happiness reassured him, as his did me. Whenever I saw a shadow of doubt or fear cross his face, I would snuggle against him and press my lips to his face or neck and whisper to him that I loved him, and he would either let his hands search my body for reassurance or gently nudge me away and tell me to concentrate. This was the beginning of my happiest time, and I know he felt the same.

"Zack," Angeal whispered at last, in a strangely loving voice for a man who had my arms above my head in grips of iron, "this is not the place for such things."

"No one's around," I said, undulating my body beneath the welcome weight of his, which I knew would wear him down. "Even if they were, we aren't doing anything wrong."

"Some might question the morality of a twenty-five-year-old man corrupting his teenaged student."

"Ha. I corrupted you, if anything."

There had been a stir following the news of us, and as predicted, Commander Lefler drew me aside and wouldn't let me go until I swore up and down that I was the one who begged for the relationship. But otherwise, there was no trouble, aside from some odd looks and envy from the other 3rds. Even if any 1sts had had a problem with me and Angeal, Angeal was too respected to be spoken to any way but politely.

Once Lt. Averman asked, purely in a curious manner, if the age difference was difficult for us. Angeal had me at his side and was running his fingers through my hair, and he said simply, "No." When Averman left and we were alone, I snuggled close to him and joked that I bet he liked it that I was so young. His response was uncharacteristically teasing and kinky, which is maybe why I remember it so well. Angeal's eyes glowed softly, and into my ear he whispered, "What about you, Pup? Do you mind being my little boy?" I shoved him and laughed, saying I didn't mind the 'Puppy' thing, but let's not go any further. I guess his being able to joke about it was a good sign, a way of showing his lack of discomfort.

"Maybe," Angeal chuckled, running his lips over the line of my jaw, "but who could look into those innocent eyes of yours and believe you capable of anything devious? Aside from those of us who know you, I mean."

I pouted, but he kissed it away into a smile. "Don't worry, Angeal," I teased, "everyone understands. You're having a midlife crisis. Some men buy fancy cars, some move to Costa del Sol, and others date seventeen-year-olds."

"Bad puppy," he scolded, pressing his cheek against mine.

Once we were officially together, I don't think the age difference bothered him much. In fact, I think it suited his protective and dominant nature to be with a younger partner. He seemed to like that I was shorter and smaller, that I could nearly disappear into his body when I hugged him, that I was as impulsive and bouncy as he was patient and calm. Angeal was older, he outranked me, as my mentor he was in a position of authority. He could lift me with one arm like I was a rolled-up blanket and pin me any time he wanted. The only thing we were equal in was love, and his insistence that I had as much power over him as he did over me.

"Not the place, Pup," Angeal breathed into my ear, though the way he pressed into me wouldn't have fooled anyone.

"Let's go somewhere more appropriate, then."

"I wish we could...but I have to see Hollander." He answered my objection before I could say it. "I know it's not Thursday. But Hollander has had enough time to recover from his ordeal. He has information he must share."

"Can I come with you?"

"I don't know how long I'll be."

"I can't sleep without you," I pouted. "Pleeeease?"

Angeal let go of my wrists at last and propped himself above me with his hands. I tried to pull him down but he wouldn't cooperate, so I put my arms up and tangled my fingers into his hair. I loved the rich, dark feel of it, like handfuls of the inky night sky.

"Not too tired?"

"You know me, sir."

"Such a puppy." Angeal sat back, put his hands beneath my arms and ran them downward, letting his thumbs wander inward when they reached my legs. "Maybe I should take care of you now. Otherwise you won't hear a word the doctor says."

Lucky for me, the 1st Class gym's showers were also deserted by nine that night. It was with the excitement of something both familiar and new that I struggled out of my workout clothes and pulled at Angeal's. At last, he allowed himself the pleasure he had long given me. He liked me to stand still under the hot spray of water and wash me himself, but he let me return the favor, and the rest was for both of us.

Black spikes drenched and slicked back, I would lay my forehead against his shoulder, looking down so I could watch him bring us together in his large hand. The arm around my waist held me up as it always had, but I could look at Angeal any time I wanted, could talk, could kiss him. I did all these things, though the sight of him stroking us together, making us dance slowly with his fingers, was hard to turn away from. More intimate than his hand alone, this pulsing part of Angeal covered me, rubbed against me, soothed me and banished my worries the way every part of him did. I could feel his blood and mine rushing together in the same rhythm, in this, in the muscles of his back I kneaded, in the mouth that opened to moan against my neck.

Breathing synchronized, desires intertwined, we always came together, with the release of this immediate need splattering the space between us, which didn't exist. The hard organs which had battled in Angeal's hand (sometimes mine too, though he drew it out better) deflated, and slick with white they slipped like eels through his fingers, back to rest for a while. After leading us insistently to this moment, they surrendered and pondered their previous certainty at just the instant Angeal seemed to forget he had ever had doubts. All hesitation and restraint left his kisses and touches, and I could feel his happiness and his confidence that he had passed the test I was to him, though maybe not in the way he'd expected.

__

zfzfz

His captivity and Genesis's death had aged Dr. Hollander. Formerly a pleasant and alert man of late middle age, the impression he gave now was one of decline, of wariness after too many disappointments. Angeal had told me of the doctor's long, almost paternal fondness for he and Genesis, and I supposed it was understandable that grief and guilt had washed the vigor out of his eyes.

If Hollander felt any resentment toward Angeal for killing Genesis, he hid it well, greeting him with the same restrained warmth and concern as always. Angeal must have sensed that being in Hollander's office brought back memories of tension and fear. As Hollander spoke a kind hello to me and his relief that I was all right, Angeal pressed his palm to the back of my neck and ran his fingers through my hair. Hollander smiled tightly, an expression that never reached his eyes.

"I heard. Can't say I'm surprised. I'm happy for you both," he said, then added, somewhat vaguely, "You know best, Angeal."

Two chairs sat facing the doctor's desk, and Angeal and I settled into them like patients awaiting a diagnosis. Angeal looked at Hollander with the sternness he often used on SOLDIERs, and the doctor hurriedly spoke first.

"You know I want to help all I can. But I don't know what I can tell you that I didn't include in my written report."

"Genesis awoke without warning, though you had not decreased the dose of Prevesil."

"Correct."

"I have no wish to cause you trouble, Doctor, and I will not alter your report. But I want the truth."

Hollander's shoulders slumped. "All right. I halved the dose, to get Genesis conscious enough to listen to me. I don't know how he woke up so fully and so strong, but in an instant he was up and telling me my life depended on how well I would follow his orders."

"He took you directly to the reactor?"

"Yes. I don't know where he went, sometimes he was gone a long time. He brought me food and books, and the equipment I needed from my lab in Banora, so I could continue his mako adjustment."

"He was not always alone?" Angeal asked.

"No. When he left me I was guarded by men in SOLDIER uniforms. They wore helmets to hide their faces, and said nothing."

SOLDIER uniforms? I looked at Angeal, wondering what this might mean, but his business-like attention remained fixed on Hollander.

"How many?"

"As I said in the report, I can't be sure it was ever the same few. Between three and any higher number, I suppose." The doctor looked anxious. "You don't think there's a connection to the recent SOLDIER disappearance, do you? How could there be? Genesis is gone."

"SOLDIER disappearance?"

"You're to keep this knowledge to yourself, Zack," Angeal said quietly. "It's been restricted to the 1st Class, to keep the kind of fear the string of deaths caused from recurring. 2nds and 3rds on patrol in Midgar have started to go missing, five so far. ShinRa is not concerned yet, and it may be nothing, but Genesis may very well have set some mischief into motion before his death. The disappearances began before then, you remember, and they continue."

"Does this have anything to do with me not being scheduled for Midgar patrol once yet?" I asked. It was a duty left mostly to 3rd Classes, and yet my name consistently remained absent from the schedule.

"It's for me to decide the specifics of your training," was his stubborn answer.

"But the others, they should be warned - "

"They're ordered to work in pairs now, and the Turks are keeping watch. It would do little good to provoke panic, and we cannot warn about something if we don't know what it is," Angeal said reasonably.

He was trying to reassure, but old fear was creeping up after only a week of being happy and safe. I looked at Hollander inquisitively, wondering.

"Doctor, what did you do...with Genesis?"

His eyes dropped to the desk, full of sadness. "I cremated him and sent the ashes home to his parents. You'll understand my haste, Angeal. Dr. Hojo," he said, by way of explanation.

Angeal nodded. I couldn't tell if the hardness in his eyes was suspicion or hatred; they only ever looked at me with need and softness. Softness now, before his next question.

"You saw nothing of Cadet Yamura during your captivity?"

"No," Hollander said heavily. "Genesis must have kept him somewhere else. I had no idea. I hoped the boy had just run away."

"Genesis said nothing of his plans?"

"He only quoted from that book. I included all I can remember in my report."

"Doctor, what is Project G?"

Angeal's bluntness seemed to strike Hollander's heart like a bullet. He went white, his mouth gaped for a moment. I half-expected him to clutch his chest in agony. Then he mastered himself, quickly.

"Where did you hear that term?"

"Dr. Hojo."

"Hojo would not have told you anything," Hollander said confidently. "Anyway, it isn't important, Angeal, it has nothing to do with any of this."

"Nothing to do with Genesis?"

The doctor looked at him defiantly. "No."

"And that white smoke he used at the reactor to blind us, that was a formula you'd been working on." Hollander nodded, seeming relieved, but Angeal continued. "He forced you to make it for him. How did he know of it at all?"

"He ransacked my office before we left, went through my files."

"Is that all he found?"

Hollander looked angry, though determined to contain it. Angeal seemed uncertain about his own vague, prodding accusations, like he was torn between his suspicions and the years he'd known and trusted this man. He must not have expected an answer, because he didn't press for one. He stood, headed for the door and I followed, grabbing his hand.

__

zfzfz

"You think he was helping Genesis, don't you?" I asked once we were home.

"I don't know. If he was, he must have had reasons I'm unaware of."

"People used to tell me that about you. That you don't do anything without reason," I said playfully.

"Really?" One of his eyebrows lifted. "And did you believe them? Is that why you let me paper-train you, Pup?"

"Well, I had my own reasons too."

Grinning, I pounced and he caught me lightly, lifting me nearly off my feet to bring our mouths together. He put his hand on my ass to nudge me upward, and a jolt passed into me from it. I pressed as close as I could, whispering his name in a half-teasing, half-whining voice. He made an "mmm" sound, then laughed.

"We have a lot to do tomorrow."

"Not tired."

"And not satisfied either, hmm?" Angeal began to walk me backwards toward the bedroom, groping me under my shirt.

"I'm seventeen, you know."

"I know. Gaia help me."

We hadn't, yet. The week had been a busy one, and I think Angeal thought it improper to just tumble me into the bed like that was what he'd been waiting for all this time. My bedroom was now purely for storage, and sometimes studying. I slept there only on Thursday nights, the nights Angeal went for mako treatments. I told him I didn't care if his movement woke me up, but he shook his head and solemnly reminded me that such a high dosage temporarily lowers inhibitions. "In that case," I joked, "I really want to stay with you," but he wouldn't budge.

At least I had him all to myself the other six nights. We would slide into the sheets by dim lamplight, peel off our clothes piece by piece and explore each other. Gaia, was nude Angeal a sight! Have you ever seen those old marble statues of gods and heroes at the big museum in Midgar, those perfectly sculpted forms? They could've been modeled on Angeal. He was a SOLDIER, used to nudity, used to compliments about his body, and amused by the way my eyes glazed over when I looked him up and down. I sometimes became a little shy when he looked at me, but never enough not to want his hands everywhere and the awe and desire in his stare. Often, while he was drawing these situations out, he would loom over me and take me in with his eyes and fingers, starting with my face and going all over. "Are you memorizing me?" I asked once, but his only answer was his tongue against mine.

We still did many of the same things. Angeal liked stroking us together, so he could watch my eyes, he said. He sucked me, and to my delight he no longer had any excuses to keep me from returning the favor. I loved it, and by his reaction I know he did too, but he preferred positions that allowed him to hold me. And he gave me his fingers, which was amazing, but that night I was determined to push us further.

"I want you," I said bluntly. If I had waited for the third finger or taken longer to say it, I might have forgotten how to speak.

Number three made its entrance, and something was different. Instead of ganging up on one spot as they usually did, they fanned out as much as they could in a very limited space, like they were trying to stretch me. Yes! Angeal's aroused expression showed concern, but he wouldn't need much convincing.

"Are you sure?"

"If you don't...I'll kill you," I gasped, and he smiled.

"At least I would live on in your spirit."

"I want you in something else."

"Bad puppy."

Angeal slowly settled my legs up onto his shoulders. All this was pretty theoretical for me then, but I saw how it was going to work and loved that we could be face-to-face for this. SOLDIERs have to keep their bodies flexible, so there was no discomfort when he leaned in close to kiss me and my knees approached my face. And when he gently began to enter me, it hurt, but it didn't exactly. I remember trying not to wince at first, but I don't want to call it an ugly word like pain. The sensation was cleaner than that, like the shedding of an old skin, or a cocoon bursting open to free something beautiful, something so real it could not be contained.

My breath caught in my throat. It had never seemed possible to be this close to someone, and the evidence that I could be brought up a feeling from months ago, coming out of the blue again. I will never feel like this for anyone else. I feel like this for someone. I was not alive before you, Angeal, and being born always hurts. We don't necessarily do it only once.

My eyes flooded faster than should have been possible. I wanted to hide them, but there was no way, Angeal had been watching my face too closely. He had been going slowly; now he stopped altogether and touched my cheek.

"Zack?" His voice was so concerned and affectionate, I couldn't keep quiet, though it was the worst possible time for bawling. "Does it hurt?"

"No, no, I - don't stop - "

"Pup, what's wrong?"

"I just..." It was like looking at him from under water, like I might've drowned without his soothing hands. "I just - love you - "

I worried that my sniffling would make him back off, confirm that I was a child unfit for an adult relationship, or that he'd stop what we were doing and decide I wasn't ready. But he looked at me with understanding, and a glimmer in his own eyes that wasn't mako.

"Zack. I love you too."

I closed my eyes, it was too much. I was full everywhere. Something had to come out to relieve this pressure, and I clung to Angeal to keep him where he was, so it was sobs and tears, which could not have been very sexy. But Angeal came even closer. He slid a hand beneath my neck and lifted my head to rest against his shoulder, while he wordlessly kissed the side of my face and nuzzled into my hair. It was cathartic, this outburst, like all the fear of loss and overwhelming feeling and everything that made up panic was draining out as Angeal comforted me. And the empty space it left was filling with something else, a keen awareness of Angeal inside and a driving need for him to be further.

I pressed my lips to his hot skin, whispered to it. "Angeal."

He shifted to observe my drying eyes. "Feel better?"

"I need you." I tried to pull him further in. "I'm okay."

"I know. Relax, I'm here. I'm not going away."

"Promise," I said, but the demand flew out of my head as fast as it had out of my mouth.

Angeal was navigating a part of me I knew nothing of, cautious of how narrow a passage the slickened walls formed. Yet he found his way quickly to the fingers' favorite place, and his erection was more eager than they had been. It met this pleasure center like one living creature embracing another. I moaned and arched my back and it pressed harder, deeper, and it and he were everywhere. For the first time, I was enclosing him, not the other way around. I wondered vaguely if he was comforted. It looked more like enraptured.

I crossed my ankles behind his neck and grasped his shoulders and upper arms, always trying to bring him closer. Just when I felt him buried as far as he could go, he was, and Angeal bowed his head to kiss me, panting into me as I panted out. We were locked together, inseparable literally now, and the fullness of it was so good, but I rocked against him instinctively. I didn't want him out of me, but in and in and in again, I needed him to -

"Move," I moaned. "Please - "

"Tell me how you feel, Puppy," he murmured, and one hand went to my chest and thumbed the nubs in turn. They were more sensitive than usual, and I shivered.

"Ohhhh..."

"That's not much of a report," he teased, in a voice heavy and breathy.

"Full...good..."

Angeal's face disappeared from my blurry sight, giving way to the top of his head. His lips and tongue displaced the circling thumb and sucked gently, fanning the fire inside me into an inferno. The heat reminded me of Gongagan Fever, and the night he told me I was his and held me against his racing heart in fear. It was a promise finally fulfilled, because I knew I'd share this with no one else.

"Angeal Angeal..."

His face returned, his eyes with dilated pupils and a film of controlled lust locked on mine, and his hips drew back. I can't really describe it with the mechanics of in and out, though technically that's what it was. I know he went slowly, despite my impatience, and I guess he had to. I know I cried again and moaned and that the rhythm we moved in together sped up a little, gaining momentum as we did.

Colors and sounds, matter and thought, were swirling into each other, like the green mixing with the brown in Angeal's eyes that he blinked away. The pleasure ebbed and spiked in intensity but never stopped, and he must have been able to measure it by my expression and groans, because he knew when it was time to reach between us. I was so hard that it didn't feel like flesh or a part of me, but it knew Angeal's hand and came just before he did. The spasming of my muscles as I overflowed must have broken all his restraint at last. His cry was as loud as mine (the whole 1st Class might have heard us), his face went slack, and the heat I noticed earlier took form and soaked my insides. Maybe all the way up to my heart.

I was boneless and probably grinning like a moron, but Angeal only gave himself a moment to recover. He pulled out very gently (I hardly felt it), and it looked like he was going to check me for injury. Like hell. With all the strength I had left, I caught him by surprise, grabbing the arm he was using as a support. With an "oof" he fell onto me, close enough for my lips to capture his. He kissed me back, tiredly and tenderly, while turning us to lay on our sides, facing each other. When we let our mouths come apart, I thought I'd never seen him so relaxed.

I didn't want him to ask a stupid question, like was I okay. So I smiled, trying to keep my eyes open. He smiled back, just in time to keep a flash of worry from taking over his expression. Angeal tucked my head under his chin and whispered something about sleep. I snuggled exhaustedly into his warmth and let my eyes close.

So began my months of happiness with Angeal. I can't tell you what date we got together or exactly how long we had, because we didn't break our life as a couple up into anniversaries and weeks and days. The milestone was our coming together, and any others would have been only poor shadows compared to that. As far as I was concerned, Angeal and I had been born together and chased each other like the moon hunts the sun through the sky, until ShinRa and SOLDIER and fate and Genesis brought us to the same point on the planet at the same time. Born together, born in the moment he entered Instructor Finn's office and gave me that first smile, and - like the heroes of Loveless obsessing Genesis - fated to die separately.

**To be continued.**


	22. The Darkness Will Rise

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 22 - The Darkness Will Rise**

 

Angeal was already up when his alarm went off the next morning. I swatted the clock haphazardly until it shut up, and sat up carefully, mindful of the soreness in my lower body. I smiled. It hadn't been a dream. Angeal and I had really...I was no longer a...Malakh would have one less thing to tease me about. I couldn't complete any thought deeper than that.

My full SOLDIER uniform was folded neatly at the foot of the bed. I showered in Angeal's bathroom and got dressed, hoping he would get back soon from wherever he was. I was about to step out into the living room to see if he'd left a note, but when I got to the door I heard voices through it, first Sephiroth's, then Angeal's.

"Nothing is going to happen to you, Angeal. We would have seen some sign of it by now."

"Just promise me, please. If anything should ever happen to me - "

"Of course I'll look after him," Sephiroth said softly. "I promise."

"Thank you, Seph."

I didn't like the sound of this, but it seemed like a conversation not meant for my ears. I took a few steps back, waited a moment, then bounced through the door, oblivious and cheerful.

"Oh, Angeeeal...there you are! Good morning, General."

Sephiroth nodded to me. "Junior Lieutenant."

"Zack."

"Fair," he compromised.

I snickered. "No need to use my full name. Just 'Zack' is fine."

Sephiroth blinked. Angeal smiled and shook his head.

"Ignore him. Zack, General Sephiroth was just telling me he's been getting excellent reports on your progress."

I beamed. In case you're wondering, no, these reports were not only from Angeal. Understandably there was a concern about bias, so Commander Diehl and other 1sts dropped in on my training sessions and would sometimes spar with me themselves to gauge my skill. They need not have worried, though. Angeal was gentle with me in most things, but he fought with me and evaluated me as fairly and strictly as he would any 3rd Class.

"Commander Diehl reports that you are ranked first of all those under his charge," Sephiroth said. "You may be Commander Hewley's sooner than expected."

"Aren't I already?"

Angeal laughed softly. "He means 2nd Class."

"Oh...don't I need mission experience for that?"

"You'll have that, Puppy."

"I thought you didn't want me too separated from my class."

"Delaying promotion too long will only hold you back from reaching your full potential," Sephiroth said patiently. "There is litte use pretending you don't stand out when you obviously do."

I guess you would know, I thought. I looked at Angeal, whose mind seemed to be following the same path.

"When we were made SOLDIERs," he said, gesturing to himself and the general, "Sephiroth was put into 1st Class and we others into 2nd." He very conspicuously avoided Genesis's name. "There must always be someone above so those below have something to strive for. You will only be setting a good example for the other 3rds."

I looked at Sephiroth, who was listening passively to this. "What about you, sir? You didn't have any SOLDIERs to set an example for you."

"I am different."

He said this flatly, without pride, like something he'd heard so many times that he accepted it without thought. He returned my gaze calmly, but there was a hint of challenge to it, a wait for me to dare question further. I didn't, and Sephiroth nodded to us both and left the apartment.

His visit made me recall something I'd tried to forget. "Angeal. Are you sure you and the general were never..."

"I would know, Zack, and I would tell you. We've never been more than what we are."

"You didn't tell me about..." I shuffled my feet awkwardly. "But I guess I would've felt inadequate. I mean, it's Sephiroth."

Angeal slipped his arm around my shoulders and tugged me closer. "You are anything but inadequate. And Sephiroth is Sephiroth. My friend, no more."

"Would it be disrespectful if I asked what it was like?"

"It was intense, very pleasant, and nothing compared to last night," Angeal said. "If you're satisfied, Pup, go get your sword. We'll stop at the dining hall on our way to the gym."

I was, and I did.

__

zfzfzfz

I wish there were time to go over the next few months, though one day fades into another and it all seems like a dream now. Cloud and I can't stay here much longer, and soon we've got to attempt the last stage of our journey to Midgar. There's someone there who will hide us and might even be able to help him. Mako is a manifestation of the life that circles the planet, after all, and she's - but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Over the following months, life went on in such a way that I hoped it would never end. Angeal began taking me on patrols in Midgar, finally ending my time of being sheltered and confined to the safety of the Compound, and on minor missions as well. His reports of me, and the other commanders', continued to be excellent. I had a knack for charming information out of civilians that other, more intimidating SOLDIERs didn't have, and when it was necessary to fight I used everything Angeal had taught me, never holding back, and my opponents fell before me like playing cards, even the ones who tried to take me on thinking my age and bounciness made me an easy target. I tried to curb my impulse to rush gleefully into every fray, though Reno's prophecy and Angeal's protective presence kept me safe.

One of the more exciting missions involved interrupting an assault on the Midgar mako reactor by a small environmental activist group, rivals of the better-organized AVALANCHE. I was supposed to stay close to Angeal and observe more than anything else, but I caught sight of one escaping through a side hallway and went after him without thinking. I got him easily, but Angeal was furious and told me he would not let any SOLDIER into 2nd Class who doesn't follow orders. I was hurt that he yelled like that in front of other SOLDIERs and didn't say anything until we were on our way back to the Compound.

I sat next to Angeal in the truck, and when I nudged closer he put his arm around me, but his face was stony. "Sir," I said, "why shouldn't I go after a target alone if I know I can take him?" "Because Angeal didn't know, you insubordinate puppy," Lt. Gowry snapped. "And it kills him when you do that." That about killed me. Angeal softened up a bit and didn't reprimand me further, probably because my eyes were full of tears as I apologized.

Malakh decided to stick with SOLDIER, joking that being a 1st Class someday was likely the only way he'd ever be directly under Sephiroth. Still, he continued to hone his sharpshooter skills, and Tseng sometimes requested him for Turk missions. Of couse Malakh wasn't allowed to tell me what he saw and did, but he was able to say hi to Reno for me and vice versa. Once he brought me the news that Reno had learned to pilot ShinRa helicopters and had done so on the previous mission. "Damn kid scared the shit out of me," Malakh laughed. "Kept closing his eyes while we were in the air. Weird thing is, we never came close to hitting anything. He even swerved around clouds."

As Malakh had once feared, he and I didn't get to see as much of each other as we had as cadets. But we stayed friends, and got to spend time together now and then on missions and Sundays. I lost most of my contact with the other 3rds when I became a full lieutenant and was released from classes, but Angeal sometimes pried me off of him for a few hours on free days and, with a smile, ordered me to go pester my own age group for a while.

I was around the upper classes more often; fortunately, they all seemed to like me. I had gotten to know many of the 1sts during my second cadet year, and the 2nds, too, loved Angeal and so accepted me as sort of a little brother. I saw plenty of Sephiroth too, though I had expected more, since Genesis was gone. Well, we all deal in our own ways. He and I became friends then if we hadn't been before, and now and then I saw traces of that sense of humor Moray had mentioned.

I once accidentally called him by his given name, having grown so used to hearing Angeal use it. I quickly corrected myself: "I mean, General."

"Sephiroth," he finished with a faint smile. "No need for my full name in private, Zack." (Yes, he called me Zack now.) "Just Sephiroth is fine."

"Guess I really am an extension of you, huh?" I asked Angeal later. He laughed and said no, he thought I was just impossible not to like all on my own.

Let's see, what else? The SOLDIER disappearances stopped, thank Gaia, though we didn't find the ones who had gone missing. The mako regimen continued for us all. Once a week, I reported to the lab, where one of the staff injected me, took my vitals and sent me off, sometimes complimenting me on what the treatment was doing for my eyes. I sometimes felt dizzy afterwards, at first, but it got better over time. Angeal continued to report to Hollander every Thursday night, and continued to insist I keep away from him till the next morning. No big shock I hated Thursdays, huh?

I mentioned Lt. Moray before. Sephiroth had retrieved his pendant from Genesis's body, and I was permitted to send it to his parents myself, with a letter telling them what a good and well-liked man I had been fortunate to know in their son. Moray's mother returned my gesture with a lovely thank-you note, and the necklace with it, saying it belonged with a SOLDIER and that she wanted me, as Colin's friend, to keep it. I began to wear it on my belt, and it's still there now. I touch it every now and then to remember the innocent I used to be.

I couldn't bring myself to write to Kono's parents, or to Kore, the younger sister he had spoken of with great affection. Genesis had killed Kono as he'd killed Moray, but they both might have been left alone if not for me. I couldn't think or talk of Kono without thinking of how long he must have suffered, kept alive as long as Genesis wanted and then discarded. At least Moray's end was swift.

In so many words, life went on. I hope you (whoever you are) forgive the hurried way I bring you to the events that follow. I want this story out there and told, to anyone. We have to press on. There was so much sighing ahead for me. The kind that comes from the place where you were once able to feel your heart.

__

zfzfzfz

ShinRa's VR training rooms were amazing. State-of-the-art technology could, with the pressing of a few buttons, turn a large, empty room convincingly into a nighttime scene of Midgar, the city's dark and vivid underside beneath the Plate. I still have no clue how the holographic thingy worked, just that it looked completely real. And if you had a VR Visor over your eyes, as I did, the enemies fought you, and they were realistic too.

It was Angeal's fault, really, leaving me alone with my restless and heroic nature. I had been in here tons of times, and he had never specifically forbidden me to take on the Sephiroth hologram, though it was rare even for 2nds to dare it. The most it ever did to its victims was inflict an injury (and automatically alert the med lab), but when I lay disarmed on the floor with Masamune glinting over me, it was hard to be reassured by that. I closed my eyes, braced for pain - 

And it never came, only the sharp ring of steel on steel. I opened my eyes and there was Angeal, holding off Masamune with the Buster Sword and giving me his most exasperated glare. As expected of Angeal. The Sephiroth hologram stepped back, and Angeal linked into the VR mainframe with his phone to shut the program off. I gave him my most innocent and sheepish smile as he pulled me to my feet and lifted the Visor off my head.

"I just can't leave you alone, can I?"

"I almost had him."

"Zack, I have duties unrelated to you, however vexing that fact often is to us both. I cannot neglect them just to keep you from filling our time apart with challenges you're not ready for."

"I'm sorry. I just miss you when you're busy. And I want to become a better fighter so you won't worry about me so much."

Angeal's expression softened. He came closer to tilt my chin back up and brush the hair out of my eyes. Eager puppy that I was, I dove straight for his lips, and he allowed a long kiss before drawing back.

"I will always worry about you. And it may interest you to know that we're going on an important mission in a few days."

"Ooh, really? Where, where?"

"You'll find out soon."

"Angeeeeal!"

"I have some more things to do," Angeal said with a soft laugh. "Stay out of trouble until tomorrow and maybe I'll tell you. Go spend some time with Highcliff, perhaps."

"I thought you wanted me to stay out of trouble. Can't I come with you?"

"No. I'm seeing Dr. Hollander early this week, because our mission will likely interfere with my usual appointment time."

I'm sure my face fell. "So I don't get you at all tonight?"

"I'll make it up to you. All right, Pup?" I nodded, and he headed for the exit.

"You still love me, right?" I called playfully.

He paused in the open doorway, like a silhouette in the outside light that flooded in. Angeal looked strangely far away in that moment, as though there were more separating us than half a room of floor. He turned back, though not enough for me to see his face.

"I think no one and nothing could resist loving you," he said gently, and he was gone.

__

zfzfzfz

I decided to stop by the 3rd Class junior lieutenants' Strength Training, and was greeted with cheer by Instructor Andrews and by the rest with a mixture of excitement and soft grumbling. Chase looked up from spotting Kunsei and eagerly asked me what I'd been up to, what was it like being with Commander Hewley, had I seen Sephiroth lately - 

"Hey!" Kunsei complained. "Pay attention! Good to see you, Zack, but please don't distract him long."

I laughed. "Not too much, it's amazing, and not since last week, in that order. Did you ever find that blonde from the arcade again?"

"Nah," Chase said sadly. "Stern and I put up fliers and everything."

"Saying what, that Malakh is just a jerk and you're not gay?"

"In big, bold letters."

"Good luck with that."

"Zack!" Malakh called from the free weights, where he was slacking off as usual. "Get your delectable ass over here!"

"I bet Commander Hewley enjoys it," Briggs snickered as I passed him. "Didn't I tell you he only wanted you for that, Fair?"

"How ya doin' with that uncontrollable jealousy, Briggs?" I said cheerfully, then ignored him as I reached Malakh.

"Zack, you came on a good day. Hart's gone and broken my...well, my heart. At least the situation isn't entirely devoid of humor."

"You and Jason broke up? I didn't hear."

"Well, it's more like he's applying for a transfer to Mideel as soon as he makes full lieutenant." At the time, about half my class (Malakh included) were about to be promoted. "And he doesn't even have the decency to be torn up about it. I mean, what's more important, his home and family or me?"

"You seem to be taking it okay yourself," I said, because his pouting seemed playful, not genuine.

"We weren't serious. I'm not gonna miss him as much as the regular sex. Not that anyone will ever replace you in my fantasies, Zacky."

"If you're looking for a rebound, I'm not it," I laughed. "My nights are otherwise occupied."

"Can I watch?"

"What?! No!"

"Can you tell me about it in excruciating detail?"

"You wouldn't believe me," I said smugly.

Malakh groaned. "All the hotties are always taken. And Chase has completely abandoned me for what's-her-name. No one will ever love me enough to put up fliers."

"Someone will love you. Don't be silly."

"Will you? For, let's say, an hour?"

"Shut up," I laughed.

"Just let me ask one question."

"You can ask, but I'm not promising to answer."

Malakh leaned closer, and - thank Gaia - spoke softly so no one but me heard. "You guys ever try anything kinky? Leashes, furry ears, that sort of thing?"

I turned red, if the heat I felt in my face was any indication. Yes, the nickname was well-known. In public, Angeal said it rarely and always softly, but he made no secret of it. 1sts and 2nds used it to tease me, meaning no harm, and it wasn't long before my fellow 3rds were doing the same. Most of them meant no harm either when they repeated it or asked me, grinning, if Angeal really called me "Puppy", though Briggs and Saeni found a more derisive humor in it, of course.

"Oh Gaia, you totally have! That's so hot! You're blushing, don't deny it."

"I'm blushing because I'm shocked by how perverted you can be," I shot back. "We haven't, not that it's any of your business."

"I was right about him being a demon in the sack, though, right?"

I smiled. "More like an angel."

"Gah, now you've really depressed me," Malakh groaned. "I hope you're not busy, 'cause you're not leaving my side till I cheer up."

I rolled my eyes, but I was free, so the timing was good. I began doing my characteristic squats and said, "You know, if you would actually do some working out, the released endorphins would make you feel better."

"Or I could lay down on the floor beneath you with my mouth open."

"If I find you a new boyfriend, will you stop hitting on me?"

"Maybe for ten minutes."

We spent the rest of Strength Training going through the list of gay and bi guys in 2nd and 3rd Class, with Malakh dismissing each for ridiculous reasons, most of which I suspect he made up. Malakh seemed to have the misfortune of liking guys he couldn't have, and I sympathized, because I had been in that position myself, or thought I had been, at least. Our discussion continued over dinner in the main cafeteria in the Middle Building. Malakh also filled me in on Chase's search. The day we'd gone into Midgar for my birthday, you might remember, Chase started hitting it off with a pretty blond girl. He hadn't gotten her name before Malakh scared her off with his jealous-boyfriend performance, and ever since, he'd been trying to find her.

"Sad, isn't it?"

I shrugged. "It's romantic."

"Gah. You're really in love, huh?"

"Sorry, Malakh."

"Just don't do it again."

"Promise."

There's a room on the top floor of the Old Building, above the 3rd Class quarters, that most people call the Observation Room because it's lined all around with windows and has a great view of the whole Compound. It takes up most of the floor and is full of chairs, couches, that sort of thing, a place for 3rd Classes to relax and unwind. I had never been up there before because the Old Building had been off limits for me until Genesis's death, so when Malakh suggested we go up there after dinner, I agreed.

It was rarely crowded, and that night it was completely empty except for us. Malakh and I sat down on either side of a window-seat and looked out at the darkening sky and the faint stars. It was a clear spring night, the kind that forebodes nothing, not even bad dreams. Malakh was unusually quiet, for a long time.

"So where's Commander Dreamy?" he said at last.

"The lab," I answered, figuring it was okay to tell.

"Is it true that his mako treatments are different? And Sephiroth's?"

I shrugged.

"Oh, right," Malakh said with a smirk. "1st Class secrets. You can't tell."

"You probably know some Turk stuff you can't repeat."

"Nah. They're all really good at not giving anything away. Good thing I didn't join, I hate keeping secrets. Like, the SOLDIERs that went missing a few days ago? I wonder what ShinRa's not telling us about that."

"What?" I said, my muscles tensing. "More disappeared? But that stopped!"

"So there were others. See, exactly my point. Secrets."

"A few days ago, you said? Where? Do you know who?" I asked anxiously.

"Two 2nd Classes posted to Wutai, they haven't checked in for a week. Everyone's wondering if it might be a rebel faction looking for another fight against ShinRa," Malakh said, leaning against the window. "Just when it seemed like things were calming down over there, too."

"Gaia," I whispered. With Genesis gone, who or what could be doing this?

"Don't worry, Zacky, you've got a towering hunk of hotness to protect you. Worry about me," Malakh pouted, "all alone with no one to mourn me if I vanish."

"Don't say that. I would."

Malakh smiled wistfully. "You're a good friend. You'll always be the one that got away, Fair."

"As fast as I could run," I joked, and laughed as he grabbed me in a hug. "You'll have what I have someday, just wait and see."

"Yeah. I should ask Reno if he's legal yet."

"Tseng and Rude would have your head," I warned him.

"I wouldn't mind if they gave me head."

I was about to pull back when a shadow fell over us. I hadn't expected to see Angeal until the next day, so his presence surprised me, but more than that, something about him seemed...off. His neutral expression wasn't thoughtful, as it usually was, more like blank. His eyes reflected the dark light of the windows, so I couldn't see yet if they looked different, but Angeal didn't look like himself. What really alarmed me, though, was the way he looked at Malakh. I doubted it was obvious to anyone who didn't know him well, but Angeal was suppressing anger.

Malakh nearly jumped away from me. "Hello, Commander! My hands never went below the waist, I swear."

Normally Angeal shook his head or smiled slightly at such comments, but now he said "Good." His voice was flat and chilly.

"Is everything okay, sir?" I asked cautiously. "I thought you were seeing Dr. Hollander."

"I did." He extended a hand to me. "Come."

I saw Malakh smirk out of the corner of my eye. He couldn't know that something seemed to be wrong with Angeal and must have assumed that such behavior was normal. I put out my hand to Angeal's, but he grasped my wrist instead, firmly but not painfully, and hauled me to my feet, firmly again.

"See you, Malakh," I managed as I was led out of the Observation Room, and he snickered in response.

"Angeal, is something wrong?" I asked. He didn't answer, didn't even look at me as we headed to the White Building.

I was getting very nervous. Not for myself, but I could see now that Angeal's eyes were flickering back and forth between green and brown, like he was fighting something inside himself, and the green seemed to be winning. We reached the apartment, and no sooner had the door shut behind us than Angeal whipped around and grabbed me by the upper arms. His eyes burned into me like flames the color of Bio.

"Angeal, what's - "

"Mine," he whispered. "You're mine."

This was possibly not good. "You know I am. Malakh and I were only - "

"Touching," Angeal said, hissing through clenched teeth. "No one may touch you but me."

"Angeal, what's wrong? Tell me, let me help."

He smiled - or rather, the green and whatever it indicated made him smile in a way I'd never seen before. "You want to help, Puppy?"

In an instant, I was off my feet, being carried, being dropped onto the bed, being hastily stripped. There was no violence in the way he handled me, and if not for the green and the odd expression, I would have figured Angeal was just being playful. I admit, I was getting aroused anyway.

"Is this you losing control?" I said lightly. "Is this why you won't come near me after treatments? 'Cause I gotta say, I don't think I mind..."

He got the lubricant from a bedside drawer, tossed it onto the blankets beside me and crawled on top of me, still fully clothed. His hands and lips were as gentle and warm on my skin as they had always been. I tried to bring his mouth to mine, but his face stopped a few inches above and looked down at me with confusion.

"Puppy," he said in a soft, strained voice. "No."

"It's okay," I insisted, "I want you to." I reached between his legs for the zipper and felt it - he was hard too.

Angeal squeezed his eyes shut, shook his head. "Don't say that."

"It won't kill you to let go a little, I won't break. I want you to, I need you to - "

His eyes flew open, green swirls over taking brown again. He took me in his hand, not stroking, just circling the head with his thumb in a way that always drove me crazy. I panted, my muscles quivered and contracted to protest the emptiness. I needed him inside.

"Please please - "

"Puppy. Bad little puppy wants to be fucked? Do you need it, Pup? Do you need this?" He fitted his erection against me, rubbing in the right place but not putting it in. "Should I give it to the bad puppy?"

I couldn't form any sound but urgent whimpers, and anyway the pounding of my heart drowned out everything else. My head lolled to one side and Angeal tilted it further. His fingers gently traced the vein in my neck, and I looked to see a war raging in his eyes, brown fighting off the green. It must have been awful for him, and I only made it worse. The brown was winning, but the fingertips continued their feather-light massage and their message was clear to me - This is what I want of you.

"Zack," Angeal said in a strangled, hurt voice.

I wanted to help him and I thought I was, I swear, childish, overly-aroused moron that I was. I threw my head back and pulled him down to me, saying "Just once, do it, just once, it's okay..." I said the words like they had been suggested to me somehow. Who knows, maybe Angeal's eyes had affected me like Genesis's had, with neither of us realizing.

His mouth opened against my neck and his teeth broke my skin, and this was as good as the penetration I'd been expecting, pouring an intense pleasure into me so fast it felt like I was flying out of my own body. Angeal wasn't drawing the blood out of me, sucking it as Genesis had; he was letting it pool out slowly from the wounds and lapping it up with his tongue. I realized all this afterward, though, because at the time my mind was flooding with Angeal's memories as it once had with Genesis's.

A hidden place in the rafters over the cadets' gym, a Weapons Training class. I see myself through Angeal's eyes, fifteen, getting used to my sword still but already pulling ahead of my class, already showing promise. Angeal's gaze shifts to Sephiroth, who says "Will you tell him?"

"He's a child, Seph."

"He will not always be." The general smiles. "Isn't this a good thing?"

"Maybe, when he's older...I'll let him decide."

Years earlier, an unfamiliar bedroom and a teenaged Sephiroth sitting on the bed, hugging his knees to his chest and wearing a blank expression over his sad eyes. "It happens much less frequently now," he says, speaking tentatively because he doesn't quite understand why Angeal was...Gaia, Angeal was crying. I could feel it.

"Seph, he's not supposed to do that, no one is!" Angeal says angrily. "I'll kill him!"

"You can't. If you tried, he'd keep us apart. It will stop soon. He's growing more and more afraid of me, and the drugs don't work as well."

"But we should tell someone!"

Calm, perplexed silver eyes observe Angeal. "Like who?"

"You knew!" Angeal was roaring, at a Genesis who must have been around my age, maybe a bit older. "You knew what he was doing to Seph, you saw, and you never said anything, you never told me! If I hadn't let you drink I never would've found out! How could you keep this a secret?!"

Genesis's confusion fades into a sullen pout. "Keep what a secret? That Sephiroth gets attention we don't? I've never seen you bothered by that, Angeal."

I broke free of the memories and cried out, and Angeal was moving off of me in horror, eyes back to brown and wide. He seemed like he wanted to run, but I reached for him and whimpered, and he gathered me into his arms. He pressed me to his chest and rocked me gently, whispering "I'm so sorry, Zack, I'm so sorry."

"I wanted you to," I said, blinking to try to separate the past from the present. "Are you okay?"

He laughed bitterly, it sounded like a sob. "Hollander tried a new...mako solution today, as a test. I won't allow it again, not after this..."

"It's okay, I'm okay as long as you are."

"It shouldn't have happened," Angeal whispered, "this can't happen. Whatever it takes..."

"So you go back to the old stuff and it's fine, right? You'll be fine?" He nodded slowly, then laid me down on the pillows and settled next to me, holding me close. The way he moved suggested he was as tired as I was becoming, but what I'd seen... "Angeal?"

"Yes, Pup?" he murmured, resting his head on mine.

He'd been through enough for one day. "Never mind. I'll tell you tomorrow."

"Are you all right?"

I nodded, pushing my hand beneath his uniform shirt to stroke his warm skin. "Uh-huh. I love you."

"I love you, Zack," Angeal whispered. "Sleep."

I didn't say any more, though I lay awake for a long time, fearful of what Angeal might be thinking but reassured by the fingers running through my hair and the open palm rubbing up and down my back. Maybe I didn't want to leave Angeal alone with his thoughts, and the only way I could think to show him everything was fine was to snuggle against him and pretend to drop off peacefully. I don't know if Angeal slept at all that night. I don't remember his soothing touches ever stopping. 

**To be continued.**


	23. The Cause of Your Grief

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 23 - The Cause of Your Grief**

 

It was dark still when I awoke the next morning, early, warm and aroused by Angeal's body pressed close to mine. I looked up into his brown eyes and smiled, and he returned the expression and kissed me. I rolled over onto my back and he moved on top of me, pushing the blankets aside to run his hands up and down my nude body. The way I clung to Angeal and kissed him feverishly must have reassured him about the previous night. He found the lubricant on the bed where it had been left and in no time, his fingers were teasing me open, transforming the post-sleep drowsiness I felt into dizzy pleasure.

I didn't need to beg, neither of us could wait. As soon as he had us both sufficiently slick, Angeal was inside, thrusting slowly and drawing groans of satisfaction out of both of us. He rested his forehead lightly against mine and kissed all over my face. Our stomachs came rhythmically together like the pressure of a hand fisting me, and as always it was my orgasm that signaled his, my writhing and spasming that broke his pattern of thrusts and made him spill his seed into me. Better by far than the pleasure of him drinking from me - the memories that his feeding showed me had made me feel like we weren't alone, and though I didn't quite understand what I had seen, I felt anxious about it.

After Angeal withdrew, he sat up and pulled me into his arms, holding me in an embrace on his lap. I caught my breath resting on his shoulder and running my hands over his bare back (he'd discarded his clothes sometime in the night).

"We're okay, aren't we?" I asked.

"I hope so."

"Angeal...did you mean to show me those things?"

"No," he said heavily. "In fact, they were memories I wanted kept from you."

"You were watching me for a long time, weren't you? And that's why Genesis started to."

"Yes. You were only fifteen, it was hardly appropriate."

Did he want me to pretend I'd seen no more than that? "I saw Sephiroth too."

"I know," Angeal whispered. "From years ago."

"Was someone hurting him? Is that why he's so sad?"

"Yes."

"It sounded like..." I felt queasy. I thought I knew already, but it seemed inconceivable that that could be done to Sephiroth...though he had been a child once, I'd seen that myself. "Who was it?"

"Zack, I will tell you, because I don't see how I can do otherwise after what you've seen. But it is imperative that this go no further. Sephiroth must have no reason to think you know. However you feel, you cannot alter your behavior toward him or anyone else. For his sake, do you understand?"

"I promise. Was it - "

"Hojo."

"And...he..."

"Molested Sephiroth. Yes."

There it was. Under the increased sickness I felt, I realized at last why Angeal hated Hojo so passionately, what Sephiroth had been unable to control, why Angeal never touched him without giving him time to signal that he didn't want it. This was surely the thing Genesis had never understood, and the reason Sephiroth hated the labs.

"Oh, Gaia, Angeal..."

"I know, Pup," he murmured into my hair.

"Why doesn't Sephiroth kill him?" I asked angrily. My eyes were filling.

"Because Hojo is a ShinRa asset too. They would punish Sephiroth indirectly, through his SOLDIERs. Believe me, I would love to make the bastard suffer too."

"It's Sephiroth," I whispered. "He's supposed to be..."

"Untouchable," Angeal finished. "And so he is, thanks to Hojo. As though being unlike everyone else wasn't enough. What Hojo did has made him more alone than his skill or reputation ever could. I'm afraid Seph might never have what I have with you."

"It doesn't...still happen, does it?"

"No. By the time Sephiroth was sixteen, Hojo had grown afraid of him, though he'll always have some power over him, I think. Also, the drugs Hojo used to keep him still stopped having an effect."

"Selatacyn," I realized. "That's why you were so upset that Genesis used it on me."

"Yes."

"And Genesis didn't know it was wrong? How could he not know?"

"His mother, I think," Angeal said softly. "Genesis saw her love his father, so much so that his abuse of her didn't seem to be abuse at all. Just..."

"Attention."

"Yes."

Angeal must have felt my tears on his skin. He lay down again and pulled me next to him, running his thumbs under my eyes in the same gentle way he always had. His eyes were a little wet too, the closest I had ever seen him get to crying. Though I'd felt it, in the memory...

"Sephiroth is all right, Pup," he said, though he didn't sound certain.

"Who knows about this?"

"You. Me. Hojo, Genesis. Sephiroth. Sometimes I think Lefler suspects."

"What about Hollander?"

"I don't think so. I hope not." I hid my face against Angeal's chest and he ran his fingers through my hair. "We've got about an hour. Sleep, Zack. I'll wake you."

"How did he survive that?" I whispered.

Angeal didn't answer, but I remembered him assuring me of Sephiroth's strength, and our conversation about the things that strengthen us and weaken us, and the things in the middle that we absorb and figure out later. I thought too of Reno, damaged in a similar way, and what Tseng had said. Survival is almost always a matter of choice. Almost.

__

zfzfz

That morning, I got the impression that I was not to talk about what I had learned - even to Angeal, if it could be avoided. His behavior was the same as every other day, though just before we left the apartment, he cupped my face in his hands and seemed to be examining my eyes.

"Too much rain lately, huh?" I joked weakly. "Are they red?"

"Blue like the winter sky I grew up with."

"Is that why you like them? They remind you of home?"

"Hmm," he smiled, stroking my cheek, "no, I think I'm fonder of Banora now because it reminds me of you."

Our first stop of that day was a place I'd never been before - the office of SOLDIER's executive director, Lazard. He was a tall, slender man with longish blond hair and kind hazel eyes that twinkled behind wire-rimmed glasses. He had the benevolent air of teacher or peacemaker about him, and I immediately felt comfortable with him. No wonder this guy was able to deal so patiently with SOLDIERs like Sephiroth and executives like the president and maintain the respect of both.

"Good morning, Commander. And this must be Lieutenant Fair, SOLDIER's rising star. It's good to finally meet you. I am Lazard, the executive director of the SOLDIER program."

I gave him a cheery smile and shook the hand he offered. "A pleasure to meet you, sir. Just call me Zack."

He nodded and gestured Angeal and I to a pair of seats. "I don't know how much Angeal has told you about this mission."

"Nothing," I said, directing a pout at Angeal.

"Four days ago, Lieutenants Hill and Carver were to contact headquarters from their post in Wutai with a report. They never did. Our inquiries give us a reason to believe they've gone missing. The company suspects enemy action, and we are concerned that this crime - if indeed it is one - may cause a flare-up between Wutai and ShinRa. Such things have led to war in the past."

I remembered, from my Tactics class, we had gone over the Wutai situation. ShinRa had faced opposition from Wutai almost since the company's inception. When it became clear that Wutai's leader, Lord Kunai, was hell-bent on war no matter how hopeless victory was, ShinRa cleverly cut a deal with Kunai's calmer, better-liked cousin Godo. ShinRa eliminated Kunai (work of the Turks, I suspected) and Godo was put in his place, with the understanding that he would agree to ShinRa's terms to spare his people death or virtual slavery.

That was seven years earlier, and everyone had been relieved. Wutai had suffered from SOLDIER onslaughts led by Sephiroth, and Godo was hailed as a peacemaker, the one who'd saved those who had survived. A force of 1st Classes oversaw Godo's ascension and preparations were made to withdraw some of the troops...and then it happened. Godo's beloved younger brother Goro was found dead in the antique room of the family home. No one could tell how he died or who might have done it. The only clue was the testimony of a servant who claimed that Goro had been spending a lot of time with one of the SOLDIERs, but she couldn't identify which one. Godo honored the peace agreement himself, but it was said he hated ShinRa from that day on, and he funded and quietly encouraged any form of resistance his people offered.

"Normally we would send Turks for a mission like this," Lazard was saying, "but Godo has his ninjas constantly on the lookout for Turks, no doubt fearing we will dispose of him as we did Kunai. All we want is to locate our missing SOLDIERs, not to cause any further tension."

The executive director chuckled softly. "Angeal, your reputation for restraint precedes you. That you'll have a young SOLDIER with you - your student, no less - will show them that you wish to pose no threat. The two of you will be our official presence on this mission. Back-up will follow, quietly, in case you should need it."

He handed Angeal a folder. "The particulars. Zack, be advised that this mission is currently classified. The information I'm giving you is restricted to 2nd Class and up."

"Uh, then should I even know about it?"

Lazard laughed. "Well, perhaps we're jumping the gun, but only a little."

"I've nominated you for 2nd," Angeal said stoically. "It only remains for Lazard and Sephiroth to approve."

"What?!" 2nd Class, Angeal's jurisdiction, entirely under Angeal's command. "I love you! You're the best!"

I flew at Angeal and flung my arms around him, while Lazard tried hard not to laugh. Angeal held me for only a few seconds before gently shovng me back. 

"Not in front of the executive director, Zack."

"Sorry, sir."

"That's quite all right," Lazard said with amusement. "I don't see many people brave enough to hug Commander Hewley."

I smiled. "Good."

__

zfzfz

The most direct route from Midgar to Wutai goes over water as well as mountains. So I was anxious but not at all surprised to learn that we would be getting there via helicopter, one of ShinRa's newer, high-tech models whose speed and fuel efficiency were unrivaled. I wasn't looking forward to the ride, but the faces that greeted us from the cockpit made me feel a bit better.

"Hey, Zack," Reno said cheerfully. "Commander."

I was happy to see that Reno was more comfortable around Angeal now. Tseng gave me a knowing smile and welcomed us; Angeal nodded to both of them.

"Rude and Cissnei will follow with your back-up," Tseng said. "And I want to assure you that Reno is an excellent pilot. He will be keeping his eyes open for the entire flight. Right, Reno?"

"Aw, it's not like I hit anything. Fine, fine, just don't glare."

Angeal and I belted ourselves in behind the cockpit, and we rose smoothly off the ground to the noise of rushing wind muffled by the beating propeller. He must have felt me tense, and put his arm around me. I put my head on his shoulder.

"Still don't like heights?"

"Uh-huh."

"Is there anything I can do?" Angeal murmured.

His closeness was already helping, but I couldn't resist. "Well..."

He rolled his eyes. "Not in front of Turks, Puppy."

"Don't they know everything that hapens anyway?"

Ahead of us, Tseng was telling Reno to leave the radio controls alone. A romantic instrumental came through the speakers, and I laughed into Angeal's shirt, relaxing a bit despite the clouds passing us by.

"Just trying to give the lovebirds a little ambiance."

"We need to keep the channel clear, Reno. This is a Level-2 classified mission. Make that face at me again and I'll put you back in the co-pilot seat."

"Rude lets me play the radio," Reno said, switching it off.

"And to think I partnered you with him because he's not soft on anyone."

Angeal's hands were massaging me, and I think I dozed off to the sound of Reno's teasing and Tseng's scolding. I woke to a faint lurch as we landed, and Angeal unbuckling us both. "See, you did fine," he said, helping me up and steadying me on my feet.

Our co-pilots exited the chopper with us. We were within sight of a village full of distinctive architecture, red-tiled roofs and doors flanked by statues. Tseng informed us that they would be within cell phone range, and we were to call when we were ready to leave. (I guessed this would be a short mission.) The missing SOLDIERs were last seen in the village dojo; Lazard would meet us there.

"Lazard is here?"

Angeal nodded. "Last-minute decision. He decided this would be a good opportunity to observe you."

"No pressure though, right?"

"Thank you, Commander."

Tseng nodded. "Let's go, Reno. Reno?"

The Junior Turk had a blank look on his face for a second, then he looked back and forth between me and Angeal, and his eyes went wide, his expression slack. I knew what this was, I had seen it before, and it sent a thrill of fear through me. Reno's green stare told me he was seeing something horrible. Before he could speak, Tseng sharply turned the boy to face him and held his shoulders firmly.

"Reno, remember, see it but don't say it. You must keep control."

Reno squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his lips together. Angeal, though he must have been baffled, was alarmed enough to pull me closer. Reno stood tensely, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet for a few seconds, making muffled whimpering noises. Then his shoulders slumped and he breathed heavily and with relief. Without hesitation, Tseng cautiously put his arms around Reno and embraced him.

"Good, you did very well." Tseng's eyes flashed up to catch Angeal's. "Classified, Commander."

"It will remain so, Commander."

I tried to catch Reno's eye as we went our separate ways, but he was clinging to Tseng, hiding his face in the Turk commander's suit. My gut told me that the vision must have been serious to make Reno act like the kid he was.

__

zfzfz

Wutai is not a city like Midgar. It's more like a small country, a confederation of many little villages, each governed by an elder who answers to one overlord. The village Angeal and I entered, Tambalin, was one of the largest, and home to Lord Godo, the leader of Wutai. I wondered if we would be meeting him. If so, I didn't expect a warm welcome, not if the angry and suspicious glances we got from the villagers were any indication.

On our way to the Tambalin dojo, Angeal got ahold of Lazard on the phone, who told us that Lord Godo had given us permission to investigate but had no information to offer himself. Lazard would wait for us at the dojo and continue to question everyone he happened upon, though no one had been able to offer any useful information.

"Something doesn't feel right about this, Zack," Angeal confessed to me as we walked by a group of children playing. "There's tension in the air, but not that of a brewing rebellion. I don't think the threat here comes from the people."

"Um, excuse me?"

We turned around. A girl - maybe ten or twelve - with black hair and serious eyes was looking at me. "Are you SOLDIERs?" she asked.

I smiled. "Yeah. We're not gonna bother anyone, don't worry. We're just looking for some friends of ours who went missing."

"The SOLDIERs who were stationed at the dojo? If you go there, be careful. Strange men have been seen there, wearing our army uniforms, but no one knows who they are. I shouldn't be talking to you, but if you're the Zack my brother told me about, it's okay."

"Your brother? Who - "

"Kore!" someone called sharply, and the little girl smiled guiltily and ran off. Kore, Kono's sister...

"Lazard may be in trouble," Angeal said. "Come on."

We approached the dojo from the south, concealing ourselves in the large-leafed bushes that faced the rear entrance. Angeal stared at the structure, his eyes shifting strangely, and I knew he was doing what was popularly called the zoom view. SOLDIERs with high levels of mako can use their eyes to look close-up at things far away for a few seconds at a time. My own level hadn't built up enough to do it, so I tried to be patient and wait for Angeal to finish. It wasn't easy.

"C'mon, let's bust in there!"

He gave me a long-suffering look. "I see two figures in what appear to be Wutai uniforms near the front entrance. I will circle around and go in that way. You'll go in here, from the back."

Trusted to be on my own at last, I was so excited! "And then? And then? And then?"

"We meet up in the center and look for Lazard. All right?"

"Yes, sir!"

"I'm trusting you to be careful, Zack. Please."

I made my voice as solemn as his. "Promise."

I waited until Angeal had gotten on his way and moved, swiftly and silently, through the cover of the leaves to the back entrance. The dojo was bigger than I had thought. The room I came into alone was about half the size of the cadet gym at headquarters. The floor was covered with thick mats and martial arts weapons hung on the otherwise plain walls. I listened; my mako-enhanced hearing picked up nothing, though that may have had to do with the room's floor-to-ceiling padding.

"Executive Director!" I called. "Are you here?"

Nothing, and no response from Angeal either. Had he met more than he could handle around the front? I headed that way as fast as I could. I was nearly halfway across the room when...something dropped in out of nowhere, a grotesque and vicious-looking species of giant, wielding a massive club and charging at me almost before I knew what was happening.

Fortunately, I drew the Junior Buster and my fighting reflexes kicked in. I had never faced a monster like this before, but the same principles applied. I ducked, swung, dodged, looked for weak points and aimed at them. Even I was surprised by how fast I was, how the mako and adrenaline were keeping me both alert and calm enough to make split-second decisions. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, but this one hardly made a sound as it slumped to the mats. Or maybe I didn't notice because it used its last bit of strength to send me flying into a pillar. My head slammed into it and I slid down, trying to keep my focus, but everything was blurry. To make matters worse, the thing was getting up again, ready to advance. Not good, I thought vaguely, and - 

A thick blade sliced the creature down the middle from behind, and it fell again, truly dead this time. The welcome sight of Angeal hurrying around the corpse and to me put a big smile on my face, which turned to a concerned frown when he wordlessly pulled me up and hugged me in a grip of iron. Was Angeal...shaking?

"Are you all right?" he whispered.

"Just hit my head, I'm fine. I almost had him, you know."

"I know, Pup, you did very well."

"I agree," a voice called from across the room. Lazard was approaching us. "I caught some of that fight. Very impressive."

"Thank you." I was giddy to realize that Angeal didn't care at the moment that he was holding me in front of the executive director. I lay my head against his chest and he stroked my hair, looking past me to speak to Lazard, or maybe both of us.

"I was ambushed out front by men in Wutai uniforms, unusually strong for ordinary army. Two escaped, but they were wounded, they won't get far."

"No sign of the missing 2nd Classes," Lazard said. "Angeal, what is it?"

"The unknown assailants fought like SOLDIERs," Angeal said quietly.

"You don't think - "

"Call our back-up, tell him we're heading to the woods northeast of the dojo. He can follow the tracking coordinates I gave him earlier."

"Of course. I'll, uh, give you two some privacy." Lazard's footsteps retreated until I could no longer hear them.

"I'm ready to go on," I said confidently. "I'm okay."

"Just give me one more minute."

In the silence of the dojo, lit with the last rays of the sinking sun, Angeal kissed me and reassured himself with his soothing hands that I was with him and unhurt. Little did I know that these were to be the last moments of peace Angeal and I would have together. If I could go back, I would hold him tighter, longer. And find a way to change everything that followed.

__

zfzfz

We headed outside and into the woods at an oddly slow pace. I wondered if Angeal was giving our back-up - whoever it was - time to catch up. The sun had set fast, but the sky was starry and the moon bright, and we navigated a path into the trees with our mako-filled eyes acting as blue and brown flashlights. "Stay close to me," Angeal whispered, and I was not tempted to disobey. Even in Gongaga I hadn't been brave enough to venture into the forest at night, and I had known the land there, and the creatures.

Angeal and I both sensed them before we saw them - two ahead, one behind. We rushed into the clearing just ahead to give ourselves more room, and stood back to back to fight. The uniformed man I faced wore a helmet over his face as they all did, but even with my limited field experience I sensed that this opponent was not Wutaian. His moves were precise, professional, emotionless. Like Angeal had said - the style of SOLDIER.

Foolishly, I let him in close and he locked his sword in the air against mine and grabbed my arm with his other hand. Options flashed through my mind - head-butt? No, not against a helmet. Try flipping him over? He was taller and heavier than me, with his right foot firmly planted. What was left? Distraction, surprise, the taking of every advantage. Thanking Gaia for SOLDIER-issue, steel-toed boots, I aimed the hardest kick I could at his left knee.

With a howl, he went down, and I wasted no time plunging the Junior Buster's blade into his chest. The first human I ever killed, but there was no time to feel the sorrow and revulsion I needed. I turned around to see that Angeal had killed one and was chasing the other. "Zack, stay there!" he called. I instinctively ran to the edge of the clearing and watched him go until he was out of sight completely. A minute passed before I remembered the body behind me, and with a feeling of nausea I wondered if I should do something or say something. I should take off the helmet and see his face, I owed him that acknowledgment. I turned around, and my jaw dropped.

The supposed Wutaian was near death, but not dead. While I had looked away, oblivious, he had removed something from somewhere in his uniform to his hand, and he held it out now, intending to make its use his last act. It was a small, glowing red orb, and an immense, fiery light began to pour out of it, and a large, dark figure stood at its center. Oh, shit. I had used Summon creatures before but never fought one, and I recognized this as one you do not want to mess with - Ifrit, the Hellfire demon.

I can do this, I told myself, and I think I shocked us both by leaping right at it and getting a good hit on its flame-blackened arm. Ifrit roared and swung at me with a blade wreathed in fire but I blocked it; a lower-quality sword than mine wouldn't have been able to. This was not a human opponent and therefore many of my tricks were worthless against it, so I leaped into the air, turned a flip over the Summon and landed behind it, getting in another blow before it could react.

Now I had made it really mad. Ifrit let out a blood-chilling bellow, gathered the flames around him closer and shot them out in my direction. I hit the ground, cursing, knowing I couldn't say down forever. I glanced up to see if the attack was coming to an end, and I saw something impossible. A tall, slender figure with a billowing coat and hair that shone in the firelight was standing in the flames, unhurt by them, not seeming to notice them at all. Faster than I could blink, my rescuer raised his long sword and seemed to float right through Ifrit, finishing it in that single assault. As the Summon disappeared and the flames faded around us, Sephiroth lowered Masamune and the hot wind that lifted his hair vanished and let it settle back down into place. I stood up unsteadily, amazed. Awesome, I thought.

He turned, came closer and looked at me critically; I nodded dumbly to tell him I was okay. Sephiroth turned his attention then to the fallen soldier and I followed him, staggering back as the helmet was torn off and the face was revealed.

"Genesis! How - "

Sephiroth shook his head, his eyes bright and burning, his mouth forming a tense frown. "A Genesis clone."

"Clone? A human clone? But how?"

"Hollander." The general nearly spat the word; it sounded like the way Angeal mentioned Hojo. My stomach seemed to flip over at the memory of...but there was no time. "These unknowns were our missing SOLDIERs, injected with Genesis's cells and made into clones with his appearance and characteristics."

"But...why would Hollander - "

"He disappeared just after we left headquarters, and most of his notes and equipment with him. For whatever reason, he is in league with Genesis."

I felt lost, childishly clinging to truths that were being disproven right in front of my eyes. "Genesis is dead...isn't he?"

Sephiroth looked right at me, and the pain that filled his eyes - just for a moment - hit my heart like a fist. "I saw him, Zack. Come. We return to the rendezvous point. The helicopters are waiting."

"Angeal isn't back yet, we can't leave without him," I said, surprised that the general could forget this simple fact.

"I will explain on the way back. We go now."

"What's going on?" I nearly shouted. "How could you want to leave Angeal, especially if Genesis is around? Don't you care about him? Well, I do, and I won't go!"

Sephiroth has probably killed for displays of disrespect less than mine. But he only stared at me, shocked at first, then sadly, then with a neutral mask. It didn't hide his hurt, only put it farther away.

"Zack," he said quietly, "I saw Angeal on the way here, walking off with Genesis. I would have followed, but his earlier request was that I locate and protect you. Neither answered when I called, but they were traveling together, willingly. Either Angeal has joined with Genesis, or else there is a reason for his actions we do not yet know. The one irrefutable fact is this - Angeal has gone with Genesis. We can do no more here, now."

I stared back at him in horror. He had to be wrong, Angeal would never...but Sephiroth did not mistake what he observed, or accuse his friends without evidence or certainty. Why would he break this to me gently unless it were true, however impossible it was? But Angeal joining the friend he'd hated and killed, leaving ShinRa and Sephiroth, leaving me...what reason in the world could explain that? I felt my eyes filling with hot, angry tears, a release that did nothing for the terrible pressure on my heart.

"He wouldn't," I choked out, "I can't..."

"We do not yet know Angeal's motives. But I think you know what he would want you to do now."

I nodded robotically. I did, but I couldn't move, couldn't budge from that spot as long as there was any chance of Angeal's footsteps hurrying back down the path and his loving voice assuring me it had all been a mistake. Sephiroth seemed to understand. Either knowing his orders could not unfreeze me or perhaps only trying to be kind, he took hold of my arm and began to pull me with him back to the helicopters. All my strength could not have broken the grip of that one hand, and yet it held me as gently and protectively as Angeal would have done.

**To be continued.**


	24. You'll Always Follow

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 24 - You'll Always Follow**

 

The following weeks seem like a dream now, nothing but foggy flashes. I spent a lot of that time calling Angeal's phone and getting no response or staring at my own, willing it to ring with him on the other end. I tried to put on a brave face, assured everyone who asked me that Angeal knew what he was doing and would be back soon with an explanation. This calm front of mine marks my clearest memories of then. It was my desperate response to the worry and pity of the 1sts and 2nds I had grown to know, who rallied around me in Angeal's absence.

Some days my mind was clear enough to do training, and I recall sparring with Lieutenants Averman, Halloran and a few others. I welcomed their company, because they agreed with me about Angeal, or at least pretended to. But they were easier on me than they needed to be, mindful of the hysteria I was keeping locked inside.

Sometimes it bubbled out and came to the surface. Malakh made it his mission to make sure I ate, though my appetite had disappeared completely. I allowed him to drag me to the cafeteria and there I would force down a few spoonfuls of something, while Malakh told anyone who tried to mention Angeal to me to fuck off. I don't know what he threatened Briggs with to keep him away, but it must have been good, because Briggs kept his distance. Or maybe he just knew I'd kill him if he dared.

After lunch one day, Malakh took my arm and began to tug me gently. "Let's go to the gym, do some fighting. You could use the endorphins, 'cause to be honest, baby, you look like a zombie."

We were just out of the Middle Building. Rather than head across the Main Courtyard to the Old Building, I turned right, heading directly back to the White Building. Malakh sighed but said nothing until we were on the elevator, heading to the 13th floor.

"Zack. You can't shut down like this. You're scaring the shit out of me."

I looked at him blankly, which can't have been reassuring.

"You know, maybe the commander already knew about Genesis and Dr. Hollander being in league, and he pretended to join them to take 'em down from the inside, you know? And he didn't tell you because it was dangerous, and he knows what a hero you are. He didn't want you getting hurt."

My insides were shaking. I had considered this, this and every other possible scenario. I could imagine a hundred explanations - it was the not knowing that hurt, and the absence of Angeal that was like the loss of an internal organ. (I'm sure you can guess which one.) I wasn't a hero, I was a kid lost in the dark while Angeal was off taking on Gaia knows what by himself. What happens to heroes who take on too much? Angeal, I thought, please don't be - 

"C'mon," Malakh was saying as he followed me off the elevator. "One spar. It'll be good for you."

I shook my head. Malakh wasn't a sword-fighter, so the only way we could spar was hand-to-hand, and I wasn't allowed to. Angeal didn't like Malakh's teasing and touching, that's why he was teaching me himself. It was the part of our training I had come to like best, because it always ended with his weight on top of me, his heat and hardness pressing into mine.

Malakh grabbed my shoulder. "Zack - "

I whirled around and knocked off his hand so fast that he staggered back. "I said no!" I screamed. "I'm not supposed to, he doesn't like me to, and when Angeal comes back he'll know I followed his orders, because he is coming back!"

My rage evaporated the instant the words were out. I wondered how Malakh was swaying on his feet without moving, then I thought the building might be rocking back and forth, then I realized it was me. Several doors opened down the hallway and 1st Classes emerged to look at me sadly, but I only saw them a moment. I sank down onto the carpet, pulled my knees against my chest and hid my face in my arms. Malakh was beside me immediately, hugging me and saying something softly to our observers.

"I'm sorry, baby," he murmured to me. "I still can't talk without saying something stupid."

I wanted to say something - "I'm sorry", "Let go of me", something - but the darkness of a shadow fell over us, and Malakh's arms went rigidly stiff.

"S-Sir - "

"Dismissed, Lieutenant. I would like to speak to Fair privately." Sephiroth's voice. No wonder Malakh obeyed right away, though he seemed reluctant to do so.

I couldn't sense Sephiroth by his movements. He seemed to always be moving with the air currents, never against them, even when there weren't any. But I heard the faint sound of him settling lightly down on the carpet beside me. I let out a short, hysterical laugh at the absurd thought of Sephiroth sitting on the floor, like a normal person might, not the god-like general. But I knew better than that, didn't I? It was the memory of Sephiroth sitting on his bed in the same way I was that made me lift my head.

He was directly beside me, I had never been this close to him. I suspect very few people had ever been and lived to tell about it. Even from a distance of a few feet, Sephiroth was like an exquisite statue brought to life and taught to move fluidly, to imitate human beings. As near as I was, the hard lines of his marble face seemed softer, the expression more thoughtful than heartless. His sad eyes were observing me intently, pools of silver like water reflecting starlight. I had never realized how much they glowed.

I tried to think what I should say. After a minute of silence, I managed to croak out "Hi, Sephiroth."

He lifted one of his black-gloved hands, hovered it uncertainly in my direction, and let it rest on my forearm, giving it a few awkward pats first. The little bit of my heart that wasn't already cracking flared with a furious pain. I hated Hojo, and Hollander, and every scientist who'd ever broken something open or harmed it to find out how it works.

"The 1sts and 2nds say you are not fighting properly," Sephiroth said at last. "They fear they will harm you if they do not hold back. This cannot go on."

"I'm sorry, sir. I just can't seem to care."

"And if you face a real enemy?"

I looked at him blankly. How could he expect me to care about anything with Angeal gone, maybe forever? Even my life? Sephroth scowled and sprang gracefully to his feet, yanking me roughly up with him. I opened my mouth to protest, but what could I have said? He dragged me to the 1st Class gym and threw me down onto the mats, unfazed by the looks of shock that greeted us.

"Out, all of you. Now." Sephiroth never had need to yell, his voice was commanding and intimidating on its own. Besides, the 1sts loved and trusted him unquestioningly. However bad they felt for me, they knew whatever the general was doing was for my own good.

"Get up and draw your sword, Fair." Masamune was in his hand so fast it might've teleported there. "I've seen you fight. You have a great talent for it and I will not allow you to let it slip away."

Awkwardly, I struggled to my feet. "Or what? You'll kill me?"

"Do you want me to? Do you have so little faith in Angeal?"

"Angeal is coming back," I whispered angrily.

"Then why are you mourning for him?" Masamune swooped down and - hand on heart - I don't know how, but I drew the Junior Buster and blocked it. "Perhaps he is not coming back. Perhaps he has truly betrayed us all."

I rushed him; he blocked it and me effortlessly. "No! He wouldn't do that, he's just - trying to handle things on his own!"

"Ah. And do you think we should allow him to do that?"

"No!" I swung like crazy, unconsciously correcting my sloppy form and even getting him on the defensive for a few seconds. "I want to help him, damn it!"

A few minutes passed before he said anything else. I hadn't fought anything like this for a week, and that's a long time to a SOLDIER who is in constant training. Sephiroth was pushing me the way Angeal pushed me, but forcing me to believe that if I didn't try with everything I had, I could die. Averman and Halloran and the others couldn't bring themselves to do this, because I was distracted, because I was grieving, because I was the thing their beloved commander cared about most. Now, the heaviness in my limbs evaporated, not out of relief but necessity, and the thrill of dueling properly made the weight on my heart a little easier to bear.

"And how will you falling apart help him, Zack?"

He gave me no time to react to this, but the pure sense of it reverberated in my skull as he chased me all over the gym, pushing my speed and skill to their absolute limits. It was nothing to him, he'd probably passed my level when he was twelve, but he began to smile slightly when we came face to face. Not mocking, not a smirk, a genuine sign of approval. As he had done last time, he didn't stop until I was slumped on the floor and pouting. I expected him to offer a hand up, but instead he kneeled down next to me so our eyes were about level. All the anger had left his expression, and what it showed now was a mixture of determination, pride and...I don't know how to best describe the other emotion. Not exactly kindness or sympathy. It was more like he was calmly assuring me that he would go to hell and back to lift this pain from me.

I wondered, in that moment, how I ever could have thought him inhuman. What he was doing for me can't be taught, you're either born with that gift or you're not. I would have faced ten Ifrits for him that day, and every day after.

"I understand why people follow you."

Sephiroth only blinked at that, seeming to realize I hadn't meant to say it out loud and letting it pass without comment to save me embarrassment. "Angeal is a SOLDIER. It will take SOLDIERs to get him back. I know he loves you, even when you are childish and disobedient, but I will only allow you to help if you agree to become what you are clearly meant to be. I need you strong. Angeal needs you strong."

I took a deep breath and faced him with determination of my own. "Yes, sir. And...thank you."

He nodded. Now he stood and pulled me to my feet. "Rest, Zack. Report to the executive director's office at oh-nine-hundred tomorrow. And Zack? We will do this again at a later date. I believe you forgot something."

"I did? What?"

"To kick me."

I smiled for the first time since Angeal disappeared.

__

zfzfz

I felt a little bit lighter the next morning, meaning I didn't have to drag myself out of bed by my fingertips. Angeal told me once that when you're grieving, sometimes the best thing to do is to keep moving. Sephiroth was right, I shouldn't grieve for someone who was still alive, but I walked to Lazard's office with a restless stride, like I was trying to outrun the fact that Angeal wasn't beside me.

Too restless, maybe. As I turned the last corner, I nearly ran smack into a young man about my height with windblown blond hair and bangs that he pushed back to look at me. He looked familiar in a vague, irritating way, and I tried to place a name to his surprised face as I apologized.

I must have really shocked him; he was pale and had to compose himself before he could speak. "Don't worry," he said, "I wasn't paying attention either."

No luck coming up with a name, or even what he might be. He wore a suit, not a uniform, but it was white, and Turks only wore black. It was stylish and expensive, everything about him was (except maybe his obvious distraction), but I doubted he could be an executive. He didn't seem to be much older than me, which is why I figured it might be okay to be informal.

"I'm Zack," I said as cheerfully as I could.

"Fair? 3rd Class? I've heard of you." The stranger hesitated, like he didn't want to introduce himself. "Rufus Shinra."

My mouth fell open, and he smiled thinly. "Bumping into me is not treason, Fair."

"I'm sorry, sir, I didn't expect - "

"I was getting an update on some recent events from the executive director," Rufus broke in, somewhat hurriedly. "He's expecting you, right? Excuse me."

He was gone before I could form another sentence. So that was Rufus Shinra? He was not at all what I expected. He seemed nice enough, just a bit dismissive and preoccupied, though it was his anxiety that really gave me pause. Maybe he didn't like being around SOLDIERs without Turks to guard him, though I couldn't imagine any SOLDIER being dumb enough to bother him. 

Lazard looked startled when I came in, but he quickly smiled and dismissed whatever was weighing on his mind. "Zack. I have a mission for you. I hope you're up to it."

I wasn't sure I was, but I wanted to keep busy, and there was a better chance of finding Angeal outside the Compound than in it. "I am, sir."

"There is currently some concern within the company that you're too personally involved with Commander Hewley to be safely involved at all in the search for he and Genesis."

Ah, is that what Rufus had been doing here? It would explain why he and Lazard both seemed to be uncomfortable facing me. I bit back an automatic rush of panic and anger and answered calmly.

"Sir, I promise, you can trust me. I want Angeal back here more than anyone does. Don't shut me out of this."

"Don't worry," Lazard said, folding his hands. "Sephiroth vouched for you, and his word, as you must be aware, carries considerable weight. Which brings us to this mission. We're sending you to Banora, Genesis's and Angeal's birthplace, to look for evidence that they might be hiding there."

I was eager, but also a little puzzled. "No one's looked there yet?"

"The company is quite busy at the moment. We contacted the families, however. Angeal's mother has not responded yet. Genesis's parents sent a reply saying that they hadn't seen him for many months, but I just can't trust that."

"How come?"

"Because they're parent and child."

Lazard didn't look at me as he answered, and his voice was curiously bitter, but I didn't think about this at the time, because I was remembering Angeal say the same thing. Could Angeal be hiding out at his old home? I had an excuse to go there now...if I could find his mother and explain who I was...surely she would trust me enough to let me see him?

"Of course we won't be sending you alone," Lazard continued, and I was unsurprised but disappointed. "He will be going with you."

I turned and gave a soft cry of relief at the man smiling quietly at me. "Commander Tseng."

"Good to see you, Zack. I hope you won't mind taking orders from a Turk for a little while."

I smirked. "So, are we blackmailing someone or is it just some routine kidnapping today?"

Lazard groaned and shook his head.

__

zfzfz

Tseng offered me some time to prepare, but I already had everything I was likely to need, so I followed him to the north end of the Compound and the building where ShinRa vehicles are stored. Energized by the thought of finding Angeal and bringing him home, I talked to Tseng on the way there with a hint of my old cheer.

"So we're flying there?" Banora wasn't very far, but I guess no one wanted to waste time. "Is Reno piloting?"

"Not this time. Part of our duty as Turks is to guard the president and vice-president, and Rufus has been requesting Reno whenever possible. They've become quite good friends."

"You don't sound very happy about that."

Tseng made a "hmph" noise, like a short laugh. "Reno is coming along well as a fighter and a Turk. I trust him. I just worry."

"That he'll be a bad influence or that he'll..." I trailed off.

"He's gaining control over that," Tseng said shortly, "but yes, that is part of it. As for his influence...it could be for the good. Rufus has never been around people his own age. I think he finds Reno's occasional immaturity refreshing."

"I ran into the vice-president today, on the way to Lazard's office. He seemed uncomfortable."

"Between you and me, Zack, Rufus is not always the cold, calculating person his popular image suggests. In himself, he is an intelligent, analytical, pleasant young man, ambitious but well-intentioned. He would be this all the time were he not under such pressure to follow his father's example. I hope he will never have need to be so ruthless and uncaring."

I was shocked to hear a Turk speak this way, even privately. Tseng must have seen this.

"I am loyal to the president as far as my battered conscience allows me to be," he said softly. "But the president is a position, not a person. I will be glad when Rufus is sitting in that chair."

The sleek black helicopter was waiting for us on the rooftop launch-pad. A serious, dark-haired man at the controls intoduced himself as Rod, and we rose up into the morning wind. Tseng sat opposite me, looking thoughtful.

"It is believed by many," he began slowly, "that Angeal has joined with Genesis. Sephiroth thinks so."

"He wouldn't do that." A terrible thought struck me. "We're finding Angeal to bring him back, right? Not to try to kill him."

"We're supposed to get both back, if we can. But the use of deadly force has been authorized against Genesis." Tseng laughed hollowly. "ShinRa's own folly has returned to haunt it in that one."

"Huh?"

"When Genesis's blood-drinking was made known to the company, we learned also that his senses and speed were enhanced by it," Tseng explained. "At first, the president was pleased. There was an idea to use Genesis as an assassin for targets that needed to be killed in a way even more mysterious and undetectable than the methods used by we Turks."

It was chilling to hear this, and also that Tseng - who I quite liked - could talk about murder so casually. "What changed their minds?"

"The Wutai incident. It was never proven and Genesis never admitted it, but we believe he was responsible for the death of Lord Godo's younger brother."

"Goro." I remembered Lazard telling the story as clearly as I recalled everything else about that terrible day.

"Yes. Genesis was watched more closely after that and confined to Midgar. He seemed to behave, until the deaths of ShinRa employees grew too numerous to ignore. The Wutai incident itself had been bad enough, nearly destroying the peace agreement we had finally come to."

"You're Wutaian, sir, aren't you?"

"My father was. No doubt his people would despise me as a traitor. Very few families in Wutai are genuinely well-disposed in their feelings toward ShinRa."

Kono's must have been one of them, I thought.

Banora was a small village, as I had expected, a picturesque site of rolling green hills and windmills working slowly in the mild breeze. It would have reminded me of Gongaga if not for the absence of woods all around. The trees heavy with oddly-colored apples were everywhere, and I realized with a start that this was the place depicted in the painting in Hollander's office. I guess it wasn't so strange, considering this was his home too.

"Stupid Apples," Tseng said as we walked.

"What?"

"A rare species that grows only here. Their proper name is Banora White, but children here so often raid neighboring orchards for them that the farmers curse them for always being after 'those stupid apples'. And the name has stuck."

I wondered if Angeal ever did such a thing. I couldn't imagine it, even though I'd seen him as a kid. The next thing to catch my attention was how completely deserted Banora seemed, even for its size. I saw no one, not even an animal.

"The village has been evacuated," Tseng said, following my train of thought again. "Residents and their belongings are being relocated as we speak."

"Why?"

"Because the army will be firebombing the village in one hour."

"What? Why?"

"Our intelligence suggests that Dr. Hollander is here also, with the equipment he stole from the science department. It is imperative that this equipment be destroyed before further use can be made of it. I don't like it either, but don't worry, the residents will be taken care of."

I've got to find Angeal, I thought. "What's so dangerous about this equipment?"

"It apparently can make clones of Genesis with his features and characteristics, like the ones you encountered in Wutai." Tseng saw my anxiety and looked sympathetic. "Zack, you go look for Angeal's house. I'm going to have a look at Genesis's."

I ran as soon as he gave the word and began checking every empty structure. It occurred to me that I had no way of determining which home was Angeal's, but I told myself I'd know somehow, maybe even find Angeal himself, happy to see me and ready to come home. The sixth house I checked was open, and I froze in its doorway. An old woman with grayish hair and a pleasant face was looking at me with a friendly smile.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Oh, uh, excuse me." The color of her eyes was so familiar that I hazarded a guess. "Are you Angeal's mother?"

She nodded, seeming unsurprised. "Gillian Hewley. Call me Gillian."

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Zack, Angeal's student."

Gillian smiled again. "Ah, Zack the puppy. My son talks about you in his letters, always with great fondness. He doesn't tell me everything...but he doesn't need to. A mother knows. Angeal has never spoken to me of anyone the way he does about you."

She was looking at me kindly, understanding as I'd hoped she would. I came closer and kneeled down in front of her chair, and she patted my cheek in a way that reminded me of my own mother.

"Something is happening with my son, isn't it? Something bad?"

"We're not sure. Have you seen him?"

"He came by a little while ago," she said sadly. "To ask...but it doesn't matter now. Genesis is in Banora too, and I worry what he might have done to his parents. Something awful, if he's anything like the angry child I remember. You don't think Angeal would help him with such a thing, with the hurting of anyone, do you?"

"I'll never believe that unless I see it, no matter what Sephiroth thinks," I said stubbornly.

Gillian's eyes widened when I mentioned the general's name, and the intermittent shafts of light pouring through the thin curtains made them look more green than brown for a moment. "Sephiroth thinks that?"

I couldn't blame her for wondering at that when I did myself. "Look, I'll find Angeal and figure out what's really happening. But you should come with me when I leave. It's not safe here."

"Don't worry, dear. I have my own way out, and I'll leave soon."

"But you shouldn't be alone until then. Not with Genesis around."

"Genesis will not kill me," she said with a soft laugh.

"But should you be traveling on your own? Angeal told me you aren't well."

"I have only what I deserve," Gillian said softly, shaking her head when she saw me about to object. "Go on, dear. Do what you can for my son, please."

I left her reluctantly, both reassured and unnerved by her calmness. If only I had known. Those five words might as well be the motto of my life. Of anyone's.

__

zfzfz

I spotted Tseng as soon as I stepped outside, and jogged over to meet him. On the way I caught sight of a hill that jolted me back for a moment into Genesis's memory. It was the same grassy incline I had seen Angeal and Sephiroth walk up together. This was where they had played, and it hurt my heart to know that it would be destroyed.

Tseng was looking up at the mayor's house again when I joined him. "Originally, Sephiroth was supposed to come on this mission," he said. "He refused it."

"He can do that?"

"It's never happened before. I think the president allowed it out of shock more than understanding. Losing Genesis was very hard for Sephiroth, even after all he'd done. I suspect Sephiroth is hoping his best friends will escape, and there would be no chance of that if he were here."

"That's why I was sent?"

Tseng looked at me. "Sephiroth seems to trust you. You and he both care for Angeal more than duty. Did you find him?"

"He wasn't home...but please, give me some more time!" I said wildly. "If I can convince him that he doesn't have to deal with Genesis alone, maybe I can get him to return to ShinRa."

Tseng smiled in an indulgent sort of way, for a moment. "I hope you can. Angeal has been much more pleasant to work with since you came into his life. And happier."

"Did you see Genesis's parents?" I asked.

"They're both dead."

I wasn't especially sorry to hear that, but... "Did he drink from them?"

"No. They were mutilated quite badly, though. The work of a sword."

I shook my head. "Gaia. At least he didn't turn them and the other villagers into clones."

"He couldn't. The process only works on SOLDIERs and monsters."

I felt stung by the implication behnd that. Tseng seemed to see what I was feeling and to regret speaking so bluntly. He regarded me with quiet sympathy.

"SOLDIERs and monsters are the same, is that what you mean?"

He said nothing for a moment. "Things are not always what we label them. There are beasts that harm no one and humans who do nothing but. Reno was considered a monster by his parents, and Hojo was probably loved by his. What we do is infinitely more important than what we are."

Tseng gestured to a wide house on the edge of the village. "Dr. Hollander's residence. We don't have much time. Let's go." 

**To be continued!**


	25. Loyalty

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 25 - Loyalty**

 

The house was eerily silent. Tseng and I went from room to room, checking for signs of life or recent occupation, finding none of the former and little of the latter. Wordlessly we gravitated at last to the final door, which led to a basement lit by the afternoon sun pouring in from a line of high windows. Genesis was sitting beside them (I guess indirect sunlight didn't bother him as much) with an old book open in his hands.

Tseng went straight for the few pieces of equipment that lined the left-hand wall. One was a tank filled with liquid green and a motionless form floating languidly in it. I saw this only briefly, afraid to take my eyes off Genesis and wondering if this would be a good time to draw my sword.

"'For though there were three heroes,'" Genesis read thoughtfully, "'brothers in skill and heart and the love they bore for one another, though they were in their youth at all times together, the fates willed that they should live and die separately. One will turn his devotion from the Goddess and give his heart to another. One will rise above the others and become the Goddess's champion. The last will live without love, never able to give or receive it. Because the sad destiny of this third echoes the sad fate of our planet, alone of its kind among the stars, so this story of mankind's fate is called Loveless. For loveless will all men be, so long as they do not answer the call of their hearts to be given to something greater than themselves.'"

I glared at him, and smirking he closed the book and looked at me. "Angeal's puppy. Have you come looking for your master?"

"Where is he?"

"Seeing the good doctor safely away, I believe."

Tseng came to stand a few feet from me. "Are you holding Hollander captive or is he aiding you willingly?"

"Hollander does what I tell him, always has, with a few lapses in cooperation here and there. And he always will, as long as there are things he doesn't want me telling."

"You're both to return to ShinRa if you want to come out of this alive," Tseng said in a business-like manner. "We can smooth over the unpleasant business with your parents."

Anger flashed in Genesis's eyes, replaced quickly by a forced calm. "What's unpleasant about it?" he asked smoothly. "We grow up, we see our parents for what they are, we act accordingly."

"Your father abused your mother," Tseng said flatly. "Perhaps you as well. You have my sympathy, but - "

"Is that all they've done?" Genesis casually examined his open hand, then in an instant had it extended and a fireball exploded from his fingers. "What the hell would you know?!"

The burst of flame enveloped Tseng, and he fell senseless to the floor. Keeping Genesis firmly in sight I drew the Junior Buster, but in my anger I made the mistake of looking Genesis right in the eyes. They flooded with red light and locked me where I stood, unable to move or look away.

"You don't need that, little puppy. Drop it."

My fingers obeyed him and let the hilt go. I couldn't even flinch as my sword clattered loudly onto the floor.

Genesis opened his arms and smiled seductively. "Come to me."

The bit of my mind that was still my own screamed at me, but to its horror my feet began to shuffle forward of their own accord. Genesis curled and uncurled his fingers to beckon me further, talking in a low, coaxing voice.

"Come, good boy, that's it. I want you again, little puppy. I've never tasted anyone so sweet. Come play with me, lovely."

Then, before I knew what happened, a pair of hands grabbed me from behind and turned me around, and I was pulled into the protective embrace I had been missing. Angeal. My eyes filled as I pressed my face against his shoulder, and I put my arms around him and held tight. I was determined not to move from this spot, ever, if possible.

"No need to look so angry, my old friend," Genesis said sullenly. "I would not have really touched him. A deal is a deal, after all. Unless...you're thinking of going back."

"Angeal," I pleaded, but he only ran his hand over my hair and said nothing.

"I guess I can't blame you," Genesis sighed. "What does truth and revenge matter when you miss the puppy who's been waiting for you?"

I said Angeal's name again, and he hesitantly drew me back just a little, enough so I could finally look at his face. There was nothing different about it except the amount of hardness in his stare and frown, and this melted away with a sound of pain and fingertips swiping at the tears running down my cheeks. Before I could kiss him, he brought my head back to his shoulder and pressed his mouth and nose into my hair.

"Angeal, please come home," I whispered, and winced when the pained sound was repeated. "We miss you so much. Whatever's happened doesn't matter."

"You hear that, Angeal?" Genesis said in a mock-celebratory voice. "Your puppy doesn't care that you've joined with me after all I've done. Oh...but do you think ShinRa will feel the same way? Even if they let rogue experiments like us live, do you really think they'd let you keep such a promising young SOLDIER? Do you think they wouldn't take him away?"

"Shut up!"

"I just want Angeal to think this through carefully, young one. And you, do you really want to take the same risks?"

"Then let me come with you," I begged Angeal. "I don't care about ShinRa or SOLDIER or anything, I just want to stay with you!"

"Now there's an idea. What do you say, Angeal? We could keep the puppy with us. Then you'd have him with you and be able to keep an eye on me at the same time. We could protect him, couldn't we? Between the two of us?" Genesis's thoughtful tone became concerned. "Surely the puppy is safe with you, Angeal. You've always prided yourself on control."

Angeal let out a heavy sigh, as his hands continued their familiar motions. I couldn't help but relax a little under his touch, though Genesis's presence still left me feeling afraid and angry. I curled my fingers into Angeal's rich hair and tried to pull his head down closer to mine.

"After all, maybe Hollander's drug will begin to work on you as it did for me. That's why you had him give it to you, right? Because you were afraid of what your desire might make you do?"

"What?" I whispered. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Angeal spoke at last. "I just wanted to keep you safe."

"We're in love, you moron, you're supposed to want me! Like I want you."

"But not as I do, Puppy," Genesis said smoothly. "Even when the drug does work, when it stops the need for blood, it makes the mind unclear, the desires we would normally fight harder to resist. But maybe Angeal thinks he can resist. Well, old friend?"

Angeal buried his face in my hair, pressing my back with one hand and stroking the nape of my neck with the other. He was breathing heavily and slowly, maybe trying to shut out everything in the world but him and me. Then I felt the struggle his fingers had not to tighten on me to the point of pain, and I realized he was trying with all he had to keep control of himself.

"I'd let you," I whispered to him, desperate to be allowed to stay with him. "I liked it too. You didn't hurt me, I know you wouldn't hurt me."

No reply. I wondered if he'd even heard me. He didn't seem to hear Genesis's soft footsteps approaching either, closing in behind me. Don't react, I told myself, no matter what happens don't react. I had to show Angeal that I was safe with him, that I could handle it all.

"Enlighten us, Angeal. Has it gotten easier or harder? Go on, lie. Tell yourself that it's only me you're protecting the puppy from. Claim that you don't want to force him to the floor and take him right now. Pretend the scent of him isn't driving you mad."

I sensed Genesis's hand reaching for me and managed to keep from flinching when one and then the other settled on my waist and began to rub up and down.

"I smell the pale sky of a light rainfall in you," he said softly in my ear, inhaling deeply. "And a sweetness like honey, and mossy forests green with life, and everything that's young and pure and untainted by the Goddess's hard will. Maybe I can convince Angeal to let you stay with us, lovely. But he'll have to share."

The tip of his tongue traced the shape of my ear, and I shivered a little but kept quiet. Angeal, I kept thinking, Angeal, but he was deeply immersed in what seemed like a meditative state. My heartbeat began to speed up against the slow, steady thump of his. Genesis tugged my collar away from my neck and Angeal's face moved there instinctively, breathing me in raggedly and with less restraint.

Genesis's fingers probed one of my wrists, gently tracing a vein there. "Blood is life and life is blood. This is the Lifestream here, in you, in all of us. 'Behold, the Goddess said, you who desire power in my name to do deeds for my glory, drink deep of the Lifestream and let the renewing force of its energy sustain you.' Our desire is a sign of Her favor. The sign of her heroes."

His hands went to the small of my back, slid closer to knead the cheeks beneath my uniform pants. "Faster, lovely, faster and your blood will call to him in a voice he can't resist. Her voice. You would give that to keep him, wouldn't you, and more. What would you give, Puppy?"

"Anything," I whispered into Angeal's warmth, closing my wet eyes and hoping Genesis wouldn't touch me any more.

Angeal seemed to know nothing but the skin of my neck he pressed his lips to, the skin I expected him to break at any moment. Genesis was uncomfortably close behind me, I could feel him along the entire length of my body, crouching a little to let me feel that he was hard.

"Your love can't hold back much longer, Puppy. Nor can I. I want to fuck you. I want to feel what Angeal felt inside you." His fingers tugged at my waistband. "Take these down."

I pressed my face even more into Angeal's chest.

"No? All right. Move your hips back a little." He did it for me before I could comply or refuse. "Faster, faster, and we'll both make you feel good."

Angeal was lost still and losing his battle, licking the skin that his teeth would soon aim for. Genesis's fingers teasingly traced the zipper of my pants, and with his other hand grasping my hip he thrust gently against me. I couldn't help it, it was too much. I cried out, and Angeal immediately awoke from his trance and shoved Genesis with an angry growl, sending him staggering back and nearly knocking him off his feet.

"I think I've proven my point," Genesis recovered suavely. "I'll be waiting, Angeal. I'll give you a few minutes with your puppy."

Completely composed and smirking, he left the way we had come in. Refusing to meet my eyes, Angeal went to Tseng who, once roused, needed only a swallow of HiPotion to stand and insist he was fine.

"Commander, I can smooth all this over with headquarters, if you'll just - "

"I cannot. Please get Zack out of here."

"Of course. This discussion is off the record, Angeal."

"Thank you, Tseng."

"I won't go!" I exploded. "Not without you!"

"I'll wait outside," Tseng said diplomatically, heading for the door. "Make it quick. We've got eight minutes left."

Angeal returned to me, his eyes sad and grave. When he reached for me I wanted to slap his hands away and hate him for doing this, but I threw myself against him and sobbed like a child into his shoulder.

"Angeal, please. I love you."

"I love you too, Pup, more than I ever thought I could love anything. But even if ShinRa allowed me to live, if I return, Genesis will tell Sephiroth something he must not ever know. I must protect you both. While I'm gone, I want you two to protect each other."

"Let me come with you," I begged again. "Together we can keep him from telling Sephiroth whatever it is. And I can help you defeat him! I sparred with Sephiroth, and he said I did good."

Angeal's eyes were bright and wet. I had felt him cry in the memory I lived through him, but I had never actually seen him do it like this. A single tear escaped, and I reached up and brushed it away as he had done for me. He caught my hand and pressed it to his lips.

"I would have liked to see that. Stay close to him, Zack. He'll make sure you become the exemplary SOLDIER you are meant to be." Angeal sighed. "It's Genesis who wants to see ShinRa destroyed, not I. I only want to keep them from repeating the sins of the past."

"You mean what was done to Sephiroth?"

"That, and...what was done to us all. I can't tell you any more, Pup. That would only put you at risk."

I locked my arms around his neck and he willingly lifted me up for a frantic, desperate kiss. I tried to do it again when he broke away, but he let me down and held me at arms' length, gently but firmly.

"Puppy, the best thing you can do for me is let me leave here knowing you're safe. Go with Tseng, go back to ShinRa." Angeal must have seen me wavering, and added "That's an order."

He ran his hand once more over my hair, I blinked to clear my blurry eyes, and when I could see again he was gone. I ran outside to find Tseng, who told me the helicopter would land at the bluff beside the mayor's house in three minutes, and that if I wasn't there in time Sephiroth would have his head. I promised, thanked him, and headed as fast as I could to Angeal's house, thinking if he wasn't there I could at least make sure that his mother had left.

The door was wide open. I ran two steps in and froze, my mouth falling open. Gillian was on the floor, unmoving, inanimate, dead like Moray and Kono and flowers torn from their frail roots. I stumbled back and glanced to my right. Angeal was in the shadows, looking down at the body with a hard, blank expression.

"Did you," I croaked, "how could you...Angeal, please say you didn't..."

He grabbed my arm, pulled me back outside with him and shoved me lightly away. "Go to Tseng. Now."

"She was your mother! What's wrong with you, what could she have done - "

"Betrayed him and lied to him, as my parents did to me," Genesis said smoothly, appearing from one side of the house.

"She was ashamed," Angeal said softly.

"But we know the truth now, Angeal. Besides, there is a greater mother to be served." Genesis looked at me, and smiled darkly. "Even as Her champions, we are monsters. We don't have to worry about right and pride, as heroes do."

Tseng's words came back to me; I pushed them away. "We're not monsters, we're SOLDIERs!"

Genesis's smile went cold. He turned away from me, and the enormous black wing I had seen before burst into the air beside him.

"'One will rise above the others and become the Goddess's champion.' One monster."

He launched into the air and disappeared into the sky. A slow rain of black feathers fell from above, and I caught one in my hand and stared at it. SOLDIER was Sephiroth, and Angeal, and Malakh, and Colin Moray. We couldn't be the same as monsters. I snapped out of this reverie to look for Angeal, but he was gone. Tseng was waving to me urgently from the helicopter, so I went to it, but as the bombers flew overhead, I couldn't help but look back at the empty village.

Fire dropped from the sky and burst loudly into flames on each broken building, every farm, the rolling hills where children used to play. I couldn't even feel a little better to see Hollander's house destroyed and hope his clone-making equipment had gone with it. The last thing to catch my eyes was a tree with flames licking at its bark, curling around its branches, charring and disintegrating the apples that could grow nowhere else.

"Angeal," I whispered brokenly.

Tseng had my arm and was pulling me back. I got into the helicopter, dragging the pieces of my heart behind me.

**To be continued.**


	26. Guileless

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 26 - Guileless**

 

Months passed, with no confirmed sightings of Angeal or Genesis. They could be anywhere, we all knew, so SOLDIER spread its forces all over the planet to search for them, leaving the Compound emptier than I had ever seen it. I was still considered too close to Angeal to be trusted to help directly, so the assignments I received were mostly based in and around Midgar. Anti-ShinRa insurgents, environmental activists, gangs who profited by every crime imaginable. I poured myself into these battles for the way they made me stop thinking for awhile, going often into a reckless auto-pilot that would not switch off until the mission was over and I was being praised and congratulated, for things I sometimes didn't remember at all.

I don't know if Sephiroth was considered too close to Genesis and Angeal as well or if - more likely - he continued to refuse to go after them, but either way, he was usually around, and we saw a lot of each other. I'm sure everyone assumed he was looking after me for Angeal's sake, but we were friends too. In Sephiroth's presence I could even be my old cheery self, mostly because he seemed to like that about me but also because Sephiroth, like me, still hoped we would get Angeal back, and his faith strengthened mine. He didn't say this, he rarely mentioned Angeal, but I knew.

We got together to spar sometimes, and though I would never reach his level, I was over time able to stay on my feet longer, even block some of his swings. It was great training for me and an honor never accorded 3rd Classes to duel with him, but it sometimes frustrated me how effortless it seemed for Sephiroth, how he was never out of breath, never sweated, never got so much as a tangle in that perfect hair. You have to see someone as a human before their inhuman qualities begin to stick out.

"Doesn't your hair ever get in your way in battle?" I asked once, as I got to my feet.

"Rarely. I am accustomed to it. It has always been this way."

"Why haven't you ever cut it? Not that I think you should," I said quickly, "'cause it's awesome, but seriously, you've never even thought of it?"

He looked at me with sadness and faint amusement, a combination he often wore in my presence. "A friend once asked me to always keep it long."

Angeal or Genesis? I didn't ask. It was also just after a spar that Sephiroth told me I had been promoted to 2nd Class. I couldn't feign much enthusiasm, which he understood. Once, this would have meant that Angeal was not only my mentor but my commander as well. In fact, I think the promotion had been slightly delayed on the chance that Angeal would soon return, but Sephiroth had told me before that holding off promotion would only keep me from reaching my full potential. The newly-promoted Commander Averman was now acting head of the 2nd Class, and his words of welcome to me were appropriately subdued and sympathetic. When he said "We're all so proud of you", I know he meant that Angeal would be especially.

Something else happened at the end of those months, around my eighteenth birthday, that would have made Angeal very happy.

__

zfzfz

Sephiroth wasn't so much intentionally vague as he didn't seem to understand the need to know more than is absolutely necessary. Just as I was heading out for patrol in Midgar with my group, he appeared, assigned Lieutenant Sada to take my place and ordered me to follow him. The general kept his feelings so tightly wrapped up that his agitation would have only been obvious to one who knew him well, at least as well as I did.

"Is everything okay?" I asked nervously. "Is it...Angeal?"

He stopped and shook his head apologetically. "I have heard nothing. This is another matter entirely."

"A mission?"

"An optional one."

Now I was really curious, and confused as hell when he led me into the Security, Maintenance and Storage Building and directly into...a top-floor closet full of mops, chemicals and groundskeeping equipment.

"Is this your secret hair-grooming place or something?" I joked.

Sephiroth opened a trap-door on the ceiling and positioned a ladder under it. He climbed up wordlessly, and I had no choice but to follow. We reached a crawl-space that led to another trap-door, this time one that opened up onto the roof. I hoisted myself up and stood at Sephiroth's side, brushing dust off my uniform and into the wind.

"Uh, the view's probably better from the Kurasai Building."

He smiled faintly and gestured to the wide Guard Building just opposite us, the headquarters of ShinRa's army. I couldn't think why we'd be going there. The Guard was only loosely affiliated with SOLDIER and many of its commanders felt dislike and resentment toward the program, partly for us being their superiors and parly because SOLDIER tended to recruit their most promising officers. All the Guard felt awe and loyalty for Sephiroth, though, as we did. Who wouldn't?

"Can you jump this?" Sephiroth asked me, gesturing to the space between the two buildings.

"Uh, sure, but - "

"Follow me."

Watching Sephiroth leap gracefuly across, I remembered Malakh claiming he could fly. Gravity certainly didn't seem to be an issue with him. Mako is part of that, of course, even I could stay in the air longer than any non-SOLDIER, but as always, Seph was in a class by himself. I got over to him without any trouble and obediently tagged along as he slid through a window into a room that looked like an attic, and opened a small door that led out onto the rafters of a huge room below. We were invisible up here, concealed by the roof beams, but we were looking down onto the Guard Building's gym, where it appeared that sword training was in progress.

The view was familiar to me from somewhere...from a memory, but not my own. I looked at Sephiroth, who nodded.

"Did Angeal tell you? Every gym in the Compound is constructed the same way, each with a place like this. We used to observe the progress of the lower classes this way, and the SOLDIER cadets. He often used the one in the Cadet Building, to watch you. That's how he knew Genesis was doing the same."

I gazed into his darkening eyes and wanted to say something that would push a bit of the hurt out of them, and out of my own heart. "And we couldn't have gone through the front door like sane people?"

It worked. "I didn't wish to attact attention or disrupt them," he said, gesturing to the young men below us.

I smiled as subtly as I could. I wish more people knew this part of you, I thought, the legend who crawls through broom closets to avoid causing a stir or disruption. Maybe it had its roots in the child who hid in a cave in Banora to win a game he hadn't understood. Genesis's memory came back to me, his small hands that Sephiroth shrugged off. "You can't. No one else is allowed."

Thank Gaia Seph was looking at the activity below us and missed the shudder I couldn't suppress. True to my word, I had never given him cause to suspect that I knew what Hojo did to him. The closest I had come to it was offering to go with him to a lab appointment and keep him company, saying I remembered that he hated the labs.

"Thank you, Zack, but that would not be permitted," he had said emotionlessly. "Dr. Hojo is strict about patient privacy."

The hell he is, I thought, and made a face to hide my nausea. "He's creepy. Can't someone else do your mako injections?"

"I no longer receive mako injections. They became unnecessary several years ago."

"What? But...how..."

"Though my mako level is too high to be properly measured," Sephiroth had said, "it seems to maintain itself somehow."

"I didn't know that was possible. How is that possible?"

He had looked at me with such uncertainty and vulnerability that I immediately decided to drop it. "I am different," was his last word on the subject. "That's all they've ever told me."

My mind wandered out of my memories and back to the present, and I asked Sephiroth what we were doing here. He seemed hesitant at first, always an odd sight, and asked me if I was able to do the zoom view yet. I answered yes, sometimes, and he directed my attention to the far left corner of the gym as we looked at it.

"Any specific target, sir?"

"Look for spiky blond hair."

Still perplexed, I did as he ordered, and fortunately such a bright color was rare and therefore easy to find. Its owner was a small-framed boy in his early teens, with a determined pout on his delicate white face. He was sparring with a partner bigger than him, and stronger, but doing well anyway, moving with excellent natural form and good instincts about when to parry and when to duck. He was quick too, and lucky thing, because he'd need that to compensate for his size and lack of brute strength.

I repeated the zoom view several times to find him again, trying to get the closest look I could. Even from this distance, I found the boy's eyes fascinating. They were the wide, summer-sky blue I had always admired and wanted for myself, with no hint of the oncoming rain that paled my own. My first impression of this person who would be so important to me was that of innocence, which he seemed to personify. I told him once, later on, that my first thought upon seeing him was "Aww". He wasn't particularly thrilled, but it was kind of a lie anyway. My first conscious thought was "He's too pretty to be exposed to danger." My second thought: "I bet he's the type to pout if anyone told him that." Third thought: "Aww."

"Who is that?"

Seph handed me a printed file in a folder marked 'Confidential'. I opened it up and there was the blond boy, all right, and the name Cloud Strife. Currently a junior private in the ShinRa Guard. Native of Nibelheim, a small village, and an only child, like me. The sheaf of papers consisted of stats and rankings that showed a naturally talented fighter working hard to overcome his size. The reports from his superior officers were full of praise for Strife's determination, respect and quickness on his feet. One mentioned a particular talent for magic, though the Guard didn't use materia as much as we did. The last sheet was a result report for a SOLDIER entrance test, stating a psych. evaluation that was slightly below the required level. Unfair, I thought, the kid's perfect SOLDIER material. I looked questioningly back to Sephiroth.

"I don't understand."

"What is your impression?" he asked.

"He should be a SOLDIER cadet. Screw the psych. test. It doesn't even say why he failed it."

"No, it does not. But I believe I know the answer."

Sephiroth gestured that I should wait and watch. The training session was coming to an end and the young officers were beginning to drift away. Strife, I smiled to see, continued for a few minutes by himself even after his partner had gone. Then he went still suddenly, and I zoom-viewed just in time to see a look of fear cross his face, and him hurry to put his weapon away and head for the door. A group of older boys advanced on him quickly. They formed a semi-circle around him, and one pulled him into the center, into the reach of all their hands.

I growled and moved to jump down, resolving to beat their ugly little heads into the floor, but Sephiroth grabbed my arm tightly. I didn't try to wiggle free (not that I could have), choosing reluctantly to trust the fiery pain in his eyes. To trust him. I looked back, and sure enough, an instructor was doling out punishments to the little bastards and speaking to Strife with concern, though the boy was staring timidly at the floor.

"Does this happen a lot?" I asked, fists clenched.

"Too often. Such harassment makes the boy's natural reticence more pronounced. I believe it is this defficiency of confidence that hurt him on the psychological portion of the SOLDIER examination. He passed everything else."

"Can't you overrule it? I mean, it's not his fault, and..." You can't leave him to this, I finished mentally. You, of all people, can't.

"I have spoken personally to Strife's c.o., Commander Hever. He agrees that Strife shows promise and is reluctant to promote him in any way only because doing so will put him among boys even bigger and stronger than him."

"But SOLDIER doesn't have the sexual harassment problem that the Guard does," I argued, which was true. "We look out for each other. I was smaller than a lot of my classmates and I didn't have trouble. He'd be okay, we could make sure of that, right?"

Sephiroth smiled softly. "I told Hever much the same thing. All that would remain, then, is the boy's lack of confidence. I think if he were to have someone older and respected watching over him, encouraging him, that may provide the change in self-esteem he requires."

My jaw dropped. "You mean you - "

"No," the general said, with a strangely regretful tone, "my direct contact with him would only intimidate and possibly ostracize the boy further. I will not make it an order, Zack, but I am asking if you would be willing to do this for me."

"Wow. You mean, like - "

"Not as an official mentor, of course. Both of you are too young and inexperienced for that." Sephiroth ignored my pout. "I would like you merely to make friends with Strife, counsel and look after him. Shield him, you might say, with your own reputation."

"Are you saying I'm respected?" I grinned.

"More than that. You are loved," he said simply. "And you are known to be friendly to subordinates. You can approach Strife and appear to do so casually. I cannot."

That odd, wistful sorrow had crept back into his voice. We watched as Strife nodded respectfully to his instructor and was sent off with a pat on the shoulder and a paternal smile. I glanced at Sephiroth, and the sad, luminescent steel of his eyes had softened into something uniquely human. He was confused, maybe even afraid, and I realized why with a smile of wonder I couldn't hold back. Sephiroth had feelings for the boy. He was unsure what to do with them and unwilling to get close, but still. I was seeing a glimpse of something that had survived Hojo, and it lightened the weight around my heart a bit.

"Sephiroth," I said, "I accept. I'm happy to do this for you."

Only now that Strife was out of sight did he turn back to me. This is the Sephiroth I like to remember, beautiful and touchable (in heart if not in body) both, a soul rather than an exquisite statue. In that instant I saw the vulnerable child in Sephiroth trying to heal, the same dangerous innocence that he saw and longed to protect in Cloud. It's easy to love Sephiroth if you knew him. I was moved almost to tears at the thought of him loving, and allowing love.

Angeal, you should have been there. You should have seen this.

__

zfzfz

A few weeks later, Sephiroth sent me a message that he believed the right time had come. Private Strife had been moved and was now a first-year SOLDIER cadet, still one of the youngest but not by much, now that the minimum required age for cadets had been moved down to fourteen. Sephiroth also reported that Strife seemed to be getting along much better with his new peers, and he was easily catching up with the class. His size and build still put him at a disadvantage in fighting, as skilled as he was, but he would learn to compensate. All that remained was to break through the timid boy's shy, nervous shell, and that's where I would come in.

"Zack, so good to see you!" Instructor Finn said warmly when I entered the Cadet Building's gym. "Seems like only yesterday I was having trouble finding you a sparring partner. No one wanted to be compared with you."

I laughed. "Got anyone like that in this group?"

"Well, Gowry - that's Lieutenant Gowry's younger brother - has good form. Tully there isn't bad, just relies on his strength too much and it handicaps his skill. All in all, a promising group, but if you're looking for real exciting potential, that'd be my newest, Strife. That's the little blond over there."

I followed his gesture as casually as I could. Strife seemed...not bigger in person, but more real, more alive. I had expected a figure so shrinking and diminutive that he would fade into the background, but the kid was so striking that he seemed to fill up my field of vision. Not just his looks, but the way he was sparring, putting into it more strength than you would think him capable of. His partner was bigger, but Strife was faster, concentrating with ice in his eyes and a determined look on his face. I recognized the fire in him, any good SOLDIER would have.

Then Finn called halt and the class put up their swords, and the hardness melted out of Strife's expression like snow under sunlight. He bit his lower lip and pouted uncertainly, flinched when his partner patted his shoulder and said "Good one." But then he smiled slightly, and the whole room seemed brighter. No, in case you're wondering, I was not falling for Cloud. Angeal held that part of my heart, no one else ever will. Cloud took up residence in a different part, one that was platonic, even if it's no longer entirely chaste. I think people could only have one of two strong reactions to Cloud - either "I want that" or "I want to protect that". For me and Sephiroth, it was the second one.

Sephiroth, I remembered. Would this timid little thing be able to love him, to handle the intimidation the general caused even in confident people? I wasn't sure yet, but I had seen unexpected vulnerability in one of them and unexpected strength in the other. Something told me that they could bring these hidden depths out in each other. I felt very certain that there was a line of powerful fate drawing them together over a vast distance, maybe the same kind that had guided me to Angeal.

"We'll end a little early," Finn was calling. "Good work, all of you."

He then turned to me, and his voice lowered. "If you want to talk to him, go easy. Sweet kid, but jumpy as hell."

As Finn walked away, I realized that he had been expecting me. Sephiroth must have let him in on our scheme. I guess it wasn't so surprising. Finn, after all, was a 1st Class. They loved Sephiroth unquestioningly and obeyed him the same way. I walked over to Cloud (casually) and luckily caught him alone.

"Hi! Strife, right?"

"Yes, sir!" he said, startled, snapping into a rigid salute.

I never got used to the 'sir' thing. "At ease," I said with a smile. "I'm Zack Fair."

His eyes widened a little. It hadn't really occurred to me before then how well-known my name was. "You were just transferred from the Guard, right?"

"Yes, sir," Strife said stiffly.

"Call me Zack, okay? I like that better." His big blue eyes filled with uncertainty. "C'mon, it's easy, just one syllable. Zack. Try it. Zaaaack."

A smile crept past his nervous frown. "Zack," he said at last.

"Great! Can I call you Cloud?"

"Yes, sir." I pouted playfully at him. "Zack."

"So, do you like the SOLDIER cadet corps.? Is everyone treating you okay?"

A flash of fear and then suspicion went through Cloud's eyes like the herald of a storm, but he blinked it away and nodded. "Yes, s-um, yes, everyone's been nice. I like it a lot."

"I saw you, you were doing great." His cheeks went pink and he looked down. "Really. You'll be ahead of the others in no time, I bet."

"They're all bigger than me."

I shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You've got potential and you work hard, and besides, speed is better than size. I was smaller than most of my class when I was a cadet."

"Really?"

I nodded. I had grown a few inches over the last year and put on some more muscle. I would always look like the kid I had been next to Angeal and all the genuinely tall SOLDIERs, but I must have seemed big to Cloud. All SOLDIERs do to cadets; it's as much about confidence and reputation as it is actual size. I babbled all this to Cloud (though I spared myself the specific reference to Angeal) and his nose wrinkled with thought as he absorbed it. I wanted to squeeze him like a stuffed toy.

"Maybe you and me could spar sometime, Spiky?"

Cloud's eyes filled with intimidation again. I really had my work cut out for me. Of course, I had been pretty terrified that day - it seemed a lifetime ago - when Sephiroth had drawn Masamune and ordered me to attack. I had done it, but Cloud wasn't me. I shouldn't push him.

"It's okay if you don't want to."

"No, I would, I just - " He looked at me with confusion in his eyes, eyes that couldn't see why I was showing an interest in him that was friendly and gentle. Eyes that couldn't see anything worthwhile in himself. "Can I ask why, sir? Zack, I mean?"

I stepped a little closer and put my hand on his shoulder. He tensed, then looked bravely up into my eyes and relaxed, trusting me. I smiled at him, and he reflected it back. People always did. I had never been so grateful for that.

"Because in SOLDIER, we help and look out for each other. We encourage talent." I made my expression serious. "And we encourage not giving up."

"Okay," Cloud said, in the strongest voice I'd heard out of him yet. I don't think he was only agreeing to spar with me. I think he was saying I could be a part of his life if I really wanted to, and try to show him why anyone would want to be.

If you were testing me in that first meeting, Spiky, I must have passed. Here we are, after all, having gone through fire and mako together. But that doesn't mean I haven't failed you a hundred times over. I insisted once to Angeal that love absolves everything, that it alone can make a person worthy. I was still such a kid, Cloud. Younger, maybe, than you and Sephiroth have ever been.

__

zfzfz

I was maybe three steps out of the cadets' gym when I got a text message from Sephiroth, ordering me to Lazard's office ASAP. I ran the whole way, eager to tell him about my first contact with Cloud, but all that excitement fell out of me when I saw him. He was leaning against the left wall as I entered, staring at the floor with glowing eyes. I couldn't tell if he was angry or hurt, but his tension filled the air of the whole room. Lazard, normally so calm, kept glancing at him nervously, then looked at me with sadness.

"Zack," he said softly, "the company has decided that...Genesis and Angeal are both to be assassinated."

I felt my eyes go green. My hands curled into fists and I wanted to rush at Lazard, strangle him for daring to say - but he looked so sorry. I held myself back, allowed only the movement of shaking my head.

"I won't do it. I don't care who orders it or what the consequences are, I will not do it."

"You are not being asked to. The ShinRa army will take care of it. They know better than to trust you with such an order."

"The loyalty and camaraderie unique to SOLDIER may render you unable to comply with such - " Sephiroth said behind me, in a lifeless voice.

I whirled around, infuriated by his calm. "How can you allow this?" I yelled. "They're your best friends! Don't act like you don't care, I know you better than that!"

He looked at me with a neutral frown. Lazard spoke up quickly.

"Zack, the general is bound to the same system we are. The company has complied with his refusal to assist in apprehending Genesis and Angeal for months. ShinRa can afford to do so no longer. We do not always have the luxury of choosing our battles. ShinRa regrets having to do this, but the company knows Sephiroth will put his loyalty to ShinRa over his feelings for his friends."

"You would kill them?" I asked, barely audibly.

Sephiroth looked at me intently. His eyes flickered meaningfully to Lazard and then back to me, and his faint smile came, with the quality of a smirk. It would have looked cruel and predatory had the green not faded and left his stare silver, the color that was human only on him. He put his hand on my shoulder, waiting until I had slowly done the same to him before he would speak.

"Some ties are more important than others, Zack. Someday you will understand."

I held onto the scowl that twisted my face, but inside, hope was stirring. Was he trying to tell me...I couldn't have asked in front of Lazard, but there was no time to do anything anyway. An alarm began to sound through the entire building, and flashing red lights plunged the room into uneasy dimness.

"Intruders!" Lazard cried. "General, the president's office. Zack, head to the northern entrance."

Sephiroth squeezed my shoulder, and then he was gone.

**To be continued.**


	27. And Carry You Down

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 27 - And Carry You Down**

 

What a time to have SOLDIER's forces spread so thin. As I dashed to the northern gate, there were battles going on all around me - fortunately, we seemed to be winning. It was like a vivid nightmare, with Genesis everywhere I looked, black wing extended and blade flying. At first I thought the area I rushed to was clear, and then I saw a strange silver beast on all fours, also with a wing, facing a figure with striking red hair. Reno!

"I'm coming!" I shouted, grabbing the Junior Buster, and one of the Genesis copies dropped down in front of me and was lunging. I dodged just in time and fought back, but there were a few close calls. The clones were not as strong as Genesis himself, but yike. Bad enough.

Finally it slumped to the ground, dead, and a hand grabbed my shoulder and whirled me around. I expected Sephiroth, but found myself facing Tseng and the quiet Turk, Rude.

"We've got this area under control, Zack," Tseng said calmly.

"What? What about Reno, he - "

"He doesn't need your help," Rude said, with a hint of impatience.

I turned back, angry they were being territorial at a time like this...and there was Reno, standing over his opponent's defeated form. He looked up, saw us, and headed our way.

"Oh," I said sheepishly.

"Ha, did you see that, Tseng? Told ya I could do it."

"Very good," Tseng said with a smile.

"Hey, Zack. Weird things, aren't they?"

"Commander!" A young woman with wavy auburn hair - another Turk, I guessed from her dark suit - was some distance away near the vehicle storage building, holding what looked like a communications device. "A report!"

"Rude, with me. Reno, stay with Fair for a minute."

Reno pouted at them as they went, but then his eyes were caught by the sight of the Genesis clone I had killed, and he kneeled down to examine it better. I wanted to tell him not to look, but I wasn't old enough to feel I could, and besides, he didn't seem grossed out by it. He just sounded a little sad when he spoke. Younger.

"Hey, Zack, remember, I told you once that dreams are pointless?" I nodded. "Well, I didn't always think so. When I was a kid, my dream was to have wings, like this. Like an angel."

I looked at the dead thing, trying to see what he saw, what put wonder into his voice. The wing was beautiful in a darkly elegant way, but the rest was Genesis in appearance, Genesis who made me feel like a helpless child, who had taken Angeal away from me.

"It's a monster," I said bitterly.

"Wings are for people who want to be free. They could never belong to a monster," Reno insisted, with such a childish stubbornness that I had to smile.

"Every time I talk to you I realize how little I know you."

"I'm a Turk, that's how it's supposed to be."

"Still..."

"Well, what do you want to know?" He smirked mischievously. "I can't tell you my birthday, you'd just tell Highcliff."

"What about your last name?"

"Not even Tseng knows that." Because he'd find and kill your parents, I thought. So would I. "Is it that important? We never really know anyone."

"Angeal used to say that," I murmured, and Reno's eyes dropped, uncomfortably. "Did you see something about him and me that day in Wutai?" He didn't answer. "Was it that I was gonna lose him?"

Reno looked at me again, shifting uneasily for several moments before he nodded. "What I see doesn't help anything. Once it comes to me, it's fixed. It can't be changed."

"Did you see anything else about Angeal?" He shook his head. "What about Genesis? You have, haven't you?"

Reno bit his lower lip, and checked to make sure Tseng was still occupied. "I see him heartbroken. She won't choose him."

"Huh? Who won't, for what?"

"No idea. I say the stuff, doesn't mean I understand it. I'm a little better at controlling it, but it's hard. I wish it would go away."

Tseng hurried back over, and Reno quickly stood in a casual slouch and made no sign we'd been discussing anything serious. "All Turks to the choppers. We just got a report that the targets were sighted in Sector 8."

Tseng frowned at me briefly, with sympathy. "Sorry, Fair. I can't let you come."

I watched them go, feeling like I'd been Petrified. I had just made up my mind to give chase, commandeer one of the helicopters and try to outfly them (though I had no idea how) when my phone rang. I grabbed it irritably and was greeted by Sephiroth's terse voice.

"Get to Sector 5 right away, the mako reactor. Angeal and Genesis are there somewhere. I'll meet you."

"But the Turks said they were sighted - "

"I know. Just come."

"Did you phone in a false tip?" I asked, feeling hopeful again.

"That's quite an accusation to make to a superior officer," he said dryly.

"So you're not gonna kill them?" I shrieked - thank Gaia I was alone.

"I am going to fail to kill them. I believe my reputation will recover."

"You're seriously the best!" I said happily. "You won't regret this, I promise, I'll make sure of it."

"So very like Angeal," he said, and hung up.

__

zfzfz

Sephiroth met me as soon as I entered the reactor, and gestured I should follow him up a series of stairs to a wide ramp. He pointed and I tensed, ready for battle, but the silver, winged, four-legged clone was dead and still. Strange, I thought, its wing was white, not black like the others. I kneeled down beside it to look closer, and...Gaia. On top of its small head, like a mask or an ornament, was Angeal's face.

I felt Sephiroth beside me, but I couldn't look up, couldn't turn away. "What does this mean?"

"It means clones can be made of Angeal as well."

"Hollander. Why would he..."

"Because he is a scientist. Science requires subjects." Sephiroth walked away, and I watched him at last as he stopped and turned his head back toward me, not enough to let me see his face. "In the main VR Room, at headquarters..."

"Huh?"

"It was our favorite place when we were teenagers. When the other SOLDIERs were away and we had it to ourselves, we would spend our time there. Genesis, Angeal, and I."

"You guys were really close, huh?"

"I thought so," Sephiroth said softly. "We would duel, all three of us, and Angeal and Genesis both fighting me at once made everything..."

"More even?" I offered.

"Yes. But sometimes, Genesis would insist on fighting me alone. I would try to hold back, but he always knew. He would fly into a rage, and Angeal would have to get between us. Genesis used to say that Angeal was the adult of us, even when we were children, always worrying that someone would get hurt."

I smiled. "That does sound like Angeal."

"I didn't understand why he worried so much. But Angeal knew Genesis's rage better than I, and the reasons for it. Once..." Sephiroth looked at the floor. I think he was pretending he was talking to himself, to make this easier. "After we had been separated, I tried to understand. I asked Genesis what I had done to make him hate me, what I could do to change it. He flew at me with such fury that Angeal could scarcely hold him back. 'Hate you?' he shouted. 'Hate you? I wish I could hate you!' He continued to yell, asking how I could be so blind, telling me that I was inhuman and that I cared for nothing, I never would."

I stood up and moved closer to him; he sensed me coming and shook his head. I stopped, and looked at him helplessly.

"As he struggled, Angeal tried to disarm him. The sword slipped, and Genesis was wounded, a deep cut on his shoulder. That seemed to snap him out of his rage. Angeal told him to see Hollander and he said he would. As Genesis walked past me he said...'Some days I wish I never met you.'"

Damn it, Genesis, I thought. "But he was okay, right?"

"It was a minor injury, but for days it wouldn't heal. Hollander injected more mako, and even that didn't work. When we asked what could be done, Hollander said Genesis would need blood. I volunteered, but I wasn't allowed to help. Angeal donated instead, and Genesis recovered. That's when we began to notice his sneaking off to Midgar. Then the dead animals, and the treatments for blood deficiency."

"You think the injury was connected to those things?"

"Hollander said no, that the blood defficiency was genetic and had merely been laying dormant, but I always wondered if the transfusion from Angeal woke it somehow. We both wondered."

"It wasn't your fault, or his," I said firmly.

"Perhaps not. But nonetheless, Genesis began to drift away from us both."

Did Genesis blame Sephiroth and Angeal, I wondered. Does he resent them for that too, and not just Sephiroth's superior skill and inability to love him that way, and Angeal's having shared something with Sephiroth that Genesis would never have? And who was to blame, finally? Was Genesis just born bad or made bad by his parents, or had Hollander done something?

"Why weren't you allowed to donate blood?" I heard myself asked.

"Hollander said only, 'You are too different.' I have always been...different."

"And you didn't know that Genesis was in love with you."

Sephiroth shook his head. "I was thirteen then, newly famous after the battles I won in Wutai. I was just beginning to understand jealousy, and with Genesis, I thought that's all it was. Angeal explained the rest, while we waited for Genesis to recover. He was always good at explaining. He said if I didn't feel the same way, the best thing to do was not talk about it, and keep being Genesis's friend. So I did, and sometimes everything was all right. But I don't think Genesis ever forgave me."

"It's not like you chose not to love him back."

"I know that now. But no one ever explained love to me before that. I didn't understand it. I still don't."

I left a pause long enough to make it seem like I was changing the subject, and filled him in on my first encounter with Cloud, as though I had just then thought to do so. Sephiroth listened with a sort of repressed eagerness, and a faint and preoccupied smile. He confirmed that he had all Cloud's instructors reporting to him on the boy's progress, and they all agreed he showed great promise. I wondered if any of them knew why Sephiroth was so interested.

"I am grateful for your help in this, Zack."

"It's no trouble. I like the kid, I think he and I will be great pals. When can I introduce you to him?"

Sephiroth shook his head, a bit too quickly for the gesture to be casual. "I would only intimidate him."

"Maybe at first, but you're not as scary up close." People usually aren't, I remembered Angeal saying. "Anyway, I think Cloud's a lot tougher than anyone realizes, even us. Even himself."

"Perhaps, but I do not see what a meeting between he and I would accomplish."

"It might lead to something good," I said playfully. "He is adorable."

"He is a child."

"He won't always be. You told Angeal that once, about me."

Sephiroth looked at me intently. "Did Angeal tell you about that conversation?"

"Uh..." I made a movement that was sort of halfway between a nod and a shrug. Bad liar that I was anyway, it was the best I could do against the sharp probing of his silver eyes.

Sephiroth looked up suddenly, like a hunting dog catching a scent. "Did you hear that?"

"No, what?"

"Someone is there, or was," he said, pointing to a door on the lower level. "Come."

__

zfzfz

The room was still when we entered, and uninhabited, though it showed signs of recent occupation. It seemed to be a storage room hastily cleared out and set up with new equipment, including a tank of mako like the one I'd seen in Banora, with a figure inside it whose features were vaguely like Genesis's. I stared at it, wondering who this person was and if there was anything of that left in him, while Sephiroth read through the files that were strewn on a table. Their scientific and technical language made my head hurt from a single glance, but he, of course, had no trouble at all with them.

"These documents say the subject was born normal, and therefore a failure," Sephiroth said, to me or to himself. "The birthdate is Genesis's, and the code name given is Project G."

"Project Genesis."

"So it would seem. The file is not complete, but what is here suggests that Genesis was altered or enhanced somehow before his birth. Whatever he is, Hollander made him." Sephiroth's voice went lower. "Was it always intended that Genesis join ShinRa? And altered in what way? Is 'Substance J' merely a code name for a mako solution?"

"Is there anything about Angeal?" I asked.

"No, Angeal is not like Genesis, but then why..." Sephiroth trailed off, then shook his head, laying the file back down and approaching me. "According to these reports, Genesis is deteriorating. I believe that is related to his ability to make clones."

"How?"

"If I understand correctly, Substance J, whatever it is, is an enhancer like mako. It acts on certain genes in the host subject, the same ones that are strengthened by mako, and it is these genes that spread when a clone is made. That is why Genesis clones are able to display not only his appearance, but his skills."

My head definitely hurt. "O...kay..."

"But the flexibility that allows the genes to replicate also makes them unstable. The blood Genesis drank and the drug Hollander gave him slowed the decay down, but cannot stop it."

"Sir, I have to find Angeal," I said urgently. Angeal was becoming like Genesis, he drank blood at least once and had been on the same drug. If Genesis was deteriorating...

"Why did Angeal leave, Zack? I can't think of any reason other than that he was trying to protect you. If Genesis was the only danger, why not stay by your side?" Sephiroth's eyes were boring into me. I stared at the floor, starting to tremble under their weight, but there was no way to escape them. "Zack. Was Angeal becoming a danger to you himself, perhaps?"

"He would never hurt me," I said, only able to get it out in a choked whisper.

"But he did. He must have. Look at me." Sephiroth was in front of me in an instant, forcing my chin up with his curiously soft hand. "Angeal didn't tell you about he and I watching you from above the cadets' gym, did he? You saw it. He drank from you."

I would have been angry, if he hadn't sounded as sad as I was feeling myself. "It's not his fault," I insisted, jerking free to wipe my eyes. "It's not his fault, and I told him to, and you don't know how upset he was."

Sephiroth nodded slowly, a weary gesture. Like Reno, like everyone I guess, he seemed older when something was weighing heavily on him.

"Sir, please, we have to find him, we have to help him."

"We will. You are to stay close to me unless I order you otherwise."

"You don't trust Angeal?" I asked, hurt by that.

"I trust him as much as he trusts himself, and probably more. But as general of SOLDIER and as Angeal's friend, I must protect you. Genesis is at large as well, remember." Sephiroth sighed. "So Angeal is becoming like Genesis. But how? Is there some connection between Angeal and Project G, or has Hollander merely duplicated the processes that led to Genesis on Angeal?"

"Angeal said he and Genesis joined ShinRa because they wanted to be with you. Because they wanted to join."

"I think there is a great deal we have not been told. Perhaps you could elucidate, Doctor?"

Sephiroth's tone had gone icy. I whirled around, and there was Hollander, slowly inching into the room from a doorway I hadn't noticed. He looked the same as I remembered, kind and almost grandfatherly, but my hands clenched into fists as I watched him glance nervously back and forth between us. He wasn't quite the monster Hojo was, but I thought I could kill him with greater ease even than I had the Genesis clones. Sephiroth stepped in front of me to approach Hollander, gesturing that I should stay back.

"We know about Project G, Doctor. We know you made Genesis what he is."

"I swear, I didn't know!" Hollander cried, his voice bursting out in an anguished rush. "How could I have known what effect the J cells would have on the donor, or that the condition would be passed on in that way? I was wrong not to anticipate what happened, but I tried to fix it! I would never have intentionally harmed Angeal or Genesis, you must believe me. We care about you boys, we always have - "

It was the wrong thing to say. Hollander realized that when Sephiroth growled lowly and stepped closer, and the doctor stumbled back and cowered against a small section of wall that led to a set of stairs.

"Sephiroth, please! You can't harm me, who will help Genesis and Angeal then?"

"Help them?" the general growled. "You claim you are making clones of them to help them?"

"Yes! Test subjects, all showing the same deterioration!"

"Is Angeal - " I began to ask, leaping forward, but a flash of black and scarlet filled the air above, and suddenly Genesis was standing in front of Hollander, shielding the doctor with his wing. With the same ease and speed of movement, Sephiroth pushed me behind him, and Genesis smirked.

"Aw, baby-sitting the puppy. Angeal will be very happy."

"Where is he?" I demanded.

"Very near. If you'd like to go to him and let the grown-ups talk, little one, I won't be at all offended." The shadows in the room shifted as sunlight streamed further in, and I saw that Genesis looked years older. There were faint streaks of gray in his hair.

"Genesis," Sephiroth began, "Hollander has made you what you are. Why are you protecting him?"

"Without Hollander, I never would have learned my true purpose. I never would have learned of the gift of the Goddess. The story makes it all clear. Angeal has turned away from her gift, choosing instead to give his heart to another," Genesis said, looking at me. "I will be her chosen champion, and you...who would have thought Sephiroth would be the loveless one? I could have made that different for you."

"What about Angeal? He is suffering just as you have. Do you care nothing for him?"

"You do, don't you?" Genesis asked coldly. "Angeal always meant more to you. You and he had each other, you had your fame, Angeal had his puppy. What has there ever been for me? Sephiroth the hero, Sephiroth the untouchable. The only things I've ever wanted, you've kept from me."

"I didn't want the fame," Sephiroth said, barely audibly.

"There were a lot of things you claimed not to want. But they happened anyway, didn't they?"

I tried to lunge at Genesis for that. Sephiroth thankfully didn't question my anger, merely held up a hand to warn me back. Hollander looked back and forth between them with confusion. It was a minor comfort that he apparently didn't know about Hojo.

"I never meant to hurt you," Sephiroth said, a little louder now.

"I could hurt you, if I wanted to. There are things you don't know."

Hollander made a choking sound and ran for the stairs. Genesis laughed and called, "Don't worry, Doctor, didn't I promise Angeal too?"

"Zack, go after him." I hesitated, not liking to leave Sephiroth alone with him. "It's all right, go."

Genesis stepped back and gestured with exaggerated elegance that he would let me by. I dashed past him as quickly as I could, angry at myself for being nervous and at him for laughing softly, and chased after Hollander. He had a head start and knew the building much better than I did, and I lost him a few times. But never for too long, and finally, on one of the lower floors he began to tire, and I could stop running and save my breath for speech. In a wide room I approached him over a floor covered with mesh and grates, and he stumbled back, trying to hide among the pillars that touched the ceiling.

"Do you have any idea what you're doing?" I shouted. "How can you, after what you've already done to them?"

"I had to help him, he threatened to tell Angeal what I most feared...and now he's done it," Hollander said anxiously. "I couldn't spare Angeal, but as long as I obey Genesis, he won't tell Sephiroth."

"Tell Sephiroth what?"

"The truth of what we are." A familiar voice, and a sword I would know anywhere, one I couldn't mistake, appeared from behind a pillar and blocked my path. "Zack, I told you. I don't want you involved in this."

Again, I wanted to hit him for doing this to us, and again I could only throw myself against him. Angeal sheathed the Buster Sword and caught me, holding me close and tightly and running his fingers through my hair as I pressed my face to his shoulder. His hands were all over me, squeezing gently and massaging, and with a soft, sad laugh he whispered, "You're growing, you're getting stronger. Good."

I wept quietly into his shirt, and with a heavy, heartbroken sigh he lifted me off my feet and held me so I dangled a few inches off the ground. With my arms firmly around his neck, I found his lips with mine, and the eagerness of his kiss told me he had missed this as much as I had. His need might have been even greater than mine, by the way his fingers urgently groped under my clothes and how hard he was already. His cradling arm went below my waist and pushed me impatiently closer, guiding me to grind against him.

"Gaia, I want you," Angeal panted into my mouth. "I have to have you, but I can't, this isn't safe - "

"Please please I need you," I begged. "Please."

Hollander was gone by now, but even if he hadn't been, I wouldn't have cared. I pulled Angeal on top of me as I was lowered to the floor, holding his head to mine and our mouths together, while his body covered mine and his hands explored. One of them thrust itself between my legs, cupping me, stroking me, and I moaned to encourage Angeal as he practically tore my pants open and yanked them down to my knees.

The fingers teased me, circling the head, spreading the wetness it leaked. Angeal pressed his nose against my hair, my cheek, my neck, my chest, descending slowly and breathing in deeply. His hands were rougher than usual, and shaking.

"Fuck," Angeal groaned (shocking me, he rarely said that), "your scent...I can't...I need it!"

"It's okay, I'm yours, it's okay - "

"Mine," he growled, and I could hear the green taking over his eyes. "Mine."

With no warning and no more teasing, he engulfed me in his mouth, taking in nearly the whole shaft and gripping my hips painfully, thrusting me up to give him more. He forced me up and down, in and out, more violently than he had ever handled me before, but the pleasure was too intense to leave any room for fear. Angeal was sucking me so hard that the pressure was unbearable. My eyes rolled back in my head and I came, and he drank it all eagerly, moaning with satisfaction.

I was still slumping against the floor in post-orgasm exhaustion and bonelessness when my knees were pushed up and a slick finger was penetrating me. Two, three. I forced myself to relax and Angeal was entering, slowly enough to keep from tearing me, but his hands clenched my thighs tight enough to bruise, it was taking all he had not to slam into me and break me in half. The thrusting rhythm he began was one I knew, one I had ached for, and I arched my back and wailed with longing as he took me.

Then Angeal's eyes were looking down at me, waging that familiar battle of brown versus green. The hand that cupped the back of my neck and lifted was so gentle, so tender, that I tought the brown must be winning. But the green flashed powerfully, poisonous and possessive, and a faint line of deep red circled the dilated pupils. I came just as his teeth sank into my skin.

~Genesis, no more than twelve, standing beside one of his friends and entwining his fingers in a shimmering mass of silver hair. "It's so beautiful. Promise you'll never cut it."

Sephiroth is unmoved by the compliment and seems uncomfortable with the touching, but he nods his acceptance. "All right."

The clearing in the woods, before it existed. The chosen ground is littered with cut branches, raked leaves, bushes that will be transplanted elsewhere. Angeal dusts the dirt off his hands and says, "That one's only a sapling. We could probably dig it up rather than chop it."

Sephiroth (immaculately clean, not a hair out of place) looks the young tree over. It's taller than he is, firmly rooted, thick for its size, but the boy grabs it in one white hand and gives a firm yank. Effortlessly the sapling is freed from the earth and held over the boys' heads.

"Seph, that was awesome!"

"Don't tell anyone. Please."

"Not even Dr. Hojo? Why? He'll be so excited."

"That is why," Sephiroth says softly, and turns to the next task.~

~"Bringing that up again?" Genesis snarls, an adult now with glowing eyes and clenched fists. "Save your apologies, Angeal."

"I only want you to understand. Whether you believe me or not, what Hojo did was hurting him. He had to be shown that being touched doesn't have to cause pain."

"And it just had to be you, didn't it?"

"It had to be anyone but Hojo," Angeal says angrily, "and anyone Seph trusts."

"He doesn't trust me?" Genesis asks, furious and wounded.

"He knows how you feel, he didn't want to hurt you. Please, can't we just put this behind us and be like we were again?"

Genesis smiles, a cold and calculating smirk. "You know, that's a very pretty cadet you have your eye on, Angeal. Isn't it funny how similar our tastes are?"~

~Instructor Finn's office, and myself, sixteen and nervous as Angeal comes in. His heart fills with a terrible sadness as he comes closer to me than he's ever been before, and he thinks, I was a fool to believe this battle hasn't already been lost. I can protect him from Genesis, but who will protect him from me?

The boy I resemble cautiously sneaks his pale eyes up, too curious for his own good, and Angeal smiles at him, feeling a warmth dilute the sorrow in his heart. I'm so sorry, Angeal's mind cries out to the younger me, I love you already, and I'm going to hurt you more than Genesis ever could...~

I came to in Angeal's embrace, being rocked and soothed and petted by his hands. I put my arms around him, surprised to find myself so awake and strong, and wondering how long I had been out. Not at all long, it felt like, maybe just enough for Angeal to refasten my pants and pull me to his heaving chest. He made a sobbing sound when I stirred and stroked my hair and kissed my face, all gentleness now, all himself.

"Angeal, I love you too," I whispered. "You're not hurting me."

"I am, and I will. It's only getting worse. If you had said no before, it wouldn't have mattered. I wouldn't have stopped."

"I don't believe you. Clearly I know you better than you know yourself."

"I'd like to believe that, Pup, but I can't. I'm sorry. I have to do this."

"Do what?" I whimpered. My eyes filled, and Angeal tore himself away from me and stood.

"Protect Seph, as Hollander is trying to. Protect you, by staying away."

"But-But with Genesis?"

"He wants to stop ShinRa from creating more like us. So do I. Monsters belong together."

"You are not a monster! How can you say you're the same as him?!"

Angeal turned, took a few steps further away from me, and...an enormous white wing sprouted from his back and filled the air. My mouth fell open. What was dark and frightening on Genesis was pure and beautiful on Angeal. I smiled with amazement as a stray feather fell into my open hand. It was so soft, I brought it to my face and rubbed my cheek against it. Angeal looked surprised, like he'd expected me to run away screaming.

"Wings don't make you a monster," I said, holding his wary eyes with mine. "It's beautiful. It's like the angels Tseng told me about, the messengers of the gods you were named for."

I tucked the feather into my pocket and moved closer, cautiously lifting my hand to stroke the wing. It was the softest, silkiest thing I've ever felt, a part of Angeal that I loved as much as the rest of him. Without warning, his fingers were digging into my shoulders, his eyes so green that I had a moment of genuine fear for my life.

"Angeal - "

"Go, Puppy," he hissed. "I can't control it. Go before I hurt you."

"I'm not leaving you," I said stubbornly.

I tried to put my arms around him, and in an instant I was off my feet, flying through the air. Luckily I landed on a strong mesh-like section of grate, which was softer than the floor would have been. I got to my feet, watching as his eyes flickered between brown and green, between the man I loved and the thing inside him that wanted to hurt me.

"I won't fight you, Angeal, and I won't give you up."

"You're a child still," he said, more frustrated than angry. "Do you want to be raped by a monster, fed from until the day I drink too much and lose you even more than I already have? Obey me, Zack. Go back to Sephiroth."

I shook my head, blinking my vision clear and standing my ground. "A monster couldn't love me like you do."

"No one and nothing could resist loving you."

As the fireballs formed in his hand, I saw in his eyes that he was doing it slowly, trying to frighten me away first. As he aimed it at the floor beneath my feet, I saw that he was expecting me to leap out of the way as I had always done during training. I can't tell you for sure why I didn't move. I didn't want to be hurt, at least not consciously. I just felt so heavy and sad that all I could do was stand still, and shut my eyes against the fear and horror that was spreading over his face.

The ground disappeared out from under me, and I fell into darkness.

**To be continued.**


	28. The Flower

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 28 - The Flower**

 

In the darkness, a female voice spoke to me from nearly everywhere, warm and full of concern. "It's all right," she said, and I thought...

"Mom? There's a friend I haven't told you about. Someone special, and...I want to help him, but I don't know how."

"Helloooo?"

"Mom?"

I opened my eyes slowly, and I was in an unfamiliar place, brighter than the dim reactor. A pretty girl of about my age, with brown hair and warm green eyes, was bending over me. A smile lit up her face, and she exclaimed, "Oh, good! I was getting worried!"

"Where...am I?"

"This is a church in the slums."

A church? The slums? But the last thing I remembered was...I sat up quickly, too quickly, and steadied myself as a wave of dizziness hit me. I looked around, hoping to see Angeal, but the girl and I were alone in this old, tumbledown building.

"Are you looking for the man with the wing?" she asked sympathetically.

"Yes! Did you see him?"

"He followed you down after you fell. He seemed very worried. But he checked you and said you would be okay. Then he asked me if I would stay and watch over you until you woke up." She seemed to notice my disappointment. "I think he wanted to stay, but couldn't."

I smiled weakly at her. "Thank you. I'm Zack."

"I'm Aerith," she said, returning my smile. "So, are you okay?"

I took a deep breath and got to my feet without any trouble. I was about to say yes when a wonderful smell flooded my senses, one that made me happy and sad and nostalgic all at once. I thought it was a hallucination at first, that I had just hit my head, but then I saw them, filling a large circular hole in the wooden floor. I moved closer, drawn like a magnet, and there they were, dozens or hundreds of flowers growing out of the dirt. Pure whites, pale yellows, rosy pinks, baby blues, even a few lush violets. As though it wasn't odd enough to see flowers in Midgar, inside an old building in the slums, these seemed to be glowing softly, forming a circle of faint light like sun shining on water.

I was transfixed by the sight, and the sorrow that flooded me when I thought of Colin Moray...and Angeal. Aerith came to stand next to me, pleased by my interest.

"Do you like them?" she asked. "I bet they remind you of someone special, right? A girlfriend?"

"Not a girl." She didn't seem surprised. "Flowers are a pretty rare sight in Midgar."

"They only grow here," Aerith said, making me think of the flowers in the clearing that Sephiroth had planted, Angeal tended and Genesis destroyed. It was like a dark parody of a story I'd read as a child, about the three Fates who control the lives of men - one weaving the thread of each life, one measuring it out, and one cutting it. Ever since I had gotten involved in Angeal's life, it seemed more and more like he, Sephiroth and Genesis were the strongest forces in my life, like their threads were tangled with mine.

Aerith was speaking again; I forced myself to pay attention. "They're very strange flowers, actually. Not only do they glow, but they live longer if they're picked, not the other way around."

Somehow that made my heart feel lighter, even with all the turmoil inside and all around me. Flowers that aren't killed when you pull them thoughtlessly from their fragile roots. Something hurtful and cruel made kind and selfless. It made me think of Angeal's eyes, flickering between brown and green, and Sephiroth, an angel of death on the battlefield and a loyal friend off of it. I felt a strange urge to show these flowers to them, to everyone.

"Have you ever thought of selling them?" I heard myself ask. "You could make a lot of money, and then everybody can enjoy these flowers."

She looked at me knowingly, like she understood exactly how I felt and heard every word I wasn't saying. "And so they'll live longer?"

Something about her made me feel open, exposed for who I really was, but strangely, this vulnerability didn't make me feel uncomfortable. Just the opposite. I felt like I could tell Aerith anything, like she was a kindred spirit my soul recognized the moment we met, not as strong but similar to what I had sensed in Angeal and Cloud. Maybe, I thought, it's the color of her eyes, like Reno's but lighter, the shade of spring grass that enfolds the planet like cradling hands. A green that intimated nothing but itself.

__

zfzfz

Aerith was reluctant to let me leave until she was certain I was okay, so she suggested we take a walk to a nearby playground where she liked to go to think. As we passed a swing-set where children were laughing, she asked abruptly, but hesitantly, if the winged man and I were SOLDIERs.

Knowing that people who live below the plate are often hostile toward ShinRa, I warily answered, "Why do you ask?"

"I sensed something in that man," she said, keeping her face turned away from me, like she was afraid of my reaction. "Something dark fighting with something good."

I tried to speak lightly, past the lump in my throat. "What about me?"

"I think if there were anything bad in you, you wouldn't even notice. You focus only on what's good. Like a hero. I've never known a SOLDIER before, but I think there can't be many like you."

I was a little unnerved by how much she seemed to see through me. "How did you know we're SOLDIERs?"

Aerith tilted her head up into the late-afternoon dimness, smiling girlishly. "Because this morning I wondered if today would be a good one, and then I thought, today a SOLDIER will drop from the sky."

She turned back to me and I laughed, though she seemed completely serious. I wondered then if she was maybe like Reno, able to see the future. My own enhanced senses detected something not quite normal about her, though her difference struck me as a natural one, like Reno's, not something produced in her by injections in a lab. While I was pondering this, I noticed that she was looking closely at my face.

"So beautiful," she said shyly.

"What?"

"Your eyes. The way they glow...and I've never seen that color before."

A pang struck my heart, a memory of Angeal stroking my face. "I've been told they look like a winter sky."

"The sky frightens me a little," Aerith said, shrugging sheepishly when I looked surprised. "But not your eyes."

"They glow because of the mako we're given," I said. "Is that maybe what you sensed in Angeal, the winged man? A lot of it?"

She responded to my hopeful tone with an apologetic expression. "I think it was something else. Something old and conscious that wants to twist the good part until that's dark too."

I thought of the green in Angeal's eyes that signaled his loss of control. I had always assumed this was just mako reacting to aggression or perceived danger, a normal SOLDIER thing, but with Angeal, his whole personality seemed to change. Should I talk to Aerith about this? Just then, my phone rang and I excused myself to answer it. Sephiroth's voice didn't wait for me to say hello.

"More clones are attacking. Sectors One, Three and Four."

"I'm on my way."

"No. Return to the mako reactor. Angeal is waiting for you there."

My heart leaped up in my chest. "Really? Did you talk to him?"

"Briefly. He was worried about you. I thought you might like to reassure him in person."

"Thank you, Sephiroth," I said sincerely, and he hung up.

I put my phone away. "Uh, Aerith, I have to go. Thank you for everything."

She shook her head to say it was nothing, and offered another shy smile. "Will I see you again?"

"Sure, I'll come back as soon as I can. We'll make plans to sell the flowers, and you can look at my eyes as much as you want," I said playfully.

"Okay. I hope you can save your...friend."

"What?"

"You talked in your sleep. It's the winged man, isn't it?"

I nodded. "You sensed something bad in him, right?"

"There's good too," she said solemnly. "I think if anyone can make him believe that, you can. You bring it out in him. If you didn't, the dark part wouldn't react to you so strongly."

I stared at her for a few moments, wanting to ask how she could speak so confidently, how she could know these things. But her disarming smile made me think such questions weren't important. I thanked her again and headed back to the reactor, feeling refreshed as though I'd had a long, restful sleep.

__

zfzfz

The area around the reactor was deserted when I got back. As I ran toward the entrance, I sensed a familiar presence close by, and looked up. Angeal was overhead, wing extended, descending to me with a relieved look on his face. I pouted, but I couldn't summon up much anger. I was just so glad to see him.

He gently touched my head first, nodding when I didn't wince or pull away. Then I was enclosed in the warmth of his strong arms, his caressing hands. Our touches were groping but not sexual, more like we each needed convincing that the other was really there. The wing lowered itself and wrapped around me, though I don't know if Angeal did that voluntarily or if this part of him was just as protective as all the others.

"I like this thing," I whispered.

"You're all right?"

"I'm a 2nd Class! Takes more than a little fall to hurt me."

Angeal held my face in his hands and observed me, wistfully, I think. "The girl told me that you're stronger than I think you are. Stronger than I've ever allowed you to be. You would not have become the SOLDIER you are if I had been with you all this time."

"Of course I would've," I insisted. "You taught me everything."

"No. I would have protected you. I would have put my need for you over everything, even your own feelings. Love doesn't excuse that either."

I clung to him and pressed my face into his chest, trying not to cry. "I love you, too. I don't want to lose you either."

"I don't know what's going to happen," he said softly. "But I can face anything if I know you're all right."

"Let me help, please. Let me show you what I can do."

"All right," Angeal said after a pause. "Will you lend me your strength?"

"Of course! As long as it's not to help you and Genesis kill people." I pouted, and he smiled sadly and kissed me.

"I want to stop ShinRa, not kill anyone. Genesis is out of control. There's no reasoning with him at the moment, all I can do is try to deflect his fury away from other people."

"No problem! Let me at him!"

"Such a puppy," Angeal murmured, petting my hair.

"I'll always be your puppy."

He gathered me close to him again. "You'll obey me?"

"Haven't I always?"

"All right. Hold on to me, Pup."

My feet began to lift off the ground, and we were ascending into the windswept Midgar sky. I squeezed him as tightly as I could, deeply grateful that my fear of heights wasn't as bad as it was the day I first rode the towering White Building's elevator, and needed Angeal to steady me on my feet. So much had happened since then, the world had ended a dozen times. But here he was, still keeping me from falling.

__

zfzfz

I was surprised to realize we were heading back to the ShinRa Compound, our destination the science labs. Fortunately, with the recent battle spreading SOLDIER and Turks even further, all over Midgar, the place was nearly deserted and we seemed to be in little danger of being sighted. Angeal explained, as we flew, that Genesis had ordered the large-scale attack as a diversion.

"Diversion from what?"

"Genesis is going to go after Hojo. We must stop him," Angeal said sounding as displeased as I felt about this.

We entered a large laboratory I'd never seen before through a broken window, no doubt Genesis's work. As we moved stealthily among the shadows cast by strange machinery, we heard the voices even before we saw their owners. I had trouble deciding which I hated more, but I had promised to listen to Angeal, so Genesis was what we needed to worry about.

Hojo's eerie laugh grew louder as we approached. "Is this Hollander's order? Revenge for his inferiority?"

"Be ready," Angeal whispered to me. "I'll be right behind you."

He sounded uncertain, and his hands didn't seem to want to let go of me, so I flashed him a smile. "I'm not scared."

"'The Goddess will fall from the darkest sky, and await her champion before rising to put forth her will over all the planet,'" Genesis said calmly.

"But which goddess?" Hojo said contemptuously. "How do you know which you serve?"

"She speaks to me. She makes her will known in my desires. She is the true Goddess, the mother of us all. I know."

"Because she tells you that?" Hojo asked, shaking with laughter.

"Go," Angeal murmured, and I ran into the open, pointing my sword at Genesis as he was pointing his own at the doctor. I was less afraid knowing that Angeal was nearby, but I was careful not to look in Genesis's eyes, though I could feel his running up and down me. Hojo seemed to find all of this amusing and continued to giggle. It was a terrible sound.

"Did you come to play, little puppy?" Genesis asked me. "I can arrange that, as soon as I deal with the good doctor here."

"Hah," Hojo said smugly, "you think a second-rate scientist like Hollander can stop your deterioration? No. My subject will be the only successful one. You helped with that yourself, planting such doubts into Angeal's mind that he had no choice but to take the same drug Hollander gave you, in exchange for my help. The drug that will deteriorate you faster."

Genesis's sword slipped a little, then steadied.

"Why look so grim?" Hojo went on. "Not feeling remorse, are you? You got to drink your fill, safe in the knowledge that as Hollander worked to develop a test that would prove you had drunk from a victim, I would be there to sabotage him. Not only were you able to indulge your obsession for the boy," he said, glancing at me, "but you used him to play on Angeal's fears. I suppose that was clever enough."

"I should kill you both," I hissed.

Angeal stepped out of the shadows beside me, Buster Sword drawn and brandished in Genesis's direction. "Keep calm, Zack. Genesis, stop this now."

"Don't you want him dead?" Genesis asked.

"You know I do. But not like this."

"Angeal," I said, unable to stop myself, "how could you take that stuff?"

"I had to protect you from what I felt," he answered softly. "I had to try. Hollander tried to improve the solution, but the damage is done. The clones he gave it to deteriorate faster than the others."

Hojo laughed victoriously. "Hollander has made only monsters. My subject is the greatest triumph."

"Shut up!" I yelled, restrained by Angeal's hand gripping my wrist. "If you're talking about Sephiroth, he's a person, not an experiment!"

Genesis's voice came sadly, even regretfully. "'The last will live without love, never able to give or receive it.'"

Hojo scoffed dismissively. "I didn't make him for love."

Angeal's free arm locked around my waist and squeezed me in warning as I responded to that, though his eyes were burning with anger too. "You didn't make him at all!"

"Didn't I?" Hojo laughed softly. At the time, I didn't understand why.

"Leave here, Genesis," Angeal said lowly, almost in a growl. "Don't make me protect him. Please."

"'We have gathered here, heart's brother, to see the Goddess's will revealed. Like an arrow loosed from Her bow, your path has led you to me, and mine to you.'"

"Loveless," Hojo said idly. "The scene where the best friends duel. I've studied the myth, but it's worthless. The ending was lost centuries ago, and has never been found."

"Loveless has an ending," Genesis said, smiling with confidence. "It has been revealed to me. The Goddess chooses her champion. Who could it be but the last of the friends left? At their last meeting, the choice will be made. Not Sephiroth. He won't have this too."

A fireball formed in Genesis's cupped hand, much stronger than the one I had seen him hurl at Tseng. He aimed and released it in the direction of an empty glass tank against a wall, and it blew away everything in its path to make a hole that revealed the darkening sky. He walked toward it, stopped and turned back to look at us.

"You have your gift of the Goddess, Angeal. Would you deny me the search for mine?" he said, and took flight.

Angeal lifted me and held me securely with one arm, and holding the Buster Sword ready with the other, went after him. It was terrifying and thrilling to travel so fast and so high above the ground. We finally caught up with Genesis at the mako reactor, where he alighted on top of the roof's tall electrical tower, and held out something small that glowed with a fiery light.

"He's using a Summon creature!" I yelled to Angeal over the rush of the wind. "I can handle it!"

We landed gently on the rooftop below, but his arm remained tightly around me. It was getting tighter, in fact.

"Angeal - "

He turned me around, and my heart sank to see his eyes fill with green. It was something dark, like Aerith had said, I could sense it and see the way it moved Angeal like a puppet, unnaturally. Unlike himself. I had been pressed close to him while we were flying. Did I trigger this part of him? No, what he felt did, but he felt it for me.

Angeal's hand firmly grasped the back of my neck, and he gave me a smile that was half reassuring, half predatory. His fingers slid into my hair and massaged my scalp. He sheathed the Buster Sword and yanked me closer, holding me around the waist more roughly than he would ever knowingly do.

"Angeal, we can't," I said, with difficulty. "We've got to stop Genesis." Where was Genesis? Where was the Summon? It seemed like the whole world had stopped, except for us.

"Look at me," he ordered, tilting my chin up with his thumb. I had never seen his eyes like this before. The brown wasn't there at all.

"Angeal, you can fight this," I tried to say, but I don't know if he heard, or even if I had gotten the words out.

"I want you. I must have you. Now." His fingers clamped painfully around my arms, and he began to push me to the ground. "Mine."

"Angeal, I know you, you wouldn't do this!" But he caught my wrists in one hand and pinned them over my head. Sitting lightly on my knees to keep my legs still, he slipped his other hand under my sweater and slowly explored my skin. "Angeal, this isn't you!"

"Who is it then, Puppy?" he half-growled, spitting out my nickname like he was using it to mock me, and his face twisted into a dark scowl. "Who is it you want? Highcliff? That girl, maybe?"

"No!"

"I'll kill them," he hissed, grinding his hips into me. "I'll kill anyone who touches you, anyone who looks at you."

"I love you, Angeal, only you," I whispered, too frozen by the horror of this even to cry. "I want to help you."

His expression relaxed and became gentle, but the eyes remained green, and it still wasn't Angeal. He leaned down to me and pressed his lips to mine, and I opened for him, making a startled noise as his tongue pushed into my mouth roughly, not coaxing it open as he usually did. One hand thrust between my legs, grabbing and stroking so hard that it hurt as much as it felt good. The whimpers that usually brought Angeal back to himself this time only made him groan with satisfaction.

I would have let him do anything, if I had thought it would help. I don't know what that says about me. But I knew if Angeal went through with this, he would never forgive himself, never trust himself with me again. So I struggled, and I said "No", and the green held on to his eyes, and the more I fought the harder he seemed to become as he pressed into me. I wasn't in the same condition, and that seemed to anger him. No, it, not him.

"Give it to me," he hissed, shoving his hand inside my pants. "This is mine and you'll come when I tell you. You'll come when I fuck you. Won't you, Puppy?"

My sight was blurring and I blinked the tears out, still struggling futilely against his hands. This was worse than anything Genesis had ever done, worse than what Reno predicted for me, worse than anything I could imagine. There was no love in these touches, none of the safety Angeal's body usually evoked. This was sex twisted beyond recognition, killed and left to rot until only a decaying shadow of it remained.

Genesis touched down several feet away, behind Angeal, with no sign of the Summon he'd been about to call. He must have put the materia away. He was watching us, first with an interested and even aroused expression, then as I watched, it became uncertain. Worried, maybe. He stood there, and it was so surreal that I forgot to be afraid for a few seconds. Angeal was going to rape me, and Genesis was going to watch. What was he thinking, I wondered. That this was attention? That I wanted it? That his mother had, and Sephiroth?

"Genesis," I called desperately, "he's your friend! Don't let him do this to himself! If you ever cared about him..."

Genesis stepped closer, staring at us analytically. He frowned as I cried out, his head tilted quizzically as Angeal licked the tears from my cheeks. My pants were yanked down to my knees, and my legs pushed to my chest.

"Angeal, no! Please!"

Faster than I could see clearly, Genesis rushed Angeal, pulled him off of me and shoved him back. Angeal's eyes flared a green so bright that it hurt to look at, he staggered and shook his head, and slowly his dazed stare faded back to natural, rich brown. He looked at Genesis, confused, and then at me, with the most hurt and horrified expression I've ever seen. Two tears raced down his cheeks, gone so fast he probably never knew they were there.

I got to my feet as quick as I could and refastened my pants. "Angeal, it's okay."

Not blinking, he shook his head. He reminded me of Reno just before the Wutai mission, eyes full of horrible, haunted knowing. Like Reno, he was seeing a future he could not bear. Unlike Reno, he could do something about it.

"Angeal," I whispered, my voice breaking, "no."

"I love you, Zack," he said, as unsteadily as I've ever heard him. "Go back to ShinRa. Keep close to Sephiroth. Keep yourself safe."

"Angeal!" I yelled, but he was gone already, both of them, leaving behind nothing but a slow rain of white and black feathers. I fell to my knees and caught them as they came into my hands, squeezing my eyes shut and not looking to see what color the feathers were as I pressed them to my face. They were so soft. Then I thought of Angeal's fingers tracing my lips and the line of my jaw, and they grew heavy and sodden with my tears.

__

zfzfz

Somehow I got back home. Sephiroth gave me a whole day this time before he dragged me to the 1st Class gym and threatened me with death until I realized I wanted my life. Afterward, when I was slumped on the mats (it took him longer to get me there than it had before), I told him what had happened, with as little detail as possible, leaving out everything Hojo had said about him. Sephiroth listened with the patience I'd come to expect from him, patted my arm with touching awkwardness, and told me I wouldn't be sent on any missions for at least two weeks. I was to use the time for training and anything else I might consider helpful to myself, but my responsibilities were to be limited for a little while.

"Is it ShinRa that doesn't trust me, or you?" I asked sullenly.

"It is not merely a question of trust," he said, unperturbed by my pouting. "You are an asset to ShinRa as every good SOLDIER is. There is concern that if you push yourself too hard, you might collapse under the stress that weighs on you."

"If they think I might lose it, why don't they confine me to the Compound or lock me up?"

"Because I do not allow my SOLDIERs to be treated that way."

I smiled a little. "Or your friends?"

He looked at me seriously, then offered his own faint smile. "Or my friends."

"I can't give up on Angeal."

"I do not expect you to." Sephiroth paused. "Orders are that he be captured on sight and brought back, but Angeal is a match for whatever ShinRa can send against him, except myself. Even if he were brought back, we would not know how to help him. As difficult as it may be, I think, for now, we must hope that Hollander is successful in finding a way to reverse the deterioration."

"And if ShinRa captures him?"

Sephiroth smirked. "Then you and I will offer him his life as an incentive to complete his work."

I laughed. "Moray told me once that you have a sense of humor. I never expected to see evidence of that myself."

"Perhaps one day, I will show you further proof."

"What further proof?" He smiled secretively. "Aw, c'mon, I want to know now!"

"Think of this as an incentive to keep yourself alive and in good health. This period of restricted duty should offer you a chance to practice."

"And I'll have a chance to spend time with Cloud." Sephiroth looked away, his expression stony but the look in his eyes one of softness. "You're really not gonna let me introduce you two?"

"I don't wish to add to the boy's stress."

"I bet he can handle it." Can you, I wondered. "How about this - I'll ask him sometime if he'd like to meet you, and if he's interested..."

Sephiroth nodded reluctantly. "Very well."

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were afraid of him," I teased.

"Hardly."

"Hey, I don't blame you. He's a tough kid. In a few years he might be wiping the floor with both of us."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "I'm sure."

__

zfzfz

Easier said than done. It was no problem to find Cloud, as his schedule was similar to what mine had been as a first-year cadet. But how to approach him was trickier. I didn't want it to look like I was favoring him above the others when we hardly knew each other, or like he needed my help. And I wanted to be cautious, careful with his nervous, timid nature. Thanks to the place in the rafters Sephiroth had shown me, I was able to observe first, while developing a plan.

Cloud was continuing to excel at sword-work, especially now that he wasn't being sexually harassed. SOLDIERs, even as cadets, form a tighter bond than members of the Guard do. Camaraderie is fostered from the beginning of training, and loyalty is encouraged. I was worried that Cloud's potential and skill might make him a target for jealousy, as I had been, but he seemed to be well-liked, though his shyness kept him at a bit of a distance. However good with a sword, he just seemed so damn sweet and harmless. I also noticed he sometimes let less talented fighters disarm him. I wish I had thought to do that.

Once I was satisfied with my reconnaissance, I began visiting Cloud's Weapon Training classes on days that focused on sword-work. With Finn's enthusiastic permission, I would wander around during drills and correct this person's grip and that person's stance. The first time, I paid about equal attention to everyone, but saved most of my smiles for Cloud. To my surprise, he looked relieved, like he knew what I was doing. The second time, there was an odd number of cadets when it was time to partner up, so I quickly waved Cloud over. His blue eyes went wide as I drew the Junior Buster.

"Hey, don't worry," I assured him. "I'm only gonna defend this time. You just worry about attacking me, okay, Spiky?"

"Why do you call me that?" He pouted, but it quickly changed into a smile.

"Your hair is spiky."

"So's yours."

"I outrank you, so I get first dibs on nicknames. C'mon, attack me."

He came at me reluctantly, giving me more than enough time to anticipate and meet his first couple swings. There was more strength in them than anyone would suspect, but it was nothing to me.

"Don't hesitate," I told him. "You've got speed, use it."

Cloud seemed emboldened by my encouragement. His next pass was faster, and he recovered more quickly after I blocked him. I smiled and nodded, gestured that he should keep going, and slowly, that determined hardness I had observed before came into his eyes. He circled me and I turned to meet him, and each time he feinted one way or the other I had to be on my toes, because the kid was seriously fast. He would be a force to reckon with on mako, I thought.

Cloud got in some nice thrusts. I parried them all, but I said "Good!" each time, and he smiled, so he must have known I was being sincere. His concentration was much better than mine had been at that age. He seemed to forget the class, the instructor, everything in the world that made him nervous or afraid. So he didn't notice that, after a while, the other cadets had put up their swords and were watching the two of us with interest. I let this go on for a few minutes before I called halt.

Our audience broke their silence immediately. Mostly it was murmurs of "Cool!", "See that sword, I heard it's a copy of..." and stuff like that, but several cadets went to Cloud, patted him on the shoulder and told him he did well. He blushed and dropped his eyes, murmured a thank-you, and Instructor Finn came over to break up the little crowd.

"All right, everyone, pair up and do it again, focus more on lunges this time." As they walked away, Finn smiled at Cloud. "Very good, Strife. Keep it up."

When it was just the two of us again, I said, "You did well, Spiky. Maybe we can do this more often?"

Cloud beamed at me, with a hope in his eyes that lifted my heart in that moment and never stopped. "Okay, Zack. I'd like that."

**To be continued.**


	29. Hush, Child

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 29 - Hush, Child**

 

So those couple of mission-free weeks turned out to be a gift. It was hard not to worry constantly about Angeal and miss him so much that it hurt, but though Cloud couldn't fill that space in my heart, he distracted me from it. I kept visiting his Weapons Training class, and though I encouraged and offered advice to everyone, Finn and I between the two of us always arranged for me to be partnered up with Cloud. As far as everyone else could see, our friendship developed casually, naturally, and though Cloud had been an assignment I was given, I never thought of him that way. I had a secret hope that he would be able to make Sephiroth happy one day, but he was doing it for me already. I loved the kid. Always will.

He liked me right away too, if his smiles and eagerness to spar were any indication. Once I thought he was comfortable enough with me, I suggested we try doing it on our own, outside of class. The next free day for cadets found us heading from the Cadet Building to the White Building's 1st Class gym (which I had been given permission to use on my own, since all my training with the 1sts was done there anyway). The weather in Midgar is pretty mild all year round, and it was a bright, cool day as we walked the cemented paths lined with well-tended grass. It seemed ages ago that I had followed Lieutenant Moray and observed his cheerful friendliness with relief.

I stopped for a moment and stared intently at Cloud, not blinking and slowly bringing myself closer. His eyes went wide, but I grinned and he gently shoved me back and laughed.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm cloud-watching! Get it?"

He shook his head and smiled. "I didn't think SOLDIERs could be so..."

"Bouncy? We're pretty rare. Promise me that when you're a SOLDIER, you won't be all serious and stuffy."

Cloud shrugged. "If I become one."

"Why wouldn't you? You're doing great. You've got to think positively, and hold onto your dreams. You've got dreams, don't you? Isn't that why you wanted to join SOLDIER?"

"I guess," Cloud said tentatively.

"So, why did you? Adventure, excitement, escape from a small town where nothing ever happens?" I prodded.

"I am from a small town. I never really fit in." Cloud looked at his boots as we walked, seeming unsure about revealing any more.

"That's kinda how it was for me. I wanted to see the world, accomplish great things. Be a hero. No one understood how trapped I felt at home, even my parents." He was starting to look up again. "What about yours?"

"My dad died when I was little. My mom didn't want me going so far away or putting myself in danger, but she knew it was my dream to..."

He stopped there and turned faintly pink. "To be a SOLDIER?" I guessed. "To make a difference? To serve under Sephiroth?"

For such a pale kid, Cloud could really blush. "It's not..."

"What?"

"Nothing," he muttered, avoiding my eyes.

I would have grinned like a moron if I hadn't felt so bad for making him feel embarrassed. Gaia, a crush, it had to be. This was beyond adorable, it was perfect. I thought briefly of telling him how common it is for cadets to be attracted to Sephiroth, that even I wibbled a little the first time I saw him up close, but Cloud didn't seem the type to be able to admit it and laugh it off.

"Nothing to be embarrassed about, Spiky. Everyone comes to ShinRa wanting to work with Sephiroth. I know I did. And now we're friends."

Cloud seemed to relax. "What's he like?" he asked softly.

Damaged, I thought. Different, vulnerable, strong in spite of all that. Like you.

"Well, he's more human up close. Thoughtful, insightful, kind. He still keeps a certain distance, even from me, but he's a good guy. Not just a great man." I watched Cloud, subtly but intently, as he smiled and his gaze seemed to drift inward to his own thoughts. "You want to meet him?"

Now he paled, as much as his white skin could. "N-No, I couldn't. I wouldn't know what to say, I'd do something wrong."

"What's there to do wrong? I'll introduce you, you'll say hi, he'll either say hi or have one of his socially awkward moments and stare like a chocobo caught in a headlight. It'll be harder on him, trust me," I said lightly, mentally adding, even if you can't know why.

"I...I don't know..."

I decided to risk acting on a hunch. "Y'know, Sephiroth gets told about cadets who are excelling in their training. He wouldn't admit it, but he's curious to meet you and see what kind of SOLDIER he'll be getting in a couple years. It's easier for him if I introduce you."

That confirmed it, the thought of making something easier for Sephiroth was what started to break through Cloud's reluctance.

"I'll be right there," I added. "It'll be quick, and I promise, it'll be fine."

"Well...okay. When?"

"At the next opportunity!" I put my arm around Cloud's shoulders and squeezed. 

We had entered the White Building (Cloud seemed amazed by the fancy interior as I had once been, that made me smile) and were nearly to the gym when I noticed Commander Averman and Lieutenant Halloran wave to me from down the hallway. They headed toward us, and Cloud automatically snapped into a rigid salute. Both looked at him curiously, and Averman smiled.

"At ease, Cadet." Averman's eyes softened with sympathy as he shifted them to me. I was a kid to them myself, a little brother, I always would be. "How are you, Zack?"

"I'm all right, sir. Uh, this is Cadet Cloud Strife, a friend of mine. Cloud, this is Commander Averman and Lieutenant Halloran, SOLDIERs 1st Class."

"Sirs," Cloud said shyly, shuffling his feet.

"A pleasure, Cadet," Halloran said, nodding. "Zack, you should start eating with us in the 1st Class dining hall again. Everyone misses you."

I nodded reluctantly. I had been avoiding the place since Angeal left, and the concerned pity in the eyes of Angeal's former comrades. Like the kind Halloran and Averman were directing at me now. I know it was because they cared and I appreciated that, but if I accepted it...it felt like I was admitting Angeal was gone.

"Yeah, sure. I'll stop by soon."

"And it's been awhile since we've crossed blades," Halloran went on. "Maybe tomorrow, if you're free? I've got time in the afternoon."

"Okay."

He raised his hand like he was about to ruffle my hair, then withdrew, probably not wanting to embarrass me in front of a cadet. Averman put his hand on my shoulder for a moment and squeezed, looking at me gently and seriously.

"You know we're here for you, right, Zack?" he asked quietly.

"I know, sir. Thank you."

"Okay. We'd better get going...oh, by the way, Zack, Sephiroth got back a few hours ago. He wants to see you ASAP. And you might want to tie that boot-lace before you trip."

I hadn't seen Sephiroth since our last spar, when he told me I would be on restricted duty for a while. He'd been away almost the entire two weeks, though I had no idea where (he often went on classified missions), and it was unusual for me to go that long without seeing him. The timing couldn't be better. I smiled winningly at Cloud as I bent down, and his sky-blue eyes widened.

"Now?" he squeaked.

"No time like the present. Hold on, just let me tie this thing."

Averman and Halloran had turned a corner and passed out of our sight but, apparently not realizing I was still there, had stopped and begun to talk softly. As I tied my boot, their subdued voices came to me clearly on the still indoor air.

"He looks all right. He's strong."

"The poor kid. If we're missing Angeal, I can't imagine what he's going through."

"He's dealing. Did you see - "

"Heh, yeah, that's cute. The puppy has a puppy of his own."

Rolling my eyes, I straightened up and motioned Cloud to follow. He was looking at me curiously, obviously wanting to ask questions. Comforted by his innocence, as always, I smiled to tell him it was okay.

"'Puppy'?" he said cautiously.

"My, uh, my mentor calls me that. And you thought 'Spiky' was bad!"

"I don't mind," he said shyly. "Were they, um..."

"Yeah? It's okay, what were you gonna say?"

Cloud shook his head, and I decided to let it go for now. We got in the elevator and rode up to the fourth floor. (Cloud seemed okay in the elevator, maybe because he was used to heights, coming from a mountainous region.) Sephiroth had recently moved his office from the Kurasai Building to here, and I had been to it once or twice. He said it was something he'd wanted to do for a long time, because the heightened security in the Kurasai Building made it difficult for anyone to see him. (I think it was a good sign he was becoming more open, that that bothered him.) But I think it was also or actually because he wanted to be closer to his SOLDIERs during this time of crisis. With Angeal gone, especially, Sephiroth's strong presence lent strength to us all.

When we reached the office door, Cloud bit his lower lip and looked at me with anxious alarm. I smiled reassuringly and ran my hand over his hair. The spikes were pleasantly and surprisingly soft, like cornsilk beneath my fingers.

"I promise it'll be okay. But if you really don't want to - "

He took a deep breath. "No, it's okay. I'm okay."

"Good for you, kiddo."

I knocked, and Cloud tensed a little when we heard "Enter" from behind the door. I quickly squeezed his hand, and we stepped inside. Sephiroth turned and looked up from a document he was holding, and a flash of shock and perhaps even fear passed over his face, so fast I barely caught it. His features hastily schooled themselves into their usual passive neutrality, but the silver eyes, uneasy and eager both, constantly flickered back and forth between us as Sephiroth approached me.

"Lieutenant Fair."

"General. I hope you don't mind that I brought a friend along. This is Cloud Strife, the cadet we've heard so many good things about."

I looked at Cloud now, ready to kick myself and abort if he was frightened. He was gazing at his idol with amazed, wide blue eyes, but not staring, blinking in wonder with his lips slightly parted. It was an adorably childish expression, easy to mistake for star-struck but warmer than that, with traces of adoration more personal than worship. He didn't remember to salute, but he also didn't faint, or shrink back, or show any sign of being uncomfortable, save for a slight shiver that went through his whole lithe frame.

Sephiroth's calm expression was holding, but for someone like me who knew him and had always been perceptive, his eyes were giving away much more. As he had stepped closer, they were guarded at first, wary, not because Cloud was any kind of danger but because the theat was what he was feeling. As they measured each other silently, the pools of liquid steel grew warmer, disarmed by the boy's shyness and lovely face. I could almost see the fear and past hurts fall slowly away from them both, the walls both had built begin to crumble.

Sephiroth smiled faintly and offered his hand. "A pleasure, Cadet."

"I-It's an honor, General," Cloud whispered. His cheeks pinked just slightly as his hand touched Sephiroth's; I wondered if he too was surprised by its softness.

As they released each other, Sephiroth's stare became intense, like he was concentrating on something difficult. He didn't mean anything by this, but I had seen him do it to people he was trying to read, and it's an uncomfortable spotlight to be under. But Cloud only looked back at him innocently, fascinated, still a bit pink but not at all afraid. After a few moments, Sephiroth turned to me.

"Lieutenant, if you feel ready, you're to be sent on a mission three days from now."

"Where to?"

He glanced very briefly at Cloud. "Modeoheim. Commander Tseng will be going as well. He or Lazard can brief you on the particulars."

"Okay. Will I be the only SOLDIER?"

"Others will be dispatched to the area and be on alert, should you need back-up. But the company has deemed it best that you be perceived as alone, or nearly so."

I thought I understood. "Angeal?"

He didn't answer.

"Sir, you can talk in front of Cadet Strife. I'll vouch for him."

Another hasty glance at Cloud. "Angeal and Dr. Hollander have been sighted at the Modeoheim mako reactor."

"What about Genesis?"

"No. But he may be there as well. Be advised, Lieutenant, that Tseng will call for back-up if he thinks the danger more than you can handle, however much you might protest. If you try to take on too much, I will be displeased."

"Understood, sir. Do you think this will be dangerous?"

"More likely they will retreat when they catch sight of you, before ShinRa can be alerted."

"Which is why you're sending me, sir, isn't it?"

Sephiroth's mouth curved in a faint smirk. "I still expect caution from you."

An idea occurred to me, suddenly. "How about I bring Strife with me?"

"What?" Sephiroth asked with a frown.

"What?" Cloud squeaked.

"SOLDIER and the company are spread thin right now," I argued. "It's not unheard of to let cadets accompany superiors on missions for learning experience. And Modeoheim's in a mountainous region. Cloud knows places like that, he'll be all kinds of useful."

Sephiroth looked at Cloud, whose eyes were wide. "Would you like to accompany Lieutenant Fair to Modeoheim, Cadet?"

"Um, yes, sir, if that's okay."

"Very well, permission granted. Zack, choose another from his class as well. I will trust you and Tseng to keep them safe."

"You can count on me, General."

"Dismissed."

I headed cheerfully for the door with Cloud in tow, stopping as I opened it to see Cloud giving his hero one last shy smile, and the incredible sight of Sephiroth returning it.

It took Cloud a little while to shake off the daze of having actually met the Sephiroth and living through it. He was distracted and a bit dreamy-eyed for the first few minutes of our spar before becoming the determined fighter I had come to expect, but after that he was fine, more confident than usual. I figured he'd been through enough for one day, so I didn't casually mention Sephiroth's hotness or tease him about blushing so much. After we hit the showers (no, I didn't peek) and were walking back to the Cadet Building, I sensed that he had something he wanted to say and wouldn't let himself. When I asked, he looked at the ground and shook his head.

"Aw, c'mon, Spiky. Whatever it is, it's okay, I'm not gonna get mad or anything. We're friends, right?"

Cloud smiled at that. "It's none of my business."

"I promise, it's okay."

"Well...those 1sts you were talking to, and the general..."

"Yeah?"

"Were they...talking about Commander Hewley?"

Of course, I had been an idiot not to realize sooner that Cloud must have heard about Angeal's relationship with me, as well as his desertion and alliance with Genesis. The details may have been restricted information, but the broader facts were common knowledge. Hell, even my nickname was. Cloud had probably known about it and feigned confusion to be polite. Cautious of his anxiety, I kept my expression calm and my voice light as I answered.

"Uh-huh. He's my mentor, and more than that, as you probably know already. Why?"

"It's just, um..." We had reached the cadet dorms and the door to Cloud's room, and he really looked like he wanted to dash through it.

"Spiky, it's okay. Tell me."

He looked at me with those impossibly blue eyes full of sympathy, and whispered, "I hope everything works out for you and him."

As soon as he got the words out, Cloud flinched, like he was afraid he'd be reprimanded. I stared at him for a moment, heart swelling, and then I couldn't hold back any longer. I stepped forward, put my arms around him and drew him to my chest. Cloud tensed for a second and then hugged me back, determined to make me feel better. If I'd still had any doubts that Cloud was strong and caring enough to love Sephiroth, they melted away in that instant. But I wasn't resolved to protect him only for Sephiroth. Maybe I already knew deep down, as I know now, that Cloud will be the one I die to save.

__

zfzfz

As it turned out, Cloud was fine with heights as long as he wasn't moving any more or faster than the steady ascent of an elevator. Modeoheim was only accessible by helicopter, and even on the launch pad I saw him turning faintly green. He bravely assured me he was fine, and I introduced him and Cadet Gowry to Tseng. Tseng in turn introduced us to our pilot. To my slight disappointment, it was not Reno, but a wiry man with shoulder-length brown hair, large sunglasses that reminded me of frogs' eyes, and the name Chyren. We boarded and belted in, Cloud and I side by side facing Tseng and Gowry.

Tseng noticed Cloud's discomfort. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, sir. I just get motion-sickness, sometimes."

Tseng took a plastic-wrapped capsule from a compartment near the cockpit and handed it over. "Take this, it'll help."

Cloud glanced at me, and I nodded. "Thank you, sir."

"No need. It's the reason we have them."

Tseng then began to go over our mission objective, carefully choosing his words in the presence of cadets. If we encountered any genuine opposition, we would alert Team B, who would be waiting under cover of the woods outside the village. We, as Team A, would investigate the reactor for signs of Commander Hewley and Dr. Hollander. If possible, they were to be captured, but Tseng admitted that was unlikely to happen and we would more likely just force them to retreat without time to transport any equipment. Clone-making equipment, I knew, though Tseng didn't specify.

Cloud looked at me anxiously when Angeal's name was mentioned. I smiled to tell him I was okay, but he seemed, again, to have something he needed to say but couldn't. I got us through the flight (and me through an inescapable feeling of impending doom) by telling stories of the missions I'd done, carefully leaving Angeal's name out. When we landed, we had ahead of us a short walk to the village, which had been hastily evacuated. That bothered me. I thought, afterwards, when I could think again, that it seemed like a pretty obvious warning that we were coming...maybe Sephiroth ordered it, for that reason. But I think it had actually just reminded me too much of Banora. The meadows where Sephiroth had played reduced to a blackened wasteland. The sickly-sweet scent of burning apples. Angeal leaving me again.

Cloud kept up with me much easier than Tseng and Gowry, so it was no problem to walk ahead with him. Once we had a fair lead (in spite of my needling the others about being slow-pokes), I said "What did you want to say, back in the chopper? And don't say nothing."

"I wanted to ask...what do you want me to do?" he said softly.

"Just stay close to me, be alert, follow my orders. Common-sense stuff."

"No, I mean..." Cloud looked at me, anxious again. "I'm sure I wouldn't be any help fighting or capturing Commander Hewley, but...if we see him at all, do you want me to pretend we didn't?"

It took me a few seconds to process what Cloud was doing. A new SOLDIER cadet, at the top of his class, was offering to conceal important information from ShinRa, to risk expulsion for me. For a heart-clenching moment I thought of Colin Moray, killed for letting his feelings for me get him tangled in this mess. I couldn't let anything like that happen to Cloud.

"Spiky," I said, aware that my voice was heavy with emotion, "thank you. But I want you to answer honestly if anyone questions you about this mission. They probably won't, but still."

He nodded. "Okay."

"You would really lie to the company for me?"

"We're friends, right?"

"Right!" I grabbed Cloud around the waist and pulled him close with one arm, and playfully messed up his hair with my other hand. "Friends for life. And we can trust each other with anything, right?"

Cloud wriggled out of my hold and pouted, but he nodded again. I saw a chance here, and decided to take it. But I would have to build up to it carefully.

"I guess you know what Commander Hewley is to me." Yet another nod, sympathetic now. "We won't be able to capture him, even if I was willing to try. Angeal thinks he's doing the right thing for me by staying away. Who knows, maybe he's right. But it's hard. We haven't even had much time together. For so long, I was a cadet with what seemed like an impossible crush."

Cloud's steps faltered for a moment, and his eyes left me for a few seconds, though he quickly put them back and continued listening to me with interest.

"I pushed him and pushed him to get this relationship," I went on. "I probably made a fool of myself so many times...but if you're not willing to do that every now and then, nothing great will happen, right? I knew I loved him, and even before I was sure he loved me, I felt sure that fate had brought us together for something."

"Wow," Cloud whispered.

"I think, when two people are meant to be together, it can happen, no matter what stands in their way. Even if it seems impossible at first."

"I'd like to believe that," Cloud said, barely audibly.

"Ugh, listen to me, rambling. So, what did you think of Sephiroth?"

He froze for a moment, mid-step, but quickly shook it off and smiled. "Um..."

"He's amazing, isn't he? And hot."

"Zack!" he said loudly, shifting uncomfortably.

"What? You don't think so?"

"You-You can't talk that way about the general."

"Why? Everyone does."

"They shouldn't. He's a person."

Was I testing Cloud by saying these things? I don't think it matters. He was passing with flying colors, though.

__

zfzfz

Once inside the reactor, we agreed to check in regularly on our phones and split into two groups. Tseng and Gowry would check the two lower floors, Cloud and I would handle the two upper. The entire area had been oddly free of monsters, and the reactor seemed deserted, but I told Cloud to keep close and I kept myself alert for anything my enhanced senses could pick up.

As we rode the elevator up to the third floor, I picked up movement and voices coming from the direction in which we were headed. I hoped for Angeal, but what I saw was Genesis, sword drawn, and Hollander backing away from him.

"Stay here," I murmured to Cloud, and as soon as the doors opened, I sprang out and jumped between them, using the Junior Buster to hold Genesis off.

"Come to play, Puppy?" he said with a smirk. "I'll be with you as soon as the doctor gives me my gift of the Goddess."

"You can't kill me!" Hollander was insisting. "Who will stop your deterioration then?"

"Jenova cells. 'The power of the Goddess will be given to her champion, the one to battle her counterpart.'"

"You don't know where the Jenova cells are kept! Hojo won't tell you, no matter how much you've helped him sabotage me!"

Genesis smiled coldly. "Maybe I should present my case to Hojo's prize subject, then, and explain it all to him."

Hollander let out a dismayed wail and made a run for it. I had to keep Genesis at bay, so I was prepared to let the doctor go. I didn't count on Cloud's instinct and impulse to help. His speed brought him into the room in time to yell "Wait!" and grab hold of Hollander. He only held him for a moment before the doctor broke free and ran off, and maybe realizing he'd disobeyed an order, Cloud froze behind me.

Fuck, I thought as Genesis caught sight of Cloud and smiled.

"What do we have here?" he said softly. 

**To be continued.**


	30. Die In Returning

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 30 - Die In Returning**

 

"Zack," Genesis went on, "aren't you going to introduce me to your little friend?"

"Spiky, stay behind me and do not look at his eyes!"

"Zack, what's going on?" Cloud asked, sounding frightened.

"Don't worry, just do as I say."

"Isn't this sweet," Genesis murmured. "The puppy is growing up, and now he has a little pretty of his own. I think I'll sample you both."

"Like hell," I growled.

"Oh, the puppy wants to fight first? All right. When I have you disarmed and on the floor, heart pounding, I'll take good care of you, and the little boy."

Just as fear speeds up blood flow and releases adrenaline, anger acts on mako in a similar way. It enhances speed and reflexes even further, putting the body in a state of battle frenzy. The trick is to use it without letting it take you over completely. There are some fights that can't be won by swinging wildly, berserker-style. Genesis's threats and my own humiliating fear of him tempted me to just fly at him without thinking, but I had to keep my mind sharp. I had to protect Cloud, no matter what the cost.

Genesis's deterioration had slowed and weakened him a little, but he was still a 1st Class and an elite SOLDIER. I was actually surprised at first by how well I was able to withstand him. He must have felt the same, because each time our swords crashed together and we would both press forward until someone relented or broke the hold, his eyes looked me up up and down. I avoided them, but the way they were undressing me was dangerously distracting. No longer red, they glowed with the same poisonous green I'd seen in Angeal. Could that sentient darkness be the Jenova everyone kept mentioning?

"Strong for a frightened child, aren't you," Genesis whispered. "Why fight me? Don't you remember how good it felt?"

"Shut up."

"Are you holding back, the way you did when you were a cadet? I won't hold back. Not with you, and not with the little boy."

I growled and flung him back, motioning Cloud to get against the nearest wall. In my brief glance at him I saw the terror on his face, and wondered if this was what Angeal had felt during the battle that led to Genesis's supposed death. I wasn't afraid for myself. I thought of Cloud, unrestrained but huddled against the reactor wall like I had once been, scared as I had been. I couldn't let Genesis touch him.

We fought, and Genesis's blows grew progressively weaker and clumsier. A dark scowl twisted his face as he saw defeat approaching, and he foolishly put his last burst of strength into an assault that I blocked easily, sending him flying back and slumping down onto his knees.

"'One will rise above the others and become the Goddess's champion,'" he said with difficulty, struggling to hold himself up. He fell forward onto his hands and tried to prop his body up with them, looking at me with a defeated expression. "Or is this what truly lies at the end of a monster's path?"

"We're not monsters," I heard myself say, thinking of Sephiroth and Moray and Malakh again. Of Cloud, two years from now. "We're SOLDIERs! Damn it, Genesis, what happened to you? What happened to the friend that Angeal and Sephiroth wanted to save?"

Genesis forced himself to his feet, using the extended wing as leverage to steady his weak frame. He began to walk backwards, half stumbling, toward the rail that was the only safety measure against the steep drop into blackness. I followed, but slowly, thinking that in his current state I could maybe capture him...find Hollander and bring him back to ShinRa as well...make him figure out a way to help Angeal...

Genesis reached the rail, lifted off his feet and into the air, hovered over it as his wing flapped tremulously. I stopped, put up my hands to tell him I wouldn't come closer, but he only smiled grimly.

"'Nothing shall prevent my return, the champion swore. Even when the path to Her is hidden from me, whatever threatens Her, I shall vanquish. Until the end...'"

He spread his arms wide and leaned back. The wing folded uselessly, and though I ran to the railing as fast as I could, the only thing I caught was a glimpse of him disappearing into the dark.

"Genesis," I murmured, feeling sad without knowing exactly why. For him? For Sephiroth? Or only for Angeal and myself?

"Zack?"

I looked up. Cloud was approaching, tentatively. I waved him over and he ran to me, looking worried and saying "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, Spiky, fine," I said, squeezing his shoulders. "Are you?"

"Yes. That was amazing. Was that, uh, the Genesis that people talk about it? The 1st Class who went missing?"

I nodded. "Don't worry. He's gone now."

Tseng came into the room at a brisk pace, with Cadet Gowry on his heels, and approached us. He must have guessed something had happened from the anxiety just beginning to lift from Cloud and me (Turks are good at reading emotions), because he gave me a disapproving look.

"You didn't check in."

"Genesis has been eliminated." Tseng's eyebrows rose in surprise, but only for a second. "Hollander was here, but he's probably long gone by now."

"Understood. We've found no trace of the doctor's equipment. Have you?"

"No, but...look, Tseng, could you take the cadets back to the helicopter?" I asked. "I just want to make a quick sweep of the top floor, make sure I didn't miss any equipment."

If Tseng saw through my lie, if he sensed what I was really expecting to find, he mercifully didn't call me on it. He did say, "You should not go alone, even with Genesis out of the picture."

"There are no monsters up there," I said quietly. Whatever had been made of the man I loved and felt close by, I could never apply that word to him. "Just give me a little while. If Hollander is still here, he's probably hiding. If he thinks we're gone, he might come out."

"Let me go with you," Cloud pleaded, surprising me, because it wasn't like him to speak up like that.

"Thanks, Spiky, but nothing's gonna happen. I'll just do a quick search and meet you guys at the chopper. Tseng and I have a responsibility to keep you two safe, and I think you've had enough excitement for one mission," I said lightly, looking at Cloud.

Tseng wasn't reassured, he observed me with a serious frown. "You also have a responsibility to those who care for you to keep yourself safe. Remember that."

"I know." And we know, I thought, thanks to Reno, that I can't die yet. "C'mon, Commander, let's not turn this into an argument over which of us has seniority here. It could become an interdepartmental nightmare and ruin all that SOLDIER-Turk cooperation you've worked so hard for."

Tseng shook his head, exasperated, probably used to this feeling from Reno. "If I don't hear from you in twenty minutes, I will signal Team B."

"Okay, okay. Thanks."

I wanted to be annoyed with Tseng, but it wasn't usual for a Turk to try to interefere in a SOLDIER's business like that. He must have been worried about me. Turks know everything, that was the general belief. Did Tseng know that Angeal was a danger to me? Maybe Sephiroth told him.

As soon as they were on their way (and Cloud stopped looking back at me anxiously), I took the elevator to the top floor. It was smaller than all the others, mostly consisting of three or four good-sized, nearly empty rooms. As I looked up I remembered that this reactor had been the one built specially to experiment with solar power and the possibility of using it to operate some of the machinery. It hadn't worked out as planned, and whatever equipment had once been stored up here was long gone. The skylights dotting the roof remained, offering rectangles of the afternoon sky, but the glass was shattered from many of them. Genesis? If he didn't respect living and growing things, why should the breaking of glass bother him?

The feeling of foreboding grew stronger, but my feet carried me almost unconsciously to an open doorway and into another large, vacant room. Not entirely vacant. Angeal was there, facing the wall opposite me. I approached slowly, not rushing to cling to him as I always had before. Maybe if I only look and don't touch, I thought desperately, he won't send me away.

When Angeal spoke, it was softly, and something I hadn't expected. "Do you remember the night you cooked dinner for us? Your mother's chicken and rice recipe?"

I nodded, not thinking that he couldn't see it. I didn't write about that, did I? I guess I have to keep some memories only for myself.

"It was perfect," he went on, meaning the food or the night or maybe both. "You knew exactly what you were doing, I saw that right away. But I couldn't help hovering and trying to do things for you."

"I never minded." My voice sounded strange to me, choked.

"Because I meant well. I love you, so I tried to protect you more than you needed. Intention matters, Zack. But it's not the most important thing."

I started to step closer, then stopped when he buried his face in his hand. "Angeal," I whispered, feeling like I was turning to stone from the heart outward, but Petrification doesn't hurt...

"I was watching, before. I wanted so badly to swoop down and fight that battle for you. To hold you and hide you from everything, as I've always wanted since the first time I saw you. But again, you handled it on your own. You did well, Zack. You've become so strong."

"Angeal." There were a million things I needed to say, but his name kept rushing to my lips, like a plea or a prayer.

"I couldn't beat Genesis, myself. I can't keep from becoming the same monster. I'll only hurt the people I care for, as Genesis did."

"Genesis was the monster, not you," I argued, again. "Why else would the project be called G, what else could it stand for?"

"Gillian," a voice answered from the shadows, and Hollander stepped into the light, with a desperate gleam in his eyes. "The woman whose cells, exposed to Jenova, were passed to Genesis and Angeal."

"What did you do?" I meant to shout this, but it came out as a whisper.

The doctor's shoulders slumped. "Gillian's blood defficiency was also passed to them both. It was dormant, not cured. Jenova's influence in them woke the illness and twisted it into a desire to drink blood. Angeal resisted longer, because his nature is not cruel, and because some of Gillian's acquired immunity to the defficiency after it was treated passed only to him. To the child she carried. Not to Genesis."

"How could you do this?" I demanded, my voice getting louder now. "All of you?"

"For science. Gillian knew the risks, but she loved you no less, Angeal."

Angeal turned to us at last and fixed Hollander with a warning glare. "Do not speak my mother's name."

"But you can fix it, right?" I asked Hollander, forgetting for a moment how I hated him and looking at him hopefully. "You can save him!"

He shook his head regretfully. "I cannot undo what I've done. Hojo was right. Direct exposure is the only way. I was never willing to take the same risks as he. Not with a woman I..."

Hollander trailed off, looking wistfully at Angeal, who didn't seem to hear. He looked out into empty space, then up at the sky where the clouds had turned a faint, unobtrusive gray, and murmured "It won't happen with Sephiroth." He spoke this like a mantra, though he said it only once. At least he had that reassurance.

"No," Hollander agreed. "There is no blood defficiency in him to create a predator, no sickness that the blood tries to placate and never can. The Jenova cells in him are fused so well to his own that they don't seek to spread and find new hosts. He cannot make clones, but he will not deteriorate. Hojo has won."

"Zack." Angeal was looking at me solemnly. He waited until my eyes met his, though he seemed as pained as I was when they did. "Sephiroth can never know this. I'm counting on you to be there for him. I'm counting on both of you."

"Why are you talking like you won't be with us?" I asked, though I hadn't had much confidence that I could convince him to return.

"I must be stopped, Zack, before I lose control completely. ShinRa knows it, I know it, and you must accept it. The army can't do it, nor the Turks. Only you."

"No," I croaked. "No."

"For me, Zack. I would rather die honorably, as a SOLDIER, than be executed as a traitor or gunned down as a rogue experiment."

"No." My eyes filled and overflowed, but though Angeal recoiled from this like someone had punched him in the stomach, he was not dissuaded. "I love you."

"And I love you. And I can do nothing now but hurt you, and everyone else. You will remember I was not only a monster, Zack," he said with quiet certainty. "You will free me from this. It's time for you to be the hero you wanted to be, ready or not. I'm so sorry."

"I won't. I can't!"

"You must. Aren't there other people you want to protect?"

My mind flashed images in quick succession, the faces of Cloud, Sephiroth, Aerith, Malakh, Reno... When I looked miserably back at Angeal, he saw the answer in my face.

"What about the blond boy you were protecting from Genesis?"

I smiled weakly. "Cloud. I've been wanting to tell you about him. It's the most amazing thing - "

I stopped there, and I think my heart did too, for a moment. Angeal's face changed in a way that I had seen before, and each time hoped I would never see again. The sympathetic brown drained from his loving eyes, and toxic green filled the emptiness, empty itself but for an ancient, primal darkness, a desire to destroy everything and recreate the black void it came from. Its hold on Angeal was strong, I knew, stronger than ever before. Only one thing could break it, and it would shatter me as well.

"Amazing, is he? He must be to have you so devoted to him. Your heart has strayed, hasn't it, little puppy? You've...been...bad."

"No," I protested, back away instinctively as he slowly stepped closer, "it isn't like that. Sephiroth - "

"Sephiroth too?" the thing in Angeal growled. "Your love goes away, and you become a whore for all of ShinRa, is that it?"

"Angeal - "

"You've forgotten who you belong to, Puppy. I have to punish you now. They will all die, and you'll watch them die, and then you'll submit to me, obey me as you always have."

"No," I said softly.

"What did you say?"

"No. I won't let you hurt anyone. I won't let you hurt Angeal anymore. And I will not let you touch me again."

There was a flicker in the green, surprise or uncertainty or even fear, I had no idea. I still don't. The Buster Sword was drawn, and I felt myself take my own weapon in hand. I don't know where Hollander went, or the rest of the planet, or the part of my brain that knew how I would feel once this was over. I was thinking only that I had to get this thing out of Angeal, I had to punish it for what it had done to us and keep it from hurting anyone else.

Movement from all sides distracted me for a moment, clones who had come out of nowhere and were rushing past me to Angeal, merging with him somehow in a burst of glaring white light. "Angeal!" I yelled, one last bit of denial and refusal spilling out of me before I could stop it. But he was gone, and in his place stood a monster, something that looked beyond my level and horrible and inhuman.

I knew what Angeal would have said, that finally his outside reflected his inside. Maybe he had done this to make it easier for me. I don't think I would've been able to defeat Angeal as he truly was. However much I knew what had to be done, I imagine myself fighting for a little while, then thinking of his fingers entwined in my hair or his lips crashing into mine. I might have thrown myself into his arms, damn the planet and everything on it.

I was more skilled than I had ever realized. It must have been an awesome battle to witness, if anyone had been watching. I remember nothing of it except for a few flashes of my sword arcing through the heavy air, and the room in swirls of color as I moved like my own weight was nothing. It might've been any fight, against anything. When it was over, for a second I expected Angeal to turn the VR simulation off and lift the visor from my head, cup my face in his hands and give me his fond, gentle smile.

He was smiling at me, in fact, and he was back to his old self. But he was lying on the floor...there was blood...the Junior Buster slipped from my fingers and clattered onto the ground. I dropped to my knees with a wail I didn't recognize as my own, and threw my arms over him and pressed my face against his chest. His hand went to my hair, petting it, and I was sobbing so hard that I barely heard him speak my name.

"Zack, look at me." He looked so peaceful. "Thank you, Puppy. You did well."

"Angeal." I touched his face, pushed his hair back from it, maybe thinking that he couldn't go away if I kept my hands on him. "No."

He pulled me to him with what strength he had left, kissed me, tried to soothe me the way he always had. "You've become the SOLDIER I always knew you would. I'm counting on you for the rest."

"I want to go with you."

"No!" he said loudly, firmly. "Promise me. Live for me. Be the proof I wasn't only a monster. Promise me."

"I promise," I wept, leaning over him, clutching him, barely able to keep from collapsing at his side and never moving again.

Angeal's hands cupped my face, brushing at my tears, cradling my cheeks with the tenderness he had always shown me. "My angel," he murmured. "My message of the gods. You were the answer to a prayer I didn't know enough to offer."

I closed my eyes, trying to stop the flood of tears so I could see him more clearly. His hands withdrew, and when I looked I saw the hilt of the Buster Sword in one of them, holding it up to me. Speechless, I accepted it, and he smiled. It was still heavy, maybe because everything was.

"Reno can see things before they happen," I blurted out. "I'm gonna die when I'm twenty-five, that's what he saw that day while you were yelling at Tseng. So it won't be too long..."

Angeal stared at me sadly. "When it's time, I'll come from the Lifestream for you myself. But I hope he's wrong. I won't mind if you're a little late."

"Sephiroth's in love, I think," I said desperately, either needing to say all I had to say while there was a chance or trying to hold on to him a little longer. "I'm gonna help him. I'll watch over him, I promise."

Angeal smiled again, looking radiant in his peace and certainty, despite the broken body he was nearly free of. I kissed him again, and I could feel his tears mingling with mine and his hands weakening as they caressed me. He was going, I could sense him going.

"Angeal..."

"Love you...Zack."

His arms went limp and fell from me, landing gently at his sides. His head tilted slightly to the left, and his eyes shut. With a terrible cry I collapsed onto him, locking my arms around his, pressing my face into his torn and dirtied sweater. My ear was against his heart, reaching out for the sound that had always comforted me, always slowed to a relaxed pace when Angeal had me close and knew I was safe. I caught only the last few weary beats before it went silent.

"I can face anything if I know you're all right," Angeal had said to me, and a hundred other loving things. I think I was going into some sort of shock. Over the next few minutes, I stopped crying, and the inside of me went quiet and still, like a room full of people afraid to speak above a whisper. My mind was clear, eerily calm, like what I'd felt after Colin Moray's death but so much stronger, I wondered absently if it would ever break.

The clouds overhead had continued to darken, and drops of rain began to fall through the broken skylights like tears, like the heavens were weeping for me when I couldn't myself. I touched the chain and pendant I wore dangling from my belt. Rain is a symbol of purity, Colin's ghost whispered from my memory. It was washing the blood and stains of battle from Angeal, and from me, and the sword I had dropped nearby. I put it at his side, like the weapon of a vaquished king, and sheathed the Buster on my back. It would become easier to bear, I thought, even if nothing else does.

What to do about the body? If I didn't get back to Tseng soon, he would send Team B in or come himself, and what if someone decided to take Angeal back to ShinRa, where Hojo...no, I couldn't let anyone come in here. Would Angeal dissolve and disappear the way some monsters...no, what was I thinking? But Hollander would likely come back here, and he would take care of the body, as he would have Genesis's if he had really been dead that first time. Even if he didn't, better that wandering beasts take Angeal's remains than it fall into the hands of the man he hated most.

I kissed Angeal one more time, telling myself again that it would only be seven years until we were together again, willing that reassurance to reach my grief through the shell of shock that surrounded it. Seven years, practically a lifetime. I felt the weight of every one of those 2,555 days threatening to crush me as I stumbled out of the room. Could this be a nightmare, I asked myself, will I wake up screaming in the dark to Angeal's embrace and pounding heart? No, I had to admit, and the shell cracked a little. The snake was coiled between my heart and stomach again. It would spring when it wanted, and I couldn't fight it. "Don't fight what you need," I had been gently ordered, before I knew real grief or loss, or strength.

Somehow I got back to the chopper, where they were waiting. Cloud jumped up as I approached and was about to run to me, but Tseng held him back and shook his head. As Cloud watched me with alarm, Tseng watched me with scrutiny and growing horror. When I got close enough, he took in my expression (which must have been frighteningly blank behind my drying tears and red eyes), my zombie-like shuffle, and the Buster Sword I wore. He nodded, shoulders slumping with pained acceptance. He wouldn't make me talk.

Gowry was already in the helicopter. Tseng gestured Cloud to sit opposite him. Then, gently and with a few murmured words I didn't process, Tseng guided me inside, holding me up like he expected me to fall, and sat me down next to Cloud, buckling me in himself as you'd do for a child, as I watched with blank detachment. He sat down across from me, called something to Chyren, and we lifted off.

Something that wasn't nausea churned inside me. I looked at Cloud beside me, into his worried eyes, and it sprang. Cloud put his arms around me and held me tightly, and I hugged him back and sobbed on his shoulder so hard that I don't know how I didn't break apart. The flight back felt like an eternity itself. The arms around me didn't loosen once.

**To be continued.**


	31. Lullaby

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 31 - Lullaby**

 

Time passes differently when you're crying as hard as I was. It either flies, or slows to a crawl, or doesn't seem to go by at all. On the one hand, I could've been slumped on Cloud's shoulder for years, sobbing until my chest pulsed with a sharp pain and my eyes were swollen. But it might have felt the same if the trip had lasted only seconds. Cloud never spoke all this time. Even when we landed and I sensed Gowry and Tseng slip past us, he showed no sign that he ever planned to let go of me or move from this spot.

A few minutes went by, and someone approached us noiselessly. Cloud tensed but made no other reaction. My sobs had faded into soft crying, so I was able to hear Sephiroth's quiet voice.

"It's all right, Strife. I will look after him."

Like you promised, I thought. But I wasn't supposed to hear that, just like nothing was supposed to happen to Angeal.

Sephiroth's arm looped gently around my middle, pinning one of my arms to my side while he grabbed hold of the other, and he lifted me off of Cloud and out of the helicopter. I opened my eyes but only to look at the blurry ground, though I caught a glimpse of Cloud's boots as he stumbled after us.

"Sir, will he be okay?"

"In time, yes. Don't worry. I'm sure Zack will see you as soon as he's feeling better. You can go, Cadet. Thank you."

"Of course, General."

Sephiroth's voice was so light and gentle, he never spoke to anyone like that. I had wanted Angeal to hear and see this miracle for himself. Why wasn't he here, I thought as Cloud touched my shoulder and reluctantly left.

"Why aren't you here," I whispered.

Sephiroth said nothing. Keeping me at his side and almost in front of him, he began to walk me, still holding my arms down like he thought I would lose it and attack someone. Fair enough. He moved at a steady, patient speed as I shuffled forward in the direction he turned me, with my head drooping and my sore, leaking eyes fixed on the ground. We went down in an elevator, and the way his grip kept me steady drew a choked sob out of my throat. The fingers clutching me tightened briefly.

We walked over concrete pathways and thick grass, with the muffled sound of muted voices all around. Occasionally they would get louder for a moment or two, and footsteps would approach us urgently. Sephiroth would shake his head (I could feel his hair sliding against my shoulder) and whoever it was would back off.

The breeze of the outside shifted suddenly to the cool, filtered air of indoors, and the grayish cement beneath my feet became black marble with a thread-like gold pattern, and I knew where we were. There were angels overhead, other messengers of more merciful gods, and I hated them. They weren't real, because they would never die. I didn't want to look up and I don't think I would have, but for whatever reason I struggled a little against Sephiroth. He was unperturbed, of course, and merely quickened his pace toward the elevator.

We went up a long way, near the top of the building, I guess. The ornate hallway we stepped out into had only a few doors. Sephiroth pressed his thumb to a small pad beside one of them, and the door opened. I looked up numbly at the apartment we entered. It was huge, furnished all in black and silver, with decor and furniture that was plain but clearly expensive. I would have been wildly curious any other time to see where Sephiroth lived.

He dragged me directly to a large bathroom, all black marble and gleaming silver features, and held me up with one arm while he turned the shower on and adjusted the water.

"Can you manage this on your own?" he asked, and I nodded dumbly. "Good. I'll bring you some clothes."

As soon as I felt the steam and saw the clean water pouring down, I felt an urgent need to be under it, to wash all the evidence of this day away. I peeled off my clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor, and stepped in. I shivered at first, then turned up the hot water until I stopped. My eyes were still sore and blurry, I had no hope of reading the labels of the various bottles, so I grabbed a random one to scrub my body with, and lathered the contents of another into my hair. The scent of vanilla filled the humid air first, then something floral. Floral, flowers, things cut down and strewn on the ground to decay. Love torn out of the heart, leaving only the broken roots to mourn. I couldn't think straight. I leaned against the cool wall, shivering again, and let the water spray directly down onto me.

Sephiroth returned after a while. He seemed reluctant to be near me, but when he saw I had no intention of moving, he reached into the shower and turned the water off. The towel he put around me was enormous and fluffy, and mechanically I used it to dry myself, trying to ease the cold that settled into the wetness of my skin. It took me a few minutes, but Sephiroth waited, then helped me into a pair of black silk pajamas that I swam in, like a kid trying to wear his father's clothes.

Finally, I looked him in the eyes, vaguely annoyed by his calm and ashamed of that, because I knew the calm was a lie. "Sephiroth," I whispered. "They're...I..."

"I know." He put a small bottle in my hand. "Drink."

I shook my head slowly. I wasn't hurt, nothing beyond a few scratches and bruises that the mako would heal by the next morning anyway. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at me and repeated the order. Lacking the strength to argue, I swallowed it all, noting that it didn't taste exactly like a Potion. As soon as I finished, he took hold of me the same way as before, holding my arms down, and walked me to the other side of the apartment, into what looked like a comfortable and rarely-used guest room.

"They're..." I tried again. He knew already, from Tseng or my behavior or his own instincts, but I felt I should say the word. I owed him that word, at least, returning home with the blood of his dearest friends on my hands. And here he was, taking care of me. The tears returned so quickly that they were already sliding off my face before I noticed them.

"It's all right." Sephiroth nudged me into the bed and tucked a blanket around me, and the softness of the pillows made me realize very abruptly that I was tired enough to drop off right there. "You will sleep. You will not dream."

"Sephiroth," I moaned, wanting to tell him he should hate me, but my eyelids slammed down like coffin lids, and I took refuge in the blissful, unknowing dark.

__

zfzfz

One little-known effect of mako is that it sensitizes and improves your body's internal clock. I felt, when I woke, that it was very early morning, maybe around two. 2:13, according to the nightstand clock. I never for a moment thought it could have all been a dream, however bizarre it was that I felt relaxed when I should have been screaming, that I was wearing Sephiroth's pajamas, that I hardly stumbled at all as I climbed out of the bed and padded barefoot into the apartment's main room.

The left wall was broken up by several tall windows, and moonlight poured through them into the living room area, touching the dark and reflective with a glow that made me think of magic the first time I saw it performed. How beautiful it was, how unexpectedly not scary. I hadn't expected it to be as natural as sun shining through spring leaves, but it was.

Sephiroth's hair caught my eye, star-colored where he sat on one of the couches, his back to me. He was slightly hunched over, always odd to see him with less than perfect posture, and he was holding a picture frame in his hands. I didn't need to look closely to know what photograph it was, but I kept drawing nearer and nearer anyway. I wanted to hug him, to tell him he could lean on me. I would've settled for putting a hand on his shoulder, but he shook his head as I reached out.

"Please," he said, unsteady for the first time in my hearing, "do not. Don't touch me."

I dropped my hand at once, cursing myself. Of course. He had handled me only as much as he absolutely had to. While we walked, he had held my arms not because I might attack someone, but because I might've tried to hug or cling. Angeal. Sephiroth had only let Angeal touch him. I was an extension, maybe a legacy. I could never be a replacement.

I circled around, knowing that he was keenly alert to my every movement though he didn't seem to be, until I was facing him and he gestured that I should sit down on the opposite couch. Sephiroth was dressed as I was, as though we were patients in the same hospital ward, and it was a strange and disarming sight. If the blank mask he wore over his grief made him look older and immovable, the pajamas breathed the human back into him, and even intimated something of the child who'd been lost before that photograph was taken.

"Sephiroth," I croaked.

He looked at me kindly, with a sadness that we could talk about, at last. "Do not apologize. You gave them both the only thing that could save them."

I rubbed at my eyes with the back of my hand. Sephiroth reached out and offered me a neatly folded handkerchief, which I accepted. It had been sitting in wait on the coffee table, like he'd been expecting me. I wondered why he had such a thing, and if he'd ever needed it.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"What was that stuff you gave me?"

"A Potion mixed with a tranquilizer that suppresses dreams. I have some left from...years ago."

Could Sephiroth have had nightmares? It seemed incredible and, considering what I knew, completely understandable. I remembered him asking me once...and I wondered if Selatacyn really did cause bad dreams, or if it was rather the things that were done to him while the drug kept him still. In the midst of my own pain, maybe his was a distraction. I wanted to fix Sephiroth, make him touchable and hug him, bring he and Cloud together.

For a few minutes we sat quietly, saying nothing. It was a strange and terrible comfort to be with someone who felt as lost and alone as I did. At length he looked up, and began to talk again.

"Angeal was proud of you. He would want you to know he loved you." Sephiroth halted here and sighed. "I am sorry. I was never good at speaking of such things. Angeal..."

"He lived for us," I said softly. "You and me. We were what mattered most to him."

"Angeal was..."

Sephiroth's voice trailed off. He either didn't have the words or couldn't bear to say them aloud, but he didn't need to. I could see in his eyes how broken he was feeling. I think Angeal's death may have hurt him as deeply as Hojo had. I wanted him to know I understood, even if saying it was taking a risk.

"I know you loved him, like he loved you. And he knew it too."

Sephiroth didn't seem surprised that I would dare say this, he only nodded slowly.

"You really don't hate me?" I didn't mean to say it, but the question lurched out of me like bile.

Sephiroth looked at me seriously, with a hint of genuine confusion. "Angeal preferred an honorable death to the life he was facing, the danger he was becoming."

"I know, but - "

"I would have accepted you for Angeal's sake, whatever my opinion. I did not need to like you, but I...it is difficult for me to express. But as you have said, we are friends, correct?"

I smiled at him weakly, tearfully. "Yeah, we are."

"I am sending you to Costa del Sol," Sephiroth said abruptly. "I want you to understand that it is I who am doing this, not ShinRa, though the company would almost certainly make the order if I did not."

"But...why? For what?"

"You need time."

"There will never be enough time," I argued, but without much feeling, lest I break down again. "I don't want to be away from Cloud and..."

I'm sure he heard the "you" I didn't say. "Just for a few months. You will be allowed to continue your training, and after the first two weeks you may take part in patrols to eliminate fiends. This is neither reward nor punishment, Zack. Merely something that must be done."

"Please don't do this," I whispered.

"If I let you continue on with your duties here as though nothing has happened, you will hold back your grief to keep it out of the way, and it will return to you in full and devastate you when you least expect it. Perhaps in a critical moment, and cost you your life. I cannot allow that."

"I'm all you have left of him," I murmured, understanding.

"He would want me to watch over you."

"I was about to say the same thing to you."

Sephiroth's eyes widened just slightly, then he offered something close to a smile, and nodded. "Very well. You should go back to sleep."

"Can I...I mean, if you're gonna be up...can I maybe stay here with you for awhile?" I asked, feeling stupid. "You don't have to talk or anything."

"If you like. It is hardly the proper time, but I promised to show you something, once..."

I nodded. He got up and was gone for a few minutes, and in the meantime I glanced around the room, noticing that though the place was elegant in a cold way, there were almost no personal touches. Probably it had been designed for Sephiroth in his trademark colors, without his input. Tseng had told me, after all, that the general would have rather been in the plainer White Building, near his 1sts, near his friends. The only indication I saw of who lived here (aside from the color scheme) was the photograph Sephiroth had put down when he stood. He and his best friends, the day they became SOLDIERs preserved in a silver frame. And Sephiroth alone had never been anything but a 1st, never been allowed even the illusion that he was one of a group.

When he came back, he first put a cup of tea down in front of me - I thanked him and took a few sips - then took his previous seat across from me, with the coffee table between us.

"Colin Moray was fond of telling stories," he began. "Did he tell you about Cadet Kaeru, whose unfortunate reaction to mako caused him to hallucinate and flee to the Main Courtyard fountain?"

I nodded. I felt strange, calm, like I was separated from my own body and mind. I was supposed to be screaming, but I couldn't remember why. I would remember soon, if the feeling in my stomach was any indication.

"I wish now that I had shown these to him while there was still a chance."

Sephiroth's long-fingered hands spread a thin stack of photographs out on the table, and my mouth dropped open. There, preserved in time, was a stranger in a cadet uniform, younger than me, standing in a proud, ridiculous posture in the waters of the fountain, with a crowd gathering that grew with each picture. There the cadet was splashing the lab assistants who were trying to coax him out, with his ankles together and his feet fanned out like the tail of a fish. There was Dr. Hojo angrily approaching, elbowing his way through the crowd, and there he was recoiling as one lilypad was hurled at him. Two, three, and with each picture his face grew redder, and one lilypad landed perfectly on his head and soaked his ponytail and dripped all over his glasses. I laughed as I examined this sequence of events, a sound I had nearly forgotten, as I approached the last photograph.

It was Sephiroth, directly in front of the cameraman, holding out his hand with a serious, expectant look on his face. The shot had been taken abruptly, I guess, because it was at an odd angle, showing Sephiroth, but including also two figures who were just behind him and to his right. Genesis, blue eyes alight with amusement, about to hide a beaming smile behind his hand. And standing close to him, trying hard not to laugh, was...was...

My laughter ended in a choking sound. It's all clearer now than it was at the time. My lips moved but made no sound, unless the beating of my heart (mocking, mocking) and the crushing noise of blood pounding in my head were louder than I thought and coming out of my mouth. Angeal, Angeal, had I truly forgotten for those few minutes? My chest seized up with pain, like heartache is a real ache, my eyes burned like I was weeping acid instead of tears, and a terrible wail was beginning to come out of me. Softly first, slowly growing louder. It chills me to remember, like the keening of a wounded animal.

"Nnnnggh..."

Sephiroth sat down on the coffee table to face me directly. "I am sorry," he whispered.

"Nnnnnggh..."

I lifted my hands, probably to tear at my hair or claw my eyes, anything to take the pain from inside and make it external, so there was some hope of it healing. Sephiroth caught my wrists and held them down, and I rocked back and forth where I sat, moving to the rhythm of my heartbeat as it counted out the seconds of this agony. Angeal is not here Angeal is dead I'll never touch him again he'll never hold me again never his lips never his eyes. Seven years to go, seven years alone when I couldn't bear another minute. I couldn't scream, couldn't explain this, only make the noise.

"Nnnnnnnnggggghhh..."

I began to struggle, without knowing why, trying to free my hands and stand up, trying to kick when that didn't work. Sephiroth calmly shifted my wrists to the grip of one firm hand, then grabbed the cuffs of my pajama pants so tightly that my ankles were locked together and immobilized. He lifted my legs up and shifted me so I was laying on my side on the couch, and held me there, looking down with a sad, determined expression. I struggled as hard as I could, but it was as futile as a fish out of water flapping against the boards of a pier.

"Nnnggh! Nnnnnnggh!"

That horrible sound grew louder and louder, the room spun and occasionally disappeared altogether as my eyes tried to release the tears as fast as they made them. My stomach shook and then my whole body, even as I continued to fight Sephiroth's careful grip. Firm, but not painful. He wasn't hurting me, he was making me face my loss. Making me live as he always had.

"Nnnggh! Nnnnnnnggh! NNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHH!"

"Stop fighting it," he whispered.

"ANGEAL!" I screamed, and broke into sobs that shook me even harder than before.

If I'd had anything in my stomach but a few sips of tea, I'm sure I would have thrown up. After a few minutes, Sephiroth released my wrists and ankles and I curled up as tightly as I could, maybe thinking if there was less of me there would be less pain. My hands clutched the pillow I had been placed on and I buried my face against it, only pausing my crying to take in a gasping breath when I needed to.

Vaguely, I sensed Sephiroth's hand hover uncertainly for a moment before it descended and began to smooth back my hair. It felt nice, but it wasn't Angeal, and never would be again. Maybe an hour later, I was exhausted and reduced to weeping quietly, too drained to struggle or move or do anything but lay there limply. When Sephiroth's hand withdrew, I weakly looked up and blinked.

He was draping a blanket over me and then sitting right back down, brushing my hair out of my eyes one more time as they began to unwillingly close. The moonlight would soon fade into morning, but it was still bright, and it illuminated every feature of his ageless face. I was drifting off and it's possible I imagined it, but I could swear I caught a glimpse of wetness in his eyes, tears saved up over a lifetime and still not permitted to fall.

**To be continued.**


	32. I'll Shape Your Belief

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 32 - I'll Shape Your Belief**

 

I knew I couldn't change Seph's mind about Costa del Sol. All I managed to do was get him to delay my departure for about a week. I didn't want to disappear without a trace, that would have encouraged rumors. I'm sure people were already whispering that I was losing it, especially those who had seen me when I returned from Modeoheim.

My first thought was to reassure Cloud. I invited him up to the apartment (I couldn't think of it yet as mine) one evening and ordered pizza, though neither of us seemed to have any appetite. I kept smiling to show that I was okay, and he kept doing the same to me. It was painfully obvious how hurt I was, and how worried he was for me.

"I'm so sorry, Zack," he said at last.

"It's okay..."

"No, it's not. It's unfair."

"Yeah. Well, you know what they say. Is everyone talking about it?"

Cloud nodded reluctantly. "Just rumor, mostly."

"They're saying he was a monster?"

"But he couldn't have been," Cloud said confidently. "If you loved him he must have been a great man. We used to hear stories about him from the 1sts and 2nds, about how brave and honorable he was, but now everyone seems afraid to talk about it..."

My stomach lurched. I leaned forward and folded my arms over it, trying to breathe quietly and deeply at the same time.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have - "

"No, Spiky, you didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to pretend that he, that...Angeal never existed or never meant something to me. I don't want to forget him. I don't want anyone to forget him."

"You could...I mean, if you want..."

"What?"

Cloud smiled hopefully. "You could tell me about him."

I wanted to thank him and decline. It was too soon, it was too painful, it wouldn't change anything. Those excuses floated through my mind, and Cloud would have understood. But instead I found myself talking. This is the story I told.

__

zfzfz

The Turks had gotten intel that AVALANCHE was planning to rob and vandalize Artie's, a successful materia shop in Sector 8. We had an approximate time, and since the Turks didn't have as much manpower or a very good track record dealing with AVALANCHE, the job fell to SOLDIER. Angeal, three other 1sts and I were stationed around the store, Lt. Gowry to its right, Lt. Haskell to its left, Lt. Kaplan behind. Across the street from the storefront, Angeal and I crouched in wait. It made me laugh that he could grumble that Artie had better not let on anything, and run his fingers through my hair at the same time.

"Angeal, wouldn't it make sense to have Kaplan in this position? Since he's the shooter and all."

"I would prefer not to shoot a man without warning, even if doing so wouldn't start a panic," he said softly. "Besides, we take them alive whenever possible."

"Good," I whispered.

"Keep close to me, Pup. Just because these targets are civilians doesn't mean they're not dangerous."

"I know." It didn't hurt that Artie was a nice old guy, that SOLDIERs were frequent customers of his and we considered him a friend.

Angeal was doing the zoom view. He tensed suddenly, and grabbed his open phone. "Targets sighted. Stand by."

"What?" I said eagerly. "Where?"

He indicated two people who were lingering in front of the bar beside Artie's. One was a young blonde woman, wearing a coat too big for her that she frequently shifted. The other was a man of around the same age, dressed all in black except for his camouflage fatigues. They were trying not to appear anxious, which of course made them all the more conspicuous.

"Be advised," Angeal continued quietly into his phone, "Target A is an unidentified female, probably recently recruited, possibly armed. Target B appears to be Axis, junior member of AVALANCHE, known favored weapon is the throwing knife. Proceed with caution. Stand by."

"Only junior members?" I complained.

"We'll take what we can get, Pup." Axis and the woman were slowly moving toward Artie's. "Targets aproaching front entrance. Begin Maneuver A."

I watched them, trying to be as intent and observant as Angeal. I envied his focus, when I wasn't wishing it could only be on me. He was as quiet and graceful as a cat getting ready to spring on its prey, and his eyes hardly seemed to blink, so absorbed was he in paying attention to the matter at hand. It was hard not to drift into thoughts of how much I adored and wanted him, but I resisted. After all, I wanted to make Angeal proud.

Axis opened the door to Artie's, and put his hand on the woman's arm as though to usher her in first. But then he froze, stepped back and looked around, his movements erratic. The woman did the same, her panic discernable even at a distance.

"Damn," Angeal swore. "They made us, intercept!"

Quick as lightning, Haskell emerged from the alley and grabbed the woman. She slumped against him in defeat, or maybe even in relief. Axis took off down the street, darting between bewildered pedestrians. Angeal was up and giving chase, hissing orders into the phone, and I with him. It was exciting. Not as much as fighting, but it was wonderful to feel the effects of mako in action, how I was able to run so fast and so long without getting winded. And of course, every mission was a chance to prove myself to Angeal. I would be obedient this time, I wouldn't mess up like I had at the reactor.

The crowds thinned as we went further on. I still wasn't very familiar with every section of Midgar, but it seemed that we were on a dead-end street leading to a railing that overlooked the train tracks. Sure enough, as we were closing in on Axis, he leaped the railing, and Angeal, Kaplan and I looked down from it as Gowry tried to get down another way.

Axis got to his feet and stumbled to the near-empty train's open door. It was due to depart any second, and those trains are controlled by computer. There was nothing we could do but watch; for whatever reason, Angeal wouldn't let either of us jump. Now that I think about it, Angeal always seemed reluctant to have me anywhere on a mission without at least two 1st Classes near me, so maybe that's why. I would have given him hell for that at the time, if it had occurred to me.

Strangely, Axis didn't board right away. He hung on the open door and glared hatefully up at us. I knew AVALANCHE condemned ShinRa and hence SOLDIER, but the anger in his voice still shocked me.

"Planet-destroyers! Tools of evil!" he yelled. "We will put a stop to your crimes and your unnatural existence!"

A muscle tensed in Angeal's jaw, but he murmured, "Do not respond. Kaplan, prepare."

Kaplan was half in the shadow cast by the archway above us. He slowly edged further back into it and, once concealed, drew his Sniper CR, checked it and began to aim.

"Do you ask what the theft of mako does to the planet?" Axis continued to rant. "Do you question your power-hungry company at all? This is your world too that you let them suck dry, the world of your children, like that kid right there, that you've pumped full of the planet's lifeblood and brainwashed with your lies! Don't believe them, boy!"

"At will, Lieutenant," Angeal whispered, barely moving his mouth.

Kaplan did nothing. I glanced at him, and his eyes were wide and his face pale. Impossible, I thought, he's a 1st, but he seemed to be hesitating. Maybe even frozen.

"Why do you drive us to violence? We only want to protect the planet from those who rape Her and use the Lifestream, the memories of our ancestors, for war and conquest! Look into your hearts and think for yourselves! What deserves your service more, the man who signs your paychecks or the world that gives you life?"

"Kaplan," Angeal prompted tensely, but it was no good. Axis's impassioned speech was getting to the lieutenant, his gun was trembling and beginning to slip. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't think what the right thing would be, and I wasn't sure it was my place.

There was a rumbling groan as the train started to life, and Axis ducked triumphantly through the closing door. The train sped away from the platform just as Gowry emerged onto it and cursed loudly, clenching his fist and yanking his phone from his belt to await Angeal's orders.

"All team members, we return to the pick-up point."

Kaplan's arms were hanging limply at his sides, one clutching his weapon, and he looked absolutely anguished. "Sir, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened, I have no excuse - "

"We will discuss it later," Angeal said shortly. "Move out."

On the van ride back to headquarters (with the woman handcuffed and crying and Haskell trying to reassure her), I wanted to ask Angeal what was going to happen. But it seemed rude, and with Kaplan right there looking so miserable and angry with himself, I hated the thought of him being disciplined, even if he deserved it. He was a new 1st, just promoted from 2nd, and I knew that Angeal thought well of him. Maybe that's why Angeal looked so serious. I snuggled against him, wanting him to feel better, and he smiled and drew me closer, resting his chin silently on my head.

Angeal was often pensive after missions, and I always tried to give him a little while of peace with his own thoughts. This time I managed to hold back until that night, as he came into the bedroom where I was already waiting.

"Are you very mad at Lieutenant Kaplan?"

"No," he said, but that wasn't much of an answer. Angeal never stayed mad for long, his even temper always won out.

"Isn't what he did serious? Disobeying an order?" I prodded.

"Had Kaplan willfully refused to comply with an order, he would be subject to disciplinary action or court martial, and I would be angry," Angeal explained, stripping off his shirt (which distracted me nearly enough to forget what we were talking about). "As it is, he froze."

"Because he was listening to Axis's words, and they made him wonder if he was on the right side?" Angeal nodded. "Isn't that insubordination too? Being swayed by anti-ShinRa propaganda, even for a minute?"

Angeal smiled patiently and sat down on his side of the bed. "SOLDIERs are not machines, Pup, nor should we be. Technically, I should report Kaplan's mistake, because it cost us a target. But I can't order my men to never doubt. To doubt is to be human. And to err."

I smiled with relief. Angeal must have known I had been worried, because he wasn't surprised. I slid closer to him, and he moved back and stroked my cheek with his fingers.

"ShinRa can demand loyalty in our actions, it has that right," he mused, "but if it can't let its SOLDIERs think what we want, it would be as bad an organization as AVALANCHE claims it is."

"So you're not gonna reprimand Kaplan?"

"For a SOLDIER like him, failure itself is enough of a punishment. He will learn from this to separate his feelings from his work, motivated by his wish not to fail again."

"I understand," I said, sighing with contentment as his hands touched my bare stomach, then my waist. "I think I'd be devastated if I disappointed you."

"I know you won't," Angeal said gently, smirking. "But if you do, I'll make sure you learn. I have special punishments for bad puppies."

"Really?" I purred. "Maybe you should give me a demonstration, you know, as a warning."

With a playful growl, Angeal seized me around the waist and yanked me onto his lap. He flipped me over as I shrieked in mock protest, and he bent me over his knees.

__

zfzfz

"And from there on, I'm afraid, it gets pretty X-rated."

I had gotten caught up in the story and taken it a bit too far. Cloud's eyes were wide and there was a rosy tint to his cheeks. The way he smiled and uttered a nervous laugh to cover his embarrassment was so cute. I would have pulled him into my lap and squeezed him like a doll if he wouldn't have yelled at me for it.

"I wish I had known him," he said softly, sincerely. "He must have been amazing."

"He was. He would've liked you. He would've smiled and encouraged you and said 'Puppy, why can't you ever be quiet and serious like that?'"

Cloud shook his head. "No. He loved you the way you are. Everyone does."

I nodded automatically, shifting my gaze to the floor. It hurt to imagine what might have been, but I couldn't help it. Angeal alive, relieved to see the humanity Cloud brought out in his dearest friend, gossiping and conspiring with me about what we could do to push them together. Angeal would beam softly and insist that they be allowed to move at their own pace, but he would be as eager as I to see our friends happy as he and I were happy. To see that Hojo hadn't really won.

My eyes started to fill. I felt the cushion beneath me shift, and the warm weight of Cloud beside me. He carefully put his arm around me, and I turned and hugged him. Cloud gave such good hugs. He's small, but soft and warm, and he doesn't let words get in the way of a moment. As we separated, he looked into my face and smiled.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," I said quietly. He looked surprised. "Honestly."

"Maybe you'll never know. Friends for life, right?"

"Right! I'll even get loaded and embarrass you at your wedding."

Cloud looked down, hair falling to hide his face, and mumbled "I don't know."

"You'd invite me, right?"

"Of course. I meant, I'll just probably never..."

"I got ya," I said, "marriage isn't for everyone. But I get to intimidate anyone you're ever with. Best friend's privilege."

"I probably won't..." he started to say, then trailed off, shifting uneasily.

"What?" Cloud's low opinion of himself upset me, but I kept my voice light. "Yeah you will, don't be silly. You're perfect."

He laughed at that.

"Spiky," I said seriously, "people aren't all...they can like you and not, y'know, bother you. You shouldn't let a few assholes make up your whole experience of that."

I expected him to be shocked, but he just shook his head. "It's not them, it's me. I can't..."

"What? Can't love? I know that's not true. Everyone can love at least one person." Even Sephiroth can love Angeal, and Genesis, and me, I thought, and you.

"But maybe not more than one," Cloud whispered, more to himself than me.

My heart was pounding. I ordered it to be quiet, but it didn't listen to me any more than Angeal's ever had. I put my hand on Cloud's hair and ran it up and down his back, trying to comfort him. He was trembling like a baby bird left in a nest alone. I wondered if I should just apologize and change the subject, but...

"Spiky," I said gently, "is it Sephiroth?"

He made a soft sobbing noise and put his head down on his knees, wrapping his arms around himself. I slid over a bit and pulled him closer to me, as much as I could. I let my chin rest on his shoulder and spoke quietly over his crying.

"Hey, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. It means you think he's human, for one thing, and a lot of people don't. Aw, Spiky, don't cry, please?"

Cloud lifted his head reluctantly, and I brushed away his tears as Angeal had done for me. I wanted to kick myself. As much as I wanted to get he and Sephiroth together, was anything worth putting that sadness in his eyes? Cloud reminded me so much of Angeal's flowers, set down to make a place beautiful, or Aerith's, softly glowing a pure light, living longer when they were loosed from the planet and allowed to roam. Or maybe every flower, every protective instinct one had ever stirred in me, had only been a preparation for Cloud.

It's hard to believe in fate. It makes you wonder things like - if I was meant to love this person, is it really me loving him, or just some part of a plan? Are my feelings worth anything if they were decided by some invisible force, maybe before I was even born? Can I truly not conceive of life without this person, these people, because I love them, or because this is the way things were always meant to be? Questions like this fell away everytime I thought of Angeal, or looked at Seph or Cloud or Malakh or Reno. Love counts as long as you care for what you love more than any plan. And I always did.

Cloud smiled weakly at me, sniffling as I handed him a tissue. "You won't tell anyone, will you?" he whispered.

Damn it, I thought, but I answered immediately. "Of course not. But Spiky...what if he felt the same for you?"

"Please don't. That could never happen."

"But what if - " His chin quivered, and I stopped. "All right, I'll drop it. But you shouldn't be so down on yourself. You're amazing."

He laughed a little, again, not in an amused way. I put my fingers to his ribs and tickled until he let out a long giggle and squirmed away, curling up protectively until I backed off. Cloud wiped his face dry and gave me a brave smile.

"I should go," he said regretfully, "or I'll miss curfew."

"Okay." I hated to see him go. "I probably won't see you before I leave tomorrow."

"I'm gonna miss you," Cloud said softly, his big blue eyes still wet.

"Me too...but it's just a couple months. I'll call you, and you can call me anytime, okay?" That year, ShinRa had begun issuing phones to cadets, not just SOLDIERs. "And when I get back, we'll spar and do stuff and see each other lots. SOLDIER's honor."

He looked much better, happier. "Okay."

I walked Cloud to the door, telling myself he'd be just fine. He was getting along well with the other cadets, Sephiroth would be around at a distance, and of course, the general had the instructors keeping an eye on him. Just as Angeal had had the 1st Classes guarding me. That might have been the first time I sensed the circle, sensed how I had inherited Angeal's protective nature and stepped into the role he had tried to play for me. Would he be proud that I was doing it platonically? Doing what he had failed to do? 

As we reached the door, Cloud hesitated and turned back to face me. "Um, Zack..."

"Yeah?"

"If you want...when the other cadets talk about Commander Hewley, I can tell them the things you tell me. So people will know what he was really like."

Be the proof I wasn't only a monster. That was Angeal's last order to me. I would live, and I would remember him, not the monster that Hollander made and that ShinRa wanted to forget. I was the answer to Angeal's unspoken prayer, and maybe Cloud was the answer to one of mine. He looked at me, a little nervously, but all sweetness, all the purest intentions. Intention matters, my memory echoed, in my voice and Angeal's together. But it's not the most important thing. Actions are, I guess, that must have been what Angeal meant. I would have told Cloud, but the determination in his eyes made me think he already knew.

Instead I hugged him one more time, and murmured, "Thank you."

When Cloud had gone, I wandered through those rooms, alone yet again. Probably not for very long - the 1sts who looked out for me checked in regularly. I appreciated them filling the space and the silence, but sometimes I kind of liked it. I could hear my own laughter and ecstatic cries here, feel the ghost of Angeal's hands still trying to comfort.

The Buster Sword lay against the bedroom wall, untouched since I first took it off, probably placed there by Sephiroth. I took it in hand, welcomed its weight, and in one try spun it perfectly. Angeal would be proud, I thought, correcting myself immediately: No. Angeal is proud.

**To be continued.**


	33. Your Father's a Thief

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 33 - Your Father's A Thief**

 

Under any other circumstances, a person would have to be crazy to complain about being forced to spend a few months in Costa del Sol. It's a little piece of paradise on the coast across the sea from Junon, a town that's mostly beach and beach houses with friendly villagers and a relaxed atmosphere. Appropriate for such a popular vacation spot. I couldn't deny the beauty of the place - soft golden sand, clear blue water - but I didn't want to take it easy there or anywhere else, and I was determined to whine my way back to Midgar. Or try to, at least.

I had been so busy being with Angeal and then losing him to realize what a prized asset I had become to ShinRa. The auburn-haired Turk, Cissnei, was at the ShinRa beach house when I arrived, and she let it slip to me that the president and Sephiroth had had a meeting specifically to discuss me. I wanted to know more about that, but she became tight-lipped then, seeming to think she'd said too much. And when I complained that I hadn't been able to get in touch with Lazard, she looked startled and worried. I half-heartedly used my charming smile on her, and she explained.

"The executive director disappeared a few days ago," Cissnei said. "To avoid charges, probably."

"Charges?"

"It turns out that he was secretly diverting funds from the company to Dr. Hollander," she answered, nodding grimly at my shock.

"But...why would he do that?"

"We don't know. We're searching for him. Maybe we'll get lucky and find them both together."

"If Hollander is found, I want to help bring him in," I said, feeling furious just thinking of all the damage that man had caused.

"I'll pass that along to Tseng." I thanked her, and she smiled at me for such a long time that I was about to question it, but then she spoke again. "We're all very sorry for your loss."

We were standing on the private beach, where I had been doing squats because I needed to do something, and she had emerged from the large house in a bikini that I suspect she was trying to catch my attention with. I looked away from her, out at the ocean, wondering if I would cry now as I had been doing every night. I didn't like the way she was always staring at me, it felt like more than the probing of an on-duty Turk.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"I know you don't want to be here. But it may be good for you to be away from the company for awhile, to regroup and not have to worry about duty again yet."

"But I want distractions," I complained. "I don't want to sit here and pretend I'm getting over something that I never will. It hasn't even been a week yet and I feel like I'm going nuts. I want to know what's going on at ShinRa, not be protected like I can't handle anything. I want to know what everyone is thinking."

"No one could know that but each person himself," Cissnei said thoughtfully.

She was a nice girl, but I wasn't in any hurry to make new friends. She was the first of my assigned baby-sitters, though of course ShinRa pretended they were all just employees who happened to be taking their vacations. Officers of the ShinRa army were always around on guard, but my fellow guests (though I saw myself as more of a prisoner) came and went like glimpses of the outside world I had been shut away from. Cissnei was there for only a week, and if she left earlier than planned at her own request, I don't blame her at all. I wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs, moping around, hardly talking, sometimes refusing to eat or leave my room for a day or more at a time. The guy from the lab who came once each week to administer mako to me expressed concern that I had lost weight, so I started eating more, not wanting news of my behavior to get back to Sephiroth.

He was one of the few people I genuinely wanted to see, but though I kept hoping, he never dropped in. I called his cell and never got an answer, and contacting his office only put me in touch with Lieutenant Keiga, the general's assistant. Keiga was sympathetic and very kind to me, but whenever I asked for Sephiroth's location the answer was always the same - that information is classified. Had Sephiroth left any message for me? He had - he wished me to be patient and rest, he would call if something came up I needed to know about, he would see me as soon as possible, my cadet friend was excelling in his classes, he hoped I was doing well. That's a lot of care to get from Sephiroth, but I still occasionally felt annoyed at him. If he could jump right back into work after Angeal's death, he should have given me the same opportunity. Maybe he felt awkward after my display of grief in his apartment? I was a little embarrassed about that myself, but not so much that I wanted to avoid him.

If Sephiroth knew how desperately I was trying to reach him, he might have - out of pity - had something to do with the choice of my next housemates. I was having a bad day when they arrived, curled up in my dark bedroom aching for Angeal's hands, and could barely summon up a smile for them. Chase stood in the doorway, watching me sympathetically. Malakh came to lay down on the bed next to me and ran his fingers through my hair.

"I'm so sorry, baby," he whispered, and without thinking I edged closer and let him hold me. I found myself telling him in a whisper the circumstances of Angeal's death, and drifted off to sleep to the sound of his voice saying everything would be all right.

The next day I dragged myself outside to swim with them and encourage Chase's mostly successful attempt to cook lunch for us on the barbecue grill. It turned out that Chase had found the blond girl he'd been searching for; her name was Maya and they were thinking of getting married next year. I had to ask to get this information, I guess because they figured it was a bad time to talk to me about love. I was happy for Chase, though, and told him so sincerely. When I questioned Malakh, he said he'd had a brief fling with Lieutenant Sada, but it hadn't been anything more.

"There's only so much kink I can take, and Gaia only knows where that ball-gag has been," he said idly, same old Malakh, though he didn't flirt with me the way he used to.

"Maybe you need someone older," I suggested. "More mature."

"Yeah, maybe. Or someone younger that I can train to my liking. I know you frown on the jailbait thing, Zacky, but I saw a cadet the other day that I would risk prison for. I mean, he was ridiculously beautiful, just this side of Sephiroth."

I frowned. "What does he look like?"

"Spiky blond hair, big blue eyes, face like porcelain." Malakh sighed dramatically. "Maybe he'll at least let me stare open-mouthed at him till he's legal."

"Touch him and you and I are through," I said seriously. "More than that, I'll break your hands."

"Just on principle, or is this personal?"

"You remember the friend I told you about? Cloud?"

"Aw, fuck, really?" Malakh said, crestfallen. "Dude, no fair. You didn't tell me he's delectable."

"I'm serious."

"Off-limits, I got it. But you need to stop making friends with all the hottest tail. I've got needs, you know."

"And issues," I sighed.

"Everyone's been worried about you, you know. We all heard what happened, but Sephiroth and the 1sts wouldn't let anyone near you, and you locked yourself up and wouldn't see anyone..."

"And then I got exiled here," I finished softly. "I wonder what the next stage of grieving is."

"Is it too soon for acceptance?"

"I have no choice but to accept it."

"Acceptance means wanting to live, baby."

"I have no choice but to live. I promised him."

"But you don't want to." Malakh sat down next to me on the stairs leading to the front door. "Do you?"

"No," I whispered, and he put his arm around me and pulled me to his shoulder. Sometimes the horror of it hit me out of nowhere. "Oh Gaia - "

I broke into sobs that shook me nearly out of even Malakh's tight hold, and had to put all my concentration into continuing to breathe so I wouldn't pass out only to wake up to this same emptiness. The cold sweat on my face made me shiver, a prelude to the rising nausea. I jerked forward, vomited a rope of unpleasant colors onto the sand, then stared at it like I was fascinated, even though I had already thrown up a couple times that week. Malakh patted my back and wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"I guess that tells Chase what you think of his cooking."

I made a bitterly amused croaking sound as he passed me a bottle of water. I was comforted a little by his presence, and Chase's, but I wanted Angeal. I knew I couldn't have him, so I tried compromising with myself, asking for the ones who made me feel closest to Angeal. I want Sephiroth. I want Cloud. I hadn't realized I was actually saying this until I heard Malakh snickering.

"I heard that," he said appreciatively. "I'd take either, but my newest fantasy is gonna feature both. Thanks, Zacky."

A dry noise came out of me, like coughing but clearer. I didn't recognize, at first, the sound of my own faint laughter.

__

zfzfz

I wasn't too upset to say goodbye to Chase and Malakh. I was grateful for their support and distraction, but I'd been ready for them to leave. I could tell Chase had no idea what to say to me, and Malakh was persistent in trying to free me from my misery. I wasn't ready to let go of it yet.

I knew the pattern by now - someone new would arrive the next morning, early. So I was pleased but not shocked to step out onto the beach and find that Reno had come. I wouldn't normally have been shocked, I mean, except that I heard his voice softly say "Hey, Zack", but when I looked around I didn't see him anywhere.

"Up here."

I stepped back toward the door and looked up. There was a wide wooden awning, supported by posts, that sheltered the house's deck from the sun. Reno was stretched out beneath it, holding himself casually in a position that didn't look terribly comfortable. I couldn't even imagine how he had gotten up there.

"What are you doing? Get down here before you hurt yourself."

"Ssh! I'm fine. I've gotten in and out of more difficult places than this."

"What are you doing up there, though? And why are we talking so softly?"

"'Cause I might have accidentally switched Tseng's shampoo with something I bought at a joke shop, and I don't want him to find me."

We both heard footsteps within the house, and the door opened. There was Tseng, stepping out and nodding to me, wearing his usual immaculate suit even in this non-work environment. I was about to speak, but then I realized that the darkness around his head was not a shadow, and my mouth hung open. Tseng's black hair, normally gathered into a neat ponytail, was sticking straight out at every possible angle, like he'd been given a major electrical shock and had his hair gelled to stay that way.

"Good to see you, Zack. You need not pretend not to notice. I'm quite aware of how I look."

"Uh, right. Hi, Tseng."

"I see Cissnei was right, it's not doing you much good to be stuck here. I'm sure Sephiroth will get you out when he can, when he has the time to begin another debate with the president. You can be assured that I will lend my voice to his. The 1sts may riot if they don't soon see for themselves that you're all right."

I wasn't sure what to question first. "Debate?" was the first word that sprang to my lips.

"I expect Reno will tell you all he knows," Tseng said dryly. "You haven't seen him, have you?"

"Um..."

"Well, if you do, tell him to enjoy his time here, because when we get back to Midgar, he's grounded except for duties for a week."

Tseng smiled, let his eyes flicker upward for the briefest moment, and went back into the house. Reno wrapped his feet around one of the posts, let go with his hands (for a second I was certain he would fall) and climbed, upside-down, back to the deck so quickly that I jumped to find him beside me. Those posts were cylindrical, polished stone, perfectly smooth. If I really needed to ascend or descend one I could do it, but I'd have to rely on my SOLDIER strength to maintain the tight grip I'd require. Reno didn't have that, and yet it seemed effortless for him.

"How the hell do you do that?"

He smirked at my amazement. "Dunno. I've just always been able to. Thanks for not giving away my location."

"I'm pretty sure he knew you were up there."

"Really? Damn. Tseng's so hard to hide from, I swear he's got eyes in the back of his head."

Reno strolled over to the shaded area of chairs that faced the water. I followed and took a seat next to him.

"Things are tense at ShinRa," he said. "Tseng said that he never realized before how much balance was maintained by the presence of the best SOLDIERs. Everyone seems uncertain without them."

"What about Sephiroth?"

"He hasn't been around much. When he's not involved in the search for Hollander, he's training night and day with the 1sts and 2nds or disappearing from our sight. No one can be that tireless, not even him. If he doesn't slow down they'll have to lock him up here with you."

"I wouldn't mind that," I said softly. "What was Tseng talking about before, about Sephiroth arguing with the president?"

"Oh, that. It's about you."

"Me?"

Reno nodded. "You defeated two of the biggest threats to ShinRa, both Genesis and Angeal." He paused here and, when I didn't fall apart, continued. "The prez and the execs running SOLDIER at the moment want you moved to 1st Class. Sephiroth is saying no, not yet, though I don't know why."

I was pretty sure I did. "He knows it would hurt me to be promoted for killing...for doing what I did."

"More human than people guess, huh? Yeah, I thought so."

"What about Lazard's disappearance? You know anything about that?"

Reno didn't say anything for a minute, staring miserably out to the horizon where blue met blue. The place they touched reminded me of Colin's eyes, and Cloud's, so I both loved and hated to look at it. I waited, giving Reno time, and then...

"It might be my fault," he said quietly. "I was just trying to help. Tseng won't even yell at me about it, which feels worse, in a way."

"What are you talking about?" I wanted him to keep speaking, to drown out the ghosts of Angeal and myself, me trying to take the blame for Moray's death and him asking what a kid like me could possibly have done.

"I don't only see things that haven't happened yet," Reno said softly, looking down at his feet. "Sometimes it's things that are happening, secrets that most people don't know."

"Like when you were worried about me and Angeal."

"I'm sorry about that."

"You knew how it began between him and me, didn't you?"

"Yeah. But then Tseng saw that you were in love with him, and I realized it was that same feeling Angeal had for you. So I let it go."

"Thank you," I whispered. "What about Lazard?"

Reno let out a long, slow breath. "You gotta keep this to yourself. He's the president's son."

"What?"

"Yeah. Illegitimate. The mother was abandoned while she was pregnant, and Lazard was advanced quickly up the ranks of the company, maybe out of guilt. Or maybe arrogance. The prez has a high opinion of his own blood."

"You told Lazard this?"

"I told Rufus," Reno corrected with a heavy sigh. "He felt awful, and rushed to tell Lazard about it, to try to make it up to him. He told me the guy was devastated, refused to discuss it."

"That's what the vice-president was doing in Lazard's office that day," I said, mostly to myself. "That's why they were both so distracted. But it's not your fault. You and Rufus were both trying to help, right?"

Reno nodded. "Rufus issued orders that Lazard be captured on sight, not harmed. But it's like he's vanished completely. Damn it. I don't care if Tseng says it's unique and special, blah blah. I wish I was just normal."

"There must be a reason for what you can do."

"It's not to prevent tragedies from happening, that's for sure," he said bitterly. "What I see can't be changed."

"When I asked you if you saw me losing Angeal that day in Wutai," I asked hesitantly, "and you said yes, you didn't mean him going with Genesis, did you? You meant me...killing him."

Reno leaned forward and hugged his knees, making himself small. "If I could have done something...I thought you and he should at least get to be happy until then. And I always hope I might be wrong."

"But you never are."

"No."

"I'm glad I know what you told me, now. I know I won't have to live a long life without Angeal."

"And you get to be a hero," Reno said sadly. "Spoken like a true SOLDIER. Dying gloriously is still dying, you know."

"Spoken like a true Turk. Anyway, this feels like death. When I'm with Angeal, I'll really be alive again."

"You oughta spend some more time with Aerith. She might make you less depressing." He smirked at my shock. "Relax, she's not something I saw. All the Turks know about her."

"What? Why?"

"You don't now? That girl's an Ancient, the last one left on the planet. We keep an eye on her, make sure nothing happens to her. She didn't tell you?"

"No." But it definitely explained a few things. I still didn't know much about the Ancients, except that they're (nearly) extinct and that they supposedly had a strong link with the planet. "I wonder why she didn't say anything."

"It's dangerous to be different," Reno said, and we sat together in silence for awhile.

__

zfzfz

I felt a bit better those last few weeks. Reno and Tseng only stayed for a few days the first time, but they came back the next month and remained longer. Maybe because I was doing well with them around, patrolling for fiends more often, hiding in my room less. Reno and Tseng were amusing to watch, with Reno constantly being mischievous and Tseng being all parental and unable to stay mad at him. I talked on the phone to Cloud more often too, and during one conversation he told me, half confused and half thrilled, that Sephiroth had visited and observed a couple of his Weapons Training lessons. I think that did more for me than all the days of relaxation in the sun.

"Reno, I told you that part of the roof may not be stable, get down here now!"

"It's fine, yo! Rude lets me climb anywhere I want."

"Don't call me 'yo'. And Rude and I are going to have a talk when we return to Midgar."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

I snickered as I left Reno and Tseng's voices and headed out onto the sand. I had returned from a patrol to find them at it again, and decided to do my squats outside so they could resolve this in private. It usually ended with Reno apologizing and promising to behave better, and Tseng sternly accepting, but I had a sneaking suspicion he didn't really want Reno to change.

Reno came out a few minutes later, holding his innocent and pouting expression as he leaped down the steps and replacing it with a smirk as he reached me. He always had the same comment when he caught me doing squats.

"You look like a lunatic, yo."

I was about to give him a lecture on the many physical benefits of squats, but Tseng came bursting out the front door just then (he was the one who looked insane, wearing a suit at a beach house) and yelled "Look out! Genesis clones!"

They were emerging from the water, two of them, wearing diving suits and flippers. There wasn't time to properly wonder how the hell there still could be any of these things, so I pushed the question aside and prepared for my first real battle since...

Angeal, I told myself. You killed him, you saved him, and not thinking about it won't change a fucking thing.

"Reno, get my sword!"

"What'll you do in the meantime?"

"Don't worry, just go!"

Feeling like an idiot, I grabbed one of the beach umbrellas and brandished it in a battle stance, waiting for them. I panicked for a second, it had been so long since I fought anything but low-level fiends, but as they attacked, it all came rushing back to me. I was holding them back okay, then Reno handed me the Buster and in two slashes, it was over.

Tseng was beside me almost immediately. "I've called for a helicopter. A report just came in - Dr. Hollander was sighted at Junon Cannon."

I stared at him, pleading with my eyes. He smiled.

"We leave in four minutes. Be ready."

__

zfzfz

I leaped out of the chopper before it hit the ground, not hearing the Turks' words if they called to me, hearing nothing but my heart pounding with fury. I raced up the endless flights of stairs like they were nothing, and Hollander must have heard me coming, because the first glimpse of him I caught was through a door that swung shut as he ran. Just like in the reactor, I was faster but he knew the building better. I tore through each floor like a whirlwind searching for him, even ripping a closet door off its hinges.

Finally I burst through the door that led out onto the cannon itself, and there he was, moving toward the edge. He backed away as I approached, and though I didn't know if he was to be terminated on sight or brought in alive, I didn't care. I'd happily throw him off myself, or kill him with my sword, Angeal's sword, Angeal had been warped and betrayed by this man...

Then he was nearly to the edge, and I stopped suddenly, not because I felt pity for him but because I saw clearly in his weary eyes that he felt it for me.

"Don't move," I heard myself growl. "You're coming back to ShinRa."

"I can't," he said, and his voice sounded years older than I remembered. "I must continue. Some meaning, some answer must come out of these tragedies."

"You don't surrender? Would you rather fight? Would you rather die?"

"Ah," he sighed, "even if I had the skill, I could not fight you. Angeal lived for you."

"Don't you say his name," I hissed. "You took Angeal from me! He was just a subject to you, you didn't care!"

"You're wrong, Zack. I loved - "

"I know, you loved his mother, big deal!"

"And I loved our son," the doctor said, in a heartbroken voice.

I froze. A lie, it had to be a lie, but something in his face made me think it wasn't. I couldn't move or react as he stepped calmly off the edge of the cannon, and a clone (one with a white wing, but I didn't register that at the time) caught him. They disappeared into the sky, and I had just enough time to put aside Hollander's claim for now and push the shock out of my expression. A voice spoke up behind me, commanding but gentle, one I had been missing.

"You lost him again, Lieutenant. I may have to put this in your permanent record."

**To be continued.**


	34. Your Spirit

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 34 - Your Spirit**

 

I whirled around, and the teasing smile that greeted me brought one to my face as well. "Sephiroth."

He quickly looked me over. "You look better. You are not as pale as I remember."

"Exile to a sunny place will do that," I said, having to force the pout I made because I was honestly just so glad to see him. "I've been trying to get ahold of you."

"I know. I thought it would only frustrate you further to be told it was not time yet for you to return. I am sorry, Zack. Perhaps I went about this wrongly," he said, his eyes seeming to flicker inward. "But I was only trying to protect you. I made a promise to do so."

I let my expression soften. "I know, and I appreciate it. For awhile, I didn't think I was gonna be okay either. But I still have things to fight for, things I have to protect, and that's what I need to be okay. Let me come back. Please?"

Sephiroth nodded. "I believe you are ready. The 1sts have been concerned for you, and perhaps your return will serve to boost their morale. I have been away much myself recently, and I fear I've not given them as much of my presence as they like."

"One of the Turks said you've been working non-stop," I said gently, cautiously. "Are you okay?"

He looked surprised, but only for a moment. "I am fine, thank you. I do not tire or lose focus easily. I know my limits well enough to decide whether a task is within my capabilities or not and act accordingly."

"Gaia, what robot taught you to talk?" I said without thinking.

Sephiroth blinked. "I don't recall any robots."

"Never mind," I said through my smile. "What I meant was, how have you been since...Angeal's death?"

His silver eyes glimmered with something behind the usual mask. He looked calm, but that meant nothing, and uncertain, either of what to answer or what I meant by the question. I wondered - with a flare of anger - if anyone else had bothered asking it.

"I am fine," he said after a short pause. "I think of him often, which has led me to spend more time tracking Hollander. As you no doubt observed, he is difficult to catch. The clones are always ready to aid his escape."

"Yeah." I did want to talk about that, but not just yet. "Angeal used to say that the best thing for grief is to keep moving. I'm glad you've been able to do that."

Sephiroth stepped closer, and hesitantly touched my shoulder for a moment. "I am sorry I did not allow you to do the same. I will not send you away again."

"Thank you." I felt a little choked up and had to clear my throat. "So, where were you before you came here?"

"Modeoheim. Some of the Genesis clones had gathered there, and I went to investigate."

"I don't understand. All the old clones were wiped out, so how could there be new ones unless - "

"Genesis is not dead," Sephiroth finished. "The equipment Hollander had been using in Modeoheim was stolen. If Genesis has learned how to operate it..."

"He could be making the clones on his own."

"Yes. They have been turning up all over the world, including Midgar and the slums."

The slums. Aerith. With everything going on, I'd nearly forgotten about her, hadn't talked to her since I stopped in to say good-bye. Being an Ancient didn't mean she was more safe; it might even mean the opposite, and with the Turks so busy, was anyone protecting her? My face must have fallen, and Sephiroth, watching me intently, seemed to notice.

"If there is something you need to attend to in Midgar before returning to ShinRa, you have my permission to do so. One of the helicopters will take you back. Just be cautious."

"Thank you."

I knew I should run, I shouldn't waste a moment, but every time I tried to turn away from him, I hesitated. Every time I opened my mouth to speak again, the right words wouldn't come. I looked at him sadly, helplessly, and with a questioning puzzlement he watched and waited for me to explain.

"What is it, Zack?"

"Sir, are you gonna...be around headquarters more now? We haven't seen each other in forever and...well, I kinda...missed you," I mumbled, feeling my face grow hot.

Sephiroth smiled faintly, kindly. "We will see each other very soon. I have things to discuss with you. I promise, I will make time for you."

I grinned, relieved. "You should see Cloud, too. He was really excited about you stopping by his classes, and he's been asking me about you."

I think Sephiroth looked nervous for a moment, but it was hard to tell with so little to compare that expression to. "In turbulent times, I am often encouraged to make myself more visible to inspire the lower ranks. You may be asked to do the same."

"Me?"

"Your name has begun to precede you, Zack. I hope that is something you wanted, because I know of no way to undo it."

He smiled faintly at me one more time, then turned to look out at the amazing view beyond and below the cannon, pensive as though the sight held a special meaning for him. I had to get going and didn't want to disturb him, so I contented myself with calling, "See you soon! I'm gonna hold you to that," and heading back to the roof that the cannon extended from.

Turks and helicopters were everywhere, propellers whirring in wait and phones being dialed and spoken into. Chyren, the Turk who had piloted for me before, offered to take me back to Midgar and I gratefully accepted. But then something caught my eye, and I asked him to wait and moved toward an isolated corner of the roof, nearly hidden from view by the shadow of an electrical tower. I approached almost hypnotically, soundlessly, unable to either hurry or stop.

Tseng's back was to me, and he was too tense to know or care that I was there. He was holding Reno by the shoulders, shaking him gently, and with my enhanced hearing I could tell he was saying "End it, tell it to stop. You are in control here, Reno, you mustn't let it take you over."

Reno's eyes were squeezed shut, his expression a wince of pain, and he rocked on the balls of his feet and whimpered between a rush of mumbled words. "It's no good, someone's blocking it...it won't work...but she's determined to try, she kneels down..."

"Reno, come back. Reno!"

"...the voices tell her what to say, just like they tell her she must fight...but he knows, and he's coming...She won't let him go..." Reno's voice was threatening to dissolve into sobs, but he held it together, like he had to get this out.

"Reno, it's not important, it's not worth this!" Tseng sounded very upset, and worried. "Damn it, why can't I make this stop?"

"...he thinks it's what he wants but it's what She wants, She wants her dead and everything destroyed and the blackness everywhere I can see it - "

Tseng sighed and pulled Reno to his chest, but the kid just turned his head and kept talking, shaking with fear at what he saw. "She doesn't want that one here, that one could save him but he doesn't remember...metal is cutting the air, death from the sky again and she falls and the white is falling, if a soul seeking Holy reaches the planet it will - "

Reno's eyes flew wide open, and he let out a strangled cry. Groaning with relief, Tseng hugged him and said something softly, but Reno was agitated, shifting and shaking still even as he hid his eyes for a moment against Tseng's jacket. He put his arms tightly around the commander while the trembling subsided and he came back to himself. As curious as I was, I didn't want to interrupt this moment and was about to leave when Reno glanced up and saw me.

A look of urgency came over his face and he started to pull away, trying to head in my direction. Tseng held on to him and shook his head. It seemed like Tseng was trying to calm him down, but Reno kept mouthing what looked like "Please, Please", and at last Tseng let go with a heavy sigh and followed as Reno ran to me, paler than usual and with confused fear in his green eyes.

"Zack - "

"Are you okay? It happened again, right?"

"Listen to me, I need to tell you - "

"Reno," Tseng interrupted, "maybe you want to rest a little first, think about what you saw before you decide what it was."

"I know what it was! Some of it, at least. I have to tell him!"

"Tell me what?"

"Aerith," Reno said breathlessly, "I saw Aerith, she's gonna die."

My lungs froze. "What? When, how?!"

"I don't know, it's not clear anymore, but someone you care about a lot will do it. Someone you care about will kill her," Reno said miserably, slumping in near-exhaustion on Tseng's shoulder.

"Don't worry. I won't let that happen, I'll change it!"

"You can't change it," Reno said lifelessly, as Tseng began to run a hand over his hair. "No one can. It's fixed."

"I'll unfix it, then!" I called back as I rushed to get into the helicopter.

__

zfzfz

My SOLDIER speed hadn't left me during the months of exile in Costa del Sol. Thanking Chyren, I leaped out of the chopper before it could land and raced to Sector 5, trying not to think of Reno's prophecy and kicking myself for not keeping in touch with Aerith. If something happened to her, I would never forgive myself. Nothing looked out of place as I reached the church, all was as quiet as the bustling slums ever were. I opened the door and there was Aerith, alive and unhurt, but next to her was...

Oh no, I thought, no, this is too cruel. It was one of the four-legged silvery clones, but its wing was white. I approached slowly, waving Aerith to back away, thinking the white wing didn't necessarily mean -

It seemed enthusiastic about my arrival, and as it lifted its head I saw the small image of Angeal's face on it, just like the one Sephiroth had shown me. I had been slowly reaching for my sword as a precaution, but now my arms fell uselessly to my sides. I knew it wasn't really Angeal, though maybe close enough to make Reno's prophecy true if it hurt her. I knew I should at least chase it away or threaten it, but it was a part of Angeal. I couldn't kill him again. Not for anything.

The clone's ears pricked up, like it was listening to something I couldn't hear. It hurriedly came closer and the white wing descended, and with a strength that surprised me it gently but firmly pushed me behind it. Confused, I went to Aerith and she nodded to tell me she was fine. We watched as the clone stood in front of us, facing the door in a crouch like it was ready to spring.

The door opened suddenly, making Aerith and me jump, and a sinister-looking machine rolled in and began swinging its gun barrels around in search of a target. The clone leaped onto it, knocking it with a powerful paw, and got out of range in time before the machine self-destructed. Aerith ducked behind me, afraid of the noise, but I couldn't take my eyes off the clone. It seemed satisfied, pleased with itself in a calm way. Not obviously proud. Angeal had always been too modest for that.

"Th-Thank you," I said, finding it hard to get the words out.

The clone looked at me, but before I could figure out the expression of its inhuman face, it swayed on its paws and collapsed. Aerith gasped, and I rushed to kneel down beside it and put a Potion to its mouth. It drank and seemed a little better, but there was nothing I could really do for it.

"Poor little thing," Aerith said sadly. "Will that help?"

"Not in the long run. Nothing can stop it from degrading." I pet the furry part of its soft head, and it allowed this, though it seemed to be wary of me touching it. "This is a clone of Angeal."

Aerith kneeled down and also began to pet, and despite my initial fear, it tolerated her calmly. "I see. No wonder it was protecting you."

"Why did you come here?" I asked softly. Its eyes weren't very like Angeal's, but they were watching me with concern.

"Probably looking for you." Aerith was also looking at me worriedly. "I'm so sorry, Zack."

"Me too. I've been avoiding this place, I guess, but I didn't mean to avoid you."

"It's all right. Really."

The clone got back to its feet and sniffed the air. I reached for it, wanting desperately to put my arms around it, but though it seemed sad to do so, it moved away from me and began to walk toward the other side of the church. Tears came into my eyes, and I wondered again if I would ever run out of them.

"But why? Angeal - "

"Because it's not Angeal," Aerith said quietly. "He wouldn't want you to have your heart broken again, would he?"

"I know it's not really him," I said, and I did, but I got up and slowly followed it.

My heart did hurt, though maybe once it's broken it can at least never reach that same level of pain again. The clone had wandered over to the bed of flowers and was sniffing them appreciatively. I cautiously sat down beside it, trying not to sob. Aerith joined us, and plucked a luminescent white flower and held it out to the clone. It took the stem delicately in its teeth, turned and gently set it down on my knee, and its wing lowered for a moment and brushed over my hair and back like a petting hand.

The tears and gasping cries came and I couldn't stop them this time, and the clone lifted off and flew to the rafters above us before I could embrace it. I groped for it pathetically, ready to curl up on the wooden floor and fall apart, but then Aerith was hugging me instead. She was strong for a delicate-looking girl, and embraced me warmly and silently like Cloud did, saying everything she needed to with her sympathetic presence. I should've been embarrassed but I wasn't, not even when we drew apart at last, and she smiled kindly and took out a handkerchief to wipe my face as my mother would have done.

"Don't apologize," she ordered as I was about to.

"Thank you." I looked up to see that the clone was reclining on one of the roof beams, staring down at me.

"It won't come back down. I think it just wants to watch you for a little while."

I would have asked how she always seemed to know these things, but I was pretty sure I knew now. "Why didn't you tell me you're an Ancient?"

Aerith wasn't surprised I knew. But she folded her hands in her lap and looked down at them, and when her voice came it was regretful, and older than she was.

"It's dangerous to be different," she said, and it jarred me that those had been Reno's exact words. "I wasn't worried about your reaction, it's just that it's safer not to tell people. My adoptive mother knows, and she worries about me. ShinRa knows, and so the Turks watch me. I'm sorry. I just didn't want this knowledge to change you as it's changed everyone else who has it."

"It won't. But why do the Turks watch over you?"

"I'm not really sure. I don't think they know either."

It sounded like she was being intentionally vague, but I let it go. "Is this how come you see people so well? Is that part of being an Ancient?"

"I don't really know much about my people," Aerith admitted, folding her legs beneath her. "Just what the planet tells me. But yes, I think it was normal for us to be perceptive about other living things. Do you know a red-haired Turk named Reno? You know what he can do. I can't see the future like that, but I sense things sometimes."

Her mention of Reno made my stomach twist sharply. I would have to decide whether or not it would be right to tell her about his prophecy. "The planet speaks to you?"

"Yes. It's hard to understand, but the voices of the Lifestream have told me things about my people, the Cetra. Mostly they confirm bits of the legends that survived our near-extinction."

I recalled Angeal's mention to me of this, and felt chilled. "It was some sort of virus, right?"

Aerith nodded mournfully. "The Calamity From the Skies, we called it. She came from a great darkness, and is always seeking to remake it."

Darkness. The void the thing in Angeal had seemed to want. "Have you ever heard the word 'Jenova'?"

"No. What is that?"

"Was the Calamity ever called anything else? 'The Goddess', maybe?"

Aerith seemed perplexed. "I suppose she could be thought of as a goddess. Are you sure you're not thinking of Gaia?"

"I have no idea what I'm thinking. What about Loveless, have you ever heard of that?"

"A little. It's supposed to have been the story of the Goddess's - Gaia's, I mean - struggle against her opposite. There are three h  
heroes, but it's not clear which side each of them serves. Why are you asking about this?"

I explained as best I could the bits of Loveless I had heard from Genesis, and his obsession with it. Trying to unriddle his motivations always left me confused, and Aerith didn't seem to know what to make of it either. She did say that the goddess Genesis claimed to serve sounded more like the Calamity than Gaia. Gaia's true champion would protect the planet and its people, not cause the hurt and grief Genesis has.

"He's kind of nuts," I told her. "He thinks the Lifestream is actually the blood he feeds on."

"It's not," Aerith assured me. "The Lifestream is part of Gaia's dream, as we all are. The voices of the dead told me."

"What did they say?"

Aerith stood up and opened her arms, like she was reaching for the sky that frightened her and drawing its strength into herself. When she answered me, it was clearly with the words that her people's voices had whispered to her, and they seemed to rise up out of the distant past to speak through her, their legacy. Their heiress, a birthright that was reflected even in her name.

"'Long before the birth of the Cetra, when mankind was still a fleeting thought in the dreams of wind and water, there was only Gaia, the Goddess who came into being in the cold of a black void. To warm herself, she curled into a ball and clothed herself in the rich brown of sand and earth, the soothing blue of sky and ocean, and the vibrant green of leaf and grass. In this cloak she grew so comfortable that she began to sleep, and from her fantastic dreams emerged all things that grow and multiply to dwell upon the planet she formed, and Gaia was glad of the company, for she had long been alone.

"'The gentle beasts who called her home were unaware of the consciousness at the heart of the planet while they lived, but when a creature died, its lifeforce was drawn into the planet, where it could learn Her mysteries. Over time, these bodiless spirits formed a mass of collective knowledge and power that swirls without end around the center of the planet at Gaia's heart. Like an underground stream, this lifeforce circulates the word of Gaia to all corners of the planet, nourishing life in all its miraculous forms, growing always stronger and more wise as new souls join it."

She put her arms down and smiled shyly at me, a simple flower-girl again. I was comforted by her story, by her faith - like Angeal's - that I would be reunited with him again. But...

"Is that how it will always be? Will there never be an end to people losing each other?"

Aerith looked at me with understanding, and echoed the voices of the dead once again. "'It is said Gaia prophecied that when all the planet's life is finished and has returned to the collective lifeforce, the planet will die and the Lifestream will form a single being made up of many. This god will be Gaia's great work and destined love, and she will never again be alone among the stars.'"

I smiled, glancing up to the clone's protective vigil before I could stop myself. "That's good, I guess. No one should have to be alone."

"When a person's body dies, they go out, not away. Angeal is no farther away from you now than your love of him is. No one is ever lost. No one is ever really left alone."

"You always make me feel better," I said seriously to her. "Isn't there something I can do for you?"

"Well." Aerith smiled teasingly. "I could use a wagon for the flowers."

__

zfzfz

"Zack!"

I had been getting hugged all day, by 1sts and fellow 2nds and my friends in 3rd, some of whom had to be careful not to crush me with their enhanced strength. The 1sts, especially, seemed relieved to see me, gathering in groups to ruffle my hair and squeeze me and say that they would have gone AWOL to go get me if Sephiroth had kept me away much longer. I could tell they felt a little awkward and worried about how I was doing without Angeal, but their affection and reminders that they were always there for me felt good, like a bandage around my heart.

None of them blamed me for his death. I wondered how much they knew, if Sephiroth had told them what Angeal was becoming, or if they simply knew how much I'd loved him and trusted that I would never have hurt him without reason. I couldn't bring myself to ask. And I didn't dwell on it too long. There was one more person I couldn't go another day without seeing, and when he saw me waiting casually outside his Materia class, he beamed like the sun and ran to hug me, not caring who saw or what they thought.

"Zack!"

"Spiky!" I lifted him off his feet a little as I squeezed him, but refrained from spinning him around in front of the other cadets. "I missed you! Hey, have you grown while I was gone?"

"A little, I think. I missed you too. You look, um..." Cloud smiled shyly. "You look better."

"That's 'cause I'm with you," I teased. "Sun and sand is no substitute for my Spiky. How have you been? Still top of your classes, I hear."

He shrugged modestly, but seemed pleased. "Instructor Danning said I remind him of you, just quieter."

I laughed and slung my arm around Cloud, pulling him with me down the emptying corridor. "What about sword training? How's that going?"

"Great, thanks to you. I've been practicing that disarming move you showed me."

"I can't wait to see you do it again," I grinned. "How about tomorrow, we'll do some sparring and catch up, maybe spend part of the day in the city? I know you've got to get to your next class, and Sephiroth wanted to see me anyway."

Cloud shifted and turned just slightly pink at the mention of Sephiroth. "Tomorrow's good. That gives me more time to practice."

"You're gonna be kicking my butt soon, like I told Sephiroth. Hey, you want to watch me and him spar sometime? That'll show ya just how much of a klutz I really am."

Cloud made his cute, wide-eyed, overwhelmed expression at that. "Really?"

"Sure. You haven't lived till you've seen Sephiroth in action, and I doubt he'd mind. He's the one who told me how well you've been doing."

"The general thinks I'm..." Cloud whispered.

"Uh-huh, and he doesn't say anything unless he means it. He and I both think you're gonna be a heck of a SOLDIER."

"I don't know..." he murmured uncertainly.

"Hey, none of that. Remember what I told you about what we encourage in SOLDIER?"

"Never giving up," Cloud said with a tiny smile.

"That's right. When it comes to something you want," I said softly, clasping him to my side, "never give up."

__

zfzfz

I barely stepped into Sephiroth's office before he was leaving it and motioning me to follow. He smirked at first at the way I jogged to keep up with his quick strides, then slowed to a more normal walking speed. We stepped outside into the sunny day, and he waved away the passing salutes and nodded as the 1sts we went by greeted him (and me) wth restrained affection. It struck me that beneath the general's ever-present calm and alertness, he seemed genuinely relaxed. That made wonder what he had been up to.

We reached the section of road just beside the security/storage/maintenance building, and Sephiroth halted, so suddenly that it made me jump. He looked at me with a flicker of hesitation, even wariness.

"Are you..." He seemed to be searching for the right word. "...better?"

I thought I knew what he meant, though I had as much trouble answering as he did asking. "I don't know. I don't think I'm gonna freak out on you and go into hysterics again."

Sephiroth nodded, and headed southeast. When I realized where we were going, I understood his momentary reluctance. The narrow trail that led off away from the main path was a painful place for me to be. I could almost hear Angeal's footsteps beside mine over the dirt and leaves, could feel the ghost of his hand grasping the nape of my neck, could hear him speak fondly of his best friend to me for the first time. Angeal and I had never come back to these words after that last time, on the day that both Moray and this place had died for us. Obviously at least one person continued to walk this path; it had not been grown over by the surrounding plant life.

"What're we doing back here?" I asked, trying to not sound too unhappy.

"I would like to show you something."

Sephiroth hesitated at the end of the path, again, but pushed aside the large fern leaves and led me into the clearing. There wasn't time to expect what I saw, so at first I thought my memories were intruding on the present, or I was, in my sadness, just seeing life where there was only death. But I blinked once, twice, and the life remained. The flowering bushes were back to the way they had been when I first saw them, green and healthy, vibrant with the vivid petals of undamaged blossoms. Yellows, whites, reds, whole and unbroken, like Genesis's destructive rage had never been.

I surveyed the restored beauty of this sacred place, and turned to Sephiroth, who was watching intently for my reaction. I could only stare at him with wetness coming into my eyes. I knew he was human better than most people, I had more cause to know. But I had not expected this. While I had been mourning for Angeal in Costa del Sol, Sephiroth had been here, creating this celebration of his life.

"You look tense, Zack."

"I'm trying very hard not to hug you, sir," I said stiffly.

He smiled faintly. "Thank you for restraining yourself."

Sephiroth gracefully sat down on the grass, looking at one particular spot beside him and running his hand pensively over the green blades. I joined him, wishing for the hundredth or so time that more people could see him the way I did, that he didn't have to be so lonely. At the same time, I was proud to be one of the few (maybe the last) around whom he felt safe enough to let his guard down. It was a legacy from Angeal that I was honored to carry on.

"You're the one who planted them, the first time," I said softly.

"Yes. I don't doubt that Angeal could have done it as well, but he seemed to think it would be good for me. It had a calming effect then, and now." He sighed quietly; I didn't hear it so much as I guessed it from the heaviness in his voice. "We wanted Genesis to help. He refused, but he hated us working together without him. There was never any reason for him to be jealous, but..."

"I know."

"Angeal liked to come out here after battle, and tend to the flowers."

"He tried to balance life with death," I whispered.

"Yes." Sephiroth looked at me seriously. "You are his life now. You are what he poured his spirit into and what he left behind of himself. I trust you will never dishonor his love for you by doing something stupid or allowing yourself to be harmed."

"I won't." I won't leave you too, I was trying to say, and I think he heard me. "I promised him I'd live." And look out for you.

Sephiroth seemed to relax again, gazing down at the green beside him as he continued to comb his fingers through it. Genesis's memory returned to me unbidden, and I realized what meaning that particular patch of ground had. I wasn't jealous or insecure about it anymore. I loved Angeal more for his heart and his impulse to protect the people he cared for, to try to restore them with the life that grows out of death.

Us. He poured his spirit into us, I wanted to say, but I realized Sephiroth already knew.

**To be continued.**


	35. The Voices Beneath

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 35 - The Voices Beneath**

 

I didn't tell Aerith about what Reno had seen of her fate. Out of kindness, maybe, or a need to believe that I could still change that future. Something tells me that she would have taken it calmly, and reminded me that death isn't really an end to what we are. Nonetheless, after we finished building the flower wagon, I offered to teach her how to fight, and she humored me by accepting. Her physical attacks weren't strong, I saw they never would be, so we soon moved on to materia.

She showed me an orb of it left to her by her biological mother, explaining that it didn't work. I thought at first that she didn't know how to use it, but I couldn't make it do anything either. Aerith was fond of this white materia, though, she said it comforted her to have it close, and I felt something similar when she let me hold it.

I kept meaning to bring Cloud to meet her, but there never seemed to be a time that worked for all three of us. I was kinda glad about that, though, worrying that those two might get along perfectly and dump me for each other. Childish, I know. But I just didn't want to lose anyone else.

As Seph had warned me might happen, ShinRa suggested I keep myself visible, saying that my name and deeds were well-known among the lower classes and that they would benefit from my presence. Oh, yeah, Sephiroth gave in and let them promote me to 1st after my next successful mission. I was able to be happy about it now, and I didn't mind dropping in to check on the progress of the 3rds and cadets. Especially since it gave me an excuse to see Cloud more often.

He was still doing well, and growing more confident. I took every opportunity to bring him along when I had to see Sephiroth, and though Cloud always seemed a little nervous on these occasions, he became more and more comfortable each time. Those two would sometimes even talk to each other directly, about classes and potential and what's expected of a SOLDIER. It was cute to see them both shy, both trying to hide it and overcome it. I made a point of telling Seph about Cloud turning sixteen. He had no visible reaction, but Cloud and I found ouselves mysteriously both given that day completely off. We spent it having fun in Midgar, where I casually mused aloud that I'd never seen Sephiroth take such a liking to someone. Cloud blushed and changed the subject, but he smiled.

Life at ShinRa had gone on, and we all went through the motions that came with our jobs. Genesis clones continued to pop up now and then to be quickly and quietly eliminated. Seeing Angeal's clone at the church had made me wonder and hope that he might somehow be alive, but there was no sign of him, and the clone too had disappeared. I think ShinRa had the same idea, because the Turks continued to keep an unobtrusive eye on me, usually through Cissnei.

Chase got married, earlier than expected. Malakh behaved himself through the ceremony, then hooked up with the bride's brother at the reception. He also made one more attempt at the now-legal Reno. All he revealed to me about his failure was that Tseng had given him a long warning monologue about how many untraceable poisons the Turks had at their disposal.

Thanks to the efforts of Cloud, I sometimes heard the cadets whisper amongst themselves that Angeal couldn't have been the deserter ShinRa claimed. Genesis's name was never mentioned at all, and Hollander and Lazard continued to evade capture. On the surface, ShinRa's power and influence continued to dominate Midgar and the whole continent. In truth, it all felt like a complicated knot slowly untangling itself. A long road we had been marching together toward an unavoidable crisis.

__

zfzfz

Sephiroth had summoned me to his office, a regular occurrence. It wasn't unusual for us to do assignments together, and sometimes he would do it just to ask how I was, or Cloud, or the other 1sts if he had been away. I knew the real reason - sometimes he just wanted to see me outside of work and training, and he wasn't the type of guy you just hang out with. This time, though, he didn't smile when I came in, and that was odd.

"Seph?"

He gestured that I should sit, continuing to stare pensively. I gave him a cheery grin, thinking he might need it. He didn't smile back, but nodded as though in thanks, and spoke at last.

"We have a mission. We depart in three days."

"Cool. What is it?"

"Something strange is going on at one of the mako reactors. Unusually vicious monsters have been reported in the area, and it's believed that something at the reactor is to blame."

"Shouldn't ShinRa be sending people from the technological division, then?"

"The most immediate threat is the monsters. We will neutralize them, investigate the reactor, and notify headquarters if we find anything."

"That's pretty routine," I said. "Why do you look so uneasy, then?"

Sephiroth hesitated before answering. "I have not been in contact with anyone these past two days."

"Yeah, off doing something classified, right?"

"I was not away," he said quietly. "I was in the labs."

My stomach twisted, and I sat on my hand to keep it from becoming a fist. "For what?"

"Dr. Hojo requires my presence once each year for a comprehensive examination. The tests are extensive and serve as the baseline against which subsequent readings are measured. It has always been done at the same time of the year, but was in this case four months early."

"Do you think...something might be wrong with you?"

"I don't want you to worry, Zack. I feel fine. Nothing about me has changed. It is the mission that concerns me. It doesn't sound dangerous beyond the capabilities of a 1st Class, and yet it may be that Hojo was...getting as much information about me as possible while he still can."

"Don't go," I blurted out. "Refuse it. You can."

"But you cannot."

"Huh?"

"I didn't pick you for this assignment, Zack, I was ordered to take you with me. I don't know why, and that troubles me as well." Sephiroth leaned forward on his elbows over the desk. The sight of him slumping would never stop being odd. "Perhaps I am overthinking this. There may be nothing strange going on at all. But I want you to be especially careful during this mission, and promise to obey me without question."

"I promise. Nothing's gonna happen to either of us, you'll see, I'll make sure of it."

"You are the SOLDIER we knew you would be, Zack. Angeal would be very proud." I am too, his eyes said as clearly as his voice.

"Thank you, Seph."

"We will be bringing two cadets to help and observe," he went on. "You will have to keep a close eye on Strife as well."

"Cloud? But if it could be dangerous...do we have to bring him?"

"Standard procedure. If someone available knows the area, it's only logical to take advantage of that. We're going to Nibelheim, his hometown."

"Oh! Well, don't worry. I'll protect him."

"Good."

"Do you think this might have anything to do with Lazard and Hollander and..." I couldn't say the final name, not while he looked so sad.

"Strange pods have been reported in the reactor. The monsters sighted may have some connection to the clone experiments. If they are there, we will try to take them alive."

"Understood," I said. "I wonder if Cloud will be happy. I get the impression he's not all that fond of his hometown."

That snagged Sephiroth's attention, shifted his gaze from empty space to me. "Is it not usual to feel an attachment to one's birthplace? A connection?"

No doubt he was thinking of the patriotic pride I expressed in being Gongagan. "Yeah, but it depends on the experience you had growing up. Cloud doesn't talk about that much, but I think he was lonely. The other kids didn't like him."

Sephiroth scowled at the thought, though he tilted his head downward to let his hair curtain his face. "I don't understand that."

"Me neither. That's 'cause we like him." He made no comment agreeing with or denying that. "Seph, you...you do like him. Don't you?"

He looked at me intently, probably trying to decide what I meant by 'like' - the kind he could casually confirm or the one that he balked at. When he realized which it was, he looked at the wall. Damn it, those two were vexing me. What could I do, short of locking them in a closet together?

"Seph, when I was a cadet," I began, desperately fumbling with the words, "my classmates talked about you a lot. Not to be disrespectful, just because you're...well, you, and I hated it, and I thought that was the only reason, that it was disrespectful anyway. But then I realized it was also 'cause you were Angeal's friend, and I loved him. Being attracted to someone is one thing, but when you're in love, you respect that person too, and the people he loves."

Sephiroth was looking at me again, obviously confused. I didn't blame him.

"Some things never change. I know you notice how people stare at you, and I know it must piss you off sometimes even though you never say anything about it. They...a lot of them don't know you, they see the outside and don't think about the rest of you. Angeal and I hated that because...we love you. Seph, Cloud hates it too. Do you...get what I'm saying?" 

He stared at me without blinking for so long that I was afraid he was suppressing anger, or that he had no idea what I was trying to communicate. I squirmed under his gaze, thoughtful and unthreatening as it was, feeling like a useless idiot. Then Sephiroth leaned back to sit up straight, and dropped his eyes to the neatly-organized surface of his desk.

"Are you saying that Cloud has feelings for me beyond a simple crush?"

"I'm saying he swore me to secrecy about something, and because of that, I'm afraid I might never see my two best friends happy," I mumbled.

Sephiroth looked so torn that I felt guilty. Damn all the things I knew and wasn't allowed to say. Don't let Hojo win, I wanted to scream, you deserve to love and be loved. There's more to the world than you've seen, more than the greed of businessmen and the perversions and ambitions of scientists. There are people who love you for who you are, not what you can do. Gaia, it's agony to think of this now, and all the words I never got to say to him. I wish I could go back to that moment and hug him, even if it kills us both.

"I..." he said in a dry, uncertain voice, "I can't."

"He's nervous about it too. It's a scary thing. But remember how happy Angeal and I were? I want that for you too. So would he."

"I appreciate your concern for me, Zack," he said softly. Sephiroth was slowly regaining his usual commanding presence. I knew how much he depended on this mask, and that I should drop the subject. "Thank you for bringing this information to my attention."

"Seph, if you tell them you're not well enough for this mission, maybe - "

He shook his head, looking stronger already. "I am fine. I just don't feel like myself after examinations. I assure you, by tomorrow I will be functioning properly again."

"When you're down there, you're not ever...out, are you? Unconscious? 'Cause that could make you feel strange," I added quickly.

Sephiroth looked at me oddly, but only for a second. "It would no doubt be easier for Dr. Hojo that way, but there are no drugs strong enough to safely put me to sleep."

"Oh, good," I sighed without thinking.

The odd look returned, sharper now. "Why is that good?"

"Uh, remember, you once told me that Selatacyn causes nightmares." Whew, quick thinking on my part, and thank Gaia, he bought it.

"I do remember. Did you have any?"

"Only one I remember around that time. I think it scared Angeal more, though. He heard me screaming and woke me up."

"He did that for me a few times," Sephiroth said quietly. "You are not shocked that the invincible Sephiroth has had nightmares?"

"When you told me about the Potions you had that suppress dreams, I kinda figured..."

"Yes. I was young then, unused to dealing with such things. The lack of sleep had begun to affect my physical health. Dr. Hojo became concerned."

Concerned his sick secret might get out, I bet, I thought furiously. Seph, why didn't you kill him? I know why Angeal didn't - he believed Sephiroth had that right and no one else, and if he could ever bring himself to do it, it might be cathartic. But Angeal also said Hojo might always have some power over him. Maybe that's why. I was always a kid to the 1sts who had met me through Angeal, even when I was a 1st myself. Maybe Sephiroth always felt powerless against Hojo, helpless as he had been in truth for so many years. Angeal had told me, on one of the rare occasions when we discussed it, that the abuse began around age five. Fucking damn you, Hojo, if there's any justice on this planet the Lifestream will spit you out to die again and again for all eternity.

I couldn't indulge in this internal ranting long, or Sephiroth would get suspicious. "What did you dream about?" I asked, wondering what lie he would use to conceal the hideous truth.

"I remember very little," he said shortly, and I got the feeling he wanted the conversation to end.

"I'm sorry, it's none of my business anyway. I'll, uh, I'll go tell Cloud about our mission."

My hand was on the doorknob when Sephiroth's voice broke the brief silence, reflective as though he were talking to himself. "There was a voice."

"Huh?"

"In the dreams. I don't remember what it said, just that it was...comforting. It's not important. Dismissed, Lieutenant."

"I'll say hi to Cloud for you," I called as I left, hoping he would turn away from his darker thoughts and consider the happiness that waited for him, if he could just make himself reach for it.

__

zfzfz

After my talk with Sephiroth, I started to feel nervous about the upcoming mission too. It didn't help that the news of it made Cloud seem agitated and request that I help him remain incognito for as long as we had to be in Nibelheim. He shifted uncomfortably when I asked why, and I couldn't bear to press him further, so I agreed. If Nibelheim had been such a bad place for him, I resolved, then it didn't deserve my Spiky anyway. I just wanted him to smile, and he did, even spontaneously hugged me. I would have teased him about Sephiroth next, or tried to hint to him that his secret love was requited, but I felt too guilty. I hadn't technically broken my promise, but I might as well have.

It was a relief to go to the church to say goodbye to Aerith. She begged me to be careful as she always did before I went on a mission, but she was calm and cheerful, directing me to repair a broken wheel on the wagon and chirping about how well the flowers were selling.

"It's all thanks to you," she said warmly, tipping a watering can over the glowing hole in the floor. "They make everyone so happy."

"Good. The planet will always need more flowers. You gonna let me try planting some again?"

"After last time?" Aerith laughed.

"Hey, I thought that pile was dirt you set aside for planting! How was I to know that that dog from next door comes in here to - "

"The smell didn't tip you off? I thought SOLDIERs had enhanced senses," she teased.

"Well, they should have grown fine with all that fertilizer," I said with a pout.

"They need dirt too, and love. Here, you can water the rest."

I took the can she handed me. "I guess I just don't have a green thumb."

"You have a lot of love to give. That's the most important thing to have for growing flowers."

Naturally, that made me think of Seph. "Have you ever seen Sephiroth?"

Aerith knew he and I were friends, but the question surprised her. "I've seen pictures of him. He seems...scary."

"What would you think if I told you he's the one other person I know who can make flowers grow in Midgar?"

Her green eyes widened, and she gave me an amazed smile. "I'd be very relieved. He must have a lot of good in him, then."

"He doesn't let many people see it."

"He probably can't help it with you. You bring out the good in everyone." Aerith hesitated. "My mother said something strange about him, once."

"About Sephiroth? What?"

"That my father couldn't hear or speak his name without crying." She shrugged at my questioning look. "I don't know any more than that. My father died when I was very young."

I didn't know what to make of that. "I'd better go."

Aerith hugged me for such a long time that I nearly had to pull away. "Be careful."

"Don't worry. When I get back, we'll work on that new move of yours."

She smirked as I headed for the door. "Oh, I'll have Healing Wind down to a science by then."

I wasn't terribly surprised to find Tseng lurking in the shadows outside the church. It was lucky, though, because he was just the person I wanted to see.

"Am I being watched because Aerith and I are friends, or is it something else?"

To his credit, he didn't deny it, or even blink. "We think Genesis may be alive. Therefore, there's a chance Angeal could be too."

"And I'm the ideal bait for both?"

"Yes," he said simply.

It's hard to get mad at Tseng, he's so calm and polite. "You wouldn't ever hurt Angeal, would you?"

"I have other loyalties besides that of a Turk to the president, Zack," he said with a faint smile.

"Thank you. You'll look after Aerith, right?"

"It's my job. She knows about Reno, doesn't she?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "She'd never tell anyone, don't worry."

"Then I have another reason to want her kept from harm," Tseng said, with a hint of relief.

"You know Malakh Highcliff is a good guy, right?" I asked cautiously.

He blinked. "Yes, of course. I have worked with him enough to be certain of that."

"He would never hurt Reno."

Tseng nodded, understanding. "I know. You've heard the threats I've made to him. It's simple, Zack. If Malakh is only interested in Reno physically, it's best that I keep him at a distance. If his feelings for Reno are deeper than that, no threat of mine will scare him off. And I would not stand in the way if it is something Reno wants."

It was my turn to be relieved now. "You think he's capable of being in a relationship like that, after what he's been through?"

Tseng looked at me seriously with dark, pensive eyes. "Reno is strong, and brave, and capable of love. All the rest is a matter of choice."

"I hope you're right," I said, thinking of more than just Reno.

__

zfzfz

"How come you always get sick when we go somewhere together?" I teased lightly. "Do you not like me or something?"

Cloud looked up to give me a shaky smile, then clapped a hand over his mouth and moaned softly. He was curled up in a ball against some crates, faintly green from the movement of the van over bumpy country roads. The usual motion-sickness medicine didn't seem to be helping, and I wondered if it was partly Cloud's nervousness about going to Nibelheim that was making him ill. The other cadet had been softly snoring for a long time, but I could feel Sephiroth often glancing our way with sympathy. He seemed concerned that any interference or questioning from him might embarrass Cloud, and for once I think his instincts were right.

"My poor Spiky," I said sadly, petting his hair. "Not the way you imagined going home, huh?"

He laughed bitterly, squeezing his knees to his chest. "No."

"You'll get to see your mom. That's good, right?"

"Yeah. She was the only one there who ever cared about me." We went over a slight bump, and Cloud closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "The other kids thought I was weird, the girl I liked would barely look at me, and everyone either ignored me or stared, the way they do n-"

He leaned against me as I put my arm around him. "Sorry. I just don't feel good. Gaia, I wish I was Tully right now," he said, referring to the other cadet.

"It's okay, I want you to tell me whenever something's bothering you. They won't know you're there, okay? Fuck 'em all if they can't appreciate you, it just means I don't have to share my Spiky."

"Thank you, Zack," he whispered, and I felt wetness on the part of my shoulder his eyes were pressed to.

"Hey, I'd do anything for you. Want me to burn the village down?"

Cloud started to laugh weakly, then suddenly halted in the middle of it and slumped unconscious against me. Too suddenly. Trying not to panic, I grabbed his wrist. His pulse was fine, so I shook him gently and started to lift his head.

"Spiky?! Cloud!"

"He is fine," a calm voice said above me, and Sephiroth was settling down on the floor beside us. "I cast Sleep on him."

It seemed kind of wrong to knock Cloud out like that against his will, but I couldn't complain as his small body relaxed and the trembling tension of nausea disappeared from it. His face even began to return to its normal color, and in unconsciousness his expression held a trace of relief. I shifted him to lean further onto me.

Sephiroth was observing him with a frown. "Had I known he so disliked his hometown, I would have found an excuse to leave him behind."

"Who knows if he would have listened," I joked. "He's stubborn."

"How could his own people be cruel to him?" How could anyone be cruel to him, the general was really asking, and I wondered that myself.

"I guess they think he's weak because of his size."

"That seems foolish. We are all small at first."

"Maybe because he doesn't have much faith in himself. I'm trying to fix that." I faked an expression of pain. "Ow, my shoulder."

"Are you injured?"

"Nah, just sore from this position. Can you switch with me and hold him for a few minutes?"

The famous warrior who balked at nothing tensed. "I...I don't believe that would be appropriate."

"Just for a few minutes. C'mon, no one will ever know, I swear."

"I don't think I can."

"He's harmless. Asleep, at least. Awake, he's a little demon, especially with Lightning materia."

I practically shoved Cloud at him. Sephiroth was wide-eyed and his arms were stiff and uncertain, at first supporting the boy with the bare minimum of touch. It was adorable and heartbreaking to see him so cautious and gentle, torn between the impulses of affection and fear.

"Put his head on your shoulder," I instructed, "and let him rest against your chest. Yeah, like that. How does it feel?"

"He is warm," Sephiroth admitted, looking at Cloud with surprise that the kid instinctively nuzzled closer. "And soft."

"Nice, isn't it? Pet his hair, that makes him feel better."

Seph's fingers were reluctant at first, like he was taming a wild animal with them. But Cloud's sweetness could disarm anyone, I think, and the silky feel of his hair is as comforting to the one stroking it as it is to him. Cloud breathed peacefully, unaware that his secret love was the one holding him, only knowing that he was safe even in this vulnerable state because the arms around him were careful and protective. Sleep magic knocks you out quickly and keeps you that way, it doesn't put you under any deeper than natural sleep. If anything, it leaves you more aware. Once, I had been too hyper to go to bed the night before a mission, so Angeal cast a low-level Sleep on me, stripped me and massaged me for an hour, only letting me wake to come. That was a restful night.

Maybe I was growing up, becoming more mature. It still hurt to think of Angeal, but I didn't begrudge the happiness of others. In a way, in trying to get Sephiroth and Cloud together, I was honoring Angeal and what we'd had together. I wanted everyone to know the bliss we had shared and experience it for themselves.

Cloud sighed softly and pushed his face into Sephiroth's shoulder, like he was trying to smell him. The general blinked with confusion but didn't suppress his slight smile fast enough.

"See, he likes this too."

"He is not aware that it is me."

"I've held him before, and he never sniffs me." I grinned slyly. "How do you think ShinRa would react to you being involved with a cadet?"

He frowned at me.

"Okay, no rush. How 'bout a 3rd Class? They couldn't object, it wouldn't be their business and they wouldn't risk getting on your bad side anyway. The 1sts would probably throw a party, and no need to worry about Spiky. There'd be jealousy, yeah, but no one would ever dare mess with him again."

"Are you saying I should involve myself with Strife in order to protect him?" Sephiroth asked coolly.

"No, I'm trying to tell you that this is a good thing. Just like you told Angeal years ago. You deserve to be as happy as we were. Both of you."

Cloud was nuzzling again, breathing in with soft, happy noises. He probably thought he was dreaming, but now he definitely knew who he was with, whether he knew it was real or not. Sephiroth's perfect statue face creased with an all-too-human pain.

"I...cannot."

"Bullshit," I said flatly. "You meant more than you can imagine to Angeal, you were the one thing Genesis cared about, you inspire all of SOLDIER. You grew flowers in Midgar and raised me from the dead I don't know how many times, all with love. You have it to give, plenty of it. All you have to decide is if you're brave enough, and if he's worth it."

"You presume a great deal, Lieutenant," Sephiroth said quietly. He reached out a hand and gently smoothed it over my hair. "You would not be alive if I were not fond of you."

"I love ya too, Seph. Would you at least think about it?"

He nodded solemnly. When he passed Cloud back to me a few minutes later, we had to pry the kid's fingers off of his coat. I snickered, wishing Cloud was that determined and unafraid all the time.

__

zfzfz

Cloud woke up just as we stopped, unaware that magic had been used on him and insisting he felt much better. I convincingly agreed that it was very odd and fortuitous that he had fallen asleep and stayed that way this whole time. Sephiroth told him he looked well and Spiky thanked him shyly, then blushed and shoved me when I winked at him.

It was SOLDIER policy on occasions like this to arrive as unobtrusively as possible at a mission destination. Especially when Sephiroth was part of the team, as it's hard to fulfill any objective while you're being followed by a mass of fans and autograph-seekers. We reached the village gates just before sunset, and found a sleepy little town that definitely wouldn't give us problems with crowd control. If the nearby mountains had been forests instead, I would have been reminded of Gongaga and comforted by that. Cloud just seemed anxious, and kept his helmet on.

We unloaded the van of what equipment we would need and proceeded on foot over the short distance left. Sephiroth stopped just as the center of the village came into our sight, and turned slightly to address Cloud.

"You have not been back to your hometown for some time, correct? What does it feel like? I don't have a hometown, so I would not know."

Cloud didn't answer. I wasn't sure why, but I spoke up to take the pressure off of him.

"What about your parents?" I had always wanted to ask.

"My mother's name was Jenova. She died just after I was born and my father.." Sephiroth laughed softly and shook his head. "Why am I talking about this? What does it matter? Let's go."

Jenova. The name Genesis had mentioned, the one he seemed to identify with the Goddess. I wasn't sure what this meant, but I didn't think it could possibly be good. I remembered something Angeal had never explained - that there was something Sephiroth could not be allowed to know. I was determined to protect him, as Angeal had, but there was so much I didn't...then Sephiroth called to me, and I had to run to catch up.

We checked into the village's only inn, and the few people we saw seemed normal and pleasant enough, though I was already disliking them for Cloud's sake. Sephiroth ordered our cadets to handle guard duty in three-hour shifts and told them they were otherwise free to explore or visit family. He cautioned us all, though, that we should get plenty of sleep, because we'd be leaving early the next morning. Cloud slipped out to say hi to his mom and returned looking a bit relieved. Cadet Tully cheerfully unpacked and offered to take the first watch. Sephiroth stood in front of an upstairs window and stared out at the view of an old mansion on the edge of town.

"That place," he murmured, when I questioned him. "I feel like I know it somehow, as though I have a connection to it. Strange."

We had reported to Nibelheim, to begin the mission innocently named SRDS-41-NH. This was the last order from ShinRa we were ever to receive.

**To be continued.**


	36. The Birthright He Stole

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 36 - The Birthright He Stole**

 

The next morning dawned bright and clear, a blue sky and a sun that did little to warm the chilly mountain air. As we filed out of the inn with our equipment packed up, Sephiroth's gaze frequently wandered to the old mansion, but otherwise he was his serious, all-business self. Tully was yawning and complaining good-naturedly about the climate, and Cloud looked much better after hours of natural sleep and smiled confidently at me, at least at first.

Sephiroth opened the mission file and spoke to us, ignoring a man who had been lurking nearby with a camera and a hopeful expression. "The reactor is approximately four miles northeast, located in those mountains. We have hired a local to guide us there."

"Ha," I said lightly, "bet it'll be some old geezer who gets lost going to his own bathroom."

"Not this time, Lieutenant. It's a young lady, Tifa Lockhart."

I heard a soft but sudden intake of breath beside me. I looked at Cloud to see that he had gotten tense again, though he shook his head when I was about to ask if he was okay. A young woman approached us just then, with a frowning man behind her, and introduced herself as Tifa. Cloud looked at both of them and actually took a tiny step back. I knew he wouldn't want me to say anything, so I settled for subtly moving in front of him and giving him a reassuring thumbs-up behind my back. Could this be the girl he had liked, the one who had barely looked at him? She was pretty (though I don't know how she was comfortable in so little clothing) but she didn't look like the type to appreciate Cloud's sensitivity and depth.

"Daddy, I'll be fine," she was insisting to the frowning man. "I know the way there and back with my eyes closed!"

"I still don't like this."

"Daddy, I'll be with Sephiroth, the Sephiroth. What could possibly be more safe than that?"

Mr. Lockhart looked warily at me. "And who are you?"

"Uh, the assistant to the Sephiroth." I saw Seph smirking out of the corner of my eye. "You've got nothing to worry about."

"If that is settled," Sephiroth said calmly, "we should head out."

"Just one more second!" Tifa said, not showing nearly as much intimidation as people usually did. "Mr. Bartlett! Mr. Bartlett would like to take a picture, if you don't mind."

Sephiroth frowned - I knew he hated being photographed - but said nothing as the lurking man nervously came closer and his face brightened as he readied his camera. Tifa cheerfully gestured that I should come stand with Sephiroth, then she got in between and struck a pose as I grinned and Seph looked away. Click!

"Thank you so much," Mr. Bartlett babbled, handling his camera now like it was a holy relic. "I'll make copies for everyone once it's developed!"

Finally - after reassuring Mr. Lockhart once more - we were allowed to set off. The journey wasn't difficult, and however ditzy Tifa seemed, she was at least confident that she knew where she was going. Strangely, we hardly ran into any fiends, and the ones we did encounter were pretty low-level, so much so that I let Cloud take one down himself. Even with the helmet obscuring his face, I could tell he was proud when I squeezed his shoulder and the general himself said "Very good".

On our way up the mountain, we passed many cave openings in the rock. Sephiroth ordered us to stay alert, as these were excellent hiding places for monsters, but Tifa said she'd never seen anything bigger than a bat in them, even in the larger chambers we had to pass through to reach the outside again. Maybe to prove her point, Tifa announced that she had to go to the bathroom and excused herself a good way down one of the side passageways, out of our (or rather, the cadets') sight and hearing. As soon as she was gone, I yanked Cloud's helmet off and spun it lazily on my finger.

"Zack!" he hissed in a whisper. "Give me that!"

"Aw, c'mon! I missed your face."

"I can't let her see me!"

"Spiky, why?" I asked gently, concerned even though I wasn't going about this well.

"Zaaaaack..." he whined urgently.

I was just about to give it back to him, honestly. If I had known how anxious Cloud would be, I would never have taken it at all. But before I could do anything, Sephiroth had grabbed the helmet off my hand and stepped past me. With a gentle smile directed at Cloud's shy one, he carefully put the helmet back over the spiky blond head himself, even patted it once it was in place.

"Better, Cadet?"

"Thank you, sir," Cloud whispered.

Tifa returned with an I-told-you-so look on her face, and we continued. The next challenge was a rope-and-plank bridge that swung precipitously over a gaping, rocky chasm. It didn't look terribly safe, but Tifa insisted that it was, only suggesting that we cross when the wind was at its calmest. We went single-file, a few paces apart, with Sephiroth in the lead followed by Tifa, and the cadets bringing up the rear.

I wish, for the sake of Tully's family, that I know more about what happened next. It all just went by so fast. The bridge snapped down the middle and fell in two long pieces against the opposing cliff faces, requiring us to hold tight and climb. When I found myself safe on the snowy ground, I began to realize a few things. The first was that I was clutching Cloud to myself like a life preserver, and he was trembling like a leaf. Next, that Tifa was okay, staring wide-eyed at the mess of rope and wood that had nearly killed us, and Sephiroth was already up and looking around, not a hair out of place. Lastly I registered what Seph had noticed already - Tully was nowhere to be found.

"Where is he?" Tifa whispered. "The other one?"

"He must have fallen," Sephiroth said quietly, turning away from us to hide the pain in his eyes that might have melted the ice in his voice. "It may sound cold, but we do not have the time or equipment to search for him. He cannot possibly have survived a plunge from that height."

"So...that's it?" Tifa said incredulously, standing with her hands on her hips. "You just want to give up and keep going? You don't care at all, do you?"

"Don't you dare," I spat at her, apparently with enough venom that she looked chastened and backed off.

Tifa wordlessly indicated our direction and began to walk, and said nothing over the next hour except that there was an alternate route back that bypassed the bridge. Sephiroth went just after her, and I followed with Cloud, holding him close to me and not caring at the moment about proper behavior or what anyone thought. He still wouldn't budge about the helmet, having grown even more stubborn because it muffled the sound of his soft crying. I couldn't really give him a decent hug as we were moving, but I kept my arm tight around his middle and pressed a kiss to his wet, gloved fingers.

"I'm sorry," Cloud whispered to me, "I shouldn't be - "

"Of course you should. I lost two good friends when I was a cadet and I cried like crazy. Even Sephiroth saw me do it and didn't think there was anything wrong about it."

"Is he dead for sure? If not then we're just leaving him..."

"I doubt even a 1st could survive that fall, Spiky," I said gently. "Tully's gone. It would have been quick, he probably didn't feel a thing."

"I would want to feel it," Cloud said dully. "When I die, I want to know."

"That won't be for a long time," I said firmly. "I'm not letting anything happen to you, okay?"

Cloud got quiet then, but continued to lean against me, and he squeezed my hand tightly. Sephiroth didn't look back once, but I got the feeling he was reaching out toward us with his other senses, and giving us this privacy so Cloud could grieve without feeling self-conscious. He really was learning, and more importantly, he was trying.

Tifa stopped when we reached the wide, flat space that the old reactor occupied. It was one of the oldest still in operation, I had heard, and though its personnel (the few who had not disappeared) had only been cleared out days before, the silence surrounding the ominous structure reminded me of a tomb. Of the Midgar reactor which had become Angeal's tomb...unless by some miracle he was alive, but I couldn't risk believing that and breaking again.

Sephiroth walked right to the ramp that led inside and stared at the entrance for so long that I started to get worried. I gently stepped away from Cloud (he nodded and whispered "I'm fine") and went to stand by Seph. He had a curious, analytical expression that was complicated by an emotion I couldn't identify. But then, I doubt if he could have told me what it was.

"Sir?"

"Do you hear something, Zack?" he asked me hesitantly.

"Um, like what?"

"Never mind. We will go inside and do a preliminary check. Cadet, remain here and guard Miss Lockhart." Sephiroth tossed what looked like a small communications device to Cloud, who caught it with barely a fumble. "If you encounter trouble, press the red button and we will be alerted at once."

"Yes, sir."

"Hey, I want to see what's in there too!"

"Only ShinRa personnel are allowed," Sephiroth said flatly, and began to ascend the ramp. I followed, exchanging one last encouraging smile with Cloud, and we were inside.

The place was bigger than it seemed, with so much of it taken up by machinery and little space where people could actually walk around. We had no trouble getting to the main room, where there were rows of the pods Sephiroth had told me about, arranged on a few levels accessible by a set of stairs. Seph went directly to one of the lower pods and examined it, while I felt drawn to the highest level, a point where the steps reached a metal door that was crowned by a familiar word that filled me with foreboding. 'JENOVA'. I had a hunch, again, that this had something to do with the thing that Sephiroth could not be allowed to know.

I hurried back down to the lowest level, where Sephiroth was murmuring about a locking mechanism on one of the pods being broken. He asked me to turn a nearby valve, and I did, though I was baffled by all this complicated machinery and had no clue what any of it did. When I came back to Sephiroth, he stepped back from the pod's small front window and indicated that I should look.

What I saw was horrifying. Monstrous, not like a fiend but like something that had a trace of humanity in it and yet was twisted beyond recognition. It seemed to be dead or asleep in its cocoon of mako, but I lurched back from the hideous face in terror. This was worse than the Genesis clones. They had at least still been people, but this...

"What is that?" I whispered.

"SOLDIERs are human beings stabilized at a moderate level of mako," Seph answered quietly. "You are different from civilians, but you are still human. But these...their mako levels are much higher than yours."

"These are...monsters?" Tseng, I thought, sometimes things are exactly what we label them, they have to be for labels to make any practical sense.

Sephiroth walked several paces away from me, looking at the floor, then back to the pods. "Yes. These were the failures of Dr. Hojo, the abominations that came out of his mako experiments. It all makes sense now. He would not have known what doses are safe for humans without destroying lives first. Not him."

"But, what about you? You told me your mako level is so high it can't even be measured, and there's nothing wrong with you."

Looking back, I don't know what else I could have said. Sephiroth was drawing his own conclusions, stepping toward the edge of a cliff on his own, no matter what I did. But I'll never stop regretting those words. A horrible, pained confusion filled up Sephiroth's luminous eyes, a prelude to a terrible knowing. He turned his head from me to the pods, then slowly down to his own hands.

"N-No..."

"Seph? Seph, what's wrong?"

"High mako level," he whispered to himself. "Experimental. I am different. That's all they've ever told me, all he's ever told me. Hojo was always there, always watching me, like..."

I heard the words he couldn't say - like an experiment. It was an absurd notion, that Sephiroth, whose beauty awed everyone, could have any connection to these hideous things. But then why couldn't I come up with an explanation? What, then, had Angeal been determined to keep from Sephiroth no matter what it cost him?

He was facing away from me now, hunched over, shaking his head so the long hair, like threads of moonlight, whipped through the air. "The same. I am the same as them, created as they were. No, no..."

He must have sensed me coming, but I was quick enough to touch his shoulder. "Seph, no, those are monsters, you're nothing like - "

"Don't," he ordered, jerking away from me unsteadily to stare at the floor or his hands or nothing. "Don't touch me."

Angeal, I wanted to scream, he's breaking. I promised I'd look after him and I'm losing him, tell me what to do! I could only watch helplessly as Sephiroth's shoulders moved with the sobs he would never let out.

"I always knew I wasn't like the others, even when I was a child. I was alone, different, meant for something else. But...it can't be like this. Am I...am I even human?"

"Seph - "

"Go back to the others," he said in a strained voice. "I need to be alone for a few minutes."

I didn't want to leave him and was about to argue, but Sephiroth quickly slipped through a side door and was gone. Even if I had gotten a lot better at navigating, no one can find Sephiroth if he doesn't want to be found. Genesis had, once, but that was a game, and those children were gone - one dead, one mad, one about to break. I didn't think much of Loveless's Goddess if this was how she treated her heroes.

With my thoughts scattered and racing, I made my way back toward the entrance, not going too quickly in hope that Sephiroth might catch up with me. My old problems with paying proper attention had returned with a vengeance. I was so lost in my own fears and worries that I didn't hear or sense the figure nearby until it ran smack into me.

"Zack! Thank Gaia I found you!"

"Tifa, what the hell are you doing in here? We told you...wait, where's C-the cadet who was guarding you?"

"I'm so sorry!" she sobbed. "It's all my fault!"

I grabbed her shoulders and shook them as lightly as I could. "What happened?! Where is he?!"

"I insisted on coming inside, and he wouldn't let me go alone! This man came out of nowhere, he was flying, I know that sounds crazy but he had a black wing, and he knocked me down and grabbed the cadet and disappeared! I'm so sorry, I tried to stop him but - "

I spoke calmly somehow, when all I could hear inside my head was my own screaming. "Go back outside, hide yourself. I'll find him."

I unsheathed the Buster Sword and ran with it back toward the room with the pods, hoping to find Sephiroth and get his help but determined to put an end to Genesis either way. Angeal had nearly done it, with this blade, to protect me. I had to finish the job, for Cloud and Sephiroth both, and the belief I had that they could heal one another.

__

zfzfz

There was another door into the pod room, one that opened into the wide shadows of tall machinery and hid me from view. I heard the voices as soon as I entered and had to order myself to be stealthy, to take the advantage of surprise, because I wanted so badly to just leap at Genesis and tear him apart. I carefully crept closer, soundlessly, nearly deafened by the pounding of my heart.

"Don't be afraid, pretty," Genesis was cooing. "You'll like my game. You've never known pleasure like the kind I'll give you. You've never known much pleasure at all, have you? Oh, you've come close, though, haven't you? So many times, so many almosts. Your virginity clings to you like a thread."

"Please don't," Cloud cried softly. "Please, sir, just let me - "

"I can smell the desires of so many men on you. How does it feel, little one, to know that without your puppy protector you'd be violated every day, without end? Do you sense the loss of control you cause in your observers, hmm? Do you know why you do that? I'll tell you. Because you want this, pretty doll. You were made for this."

I could feel mako and rage burning in my eyes and veins. Slowly, slowly, but every second I didn't scream and pounce tormented me. I couldn't let Cloud be subjected to this, not my Spiky, who deserved love and respect, not this. They came into sight at last, and I saw that Genesis had Cloud trapped against a wall and was sniffing and kissing the skin of his face and jaw. Cloud was whimpering and struggling, but Genesis only laughed softly and gently squeezed between his legs.

"You can't escape, pretty, and you cannot hide from me. I'll see your secrets, and I'll show you some of mine. Unburden yourself to me, and I'll show you what you were destined for."

Cloud's eyes widened, with relief or fear for me, as he saw me begin to approach. Only for a moment, though, because they shut as Genesis's teeth sank into Cloud's neck, and with a soft groan all that blue was gone and he was dangling from Genesis's hold like a doll. I froze for a second (failure, I thought, not a hero, I can't save anyone), then I snapped out of it and charged. Genesis knew I was coming, of course, and he turned around just in time, dropping Cloud and drawing his sword. I noted how disheveled and deteriorated Genesis looked as our blades crashed together.

"Full circle again, little puppy," he smirked at me. "Your pretty pet is very sweet. No wonder even Sephiroth deigns to look at him."

"I'll kill you," I growled, and he laughed.

"Like you killed Angeal?"

It was stupid of me, so stupid, but I let that get to me. My wrist jerked as I recoiled from that horrible truth, just a little but enough, and my sword was knocked away from me. Desperate, I head-butted him, but the impact dazed us both and Genesis recovered before I did. He pulled my hair painfully with one hand to tilt my head, and I was drawn closer to him, near enough to see his canine teeth elongate into fangs.

Then there was a flash of silver like lightning, and the thunder that followed was the sound I made when I was ripped away from him and thrust to the floor. Hard landings were nothing new to me, and I sprang to my feet (just a little unsteadily) as Sephiroth pointed Masamune at Genesis and glared at him with a fury that chilled me. It only softened a bit when he glanced at me.

"Take care of Strife."

He need not have asked, I was already hurrying to Cloud. The wounds were still visible on his neck, and he seemed mostly unconscious and trembled when I put my arms around him. But Genesis hadn't had him long, that little blood loss wasn't dangerous. I could only assume that this reaction was some sort of shock from the fear or whatever memories he had been shown. (I was strangely calm about the revelation that the blood exchange caused both victim and drinker to see each other's memories.) I held Spiky close to me as we rested against the wall, and whispered that everything would be all right.

Genesis glanced at Cloud, then looked bitterly back to his former friend. "You care about something at last, Seph? I thought you were a better monster than Angeal, but here you are showing the same weakness. The same devotion to something small."

I took note of Sephiroth's hurt expression, that of an animal caught in a trap. "Shut up!" I snapped.

"Don't worry, Seph, it's you I really wanted to see. The Goddess has brought us here. She wills that you should know the truth at last."

"What do you want?" Sephiroth hissed coldly.

"Oh, do you care about what I want?" Genesis asked with mock surprise. "That's new also. If you had given me what I wanted years ago, I would not have had to seek anything else. Maybe I should thank you. In not caring for me, you freed me to serve Her."

"I do care about you," Sephiroth said quietly.

"Yes, as a friend. Such friends we were. Loveless foretold it. Angeal gave his heart to something else. I will be the Goddess's champion. The remaining friend will live without love, never able to give or receive it. That's your fate, Sephiroth. The Goddess wills it," Genesis said, waving a hand toward the metal door I had looked at earlier. "And She's guided us here so you can learn the truth of what you are. What we are, what Jenova's cells made us."

"Mother's...cells?"

Sephiroth turned toward the stairs that led up to the door, analyzing the word above it and struggling to draw meaning out of this. He seemed smaller, somehow, like even a breath could knock him down if it tried, and Genesis was trying. He approached Sephiroth with a weakened version of his old feline walk, eyes locked and shining with bitterness and want.

"Poor Sephiroth. You only ever knew her name. Did you think she was human? Did you think you were?"

"Genesis, shut up!" I snapped again, but they both ignored me.

"Jenova was discovered in a geological stratum, two thousand years old. Her cells were used for the Jenova Project."

"What does the Jenova Project have to do with me?" Sephiroth asked, with a stronger voice now and a face fighting to stay blank.

"That's the name for the overall experiment. Project G gave birth to Angeal and me, Hollander's monsters. Then there's Project S. Hojo made a better monster, one whose genes don't spread, who will never deteriorate. He made you."

"Seph, he's lying!" I called desperately. "You're human, the same as me!" but he wouldn't look at me. His shoulders were slumped and moving with each breath he forced in and out, his hands curled uselessly toward the floor. Genesis floated nearer until he could waft a hand through the silver hair, as I had seen him do in Angeal's memory. Genesis maneuvered himself to face Sephiroth, slowly brushing the hair back behind his shoulder.

"Don't believe me?" he murmured, gentle now, as he must have been when they were young and he believed he had a chance. "Help me to survive. Let me drink, and I'll show you proof, the documents I've seen and the confessions I heard. I'll let you see everything I have, including the father that Gast and Hollander never told you about."

Sephiroth didn't struggle or react as Genesis pushed one side of his jacket away to bare the white curve of neck. Genesis's voice remained mesmerizing, seductive, but his eyes were pleading as one arm encircled the body to draw it closer and the other hand disappeared behind the hair to stroke the nape. Sephiroth's head was tilted downward, his arms limp. He made no protest as he was drawn forward except a soft noise, like a sob from someone who had never made the sound before and didn't know how to stop it.

"Be my friend, Sephiroth." Genesis put his mouth and nose against the marble face, the moonlight hair, and sighed in rapture. "Just once, let me hold you the way I wanted to."

I couldn't speak, only hold Cloud close to me and watch with numb horror. Sephiroth let his face fall against the tattered scarlet of Genesis's coat, shuddered just once as arms embraced him and something was whispered in his ear. He was perfectly still then, as Genesis's smiling mouth went to the base of his neck and the satisfied groan that followed echoed against the metal of the room. A few seconds passed, like raindrops clinging to a leaf before they fall, and - 

Sephiroth let out a strangled cry and broke free, staggering back, and he could never be a statue again, not as he trembled under the weight of something unseen and stared with an expression that flashed me back to Angeal, the day he'd almost raped me and given me up instead. Even the child I'd seen in memories had worn a mask of calm, a shell of controlled hurt that was my friend as much as his silver eyes or occasional smirk. Now Sephiroth was exposed in the shock and pain twisting his face, drawn out of hiding by Genesis again, and, just as awful, he was still so beautiful. Even if he shattered, the pieces would never be free of the beauty that had always set him apart.

"N-No," he said. "No, no..."

Genesis hadn't moved since he was shoved away. There was no triumph in his cowering half-crouch, no lust in the graceful features that were staring in horror. His mouth was open in shock, and two tears tinged red with blood streaked his face.

"Seph," he gasped, "I..."

"Hojo," Sephiroth whispered, shrinking into himself and taking one jolting step back for each Genesis took forward. "No, no..."

"You didn't..." Genesis's mouth pushed the words out only with effort. "He told me you liked it, you wanted it, you got it for being good and special. Seph, I'm so..."

Sephiroth looked at Genesis with cold detachment, a forced calm dampening the pain, but it was obvious. It wasn't with anger but a kind of futile denial that he drew Masamune as Genesis ambled closer and pierced him with it, watching with confusion more than anything else as his old friend fell to his knees. Their eyes remained locked for a long moment in which no one breathed, then Sephiroth's head turned to the top-most metal door again, like he was listening for something. His arm relaxed, Masamune's tip grazed the floor, and his lips mouthed something. Looking back, I'm almost sure it was "Mother".

Genesis, holding his fist against the wound in his abdomen, looked back and forth between Sephiroth and the word 'Jenova', and his sadness shifted into a growing anger. "She's speaking to you, isn't She? No! NO! Everyone's hero, first in everything, you can't take Her from me too!"

Sephiroth didn't seem to hear, so Genesis awkwardly turned himself toward the stairs, on his knees and pleading like a man in desperate prayer. "You only wanted him?" he said with quiet disbelief, and I caught myself pitying this man I hated. "All this time I obeyed, and You only wanted him?"

"Moth...er?" Sephiroth whispered uncertainly. "The...voice."

"Yes." Genesis slumped on the floor. His voice was too weary for anger. "Your mother was a monster and your father the man you hate, and now, you've killed your last childhood friend. You are a perfect monster. Exactly what they wanted you to be."

"Seph, no, you are human! You played, don't you remember? You and Angeal conquered hills and meadows in Banora. That's who you are, not this!"

He hesitated, slowly tore his gaze from the direction of the voice and looked at me. No...not at me.

"Seph, think about Cloud. Remember what I told you."

As Genesis scowled darkly, Sephiroth came closer to us, shuffling his feet like he was fighting a force that tried to hold him back. He knelt down, and I saw his eyes flash green to silver, silver to green, back and forth so fast that he seemed lost, unsure of where or who he was. I shifted Cloud to hold him up, and he began to whimper at the loss of contact. Sephiroth touched his cheek, cradled it with an uncertain hand. Cloud leaned into it and went quiet instantly, and the silver overpowered the green.

I smiled and was about to hand Cloud to him, but before I could say anything, Genesis did. He spoke sullenly, a spoiled child denied all his toys again, and cruelly, willing to break them rather than give them away.

"You know, you'll only do to that one what Hojo did to you, Seph. That's how it works. Do you think the puppy would be holding him like that if not for Angeal's busy hands?"

Sephiroth's fingers had been tentatively exploring Cloud's face; now they froze. "Angeal...?"

"You don't actually think he waited for the puppy to grow up, do you? Let me tell you about perfect Angeal - "

"Shut the fuck up!" I roared at Genesis. "Seph, don't listen to him. I was the one who had to convince Angeal. He wasn't himself toward the end, but before that, we were happy."

His eyes were maybe a foot from mine, silver with green at their borders trying to push its way in. Like with Angeal, watching him struggle between darkness and light before he succumbed and left me. I had been his light, he told me that once, and Colin Moray had said something similar, staring at me with an over-bright gaze. Don't think of the dead, Zack, I told myself, Sephiroth is here and alive and needing me to say Genesis is lying.

"Seph, I had to beg him."

"For meaning, puppy. For the words that made the touching okay. Not for his hands. They put you on your knees the first day he had you. Angeal hushed you and said it's all right, but you trembled, little puppy, you were afraid. I saw, in your memory. I felt it."

"Angeal..." Sephiroth's expression was a bleak horror that war heroes don't wear, expressing a trauma that they can't feel and still be who they are. "Angeal."

"I loved him," was all I could say. "Seph, I swear. He loved us. Please...don't..."

My eyes were too full to see if the green had overtaken the silver. Sephiroth's hand fell away from Cloud, slowly, as though he were saying goodbye. He touched my hand, squeezed it, and put it over Cloud's.

"Take care of him," he said, and he was upright and walking away.

"Sephiroth! SEPH!"

He walked past Genesis, head up, posture straight, without looking at him. Genesis started to reach out a hand to him, then stretched it toward the 'Jenova' door instead. He weakly shifted to lay on the lowest stairs but left his arm raised, bloody fingers groping for the goddess who had stopped speaking. I saw tears spill from his closed eyes as I lifted Cloud up, drew the Buster and headed for the door.

"'One will rise above the others and...'" he was whispering.

"It'll be okay," I promised Cloud, wishing Angeal was there to tell me the same lie.

**To be continued.**


	37. Puppet Behavior

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 37 - Puppet Behavior**

 

Tifa apologized tearfully all the way back to Nibelheim. She was so upset that I began to feel bad for her, and repeatedly told her it was okay. When I asked, she also said that Sephiroth had gone ahead back to the village, and that he hadn't answered her when she spoke to him. I was worried about Seph. But most of my focus was on Cloud, who was still out of it, only awake enough to cling to me and whimper.

When we arrived, Tifa seemed reluctant to leave us when I dismissed her, so I told her that if she wanted to help, she could ask around to find out where Sephiroth had gone and leave any information she got with the innkeeper for me. She seemed glad to be of assistance and hurried off, and I got Cloud upstairs and into the bedroom the cadets had been using.

Cloud still clung to my arm when I put him down on the bed, so I had to remove his helmet and boots one-handed before laying down beside him and holding him close. It worried me that his eyes were shut and he was shaking, like he was trapped in a nightmare. I jostled him a little, told him to wake up and that everything was all right, as Angeal had done for me. Slowly, his big blue eyes blinked open, timid and fearful, but he continued to tremble.

"Spiky? It's okay, I got ya. You're safe." I expected relief, but he was still squirming and made a sad little sound. "Cloud, it's me. It's all over. What's wrong?"

He looked down at himself, and groaned miserably as his face turned pink and contorted with anguish. Cloud tried to roll away, to shrink back though I held on to him, and I saw with concern (but not surprise) what the problem was. A growing bulge was stretching the crotch of his blue uniform pants, and the muscles of his thighs were quaking around it. For all I knew, he had little or no experience with this kind of thing, and he seemed too frozen and afraid to deal with it.

"Hey, Spiky, it's okay. It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry," he whimpered, and it went into my heart like an arrow. "I'm so sorry."

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut as tears streamed out of them, and that made up my mind. He was too upset to take care of this, so I would do it, make it as good for him as I could, and hope he didn't hate me afterward. I rolled him onto his back and nudged his legs apart to sit between them. I was acting without thought, like what I was doing was the only obvious thing, but all the while, a little muted voice in the back of my head said this was probably wrong. Whatever my intentions, no matter how good they were, Cloud was in no condition to consent. He was just barely sixteen, I was twenty, not a big difference, but he was so young, so small. But...after all, it had been okay with Angeal, more than okay. It would be okay.

"I love ya, Spiky," I said softly. "I just want to help."

Cloud calmed a little as I pushed his uniform shirt up and pressed my lips to his stomach, his trembling slowly fading in favor of shivering. I stroked his sides with my hands, trying to relax the muscles beneath. His skin was so soft and warm, his body so small, like something made to be held and cuddled. Experimentally, I let my hands move higher, and he arched up and moaned as I thumbed his nipples.

"It's okay," I whispered, confused then as I am now, torn between my need to protect him and my desire to see him satisfied and spent. Cloud's eyes were shut, tears streaked his sweet face, but he responded to every touch with needy gasps, like he'd always known I would do this and was relieved it would be over soon. Is this what Angeal felt? Is this what he'd looked at me and seen?

Cloud whimpered and thrust upward, and I understood. When I carefully unzipped his pants and parted the blue cloth, it protruded toward me, swelling beneath the white fabric of his underwear. He wasn't very big, but still bigger than I had expected, because I had never expected to see him like this. Still, my breath caught in my throat as I gently eased the underwear down and he moaned as his erection was freed. Cloud was, is, so beautiful, and I had to appreciate the way his usual innocence was now layered over with arousal.

"It's okay, I'm gonna make it better."

A pearly-white drop of fluid glistened on the head. I kissed it away and licked the clean taste of it from my lips, thinking painfully that it tasted nothing like the chemical musk of Angeal's. I had loved going down on Angeal, maybe more so because he didn't let me do it as often as I wanted, and had done it with the same hungry frenzy as he displayed each time he took me. I couldn't pretend this was Angeal, even if doing so wouldn't have been unfair to Cloud. This body was just too different, too small; the hands were fisting the blankets, not petting my hair, as I began to lick. I wanted to draw it out just a little, to make the pleasure last longer for Cloud, so I went slowly, fingering the tight balls.

But Cloud whimpered, then made a sobbing sound, so without further delay I took as much of him into my mouth as I could and began to suck. The noises he made changed, full of unmistakable pleasure now, and he thrust upward again, into my throat. This was new for me, Angeal had been careful not to do this, but I could take it, so I let Cloud do it, and hummed in a way that Angeal had liked. Cloud jerked suddenly, would have choked me if I hadn't pulled back a little, and my mouth was full of wet heat. I closed my eyes as I swallowed, allowed myself just a second of pretending that Angeal was about to pull me into his arms and kiss me to sample his taste on my tongue.

When I looked down, though, it was Cloud, my little Spiky who I had to protect, and after a minute of recovery, he blinked at me with both sleepiness and horror, somehow. I smiled reassuringly, quickly fixing his uniform like this was all normal.

"It's okay," I said. "It's Genesis's fault, not yours. I know, believe me, the same thing happened to me, and...shit, Spiky, I'm sorry. Don't hate me, please?"

He was blushing and embarrassed, but looked at me with surprise. "I could never hate you," he whispered unsteadily. "You were helping me, I just...Zack, I'm sorry. I couldn't make it go away, I'm sorry you had - "

"Nuh-uh, no you don't. Didn't you hear me? I love you. We're friends, right, best friends? I always want to help you and I never mind. You didn't do anything wrong, you never do."

Cloud sat up and I helped him, easing him back against the headboard and pillows. He gave me a tiny but genuine smile, and I grinned weakly. There was some awkwardness between us, but he was still looking at me the way he always did - fondly with just a touch of amazement - so I let out a deep breath and told myself we would be okay. He didn't jump or pull away when I tugged his collar down a little to check the marks Genesis's teeth had left. They were gone.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded, looking down at his lap. "Thank you. I thought he was gonna kill me. He said he wouldn't...but I was so afraid."

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Hey, nobody hurts my Spiky if I can help it. I'm sorry, kiddo. He went after you 'cause of me." Because of Sephiroth too, but no need to say that.

"What does he want?"

"I'm not sure. I've never really been sure."

"I wish I was a SOLDIER," Cloud said softly. "Then maybe I'd be able to help you and the general."

"Believe me, you already help us both, more than you know," I said quietly. "Besides, I don't think now is a good time to be a SOLDIER. Maybe never again. Hell, maybe it never was."

"What happened? I know he...bit me, and I saw things," Cloud murmured, looking away. "But I don't remember anything after that."

"I don't know."

I stood up, paced around a little, slow shuffling across the floorboards and rag rug giving way to hurried, frustrated strides from wall to wall and back again. This felt like an irritation that had been building in me for years, since I was a cadet, a child without realizing it, being protected more than I wanted, if not more than I needed. I had loved Angeal while he lived too much to be angry at him for trying to keep me innocent and oblivious. As long as I'd known Sephiroth, especially while I had been his adopted puppy, I was so honored to be his friend that I didn't question the million things he must have known and kept from me. But now, with one gone and the other pushing me away, I could be angry at last.

"I always listened," I muttered, "always obeyed, always backed off when they told me I didn't need to know, or thought I was too young or I couldn't handle it. They should've known they wouldn't always be here! That I would have to face some things on my own! I don't know what to do, how to save anyone, and I can't even hate them!"

I pulled the Buster off the nearby desk and held it up, ready to take this frustration out on the furniture. But even if I wasn't as bouncy as I used to be, I still couldn't hold on to negative emotions for long. I saw Cloud's anxiety, his worry for me. I lowered my sword and smiled tiredly at him.

"Sorry, Spiky."

"It's okay." Cloud shrugged, and for a moment looked older than I think he ever will again. "I don't think SOLDIERs always know what to do and are never afraid. Not anymore."

We can't be monsters, I thought. I can't be, not if someone like you cares for me. "Still want to be one?" I teased.

"Maybe it's better not to be, like you said." Cloud looked forlornly at the mattress beneath him. "I don't know how I'd deal with having to kill people up close. I would hate it. That would keep me from being in SOLDIER, wouldn't it?"

He was still looking down, didn't see the wonder on my face as I remembered Angeal's voice from our first day together, from the clearing he had filled with flowers in defiance of bloodshed and lost innocence. I'm not sure my feet touched the floor as I returned to the bed and sat down, staring at Cloud with a tightening in my chest, comforted by his purity as Angeal had once seemed to prize mine. I couldn't want him the way I did, not while longing for Angeal, Angeal who had warned me this might happen.

"Spiky." I cupped his chin to tilt his face up, allowed myself only that touch. "No, that wouldn't stop you. You would always hate to kill, like me. But there are ways of dealing with it."

"Like what?"

You could shut down the human in you, like Sephiroth, I thought. Which works, until something worth caring for draws it out of hiding, and it breaks. Damn Genesis for revealing the Jenova Project to him, and twisting what Angeal had done to me, and...shit, he'd mentioned Seph's father, and Seph had staggered back, choking out one name like a rope of vomit. Then Genesis had said...fuck. Hojo. Hojo was Seph's father. I felt so sick I couldn't even summon up rage.

"Zack?" Cloud sounded far away at first, then he was hugging me and I was gently clinging to him, holding him like I wanted to hide him from everything. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just spaced, I'm good." I brushed my lips over his cheek. "You...you don't have to...maybe we shouldn't - "

"We're friends, right? Best friends." Cloud smiled as I mussed his hair, I felt it. "How do you deal with it?"

"Balance," I said, pulling myself back from him and taking his hand. "Creating something, not just destroying."

I expected confusion and the cute expression of thought, but Cloud regarded me with a sad smile and blue, old-soul eyes, and nodded. "Like the way you care so much about the general? And the way you help me?"

"Yep. And the way I'm gonna be a hero!"

"But you are a hero," Cloud said, so simply and insistently that I found myself hugging him again.

Cloud pulled me to lay next to him on the bed and squeezed me while I quietly wept for Angeal, and everything else I'd ever lost. Everything I was going to lose during the five years I had left. Neither of us said anything, even when Cloud remembered Cadet Tully and cried against my shoulder for him. We comforted one another with chaste hands until I had calmed and Cloud drifted into sleep. I remember we kept a few inches of space between our bodies, as though we were both wanting to embrace Sephiroth too.

__

zfzfz

True to her word, Tifa had left information for me with the innkeeper, that Sephiroth had been seen going into the building they called the ShinRa Mansion. I felt cold as I stepped into that place, even more so than outside in the crisp mountain air. It was ornately but darkly furnished, and though the layout was simple, I lost my way a few times. So many hallways, and they all looked the same. I tried sensing Sephiroth's mako with mine, and found myself heading down a long spiral stairway to the basement.

I reached an ancient-looking stone hallway, with a door on the left and one ahead. I almost turned left, but then I swore I heard something straight ahead. That door led to a study adjoining a library, where Sephiroth was pacing up and down, his eyes glued to a file he held and his lips moving soundlessly.

"Uh, Seph?" I called weakly. He made no sign he knew I was there. "Are you okay?"

He stopped and stood still, facing away from me and continuing to read. I could always tell when he was upset, and he was now.

"Look, sir, I wanted you to know...Angeal..." My throat felt dry. "If he had hurt me, I wouldn't have loved him. Well, maybe I would have. But the bad stuff he did, that wasn't him." No response, so I switched to another subject. "I know you're hurting. You don't have to go through that alone. Let me help you, like you always help me when I'm sad."

"Sad?" Sephiroth echoed the word in a chilly tone, the kind of voice he used on people he didn't know and didn't want to. "What do I have to be sad about? After twenty years of being lied to, I know the truth at last. Jenova was a Cetra, one of the people deposed and destroyed by your ancestors. Jenova. My mother."

"Seph..."

"She's been trying to speak to me for so long, to tell me how I may reclaim the planet for her, her people. My people."

Sephiroth, a Cetra? It would help explain how different he was, but I didn't see in him the same kind of quiet power Aerith had. In fact, Sephiroth's usual air of dignified confidence and alertness was different now, thrumming with a sort of animal intensity.

"Seph, look at me? Please?"

He turned, not hurriedly, and I couldn't hold back a choked sob. His eyes were glowing green, not with mako but with the thing I'd seen in Angeal, and Sephiroth seemed momentarily jolted by my fear. His stare flashed silver, and a very human confusion shone through the beautiful mask.

"Zack," he said, making my name almost a question. "Leave. Take Cloud and go back to Midgar. I can't keep my promise to Angeal, but I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm not leaving you," I insisted, stepping closer. "You're my friend, and besides, I promised Angeal too."

He shoved me back, pushing me roughly against a wall of bookshelves as green overtook the silver again. "Angeal was a traitor, just like your ancestors," he hissed. "Like you. Like all of you."

"Seph, you don't have to do this! You can love Cloud, you won't hurt him!"

Sephiroth turned away. He shook his head slowly and continued to do so as he picked up another open file. His shoulders slumped as he looked at it, and when his voice came it was his own, or maybe it belonged to the child who had been different and never known why.

"Dr. Gast, why didn't you tell me? Why...did you leave?"

"Seph," I said desperately, painfully. "You're not like that thing. And you're not like Hojo."

He whirled back too quickly for me to react or realize. I remember the silver hair whipping with the turn of his head, Masamune approaching at an odd angle, like Sephiroth was attacking me with the hilt, not the blade...and everything went dark.

__

zfzfz

I knew something was wrong when I came to, and not just that Sephiroth had attacked me. As the haze of unconsciousness lifted and my senses awoke, I sensed some kind of disorder outside, and a faint smell in the air that made me remember Banora. The destruction, the burning. The absence of Angeal.

I propped myself up with the wide blade of the Buster Sword, then once steady, I drew strength from it and hurried to the front door as fast as I could. I hadn't imagined or remembered the burning. Nibelheim was in flames, and soot and ash were wafting around on the mountain breeze. I thought of Cloud immediately and headed for the inn, checking the two or three bodies I passed and finding them dead. As I got up from the last, I spotted spiky blond hair in front of a mostly-unburnt house and ran to it.

Cloud was kneeling beside the motionless body of a woman, weeping but otherwise frozen. I had to shake him before he began to sob and acknowledge my presence.

"Z-Zack, my mother..."

"I'm so sorry, Spiky. What happened?"

"The villagers said...S-Sephiroth...he went crazy. He started the fires and headed to the reactor. And Zangan said Tifa - " Cloud's eyes went wide, a glimpse of blue beneath a night sky lit by flame. "Tifa followed him! I-I have to..."

"Ssh, Spiky, listen to me," I said firmly. "You're gonna head out the front village entrance and wait for reinforcements. Someone will need to report to them. Take along any survivors you find. But get out of here, that's an order. I'll handle this."

The little blue skies flooded with rain, and I absently touched Colin's pendant that hung from my belt. "But what if he - you can't go alone - I want to help," he whimpered.

"Spiky, I'm not gonna die anytime soon. Don't ask me how I know that, just trust that I do. We'll see each other again soon. Now go. Please."

To show Cloud I trusted him, I stood and ran toward the rear village entrance without making sure he obeyed me. In retrospect, not one of my better decisions. Unless Fate really is as powerful as some people believe, in which case we're really nothing more than pieces on a game-board or characters in a planet's story. I'm not sure which idea I like better. Believing that my choices are truly mine, or that my losses and mistakes are all part of a bigger plan.

__

zfzfz

Sephiroth had opened the Jenova door and was standing at it when I crashed into the pod room. He faced a statue-like figurehead of metal in the shape of a humanoid female, and tore it away to reveal a mako tank behind. I couldn't see much of the creature in it, just long whitish hair that was exactly like Sephiroth's. It looked dead, but I knew it wasn't. This was the thing that had used Genesis, had destroyed Angeal, and was now poisoning Sephiroth.

"Mother," he said, in an awful parody of his gentlest voice, "let's take the planet back together. I've come up with a plan."

"Sephiroth!" I yelled, unable to keep my voice from breaking. My mind kept flashing to Tifa, injured, maybe dying, a kid only Cloud's age who had moments before drawn away from me with contempt. We were supposed to be heroes... "Why did you hurt Tifa and the villagers?! What the hell are you doing?! Answer me!"

Sephiroth laughed, a cold sound that was itself an intimidating weapon. "Mother, the traitors are coming again. Mother was supposed to be the ruler of this planet with her power and wisdom. But the ones like you...took it away."

I drew the Buster, not to start a fight but in hopes it would trigger his memories of Angeal. "Seph, this is not you. Genesis was using you before, just like ShinRa, and now like that thing. Someone always has been, and you're right to be angry. But this won't help anything. Angeal - "

"Traitor. A traitor to Mother, like all the others."

Sephiroth was directly in front of me and letting Masamune fly before I could begin to formulate an answer. There seemed to be nothing of my friend in the face and cold, calculating smile, nothing in the poison-green eyes that indicated he recognized me at all. But I had to try once more.

"Seph, you know this sword, you know me! You don't want to fight either of us! Remember Angeal!"

He only hissed at me, and began his attack in earnest. All those spars with him over the years and the level of skill he'd pushed me to attain served me well. I wasn't at all sure I could win, but I was holding my own on defense, and I hoped that if I could just hold him off long enough, he'd snap out of it. But this wasn't the Sephiroth I knew and loved, the one I'd been left to and the one Angeal left to me. He wasn't going to exhaust me to the floor and give me a hand up, he would not stop until one of us was dead.

If not for my responsiblity to Cloud, I might have kneeled down and bared my throat rather than kill Sephiroth, the other half of Angeal's heart.

I felt myself weakening, while his strength never diminished or wavered. In fighting, in battle, Sephiroth had always been inhuman, even to me. He was relentless, battering at me with that famous blade flashing like lightning. In the back of my mind, Reno's voice repeated his prophecy, and the certainty that I could not die here continually rejuvenated my limbs and weighed on my heart.

But, as a stunning blow to my injured body sent me flying to the bottom of the steps and into the cool shadows, I knew with perfect, numbly calm clarity that the fight was over. I had lost. I had lost him. Even as he looked down at me before turning around and a flash of pained awareness passed through his eyes, I knew Sephiroth was beyond my reach. I had barely acknowledged the pain of my many injuries, but now I began to weep, tears that burned paths down my cold face.

Seventeen years earlier, in a village that no longer existed, a silver-haired child turned away from his friends. "I never had a mother," he said flatly, and ascended a grassy hill into the afternoon sunlight. A lifetime later, Sephiroth looked down the slant of stairs at me, eyes burning green, and for just that moment I saw a desperately hurt confusion in them, the Seph I had known making one last struggle. But in this life, we are bound to go where our paths take us. The completion of Sephiroth's circle lay in the ascent he made now, the rise of metal he climbed to the mother he had always lacked.

I closed my eyes, only intending to blink, but I must have been out for at least a minute. I opened them in alarm when I heard Cloud shouting, and watched in horror as he raced up the stairs holding the Buster that I had lost. There was no time to tell him no, though Gaia knows he had every right to try. I couldn't see him once he reached the top, and my heart pounded to hear glass cracking and Sephiroth grunt with pain. I think it then stopped for a second when Cloud made a similar noise. I tried to drag myself up the stairs, tried to ignore the stabbing and throbbing sensations every shift caused me. But I could only wait, and I'd swear I lived a hundred lifetimes in that minute or two.

I heard the footsteps first, light and unsteady, and then Cloud appeared, staggering as he pressed one hand to his abdomen. He was injured, and paler than usual, but Gaia, he was alive. I hadn't lost them both. I couldn't yet process the idea of life without Sephiroth, I only knew that I had to get to Cloud, had to keep him alive until help arrived.

"Spiky," I croaked. "It's okay, we're gonna be..."

He lurched forward and slid bumpily down the steps, close enough for me to pat his hair and hear him still breathing as his eyes shut. I put the last bit of strength I had into my extended hand, like petting Cloud would keep him alive, protect him as Angeal had protected me.

"Cloud, you did so..." I whispered, and the blackness swallowed everything, like a night sky from which the stars had been stolen.

**To be continued.**


	38. From the Deep

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 38 - From the Deep**

 

I regained a blurry consciousness briefly when I heard voices around me and felt the firm softness of a stretcher beneath. The pain was going away and my wounds were knitting themselves together. I noted absently that it was being done by I.V.-administered Potion, which seemed strange. That has the same healing effect as drinking the Potion or being Cured, but unlike those methods, injection fixes injury without restoring energy. Even as I was mended I couldn't move, could barely blink, but I tried to turn my head, groaning as it fell to one side.

"Ssh, it's okay," a male voice said from above, and I squinted through half-open eyes at messy brown hair and a distorted, vaguely familiar face. "We're taking care of you. Stay still."

"Cloud, Cloud - "

"The blond boy? They're fixing him up, he's gonna be fine."

I closed my eyes with an exhale of grateful relief, and when I looked again my vision was clearer. I recognized the face observing me now, though the name still eluded me. It was one of the younger doctors from the science lab, the one who had used to compliment me on my eyes, the one who had come to Costa del Sol to do my mako treatments and had expressed concern about my lack of appetite.

I felt reassured to see him, but I continued to weakly scan the movement all around me, needing to see Cloud with my own eyes. I caught sight of him on another stretcher, unconscious but being dosed with Potion in the same way I was. I was about to call out to him, to tell him it would all be okay, when someone stepped between us and blocked my view of Cloud's face. White lab coat, dark ponytail, hands folded behind his back. I prayed to be wrong, but there was no mistaking Hojo's shrill voice.

"So this boy is the one who finished him off? Fascinating, just fascinating. I'll take this one too. He'll make an excellent test subject."

"No!" I shouted, trying to struggle, shrugging off the hand that stroked my hair, but the warm weight of a Sleep spell fell over me, and I was gone again.

__

zfzfz

I don't want to talk about the lab and what went on there. I can't even think about it without feeling prickly all over, not like my skin's crawling but like it's trying to tear itself off. Most days, I would have found that a relief. That, death, the drugs that knocked me out...except for Cloud. Being alive meant I could take care of him as much as I was allowed, hold him, soothe him when he cried even in the nearly unconscious state he was usually in. Some days I remembered nothing but him, and while petting his hair I was jolted to remember Angeal doing the same to mine. So many nights, when he thought I was asleep, Angeal would lay awake for hours, combing his fingers through my spikes as I breathed softly against his chest.

Fuck, I don't want to talk about it. And I'm sure you, whoever you are, don't want to hear it. But what I feel is like every grief in my life has been woven together and is trapped in my heart. Will telling free me of this, as crying once uncoiled the snake from my stomach? Maybe.

I promised myself I'd hold nothing back from this memoir. Of what I remember, I'll tell as much as I can bear to. You'll be witness to these horrors, stranger who has traveled with me this far. You will see what was done to Cloud and I while the world thought we were dead. What ShinRa did, and allowed.

__

zfzfz

I don't remember being told anything when we were first brought to the basement laboratory of the ShinRa Mansion, but I must have been, because when I was lucid, I knew things. And because Hojo liked to talk, I gained more information over time. Cloud and I had been declared dead along with Sephiroth. The 1st Class had nearly revolted at the news, but order had been kept by the cool heads of Commanders Averman and Halloran. Still, many deserted or disappeared, and the rest were in mourning, zombies rallying themselves and each other with "For Sephiroth" (and even "For Zack") and yet performing like dancers without music. There was nothing to follow anymore.

I knew what Hojo intended for Cloud and I was to continue Project S, though the specifics weren't clear to me at first. Never really were, to be honest. Part of the reason for that was the drugs, a lot of them. Mako, for one, a higher dose than I was used to, and Substance J, which I knew was Jenova cells. And drugs to make us cooperate, sometimes something like Selatacyn to keep us still, sometimes another that knocked you out or made you sleepy and dazed. I hated that one, because it made physical pain impossible and left me with the kind I wouldn't have chosen to keep.

Time was impossible to keep track of there. Not just days, but hours. We were "fed" intravenously with a vitamin-rich solution three times a day, but often it felt like a lot more or a lot less. I think the first day I was lucid at all was the day Hojo complained about that Turk commander trying to gain access to the mansion, always prying and asking questions. Cloud and I were side-by-side on examining tables for injections, and I was alert enough to pay attention.

"Tseng?" I murmured, wondering if he guessed we were alive, or if Reno knew.

"Don't worry," Hojo laughed. "The president won't let him interrupt my work. You and Subject C will be superior creatures when I'm done with you. If not, you'll at least be stepping-stones on the road to a race of god-men. Like Sephiroth."

"You aren't worthy to speak his name," I hissed.

He laughed, knowing how harmless I was no matter what I knew. "I gave him everything. Including his name," he said, inserting the needle and gently scraping it along my arm when it was withdrawn. "You cared for him, didn't you?"

I refused to answer, refused to let myself be mocked for a wound that was still open, but I couldn't keep back the tears. Hojo laughed again, a sound straight out of a nightmare.

"Then I'll tell you a secret, Subject Z, something to make you more cooperative. I don't think Sephiroth is gone forever. With the proper application of Jenova cells and the right host, I think I can recreate him. You should be honored to take part in my work."

Cloud groaned softly in his sleep, and I weakly tried to reach for him. "Cloud's just a cadet," I pleaded. "Let him go and I'll do anything you want."

"Yes, you will, both of you. And you will be anything I want."

Hojo felt the muscles in my arms and abdomen and then did the same to Cloud, as though he were comparing us. At first, his touching had been only that, like any scientist's curiosity about the surface of something. It changed one day when I was strong enough to angrily refuse a scan with Sense materia, the specialized kind used by medical practitioners. Angeal had taught me how to make the mental wall that blocked enemies from learning your stats, but I'd rarely had need or the patience to use it. Hojo wanted me awake, I guess, or he would've just knocked me out, and he knew my real weakness. He stepped from me to Cloud, smirking as fear filled my face.

"Okay, I'll stop, just leave him alone."

Hojo didn't have many methods of punishing us. The mako hurt, but not much combined with the other drugs, and I guess we were too valuable to damage. Separation was the worst, and I thought he would roll Cloud onto a gurney and put him in another room to teach me a lesson. Instead he pet Cloud's hair gently, drawing a relieved sound from him; Spiky must have thought it was me. The other hand's fingers played over Cloud's face, the porcelain features frowning just slightly.

"Subject C is quite a pretty child, isn't he? Sweet and delicate and fragile, just like a doll."

"Get your hands off him," I growled. "You fucking sick - "

One hand went to Cloud's chest and slowly descended.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, changing tactics. "I'm sorry, Doctor, please, I'll be good, just don't..."

"You won't refuse anymore, will you, Subject Z?"

"No, Doctor," I said, feeling a nausea that drug-numbness couldn't dull. 

"Good. If you behave today, you will be rewarded. Cooperation is better, Subject Z. Remember that."

I hated to do it, but for hours afterward I did what I was told on the first request and answered the questions I had always scowled at before. I didn't growl when Hojo patted my head like a dog, I didn't squirm when needles approached, I didn't scream that I was Zack, not Subject Z. And that night, before we were sedated and put into our mako tubes, one of the assistants gave me a milder tranquilizer than usual and wheeled me to a small room that was thickly padded all around, the floor, the ceiling, the walls, the heavy metal door. He sat me down against the far wall and told me to wait, and Hojo came in a moment later with Cloud. My heart seized up with fear of what might be happening, but then Cloud was placed on my lap and clung to me instinctively with the relieved noise, and I was so happy to be able to hold him that I just put my face into his hair and wept. His fingers weakly tried to grasp my shoulders, either to comfort me or to keep from being torn away, I don't know.

"Spiky," I whispered. "It's okay, baby, I've got you."

"Does he know it's you, do you suppose?" Hojo asked softly, with a strange light in his eyes.

I wanted to kill him, tear him into pieces in that moment and every one after. But I had no strength to do anything but clasp Cloud to me, and I couldn't pull away when Hojo grabbed my wrist and used it to force my hand between Cloud's legs. "No," I said, meaning to yell but begging instead, and he looked at me emotionlessly. Not because he didn't understand, like Sephiroth, but because he didn't care, which is infinitely worse.

"Your hands or mine."

Fuck, Spiky, I'm so sorry. I couldn't let that monster touch you. Maybe it's worse that I, your best friend, held you in a hug that you trusted to be safe and jerked you off while you were unaware and mostly unconscious. You snuggled closer to me and I whispered love and apologies in sobs that couldn't drown even your softest moans. Hojo watched intently, like we were something anticipated happening in a petrie dish, and when it was over, he nodded and left without a word. I was allowed to hold you for an hour, then, and that became the routine, the ritual that was nothing like Angeal's had ever, ever been. Enough time wrapped in my arms and my voice and you would calm, stop the constant shifting and whimpering and rest like you were having dreams instead of nightmares. On those nights, your sleep would be as peaceful as a tired child's, with no tears spilling into the mask over your face.

I lost a little bit of my soul every time I used you that way, Spiky, but for the relief it gave you to be near me, I would do it again. I would have done it forever until there was nothing of me left, and hoped that something of me would linger in you when I'm gone. So I'd always be there for you to either lean on or curse. Whichever you need.

__

zfzfz

That wasn't the extent of it. Much as I hate to realize this, Hojo had access to Cloud and probably wasn't satisfied with just watching. Gaia only knows what went on while I was unconscious or in a different room. The most I can hope for is that it was no more than what the monster did to me.

Yeah. In case you were wondering, I wasn't spared. At injection time, sometimes Hojo's hands would wander to do to me what he made me do to Cloud. Any further than that was rare, but it happened. The first time he stripped my pants off and unzipped his own, I was terrified, but determined to only show anger.

"You're so hard-up you have to rape?" I hissed. "Is that what you did to Sephiroth?"

"No," Hojo said mildly, pushing two fingers inside me and casually stroking himself. "Only this."

"I know what he was to you! How could you do that to your own son?!"

He showed no surprise or disapproval that I knew. "Sephiroth was mine...only mine. What everyone wanted was mine."

"Someday you'll get what you deserve."

"Yes," Hojo sighed. "Immortality."

__

zfzfz

It wasn't just Hojo with us in that lab. That was both good and bad. Bad, because of the other doctors, one in particular, who idolized Hojo and were weirdly thrilled to follow his every command. Good, because of Simon and Omou, two big guys who were guards or low-level assistants, I'm not quite sure which. They were big, like small giants, and because they could carry Cloud and I easily, it was their job to take us to and from the shower room each morning.

In the outer room, in the presence of the doctors, they would roll their eyes at the pathetic burdens we were and make suggestive comments about where they might stick the soap. Once inside, however, with the warm water spraying loudly, Simon and Omou would undress us with as little handling as possible, and settle Cloud into my arms before beginning to gently wash us. They would have helped us escape if doing so wouldn't have cost them their families, which I understood and told them so each time they apologized. Their kindness alone was really something, a daily reminder that we were human beings, not specimens. Names, not merely letters.

I think Cloud, especially, broke their hearts. He looked even a little younger than he does now, and they both had kids of their own. "How you doing, pal?" Omou would always say to Cloud as he worked shampoo into the wet blond spikes. "Don't worry, I won't get any soap in those pretty blues of yours." Cloud was rarely awake enough to be aware of them, but after awhile he didn't flinch or whimper at their touches, no matter how out of it he was.

Simon and Omou called me "kid" in addition to "Zack", which didn't bother me, because I felt too helpless to insist that I was an adult. I also learned not to be too embarrassed by how thorough they were, knowing they were only doing their jobs. But sometimes, if I'd been touched the night before or I had been remembering Angeal's wonderful hands, I cried when they cleaned certain parts of me. When this happened, Omou would take care of Cloud and Simon would hold me to his chest under the clean spray of water and quietly berate Hojo and try to comfort me.

"It'll be all right, kid," he'd murmur. "You're strong, stronger than this. You'll outlive that fuckin' doc, just don't give up, don't let him defeat you."

So they were our allies. I thought Garrett, the young doctor who had always been so kind to me, surely would be as well. One day, when I was drugged with Selatacyn and just finished the nutrient drip, he unhooked the IV and wheeled the table I was on into a small room where supplies were kept. He smiled as he leaned over me and patted my cheek, and I smiled back, though I was already starting to cry. I did that constantly, and especially when I was away from Cloud. Not needing to be strong for him for a few minutes brought up all the emotion I wanted to hold back. A million old losses and present-day fears.

"Hey, don't do that," Garrett said gently, moving his fingers over my hair. "I hate to see those beautiful eyes made into puddles. Ssh, you'll be okay, I'll make sure."

"Can you help us get out of here?" I whispered. "I know you'd be risking a lot, but you could come with us. And you can name your price, anything."

"Anything I want?" he murmured. "For years, there's only been one thing I wanted. Do you remember, in the lab, all those times I told you I love your eyes?"

I wanted to curl up and keep crying, I wanted to be able to move to fling his hands away from my face. What I saw in Garrett's intent black eyes was what I had never noticed before, what I had mistaken for friendliness. Their stare was like Genesis's but worse, because there was nothing inhuman in them, no one but the human to blame. Angeal, Angeal, I wanted Angeal, and the overprotectiveness I had once pouted at.

"For so long, I've loved you, worried for you, worshiped you." Garrett's voice was growing colder. "But why would you have seen me at all? You cared for nothing but Hewley, saw nothing but him. Do you know how I felt, watching you walk out of the labs and into his unworthy arms?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered, and I don't know if I really thought that would make a difference or if I just couldn't think what else to do.

"It's all right," he said, smiling again, fingering the waistband of the white pajamas we were usually kept in. "I have you now. I'll take better care of you than he could. I'll keep you safe. No, no, look at me. Let me see those eyes."

I couldn't move as he gracefully stripped me, lifting and lowering my arms and legs and back as carefully as any nurse. Even if I hadn't been concerned about Cloud hearing me, I couldn't scream either. I felt a wail deep inside me, curled up in a ball, but it was stuck, lodged like a stone. It was like after Angeal's death, I couldn't scream, only whimper. Garrett prepared me very slowly, using oil and working all the way up to five fingers, and when he pushed my legs up and entered me, it didn't even hurt.

The pleasure, thank Gaia, was muted and felt distant, like something happening in the depths of a sea while I was on the surface. When Garrett was finished and his cock was softening inside me, he had to stroke me for a long time to make me come. After I did, crying sobs that shook my frozen body, he took it as a sign that I was meant to be his all along. He whispered that to me, and other insane endearments, while he kissed me and touched me everywhere. His hands felt reptilian, clumsy, wrong, as all hands but Angeal's did when they massaged, as every pair of lips but Angeal's did when they pressed my cheeks and mouth and eyelids. Every kiss of Angeal's had been a blessing and a piece of home, like a path I could always follow if I found myself lost. Garrett's tongue was only a slimy hunk of meat that tried to claim me.

"I've wanted you so long," he said into my ear. "Do you remember the very first time we met? Mako tests, your first cadet year. I was assisting, and when the needle entered you I imagined I was doing the same, filling you slowly, being careful with your small, innocent body. When you were dizzy, I helped you back to the waiting room, and I wanted so badly to lay you down and just take you, the way you needed to be taken..."

Garrett put his hand on my nape and lifted, making my head tilt back so he could press his face to my exposed neck. I could feel his mouth on my skin as he spoke, like the poison of his horrible words was entering my blood. "Angeal," I wept, not caring if it made Garrett mad, hoping it would, so maybe he'd hurt me in a way I could handle. "Angeal!"

"He's not here to protect you anymore. But I am."

Garrett was hard again, I could feel it on my thighs as he repositioned me. He entered me again, this time driving directly against my prostate and I couldn't move away, couldn't stop clinging to the memory of Angeal filling me perfectly, his lips swallowing my cries as my body swallowed him. I opened my mouth, but only I could hear the scream that escaped.

__

zfzfz

When something bad happens, people always ask why. Like if we had an explanation, it would all be somehow easier to bear. There wasn't much to do in the lab except remember and think, and I asked myself the unavoidable question. 

On the surface, the reason for our presence there was simple, if anything can be from as devious a source as Hojo. He had reason to believe that being fed on by Genesis gives a minute exposure to the Jenova cells that drove the lust for blood in Genesis and Angeal. He had long wanted to continue Project S and compare its effect on an already enhanced SOLDIER to the effect on a pure subject. He said it was fate that brought us into his superior hands. Fate, which had once been my friend, which had carried me to Angeal.

Some days I was listless, concerned only with day to day survival, and more with Cloud's than my own. Other times, I refused to accept that it was all really happening, that my path could have led me here. Circles are supposed to return to their beginning points. But would I really never see Gongaga again? My life had started, really, with Angeal, and he was gone. I had no choice but to believe he was gone. I still talked to him, though, and even thought I saw him a few times, usually in the mako tube, where we had been warned that the high dose could potentially cause hallucinations.

The last time I had this welcome vision, the lab had been quiet and nearly empty for weeks. Hojo had gone away for a few months with several of the small staff. I don't know where or why, just that he was unreachable. He had left Dr. Garrett in charge, and during that time, I only felt at all safe in the tube, where his hands couldn't go. Cloud was asleep in the next tube over. He was doing better with Hojo gone, and Garrett didn't touch him, though he sometimes threatened to if I didn't kiss back or make the needy noises he wanted.

Dreams and reality tended to blur into each other in there, but when I saw Angeal standing in front of me, Buster in hand and wing extended, I felt so sure it was real. My visions and dreams had been faded and full of an Angeal who wept as I did, who clung as I wanted to. This Angeal was standing calmly, like he was watching me face a new obstacle in training, and he spoke to me in his teacher-voice.

"I can't stay with you, Zack. I would only hurt you, as I've always done."

Imaginary or not, I knew I would break completely if he turned and I had to watch him walk away from me again. I banged on the tube with my gloved fists and screamed into the mask "Angeal! Wait!" I began to lose sight of him, not because he was leaving but because everything was changing. The green world of mako around me, the color of Bio that I had cast on classmates and enemies, was fading into blue. Sky-blue, Cloud-blue, like his eyes, not mine, and there were clouds at my feet, like I really was in the sky.

I was free for those few moments, not just out of my prison and strong again but at peace, filled with a contentment life rarely allows and love can sometimes imitate. I looked at the clouds and thought, I know one of you, and I wasn't even worried about Spiky, because I felt sure that we'd be all right. Then it occurred to me that I might be dead, ahead of schedule, and Angeal had come for me like he promised but was still plagued by guilt.

"Angeal," I said, looking into the summer sky with my winter eyes, "I love you. I forgive you everything. Every moment of doubt and fear, every secret, every tear I wept when you left me. I love you. Only love. Forever."

The sky became clear, and the world became glass. Then something shattered. Or maybe it was everything.

__

zfzfz

The scream I had been choking on so long finally came out of me, joining with that breaking sound. I felt myself fall from the broken tube, gulped in air as I lay on the floor, and I dozed for a little while. When I woke, I was able to get up without much trouble. The mako and other treatments had enhanced me beyond SOLDIER level, after all. Other treatments. I had Jenova cells in me. I didn't feel anything new or alien or evil, but...my racing thoughts came to a halt when I saw what was in my hand, what I had used to hoist myself off the floor. The Buster Sword. I had been afraid Hojo might have destroyed it. Angeal had been holding it and here it was, did that mean...I looked around me but I didn't see him.

What I saw was the body of Dr. Garrett face-down on the stone floor nearby, the blood of a fatal sword-wound congealing beneath him. I was still too dazed to feel much of anything, which I guess was good, because I didn't want to take pleasure in a death. But there was more death, I could sense it nearby, and there were no other signs of life except Cloud. Cloud!

I went to his mako tube, stumbling a little at first but getting steadier with each step, and pressed the button to drain it. When I opened the glass door, Cloud fell into my arms, and I got down on my knees and held him close. He was out of it, even more so than when I'd last been with him, but though unconscious, he still brought out the same warmth in me he always had.

"I've got you, baby," I whispered to him, dripping tears into his mako-soaked hair. "I'm gonna get us out of here."

**To be continued.**


	39. You'll Always Know

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 39 - You'll Always Know**

 

Holding Cloud gave me strength for what lay ahead, and thank Gaia, because I needed it. I settled him against the side of an examining table, promised him I wouldn't be gone long, and went to do some investigating. I had to know if we were safe or not.

As I had thought, no signs of life anywhere, and many of death. The three army officers who guarded the mansion had been killed and stacked neatly under a tablecloth in the front parlor. Dr. Garrett's colleagues, the rarely seen Drs. Alva and Ehrman, were dead, one in a supply closet, another in an upstairs bedroom. The two large corpses in the lab room where Garrett had liked to take me finally broke my calm and made me fall to my knees and shake so hard that I had to remind myself of Cloud in order to get up. Simon and Omou, our caretakers, killed by a sword that could only be the Buster, like all the others. I prayed it had been quick for them, and that they died knowing I cared about them.

If Angeal really had been there, so close to me, it made sense that he would kill the people holding me captive. But why did he then leave? Was he still afraid he might hurt me? I had to find him. Focus, I told myself. One thing at a time.

I realized we had one important advantage - time. According to the lab's calendar, Hojo would be gone another two weeks or so, and it looked like no one from the lab was due to make any reports to ShinRa until then. If we played this right, we'd begin with a good head start. We couldn't stay here too long, I didn't want to risk it, but a day or two to rest up would be fine. And maybe Angeal would come back.

I went back to Cloud and cheerfully told him what I was thinking. He didn't respond, except to turn his face into my hand when I touched his cheek. He wasn't used to mako as I was, and I didn't know much about mako poisoning, except the hopeful knowledge that all but the most serious cases did improve over time. Cloud wouldn't get better in these soaked clothes, though. I checked the closets and drawers of all the upstairs bedrooms (clearing out a few low-level monsters, thank Gaia I still knew how to fight) and found two 1st Class SOLDIER uniforms. What luck, especially since one of them seemed unusually small and would fit Cloud well.

"C'mon, Spiky, let's get you cleaned up."

The shower room had always just been a part of our mornings, a prelude to another day of injections and violation. This time I could enjoy it, except for the pain of recalling Simon and Omou's kindness. I wouldn't tell Cloud about them until he was better, I resolved. He wouldn't understand until then, anyway.

It hadn't really sunk in yet that we were free. Fugitives on the run, yes, but free. I clasped Cloud to me and soaped him under the hot spray of water and whispered that there would be no more doctors, no more needles and mako and touching. He might have shed a tear, but I can't be sure because of all the water. The more I reassured him, the more motivated I was to keep him safe. As I toweled us both off and got us dressed, I paused to tell Cloud how good the uniform looked on him. It really did. That had been how things were supposed to go, Cloud was supposed to be a SOLDIER with me, he was supposed to be with - 

I stopped myself, feeling the never-healed cracks in my heart. If I was gonna lose it, I didn't want to do it in the lab, that place of screams that won't come out. I slung Cloud's arm around my shoulders and helped him to the exit, stopping only to notice a door that had always been locked had been forced open. I looked quickly, my curiosity having never left me, and immediately recoiled and hurried to get out of there. It was a child's bedroom, left untouched for years like a shrine, a child who had only swords for toys and read only advanced books on war tactics. Don't think the name, I told myself, not yet.

I got us into an upstairs room with a wide bed, no monsters in there and not as much dust as some of the others. I guessed it was early evening by the light outside, and decided aloud that we would rest until the following night and leave under cover of darkness. I doubted anyone would be around to see us go, except maybe whatever kinds of fiends settle in destroyed and abandoned villages, but we couldn't be too cautious.

I tucked Cloud into the bed and gently kissed his forehead. He seemed peaceful enough, like his constant sleep was a dream no longer interrupted by nightmares. But how long would he be like this? (I would not let myself think his condition might be permanent.) ShinRa would be looking for us once they learned of our escape, our pictures would probably be circulated to doctors everywhere. I didn't know anything about healing, beyond using Heal and Restore materia, neither of which would help here. Aerith probably knew more, her Healing Wind had been completely instinctive.

Aerith! An Ancient, the last one left, able to hear the voices of the planet. Mako was Lifestream, where these voices called from, I remembered the propaganda AVALANCHE used to shout at us. Would Aerith know how to help Cloud? Maybe. At the least, she would help us and hide us until I could quietly contact my old friends, Angeal's comrades who would do anything for me, they would definitely help Cloud and I escape to somewhere safe. In the meantime, I could introduce Aerith and Cloud at last. He would break her heart, I knew, she was so tender toward the weak and wounded. Spiky would sense her goodness and gentleness, he wouldn't whimper if she held him, and tears would fall from her green eyes as she asked who could do this, who could harm something so innocent? Even if Aerith couldn't heal my Spiky, she would lavish him with the same motherly affection she gave to her flowers.

Flowers, a word that was a key to that clearing of life and death I didn't want to remember. Didn't want to remember cold silver eyes looking at me with contempt, with no memory of friendship, but I could see them warm and uncertain and full of awakening love too, and that was worse. That was the real Sephiroth, the one Hojo had not been able to destroy, who had survived to be taken over by a monster who lulled with a mother's voice. The clearing, Sephiroth's flowers, the place where Angeal had taught him to fight death with new life. Sephiroth.

"Sephiroth," I mouthed, afraid of saying it where Cloud could hear me. I crawled under the blanket with him and gathered him to me, hugging and cradling him like he was the one who needed comfort when I was the one who couldn't stop sobbing. I'm sorry, I wanted to say, I was supposed to protect you for him, and him for you. And for Angeal.

"Angeal, tell me what to do," I said softly. I wondered how far my prayer had to go to reach him, whether it was only miles or to the Lifestream itself. Then I wondered if Sephiroth was there, if he knew I had loved him and that it was only Jenova I had ever wanted to destroy. I buried my face in Cloud's damp, sweet-smelling hair and cried myself to sleep.

__

zfzfz

My dream of Angeal was a kind I had never had before. In my longing to join with him again, I somehow escaped my own body and leaped into his, and now I was the bigger body, with the hands that petted and soothed. Looking through his eyes, I saw myself the way he did, not merely cute or okay-looking but beautiful, with blue eyes that beamed mako and adoration. I felt Angeal's happiness in bringing pleasure to my young, hormonal body, in drawing it close to kiss and stroke and hear the whimpers that were, I admit, puppy-like.

"See, Angeal," I thought to him, "I want it, I always wanted you. I'm yours."

"Mine," he sighed, "my baby puppy."

I usually blushed or shoved him for calling me that, but I did seem small compared to him, more so than I had ever realized. I drifted back and forth between his body and mine, spending more time in his, because I wanted to know what he felt when he slid my fatigues down and cupped me. Gaia, so much. He got so much out of the feel of my soft skin in his rougher fingers, the way I arched toward him, saying nothing but begging for more with needy noises, the way I submitted to him willingly, eagerly. I wrapped myself in his joy like a blanket, urging him to make the smaller body writhe, inhaling with him as he breathed in the spiky hair.

I began to tremble, and was surprised to see how wantonly I threw my head back. "He wants to come for you," my thoughts urged Angeal.

"You want to come for me, Puppy?" he whispered. "Give it to me. Come in my hand, Pup, let me feel it."

I stayed in his body, still wanting to know how it had been for him all the times we did this before. He was aware of the dark thing that surged up when he touched me, but he forced it down, would not share me with it. It was alluring, powerful, even seductive, but Angeal focused on me, clinging as I had always clung to him. Together we watched my eyes close and my hips thrust into his hand. I felt the love in his touch as his fingers gently stroked my bare hip, and curled up inside him, I felt my soul begin to cry.

"Of course I love you," Angeal whispered to me. "I have always loved you. It's the one thing I never doubted."

My body spasmed, spilling into the cupped and waiting hand, and I felt Angeal's satisfaction but not my own orgasm. Instead of the usual sleepy feeling that followed, there was the sensation of waking up, and - 

I opened my eyes, and the room was bright with sun from the window. We were in the ShinRa Mansion, Cloud was curled up close to me, and his fatigues were down and my hand around him, sticky with semen.

"Oh, Gaia." I jumped up to grab tissues to clean us off, wincing at the distressed noise Cloud made at the loss of my warmth. "Baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't...fuck..."

He still turned into my hand when I touched his face, like he knew my skin and scent and was acknowledging me the only way he could. I didn't deserve his trust or the way he calmed when I was close to him, but I couldn't deny him that comfort. I told myself that if there were any way to keep him safe and cared for without my involvement, I would jump on it, for Cloud's sake, rather than keep using him like this. Honestly, I didn't want to be away from him.

"Not again," I murmured, to him or to myself. "I won't do it again. And we're gonna get you better, and then if you hate me or want to kill me, it's okay. Reno says we gotta wait a few years, but you're more patient than me, right, baby?"

Once I had us cleaned up, I told Cloud I'd be back and checked the mansion once more for signs of life. Nothing. I thought I sensed something in one of the basement rooms near the lab, but there was only a coffin inside, and the man in it was either dead or in a very deep sleep. That seemed like something I should leave alone, so I did.

From the lab, I gathered all the nutrient-drip materials I could find into an old knapsack, figuring Cloud might need that stuff until he could handle solid foods. I took all the money I could find and didn't feel guilty at all; it came to a few thousand Gil altogether, that would be helpful. Next, the kitchen, where I packed cans and packages of food and heated up a big pot of soup. The smell of the chicken broth and spices gave me an appetite for the first time I could remember since we'd been brought to this place.

I filled two thermoses and brought them upstairs, spoon-feeding Cloud while I sipped my own. Thank Gaia, he drank whatever I put to his lips, so liquids wouldn't be a problem. Our new high levels of mako would come in handy, making us require little food, but I was still glad to have the supplies I had gathered. With each warm swallow, I felt stronger, more like Zack Fair and less like Subject Z. Some of my old cheer crept up, timidly, after having been beaten down for so long.

"Cloud," I said softly, "I can hardly believe this, I'm afraid to let myself believe it, but I think Angeal's alive. I don't know how, but I saw him. He's helping us get out of here. If we can find him, and I can make him believe it'll be okay for us to be together..."

I grinned weakly at Cloud and messed up his hair with my free hand, careful to keep the spoon steady. "You'll really like him. Man, if you think I'm protective, whew, just wait. And he's quiet, like you. We'll find somewhere we can be safe, the three of us, and hey, maybe Aerith too, you'll love her, and she's gonna go nuts over you. Angeal and I'll train you together, as good as ShinRa could've done, better, and between he and Aerith, we'll have such an amazing garden, Spiky, you won't believe it. Your eyes will go wide and your jaw will drop in that cute way it does, the flowers will be that beautiful. We'll live, we'll make so much life, and I'll keep you safe, till the day I - "

My babbling slowed to an awkward halt. Cloud wouldn't eat any more, so I put aside the nearly empty thermoses, adjusted him against the propped-up pillows and looked sadly down at my boots. I was hoping too much, forgetting the realities of danger and death, and that wasn't safe to do. Maybe Angeal was alive, somehow, but if he was, in a few years, he would lose me. I wasn't sure exactly how long, but I guessed we'd been in the lab nearly twelve months, by the calendar. (I hadn't noticed the year.) I would have to leave Angeal, heartbroken as he'd left me. I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to him.

Cloud made a soft whimpering noise, as if he sensed that my thoughts were sad and far away. Cautious, fearing what I might do, I got onto the bed and brought him to my chest, rocking him and humming snatches of the childhood lullabies I remembered, then quickly switching to an improvised tune so I wouldn't think about my parents. If you wonder why I haven't written much about them, it's because there's only so many pains I can let myself feel and still keep breathing.

"We'll just play this by ear, baby, okay?" I whispered, stroking his clean blond hair. "We'll hope, but we'll also handle whatever comes our way, all right?"

Cloud couldn't move much on his own, nothing beyond slight shifting, but he put his face against my neck and grasped at my shirt with his fingers, and it was so sadly sweet and touching that it warmed me the way his hugs used to. Holding back sobs, I tightened my arms around him, careful not to hurt him, only let him know what I hoped he never doubted.

"I love you," I said in his ear, wishing he'd laugh at the way my breath tickled. "I love you so much. Always know that, okay? And I don't mind, I won't mind. I'd give up anything for you...and Angeal and I were always meant to be. Fate will make it all work."

I tried not to think about how cruel Fate had been in the past, how Fate and the Goddess were interchangeable, the Goddess whose angels had fallen one by one in front of my eyes. All three powerful, beautiful, warped by bad parents and worse scientists and the poison of Jenova. But Jenova was the Calamity, Aerith would scold me, Gaia is the Goddess, the planet that had grown Angeal's flowers, that had given birth to everything I've ever loved. As in Loveless, I suppose, you have a choice which goddess you serve. Gaia seemed the right one, however elusive and silent She was. So was I merely trusting Fate, Her other name, and praying it would be kinder to me?

I lay with Cloud, trying to push those confusions away and rest up for our journey. But thoughts of my prophesied death led to Reno, and through him to Tseng, who would have told me that the most important choice was mine, and always would be.

"I choose to survive," I whispered, too quietly for Cloud to hear. "As long as I can, I will live and protect you. And when I'm gone, you better make the right choice. If you do, when it's really your time, I'll come get you. Don't be alarmed by the big guy who'll be hovering behind me."

I closed my eyes and smiled through my tears into the faint scent of summer that lingered in Cloud's hair. "Better be a long life, though. Okay, baby? I won't mind...if you're late."

__

zfzfz

I knew our journey would bring a lot of things I couldn't expect or anticipate. But the first shock came a lot sooner than I'd imagined it would. Under cover of night, I held Cloud to me with one arm and left the mansion for what should have been a ruin of a town burned and abandoned and full of ghosts. Instead, I found Nibelheim looking exactly as it did when I first saw it, with no evidence of any fire. Nibelheim was silent and still at night, but unmistakably occupied. For once, I found myself grateful for Cloud's condition; how would I have explained this to him?

I think it was then I first wondered if we had maybe been in the lab longer than several months, but I didn't swell on that. I was concentrating on observing our surroundings, keeping to the shadows when possible, and noting with pleasure that with such a high mako level, even Nibelheim's icy air wasn't uncomfortable. I had a tightly-folded blanket in the knapsack (which we would end up using as a towel), but it seemed a good omen that Cloud and I wouldn't have any trouble sleeping outdoors. I would still keep him as close as possible, though, for reassurance.

SOLDIER training under Angeal's instruction had made my stealth and survival skills practically instinctive, so I could still think about other things too as we headed down the cobblestone streets to the village's front entrance. Tifa, for example. Had she, by some miracle, survived? I tried to speed my thoughts past Sephiroth, but the other faces I thought of awoke pain too. The 1sts who had basically adopted me thought I was dead. Did Malakh cry for me, the one who got away? Did Reno feel guilty for getting his wish to be wrong at least once in what he saw? Could Genesis still be out there, still defying death to pursue cruelty and obsession?

"Sephiroth," I murmured, trying to expel some of the grief in that breath. Just then, Cloud made a frightened noise and I gently hushed him, kissed his forehead, and pressed onward.

__

zfzfz

This narrative has already taken longer than I intended. I won't dwell much on our journey here. Even if there were time, one day is much like another. We traveled at night, sticking to woods and uncultivated land and deserted roads, occasionally buying a ride for a few Gil, though the money was usually refused.

Each sunrise, Cloud and I would settle into whatever spot had the best cover. I would feed him and eat a few mouthfuls of something myself, then, if water was nearby, I would bathe him and myself too, then rub him dry with the blanket. That's usually how we got our clothes clean too, then we'd lay curled up hidden from everything but the warm sunlight that would finish drying us. I became a lighter sleeper than I had ever thought possible, waking up to twenty times an hour to make sure the noises around us were not those of the army coming to take us back.

"At least we won't have to worry about SOLDIER and the Turks," I told Cloud. "ShinRa's not dumb enough to let the 1sts know what really happened to us, and Tseng is loyal to other people besides the president. He'd never take us back."

I had an instinct to head south before I made any plans to do so. Maybe I had grown to associate Nibelheim's high altitude and chill with loss and hurting, and longed for warmer weather and bluer skies, especially now that Cloud's eyes were always closed. In warfare you generally want to take the higher ground, but it was flight I wanted, escape, not defense. A simpler answer is that Gongaga lay to the southeast, and while it wouldn't be safe to stay there, maybe I could at least reassure my mom and dad. Simpler still - part of me was still a scared kid who clung to the memory of my childhood home.

It was a long journey, one that would take us months. However long I could go without stopping, I wanted Cloud to get as much rest as possible each day, hoping that would speed his recovery. Sometimes it took a while to ascertain the best way to go - to risk slipping into a sleepy town for supplies, or to keep clear, to go through a wood, or follow a seldom-used road. Before I would let us make camp, I would have to clear our chosen area of monsters, too, which felt good, therapeutic. I also felt myself getting stronger, benefiting from the mako I'd been given. At least some good came out of that.

We lived like ghosts, unseen by all but a couple men who gave us rides, who minded their own business and only expressed concern for my sick "little brother". One of them recognized our uniforms and took us for deserters going AWOL.

"Can't say as I blame you," he added hastily. "I got a cousin who works for ShinRa, bigwig accountant, and he says it's all been coming apart for a long time. Especially since Sephiroth and that other popular one, Fair, were lost. Leonard says the 1sts just lost their motivation after that. And of course, you can't trust a word the company says. There's been sightings of that rogue SOLDIER, Genesis, all over the place, and the prez won't admit it! Who does he think he's fooling?"

Unsurprisingly again, I kept Cloud close to me, more so than was safe. My fingers craved the soft skin beneath his shirt, my mouth wanted to suck at the pulse in his neck. I thought of Genesis, of what he'd done to us both, and hated myself. 

**To be continued.**


	40. Each Day You'll Grow Older

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 40 - Each Day You'll Grow Older**

 

It was circumstance that led us to the coast and the beach that night, many months into our journey, my caution to keep us under cover of woods. Angeal would have known why clumps of forest are more numerous near water, I kept thinking. He knew so much about root systems and ideal conditions for different types of plant life, but I had only ever listened to him speak of these things to hear the sound of his voice. Nature brought him back to me constantly, in little ways, reminders of him popped up randomly in rocks and bushes. I thought, maybe I'll be able to hear him in the rush of the waves.

There was a safe, hidden place nearby, a spot at the base of a small, grassy plateau under cover of trees. Cloud was asleep and peaceful, so I set him down against a large rock, where he'd be within my hearing distance. Senses still on alert, I told him I'd be right back and walked the short way to the beach.

The sky was that deep blue you see on nights when there's plenty of moonlight, just dark enough to be littered with distant stars. I thought of my old life with ShinRa, when I'd been valuable enough to banish to Costa del Sol to grieve. If Cloud and I were really the continuation of Project S, we were even more valuable now.

"Angeal," I murmured to the sky, as I had so many nights at the beach house, "tell me what to do. Do I keep hoping you're alive and risk heartbreak again, or do I go on without you?"

The person slowly creeping onto the sand behind me was very stealthy, worthy of his profession. It was only my alertness that had become habit and the enormous amount of mako in me that allowed me to detect him, and address him casually before he could get close.

"Hey, Reno. It's been a while."

"Zack," he whispered. "It's...you're really alive. I told Tseng..."

I turned around. Reno was as I had remembered him, mostly. He had grown taller, he seemed more familiar with the electrorod he was holding expertly. In what I thought was quite a short time, his features had lost their childish softness and given way to a more adult face. Reno's brilliant red hair was a little longer, still in his usual ponytail. (I used to wonder if he did that for convenience or to imitate Tseng.) What I saw most, though, was the shock in his green, old-soul eyes.

"I told Tseng," he tried again, a little steadier now, "that you weren't dead, you couldn't be. He said he'd look into it, but then he never brought it up again, until..."

"Until?" I prompted, feeling a welcome hope, but he looked at me with the same heartache he had the day we'd met. "Reno, are your orders...to take us back?"

Reno didn't cry, he just didn't, but the expression was there, the quivering of his chin, the slight heaving of his chest. Everything but the tears.

I stared at him dumbly, hardly able to believe the words I was about to say. "Tseng wants us taken back?"

"He has all of us looking for you. Said it's vital that we're the ones who bring you in. I'm supposed to take you straight to him. Zack, I..."

"How can he do this?" I said angrily. "Is he so loyal to the president that he forgets his friends? He would send us back to Hojo, the madman he risked everything to keep you away from?"

Reno flinched, literally flinched, like I had hit him. "What did they do to you in those labs?"

"A lot of things," I said flatly.

"Zack...I don't know why Tseng...he won't tell me anything, but..." Wincing with the pain this was causing him, Reno raised his electrorod and pointed it at me. "It's Tseng. He ordered me to...I owe him everything, without him I'd be - "

"I know. And I understand how you feel, even if I don't get Tseng at all. But there's no way I'm letting this happen."

Quickly, but without heart, Reno came at me, electrorod flying. I blocked him, disarming only, knocking the weapon from his hand and away. He glanced at it, determining it was too far to make a grab for, and looked back to me, taking a step forward before I pointed the Buster to warn him.

"Stay back. And don't follow us. I don't want to hurt you, but if I have to..."

The hurt in his eyes was resigned, understanding of my dilemma as I was of his. As I ran off, I realized we were thinking the same thing - how could Tseng put his duty over the feelings of us both? Myself, I could understand, but Reno? I glanced back just once, and caught a glimpse of his shoulders trembling as they would in a sob.

__

zfzfz

To be safe, I took a long, misleading route back to Cloud, doubling back once in case I left any tracks, though I was usually pretty good with that sort of thing. Cloud was just as I had left him, hands limply on the ground and curled uselessly toward the sky, sweet face tilted downward, moonlight making his white skin gleam like a pearl.

"Everything's okay, baby," I said with a reassuring smile. "There are Turks around right now, though, so it's not safe to move out yet. We'll hang here a little longer, then we'll go a little further and find a good place to rest for the day. And I'll tell ya some more stories, I've got enough for a whole lifetime..."

I sensed the same presence behind me again, and turned with a scowl of warning. Reno, trying to saunter in with his old cocky grace, trying to pretend his heart was in this at all. Hoping I wouldn't have to use it, I pulled the Buster Sword from its sheath and brandished it.

Reno's eyes shifted, and now they were looking behind me, losing even more of the forced boredom and casualness they wore as a mask. Cloud was a disarming sight even when healthy; now he was pale and still, his beauty almost a mockery of the animate thing he used to be. The look was sympathetic, not threatening, but even so, I quickly moved to stand between them, to guard Cloud.

"He's...that's the one that was with you in Nibelheim, right? And then the labs?"

"I told you not to follow us!"

"He doesn't look too good. What's wrong with him?"

"Mako poisoning," I said spitefully, though my venom wasn't meant for Reno. "A serious case."

"From...the experiments."

"Yes."

Reno made as though to step closer, thought better of it and continued to regard Cloud from where he was. I always thought Reno must have an eye for what's aesthetically pleasing, being beautiful himself, and Cloud was especially striking under moon and starlight. 

"He looks like a doll," the Turk said in a strangely detached voice.

"You're not the only one to think that," I spat, and the bitterness of it shocked even me.

Something else came into Reno's unhappy eyes as they watched Cloud. From my anger to Cloud's delicate prettiness they darted, back and forth, and I recognized the new pain on Reno's face. It was familiarity, the realization that this catatonic child had been used the same way Reno's customers had once used him. It must be strange for him to see this, I thought, to see what he got away from before it broke him.

"You're lucky you had Tseng protecting you," I went on, bitter still and hating the unfamiliar taste of it. "Hojo's experiments aren't all injections and mako tubes. I once asked Tseng how you survived what you went through in your old life. I still don't know. But I should, now."

Reno was frozen. It was the first time I had ever brought up the past that Tseng had been allowed to reveal to me. I didn't intend to hurt him...I just had to try everything I could to protect Cloud and myself. I knew he was tormented to realize what had been done to us, what could have been done to him too, but he was so still and guarded, his eyes full of so much hidden thought, that I couldn't tell what he was going to do. Regretting the need to do so, I kept one hand on the hilt of the Buster, and panicked when Reno pulled out his phone and dialed.

"Hey - !"

He waved my objection away with his hand and a look that asked for my trust. I decided to risk giving it, and knew I'd made the right choice when Reno's voice came out stiff, and choked with emotion masked by a business-like tone.

"Tseng, it happened again. Tell the army our intel has them heading north toward Modeoheim. Tell them you're sure." Reno listened for a few moments, nodded curtly and shut his phone with a soft 'clack'.

"Reno."

He looked away and bit his lower lip. Just for a moment, but I knew that had he been alone, he'd be hiding his face in his hands. Then he met my eyes and smiled weakly, deflecting my sympathy with a shrug.

"I haven't been reporting to Tseng lately. He still won't tell me anything, like I'm still a kid, so I don't know why he's doing this. But I bought you some time. Tseng believed me. He's always known he could."

"Reno, thank you," I said softly, filling each word with sincerity.

"Here." Reno took a small bag from his hidden Item belt and put it in one of my hands, and placed in the other a silver key on a key ring. I recognized what it was for right away. "It's parked over there, yo. Shouldn't have any trouble finding it. I hate the fucking thing anyway, I want to get back to my chopper."

"Reno..."

"Just be careful, Zack. Keep moving. Take care of the kid, and take care of yourself. I think we'll meet again, but..."

"Reno?" I touched his shoulder, not knowing if that was okay to do. "We'll meet again, right? So it's okay."

"Zack, you know what happens in two months, don't you?" he asked, barely audibly. "You turn twenty-five."

"What? No, silly, I'm only..." Dread filled my stomach like a rapidly spreading fog. "Reno, how long have I been gone?"

"You officially 'died' over four years ago." Reno looked shocked. "You didn't know? I guess that's...not so strange. You look exactly the same."

"What a time to discover the fountain of youth," I said numbly.

Reno looked like he was about to say something, but his eyes kept flickering to Cloud. I waited, just a bit wary, trying to process something that still hits me at random moments. Part of me was, is, glad that it's less time than I thought before I get Angeal back. The rest worries for Cloud, wonders if he'll be okay, if I'll leave him with more to carry than he can handle. The sad look on Reno's face didn't reassure me.

"Reno, if you see something - "

"Not in the way you mean." He turned back to me. "Death doesn't break the strongest bonds between people. When I look at you, I can still see the place where your heart connects with Angeal's."

Unconsciously I put my hand to my chest, half expecting another hand to meet me there. "And when you look at Cloud?"

"I see Sephiroth. Like a shadow."

"Hojo was trying to use us to clone him."

"I don't see him in you."

"Guess I'm a failure, then," I joked weakly.

"Thank Gaia. Zack Fair, the SOLDIER Golden Boy, is finally bad at something."

We laughed together, quietly, painfully even. There was no real mirth in it, only a shadow.

"Go, Zack. I'll do what I can." He turned to leave.

"Reno! Will he recover from this?" I asked, pointing to Cloud.

"Every time," Reno answered immediately, and disappeared from my sight.

"You hear that, baby?" I whispered to Cloud as I lifted him up. "You're gonna be just fine. Now, let's see if your pal Zack remembers how to ride a bike. They say you never forget, right?"

__

zfzfz

The pouch Reno had handed me contained another few thousand Gil, a half-mastered Restore materia and a bunch of Elixirs. I could have kissed him. But all that was nothing compared to the vehicle he'd left us, a ShinRa 340-XL motorcycle, the newest model, with a full tank of high-efficiency fuel and a side compartment where Cloud could be buckled in and kept safe. Things were definitely looking up.

We continued to avoid highways and main roads as much as possible, though when we did have to chance it, I silently thanked Reno for putting our pursuers on a false trail. I tried not to think that he might be found out for helping us. Tseng would protect him with his life, I knew...I just couldn't bear to think of Tseng. Tseng, Angeal's friend, who reassured me about Kono the day we met, who had treated me with the affection of an uncle to a nephew. Had I really misjudged him so much, or was something going on of which I was unaware?

At least we were getting into an area of the continent I was more familiar with. I debated stopping at Cosmo Canyon, the settlement devoted to planetary study, but decided against it. Our stock of supplies was okay, and we could get what we needed from traveling peddlers easily enough. I remembered them from my childhood, as I remembered my dad talking about a trip he'd taken to Cosmo Canyon to learn wisdom from the elders there. He used to tell me about the leader, a quirky, kind old man who had spent many years working in ShinRa's science department. Years later, when he tried to keep me from joining "that corrupt company", I threw the example of Elder Bugenhagen back in his face. I was a brat. I had to follow my dreams, yes, but I was their only son, and no parents ever loved a child like mine love me. It was mainly this guilt and longing that led us to Gongaga, I think, but first I couldn't resist getting a peek at Cosmo Canyon, as closely as possible. 

I brought the bike up, quietly, to the outskirts of the village and stayed hidden behind a large boulder, reddish-clay like all the ground was in this area. Just our luck, two people were strolling nearby in the twilight to watch the stars appear. I call them "people" only in the most general sense. One appeared to be human, but I could swear he was floating somehow. The other was canine in form, but in size and musculature more like a wild cat, red with tribal tattoos and a feather headdress. It struck me as too intelligent to be a pet, and he confirmed this by speaking.

"The view is much clearer from your observatory, Grandfather." Grandfather? He must have meant it as a title of respect. "Why do we not watch from there again?"

"Hoo hoo hoo," the floating man said in a jolly voice, "what use is it to always look around you from the same spot? You won't gain perspective that way."

"The valley is so peaceful," the canine creature mused. "It won't always be this way, will it, Grandfather?"

"Hoo hoo hoo, I'm afraid not, Nanaki. Even we who dwell in safety here will not always be removed from the troubles of the outside world. Even if no battle is ever fought on this soil here again."

The one called Nanaki emitted a low growl. "If our home is threatened, Grandfather, I will defend it. I will be brave and true to my people, not like Seto."

The old man sighed. "Your time will come, Nanaki. You will stand in many places on this aching planet. You will travel far and see much, more even than I have. And with that perspective, you will come to understand many things I cannot simply teach you."

"I'll not leave you, Grandfather. My place is here, protecting Cosmo Canyon."

"Just as our planet is merely one orb in an endless expanse of space," the elder said, raising and spreading his short arms, "this home of ours is only one speck of a greater whole. I think it may be your destiny to protect not only Cosmo Canyon, but all of Gaia."

The creature looked at the sky, the dusty ground, the lights of the town twinkling just a short distance away. I couldn't see his face and I don't know if I would have been able to read it anyway.

"And now," the other chuckled, "let's go in. It's time you went to bed."

"Grandfather!" The beast's flame tail thumped the ground indignantly, making me think he must be young.

They walked back, and I listened to the old man's "Hoo hoo hoooo" laughter as they went. It was a nice few moments to have seen, a reminder that life was going on, at least for some people. I thought again about resting in the village for a little while, remembering that Bugenhagen and therefore Cosmo Canyon had always been mostly left alone by ShinRa. But it was different now. After the army and Turks found nothing in Modeoheim, they would eventually come south and stop here. Any one of the frequent visitors might innocently, greedily or fearfully volunteer having seen two spiky-haired young men, one catatonic.

Reno had bought us a little time, and I was determined to use it responsibly. Gongaga was so near...if we went right away, carefully, and didn't stay long, it should be safe to stop in there. I could reassure my parents, tell them I would be just fine, not to worry if they didn't hear from me for a while and to just cooperate fully with ShinRa's investigation. Who knows, my mom might even be able to help Cloud a little, I thought. She had been an apprentice healer before she got married.

I don't have to spell out the real truth for you, do I? I wanted to hug my parents once more before I die. Once Cloud and I were ready, I pointed the bike roughly southeast and started us on another long leg of our journey. When we stopped to make camp, I felt the land grow more and more friendly to me as we went on, and while I rocked Cloud to sleep I told him about my childhood adventures. It was a refuge for me, recalling that time of innocence. Just as my homeland remembered me, I found it a little easier to remember myself. When I kissed and cuddled him, it was nothing I wouldn't have done before Hojo. And Angeal. 

**To be continued.**


	41. You Won't Understand

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 41 - You Won't Understand**

 

The land around Gongaga was as green as I remembered it from the golden summers of my childhood. I laughed a little to realize that the surrounding woods were smaller now that I was bigger, and that there was no creature in them I couldn't defeat with both eyes closed. The fears of my youth were nothing to the problems of my present. I suppose it's that way for everyone, though I think it's only fair to say my case is an extreme one, right?

Man, it was weird. I stopped a short distance away to look my fill so I would be less distracted by memory afterward. With my enhanced senses, I could hear the forest creek where my dad taught me how to fish. I could see just a glimpse of the little graveyard where my friends and I used to play, and the adults never scolded us for being disrespectful, because in Gongaga, death is respected as just another part of life. The sounds of the wood were much sharper now, the noises of nature that I had taken for granted and then missed terribly after I left. And the scent of gajaberry pie, a local delicacy I'd always hated, and yet I found myself smiling.

Another wave of doubt rushed through me, a caution that shows just how much growing up I had done, I guess. It wouldn't be hard to follow the old trails up to the cliffs that formed the village's southwest boundary. I had known them blindfolded by age ten, and from up there I'd have a great view of Gongaga, and much less risk. But I was so close. My SOLDIER-trained senses picked up nothing threatening in the vicinity, and if I was determined to see my parents, best thing would be to act fast. Fortune favors the brave, Instructor Okani used to say.

And this was my turf, so I had the advantage of knowing the land. I remembered an old, forgotten courtyard behind the cemetery that no one had ever used as long as I'd been alive, and by the looks of it, that hadn't changed. I wheeled the bike into the quiet enclosure of mossy stone walls, kissed Cloud's forehead and told him he'd be safe here, that I'd do a little recon and be right back. He nudged closer to me and made a soft humming sound, so I kissed him again and waited a moment until he seemed to be sleeping peacefully once more.

To get to the town from where I was, you have to follow a dirt path from the courtyard to the forked road that leads to the village entrance. I was a few steps from the crossroads when a soft, friendly whistle caught my attention, and before I could even reach for the Buster, a familiar, bored drawl spoke up behind me.

"Man, are you out of practice, Fair. I wouldn't have expected you to be so careless."

"Where the hell did you - "

Reno indicated the treetops above with a jerk of his thumb. "You haven't forgotten my elite climbing skills, have ya?"

"Does Tseng still yell at you to stop?" I asked, smiling.

"He started to trust me more when I became a full Turk."

"Wow, congratulations."

"Thanks, yo." He seemed relieved that we could, for the moment, mention Tseng without hurting over his recent behavior. We were speaking of the Tseng of the past, and the past is a good place to hide. "He still finds plenty to lecture me about."

"Like those tattoos, maybe?" I suggested, indicating his face.

"Heh, yeah. They're cool, right? Yeah, and they're so small you can barely see 'em. Tseng was ranting like someone Berserked him, then I asked why he was upset about it, and he couldn't come up with an answer. Got off easy, that time." Reno hesitated for a moment, tapped his weapon nervously against his leg. "Your pal Malakh liked them. He's doing well. 1st Class now. He requested transfer to Wutai after we heard that you...but I hear he's doing good."

"That's - " I didn't want to cry, though I knew Reno wouldn't think less of me for it, so I blinked rapidly and cleared my throat. "That's great. Did you and he ever..."

"No," Reno laughed softly. "He got back with Lieutenant Sada. They transferred together."

"So what about you?"

"I guess I don't need to worry that you'll spread it around ShinRa...Rufus and I are kind of...it's a casual thing, but it's been going on awhile. It's...I like it. Him." Reno blushed a little at my smile. "Tseng's one of the few people who know, and he freaked. It's not professional to fraternize, of course, and it's not a good idea to sleep with ShinRas, yadda. Ugh, I really hope he wasn't speaking from experience."

"Reno, that's great."

"Yeah. Hurts a lot less than I remember, too," he said bluntly. "Look, Zack, you shouldn't have come here. It's clear for now, but I have to radio in other sightings besides you."

"I know, it was stupid, I just - "

"Wanted to see your parents?" The Turk's voice had gone lower. "I guess that's normal."

It was an awkward moment. I didn't want to push the subject any further, since it was an uncomfortable one for Reno. But he was right. I really shouldn't go strolling around Gongaga, so he was my only hope of a connection to the ones I was missing.

"Have you, um...seen my parents?"

"Uh-huh. Had to give them the whole this-is-just-a-misunderstanding, we-just-want-Zack-back, no-hard-feelings thing." Reno shook his head in disgust, and his eyes flashed with the jaded disappointment in life he was still too young to be wearing, though I remembered with a jolt that he was in his twenties now too. "Think they bought it. Apparently I'm still fuckin' adorable."

"How...are they?"

Reno smirked. "Your mom's worried that all this trouble might keep you from settling down. She wants to see her baby with a good man who'll treat him right."

I felt, again, like I was choking on sobs that I didn't want to cry up and release. "I never told them about Angeal. My dad would've stormed headquarters and dragged me bodily home if he found out my teacher was fucking me. But I should have...so cowardly of me..."

"Hey." Reno came close enough to roughly nudge my shoulder. "You did what you did. Your past is behind ya. You need to focus on now, and now, Fair, you've got some pretty cool parents. They're both doing really well."

A few tears came up, soundlessly, a small release of relief that nonetheless made breathing feel easier. "That's good. If they're doing well...good."

"I'll keep checking in, make sure nothing happens to 'em. Your ma's promised me a really good cookie recipe, too. Rude loves my cookies...what? You're so shocked I can bake?"

"Just thinking again about all the things I don't know about you."

"Well, here's something. I'm giving you ten minutes to scram out of here. Then I have to return to the Turks."

"You still haven't been reporting to Tseng?" I asked.

"What is there to say to a guy who trains you to be the best and then coddles you like a kid?"

"I used to say 'I love you'."

Reno smiled. Despite its sadness, it was a lovely sight.

"What did you mean, before, about other sightings? Is ShinRa tracking someone else?"

"It's not confirmed yet," he said uncomfortably. "But we think someone else has come to this area."

"Who?"

"...Angeal."

Don't hope, I told myself wildly, you'll hurt again, so I kept the smile off my face and nodded, but my heart was expanding with buried longing like a balloon. Angeal alive, not proof, but more evidence...the possibility of feeling his lips and body again to soothe away the pains that had piled on me in his absence. Angeal, Angeal, the answer to my childish, heartsick prayers.

"I see."

"'I see'? Is that all you have to say?" Reno asked incredulously. "You're the one who...you're not surprised?"

"It's probably thanks to Angeal that I was able to escape the ShinRa Mansion." Don't think too much of hope, even the memory of those cold bodies of our friends was safer to dwell on. Angeal, could you be...could you really be...

"I see. So the witness information was correct."

"But why would he come to Gongaga?" Stupid question, I knew that right away.

"To see you. Why else would he?"

"I've got to find him..."

"I hope you do. Good luck, Zack. Take care of that kid, it's important, don't ask me why." Reno tolerated my hug with a snicker for a second before returning it just as tightly. "I hope we meet again. I hope I was wrong. Now get out of here. Find your one-winged lovebird. I'm off to tell scandalous lies to your gullible parents."

"Just don't tell them you're my boyfriend or anything," I laughed through my drying tears as he headed down the village path.

"Too late."

"Reno!"

"How do ya think I got the cookie recipe? Clock's ticking, Zack. You've got five minutes."

"Reno!"

"Sinclair," he called back casually.

"What?"

"My last name is Sinclair." He turned a curved corner on the path and was gone.

Before I could react to that at all, a flash of white on the cliffs above caught my eye, and my heart went still as though in preparation before it began to pound in excitement. A white wing. Was it...it had to be...

"Angeal!" I cried, forgetting the need to be quiet and stealthy. "Wait!"

The winged figure was moving. I raced back to the bike, determined to get to Angeal and never lose him again. An impossible dream, yes, but it seems less so when your soulmate comes back from the dead. If you haven't experienced this, take it from me.

__

zfzfz

I was smart enough, once we ascended the cliffs, to hide Cloud and the bike again and proceed on foot. I sensed mako close by, and something that might have been the Jenova that was now part of me too, but it didn't feel quite like Angeal. Warily, I crept up the trail that led roughly to where I had seen the white wing, and beyond the bushes that provided natural cover for more, I heard more than one person lying in wait.

Buster in hand, I sprang through the thicket of branches and leaves, and spun around to find Genesis and Hollander, the pair of them flanked by two clones that had been warped far beyond human. They were monsters now, they had once been SOLDIERs, but I couldn't be distracted by that. I held myself in an aggressive battle stance, wondering if I was up for a challenging fight and who I should go after first.

Genesis stood and cocked his head with the same feline grace I remembered, and his clothes and sword were the rich scarlet they had been at our last meeting. His hair was grayer, though, almost no trace of his natural auburn left, and the lines of weariness and premature age in his face indicated continued degeneration. He held himself up straight with dignity, but he looked more unhealthy than I'd ever seen him before.

It was Hollander, though, who really shocked me. I had expected him to be older, slower, fatter...but his hair was ragged and pale gray, his entire form showing signs of the mutation and decay his experimenting had caused in others. Most obvious of all, a matted white wing extended upward from his right shoulder. There was just enough room in my crowded mind to fear it had been him I saw, and not...

"That one's cells would do us little good," Hollander said, gesturing to me casually as though we were strangers, as though he hadn't rushed to tend to me and reassure Angeal when I'd had Gongagan Fever. "They aren't pure, because as a SOLDIER, he would've been previously contaminated with lower-quality mako."

Keeping a nervous eye on Genesis, biting back the rage I felt at them both, I addressed the doctor. "Hollander, you did it to yourself? The cloning procedure?"

"Ah, yes," he sighed. "The final test of any real scientist...but honestly, I had no other choice. Genesis was trying to kill me at the time, I needed to be stronger. I can't regret it, not when I've learned so much."

"You're deteriorating."

"Indeed. But we'll soon put a stop to that."

Genesis stepped closer to us both, smiling when I tensed. "I won't harm you, Puppy. Don't be afraid."

He pulled something out of his jacket pocket and held it up; I recognized the odd coloring of a White Banora. "The gift of the Goddess. Once the pure S cells are obtained, the deterioration can be halted."

"Pure S cells?" I asked in confusion.

Genesis smiled again. "You escaped with your pretty little friend, didn't you?"

"No," I said quickly, not very convincingly in my fear. "We split up so they'd have a tougher time tracking us."

"What an adorably pitiful liar you are, lovely."

"That SOLDIER cadet has the last of the pure S cells," Hollander said, and lifted himself into the air and began to fly off, the clones with him.

"Hey!" I shouted in alarm. I tried to chase after him, but Genesis blocked me and put up his hand for silence. He wouldn't let me pass, but when I recoiled from his approach he shook his head.

"I told you, little puppy, I won't harm you. I don't drink anymore, I am sustained only by the drugs of that second-rate imbecile. That's not important..." Genesis lifted the apple higher into the late afternoon air, gesturing with it dramatically. "The Goddess cannot make her choice until the three friends reunite. Who will take Sephiroth's place, and Angeal's? Will you stand in both? I think not...but whatever happens, Her choice is obvious."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, and I don't care," I growled.

"If you are the one, like Angeal, who gave his heart to another," Genesis went on pensively, "who will be the loveless one? Who will represent Sephiroth?"

"It's a book, just a story! It's not real, it doesn't mean anything!"

He didn't seem to hear me. "Hollander is a fool. His objectives are not the same as mine. Do you know the last lines of Loveless, by the way?"

"Like I care!"

I tried to leap onto him, if not to defeat him then to at least get past him, but his black wing came out and he sprang lightly into a wind that bore him upward, out of my reach.

"Soon you will understand," I heard him say, as I hurried to make my way back to Cloud.

__

zfzfz

I didn't know where Genesis was headed, and at the moment I didn't much care. I had never in my life been so happy to know the cliff paths around Gongaga as well as I did. I raced down to get Cloud and the bike, hating the time this took but fearing to leave him alone any longer. Thank Gaia, Hollander had not found him, he was safe, sound asleep, breathing peacefully. He even smiled a little into my hand when I cupped his cheek.

"Everything's okay, baby," I said, those words that had become so familiar. "Let's get going."

As quietly and covertly as possible, I headed us toward the place where I had spotted the white wing, still hoping and insisting to myself that the Jenova I sensed nearby wasn't merely Hollander and Genesis. I followed its pull, the vital tinge of mako sympathetic to mine as well, and heard the battle before I could see it. I spotted Hollander, and he was fighting...the white wing, the form, the face. Angeal.

It didn't strike me as odd that Angeal's clothes were familiar but wrong, that his hair had turned white. Or even that he was losing, being hurled across the clearing. I was too busy unfreezing myself, grabbing the Buster and launching myself furiously at Hollander.

It wasn't a tough battle, the only obstacle being my old enemy - trouble concentrating. Because I put so much effort into not looking at Angeal, I watched Hollander instead of watching where he was aiming the odd laser gun he blasted at me, and just barely managed to deflect his clumsy shots. Because I ordered myself not to think of Angeal yet, not till it was safe, I had nothing in my mind but him. Insanely, I wondered if he would scold me for sloppiness and lack of focus afterward. I would love it.

Still, it was a matter of time more than skill; Hollander was no fighter. I admit, I could've ended it faster and more mercifully for him than I did. Instead he spent his last moments staggering toward me, eyes wide as though his scientist curiosity wanted to observe everything even in death. To my astonishment, he didn't merely drop and lay with the awkwardness of every human corpse. He did slowly descend to the ground, but as he did so he dissolved, breaking into shimmering wisps of green that floated and faded out of sight, the way monsters return to the Lifestream, if that's where they really go. Fitting, I guess. He was a monster.

I thought I'd drop the Buster right then and there but, conscious of who was watching, I guess, I sheathed it before turning around. He was sitting against a large, wide boulder, uninjured, the mako having taken care of any wounds he'd received. He smiled tenderly, with awe, with what no words can say.

I couldn't speak either. I ran to him, put my head in his lap and wept like a child who'd lost everything. My arms locked around his waist, and he leaned down to hold me, as though to hide me from the world that had hurt us both. 

**To be continued.**


	42. The Traitor

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 42 - The Traitor**

 

Time froze for me again, the way it had on that helicopter ride home from Modeoheim. There was one eternity of clutching Angeal, breathing in his smell that wasn't quite what I remembered it being. One eternity of his hands petting my hair and rubbing my back hesitantly, awkwardly, before they recalled their old patterns and this familiarity made me heave into even harder sobs.

"Angeal," I finally gasped, "Angeal..."

He lifted me as easily as he had always been able to, brought me to his chest and my chin to his shoulder. I didn't care that he wasn't kissing me, he was holding me, rocking me. It must have been what I needed most, because Angeal always knew those things. I was satisfied with this for a little while, then I couldn't wait any longer, I pulled back to kiss him.

That's when I knew for sure something was wrong. He kissed back, but with hesitation, not hunger. The mouth was right, but the way it moved was a stranger. Slowly, I drew back and he let me, gently grasping my arms to hold me steady. Angeal's face looked at me with sorrow and concern, Angeal's brown eyes, but the soul behind those eyes was not...

"Angeal?" I whispered. It was hardly a question, since I knew the shattering answer.

"No, Zack," he said tenderly, with a voice that wavered between Angeal's and another I knew from somewhere. "I'm so sorry. I'm an Angeal clone."

"Clone," I repeated numbly. "Wh-Who..."

"Lazard." Despite the confusion, his thick arms were still keeping me from falling over. "Do you remember me?"

"Executive director..."

"Yes. Former executive director, I should say."

"You're the one...wh-who helped us escape..."

"Yes. Normally I can't fight well, certainly nothing like a 1st Class." He began to stroke my hair, a common gesture of Angeal's while talking, like it was the most natural thing on Gaia to do. "But knowing you were being held there, by that man...I think it was Angeal who did it more than I. Certainly I resembled him more at the time."

"Angeal?" I echoed, clutching the arm that pet me like a lifeline.

"I don't know exactly how it works. Hollander said I was the most successful Angeal clone. I don't have his abilities...but many of his feelings, his memories. It's like carrying his ghost, and that part of me has been striving only for you."

I put my hands on his broad shoulders, squeezed them over the clothes I recognized now. "I thought it was...I thought he..."

"I know. I'm so sorry." Lazard held me again, and seemed to be relived that I accepted it. "I can't imagine how cruel this must be to you, to have him here, and yet not."

"I'm trying to be strong," I sniffled. "I'm trying, I want to do what he would think is right."

"He knows. He's proud of you. I can feel how he was always bursting with pride for you."

I edged back a little to try to rub my eyes clear. Lazard handed me a handkerchief, and that helped calm me, because carrying such a thing was more like Lazard than Angeal. I could handle this. I could hear the voice as only the director's, I could disregard the face I had once lived for. He respectfully gave me a few minutes while I breathed and dug for something to put between us, and thank Gaia, I found something.

"You're the one who helped Hollander escape from us at Junon," I choked out angrily, or with something like anger. "You helped him, you funded his research. Why?"

He let me keep this little distance, only touched my hand as though he couldn't bear a total lack of contact. "President Shinra is my father."

"I know! Reno told Rufus, Rufus told you. The asshole abandoned your mother. I'm sorry, but what does this have to do with Hollander?"

"He is...well, was a respected and high-profile scientist at the time. A paternity test performed and authenticated by him was the bargaining chip I needed."

"To what? Take down ShinRa?"

"I don't know," he sighed, squeezing my hand. "I had always wanted a family, more than just a half-alive, heart-broken mother. When Rufus came to see me that day, and I saw bits of my own face in his younger features, part of me wanted to hug him. But the rest...I felt a bitter jealousy that he was the acknowledged one, the precious heir. I wasn't sure what I'd do, but I knew I needed proof first."

"So you went to Hollander," I sniffled. "And of course there was a price."

"Yes. He kept talking about how difficult and risky it was to get a blood sample from the president, the danger he was putting himself in by getting involved. I transferred money into his accounts, all the sums he asked for, and he swore he'd keep up his end and support my claim. But I wasn't careful enough...ShinRa caught on, and I had to flee."

"But how...why..." Unable to form the questions, I touched the white wing that lowered to my outstretched hand.

"When we were both on the run, Hollander fed me stories of being able to take over ShinRa with his help, make it rightfully mine. Fool that I am, I let myself believe him. He said he needed another blood sample, for another test to strengthen our claim, but instead he injected me with Angeal's cells."

Lazard told this story with such regret and dejection that all my anger toward him vanished. Him looking like Angeal was part of it too, I'm sure.

"After that, he said with regular treatments I'd be superhuman, better able to fight ShinRa and face down the father who had rejected me in favor of a legitimate child. I was living for revenge, and for my revenge, I needed to live. So I became his guard, his helper, and his guinea pig."

"What happened?" I whispered.

"As he put more and more of Angeal's cells into me, I began to change." Slowly, cautiously, Lazard trailed his fingers up my back and, when I made no complaint, laid them on the nape of my neck. "I began to dream, even while awake, of his life, his memories. It was like...like Lazard was slipping away, bit by bit, to make room for what Angeal had left behind. I remembered my life before bitterness, when I was able to take pride in my work. I valued honor in a way that was new to me, the honor I didn't see in Hollander. When I thought of Sephiroth, I didn't think of a colleague that I had always respected and feared a little. I...I saw flashes of Angeal waking him from a nightmare, holding him. I never imagined Sephiroth being held before. And I wept to remember his silver eyes."

Tears were dripping down my cheeks. Rather than reach for the handkerchief, Lazard gently brushed his fingertips and thumbpads over my skin, Angeal's old gesture. I surged forward with an unabashed whimper and he caught me and hugged me close. The way he wasn't Angeal and yet was was stretching my heart near to breaking point, over the unhealed crack that Angeal's loss had made. But the safety of his warmth...the way his large hand massaged my scalp...I couldn't refuse this.

"I shouldn't say any more," he said sadly. "I can't put you through this."

"Tell me, please," I begged.

"Angeal...grew stronger and stronger in me, and he thought only of you. As I searched for you and then tried to keep away after you got out, I felt things that..."

He was quiet so long that I drew back at last to look at him, and found him gazing at me with tearful wonder. Lazard's hands, a SOLDIER's now instead of an executive's, cupped my face and touched it all over, caressing and cupping as Angeal used to, like he was examining a priceless treasure. I craved the attention, the love and sensuality of it, and closed my eyes and kissed the palm that pressed my lips.

"I remember, in Wutai, just before he went AWOL, when you tackled that beast alone. The way Angeal held you afterward, like nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. I envied that, I wondered what it must be like. I never loved anyone as Lazard, and to feel his love for you...it began to push the anger and bitterness from my heart. Angeal's emotions needed that space."

I sensed he wanted to continue, to let all of this spill out, so I smiled an I'm-okay lie. It was hard to hold as he pet my hair and soothed the skin beneath my shirt with his hand, Angeal's spot from our very beginning.

"He felt guilty for wanting you when you were so young. The darkness in him - "

"In us," I choked out. "Jenova."

" - fed on that remorse, ripped away the purity of what he wanted between the two of you. I know he couldn't beat it in the end, you had to do it, but know that he loved you with every fiber of his being, and it was you he fought her for."

"I made it worse," I wept, "so many times..."

"No, no," Lazard insisted, wiping my tears. "You saved him. Not just once, but every day. If you could only feel how he loved you, Gaia, and how he wanted you. I've felt it, I've seen his memories of you together. In my dreams I feel him sinking inside of you, and he whispers 'Puppy, my baby puppy'."

I closed my eyes and hid my face against Lazard's neck. That particular embarrassing endearment had only ever been used in complete and certain privacy. If I had needed any more proof...

I pressed myself into the body that held me, placed kisses on the neck that made Lazard hiss and grope me. "Angeal," I called softly, "I know you're in there. Part of you, at least, that's all that matters."

"Zack," Lazard said weakly, "don't - I won't be able to resist. I'm not Angeal, I only carry a piece of him, I can't take advantage of you."

"If anyone's taking advantage, I am, and I don't want you to resist." As I pulled at his clothes, I saw with a thrill that the body beneath was just like Angeal's. "Please, we need this. All of us."

Lazard shuddered as he palmed my bare skin, and I felt his arousal. "You don't understand. I wanted you back then, never would've stole you from him but fantasized about you and me, you and him, us three together - "

"It's okay. Let's be together, then." He must have felt the heat in my skin as he, despite his protests, undressed me and tongued my neck and my ears. "Angeal, tell him it's okay, let me be with you."

"Gaia, he wants you, how did he function while feeling so much?" Lazard must have been guided by Angeal, because he knew just how to lay me down on the sweet grass and let me feel his mouth everywhere.

"Angeal, Angeal, I need you inside, please let him be inside me..."

Lazard fished a Potion impatiently out of his clothes and hovered over me, dropping it to put his hands on me again, to lift my legs and lower his mouth. As he gently sucked me, he stroked my sides, rubbed my nipples, let me suck his fingers as his thumb traced the outline of my face. The eyes that drank me in were mako-green, with emotion, not Jenova.

"Take me," I pleaded, parting and lifting my legs further. "Take me, I need to feel you."

Lazard grabbed the small vial again to slick his fingers better than saliva could do. My head was on fire with arousal and need, like Gongagan Fever but hotter. He carefully worked two fingers inside, other faces flashed in my mind, and I felt a sudden blast of cold. Lazard was watching me as intently as Angeal had, he couldn't miss the color my face lost, the abrupt tension, the scared whimper.

He stopped immediately, pulling his fingers almost all the way out, and his face and other hand were above and petting me. "Zack? We can stop. What's wrong?"

"Don't - Don't stop, I want to, I need it..."

"Puppy," he murmured, and the eyes flashed brown. Angeal's eyes. "Puppy."

I pulled him closer, whimpering still, trying to guide his lubed hand back inside me. "I swear I'm okay, please, I need you..."

Thank Gaia, he started preparing me again, but as he leaned in to kiss me, he saw my remnants of fear and trauma, and I saw the anger he felt for whoever had made me this way. The pleasure was overtaking it, I was trying to leave it behind...

"You've been hurt," Angeal said, his voice coming through, heavy with an odd mixture of desire and restrained fury. "Who hurt you?"

"It doesn't matter, you killed him, it's over," I insisted, locking my legs around him. "Please please - "

It had been so long, but even so, he sank into me smoothly, painlessly, our hearts entwining as palpably as our bodies. Over years of remembering sex with Angeal, I had begun to think I'd exaggerated the memories, made the act more than it really had been. This proved me wrong. Memory couldn't hold a candle to the way he filled me, making me cry and moan with each thrust, holding me tightly so I could press my mouth and nose to his warm skin. I felt Angeal, not just his presence, but him.

"Puppy." My head fell back and he cradled it, kissing and gently sucking on my neck. "I'm with you, Zack, always with you. I never left you, Puppy."

"Don't stop," I begged, futilely. I knew I was getting close and that after we came, Angeal would retreat behind Lazard's eyes again.

"Love you so much, Puppy. I'm so sorry."

"I forgave you," I sobbed, barely able to talk through the approaching orgasm. "I love you...only love..."

I hadn't been able to recall what it was like to come with Angeal, the way it ripped me out of my body and brought the stars down to the planet. You can't know a thing like that, except while it's happening. If Cloud had been conscious and aware, he would have come running to hear me cry, to hear Angeal let out a satisfied groan that he put his whole soul into. When I felt Lazard again, he kindly held me close, rocking and soothing me as I blubbered like a little kid. Thank Gaia he didn't freak and apologize and accuse himself of using me, he must have seen how ridiculous that would be with me clinging to him. He curled his body around mine, and the hands that massaged me slowly woke up the strength that had sustained me all through the labs. As much as I had needed this time of being protected and dominated again, I was capable of much more than I had been when I was the child Angeal had taken under his wing.

I cried for him, for Kono, for Colin Moray, for Seph, for what had been done to Cloud and I, for the death that would find me soon and the ones I'd have to leave behind. All through this, Angeal haunted Lazard's actions, the way he kissed me and cuddled me and said, "Let it out, Puppy, I've got you."

After a long time, I used the handkerchief from before to wipe my face, then to clean us off a little. I smiled at Lazard bravely, and he returned a soft smile, full of so many feelings that I couldn't separate them. "Thank you," I whispered, and he stroked my cheek tenderly. I handed him his clothes and reached for mine when he hesitantly stopped me.

"Could I...may I dress you, please?"

He seemed a little perplexed, like he didn't know why he was asking, but I did, and handed over my uniform with a wistful smile. This had been one of Angeal's quirks. On mornings when we didn't have to hurry, he would take my towel as we emerged from the bathroom and leisurely dry me himself, always gently, with none of the rough, brisk motions I used. Then he would direct me to lay on the bed, pour apple-scented lotion onto his hands and massage it into my skin, all over. (A lot of SOLDIERs used products like that, okay, though most were sun-burnished and rougher-hided, like Angeal.) I liked my perpetually soft white skin and so did he, and Gaia, Angeal could have been a professional masseur. He had to stop nagging me about drinking coffee, because I would need the caffeine after his hands had nearly sent me back to sleep. It was then that he confessed to liking my size anyway, that I was smaller than him.

I digress. Anyway, afterward, he would command me to lay still and bring in my uniform or some civilian clothes, whichever I needed. And I wasn't allowed to move unless he moved me, he slipped on my underwear (optional), my socks and everything else. "What am I, a puppet?" I would jokingly pout, and he would say "No, just my restless, precious puppy." Angeal would take my hand, kiss it, and lead me to the kitchen where we'd have breakfast together. It was supposed to be like that forever.

Lazard dressed me less slowly, but with the same motions, the same care. I sat up, averting my eyes respectfully while he got dressed, and gestured him to follow me when I went to Cloud and stroked his spiky hair.

"I...I know you're...but..." I began lamely.

"I'm Lazard, and I carry some of Angeal," the clone said, understanding. "You can talk to him, see if it gets through."

"Thank you. Angeal, this..." I bit my lower lip, bit back tears. Not like this, it was supposed to be different. "This is Cloud. My best friend. I tried to take care of him, but he ended up in the labs with me after Nibelheim, after he finished the battle I couldn't. This is the one I wanted to tell you about. The one Sephiroth was falling in love with."

Cloud, seated in the sidecar, began to whimper and cling to me. I lifted him out and sat down with him on my lap, hushing him as he fisted my uniform shirt and whimpered against it. I sensed Lazard sit down opposite me, and he was looking with concern at the boy I held.

"Everything will be all right, little one," he said softly, reaching to pet Cloud's hair. "I know it's dark where you are, but you'll be let out of it soon."

I was about to warn him that Cloud reacted with panic to touches that weren't mine, but to my surprise, he tolerated Lazard's stroking hand, even relaxed into its motion. Between the two of us, reassuring with gentle contact and murmurs of hope, we got Cloud calmed into peaceful sleep, with his arms hanging limply at his sides.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked quietly. "I've been wanting to ask you that for so long."

Lazard nodded, either considering or preparing to speak. "Something tells me that our story cannot end until Genesis is dealt with. The boy, certainly, will not be safe as long as Genesis is targeting him."

"I don't get him at all. What he wants, where to find him..."

"When we met up, he gave me this." Lazard produced a White Banora apple from his pocket, making me remember the one Genesis had been holding earlier.

"Banora? You think - "

"Sometimes our lives lead us in circles, Zack, back to where we began. If Genesis is searching, I believe he will do it there."

"So are you sending me on a mission, Executive Director?" I joked with a half-hearted laugh.

"Executive Director," he chuckled, with a hint of nostalgia, or bitterness, or both. "Genesis should never have been your problem, Zack."

"But don't you remember my dream? To be a hero?"

"I think the little one would tell you that you already are," Lazard said seriously, "but until he can, I will. You've done so much, why risk more? I'll get you somewhere where they can't find you, I just want you safe - "

"Angeal," I broke in gently, "I can hear you worrying."

Exposed, Lazard smiled sadly and ran his knuckles down the side of my face. "That girl was right. The one in the church, with the flowers."

"You taught me well, you made me strong. Now you just have to let me be strong. Angeal...I'll be with you soon. But I can't just hide until then, I have to keep Cloud safe. And that means stopping Genesis. Or hell, maybe I can even help him."

Lazard helped us up so I could buckle Cloud back into his seat. When I turned around he touched my arms, kneading them gently.

"I will go with you. I don't know what help I can be, but I know I can't be away from you." I nodded, my relief obvious, and he released the white wing so it sprang up from his shoulder. "I'm quite adept at flying now. I should have no trouble following you, and I can serve as a look-out."

I touched the soft feathers of the slightly ragged wing, and he didn't shirk away this time. "I remember flying with Angeal. Knowing that he would never let me go."

"I never did, Pup," his voice came out, surprising us both. I held myself together. It was time to get back on the road.

__

zfzfz

With the bike, some luck and Lazard's aerial recon, we made good time to the coast. Costa del Sol was our best (really our only) bet for getting passage aboard a freighter to Junon. We kept a low profile, tense to the point of nausea every moment we spent outside the inn bedroom. Lazard resembled Angeal, and even wingless he was sort of an odd sight. I had been in the resort town before, even if mostly in seclusion, and who knew how far and wide news of mine and Cloud's escape had reached.

Thank Gaia the inhabitants of Costa del Sol shift so frequently, there was no one who would remember a miserable boy languishing years ago at the private ShinRa beach house. The most anxious moment came when I left the room to buy us some food and a shifty-eyed man approached me. My SOLDIER instincts flared up, though he struck me as a civilian, and he quietly offered me ten thousand Gil for a few hours of pleasuring my "unwell little brother". His response to my obvious disgust was to offer the same for me. I flashed the Buster at him and let him go with his life, something Lazard/Angeal would not have done.

While we waited for the ship we'd bribed ourselves onto, we rested up, made plans, cared for Cloud. Lazard told me a little about his dead mother, and his journeys since becoming enhanced. In turn, I painfully recounted the Nibelheim incident to him, feeling the pain all over again, burned by the past's phantom fire and finding it somehow cleansing.

They were both listening, but it was Angeal I spoke to. Angeal who gazed at me with grief and apology and no hint that he blamed me at all. In passing on what I knew, I was helping him to grieve for Sephiroth. Helping us both.

"Is the rest of Angeal in the Lifestream?" I asked him once.

"I believe so."

"He told me that...he'd come for me when it's my time. But don't you lose your identity in the Lifestream?"

"I remember reading that the Cetra didn't," Lazard said thoughtfully. "Perhaps that has to do with the Jenova virus that infected them. Maybe hosts of Jenova don't dissolve as the pure do, but remain as they were in life."

"Do you want to help Genesis?" I asked suddenly, sharply.

He sighed, slumping a little on the hotel bed opposite Cloud and me. "Help him. Destroy him. Make him suffer. All of these things."

"I hate him," I said emotionally, digging my fingers into the mattress. "I hate him for what he's done to me, to you, Seph, Cloud, so many others. I want revenge, but...I don't know. I feel strange."

"Zack," Angeal said, clearly Angeal, "Genesis was my best friend. I would have died for him, once. In spite of that, I came to realize that he was and is a selfish, destructive, dangerous person. He is a threat, as dreamers always are when they have the power to force the world to be something it's not."

"Then what's wrong with me?"

"For whatever reason, thank Gaia, Jenova is having either no effect on you or very little. But maybe now you're coming to realize that the worst of Genesis, the one you knew, was what Jenova made and brought out in him. There was always some good in him." Lazard's face formed Angeal's wistful smile. "When we were around five and his parents questioned my 'suitability as a playmate', Genesis told them to fuck off, and climbed out his window every night for a week to sleep at my house. He refused to eat until his parents agreed and welcomed me into their home. He never made me feel like less because he was rich and I was poor. And before everything fell apart, Genesis was quietly as protective of Sephiroth as I was of you."

"Angeal," I said quietly, "what should I do?"

"You need to stop him. You don't need to hate him."

He opened his arms to me, and I went to them, and he stood up to begin to undress me. Despite his concern that it was doing me harm, we fucked every night of our journey together, sometimes slow and gentle, sometimes frantic and fast. A few times he tried to resist and put a stop to it, and I would say I understood, only to be woken up later being grabbed into his arms and my pants yanked down. It was all of Angeal I could have, and a kindness to Lazard, who had never known such feelings. I'm glad that we had that time, those couplings.

That night in Costa del Sol, he had me nude on one of the double beds and was stroking me when a soft cry from Cloud made me leap up and rush over. He was still asleep; Lazard had fed him and I'd helped him use the bathroom and bathed him before we tucked him into bed. Our noises never made him stir, it couldn't be that. I touched his flushed cheek, inhaled the coconut scent of his clean hair and said "What's wrong, baby?"

Lazard was right there with me, feeling Cloud's forehead. "He's warm."

"Oh no, what should we do?" I asked, starting to panic.

"Wait. Look how he's moving."

I did, and saw that Cloud, who was mostly still while he slept, was shifting, remaining on his side but jutting his lower body back and forth and tilting his head back. My stomach began to twist. Lazard drew the blanket down, and there it was, plain to both of us. Cloud's erection straining his white underwear, and he was incapable of giving it the stimulation he needed. He was so hypersensitive that when I caressed his face, he searched for my fingers and suckled them desperately.

"Oh Gaia, no," I croaked, wanting to yank my hand away but thinking that would be cruel. "Angeal, what should I..."

Lazard was behind me, his hands running up and down my sides. "Do what's best for the boy. Take care of him."

"But he's so..." You don't understand, I wanted to shout. Cloud was my Spiky, the flower I had picked and longed only to protect. Even if this was kind compared to what happened in the labs, even if Cloud welcomed every touch I gave him... "I love him."

"You'd do anything for him?" lips whispered in my ear, then kissed, as I watched Cloud become more frustrated.

"Yes."

"Enough to live with having done this?"

"I...I..." I couldn't tell who was speaking to me, until - 

"Intention matters, Pup."

Tearing up, I grabbed his arms and wrapped them around my middle, tightly. "But it's not the only thing. But...he won't remember, right? I won't hurt him?"

Angeal didn't answer, couldn't figure that one out for me, just held me close and cuddled me. I was his precious puppy still. And we were in a hotel room on the run from ShinRa, with Angeal in Lazard's body and Cloud on the bed, beginning to cry. I couldn't bear it. I got in next to him, and Angeal behind me, which was somehow less weird than if he had simply watched.

"I know you want it over with, Pup," he said quietly. "But he knows it's you partly from your gentleness. And he'll sleep more soundly if you don't rush. Worry only about now, Zack. Give him what he needs."

Lazard's hands lingered over mine as I carefully drew Cloud's underwear down and tossed it aside. His fingers guided and followed mine in turn as I began to stroke Cloud, repeating the motions that prompted the happiest and neediest noises. Cloud weakly clung to me as I did it, close enough to feel my arousal as I felt Angeal's. I breathed heavily, matching Cloud pant for pant, as though I were trying to follow him. I wept when he came, to see the relaxed contentment on his face as he returned to deep sleep. I was so hard, the way I wished my heart could be.

"Close your eyes, Puppy."

I obeyed Angeal's voice as my training, my SOLDIER training I mean, had conditioned me to, and he rolled me onto my back. My legs were lifted and slung over his shoulders, so that my lower body was off the bed, and Angeal guided my semen-slick fingers to the place that he usually prepared. It was fucked up, all of it, all of us, but Cloud made no more frightened noises as I used his come to stretch myself.

"I want to," I whispered, because I always had to reassure Angeal and Lazard of that, every time.

When they were satisfied, my hand was gently tugged away, and Angeal was in me, giving me the only moments of peace I'd had since losing him. He enveloped me entirely, brought me into his arms and the faint apple scent of his whitish hair, thrust into me as skillfully as an artist making brush-strokes. It was heaven. I deserved hell.

"Angeal," I panted (softly, we couldn't be loud), "harder...please hurt me, just a little..."

"Ssh, Pup," the shadow of Angeal said, kissing my cheeks and eyelids. "No. Just relax, breathe."

I bit back all the words I used to damn myself, I knew it killed Angeal to hear them. "Lazard, please, just a little."

No answer. The love being shown to me felt like poison, and I was frustrated enough to be stupid. "Jenova, you're in all of us, make someone punish me!"

Instantly Angeal was gripping me, not holding me, and his eyes were burning with anger. His eyes, his anger. He saw in my weeping and trembling that I was already sorry, and took a deep breath and pressed our foreheads together.

"You never do that again. Never, ever."

"I'm sorry," I choked out.

It was surprisingly easy to reestablish our rhythm, and I felt Lazard's diplomatic nature compromising, giving me some hard thrusts, and they let me put off a Cure till morning when we were done. If I wanted the ache and sting as penance for the night, fine, but just as I kept close to Cloud, Lazard/Angeal stubbornly settled me against their warm, hard body, and began the slow, nuzzling kisses that had become our good-night.

Often Cloud slept between us, and I was fine with this, because Angeal and Lazard handled him tenderly, as one would a child. But this configuration was mostly for outdoor tent sleeping, standard procedure to keep the younger, weaker and unwell party members guarded and warm. On this night, though, it was Cloud who looked almost healthy in his sleep, and I in the middle, weeping. Once upon a time, Angeal's arms had been the cure for all my ills. They were around me now, the closest thing to them, and still, everything wasn't okay.

**To be continued.**


	43. My Vengeance Unfold

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 43 - My Vengeance Unfold**

 

There was no difficulty getting on the boat. All types of people travel to Junon from Costa del Sol, and apparently a young man, his aging father and ill brother (what we pretended to be) didn't stick out much in such a mixed crowd. I had stowed our uniforms in our packs and dressed us in ridiculous, garishly-patterned tourist clothes, complete with hats to hide mine and Cloud's uncommon hair. I remembered the last time I'd worn something so colorful, the sunflower bathing suit during my exile to the paradise we had just left. I was too tense to laugh, or smile without bitterness.

We stayed in our cabin and slept or rested most of the journey, knowing we'd need our strength. We had to leave the bike behind; having a ShinRa vehicle in our possession would have drawn attention and questions. But at a reasonable pace, Angeal and I determined that we could reach Banora in about two weeks, and he felt certain Genesis would wait for us.

"It's strange," I said once, over the soft creaking sounds the ship made, "but I just want to get there and do this. Whatever happens."

I had been sitting by the lower level of the double-wide bunks, watching Cloud sleep and feeling absently thankful that he wasn't awake and miserable with motion-sickness. I sensed Lazard's body come up behind me, tug me gently to my feet and turn me around. Then Angeal picked me up the way he'd sometimes used to, with my boots off the floor and my legs dangling limply.

"I understand," he said, and his voice sounded so full of tears that I hugged him as tight as I could, needing him to realize I could take care of him too.

"You do?"

"You just...want it to be over, don't you?"

Now I was the one who began to cry, and he seemed almost relieved, because he could comfort me and thereby hold himself together. Angeal began to turn the top half of his body just slightly, left and right, back and forth, slowly rocking me in this new way. Like the baby I accused myself of being.

"I don't want to leave Cloud," I choked out in gasps as he kissed my hair. "But I'm so tired and...I miss you..."

"I know, Pup," he whispered. "I feel torn too. It's selfish, but such a big part of me...just wants you with me, where nothing bad can touch us at last, where we'll be happy forever. But..." He paused to force the tremble from his voice; it didn't work. "I don't want you to d-die. My baby puppy, so young still. It's not fair that I was so much of your life."

"The best thing," I wept against his neck. "You're the best thing I ever had. Angeal, is that how it will be, in the Lifestream? You and me, always?"

"Yes," he said without hesitation. "I sense that certainty from the rest of me that's there, as happy as I could ever be without you. It's bliss there, Pup, all you need to do is accept it. A l-little longer, and I'll come for you. Okay?"

"Okay," I gasped, and burst into sobs that shook both of us and would have sent my pre-enhancements body heaving into a toilet. I was overflowing with old griefs and sorrows and worries for Cloud and so much else, but the thing I felt most was a powerful, hysterical relief. I had chosen, before, to believe my mother's stories of the painless heaven that the Lifestream is, the one she told me when neighbors and grandparents and pets died. You're met by the people you've lost, she would assure me, and guided there by them.

So I believed Angeal's dying promise. He had been the fulfillment of my wish for love, after all, why not also the one to confirm my most comfortable childhood belief? But...with each cruelty life dealt me, more doubt crept in. And then Hojo spoke of resurrecting Sephiroth. What if Sephiroth wasn't in the Lifestream, was too different even in death? He has to be there, if only because Angeal and I want him with us.

Angeal's renewal of his vow that night, his calm certainty, eased a fear so horrible that I had never dared acknowledge it. The fear that there's nothing after, no reunion - why did that word send a cold shudder through me? - no balm for the hurts that life piles on you. These doubts flitted away, and though I was sobbing, I felt a calm, unafraid place inside, the resurrection of the faith I'd had as a child and a younger SOLDIER. Faith that this - the waking breathing hurting longing that you and I are doing, Reader - isn't a test, and it isn't a one-act play. It's more like a field where we gather up the pieces of who we are like wildflowers, and then we pass to a place where nothing dies. Not even the flowers.

Angeal sat down in a padded rocking chair - what a weird thing to have in a ship cabin, I realize now - and settled me curled up in his lap. There would be no sex tonight. Even if the thin walls hadn't been a risk, it just wasn't what either of us needed. Lazard was so kind, the way he would draw back into himself as often as he could to give me time with Angeal, and except for the circumstances, this felt just like the other times I'd rested on his lap. On our couch, on van or helicopter rides, on a blanket near a roaring campfire. I felt so safe. And, telling myself that Cloud would be okay, he had to be, I thought I might even be able to sleep.

Angeal sensed me relaxing and stroked my hair as I blinked tiredly on his shoulder. I think that touch was my favorite of his, out of all of them. I can't even describe the tenderness and love in that simple gesture, the way it instantly made me certain that everything was okay. And it was a touch that had been instinctive on his part, had been with us from our very beginning. He had done it our first day together, albeit briefly, and every day after.

"Angeal," I murmured, "are there real angels?"

"Not the way you mean," he answered, warm breath falling on my spikes. "Angels are just messengers, so they can be and look like anything. And they're messages, like you were to me."

I sleepily put my hand under his loose shirt and began to rub the muscle and smooth skin of his shoulder. "You never told me. What message was I to you?"

Angeal didn't answer right away, not until he squeezed me tighter and closer to his heartbeat, that rhythm I had lost and longed for. His voice was steady, but it hid the emotion only as well as this similar body hid Angeal.

"That I should have love, even if Sephiroth never could."

I hugged his shoulders to bring them down to me, to give his face the sanctuary of my neck to quietly cry against. Our hands moved in the same patterns of comfort, the ones he had learned from somewhere and I had absorbed from him. I could sense how hard it was for Angeal to let me see this, and wondered if clever Lazard had anything to do with it. No matter. I combed my fingers through the white hair that was no longer rich black but felt the same, and held Angeal like he held me as we released enough tears to let us sleep.

I wrote quite a while ago that Angeal and I were never really equal in anything but love. I never minded this except playfully. It was just his nature to be a protector, a caretaker, a teacher in all things, and mine to be...I don't know. Whatever I was. Not a pet, Angeal took offense the few times anyone dared attach that title to me. I was something that needed the things he wanted to give, I suppose, and to be adoring and devoted in return. This way we fit each other so perfectly was another sign we belonged together, I always believed. The disparity of rank and age and size and whatever else wasn't a problem for me. And despite the guilt I've detailed in this narrative, it wasn't for Angeal either.

Still, those moments where we met on or near the same level were special, I can't deny that. The first time I disarmed him. The introductions to important people that never made any attempt to disguise what I was to Angeal. The nights he confided something in me and then admitted that he'd never told anyone the story before. And that night in Cabin 4-E of the Tropical Heaven, when he let me comfort him, let me see him cry, and we were equals in our grieving for Sephiroth.

__

zfzfz

Our arrival in Junon marked perhaps the most dangerous stage of our journey. ShinRa had always had a strong presence there, second only to Midgar. We remained in our tourist clothes and hats as we quickly booked into a small, seldom-frequented inn, comforted at least by the knowledge that ShinRa was unlikely to be looking for us here.

We arrived in the afternoon and planned to leave the city under cover of night. My SOLDIER skills would make it easy for me to sneak past any guards or night-watch patrols, but having Cloud in tow would be risky, so I convinced Lazard to take him separately and make an airborne escape. We would then meet up just outside the city. I could tell Angeal didn't like this, but he reluctantly agreed, trying to trust me. I was so grateful that I didn't argue when he insisted on replenishing our stocks himself and ordered me to stay in our room.

We knew we should rest, but only Cloud slept that night as we waited for the sky to darken. I know Angeal was worried as he gently lifted Cloud and disappeared into the night, but when we met up at the rendezvous point, he did his best to pretend he hadn't been nervous at all.

I knew Banora had been south of Midgar, not a very great distance, but not much more than that. Lucky for us, Angeal knew the way by heart, every step, every path, every safe place we could hide during the day. It did really seem like his spirit was overpowering Lazard, who made his presence known more and more seldom. I don't know if this was an inevitable consequence of the cloning experience, or Angeal taking over on purpose, or if Lazard was just being kind, giving us our time together - what we had left. I like to think it was the latter.

We took turns carrying Cloud, who was too light to be considered a burden for either of us. To my happy surprise, Cloud was soon accepting Angeal/Lazard's touches as easily and gratefully as mine. It warmed my heart to watch Angeal care for Cloud, and broke my heart to think of what our lives might have been. Sephiroth and Cloud. Angeal and me. No Jenova mixing with blood and the laboratory smell of death. No tangle of painful fate woven by the goddesses of madmen and flower-girls.

Banora was a less depressing sight than I had expected. Towns destroyed by ShinRa are left to become ruins for a while before being swept away and built over, maybe as an example to others, and the remains of the burnt buildings crouched like ghosts all around us. But Angeal's smile wasn't forced or brave, it was one of wonder, and I could see why. The black left by the fire was gone, and green was everywhere, not just the fields, but spreading in moss and grass over the skeletal structures of destroyed homes. Nature had reclaimed Banora, and made it even more beautiful than before. The apple trees had grown at an astonishing rate, and we stopped under one of them to survey and decide our next move.

I watched Angeal reverently pat the smooth bark. "How do they grow so fast?"

"Genesis was obsessed with that question, years ago. He told me once that he thought it had something to do with the cave. That he felt a presence inside."

"The cave where they played hide and seek?"

"Seph felt something there too. He wouldn't talk about it. I think whatever it was frightened him, or..." Angeal closed his eyes for a moment, as though this were all too much. "Something frightened him."

"Genesis is there, he's got to be. Angeal...I've got to go."

He came closer to me, cupped my face in his hands and drew me nearer to kiss every spot his fingers didn't block. His wing was still extended, and I felt how badly he wanted to lift me up and hide me, fight for me, keep every bad thing from me. Even from behind Lazard, Angeal's absolute love for me was overpowering. It nearly brought me to tears as I kissed back, but I had to be strong. He had to see my strength.

"Angeal, I need to face him. And I can."

"I know," he said as steadily as he could. "Zack, I hope you know how proud I've always been of you. I could not have kept you weak and dependant on me, whatever happened. You have become a great SOLDIER and a great man. Not only my heart, but my pride lives in you."

I smiled, even choked out a laugh as the tears came anyway and were caught by his fingers. "A friend, one I trust, told me that nothing and no one is ever lost. When we're gone, Cloud will carry in his strength the memory of our love, and my love for him. And...Sephiroth."

Angeal gathered me close and rocked me a few moments, letting me get the last tears out, infusing me with the confidence I would need. That hug brought back every other one like it, from my confused-child clinging to the cradling that exchanged comfort to every prelude to every night of our bodies joining in bed or a tent. I had lived my life in his arms, and I told myself I would be back in them soon.

"Worst case scenario," I whispered, "you get me back sooner than planned."

"I want you back," he murmured, barely audibly. "I want you where you can't be hurt anymore. But...you'll beat Genesis, Zack. You'll give him peace, and then we'll have ours."

I nodded, steadying myself with a deep breath, and he let go of my face to tilt it upward. The early winter sky, the one Angeal and Genesis and Sephiroth had played together beneath. And when he began to lose that, to lose them, I came along, beaming the same color up at him in eyes that held every emotion over the tiny lifetime we'd had together. This sky prepared me for you, Angeal seemed to say, and I will wait for you beneath it. As long as it takes.

"Will you...would you watch Cloud?"

"Of course."

I pulled reluctantly away and he let me, though I remained to watch him settle Cloud into a chair that had been left nearby. The further away I moved, the more Cloud whimpered, and what I saw then touched me so deeply that I had to turn around and not look back as I departed. Angeal was holding him and petting him gently, whispering "It's all right, little one", and Cloud was quieting, clinging to the larger body and the heartbeat against his ear.

I found the cave easily, and there was no sign of life in it but a faint greenish light that wafted through the air like a mist. Not mako, something purer, something that made me feel stronger with each step and certain that each of the few turns I made was the right way. I hoped to get an impression of Sephiroth, maybe see the memory of an angelic child waiting for me here as he'd waited in a long-ago game. But I felt only my love for him as I entered the large chamber that ended the path, felt love for so many people.

I couldn't even really hate Genesis, who was awaiting me, disheveled and deteriorated still, but standing with dignity beside the stone figure of a woman. Her features were hard to make out and harder to describe. All I knew was that it was ancient, and represented a power nothing ephemeral can comprehend. Genesis was at her side, ally or guardian, devoted or wayward son, and though he faced my direction, he did not look up at me when he spoke.

"I hadn't meant to hurt him," he said clearly, running a thumb lovingly over the spine of his prized old book.

Somehow I knew he didn't mean Sephiroth or Angeal, so I waited. His eyes bore no hint of red or green as they stared, pained but unflinching, into the past.

"Goro. He was an infatuated child trying to impress a foreign SOLDIER. In the treasure room of his ancestral home, as he whispered nervously about banners and jeweled goblets, I found this book, carelessly wrapped in an old coeurl hide. It was as though the faint voice in me had found a way to speak clearly at last, had found a way to tell me who I am. She called to me through the sacred words, and I knew what I had to do."

"You killed him."

"I held him close to me." Genesis's voice was breathy, full of remembered emotion. "I kissed away his shyness and caressed him until he whimpered. He was afraid still, but he let me lay him down and suck him, give him such pleasure that he wept that he loved me, he would give me anything to prove it. I asked for Loveless. He said that wasn't possible, the gods and his family would not allow it.

"So I demanded the book again, and he would not give in, though he cowered from my growing anger. I took him in my arms again, and though his declarations of love were sweet...all I could hear was Her."

"You killed him," I said again.

"I drained him slowly, and I assure you, up to the moment his heart stopped, he felt only pleasure. Goro was my first human kill to satisfy my need for blood, and the thirst only grew stronger afterward."

"And now?"

Genesis looked at me at last, and I had the strange feeling that he was seeing me for the first time. Never before had those eyes fixed on me without predatory lust.

"You need not fear, little puppy. I drink no longer, honestly. Only Hollander's drugs have sustained me these last few years, which is why you find me in such a pitiful condition."

He took note of my surprise soberly, not even smirking. "Long ago, the Cetra contacted a virus from a dark calamity that posed as the Goddess. They were fooled, and thus led to their deaths. Just as I was fooled. I...know now. I was a tool, a means for Jenova to acquire...him."

Genesis put more emotion into that word, the name he couldn't say, than in all the words I had ever heard him speak combined. To recognize a loss we shared the pain of almost disarmed me, almost.

"I know you loved him, and Angeal. But you sold them both out, you betrayed them over and over, for what?" I cried. "An old story? A goddess who turned out to be - "

"The story is valid," he interrupted, eyes sharp and shiny. "The Goddess is near. I know Her now, the true Gaia, and when my penance is complete, I will be Her champion! Don't you see? We have gathered, as it was always meant to be. Like Angeal, you, little puppy, could have been a hero, but instead chose to care for something lesser than Her. You have taken his place. You have brought Angeal here with you. And the child you guard is all that remains...of Sephiroth."

I growled to hear him refer to Cloud. "I'll rip you to pieces before I let you anywhere near him."

"Angeal's naive puppy," Genesis laughed, making a dramatic and dismissive flick of a wrist, "so easy to manipulate. I have no intention of harming the boy. I only threatened him to ensure your coming here to face me. At last, Loveless will be fulfilled."

"Genesis, wake up!" I said desperately. "It's just a story! I can't forgive what you've done, but I know you regret it. I don't want to fight you."

"Oh, but you will, lovely. The Goddess cannot make Her choice until the best friends have battled. To be Her champion, that is what I've longed for, all I have left. Though..." As the light in Genesis's eyes glowed a venomous green, he smiled his heartbreak. "I would give up even that, now, to just have them back again, and be as we were."

My boots were like ice blocks on the ground as Genesis's form twisted hideously, bubbling and stretching and growing until his monster head nearly reached the roof of the cave. My heart caught in my throat and I forced it back down as I drew the Buster Sword. I wasn't afraid, wouldn't have been even without Reno's prophecy. I don't know what was choking me, just that I kept remembering those three children who had formed a fateful bond in this village so long ago. Who had tried to hold on to each other, whose love for each other had been poisoned. And I couldn't save this last one either.

It was a hard battle. I was grateful several times for the Restore Reno had given me, and the materia I had bought since Nibelheim and been working up. But mostly I relied on the skills that Angeal had drilled into me, and the strength that Sephiroth hadn't let me waste. Sooner than I expected, the cave was rocked by the rumble of an explosion, and when the mist thinned enough, I saw Genesis slumping against the statue, his face hidden. He had returned to human form, but he was in shadow, so I couldn't see how badly he was injured.

I took a step forward, then halted as Genesis spoke up, first laughing a little, to my alarm. "Do you know how much you infuriate Jenova?"

"What?"

"She's never been able to get her claws in you. Not by manipulating Angeal, not even with her cells in your body. If I served her still, fool that I was, she would want you dead."

"So, what, you have another reason you need to kill me?" I asked, still confused and as frustrated as ever. "Let me guess - the Goddess wills? Loveless requires it?"

Genesis shook his head, and there was just enough light for me to see his infuriating indulgent smile. "I never said I intend to kill you, Zack. You don't understand."

"Then explain! No more quoting, just explain!"

He stood up straight, with an ease that startled me, and with his old feline grace, walked calmly into the full light. My jaw dropped. Not only did Genesis not have a scratch on him, he was also young again, with no sign of decay or degradation. This was the confident 1st Class legend, just as he was the night I met him, only now he was watching me with the respect one gives to a worthy adversary. Or all that's left of a fallen friend.

"I was wrong about something else too," he said pensively. "I don't know if the dark goddess tricked me or if it was only my own vanity. But I can't deny it any longer. Everything...has become so clear..."

"Genesis?"

"The prophesied champions of Gaia. Sephiroth...he didn't steal anything from me. He was meant to be the hero all along, Her hero. And now he's gone, and your little friend must take his place, and fight Jenova instead." Genesis's eyes glistened with wetness for the second time I'd ever seen, and he smiled bitterly. "Sephiroth was not the loveless one. I am. Without him, there is nothing for me here."

"Genesis..."

"This is where you come in, Zack. You must return one last monster to the Lifestream, if She will accept me. If She will only let me see them, at least once more, let me tell them I..."

"This is why you brought me here?" I asked numbly, my sword-hand falling slowly to my waist. "You want me to...kill you?"

"I want you to play your part, little hero. Deliver me from this. The Lifestream, the real Lifestream is near, and the dead are calling. Can't you feel it? Can you hear them?"

I could, but I was trying not to. "You're using me, like everyone else. I won't do it! I'm sick of death!"

"I know, poor puppy," Genesis crooned, drawing his red blade again. "Good, then we'll be going together. I will return to the planet, and take you with me. I will bring you to Angeal...and he will forgive me everything."

"Genesis, don't do this," I warned, but he was approaching.

"Even Her champions are only shadows, puppy. We are as frail as Angeal's flowers, as your wounded pet. Only the story is living. Do you know the final lines?"

I couldn't even roar that I didn't care, he was flying at me, maybe a bit weak but still a legend, with 1st Class skills. I was a 1st too, though, one who had been taught by his old sparring partners, and he laughed contentedly as I blocked with Angeal's style, and used an attack Seph had shown me. Genesis kept it close, determined that we die together, but I fought hard for the little bit of life I had left in me. When I knew it was about to end, the green mist around us thickened, though we could see through it easily. It swirled and pulsed and all around us I felt it, felt it was a living thing. No...it was life.

In the action movies Malakh liked, the pivotal moments, the ones where something is altered forever and cannot be changed, the action goes into slow motion, and pounds forward at a crawl like a fading heartbeat. This doesn't happen in real life, but I swear, just then, it did. Our swords flew upward out of reach, Genesis was thrown backward, and everything seemed to implode into pure white.

I shut my eyes, or maybe just blinked, but when I opened them...I don't know where we were, or if we were really anywhere but that strange cave. All was white, except for the stars and planets far above and the green swirls of Lifestream that rose from the unseen floor up to our waists. Genesis was ahead of me, facing something bright in the distance, and when he began to move, I had no choice but to follow.

He said nothing to me, all his rapt attention was given to the figure we approached, and when I finally let myself look, I understood why. She was larger than any Summon creature I'd ever seen, surrounded with a purer light that was no element I could identify, a beautiful female garbed in celestial armor and weapons, but her face...how can I explain? It was judgment and yet, at the same time, the most tender compassion. Exquisite but simple, a maiden's and yet, She was ancient even compared to the oldest fragments of the planet. I looked up with timid, terrified awe, but She smiled at me with the healing love of a mother. I had no doubt at all. It was Gaia, the planet-maker, the dreamer who had made and loved us all.

Genesis opened his arms wide, a gesture of offering all he was. Though he faced away from me, I could see in my mind the regret in his eyes, the pleading hope for the chance to be Her champion anyway. In that place of peace, which must have been close to what some call heaven, my old furies evaporated, and I wanted to speak for Genesis, to support his request. But I couldn't form the words, couldn't even collect my thoughts into anything I can explain.

I followed Genesis to Her, as timid as he was awed and enraptured. When he stopped, I did, and we waited together as Her eyes, stern in a face soft with mercy, reflected the judgment She was making. I remembered the monsters I had killed, had learned to kill without thought as just a part of my job, and the green they dissolved into. They went to the Lifestream, or something like it. The planet is full of darkness and light both, death and birth, pain and ease. All of it is Gaia. She is everything, I knew then. Not only giver, but taker too.

Genesis raised his hands higher, wider, his plea crying silently from every molecule of his tainted soul. I could see it somehow, perhaps with Her sight, the murder and the hurting and the hatred, so much darkness to weigh against the good in him. She weighed it in those moments outside of time, and cast Her eyes away from him. The jolt of Her rejection shook him so palpably that I felt it too, like a bolt of lightning had struck right beside me. Reno's voice came to me, from the place inside where I kept everyone I'd ever loved. "I see him heartbroken. She won't choose him."

I thought Gaia's eyes were closed at first, but when She extended Her arms and held them outward, I realized Her loving gaze was fixed on something She was holding, something invisible to us. Like a wish granted, the figure began to materialize, white first, yellow, and eyes that, had they been open, would have been sky-blue. Cloud.

I wasn't alarmed by this at all, only lost my breath in wonder for a moment. It wasn't physically Cloud, Cloud was safe with Lazard, but seeing him surrounded by light, in the most blissful sleep, healthy looking, cradled lovingly in Her arms...my heart swelled. I understood one thing, the most vital thing. She was watching over him. He would be okay. I thanked Her in my thoughts, and She smiled beatifically at me once more.

Then it was fading, the white and the Goddess and the vision of Cloud that was a promise I would hold Her to. Genesis lay unmoving on the cave floor beside me. He didn't stir in the dusty air, even when the statue cracked and fell to the rocky dirt in fragments. 

**To be continued.**


	44. How He Betrayed Her

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 44 - How He Betrayed Her**

 

I remember being very aware of my own slow, deep breathing over the next twenty seconds of stillness, the blood pumping oxygen and the strength in my limbs. Having a dangerous job like being a SOLDIER puts you in close contact with death on a regular basis, and I had known this feeling before, the intense realization of being alive that comes when you've narrowly escaped destruction. But never had life itself prompted this clarity. For that was my sense of Gaia, both then and now. Life, and everything that word comprises. A good that also encompasses necessary evils, even if the reasons for their necessity is something we can't know. Sometimes it's better to be in the dark. It had been for Sephiroth.

I looked around me, as though time were still meaningless and I might see him hiding, taking well to this new game because there were things in his life he wanted to escape. Was he reluctant to come out, I wonder, when he was found by...

Genesis. I went to him, stepping over shards of the shattered statue, and bent down. He seemed to be alive, but just barely, and unconscious. I lifted him, slung him over my shoulder, and with the Buster in my other hand I started toward the light of the cave's opening. My main thought was that I had to get back to Cloud and Angeal, but I couldn't just leave Genesis in the cave. If death was what he wanted, I wouldn't interfere, but I could at least make sure he died beneath the apple trees he'd once played under.

Cloud was in the chair where I'd seen Angeal settle him, and Lazard/Angeal was sitting and leaning back against one side of it. I settled Genesis down on the opposite side, and after briefly touching Cloud to reassure us both, I hurried around him and knelt. Angeal seemed exhausted when he looked up and stroked my cheek, but he smiled tightly.

"ShinRa was here. Only a few army, luckily, on patrol. They didn't have time to radio your location."

"And you took them out?" I said with a relieved laugh. "Learning some moves from Angeal, Lazard?"

"We had help," one of them murmured, weakly indicating the ground behind me.

I spun around and began to walk the moment I stood, thinking it couldn't possibly be what I thought, who I thought. But up close, there was no mistaking the creature who lay still on the dirt, silvery and white-winged with an inhuman face and eyes that I knew staring and fixed. Angeal's clone, the one who had guarded me at the church and placed a flower on my lap.

"You're - " I tried to say, but a sob raced up my throat and choked the rest of the words.

Before I had even spoken, the return to the Lifestream had begun. As I stared, tearful and shaking, the empty body evaporated in shimmering wisps of green that flitted up a while and then vanished. "Thank you," I whispered before it was gone entirely, and I remembered something Aerith had said once to try to comfort me. When people die, their spirits go out, not away. It did help me, but not as much as Reno's promise that it would be over soon.

You had to know this would happen, I told myself forcefully. It was a clone, a product of Project G, Hollander was a failure. There was no way to stop the degradation once it began; it was only a matter of time. All the clones would die this way. All the clones.

"NO!" I screamed without warning as I whipped around and raced back, but there was no reaction from anyone. It was too late. The face Angeal had worn was only an empty mask now, leaning forward and holding a faint smile of peace and affection. He had known what was coming, and sent me to the other clone's side so I wouldn't witness his body being vacated of soul again. To the end, to every end, he had thought only of me.

I sank to my knees, let my head fall into his lap and grabbed his wrists, trying to make his hands soothe and his arms form the place I'd used to hide in. But even when I forced this body into motion, I couldn't fool myself. The fingers were stiff, the skin cooling, and there were no lips brushing my ear, no voice whispering my nickname. Gone. Gone, and going, breaking up and dissolving all around me. "I love you," I whispered, "thank you", and drew back to stand on shaky legs. I watched, head bowed, until there was nothing left of what Lazard's body had been changed into, and amidst my longing for Angeal, I mourned Lazard too, for the good man and friend he'd been.

I don't know how long I stood there, my mind a blank. A cool breeze snapped me out of it, because it was heavy with the scent of apples and it gently ruffled blond spikes that caught my eye.

"Hey, baby," I said in a trembling voice. I pushed myself up to face Cloud and drew him close to hold him and nuzzle his hair. "We're okay. Everything's gonna be okay. You're safe, I'm watching over you," I said softly, mostly to myself, "and I'm not the only one."

Cloud's only response was a quiet, contented sound. I wanted to stand there and breathe him in longer, but ShinRa had already been by. We were still safe, but we wouldn't be for long if we didn't get moving. I settled Spiky back into the chair, edged a little to my left and crouched down to observe Genesis. His eyes were closed, but he was breathing. I spoke his name and reached out to shake him by the shoulder, but he spoke before I could touch him.

"I found Her too late...after I had already betrayed Her a thousand times." Genesis's voice was weary, but clear. "I destroyed. Only ever...destroyed."

"Maybe it's not too late - " I reached for my Item belt and Potions, but he must have sensed it, because he shook his head.

"No, puppy. The Goddess wills. She made Her choice, the right one. Poor hero. Poor child."

"I...I'm sorry She didn't give you what you asked for," I said, and meant it.

Genesis's lips curved into a faint smile, and I saw a lingering shadow of his old alluring beauty that I had always been, before, too afraid or angry to see. It was a sort of smirk, but not cruel or arrogant, more like the kind that friends exchange. Was this the Genesis I had never known before, the friend Angeal had spoken wistfully of?

"But She did, puppy. She did."

"Genesis..." I don't understand, I wanted to say. This is all insane, and so are you, you always have been. Instead I reluctantly, respectfully, waited while he breathed slowly and spoke to me again. He laughed a little first, like it was all a joke he was getting at last.

"Don't let me forget...to tell you the final lines, puppy. They are a priceless treasure. Anything you give up all you might have been for...is priceless."

"Okay," I said patiently, "but first tell me what you meant. The Goddess chose Cloud to be Her champion. Isn't that what you wanted? Isn't that what you asked for?"

Genesis lifted his head a little, with effort, and the movement made auburn hair fall back from his face. The late afternoon light shone on us and lit up the strands and his eyes into the same bright shade of amber. His gaze was far away, in dreams where my voice could just barely reach him.

"In those last moments," he murmured, "when I accepted Her answer, I made another wish. To have it be as it was before, the three of us together. And She's granted it."

Had he not realized that Lazard and the other clone were gone? Did he miss Sephiroth so much that he thought Hojo had somehow remade him in Cloud? I shifted uncomfortably, uncertain what to tell him.

"I don't understand."

"That's all right," he chuckled gently. "Sometimes I have trouble understanding it, too. Let me tell you the last lines."

"Okay..."

"'Until the end, the lines of champions will endure, their power passing from one to another in an endless circle,'" Genesis quoted contentedly. "'For as long as the planet endures, the Goddess will require protectors - not only the pure of heart but the damaged, the wavering, the uncertain. In the final battle to vanquish the darkness from the sky, which of these heroes shall carry Her blessing? Which shall be the bearer of Her light? Even the wisest do not know.' But we do know, Zack. No one has been lost forever. Sephiroth is here, I feel him, and you are the bearer of Angeal's spirit. I've been given this chance to tell them..."

Genesis took a deep, heavy breath, and when he let it out I half-expected his life to be expelled with it. He turned his head to look at me, really look at me, though I don't know who he was actually seeing, and his right hand pushed itself across his lap to the ground to find my hand. His fingers wrapped it tightly, and out of instinct, I squeezed back.

"Angeal..."

His other hand snaked its way up the chair, groping for one of Cloud's and seeming to know exactly where it was. You'll have to be satisfied with just me, I thought, but Cloud reacted to the touch of Genesis's fingers with something like familiarity. Cloud gripped the hand that cradled his so tenderly, as though someone else really were there inside him. I know Genesis believed that, from the way he blinked tears away before they could fall, and the way his slowed breathing had given way to emotional, quiet gasps that made his chest weakly heave.

"Sephiroth..."

"We're here," I whispered. "We're listening."

"I'm...so...sorry. I'm so sorry." He said it over and over, more softly each time, until it was no longer audible and his lips stopped moving at last.

The faint smile returned, a hint of the old days when Genesis had been famous for his smirks and smugness. His head dropped slowly until the chin touched his chest, and the fingers that gripped me and Cloud relaxed and fell limply back to his sides. I touched his shoulder for a moment, in case the spirit that Angeal had poured into me wanted to say a last goodbye. It must have been there after all, because I can't think why else I would be sorry to see him go, this man who had taken so much from me. Maybe it's only that I didn't ask for the war that had been between me and Genesis. I could be relieved to see it end and yet not be overjoyed to have won.

"I'm sick of death," I whispered into the breeze, and it carried to me in response the green smell of life all around. It was beautiful, this place that had borne Angeal and given Sephiroth peace, but I couldn't risk taking any more time to enjoy it. Even if I'd had plenty of time, I couldn't think of anything better to do with Genesis's body than let it sleep here under the apple trees.

Cloud made a whimpering sound, and when I looked I saw that his hand was flexing and feeling around. Looking for Genesis's. Could Sephiroth really be...

"That doesn't matter, Zack. C'mon, just hold it together." I helped Cloud to a standing position and hugged him. He made the sad little noise before hiding his face against my shoulder.

"Just us now, baby. Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right. Let's get out of here, okay?"

But I didn't budge, not yet, because the black cloth of my 1st Class shirt was damp, and growing even wetter as Cloud's eyes pressed into it. I gave him another minute, keeping him close and stroking his hair and thinking that if some part of Sephiroth really was in there, then Cloud, miraculous Cloud, was still helping him to be more human. Crying the tears that Seph had not been able to.

__

zfzfz

Our journey continued in much the same way it had when we first started out. Thank Gaia, the terrain we had to cover was almost completely unpopulated outside the towns and cities, and those we carefully avoided. Also, the land between Banora and Midgar is dotted all over with forests of varying size. Like a game of connect-the-dots played on a map, we zigzagged from one wood to the next, taking cover in them during the brightest hours and only going out in the open at night and in the early morning.

In one of the smaller patches of forest, a good feeling (or hunch, if you prefer, or our old pal Fate) made me choose the paths that led to this abandoned house. Once I determined that it was out of use, habitable and well-hidden, I decided that we would take a good rest here before the last march to Midgar. It's been...maybe two weeks? It's been hard to keep track of time since we got out of the lab. But one thing I do know, because I just feel it. I recently turned twenty-five, the last age I will ever be.

As I expected, it's both a scary thing and a weight off my shoulders. Each day, I feel closer to Angeal, closer to the Lifestream and the souls that comprise it. Maybe that's where the dreams are coming from...

But each day also means less time left with Cloud. Part of me wants to remain here with him, care for him as long as possible, but I can't die here and leave Cloud alone with no one around. That's why I know it's nearly time for us to leave. That, and the happy fact that he seems to be slowly recovering. He can move a little when I tell him, he's eating with less prompting required, and though his eyes haven't opened for more than a few moments at a time, I'm more certain than ever that he's aware of me.

I've been improving too, only touching him appropriately, to care for and comfort. Writing this story has been like therapy for me. I'm laughing a little, thinking that you, whoever you are, might need therapy after reading this. Who are you, I wonder? Will I ever know? Did you know me? If you did, you've probably been shocked to learn all these dark truths and all the angst suffered by the supposedly cheerful Zack Fair. If you're a member of ShinRa suppressing this document and what it reveals, maybe my story has made you think a little about the company you sell your loyalty to. If it hasn't, fuck you. You'll see, ShinRa's day of judgment will come.

Let's see, who else? You could be a perfect stranger, of course, in which case I'm not sure what you'll take away from my tale. Or you could be the person I've really been writing this for, out of hope, because deep down inside me somewhere is still the optimistic kid who left Gongaga to be a hero. I still want to be, even if it's not a priority. There isn't much time left for us here, so I should figure out how to end this, how to say goodbye. There won't be any time to write during what's left of our journey, and I still haven't decided whether I'll take this notebook with me or leave it here.

Well, Cloud could use a bit more sleep, and there's hours to go still before evening. We have some time yet before we part ways, so I might as well write about the dreams I've been having these last couple days. I hesitate to call them dreams, that dismissive word, because they seem so real, so unlike anything else I've ever seen in my sleep. I'm not a prophet or an Ancient, and I doubt either of those things can rub off on a person. But they may be real events I'm seeing, so I'll try to set them down here, and when I'm gone, I guess history will be the judge.

I saw a rooftop helicopter pad under a night sky, and the blades of the chopper gleaming in the moon's white illumination. Two figures are standing nearby, speaking just quietly enough to be private, and as the vision becomes clearer, I recognize them. Tseng looks older somehow, though his face is hardly changed, and he's struggling not to show the anguish that Reno is while he holds him gently by the shoulders.

"Reno, this is not your fault, it is mine."

"I should have known," Reno whispers brokenly. "I should have trusted you."

"I understand why you didn't. I was so concerned about getting Zack and the cadet into our custody and safe that I didn't consider what you might assume. I'm sorry I let you think I would have given them back to ShinRa."

"Almost ready!" someone calls from the helicopter, and I thought I heard the gruff voice of Rude order the voice's owner to hurry up.

Reno shuffles a little closer to Tseng and presses his forehead to the commander's shoulder. Tseng slips one arm around Reno's back and tightens it, and brushes his other hand gently over the red hair that's gathered into a ponytail. They stay like that for just a few moments before Reno draws back, and Tseng lets him.

"I'm still mad about before," Reno says softly. "That you knew they were in that lab and never told me. I appreciate that you were trying to get them out, but I could have helped."

"No, you couldn't have, and that's why I couldn't risk telling you the truth. Zack is your friend. I was afraid you'd do something foolish and draw Hojo's attention."

"Tseng." Reno wraps his arms around himself and tenses like he's shrinking. It's such a frightened-child thing to do that I feel Tseng's heartache to see it along with my own. "He... he hurt them."

The Turk commander puts his arms around Reno again and hugs him tightly, Reno's slightly hunched stance making Tseng appear larger than he is. Slowly, Reno relaxes enough to release himself and instead grip Tseng's jacket.

"I've got to find them."

"You will. Or one of the others will. Focus, Reno. Guilt will not help Zack."

"I know. I'm...sorry I lied about his location. I'm sorry for all the grief I've ever caused you."

"I understand why you lied. As for the rest, I trust you know by now that no amount of pranking and mocking will ever change my feelings for you."

Reno, in response to this, hides his face in the windblown fabric of Tseng's heavy coat. Now that he's grown taller, he has to bend over a little to do this. When he speaks again, his voice is muffled, but I can hear him clearly. Because it was my vision, I guess.

"Tseng, you remember when we first met? That day?"

"Of course I do. What about it?"

"Well...I really would have given you that discount."

Rolling his eyes, Tseng laughs loudly, with a touch of indignation, which is what Reno had been aiming for, I'm sure. The voice from before calls out "Ready!" and Reno breaks away from the hug and hurries toward the chopper, where Rude is already sitting in the co-pilot seat. Rude probably always lets his partner do the driving. I got the impression that he allows Reno to do pretty much anything.

"Okay!" Reno calls as he flies into his seat, grabbing at the controls while Rude patiently tries to buckle him in. "Let's fuckin' go already, and that tech better have fueled up properly, 'cause we're not taking any breaks, yo."

Just before the vision fades away, I see Tseng standing there alone in the near-silence, looking out at the stars. "I'm trying to keep my promise, Zack," he whispers. "Just hold on, please hang on..."

I'd like to believe this was something real, a piece of the present, or near past or near future. It's enough to make me give any Turks who might find us the benefit of the doubt...and it means a lot to be able to tell myself that Tseng never stopped being my friend after all. Every little bit of healing, like this, makes the thought of dying easier to bear. Not completely easy, though. I still hurt at the thought of leaving Cloud, and spend time each day and night curled up on the bed and holding him close to me, trying not to remember that one day soon, I'll no longer have this. Have him.

It was while I was cuddling with Spiky that I had the next vision/incredibly real dream. Maybe being so near to Cloud triggered it, because it was of Sephiroth, kneeling on a strange floor with his hands to his head like he was fighting another breakdown. Something monstrous was waiting nearby, and its voice - Jenova's voice - was one of the many ringing in his mind all at once, demanding he obey. It was a small comfort to become aware that among those voices was mine as well, and Cloud's, though I couldn't make out what he was saying. If this was a vision of the future, does that mean Seph could be alive? Or was this some sort of hell for those who are too polluted by Jenova to enter the Lifestream? Seph, if that's true, I'll find a way to help you. Somehow, I promise. Angeal and I both will.

The other things I saw were fragments, from the past or future or my imagination, not all of which made sense to me. A white orb deep underwater, like Aerith's but glowing pale green. A frantic Reno, shouting at Tseng something about the destruction of Midgar and the need to prepare for this, and Tseng calmly asking a quiet man with dark hair and beard to come up with a slum evacuation program should one be suddenly needed in the future. A familiar-looking figure in a blood-red cape at Cloud's side while they fight Hojo together. My little Spiky, a hero.

"She chose well," I whispered to Cloud, kissing his forehead and allowing the images to keep coming. Cloud and Tifa, no longer children, embracing in the shadow cast by a large airship. A statue that in form resembled the creature from Cosmo Canyon, with tears falling inexplicably from its stone eyes. Sephiroth as a child, sitting mutely by himself after leaving Hojo's private exam room. Genesis sits down beside him and puts his arms around his friend, and Sephiroth allows it, stiffly at first, and then relaxing. He would not realize for years how much such moments meant to Genesis.

Chaos. An enormous rock moving ominously from outer space toward the planet, colliding with a white light that reminded me of the glow of Aerith's flowers. A swirling flood of green that could only be the Lifestream engulfs it all, moves over the destruction like a soothing hand. Is this the end, the one Aerith talked about, when the planet dies and we all return to Gaia, to ease her long loneliness?

I wonder the same when I see explosions, buildings blowing up and toppling in steel and flame. But it doesn't scare me too much. I also saw a distant future, in which even dark, polluted Midgar has evolved into an ancient ruin covered with green. Life is stronger than death, I've come to believe. One is just a transitory thing. The other is whatever you make it. It can be eternal. We just have to survive. We have to choose.

The visions seem to have stopped now. I don't know if more will come or if I've seen all I need to. I wouldn't mind the latter, so the very last one can stay in my head without being shoved aside. It was Cloud smiling, surrounded by laughing children, and feeling that I was somewhere close by.

"I always will be," I whispered to him, when this last image faded, and he looked at me with recognition before tiredly shutting his eyes again.

Well. Writing all this has been about getting my story out there to be told and then moving on, and soon, that's what I'll have to do. You can't come with me where I'm going, Reader. Knowing where I've been and what I've carried with me will have to be enough. I've heard it said that people gain wisdom and perspective when they approach death, and I hope it's true. I hope I've given you something more than a sad story in these pages.

All that remains is to figure out how to write a proper goodbye to you who have been kind enough to read my story. I find myself balking at that. You've been my witnesses, and so has someone else. Ending this is another step toward my fate, and though I long for Angeal every moment, my heart aches for the boy asleep on the bed across this room. Spiky. I'll haunt ya like a stalker if Gaia (and Angeal) let me, but I never wanted a world that didn't have me in it taking care of you.

I know I'd probably end up embarrassing you if I lived. You're gonna be a great hero, you won't want a big brother around calling you "my little Spiky" and trying to pick you up. And you might remember everything and hate me for what I dragged you into, and what I did to you to prove that I absorbed Angeal's weakness for touching without permission. I can't ask that your love excuse me the way mine forgave him. But Spiky, I am sorry. Even if I don't do it anymore, maybe it's for the best that I'll be away from you. And if you think I'm an idiot for believing that, just remember what Aerith said. Our souls go out, not away. I'll be around, watching over you. I feel sure of that. It's the actual dying-and-appearing-to-leave-you part that's so tough.

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things a human being can ever do. That's why endings always hurt.

**To be continued.**


	45. You Are the Proof

**THE MADNESS OF ANGELS  
Chapter 45 - You Are The Proof**

 

_Blue. The harsh, rocky landscape of the desert had faded, and Zack's senses were overwhelmed and jumbling. The sudden and complete lack of pain was jarring enough, but not as much as the peace that accompanied it. Confused, body weightless and mind racing, Zack remembered ducking for cover, abandoning the truck, shielding someone and hiding him. Then acceptance as he raced into battle, exhilaration and pain and ghost voices getting louder. Laying in a pool of his own blood as rain began to fall and soak the blond spikes that he pet with the last of his strength. Passing the Buster Sword on with pride, looking into Cloud's awakened eyes and so damn happy to see them one last time._

_"You are the proof...that I existed. Live for me, Spiky, for both of us. I love you..."_

_The echo of a scream from far away startled Zack out of his attempt to piece these fragments together. It was an expression of absolute anguish, of heart-shattering loss, and that was something Zack could easily empathize with. Could he help this person? Was it Cloud, was Cloud all right? The blue all around was the color of many skies - Cloud's summer, Zack's own winter, the dark-water blue that belonged to adolescent guilt..._

_The noise faded, and with it the swirling sky all around. In its place rose up towers of brown and green, the faint sound of water trickling over a stream path nearby, and beneath Zack's feet, rich soil that smelled almost like home. Gongaga? He felt no danger, but the woods weren't safe here. There were voices somewhere, maybe coming up behind him. As he had once in a nightmare, Zack ran the overgrown paths of his childhood and found them all changed, all leading to Gaia only knew what, but he ran and ran, with no heaviness in his lungs or anywhere else. Light as a ghost, he stumbled into a clearing that overflowed with flowers, and this was where he had wanted to be. Zack knew that, because he knew the arms that caught and lifted and embraced him to a heartbeat that was stronger than ever._

_"Angeal?" Feet just off the thick grass, Zack pressed himself into the large, familiar body and laughed and sobbed and clung all at once. "You're alive?"_

_"As much as you are, Puppy," Angeal said, touching Zack all over and leaving kisses behind as his lips got reacquainted with this skin. "I'm here, it's all right. I'll never leave you again."_

_"Angeal, I think I had a bad dream again," Zack sighed as fingers combed through his hair and shared warmth passed between their strangely light bodies. "I lost, you died, everyone died, and I - "_

_"Became a hero, Pup. Just like you always wanted. I'm so proud of you."_

_"It wasn't a dream...was it?"_

_"It's all a dream, Zack," Angeal said gently, setting his soulmate down and cupping his face. "But the bad part is all over. We'll never be apart now."_

_Zack smiled with happiness and gratitude and a sob that he choked out, and Angeal's fingers drying his tears only prompted more to fall. "I'm...dead...and this is the Lifestream."_

_"Yes. It can look any way we want it to, and I've created many places for us while I waited for you. This is one of my favorites. See the flowers, Zack?"_

_"Yeah, they're - " The spiky-haired teenager's (he didn't think to wonder why he had become younger) mouth fell open, and he grasped Angeal's biceps with as much panic as this heaven allowed. "Cloud! I left him, he's all alone, I have to - "_

_"Ssh, ssh." Zack had promised himself he would never complain about Angeal's coddling again, and he kept his word, not fighting the firm arms that rocked slowly. "Cloud will be all right, I promise. He's strong. You helped make him strong. He has a story of his own to live, and a destiny. We can't keep him from that."_

_"He'll...he'll really be okay?"_

_"Yes." Angeal caressed a smooth cheek with his palm and smiled, coaxing Zack to smile back. "We'll watch over him together, Pup, and you'll see. And one day we'll show Cloud our garden here, like you wanted to."_

_"I wanted to introduce you to him. I hoped you would like him."_

_"I do like him," Angeal laughed softly, his brown eyes content and twinkling. "I was there, remember, in Lazard, helping you tend to Cloud. Anyone that precious to you is a part of our family. And anyone that Seph allowed himself to care for."_

_The sadness in Angeal's voice seemed to answer Zack's next question, but he asked anyway. "Is Sephiroth here?"_

_"No, Pup," Angeal said quietly._

_"Jenova still has him? She won't give him up, will she?"_

_"Not without a fight."_

_Zack blinked at him in wonder, and hope. "Do you think...is that maybe one of the things Cloud is meant to do?"_

_"I think so. One champion of Gaia saving another...what better way for Her to show Her love for us?"_

_"Is that what this feeling all around us is?" Zack murmured. "Love? It's amazing."_

_"It's what I always felt for you." Angeal took Zack's hands and brought them to his lips. "From the first sight of you I had, and every day after."_

_The brown eyes showering affection down on him were different, Zack mused. It was more even than the absence or defeat of Jenova, it was the lightness, the relief. The happiness undiluted by remorse. Zack touched Angeal's cheek and tried to blink back further tears; he'd never imagined his Angeal could be so at ease with himself. So unburdened._

_"Puppy, you're beaming," Angeal whispered. "I've rarely seen you glow like this."_

_"I'm just...so relieved. You aren't all guilty and conflicted anymore."_

_"You forgave me. Many times, but..." Angeal drew Zack back into his arms and tucked the boy's head beneath his chin. "Maybe I needed to be here, to see it from this perspective, to believe you really meant it. You truly forgave me, and only loved me. At last, I could accept that."_

_"Took you long enough," Zack grumbled playfully into the fabric of the elder's sweater. "You're so stubborn, and dense, and patronizing, and overly cautious, and..."_

_"And?"_

_"And I love you. Promise you won't go away again?"_

_"I promise." A rougher hand curled around Zack's and gently tugged. "C'mon, Puppy."_

_"Where?"_

_"Cloud has to take his first steps alone. But for now..." The look in Angeal's eyes changed, as did the impulse behind his closeness and touching. A thrill of similar feeling went through Zack, and anticipation, because the pleasure of it was already stronger than it had ever been before._

_"Do people do...that in the Lifestream?"_

_"If it didn't exist here before, I would have invented it for your arrival," Angeal laughed softly. His hands pushed Zack's shirt up, nudged his pants down, caressed the sensitive skin that bore no trace of damage._

_Zack's breathing sped up, and he clung to broad shoulders and rubbed himself against the hardness below Angeal's waist. Palms descended down his back, pressed the round, firm cheeks and lifted him. Blissful, yearning, all fears forgotten, Zack sighed as he was carried and set down on the softest bed he'd ever laid on, and Angeal's warmth and safety was stripping him and covering him like a blanket. There was no need for preparation here, but no time either, so they could have an eternity on the edge being teased and stimulated, then an eternity of painless entering and thrusting and arms that held and cradled._

_It seemed to go on forever, heaven within heaven, every moment as good as the long climax that followed. Rest wasn't necessary either, but having been newly arrived, Zack felt exhausted by the sex, even if only because being so was habit. Perhaps also out of habit, Angeal stroked his hair and whispered that he should try to sleep._

_"I wish Cloud and Seph were here," Zack murmured as his eyes slowly blinked shut._

_"They'll come, when it's time. I have hope for all the ones we love, Pup. Everyone."_

_"What about...Genesis?"_

_"Everyone," Angeal softly repeated._

_"He said...he's sorry," Zack said drowsily, his eyes shut and breathing going soft and regular. "Did...you hear him?"_

_"I heard him, Puppy." Angeal lay next to Zack and pressed the boy's spiky head to his heartbeat. "I hope he heard me answer."_

__

zfzfz

The atmosphere of Edge was utterly unlike Midgar's had been. It was far from a utopia, crime thrived in the darkest corners as it did in every city...but the new city had an openness to it, no sense of something sinister lurking around the borders and pulsing at its center like a wicked heart. That had been Cloud Strife's first impression of Midgar when he'd arrived as a wide-eyed country boy - a vague malevolence sleeping nearby and preparing to wake.

Or maybe it had all been in his homesick head and his nervous guts. Memory was little help, as usual. Everything between fourteen and twenty-one was blurry. Probing that period brought up faces and sounds and events that couldn't always be trusted. Or dealt with, Cloud thought as he polished Fenrir in the vacant area behind Seventh Heaven and watched the sun begin to set. As he hid.

Cloud Strife knew all about hiding. As a child, he had become an expert at avoiding bigger kids and adults he didn't like. Sometimes these skills came in handy against his friends, especially Tifa, who couldn't be scared off by his silence and his monosyllabic answers. Tifa couldn't know that she was the hardest of all of them to face, because she had seen into Cloud's mind when it was at its most fractured, had helped put it back together and in doing so seen a lifetime of weakness. Because Cloud could not look at her without thinking of Nibelheim, and promises, and these things led to Zack, as if he weren't always stuffed down somewhere in Cloud's thoughts anyway.

_"You are the proof...that I existed. Live for me, Spiky, for both of us. I love you."_

_I'm trying, Zack,_ Cloud would think in response, breathing slowly to keep the pressure in his chest from crushing him. But other thoughts followed, automatically - how could he have forgotten Zack, why had the Buster meant so much to him, who was the auburn-haired man who sometimes appeared in Cloud's nightmares of mako and gloved fingers? And Aerith would let him feel her flower-scented presence for a moment, until the worst of the hurt had passed. But Zack never...he was where Aerith was, Cloud saw him after the Geostigma ordeal, but he never came. He never spoke. So Cloud was left wondering if the presence of Zack he felt was only wishful thinking, or a remnant of Zack's personality left over in him.

Cloud's past was a timeline written half illegibly, and yet, memory was always upon him, like the weight of a sleeve on his arm. Some areas of its landscape were ominously dark, like old maps that warned of monsters and sea serpents. Others were marked by their brightness, or by a remembered smile, and they reminded Cloud of all the happy moments he had lost along the way. Some figures of the past had whole continents of archived and unreachable information on them, like Zack's, where the only darkness was the survivor's guilt that Zack would kick his butt for if given the chance.

Just as painful, the warm memories of Zack's bear hugs and cheery smiles too often led to images of Sephiroth, the fallen hero who had been Cloud's nightmare before he became the planet's. Childhood idol or not, Sephiroth was his adversary, his shadow self, his enemy. There shouldn't be any confusion in that, but - yet another thing Cloud tried to hide from - then why did conflicting emotions rise up in him when he thought of the one-winged angel smiling cruelly down at him? Why did Cloud feel inexplicably certain that he had once known the touch of Sephiroth's fingers cupping his face? Why, when Kadaj had morphed into Sephiroth and been just barely defeated, had he murmured at the last "I will never be a memory", not so much a threat as it had been an oddly comforting promise?

Sephiroth was always with him, not like Zack was, but keeping linked to his soul with an invisible chain and every so often tugging it from somewhere, and invading Cloud's dreams to taunt and toy with him.

_"You will never be free of me, Puppet...we must kill them all, Puppet, like the Cetra girl...you have no identity but through me, Cloud, nothing I have not given you. You are my puppet and I will never let you go."_

The torment of these nightmares was nothing to the confusion, anger and embarrassment Cloud felt about the dreams that were not bad ones. What was wrong with him? How could he dream so vividly of Sephiroth's silver eyes free from their Jenova-green and looking at him with affection? What did it say about Cloud that the dream of sleeping in Sephiroth's protective embrace was so real, he could almost believe it had happened? And the...fantasies...of being touched by Sephiroth, taken by Sephiroth...were beyond wrong. Cloud was not a star-struck child anymore, even if he had once felt more for the great general than he ever let on to his friends.

He couldn't talk to any of them about this. Barret would smack him lightly and ask what the hell was going on in his idiot spiky head. Yuffie would laugh first and joke that anyone with eyes would be attracted to Sephiroth, then feign concern that maybe Cloud wasn't in any condition to hold his materia by himself. Nanaki wold quote wisdom passed down from Bugenhagen about the complicated symbolic language of dreams. Cid would pat Cloud's hair and offer him a drink, treating him as half a comrade and half a kid as he always had.

Cait Sith would say something light that wouldn't quite mask gentle Reeve's concern. Vincent was hard to predict, as he had never really voiced his feelings about his dear Lucrecia's only child, but his scarlet eyes would watch intently with curiosity and compassion, and Cloud, in his paranoia, would see judgment in them instead. Tifa would sit with him, urge him to speak every thought that was troubling him, and Cloud would never doubt her sincerity or her love, only his own ability to bear these things. He was supposed to be protecting her! He had promised...and promised Zack to live for them both, and yet he could hardly remember Zack's life, the legacy he was supposed to be carrying on.

Cloud dropped the cleaning rag on the ground and leaned against Fenrir, willing his mind to go quiet so he could listen to the sounds of the planet. Sometimes he still heard the murmuring voices of the Lifestream, including an unintelligible one that he liked nonetheless because it reminded him of his mother. But now there were only everyday noises of the planet's surface - Marlene and Denzel playing nearby, music from the shop across the street, Tifa talking quietly to someone inside. The back door opened, and the dark suit and red hair made it instantly obvious who was entering the yard behind the bar.

It was strange enough to see Reno at all. It had been many months and a battle against DeepGround since Cloud had spotted any of the Turks. Cloud didn't think of them as friends, but they were comrades, and he was about to call out a greeting when Reno stopped about ten paces away and looked up, and a cold wave of shock ran through Cloud's body.

Reno's green eyes, normally so mischievous, were red and wet, as though they had been recently and hastily dried. That made no sense; arrogant, cocky Reno didn't cry, and he didn't stare at anyone with such a haunted expression. His usual slouch was different too, and rather than tapping his electrorod lazily against his shoulder or boot, the Turk was holding a thick folder under one arm and cradling it with his other hand. Cloud had never seen him handle anything so gently.

"Reno? What's wrong? Is it Rude? Rufus?"

"The remnants of merry old ShinRa are just fine, Strife," was the answer, and thank Gaia, at least the smooth drawl of a voice was the same as it had always been. "Been a while, yo. How's it going?"

"Fine. What's going on?"

Reno sighed wearily. That was unlike him too, and Cloud had never seen him look so hesitant. He gestured to the back steps, and the two of them sat down and spent a few minutes watching the colors of the early evening sky. Reno had placed the black folder, tied shut with black string, on his lap, and was absently running his hands over its sides in an almost soothing manner.

"Do you ever think about why you always win, Strife?" he asked abruptly. "You ever think it's fate?"

"Fate. Luck. Occasionally facing incompetent Turks who'd rather run away than lose."

To his surprise, Reno laughed. "You've always been tougher than you look, yo. Just 'cause I had to lose doesn't mean I wanted to die."

"Had to lose? What are you talking about?"

Reno looked down at the folder. "Did you know I was friends with Zack?"

Cloud's fists automatically clenched. _How dare you,_ he thought furiously, _you're ShinRa, ShinRa killed Zack, don't you fucking dare say his name!_ It took a few moments for him to absorb what Reno had said, and by then, Reno had begun to speak again.

"You're not gonna freak out on me, are you? 'Cause Tifa threatened me with violence..."

"No. Did Rufus send you, or Tseng?"

"What I've come to talk to you about, Rufus doesn't know yet. He'll forgive me, he always does."

"Tseng, then? He asked you to come here and confuse me?"

"Ha," Reno laughed softly. "There isn't much I wouldn't do for Tseng, true. He didn't want me coming here, yo. We can't have the great hero all traumatized the next time His Royal Pissiness shows up with clones or an alien or some fuckin' new thing, and all that. I believe you can handle this, and even if you can't, you deserve to know."

"Reno, what are you talking about? Know what? And what did you mean before, about having to lose?"

"I'm a Turk. I had my orders to get in your way as much as possible, but I knew we would need you, more than once. Like I knew the plate would fall in Midgar, and Sephiroth will come back again, and in a few days Vincent will finally show his face and tell you that, as it turns out, sins can be forgiven. And that you can hear the voice of the planet, and sometimes you wish it would stop talking. It's not gonna."

Cloud was so confused that he wasn't sure what to question next. He didn't know how to feel either, and grabbed the first bit of anger that surfaced from his mind.

"What about Aerith?"

As hoped for, this triggered frustration and defensiveness from Reno, almost as good as anger. "I hated fighting you, okay? And I was never gonna hurt Aerith. I had to follow orders and so did Tseng, but he wouldn't have either. That she ever got into Hojo's hands was something we never, never...and I'm so sorry that you and Zack..."

Reno had gotten choked up again and was fighting the feeling. Cloud didn't notice this time, because he was waging his own battle against the barely comprehensible flashes that a mention of Hojo and the lab brought up. Being frozen, nightmares of needles and green and hands everywhere, Sephiroth staring coldly through the fire and someone was taking him from Zack's arms, no no no - 

"Strife? I'm sorry, yo, I didn't mean to - "

"It's fine. I don't remember."

"Then I'm probably not doin' you a big favor," Reno said heavily.

"Reno, could you just get to the point and tell me why you're here?"

"Yeah. In the aftermath of the whole DeepGround thing, a bunch of files showed up, stuff no one in the company knew about. One of the documents was this," the Turk explained, tapping the folder. "Copies have been made, but this is the original." He opened up the sleek binding and removed an old, slightly weathered notebook. "Rufus'll kick my butt, or do something else not fun with it, when he finds out what I'm doing."

"What is it?"

"It's Zack's story. In his own words, written while he was on the run with you."

Cloud's head turned in slow motion to look with wide, staring eyes at Reno, and his body shifted to follow very slowly, like he was moving underwater. Reno held the notebook out at once, and Cloud took it and hugged it to his chest, hardly believing but wanting to, wanting this to be a connection to Zack.

"Strife, I'm gonna leave that with you, no matter the consequences. Zack says in his story that he just wants someone, anyone, to remember, but I think he was really hoping that _you_ would understand. I'll leave you alone, but first, listen. Okay?"

"I'm listening," Cloud whispered, barely audibly.

"You don't remember a lot of shit, and maybe that's better. Maybe it doesn't need to be dug up. But reading this will make you remember stuff, and tell you things you don't know, and...Zack was maybe the best person I ever knew, Cloud. I would never forgive myself if this changed your feelings for him."

Cloud gave Reno a chilling look, one of power and fury and oh that's what manages to keep beating Sephiroth. "There is nothing anyone or anything can tell me," he hissed, "that can take away from Zack or take him away from me. My head may be a fucking mess and I may have to think for a minute to remember my age, but I know what Zack was. He was a hero, he was my best friend, he gave me my life as a fighter and then gave his own to protect me. I love him. That's the one thing I'm never uncertain about."

The muscles in Reno's jaw worked silently, like he was fighting to keep his mouth closed, and dew-like droplets of water glistened on his eyelashes. "He loved you too," the Turk said at last, unsteadily. "I saw him with you a couple of times, and...well...you'll see. I hope you remember that part of it. Not many people feel that kind of love, I think. Not many are capable of it. Zack was...a singular phenomenon."

"Yes. He was."

"Take care of yourself, Strife. The planet chose you to be its protector, and unless you figure some way out of that, we'll be needing you again. Fuck, am I glad I'm not you, yo."

Snickering, back to his usual cynical self, Reno clapped Cloud briefly on the shoulder. He stood up and was about to head back through the bar when Cloud grabbed the hem of his jacket.

"Thank you, Reno."

"Don't thank me, just don't go fuckin' crazy on us," Reno tossed back, and disappeared.

Cloud sat motionless for a length of time he couldn't measure. The sun went down, the sky's blue became dark. Marlene and Denzel were called and grudgingly came inside, and regulars slowly crowded Seventh Heaven and made their noises of conversation and the clanking of glasses. At some point, without speaking to or acknowledging anyone, Cloud went to his room and shut the door. Tifa noticed he was holding a notebook she'd never seen before, against his chest like a shield.

__

zfzfz

Many hours later, as the first rays of dawn began to peek over the horizon, Tifa awoke very suddenly. Soft sounds of frantic movement were reaching her ears from the bedroom furthest down the hall, muffled through the sturdy walls but audible. Cloud was leaving his room in a hurry, heading downstairs and outside, to the back shed where he kept Fenrir. Tifa's heart pounded beneath her T-shirt, the way it did after her occasional nightmares of Nibelheim burning. Cloud was able to move without a sound, that's one reason he was so hard to keep track of. What she had heard was his breathing, loud and panicked.

The dark-haired young woman brought her knees to her chest and let her face half disappear into the crocheted blanket. The urge to follow Cloud was there, to insist that he let her help, but also the little voice that cautioned her not to push. The last thing Tifa wanted was to risk driving Cloud further away, and to then have to await the next crisis to bring him back. She knew by now that Cloud could not share her feelings, she'd missed that chance long ago. But she would not jeopardize a friendship that it had taken loss and anguish and nearly the end of the planet to forge.

 _Please be okay,_ Tifa thought to the planet, wondering as she often did if Aerith passed on these prayers to Cloud. _You've lost so much, Cloud. Please don't ever make me lose you._

__

zfzfz

Cloud had been able to see well in the dark as long as he could remember - which wasn't saying much - and riding at night was no different than during the day for him. Easier, even, because there was less traffic and fewer distractions, though this time the young hero might not have noticed a marching band if it crossed the street in front of him. It was only Cloud's enhanced senses and SOLDIER reflexes that kept him steady and on the right path (to where, he had no idea). Outside, there was nothing that could compare with the internal chaos.

Memory. Vivid color and sounds that exploded into being, smells so sharp that they choked his lungs to breathe them and recollections of touch that were as real as the metal and padding his gloved hands gripped. Eyes wide and luminescent, lips parted and gasping each inhale and exhale, Cloud struggled to focus and relax away the pressure on his chest. It was what he imagined drowning must be like, only instead of water, he was submerged in sensory flashes. Sephiroth's arms and warmth all around, the faces of fellow SOLDIER cadets and friends, a cold metal table where bad hands put him and wouldn't go away, Hojo Sephiroth Tifa Mom Genesis Tully Simon Omou Zack Zack Zack. Zack's memoir had thrown a switch in his head and it was all coming back, so fast, too fast.

Cloud somehow made it to the bluff, powered Fenrir down and stumbled off the bike to land on his knees in the moon-cold dirt and dust. It was too much to process, every moment and movement prompting more. Even crawling with his aching head hanging brought up the memory of a rainy day here, Cloud struggling to Zack's side and promising, promising to remember and to...

_"Live for me, Spiky, for both of us."_

"Z-Zack," Cloud choked out, releasing some of the crushing pressure at last as he broke into sobs. Every bit of the adoration and awe and gratitude he had ever felt for Zack swelled his heart, and it was pained to recall the guilt expressed in the memoir, the apologies offered, the permission to hate. Clinging to the proud, silver-bright Buster Sword like a child to his mother's leg, Cloud pressed his head to the cold metal and took in enough oxygen to call out. "Zack. I could never hate you, I love you, I forgive you. There's nothing to forgive, I only ever loved you. Please...talk to me. Why won't you talk to me?"

"Because I couldn't accept your forgiveness until you remembered." The voice was so soft and safe, the hand that stroked his hair such a familiar touch, that it was a moment before Cloud realized what was happening. "Thank you, baby. For everything."

Cloud turned unsteadily, only waiting long enough to confirm that it was Zack kneeling beside him - exactly as he looked when they'd met - before reaching out at the same time arms reached for him. Cloud was no longer the child he'd once been, but Zack's enveloping hug was the refuge he remembered, keeping out everything bad and scary. Here Cloud could let down his constant, mask-like guard, and he cried unashamedly against Zack's chest, choosing his own time to look up into Zack's wet, beaming eyes that made him weep all over again.

"Z-Zack, I'm so - "

"Don't you say sorry, Spiky. You did what I asked. You lived for us both and now look at you, a hero." Zack's one hand cradled the back of the blond head, and the other arm helped support the shaking body. "I've been watching you, like I wanted to, and I've been with you through it all. I'm so, so proud of you."

"Zack...I didn't mean to forget - "

"I know, baby."

"You mean so much to me - "

"I know," Zack said with a reassuring smile. There was light all around him, the white kind Aerith brought with her, but he felt and looked solid, just different. Indestructable, even more so than the hero Cloud had learned from and admired. "That's one of the benefits of being in the Lifestream, how clear everything becomes. You see what people really feel, and accept the love you never thought you deserved."

Cloud pulled Zack close again, and was soothed by the softness of Zack's cheek gently rubbing against his own. "Is it my time?"

"No, Gaia no! You've got a lot more living to do, baby."

"I miss you," the blond said desperately as Zack sat back and took his hands.

"I'm always here, all you need to do is call for me. But you have a destiny here that isn't over yet."

Cloud's eyes stung, and his throat felt choked with the name they were both thinking of. "H-How can I fight him now that I r-remember? I can't, not again..."

"Baby, what you've fought isn't Seph, it's the thing that has ahold of him. We think, we hope, that the battle will end with him free of her at last. Love for you almost saved Seph once," Zack said quietly. "I still believe it can."

"Then...he really..." Cloud trailed off, shivering to think of what he hadn't remembered all those times he struggled under Sephiroth's sword.

"Yeah, just like you really...well, we can talk about that once it's had time to sink in a little. Right now, someone wants to meet you."

Right on cue, large hands materialized into sight, protectively resting on Zack's shoulders. Cloud lifted his head and saw a handsome face with solid features smiling gently down at him. Zack got to his feet and tugged Cloud up as well. Zack had always been a few inches taller, but this man practically towered over him.

"You're Angeal," Cloud said in amazement, where once he would have saluted and stammered. "I remember you. I mean, it wasn't you, but it was..."

Angeal's large hand cradled Cloud's and shook it, and the man continued to smile as he wrapped his other arm around Zack. "I understand. I've been waiting a long time to meet you in my own person. You look much better, little one."

Even if Angeal hadn't been big enough to legitimately call him that, Cloud wouldn't have minded. He felt he knew Angeal from reading Zack's story, and if the SOLDIER tended to coddle Zack, how else would he behave toward his Puppy's pet? Anyway, Zack's beaming grin and happy laughter distracted them both.

"This is the best! My two favorite people, with me at the same time!"

"Remember, Pup, we can't stay much longer."

"Can't stay?" Cloud blurted in panic. "Why? But - "

"We just can't be here for very long at a time," Zack reassured him. "From now on, I'll visit you all the time. And Angeal, 'cause he still doesn't trust me on my own, even in the Lifestream."

"It's nothing to do with trust, and not with worry anymore either," Angeal said softly, keeping an arm around Zack's waist to hold him close. "I just don't see why I should be away from you, even for a moment."

"He's lying, Spiky. I can't even visit Aerith and her mom without him telling me to stay out of trouble."

Cloud laughed weakly, but couldn't disguise his desperation and other overwhelming feelings as he edged nearer to his old friend. Zack happily grabbed him into another bear hug, the warm kind he remembered that hoisted him off the ground and made him feel safe from the voices and doubts that had gnawed at his mind longer even than his renewed memory could tell. Angeal clasped the blond's shoulder as he reluctantly drew back, a tender touch but also the gesture of a comrade.

"If I can get Sephiroth back, I will," Cloud promised solemnly, feeling the truth of these words deep in his bones. "I'll save him and protect him for both of you. For all of us."

Zack's translucent blue eyes blurred with wetness. The muscles of Angeal's jaw quivered, trying to remain set, and he blinked a few too many times to hide his emotion. His voice, when he spoke again, was heavy with it.

"Sephiroth chose well. As did the planet."

"So did you."

Angeal settled his chin on Zack's hair and sighed another content smile. "I've come to believe that Fate offers us all the right choices. We only require the courage to make them."

"I'm glad I did," Zack murmured, glancing up at his teacher with adoration before returning his gaze, tearful but happy, to Cloud. "No more feeling bad, Spiky. I'll be around now to kick your butt if I catch you beating yourself up."

"Okay, Zack," Cloud answered obediently, knowing full well he would be getting a lot of lectures and smiling at the thought.

"Tell Reno the former prez is totally scandalized by what he and Rufus get up to, he'll get a kick out of that. Now gimme a hug good-night and go get some sleep, 'kay?"

Cloud stepped slowly into this embrace, not wanting to say goodbye even for a few hours but drawing strength from the love Zack had always poured into him. Zack and Angeal were fading, but slowly, with promises that they would never be away for long. Somewhere beyond them, in the incorporeal heaven of white and undying flowers, Aerith's happiness shone like a beacon. Forgiving himself for her death was a task for the future. Right now, Cloud felt at peace with the past, all of it, even the horrible parts of it that he would require years to work through.

It was just Zack's way, it always had been. A mere hug could stop the sky from crashing down, a blue-eyed smile could make you forgive the planet that made it anything. How many lives had Zack brightened and affected during his short life? Surely more than he himself had ever noticed or recorded. Even people who'd never known his name, known nothing but a boy or a SOLDIER whose lifeforce and energy outshone everyone around him, they would remember him, the way you never forget the clearest skies of your youth, and the kindnesses that come unexpectedly. Zack's last request in his life story had been unnecessary. Cloud would remember, if no one else. He would keep not only that promise, but all of them.

The barren plains outside of Midgar were devoid of life, so there were no people or monsters to see two spectral figures fade away as they hugged a shorter one. Cloud himself closed his eyes, taking solace in the certainty that Zack was as near to him as ever, even more so. We don't go away after our bodies die, he recalled. Just out.

Cloud's pale arms grasped empty space in the silver moonlight for a moment. Then, as though it were the most natural thing in the world, they tightened and wrapped around his own body. There was value in anything that Zack had cared for, Sephiroth loved, Aerith forgiven. Cloud stood perfectly still a little while and hugged himself, as a dozen tiny weights were removed from his heavy heart.

__

zfzfz

Tifa tiptoed cautiously into the spartan bedroom, moving almost as quietly as Cloud could but wary that he could return at any moment. Her intention was not to spy or invade his space. She was only following her intuition, which said something had affected Cloud profoundly, whether for good or bad, she didn't know. The most likely candidate was the old notebook that lay open on the desk to one of its last pages.

Even as Tifa edged closer, she scolded herself. This was unethical, a violation of privacy...even if Cloud had been through her room years earlier. But this notebook had been given to Cloud by someone, probably Reno, so it wasn't a diary or some other sacrosanct personal item. What could it be but information that was important in some way, and Cloud was notoriously difficult to get information out of.

 _I just want to help him,_ Tifa thought sincerely, and she didn't know that Cloud knew that and would forgive her practically anything for that reason. She fully intended to pull herself away and force herself back into bed, but instead continued on over the rag rug that muffled her footsteps. Some power, some life of its own seemed to haunt the notebook and beckon her closer. A familiar presence breathed from within it like the ghost of a sigh.

Tentatively, Tifa's face moved into the glow of lamp-light over the desk. The page before her was the last to contain writing, and was only about a quarter of the way full. The handwriting was male, a little faded but clearly legible, not exactly messy but indicating the energy and passion of its author. As Tifa read these last words, she thought she could hear a faint voice, that of a young man she looked back on with great fondness.

__

zfzfz

Cloud, remember me if you can, if it doesn't hurt you more than you can bear. At least don't forget that I'm proud of you, and I love you. Loving alone does not make us good or worthy, I was once told, and I won't live to see if I've made you stronger or merely hurt you. Please know that I'll always love you, even if you someday hate me.

And you, whoever is reading this notebook, now that I've lain my life out for you on these pages, don't forget it. Even if you would have been my enemy in life, be kind to me in death, and remember.

My name was Zack Fair.

 

_2:01 a.m., 28 September 2008  
Owari._


End file.
